01x04 - RearviewMirror

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Shea, what does this say? Alice sent me a text. It's just tiny cartoons.

Those are emojis.

Emojis?

God, I hate new things.

Heart, bed, female cop.

Oh, that must mean Alice is coming home in uniform.

When grandma is in her prison guard outfit I find her particularly enticing.

You know, Dad, I was going to try to eat this, so... if you would just please never, never say that again.

Hello.

Hello, officer.

I'm a bad boy, bad boy. Whatcha gonna do?

So I'll just go on a diet.

Oh, Mike, I wanted to tell you we got an inmate request today.

A prisoner wants to meet with you.

Kyle Sullivan.

Kyle Sullivan? Kyle Sullivan's in prison?

That is fantastic. I hope he fries.

Who is Kyle Sullivan?

He was your dad's fifth grade bully.

You had a bully, Dad?

You're like a giant.

I was small back then, and Kyle was responsible for the most humiliating moment of my life.

He super glued me to my chair, and I had to climb out of my pants in front of the whole class.

He was standing there crying in his little Superman underpants.

I skipped over certain details for a reason.

You should have seen Mike back then.

Short, scrawny, glasses, an all-you-can-eat buffet for bullies.

Well, it didn't help that you cut my hair with a bowl.

Well, I wasn't gonna pay five bucks for a haircut.

I'd already paid five bucks for the bowl.

I want to see pictures.

Well, they don't exist. I got rid of them all.

Oh, so we can get rid of all the pictures of me with glasses, braces, and zits.

No. Those are adorable.

You were such a sweet little mess.

It's so weird: we're sisters, but I never needed glasses, braces, or had zits.

What a fun point.

Weren't you a huge bully, Stella?

I wasn't a bully.

I just mocked people for their appearance or being different.

And you know, some of those kids lost the weight, so...

But if dad's still upset about his bully, then maybe some of the kids from my class are too.

You could track them down and make amends.

Yeah, I suppose I could.

There was this one kid I should really say sorry to.

His name was Elliot, but I called him "Smelliot."

And they say hot girls aren't funny.

You know, Mike, maybe that's why Kyle contacted you.

To apologize.

It could be good to finally bring some closure to a time in your life that obviously still haunts you.

Bad idea, Mike. Let the past stay in the past.

Don't go to see Kyle. Trust me on this one.

Well, I'm gonna go see him.

I've been dreaming about this moment for over 30 years.

Being big and successful and married, and looking him in the eye and saying, "Ha ha, I won!"

Martina, I want you to come with me.

Oh, that's a great idea, 'cause you know, as a therapist, I've helped lots of my patients confront the people who hurt them.

Yeah, sounds good. Just wear something super hot.

[upbeat music]

I'm still not sure about this outfit, Mike.

I mean, I know you want to show me off, and how taut my body is even after two kids, and how Pilates has kept me...

Let's bring him back in here, Martina.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so nervous all of a sudden.

I'm a grown man.

It's perfectly normal.

When you confront someone who hurt you as a child, it's not unusual to feel like that child again.

Oh, my God. There he is.

That mountain with a beard?

No, the guy behind him.

[upbeat music]

Oh, my God. That's Kyle?

Well...

Kyle was that size in fifth grade plus anybody's gonna look small next to Amish Hulk Hogan.

Thanks for the escort, Marcus.

Later I want to do some lifting in the yard, nothing too heavy; I'm going for tone, not bulk.

You think I'm too bulky?

No, no, no. On you it works.

Here you go.

No, I don't smoke.

You should. It makes you look cool.

Hey, Mikey. You got rid of the bowl cut.

Good move.

Aren't you going to introduce me to your daughter here?

Oh. [Laughs] I'm not his...

Just calm down, Martina.

This is my wife.

Enchanté, Martina.

Call me Neil Young, 'cause I wanna live with a cinnamon girl.

I also have a big house, a great job; I got two beautiful daughters.

So, in conclusion, ha ha, I win.

