01x03 - Brother

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Mike, your father's coming over now.

This is the perfect time to ask him.

Why do you always want us to connect?

Can I just run out the clock until he dies?

You and your dad have been getting closer, so let's keep that going.

Here he comes.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

He's almost here. Don't be nervous.

Dad, hey.

Hi.

It's game night. You wanna be partners?

Sure, why not?

Really?

Thanks. I mean, I don't care.

It doesn't matter who your partner is, Dad.

Stella and I always win.

You know, now that you're adults, I think you can handle the truth.

We always let you win.

What?

You let us win?

Don't be upset.

We were just trying to bolster your self-esteem.

Not a parent's job.

With all the non-stop praise and trophies for just showing up your generation can't handle losing.

I don't want to win without actually winning.

Stella, we're gonna win tonight, on our own, fair and square.

Yeah!

If we're losing, let us win.

Are you kidding? We're going to crush 'em.

Right, partner?

Oh, I forgot the damn ketchup.

I'll get it for you... partner.

Bob.

Hey, Alice.

I have a big surprise for you.

Ethan!

Hey, Dad!

Hey!

Everyone, it's Alice's boy, Ethan, the professional golfer.

Isn't he handsome?

Lock up your daughters. He's single.

Mom.

Come here, Ethan.

Say hi to everyone.

Martina? Stella? Oh, so good to see you!

And who is your lovely friend?

Ethan, it's me, Shea.

Shea?

Little Shea with the coke bottle glasses, acne, and dental headgear?

Yes, puberty was not my friend.

Nor were any actual people.

Well, look at you now.

Not that I'm looking.

I mean, I am, but just the regular amount.

Hey, how about a round of drinks on the house for my wonderful son?

Wow, all I did was get the ketchup, Dad.

Not you!

Ethan!

Hey, Mike. My brother from another mother!

And father.

So what brings you to Seattle, Ethan?

On my way to the Tokyo Pro-Am.

The sponsors are putting me up for the night at the Four Seasons.

The Four Seasons, Mike.

That's all the seasons there are.

I remember you when I fitted you for your first set of clubs.

Only ten years old, and you could already drive the ball 200 yards.

I still have those clubs, Dad.

You trying to make me cry?

Well, a celebration is in order.

I think we should move game night.

I love game night.

And me and you, Dad, we're an unbeatable team.

Perfect! We'll be partners!

No reason not to be.

Here's your stupid ketchup.

[upbeat music]

My client cancelled so...

Were you gonna eat that sugary cereal?

How did you figure it out, detective?

You specifically asked me not to buy sugary things, so you could cut down on sugar.

I only say that because you get turned on when I pretend I'm going to improve myself.

Mike, I know what it's like to give up something you love.

I gave up smoking, which was the hardest thing I've done and I pushed humans out of me.

I hate when you win arguments using your vag*na.

I'll get rid of it.

I feel so alone.

Do you think you're turning to cereal because when Ethan's around your dad shows an obvious preference to him, and deep down you know you need to confront him about the resentment you've been harboring for 20 years?

No.

So you don't think there's any sibling rivalry going on here at all?

No.

I wish my step-brother would fail at something so I could be the good son.

Does that make me a terrible person?

Yes, yes, it does.

Sweetie, there's stuff that I do in my therapy practice that might help.

For example... we could role play, so I can show you that it's not gonna be as hard as you think.

And I'm going to do it just to show you what a bad idea it would be.

I'll be Bob and you say what's in your heart.

Okay, Dad...

I loved having sex with you this morning.

Take it seriously.

I can't. You know why? It's dumb.

There's no wrong way to do this.

Dad... you've always preferred Ethan, and you're a mean son of a bitch with devil eyes.

Why won't you take this seriously?

Because, well, are we sure that therapy does anything?

Say what now?

Now you're upset. This is what happens when you express your feelings.

Wow, you know what? I need some air.

Shows what you know.

Everyone needs air!

Good one, Mike.

I can't believe they let us win.

I guess they wanted us to feel good about ourselves.

I mean, who do they think they are, alcohol?

If we're going to win fair and square, we need to work our butts off practicing.

That sounds awful, but...

Okay, I'll get the weed.

We can't practice high.

Why not?

As long as we also play the game high, we're golden.

You should really know that as a scientist.

[coughing]

Ethan?

Welcome to the Four Seasons?

Please don't tell anyone, especially my dad and...

Mom! So good to see you!

Ethan Alexander Ellis, what the hell are you doing in this shed?

What are you doing in this shed?

