03x05 - 2016

[bunniefuu]

Ilana: Okay, so how many do we have so far?

We're at 59.

(exhales sharply) Okay.

Brrrr... 60.

A GIF basket.

It's an app that stores .GIFs in your phone so that when you send a text, you can send the GIF faster than your friend.

Love it, going on the list.

Even though, someone at work actually told me it's pronounced "jiff."

I know, but I am not doing that.

No, it's disgusting. I'm not doing that either.

Okay, I have one.

A gynecologist that's also a bikini waxer.

That is a literal one-stop p*ssy shop.

I love it!

I love you, I love this day.

I think we might actually be literal geniuses.

Oh, we for sure are geniuses.

Get this.

A skateboard, with a handle.

That's, like, a scooter.

Derr.

Derr, derr, derr, derr.

Okay, I have one.

Boots that have magnets on the bottom, so when you walk around, you're just picking up change. You never need to bend over.

I love that.

Then I could be the Jewish stereotype that I am without being known for it.

Exactly, dude.

God, this is the most productive morning of my life.

I feel rejuvenated.

I'm truly alive.

Okay, we're at 63.

I say we get brunch.

If by brunch, you mean bodega bacon egg and cheese, then I am in.

Dass it.

Damn, the park is serene today.

It's just, like, beautiful. Why don't we come here more?

It's just far.

It is far.

♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪

Swimmers have, like, hard pubes and shriveled dicks.

Football's, like, too scary.

Baseball can be hot, but you need a shortstop or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For me, it's wrestlers, gymnasts... jockeys, bay-bay!

I would ride those tiny jacked little bodies.

It's like me, but, like, a boy.

You okay?

Like, I don't want to go today. It's gonna suck so bad.

Listen.

This day comes for all of us.

You must get your license renewed.

At the DMV.

V, V, V...

It sucks, but you are gonna k*ll it.

All right, yeah.

In the span of your whole lifetime, it's a second.

But in reality, it'll be, like, 12 hours.

You know what? You're right.

This could be exciting. You know why?

This is gonna be the time that I take a license photo that is good.

'Course you are. With that ass?

They don't let you put your ass in the photo.

They really should.

I know you from your ass better than I know your face.

You know me from my ass better than you know me from my face?

Yep, and hearing it said back to me slower only validates it more.

Okay.

Well, we are just two sangle gals doing our thang today.

I applied for over three jobs and haven't gotten any.

Today is all about that hustle.

All right, I'll see ya.

I gotta go this way. Ilana!

Love that lip color.

Oh, thanks. I found it, it was a rescue.

You found it?

Yeah, there was more than half left, so I cut the top off.

You don't... buy new. Do you?

No, that's disgusting.

All right.

Later, bitch!

So I need my hair to look perfect for this photo.

I gotcha, girl. You're gonna look just like a "Bachelor" contestant.

Oh, uh, no...

No, but one that quits 'cause she's too good for the show.

Okay, yes, that is perfect.

For real, every single professional photo I have ever taken my whole life has come out horrible.

Everyone says that.

No, they are.

I have them all on my phone.

Great, so this is my last license photo.

You see, it's like...

Trying showing that to the cops every time you get pulled over, huh?

This is my senior photo. That's gross.

It's like, I had braces for a very long time.

Braces cut up the whole inside of my mouth.

No one ever tells you that.

This is my homecoming photo, with my high school boyfriend.

You think he was gay?

Um, I don't like to go off of looks, but I mean...

He was gay.

Yeah, he was gay.

I didn't know. But then everybody knew, you know?

Yeah.

Like, all the teachers knew, too.

Wow.

And he's actually a billionaire now.

In Idaho, yeah.

Oh, this is my passport photo.

Is that a bee?

Yeah, that is a bee.

This bee followed me around Astoria for 30 days.

Oh, my gosh.

What?

I can't believe I almost forgot. Deals, Deals, Deals coupon for this haircut.

This makes your haircut like $15.

