06x11 - House of 1000 Bounces

[bunniefuu]

Tina: Rudy's birthday party, here we come.

Yeah, we're coming for Rudy, but we're staying for the bounce house.

If I die from fun today, scatter my ashes in the bounce house, and tell them to keep bouncing.

There's Rudy's party.

Hey, they started bouncing without us. ‭Let's go!

Should we drop Rudy's present on the present pile, first?

Let's start a new present pile right, uh, here.

Just get your damn shoes off!

Excuse me, who are you?

Um, we're friends with the birthday boy.

Oh, 'cause last time I checked, this was my party, but let me check again.

Okay, the cake says, "Happy Birthday, Dahlia."

The banner says, "Dahlia."

That checks out.

Okay, yeah, still my party.

What is you point, woman?!

You kids have to leave, like, now.

Louise: There's Rudy's party.

That's weird. ‭Sasha?

Tina Belcher, haven't seen you since you cost me the King's Head Grand Prix.

We saw each other at the mall last month.

Yeah, I don't do malls; that wasn't me.

Oh, that explains why he kept saying, "I don't know you. I'm not Sasha."

What are you doing here?

Is this some kind of rich kid thing, where you come to the park and throw money at the ducks?

Ugh, it's my super-annoying cousin Dahlia's birthday party, and my mom made me come help my aunt chaperone.

You have an Aunt Chaperone?

Between you, me and the trees, Dahlia is history's greatest monster.

Sasha, nobody's even touching the crudité.

Go tell them it's rad, or whatever kids say.

Okay, Aunt Caitlin.

See you later, Belchers.

Sasha, don't call these children that.

It's our last name.

Well, he still shouldn't say it.

Hey, guys, thanks for coming.

I'm turning nine, and I'm feeling (inhales) fine.

Yeah, happy birthday. Here's your gift.

It's a holster for your inhaler.

It's supposed to be for pepper spray, but we realized it could be used for any spray.

Oh, wow, that's so nice.

My birthday's the same day as Ollie's.

My birthday's the same day as Andy's.

Just saying, we like holsters, too.

Hint, hint.

So, uh, I hate to be the guy that's like, "Where's your friggin' bounce house?"

(laughs): but where's your friggin' bounce house, Rudy?

There was a mix-up with the rental company.

They thought it was a duplicate order and only dropped off one for that party over there.

What?! ‭What?! ‭Can't they just bring another one?

No, they rented them all out.

My dad's on the phone really giving it to them right now.

Mm-hmm. N-No, I-I understand.

(chuckles): T-Totally.

This can't be happening!

Happy birthday, Rudy! Where's the bounce house?

There is no bounce house, Harley.

No!

Oh, it's okay. I don't need a bounce house.

I got my buds, I got cake, and later we'll be making spoon puppets and putting on a show.

Spoon puppets? Ugh.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Well, they really screwed us here, kids, and, uh, they suggest we go ask that party to "share" the bounce house with us.

They said that's the fun part about bounce houses, there's always enough bounces to go around.

Oh, God, this is a disaster.

Hey, it's okay, Dad.

We've got juice and sunshine.

We don't have any juice.

Oh. Well, we've got water.

No, we're out of water.

Come on, I'm sure we can talk that girl into letting us share; she seemed nice.

No. ‭Oh, good. Oh, you said, "No."

Yeah, I'm not gonna share my bounce house with some rando kids.

Uh, thanks for considering.

Hey, same birthday club.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, so we good?

(grunting)

Uh, can I buy some juice off of you?

No, we need it for the after-party.

Do you have any water?

No. (sighs)

Okay, I guess we could always drink from the pond.

So, I have to ask.

I've been here 20 minutes, and I still can't tell.

Is that a real pigeon?

What? Pigeon? What pigeon?

What are you talking about?

Up there, on the TV.

(cooing) ‭Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Oh, no, no.

So I'm not seeing things.

I got pretty drunk this morning at brunch at the lodge.

Did you know there's vodka in a bloody Mary?

Bob, what are you doing?

Uh, I'm moving away from the pigeon that's inside of the restaurant.

How'd it get in here?

Did it just walk through the door?

Can pigeons open doors?

Do you mean metaphorically?

In the right situation, I suppose.

(pigeon coos) ‭(gasps)

God, Bob, I've never seen you so afraid of something so tiny.

It's not tiny. It's like a small eagle.

All right, well, calm down.

I'll shoo it out.

Teddy, open the door.

‭Got it.

I guess, Bob, you keep cowering. On it.