A mother always knows where her son is... when she's got a tracking app on her phone.

Look, Mom, I actually came home to tell you and Dad something, but Dad made such a fuss about how proud he is of me that I chickened out.

You see, I have this thing...

A thing?

Oh, my God! My baby's dying.

I'm not dying, Mom.

My hands shake when I putt.

It's called the yips.

My golf career is over.

Aw, honey.

Aw.

There go my dreams of being the completely black Tiger Woods.

They're not even sure what causes it.

It could just be psychological.

Oh, my God! My boy's crazy!

But none of this explains why you are in a shed.

You've got money.

I had money.

I also had the idea I could play high-stakes poker.

So you're crazy, broke, and you're not a golfer.

Your father's a dead man.

Okay, here's what we'll do.

I'll talk to him. I know how to handle him.

Or... are we missing an opportunity for some real growth?

Martina is right.

I should tell Dad.

I'll do it at game night.

There'll be a nice family vibe, he'll have a few drinks in him...

All right, all right, but if you feel like you're going to cry, you just look over to me and I will step in and fix everything.

You know, Alice, this might be an opportunity for growth for you too.

Aw, all that therapy mumbo jumbo is for white people.

So tonight's game is Celebrity.

I wrote this one.

She was the first white woman on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."

No idea.

Kim Zolciak?

The Jackie Robinson of that show?

She broke the color barrier.

Everybody knows that.

Nobody knows yours. Neil deGrasse Tyson?

He's a hugely popular astrophysicist.

Whatever.

I don't get your whole space thing.

Thinking about how big the universe is makes me feel like I'm non-significant.

Well, that's what I love.

It makes everything seem small, even my problems.

Yeah, that's how I feel when someone famous looks like crap in their sex tape.

I mean, that's the day you don't get your roots done?

We're looking at the top of your head!

Mike.

Honey...

Sorry for crapping on therapy.

It's probably real.

I'm gonna be an adult and I'm gonna talk to Dad about Ethan.

Oh, that's such a good idea!

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

But don't do it.

But you said I should do it.

I did say you should do it.

So I should do it.

No, you definitely shouldn't do it.

You know how you needed air before?

Now I need air.

Are you happy?

You made me need air!

You're not going to believe this.

Ethan is living in the shed and he blew all of his money gambling.

What?

You knew?

I bumped into him in there.

Does Dad know?

No.

And you can't tell him.

Ethan is going to tell everyone at game night.

[laughs]

It's gonna crush my father.

It's too bad.

[upbeat music]

So that was your first kiss?

Yes.

I never told anyone that story, even our coworkers at the Renaissance Faire.

He may have only been a jester, but he was my knight that day.

Girls, game's starting!

Oh, no! We didn't practice!

We did the exact thing everyone accuses our generation of.

We agreed we deserve to win, but we didn't do the work.

We just spent all that time getting to know each other.

Now don't you wish we'd gotten high?

Okay. I'm the time-keeper, but I'm also here to help anyone who needs help.

The names are right there. Are we ready to play?

Let's just go first and get it over with.

Ready? And... go!

Ooh! You had your first sexy dream about him.

Benedict Cumberbatch!

Don't get it, but yes!

Oh, that black guy that you like.

What now?

Neil deGrasse Tyson!

Yes!

Oh, I got into a fight about her at the DMV and that's why I don't have a driver's license.

Miley Cyrus!

Yes!

You don't have a driver's license?

[bell dings]

Oh, my God!

We're awesome!

Okay.

Mike and Martina, you're up.

Ready?

Mm-hmm.

And... go!

Easy! You said I look like her.

Uh... Lucille Ball.

What?

She looks crazy.

I couldn't think of another redhead.

Uh... Nicole Kidman.

No, the girl from "Zero Dark Thirty"!

Isn't that Nicole Kidman?

[bell dings]

It was Jessica Chastain!

How could I say you look like her?

I don't know who that is.

Oh, now I remember. I said I look like her, and you said, "I don't know who that is."

So the current score is 3 to 0.

Seems like you're unable to win because you don't have the requisite skills to excel at the game.

We need to work on your trash talk.

Choking under pressure, huh?

This is exactly why Mike never made it as a golfer.

But at least I got one.

That big dummy's got a surprise coming.

Okay, Bob and Ethan, you're up.

And, Ethan, remember, if you need any help, I'm right here.

He knows where you are, Alice.

And... go!

I like one of his movies, but hate the other one.

Kevin Costner.

Yes!

You know me so well, son.

That guy with the thing and they go into the thing.