I know. How amazing is that?

I guess, um... Well, then we'll get started.

So I was thinking some layers, maybe, um...

And we are done.

Are we?

Yeah.

Ow, my subluxation!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Ladies and gentle dudes.

I've fallen on hard times.

After graduating from New York University, I lost my job at an Internet startup.

Deals, Deals, Deals.

Check 'em out, I bear them no ill will.

Anyway, I'm not panhandling, I'm just performing for tips.

Tip if you like, you know, no presh.

Here we go.

(tap dancing)

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for your generosity.

Oh, my God, Ilana.

Eliot!

I didn't know you take the A train. Hi.

Ilana, I was filming you for my Tumblr.

Oh, my God. Me?

For Q Believe This Idiot. Tumblr.com?

Here, get a better one?

No, you idiot... Oh, my God.

Mom doesn't know you got fired and I'm getting tired of covering for you.

You need to get a real job.

I mean, you were born in the '90s. I'm sure you've got a Flappy Bird in you.

Eliot, this is a real job.

(man's voice) Stand clear of the closing doors, please. (doors chime)

Thank you. You see?

Yeah, honestly, you not listening to me about this is h*m*.

It is?

No, it's not, but get a job.

I knew you were right before I did the flip.

Oh that's not so bad.

Oh, God.

Oh.

G-42.

Picture of a hammer?

It's me! (cackling wildly)

That's me! (cackling)

I can't believe...

I'm free! (laughing insanely)

Oh, my God.

(woman continues cackling)

Ilana: Come on... you're a temp agency.

Look, I've asked you three times. Just please leave.

I can't, I need a job.

(gulping)

A real job.

No, every time I try to help you, it turns into a disaster.

The Chinese food?

I was hungry.

The plane tickets?

I was thirsty.

The door?

I did not know it was a door. That shape.

You know what? My life is just a mess right now anyways, okay?

Between you and me, the...

I'm barely hanging on to this business as it is.

No.

See this tooth?

Dead.

(microwave dings)

Is it supposed to take more than three days to heat up a potato?

I don't think so.

See? Everything in my life is broken.

Plus, I'm two months pregnant.

Two?!

Yeah.

I probably shouldn't even be telling people yet.

Ugh, what is happening to my life?

Will you just come lay with me?

Just... hold my hand?

Um...

Yeah.

Maybe I should just chuck it all and start over.

Do you know of any good jobs?

No...

Do you?

(in pain) Oh! Ahh!

(flies buzzing)

(whispering) Hey. Hey.

(whispers) Yeah? Want some?

(electronic chime)

That's my number! There's mine!

I win! Oh, excuse me.

Hi, Abbi Abrams, finally.

Smile on the count of three.

Okay, hold... Just hold... Okay.

Face forward, please.

Can't we just do, like, a sideways, like, pouty, cool thing?

You have to face forward.

It's regulation.

Or we could just use your old photo.

No, no, no, no.

Okay. Can you just count me down?

'Cause I can only face forward for, like, a second.

Three...

Two...

One.

(neck crunching) Oh!

Repeat after me.

I am a badass queen.

I am a badass queen.

Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!

Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!

That was great.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You're very welcome.

You are so wise.

You have so much insight. You know what?

I have the perfect job for you.

Social worker?

Bike messenger.

Even better.

Yass!

Ass, ass, ass, ass.

Ass, ass, ass, ass.

Here you go!

This isn't for me!

Oh, yes it is!

How did she do that?

(cell phone vibrating)

Hey.

Dude, my purpose was revealed to me today.

From God.

Uh, what, dude? Where are you?

I'm bike messengering. I have been for, like, an hour.

My ass is v. sore, but that's what you get when you're BM queen.

I don't know if you should call yourself a BM queen, right?

I mean it both ways.

Where are you? How's that pic?

It was horrible, so, I threw my neck out.

Oh...

I threw my neck out and I think I need to go to the chiropractor, so.

Oh, my God.

Drop a pin, I'll pick you up.