Kiss me, Martina.

Kiss me in front of him.

And I assume that you asked me here so you could apologize.

Before you do, I would also like to mention that I fly a helicopter.

I defy gravity like a god.

That's incredible.

And... apologize for what, buddy?

"Buddy?"

Oh, no, we... we weren't buddies.

You... you made my life miserable, and I'm not even talking about the little things, like playing keep away with my hat...

A little game...

Putting that "kick me" sign on my back...

Classic fun...

Calling me "tiny."

True then, ironic now.

Well, all that was nothing compared to... the incident.

Ooh, ominous.

What incident?

He's talking about that time you glued him to his chair.

No, I never did that.

I swear.

I called you down here because I need your help.

I'm in here for possession, but those dr*gs were planted.

Another thing you say you didn't do.

It seems to be a theme in your life.

There's security footage that proves I'm innocent.

I remembered your dad was a cop.

I thought maybe he could help get it.

Why didn't your lawyer get the footage and use it in court?

I got a public defender.

She game me five minutes and told me to plead out.

You know, they're overworked, underpaid and not nearly as hot as they are on TV.

Kyle, it's time for lunch.

Fish sticks.

Oh! My favorite.

Listen, Mike, I got no one else to turn to.

Please? Talk to your dad?

Hey, I never asked. What are you in here for?

Triple homicide.

Ah, people make mistakes.

That's why pencils have erasers.

Wow, Elliot. I don't remember you being so funny.

That's because you're usually making me cry.

Oh, look at us with this banter.

I'll go get us some more wine.

So how's it going?

You're not going to believe this, I'm kind of attracted to him.

I mean, he's nice, he's smart, he's funny.

I can't believe I'm crushing on a nerd.

I think Elliot is cute.

Really?

I don't get these skinny guys.

I need a big guy I can pretend is a firefighter.

Or a longshoreman.

Or Seattle Seahawks Defensive End Michael Bennett.

Mm, mm, mm, mm-mm.

I don't care what Coach Carroll says.

Michael, I'm gonna need you to crash that gap.

So, Elliot. I, Stella, being of sound mind, hot body, and only, like, two drinks, would like to go on a second date with you.

I'll give you a moment to not believe your luck.

Yeah, I'm not interested.

Wait, what?

[slowly] But I like you.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

You're getting back at me for bullying you.

Well played, sir. Well played.

But now that we're even...

No, it's just that, no offense, but you're kind of shallow, and I don't think we have anything in common.

I don't even know what we would talk about.

Sorry, Stella.

No, wait! We can talk about stuff.

Nerd stuff.

That wheelchair scientist with the robot voice!

Sorry, Stel.

Oh, this isn't over.

His rejection just made me want him more.

Give me a brain makeover. Make me smarter.

The smart thing would be to accept his rejection and move on.

Less smart than that.

Great.

You got Kyle's evidence box.

It's got tape on it that says, "Do not open."

Oops! What do you know? My Kn*fe slipped.

Is that even legal?

Calm down.

I'm friend with Joey in the evidence room.

He knows better than to rat me out.

I know where all the bodies are buried.

In an abandoned lot next to a pawn shop.

Are those the surveillance tapes?

Yes.

Now, before we get started, remember our deal.

If help you, you'll let this whole Kyle thing go, right?

Never bring it up again.

Deal.

All right, let's pop in these bad boys and we'll see if there's anything useful.

Oh, this brings back memories.

You and me on a stakeout.

I even bought us black coffee like we used to have.

Nothing an eight year old likes more than sitting outside a cr*ck house drinking black coffee.

I was just trying to toughen you up so you wouldn't get bullied.

Well, I did get bullied.

Kyle was horrible to me. You don't know what that's like.

No, the hell I don't.

I had a bully: my old man.

That bastard would get pissed if I looked at him wrong.

Drove me nuts; I mean, what's the right way to look at someone?

It's an impossible standard to impose on a person.

But I didn't complain. I toughened up.

Now I don't feel anything.