Come on, Mr. Pigeon, come on.

Mr. Pigeon, come on, out.

(screaming)

Thanks for scaring him toward my face!

Bob, what are you doing? You're freaking him out.

I'm gonna go to the kitchen.

Not 'cause I'm scared, but because I'm the cook.

Yeah, right, you don't look scared at all.

Is it still out there?

Yes, it's still here, sitting on one of the stools right now.

It's a stool pigeon.

(both laughing) Stool pigeon.

Will you stop having fun with this?

Good thing we have these spoon puppets to fall back on.

Everybody, pull up a seat and let's get spooning!

This is unjust.

Hey, look what I made, a robot.

Ugh, Rudy, you have been so wronged here, on your birthday.

We can't allow this to happen.

We're getting in that bounce house.

But Dahlia already said we can't share it.

But she didn't say we can't steal it.

(gasps)

But wasn't that kind of implied?

Oh, my God, a bounce house heist!

Gene: We should be filling that bounce house up with farts, not them.

I bet they're not even farting.

Don't worry, tell your butts we'll be in there soon enough.

Or, hey, maybe we don't steal the bounce house, eh?

Oh, Rudy, stealing is the best part of any birthday.

Is this the first bounce house you've ever stolen?

Sasha, have you been spying on us, spying on your cousin?

Don't flatter yourself.

I was over here, taking a Dahlia break, staring at the so-called water, when I happened to overhear your so-called plan.

Oh, snap.

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

‭Do what?

I'll help you steal Dahlia's bounce house.

Why would we need your help?

Uh, first of all, ouch.

Second of all, you need a man on the inside.

I am that man.

Uh, Dahlia is your cousin; we can't trust you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she's my cousin, but I wish she was-n.

Really?

Um, are you trying to look into my soul?

Already there, and it isn't pretty.

But you're not lying.

Not about this.

Okay, we can trust him.

So, listen, you can't just go drag this thing back to your spot.

It's staked down, it needs a generator, it needs a fan, and, oh, it's a 22-foot-tall castle.

Here's what I'm thinking, You don't need the fan or the genny if you find a way to seal the thing up, duct tape or something.

My wallet is made of duct tape; is that helpful?

No. (scoffs) Oh.

We're also gonna need a place to put the bounce house where Dahlia can't get to it.

There, the lake.

Hmm, interesting.

She's not gonna want to wade out there to get to you.

Yeah, it's only three feet deep, but two of those feet are duck poop, I heard.

Yes, the lake, that's the spot.

But we're gonna have to do something about the adults.

Your dad, divorced, right?

Why do you say that?

He's here by himself, he's wearing skinny jeans, retro eyeglasses, and his teeth look like they're on day five of a whitening strips program.

You're good.

I know. My aunt's divorced, too.

I'll send her this way.

Her New Year's resolution was to be less picky.

Let's put that to the test.

Gene, Tina, go search that ranger truck.

It looks like the bumper is held on with duct tape.

Maybe there's a roll in the back.

More stealing?

It's not stealing, it's borrowing.

Everything we're taking today is going back to its rightful owners when we're done with it.

Plus, tape is everyone's.

You can't own tape.

Aw... I think it's all tired out from smashing into the window.

Don't know why the open door isn't as inviting.

Eh, I've walked into that window a couple of times.

Let's just corner it and grab it and take it outside, right?

Okay, I'll do the grabbing.

I haven't held a living thing for a while.

It'll be good for me.

(cooing)

Ah!

Whoo!

He seems strangely okay with this.

What is this, reverse psychology?

Huh? What are you doing?

Teddy, Teddy, wait, wait, let me see him, let me see him.

Huh?

Aw, so docile.

Maybe we should take it to Bob.

We'll show him how harmless it is.

That sounds like a great idea!

Yeah, he'll see how cute it is and realize pigeons are nothing to be afraid of, come on.

Yeah, that's how I got over my fear of babies.

Hi, Bobby. We're coming down.

Bob? You decent?

Yes, Teddy. Why wouldn't I be decent?

I-I don't know how you run your business.

Did you get the pigeon out?

Maybe. Before we answer that, come here.

What?

Hold out your... close your eyes.

No. What are you... what?

Hold out your hands.

What are you doing, Lin?

Hold them out. Get them...

(Bob screams)

Okay, okay.

Why are you holding it?!

Why'd you bring it down here?!

Because it's harmless, Bobby.

Look, it's a baby.

Pigeons aren't harmless, Lin.