It would be an honor to deliver the most precious package in all of New York City.

Dat ass.

(whimpering) Oh...

(car honking)

♪

Ow!

♪ There she is ♪
♪ The most beautiful girl in the world ♪

sh*t.

Yikes.

That's bad!

We gotta go really slow, because I really (bleep) my neck.

You won't even know you're on a bike.

Ahh!

I'm definitely on a bike!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God, slow down, dude!

Thank you so much, Dr. Heller, you're really saving my life today.

You need to be sure you're taking care of yourself, Abbi.

(cracking) Ow.

You getting enough sleep?

Well, I mostly tussle, but I think I'm getting, like, a solid six hours of tussling per night.

(cracking) Oh!

And I know your work is very important and actually, somebody just bought one of your drawings off my wall.

I saw!

Last week, about $45.

Yeah.

That covers your co-pay, so that means this appointment is for free.

Yes!

Yes.

(cracking, farting) Oh!

Oh, good.

Good, that's very healthy.

I'm sorry.

And next time, when you make an appointment at the DMV, do it online.

That way when you get there, it just takes a minute.

Wait. Wait, what? Oh!

Lie down, lie down again, lie down again.

You did it again.

(cracking) Ow.

I'm proud of you.

Wait... What do you mean you can make an online reservation at the DMV?

Yes, of course you can! This is 2016.

The DMV is actually very nice now.

I don't understand that you don't know this.

Well, I don't know the Internet that well.

Look at that, 4:45, you have one last appointment today.

You can still make it, look.

Holy sh*t!

Wait a minute.

What are you... (scissors snipping)

Look, look at this.

You're a miracle worker.

Now go get 'em.

Thanks, Dr. Heller. Love you.

I mean, I'll see you at our next appointment.

Hey, I love you, too.

Hi.

Wow, I love your whole deal.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, I'm delivering a package for...

Where dis?

It's Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters.

(echoing) Headquarters, headquarters...

(choir starts singing majestically)

Mm!

Wow.

Are you guys hiring?

Do you have a CV?

A... coconut vice?

A resumé?

Um, it is saved on my photo stream for cases like this.

Just don't swipe right.

I just accidentally swiped right.

Okay.

Great. Can you start today?

Great.

You should probably see a doctor about that rash.

I know what it is, I'm just tracking the progress, thank you so much.

Ilana Wexler and Hillary Clinton?

Two powerful whomen whorking as whone?

Well, you'll never see her, but, sure.

I'm not so sure.

I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, you're... You're probably right.

Over the next few weeks, we are gonna push hard toward the primary.

We are gonna call every registered Democratic voter, we are gonna confirm the location of their polling place.

Every vote counts.

Yas, yas, yas, yas, yas!

Thank you.

But just remind them succinctly that a vote for Hillary is a vote for the working class.

And minorities.

You know, your caramels, your queers, your Ls, your Gs, your Bs, your Ts, your Qs.

Vets, right? Babies. The... The handi-capable.

Yes! Thank you, Ms. um...?

Ilana... Rodham Wexler.

I love your enthusiasm, but how about the next time you have the impulse to say "yas," you could just nod.

So back to cold-calling.

It's really important to remind people of Hillary's service.

Not only was she Secretary of State.

She was a practicing lawyer.

She expanded health insurance for lower income families.

And she's won a Grammy.

Oh...

(gasping deeply)

I did not know that.

We do not answer questions on: Make-up.

Bras.

Panties.

Um, lastly, some answers to some common questions we get on calls.

No, Hillary does not cry at the office.

Yes, Hillary can read a map.

No, Hillary will not enforce male birth control or male pregnancy, as that is not a thing.

And no, Hillary is not a witch.

Do people seriously ask this stuff?

Every day.

Every day!

I guess they do.

(harp playing) What is happening?

May I?

Everything you see, you can taste.

Go ahead, try it.

It's delicious.

I'm happy to hear.

Right this way, Miss Abrams.

Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate.

Oh, look, it's a chocolate fountain and the flowers are edible... (laughing)

Victoria, look, it's Miss Abrams.

We've been waiting for you.

Look, the strawberries match the carpet.

They match the carpet, they're both red!

May I say, what gorgeous hair you're gracing us with today?

Thank you. My, uh... My chiropractor did it.

(laughing) Oh, you're hilarious.

I daresay you're the funniest person I've ever met.

Stop.

This is unbelievable.

Believe it.

This is the DMV the way it can be.

They are ready for you now.

Okay.

But, why don't you have a massage first?

They can wait.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hi.

(harp continues playing)

I know, it's like, (in baby voice) "Pweeze, Mr. Cwusty Old White Man, can I pweeze keep my ovawies?"

All right, bitch, you better vote... Text me when you do.

Peace. (hangs up)

Was that a personal call?

No.

Uh, this woman was bovo'ing out 'cause she didn't know where to vote and I was like, I got you.

Great.

Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

No, she's not a witch.

Um... Do I sound like her?

Ready?

I've never been more ready.

We got it.

Let's do one more, for me.

Wow.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. Are you a model?

You could be. Take his card. Call me.

Cool. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe I will.

I will.

No, you can call a man a bitch.

Later, bitch.

Uh, Ilana?

Yep?

Hi, I found this on my desk, it has your name on it?

And it says, "Communications liaison for Hillary Clinton, future Presidentress of the United States."

I just had those made up really, so, everybody can be familiar with how to refer to me, so everybody can reach me.

We know how to reach you, you're...

You're just right here, so.

Fantastic, Barb.

You do not go unnoticed.

Know that.

Thank you.

You're on top of your sh*t.

Okay.

Riding me. Yeah.

(man) Hello?

Yes, hello, gentle patriot.

I'm calling on behalf of Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton, first and only mother of Chelsea and Socks.

Sorry, no thanks, I'm at work.

Eliot, you have to.

It's me! Ilana! Your sister!

Ilana.

Ms. Rodham-Wexler.

Believe it, dude.

I'm calling you from a landline.

I have a real job now.

It's beautiful, actually, when...

When your work and your passion line up.

You know, I'm making money, but it's not about the money.

You know, just to be clear, this is not a paid job.

You're a volunteer.

(Eliot) Ilana?

Uh...

Ilana?

Okay...

Oh!

Ooof... I got sunscreen in my (bleep)!

Yeah.

Check it out.

This is cool, this is cool to see this.

Your best friend has been working hard all day on the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign!

She's worked in here.

She's walked on these floors. She's... breathed this air.

Take it in. (both inhaling deeply)

Yeah, that is power.

It smells decisive.

It smells like confidence.

It smells like no bullshit.

Yeah.

That's my former desk.

Wow.

This is my former chair.

Cool.

Good sitting and calling.

This is the former leaning column.

Sorta talk about big stuff that's going on, domestic, international.

Very cool.

Very casual.

(voices distorting) ♪
♪

Yas! Yas!

Holy...

(both laughing) Oh...

Oh, yay!

Sorry, we are just so excited.

That's all right, just take your time.

One more.

(both squealing)

Thank... Thank you, Ilana, thank you for all of your help.

You know of me?

Well, you're wearing a nametag.

Genius.

Yes.

Abbi.

Hello.

Proud demo.

Crat.

College!

Aquarius.

I pegged...

Secretary Clinton.

Madam... Présidente.

She-king.

I can't afford to volunteer here full-time, but I still want to get the word out, so I vow to tweet once a week, "Vote for Hillary. Yas, yas, yas."

That would be great.

We need to drum up some excitement for the campaign, do everything that we possibly can.

You know what I'll do?

Yes.

Look at that!

I thought this would be really good for office morale!

Isn't she great?

Of course.

We assumed it was a he.

Oh, no, no. It's a she.

Abbi: It's definitely a she.

Oh, God. Yeah.

This feels... just right.

Right.