And I wanted the same for you.

♪ ♪

So anyway, we took credit for catching the Cedar River Strangler, but the truth is we don't know what happened to him.

He d*ed, he moved away, maybe just got tired of strangling.

You told me that he was still out there, and he'd get me if I didn't brush my teeth.

Remember what I'd say?

"The Strangler hates two things: Tooth decay and drifters."

And you never had a cavity.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Somebody is planting dr*gs in Kyle's desk.

Wow!

I have the evidence to set Kyle free... somebody I spent my whole life wishing would end up in jail.

Oh, it's a tough call.

I was in a similar spot once...

[phone ringing]

Oh, it's from Alice.

Hot dog, donut, expl*si*n, sleepy face.

I got to go!

I mean, I never thought I'd live to see the Erdos discrepancy problem solved, but now we know that two elements within certain sequences can grow without bound; am I right?

You are so right.

Stella, I have to say, I can't believe how wrong I was about you.

I'm so glad you insisted we go out again.

You're incredible.

Well, I'm delighted that you deigned to give me another chance.

Sometimes people find my intellect...

Intimidating, so I try to hide it.

Thanks, Grandma.

Thanks, Grandma.

Don't repeat everything I say.

Don't repeat everything I say.

I haven't repeated anything.

Well, while I...

Do feel like the privatization of space travel is a step forward in the long term, it does make me... uh... it makes me... [clearing throat]

Nostalgic for the glory days of NASA.

Nostalgic for the glory days of NASA.

Oh, no. My phone d*ed.

Uh...

Uh... I know.

You talk smart things for a while.

I did most of mine.

♪ ♪

Thanks for the escort, Marcus.

And wasn't I right about the cigarettes?

Aren't you getting a lot more compliments?

I am.

Okay.

And I'm sorry, Martina, but are you getting prettier every day?

Well, that's the plan.

Just turn it off, Kyle.

Look...

I have the proof that you didn't do it.

Oh, my God, give me that...

First I want the truth about the glue incident.

Oh, it's the old "give me what I want and I'll give you what you want."

Popular game here in prison.

The thing is, Mike, I rather stay in jail than lie to you.

I didn't do it.

If you didn't do it, then who did?

No idea.

I guess at this point there's no reason for you to lie about it.

Exactly.

Fine. Here, take it.

Thanks. I owe you one.

And you, modeling, look into it.

Oh. [laughs] Kyle...

Let's go!

What's with them?

The big guy wanted me to admit that I glued him to his chair in fifth grade.

Did you?

I kind of did.

I guess I was a bit of a d*ck back then.

So why won't you just admit it now?

I guess I'm still a bit of a d*ck.

So enough about science-y things.

Let's imitate dumb people and talk about TV.

Well, I just finished re-watching "Breaking Bad."

Have you seen it?

Of course.

And I definitely think it's a good thing we nerds came along and made watching TV feel more like books.

Hello, all. I'm your waitress.

I'm just trying to balance work and pursuing my dreams.

And your drinks on my tray, of course, because again, I'm a waitress.

Hi, waitress.

We were just talking about "Breaking Bad."

Oh, you were in here the other day saying that you love "Breaking Bad."

I believe your exact words were: "Finally a show where people respect the power and majesty of chemistry."

Oh, I totally agree. I loved every second of it.

Well, except for the "Fly" episode, of course.

Ugh, totally.

Are you kidding me?

The "Fly" episode was a daring deconstruction of the show's form, boiling complex issues down to a single primal drive.

Really? I think you mean boring.

Boring? I think you're confusing boring with nuance.

I think you're confusing nuance with masturbatory filmmaking.

Well, sure it's masturbatory, but isn't that pleasurable too?

Touché.

Why, thank you.

Uh, what's happening here?

I mean, seriously, random waitress, you're poaching my date?

What are you talking about? We're just talking.

Don't play dumb with me.

That's a game you'll never win.

I wasn't going to say anything, but now that you're being weird, obviously this is the way this story was going to end.