They steal French fries and they poop on everything and they att*ck people's faces.

Just pet it, Bobby, you'll see.

Look, he likes it.

He's so soft.

Get it away!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(screams)

Great, now you got the pigeon stuck deeper into the restaurant.

Okay, okay, you just got to let it exhaust itself.

Like Gene at dinner.

Oh, my God.

(imitates siren): Wee-yoo, wee-yoo.

Single dad checking out Aunt Caitlin alert.

What? Where?

The guy who wanted to share the bounce house?

Oh, I'm sure that was just his pathetic excuse to come over here.

Eh.

Okay, you're out of his league, but you've been away from the game.

Take a few swings, shag some ground balls.

I don't know.

Look, he may not be a sugar daddy, but he's a daddy, sugar.

Hmm. How do I look?

Pretty divorced.

Go get him.

Hey, Rudy's dad.

What do you, uh, think of Dahlia's mom?

Uh, I'd let that dump me.

Sorry, you're kids; but that is my answer.

Well, she seems to be coming over here, and she's looking at you.

Really? H-How do I look?

Like a man who's about to find romance in a public park.

Rudy, booger check?

Clear, except for Ol' Faithful.

He's never coming out.

That's right, son.

Great park, huh? Really great park.

I mean, if you like parks.

Yeah. Hey, remember when it was closed because that guy kept flashing joggers?

Yeah. Yes, I do remember that.

Yeah, well, that wasn't me.

I don't... Yeah. ‭Good.

I mean, I don't know why I brought that up.

It's the only thing I can think of when I'm near a park.

We did it. The ranger had duct tape in his truck, just like you said.

And two dead raccoons.

Being a ranger might not be the glamorous job we thought it was.

All right, time to move on to phase two of the plan.

Show me your taping faces.

(grunting) ‭Gene, too big.

Tina, perfect. ‭Thanks.

Time to bring out my lovely assistant, Miss Direction.

Okay, Dahlia's friends and Dahlia, gather round, near me.

Focus all your attention here.

There's nothing else worth looking at.

Time to toast the birthday girl.

Oh, we're doing toasts?

Talk about the friendship bracelet company I'm starting, Wristy Business.

Hey, hey, eyes up here, kids; older boy talking.

So, what is there to say about Dahlia that she hasn't already said about herself?

She is without a doubt, my cousin.

Wait, we forgot the cake.

I'm gonna tell a funny, loud story about Dahlia.

This is what she sounded like when she started her friendship bracelet company: "Look at me. I'm starting a friendship bracelet company. I'm however many years old and I'm an en-entrepreneur."

Hmm?

"How impressive." ‭(gasps)

My bounce castle!

What? Oh, no. What's happening? Why you?

Louise: Go, go, go, go!

Push, Jeremy, damn it.

I'm pushing.

(grunting)

Everybody in!

(screaming)

Yes, we did it!

Wait, where's Gene?

There!

(panting)

For cake's sake, wait for me!

(distorted yell)

This is Rudy's bounce house now, Dahlia! You can have it back once we've bounced all the fun out of it!

(growling yell)

I'm floati, I'm bouncing, there's cake.

This is probably what it's like to be an astronaut!

I'm tall, I'm small, I'm tall, I'm small...

Bouncing on land is for idiots.

Both: Ow. Ow. Ow.

Mom, go get it!

I'm not going in there.

Make your new boyfriend get it.

Eh, uh, boyfriend?

(chuckles) Okay.

Uh, Rudy, kids, gonna need you to turn the castle around and come back to shore!

We can't steer it!

Well, I tried. It's up to the tides now.

Thanks.

You're very welcome. (chuckles)

So, uh, what do you think, Rudy?

What other kid has a bounce house on a lake for his birthday?

It's nice, I guess, but it's cutting into spoon puppet time, and there are all those angry kids waiting for us.

Rudy, come on.

It's your birthday party, man. Enjoy it.

Here, jump on some cake; you'll like it.

(shudders)

Whoa, still going.

That's one tough pigeon.

(shudders) I wish I had gone to Rudy's birthday.

Is it weird if I just show up?

Bob, what is going on with you?

I've never seen you like this.

Well, we've never had a pigeon trapped in the restaurant before, Lin.

We've lived a blessed life, and now that's over.

What's the matter? Did something happen to you?

Did a pigeon wrong you?

I don't think so. I mean, maybe.

But it would probably take years of therapy to...

Oh, my God, I remember!

What? What? What happened? What?

I just remembered being in this house.

It was dark inside.

