06x14 - The Hormone-iums

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Wagstaff's own puberty positive players, The Hormone-iums, featuring Tina Belcher.

(crowd whooping and applauding)

♪ New friends on your face ♪
♪ It isn't yucky ♪
♪ You're breaking out and you're lucky ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ Can't keep it in any more ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ You're bursting out of your pores ♪
♪ Breaking out ♪
♪ It's simple ♪
♪ It's pimples ♪
♪ You've got inside-out dimples ♪
♪ You're... ♪
♪ Breaking...♪
♪ Out... ♪

(crowd cheering)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh.

Ooh, my little star has a Hormonee-os show today.

Hormone-iums.

Ugh, we have the Internet now, do we still have to listen to songs about puberty during lunch?

What's the show about this time?

Changing bodies?

Aunt Flo?

We have an Aunt Flo?

She's missed all my birthdays.

(sighs)

We're performing "Body Hair! Where? There!"

Tina, you seem upset. Do you not like that one?

No, I love it.

It's just... I've been in that group for two years, and even though I'm totally over my stage fright now, Mr. Frond has never given me a solo.

Chorus is just as big a deal as the solos, sweetie.

Just because people don't care about something doesn't mean it's not important.

Thanks, Mom.

Lost and Found auction time.

All right! I'm ready, Linda.

We got a pager, a thermos with something rattling around inside it.

Oh, my God, maybe it's an emerald!

Could be.

You got to buy it to find out.

We also got a "I Voted" sticker; could save you a trip to the polls next year.

I want that!

All right, Teddy, get down!

One really large high-heeled pump, and a half bottle of Chardonnay.

Hey, I left that here.

Guys, this stuff isn't that good.

I mean, you know you don't have to buy anything, right?

Uh-uh, yes we do, Bobby.

Linda's such a good saleswoman.

She sold me a nickel for a dime once.

Great nickel, too, super shiny.

All right, just... Come on, come on, come on, I'm so excited!

Yup.

Okay, here we go.

You know the rules.

Your hand goes up, you got to pay, so don't stretch or wave unless you got the dough.

Frond: Three minutes, performers.

Angela, you look a little pale.

Do you have blush or would you like one of the other students to slap you? Your choice.

I have blush.

Hi Tina. Wassup, girl?

Hi Jimmy Jr., Zeke.

Hey, did you hear about Jocelyn's party this Friday night...

You mean about the 45 minute window when her mom is going to pick up her brother from soccer practice and her dad is on a business trip so there will be (whispering): spin the bottle.

Um, yes, I heard.

Yeah, that one. Pretty crazy, huh?

It's not that crazy once you realize that the bottle's rotation is pretty predictable if you can figure out the drag so you just...

Tina, line up.

(upbeat music playing)

♪ There's something new on me and you ♪
♪ Brand-new fur on him and her ♪
♪ Hair! ♪
♪ Where? ♪
♪ There! ♪

(gasps)

Ow, Mr. Frond, she fell on me.

(whispering): Is this part of the show?

I have no idea but this is the best they've ever been.

Angela, come with me.

Everyone else, keep going.

And people say that theater is dead.

Linda: 15 now, who'll say 15?

For this very nice book of matches, 15 cents.

15!

15 cents from the sexy stylist on the stool.

Do I hear 20 cents?

Oh, oh, me!

Oh, I got 20 cents from the tomb raider, Mort the mortician.

Twenty-five!

Whoa, too rich for my blood.

Going once... going twice... sold to Teddy for 25 cents.

Yeah! Yes!

In your face, Mort.

In your face.

Easy.

Sorry, sorry, you know I get carried away at the auction.

Okay, next item is an extra large, extra in-charge women's high-heel shoe, left behind by Marshmallow.

I asked her if she wanted it back, she said it was out of season.

Let's start the bidding at one dollar.

One dollar, come on, people.

Teddy?

I don't know any extra large one-legged ladies, but if I did, man, I would be getting that shoe.

50 cents?

Forty-five?

Thirty?

You're missing the possibilities, here, people.

It's not just a giant shoe, it's a, it's a... it's a... uh, it's a Wine Shoe.

Yeah, it's an elegant way to display your wine.

Oh, my God, I love it.

It's like a foot that gets you drunk.

Five dollars.

No, no, no, no, no, six! Uh, seven!

Really? Okay, seven dollars going once.

Eight!

Eight dollars, do I hear nine...

Nine!