I told her what to say.

It's a classic Cyrano-inspired Comic-Con Rom-Com.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm Shea."

Do you really think we live in a world where brains are going to Tr*mp sex appeal?

I hope we live in that world.

And clearly this is a man who respects intelligence and substance.

Hold on a second.

Am I being fought over by two beautiful women?

This is a new experience.

Although, throughout the animal kingdom, it's not uncommon for a desirable male to have more than one mate.

Dude, are you trying to work a threesome?

Am I? I'm really new at this.

I mean, the... the concept sounds great, but...

I have enough anxiety with one woman.

I don't think being outnumbered would help.

You have anxiety?

Generalized, social, or panic disorder?

All of them.

Me too. What do you do for it?

I... I've tried yoga but I don't like...

Being told how to breathe.

You finished my sentence.

No girls has ever done that before.

Okay, you're right.

This is how this ends.

I don't understand all this talking about stuff anyway.

What are your thoughts on this? What are your thoughts on that?

Just shut up and feel me up already.

♪ ♪

Wait, so now you think the prison guy didn't do the glue thing?

Then who did? I don't know, but it's making me crazy.

So how did it go with Kyle?

He still says he didn't do it.

I guess I believe him.

Well, let that be the end of it.

No, no, no.

New suspect: Kenny Robinson.

He ate glue, so I know he had it.

Mike, you promised you'd let this thing go.

Let's just find out where Kenny lives and stake him out.

I'll bring the black coffee, and you...

Mike, damn it, stop!

No good ever comes from people digging into their pasts.

My whole career, but go on.

Just let it go.

Why?

Because I said so.

Why?

Because Kyle did it, okay?

The glue, the chair, the whole thing.

You knew all along, and you didn't say anything.

Wow, this is some "Pretty Little Liars"

[bleep] going on here.

I can't believe this. You knew Kyle did it.

The school called that day and asked if I wanted to make a formal complaint, and I said to forget about it.

Stella...

Yeah, I know the drill.

You guys are gonna yell at each other.

Let me know who wins. Good night, Grandpa.

Good night, honey. Sweet dreams.

What the hell are you gonna yell at me for?

Because you knew about this and you didn't tell me!

Because you could have protected me and you didn't!

I was protecting you.

If people knew you got Kyle into trouble, you would have turned into that kid, and that kid gets b*at up every day.

So instead, I signed you up for boxing lessons.

Where I got b*at up every day.

But you stuck with it, and you got big and strong.

So you're welcome.

You want me to thank you?

Because what I did made you stronger.

But to get there you let me feel humiliated and alone.

Do you ever stop whining?

Do you ever stop being a mean old prick?

This is great!

both: Not now, Martina.

See how alike you two are?

both: Don't say that!

What's great is that we're finally getting at the core issues.

Honey, you want to pretend that time in your life never existed, you want some apology that's gonna make it all seem better, but the way to truly put it behind you is to embrace what that time taught you and love that scared little boy inside you.

I don't love that little boy.

That's why there are no pictures of that little boy.

There is one.

I've had it since you were 11.

I keep it in my wallet.

Why?

Because I did love that little boy.

Dad...

Look... maybe I made some mistakes, and what I did could have turned out badly for a lot of kids, but not you!

I mean, look how good you turned out.

And that's on you.

I guess in your... your own strange way, I know you were looking out for me, so...

All right, I accept your apology.

I didn't apologize.

Yes, you did.

So you don't have to deny it anymore.

You did it.

I kind of did.

Well, I'm a grown man, and revenge is ultimately unsatisfying, so I only ask one thing, Kyle.

Buy me a beer.

Happy to do it, buddy.

[sighs]

You glued me to the chair, didn't you?

[imitating] - I kind of did.

Revenge is ultimately unsatisfying, but it's still fun.

You just lost yourself a free beer, my friend!

Today would have been a terrific day to wear underwear.

All right, people, prepare yourself for a show my last girlfriend called... adequate.