And for some reason... I don't know why... I-I went upstairs. Then I heard this strange fluttering behind a door, and I stared at the doorknob for what felt like three minutes.

But then I went in, and there was this big hole in the ceiling.

You could see the sky through it.

And then I heard, I-I heard this terrible cooing.

I guess a bunch of pigeons had flown in there, like, dozens.

And then... and then they att*cked me.

(screaming)

(birds cooing) Oh, God!

That didn't happen to you.

Yes, it did.

No, it happened to Tippi Hedren in The Birds.

What?

Bob, you're describing an exact scene in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

They call it "sh*t for sh*t."

Bob, you think you're Tippi Hedren, honey.

I don't think I'm Tippi Hedren.

I'm describing an event from my life.

Oh, my God, I'm Tippi Hedren.

Yeah, you wish.

I guess I must have seen that movie when I was young.

Oh, you poor thing. You poor dumb thing.

So, I guess, technically, I shouldn't be afraid of pigeons.

There's so much other stuff to be afraid of.

Like getting stuck in one of those beds that flips into the wall or falling down the shower drain.

Getting choked by a guy.

What?

‭Nothing.

Do you know what, I'm gonna go downstairs and I'm gonna get that bird myself.

Really?

Yeah. I'm not afraid of pigeons anymore.

Yay! Go, Bobby!

Attaboy, Bob.

You're not afraid of a pigeon.

You're not afraid of a pigeon, Bob.

All right, here goes.

Are you, uh... are you still down here?

(pigeon coos)

Oh, that was a really expensive bottle of olive oil.

Did you do that? Probably.

That was mean of you.

(screams)

Don't hurt me!

(pigeon coos)

Oh, what happened? You-you don't look so good.

Oh, you got him.

Ew, wait. What's all over it?

It's covered in olive oil.

Don't do it, Bob, don't do it!

You can't eat your fears!

I'm not gonna eat it, Teddy.

Then why'd you put olive oil on it?

I Di... I didn't.

It did it to itself.

So, I guess, let's put it outside?

Okay, fly away. Go on.

You're free.

Go ahead, live your life.

Don't look back.

I don't think it can fly with all that oil on it.

Maybe it can just walk home, right?

It probably lives nearby.

We can't just leave a bird on the ground covered in oil.

When did we make that rule?

Why don't we just put some bread crumbs on him, huh?

Some cat's gonna come along and have a pigeon Parmesan.

(sighs) Fine, we'll call a shelter, or whatever you do for oily pigeons.

Aw, we got a little pigeon patient.

(whooping) Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump...

Ramming speed!

What was that?

Row, row, row your boats!

We're under att*ck! It's a siege!

What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?!

Jeremy, seal the gates.

Everyone else, bounce on this side.

We'll move this sucker with bounce power.

(grunting)

It's working.

I found the weak spot!

Rip it off.

No, no, no, no!

Tina: No!

‭Rudy: Stop!

(air hissing) Oh, no!

Maybe it'll be fine without air in it.

Mm, yeah, maybe not.

We're sinking!

Everyone abandon ship!

But I'm with my dad this weekend, and he doesn't have a dryer.

We don't have a choice!

(yelling)

(groaning)

Yes! You lose.

Yeah, you're right. She's all yours.

Oh.

Sasha?

I thought you were on our side.

(quietly): Gene, shush. He's a double agent.

He has to pretend to help them.

Oh. Sorry, Sasha.

I forgot you were a double agent.

Oh!

Oh, man.

Sasha? You bastard!

Okay, fine, yes, I helped them, and I have zero regrets.

This is Ranger Matthew Dainko.

Come to shore immediately.

You're in big trouble!

Well, now I have one regret.

‭Louise: Aw, crap.

So you took this party's bouncy house, pushed it into the lake, sank it, and stole my duct tape.

Who steals duct tape?!

Kids will be kids, right?

We're a bunch of little stinkers.

Yeah.

These are serious charges.

Oh, okay. So what happens now?

Shall we all exchange information, Caitlin?

No, no, thank you.

But, just... to cover all... ‭Nope, nope.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

These kids are going to jail.

(gasping) Jail?

Well, ranger jail.

These cones are like bars, okay?

Don't cross them.

They're not like bars.

(growls)

But we get your point.

Can we cr*ck a window?

It's smelling awfully rangery in here.

No! Now, you, it's paperwork time.

Oh, you are very intense.

Whew. I mean, little setback... got incarcerated... but all in all, pretty great birthday party, huh, Rudy-Rudes?