Mike, you want that thing?

You don't?

No.

Good.

$15!

Do I hear $15.50?

Uh...

$15 going once.

(Teddy groaning)

Twice!

(groaning)

And three times a lady, sold to Gretchen for $15.

Thank you very much.

Oh, that is gonna haunt me.

Frond: Thank you all for coming in.

I have terrible slash wonderful news, Hormone-iums.

Angela has come down with mononucleosis!

Oh, no, will she be okay?

Who knows?

But the real news is that to confront this urgent crisis, there will be a special assembly this Friday about the dangers of mono, and I have asked the principal to ask us to perform at it... and he said, wait for it, "Fine."

So, this Friday, The Hormone-iums will present our new review, Mona Nucleosis, on the auditorium stage!

(all gasp)

Exactly!

I'll be holding auditions between Tina and Candy to determine who will temporarily replace Angela as our female soloist.

Tina can have it.

I'm just in this group as a punishment. Wait, what?

What?

Nothing, congrats, Tina.

Okay... congratulations to our new soloist, Tina Belcher.

♪ Oh, my God. ♪

I mean, I guess that'd be okay.

(excited chattering)

Zeke: Tina, look over here!

Peter: Tina, we love you!

She's great. She's so great.

Tina, is it true that you'll be starring as Mona Nucleosis at the all-school assembly this Friday?

Well, I don't want to brag, but it's true.

(crowd cheering)

Tina, I know this is weird timing, but will you marry me?

No, no, no, marry me!

No, marry me!

You get over here.

Ow, Zeke, ow!

Ow, Zeke! (grunting)

Zeke, ow! Zeke!

I could get used to this.

Tina-bean-a, time to get ready for school.

More like school needs to get ready for me.

Love it!

Love the confidence.

Linda!

Have I got a bone to pick with you.

Me?

Yes, you.

What?

My girlfriends at the salon love the Wine Shoe so much, they will not stop bugging me to order one for them. (gasps)

It's like the Patrick Dempsey calendar situation all over again.

Oh, my God, really?

Yeah, I've got four hairdressers who are willing to pay upwards of, like, $20 for one.

Stop it.

Yeah.

You hear that, Bob?

I heard.

You don't have any more Wine Shoes, though.

Right, well, uh, let's see.

I can call Marshmallow and see where she gets her shoes.

Bob, give me her number.

I-I don't have her number, Lin.

Oh, I thought you had it.

Okay, uh, do you know where she lives?

All I know about Marshmallow is that she comes and goes as she pleases, she answers to no one, and she is truly free.

Okay, calm down. She's a free spirit, we get it.

Tina: ♪ There's nothing ♪

♪ You're missing ♪
♪ If you're not kissing ♪
♪ Kissing is so scary ♪
♪ It will make you ill, oh! ♪
♪ So if you wanna kiss someone ♪
♪ Go on and kiss your pill-ow ♪
♪ I never want to kiss ♪
♪ Even if I have great breath ♪
♪ Kissing causes mono ♪
♪ And mono can cause... ♪

.. death.

Say, Mona, I'd like to kiss someone.

But kissing is dangerous.

(mouthing) PETER: nlt won't hurt to do one kiss.

Okay, when you put it that way.

(smooching)

(coughs)

Oh, no.

I'm dying... of mono.

♪ She's dying, she's dying ♪
♪ She's dying ♪ I... I...

Mr. Frond, my character really dies?

That seems kind of extreme.

Oh, okay, Tina, perhaps we should do a non-extreme show.

That'll get our point across, right?

Something subtle?

I'm just not sure this is the best way to teach kids about mono.

I mean, most of the time, kissing is fine.

Maybe that could be the song.

♪ Most of the time ♪

Oh, Tina...

♪ Kissing is fine... ♪

.. Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.

Yes?

The theater is about drama.

Happiness... sadness, fear, death!

Now, let's take it from the top... and, Candy, let's make sure those jazz hands look a little jazzier, okay?

It's not called wet napkin hands.

(sighs)

Maybe no one will come to the mandatory assembly.

Kids, your dad and I are going to Toe-Tanic so we can make more Wine Shoes.

Oh, my gosh, we're almost out of Wine Shoes?!

What the heck are you guys talking about?

Toe-Tanic is an over-sized women's shoe store.

Wine Shoe is a thing your mom invented, and now Gretchen's friends want to buy them for some reason.

Of course, of course, makes perfect sense.