"Ocean's Eleven"!

Yes!

But the actor, the one with the face I want to punch.

There's so many!

Narrow it down! Narrow it down!

Clooney! Damon! Pitt!

[bell dings]

Oh, to be fair, I would have punched all those guys.

But it was Casey Affleck.

Mike, remember when Ethan introduced me to Costner at that celeb tourney?

Terrific grip on his handshake for a gay movie star.

Kevin Costner is not gay.

Oh, please, he's an actor. They're all gay.

And before you girls jump down my throat, I'm fine with it. I shook his hand, didn't I?

Hey, Ethan, you got any more of those celebrity tourneys coming up?

I'm right here, baby.

Why does Grandma keep saying where she is?

Well, I do have something to tell you, Dad.

He does.

And it's that...

At the Tokyo Pro-Am, I'm going to play with Bill Murray.

He's my favorite!

I know and I'd love to introduce you to him!

Is this guy a hell of a son or what?

Hey, Ethan, why don't you call Bill Murray from your suite at the Four Seasons?

It probably makes this place look like a shed.

Martina...

Guys... kitchen.

Okay.

You have to tell your dad the truth now.

And you two have to shut up and let him.

I know you all think that therapy's not effective...

That's not what I said.

It's what I said.

Look, Ethan.

In therapy we say it's best to avoid words like "always" and "never."

Express what you're feeling with "I" statements and come from a place of love.

Got it?

Got it.

The living room's this way.

Bob?

Hmm?

Ethan has something to say to you.

Well, for starters, you're not gonna get to meet Bill Murray.

What?

You don't get to meet Bill Murray.

I'm sorry.

Go on, Ethan.

The truth is...

Bill pulled out of the Tokyo Pro-Am, but maybe you can meet him at the Phoenix.

I'll give him a call.

Well, this is ridiculous. He's never gonna tell him!

Tell me what?

I'll do it, baby.

No!

Ethan is going to do it himself in a healthy, therapeutic manner.

Oh, good lord!

I'm with her.

Enough with this therapy baloney!

That's it! I can't take it anymore!

Therapy is not baloney!

It's real and I do it for a living.

And thank God I do, 'cause otherwise, we'd be in a world where people just blurt out that Ethan's golf career is over and he's living in our shed!

Now that was healthy and therapeutic.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Dad.

The last thing I'd ever want to do is disappoint you.

I was embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed too for my outburst.

But this isn't about me, so I'll just be right here.

Unfortunately... this means I'll need to stay with you until I get back on my feet.

I guess we got something in common, Dad.

We both got kids who are disappointments living at home.

both: Hey!

Hey!

Disappointment?

This man is not a disappointment!

It took a lot of guts for him to tell me the truth, the guts of a champion.

A champion who needs a hug, I'm guessing.

Seriously?

What are you doing here?

Ethan told me you come out here to eat children's cereal.

Yes, alone.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Whenever Ethan's around, you always get bent out of shape.

What's your problem with him?

It's not Ethan; it's you! You're the problem!

You never once give me...

You always treat him...

What? Why do you stop?

It's best to avoid words like "always" and "never."

Why?

I don't know. It's something I heard.

Look, Dad, I feel like you prefer Ethan to me.

And it hurts... the feelings... of me.

Ah, screw it.

Just get out of here and let me eat my cereal.

Suit yourself.

Look.

When you were born, I was in a bad marriage.

And maybe I associate you with that.

But then I met Alice, and I was in a happy marriage with this little boy who really needed me.

It probably won't make you feel any better, but the mistakes I made with you made me a better father to Ethan.

You are a good father.

To him.

Plus Ethan, he looks up to me.

He worships the ground I walk on.

Do you feel that way about me?

I'd have to be delusional to feel that way about you.

You are a pain in the ass, Mike.

You are a son of a bitch, dad.

Look at us getting all mushy.

What you got there?

Eh, Captain Crunch.

With Crunchberries? It's good stuff.

You know, when you were a kid I used to take all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms.

Lucky Charms has marshmallows?

Good night, Mike.

You can come out now, Martina.

I may have been a bad dad, but I'm still a hell of a detective.

Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do.

So do you, secret sugar cereal eater.

Yours is way worse than mine.

Cigarettes were never part of a balanced breakfast.

They were in the trailer park I grew up in.

That was a great talk that you two had.

And whoever gave you that "always" and "never" advice, sounds like a beautiful genius.

I apologize for ever doubting it.

Taste like cigarettes.

You taste like Crunchberries.

Lucky you.