Huh, your face is looking a little red there, pal.

Squishing your fists pretty tight.

Does that mean you're happy?

(growls) "Great birthday party"?!

Great?! This is the worst!

I didn't want to steal that bounce house, but none of you would listen.

(inhales) All I wanted was a spoon puppet show.

I wrote a script and everything!

It's a comedy-drama with two (gasps) strong female leads.

(crying): I was proud of it.

So... you didn't like your party.

(crying)

Bob: Right, uh-huh.

Oh, okay. ‭What are... what are they saying?

They have a pigeon lady.

She gives baths to dirty pigeons.

Aw.

Dirty pigeon lady.

So, does someone come here and get it?

Oh, we drive it to you.

But you're, like, 50 miles away.

It's just, I carried the pigeon outside, and I-I took kind of a big step today, so maybe you guys should take it from here.

Oh, okay, bye.

What is it? What are we doing?

What are we doing?

Okay, Bob, it's ready!

Bob: I'm in the bathroom, Lin!

What?

Why are you in the tub with the pigeon?

We were supposed to give it a bath.

Yeah, in the kitchen sink.

I wouldn't fit in the kitchen sink.

Not you, just the pigeon.

Oh, yeah.

You're right. I-I didn't think of that.

That, uh, yeah, that would've been the way to do it.

Yes.

But I did need a bath.

I was touching a pigeon all day.

Mm-hmm.

Look, Lin, I put bubbles on him.

He looks like a British barrister.

(British accent): Hello. Guilty as charged.

Well, I guess you're not scared of pigeons anymore.

I guess not.

Hey, this is how The Birds should have ended: Tippi Hedren taking a bath with a bunch of birds.

Hey, Rudy, want to have a puppet show?

No, it's too late.

We don't have spoons, but we still have the makings of a great cast here.

Such as this up-and-comer.

(Southern accent): I'm Pam Flit.

Get it? Pam Flit.

I'm just dying to play a strong female lead in a comedy-drama.

I could watch that pamphlet read the phone book.

Tina, you're stamps.

Stamps? I won't mail in this performance.

Gene, calculator.

You can count on me.

Type, type, type. "Boobs."

Harley, stress ball.

Oh, my God, I totally connect with this character!

Andy, Ollie, comb and that other side of the comb.

It's got perfect teeth.

Like you, Ollie.

Sasha, paper-clip.

Thank you.

Harley, I want the stress ball.

Trade. You're the paper-clip now.

Ooh, I love the paper-clip!

I am attached to this project. (chuckles)

I want the paper-clip back.

Just give me, give me it back.

‭No, no!

Give me it back. Oh.

‭No, no!

Hey, what about me?

Uh, Jeremy, you're your belt.

Oh, cool.

Is this happening?

Is this really happening?

Yep. You got your script handy?

Yeah. I mean, I was hoping we could workshop it a little bit.

Also, we should probably tweak it, 'cause it was written for spoons.

But you know what, we'll find it.

Let's just dive in.

Hey, what are you kids doing past the cones?

You're touching all my stuff!

All right, come on, kids. We're free to leave.

Oh, um, can we stay a little longer?

We're just about to do my script.

Yeah, my big monologue's coming up, I assume.

Oh, well, I, uh...

Okay, you can stay.

What? I can't just let you kids stay in here as long as you want.

Then every kid would be in here all the time.

How about this? We'll give you a part.

Eh, I don't know. What's the part?

You can be, uh, well, the stapler.

The stapler?

It's a pretty meaty part.

All right, I'm in.

Thanks, Louise. This is the birthday I wanted.

You're welcome, Rudy.

All right, enough chitchat. We got a show to do!

Places, everyone.

"We open on a tenement in Baltimore in 1981."

Louise (Southern accent): Last time I saw you, you were prom queen.

Dainko (high-pitched): Oh, yeah? Well, now I'm a hooker.

"She takes a long drag off her cigarette, knowing it could be her last."

(singers vocalizing)

♪ Do the dirty pigeon, do the dirty pigeon ♪
♪ Do the dirty pigeon, do the dirty pigeon ♪
♪ Do the dirty pigeon, do the dirty pigeon ♪
♪ Do the dirty pigeon, do the dirty pigeon ♪

(pigeon cooing)

Bob (British accent): Hello. Guilty as charged.

♪ Do the dirty pigeon, do the dirty pigeon ♪
♪ Do the dirty pigeon, do the dirty pigeon ♪
♪ Do the dirty pigeon... ♪