W-w-w-wait, you are not going to Toe-Tanic without me.

I guess you can come.

Like you could stop me!

All right, fine, I'll go, and I'm in charge of everything.

I called it.

Tina, you want to go?

No, I'm good.

Tina, you okay?

Yeah, fine, fine, fine.

Just going over my script for the big show.

Well, we're all really proud of you and your... and your puberty stuff.

I know it's a big deal to you.

Yeah, I'll just stay here and memorize my lies.

I mean lines! Bye!

O-okay, see you in a bit.

Great!

Let's go to the land where the women are big and the dreams are bigger.

Man: Hello, welcome.

I'm Adrian. How can I help you?

Hi, we're in the market for high heels.

Sir, my mom's got a business idea.

It's called Wine Shoe, and we want to buy in bulk.

Well that sound... I'm sorry, wait, did you just say "Wine Shoe"?

Yeah! You take a bottle of wine, and you put it in a shoe.

Uh-huh...

Right?

Oh... that's it?

Yeah!

Pretty good, right?

Yeah. Now, what will a pair of these honeys set my client back?

Oh, those?

Uh, they're $155.

(coughs) Wow! Okay.

Can you show us something in the, uh... ten dollar range?

Ten dollars?

Uh, okay.

Do you know how much material goes into a size 14 woman's shoe?

How much engineering?

This heel will hold up to 350 pounds of woman.

Walking... working... dancing... living.

In fact, my good friend, the incredible Miss Taint Behavin' does five shows a weekend in these exact shoes.

So even if there was a ten dollar size 14 woman's shoe, I wouldn't sell it.

Lives are at stake!

How old do you have to be to work here?

Twenty-seven.

Linda: Oh, well, what's the use of having dreams if they can't be crushed?

Hold on, Mom.

Maybe we don't need to buy those shoes right now.

What? Then all we'd have is wine and what good is that?

I can't believe I just said that.

We pitch our idea to investors.

What investors? Where do we find investors?

Right... there.

(laughing)

Oh, hello, Belchers!

Just having one of our money fights.

(laughing): Get away!

(Fischoeder and Felix laughing)

See what I mean, Mom?

(gasps)

Felix: I got you!

No, no, what're you talking about?

Bob and Louise: Oh, my God.

This just in. Someone got mono so now we all have to watch a play.

Here's more from Jocelyn.

Thanks, Tammy.

The play is this Friday, which is also my birthday.

There will be an all school assembly, where the Hormone-iums will perform, Mona Nucleosis, a show about the dangers of mono, but it's not about my birthday, I don't think.

Let's see the clip.

♪ No, no, kissing ♪
♪ Kissing is the worst ♪
♪ If you kiss me ♪
♪ You'll end up in a hearse. ♪

Wow, downer.

Don't kiss Tina, I guess.

And now weather.

Jocelyn?

Whoa, Tina!

You're like the cover girl of No Kissing magazine.

No, no, no!

I do like kissing!

Didn't seem like it.

No, I, I...

(gasping)

(nervous grunting)

(Tina nervous grunting)

Oh, no!

(nervous grunts)

Tina, what are you doing?

You can't put these up!

No one will ever want to kiss me again!

(Tina nervous grunting)

Stop it, Tina, stop it.

I quit, I quit, I'm quitting the show.

I quit!

You can't quit.

You're Mona Nucleosis!

And we're gonna be on the main stage!

Do you know how long I've been trying to get the principal to let the Hormone-iums perform on that stage?!

And no one is going to think you really hate kissing.

Do people think Tony Danza is really The Boss?

I do, I mean, he's at least a boss.

(groaning)

Oh, Tina, you always wanted to be a soloist, and now you will be and it doesn't have to stop there.

I mean, this could be just the beginning of solos for you.

Really?

Yes.

Hey, what if I made you the female Hormone-iums soloist permanently?

Whoa, that's been my dream for two years.

And now it's all coming true.

So, do we have a deal?

(nervous groaning)

Okay.

Great.

Now, Tina, no more freaking out.

Just press your feelings into a tight little diamond and sparkle.

(groans)

Oh... hey, Tina.

Quick thing about my birthday party.

Sorry, but I have to uninvite you.

What?!

Yeah.

It's a reverse-vitation.

You have a minus one to this party.

Wait, why?

Because Tammy said.

You're like a kiss narc now.

Hello!

How can we trust Miss No Kissing not to (whispering): rat out a kissing party?

I don't really hate kissing.

I'm just playing a part.

Okay, but I'm playing a part where I uninvite you to my party, and I'm really good at it.

You are. You're really believable.

I know.

I'm like so good at this role.

(nervous groaning)

Permanent soloist.

Permanent soloist.

Permanent soloist.

Permanent soloist.

Permanent soloist!

Oh, good, you're here.

I got Gretchen to loan me the Wine Shoe back for 24 hours.

We got to work on our pitch for the Fischoeders.

They're coming tomorrow afternoon.

Okay, Gene, write these down.

All right.

Um, Mer-loafers.

Mm-hmm.

Sauvingnon Blahniks.

Mom, listen to me.

We need to sell Wine Shoe as a journey, not a product.

We got to tell them a story and if that fails, you have to cry.

Huh, all right, okay.

Uh, the story is...

Wine Shoes... go together... like wine...

Good so far.

Y... sometimes, you just need a little wine in your shoe... to get through...

Wait, you could do, uh, Cinderella.

Yes!

Like, oh, where does this shoe fit?

On a bottle of wine.

The one you've been waiting for your whole life.

Finally, you found your Prince Charming, and it's a bottle of wine.

Oh, my God, Bobby, I'm transported.

Dad, you son of a bitch.

Let's do this.

(whoops)

♪ I thought kissing would be heaven ♪
♪ So I kissed a boy ♪
♪ Or seven ♪
♪ Mononucleosis has got you ♪
♪ On your knees ♪
♪ Worse than halitosis ♪
♪ It's a kissing disease ♪
♪ All your bad decisions ♪
♪ Have kicked you in your butt ♪
♪ If only I'd kept my ♪
♪ Lips ♪
♪ Shut... ♪

We're ready.

(upbeat music from Gene's keyboard)

Oh, I have the most beautiful bottle of wine in all the land... but alas, I have no place to display it.

Hark.

Ooh, I wasn't expecting that.

Excuse me, fair maiden, but I couldn't help but notice that you may have dropped this shoe at my castle.

I did?

I am going from home to home seeing what this shoe could fit on.

Oh, it looks too big for me, alas.

But wait!

What if the shoe fits on the wine?

(all gasp)

We'll fund your play.

I have a few notes, but I think it would be great if you...

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh, we're not selling the play, we're selling this.

(keyboard plays fanfare)

Gentleman, today we are offering you a 50% stake in our company, Wine Shoe, for the low price of $1,000.

Never more will your wine look lame, sitting there on the counter like an idiot.

Pinot gross-i-o!

Give your wine that wow factor with Wine Shoe.

Ah!

So... you did not call me over here to give me rent money?

Okay, so you're out.

Felix, what do you say?

Well, I have had some businesses like this in the past.

I founded Light-Tights, the tights with the light-up fannies. I have those.

I'm afraid, however, that Wine Shoe...

Wha-wha-what?

...just doesn't speak to me.

What?!

Yeah, sorry, Linda, but it's a no.

Oh, come on...

Mom!

(whining)

What?

(whispering): Cry.

Oh, oh, right, right, right.

(crying) Look what you did to my mom.

(Linda wailing)

Should we sneak out?

Yes.

Here we go, sneaking out.

Both: Sneak... sneak, sneak, sneak.

Ugh.

Aw, nuts!

Linda: I don't know what went wrong.

I thought I could sell anything.

I really thought I'd get my dream.

Dreams are dumb! They ruin your life!

What? Tell me about it!

I'll never be the Royal Baby.

Can I finish my dinner in my room?

Uh, sure.

(groaning)

(Linda sighs)

I guess I'll go talk to her.

No, Lin, you're still sad about your shoes.

I'll-I'll go.

All right.

(crying)

Uh, Tina, can, uh, can we talk?

Still got that spaghetti, huh?

Yeah.

That's good.

We'll wash the sheets later.

Okay.

Look... you are obviously upset.

I-is... is it about your puberty show?

Kinda.

You want to tell me about it?

Okay, but if I tell you then I'm telling you another kid's secret.

Do you swear not to tell?

I think so... as long as it's not... m*rder.

It's not.

Good.

Well, there was gonna be 45 minutes of spin the bottle at Jocelyn's party...

Okay... but I got uninvited because now I'm Mona Nucleosis, the face of anti-kissing!

Oh, uh, that sounds bad, yeah.

And Mr. Frond told me I could be the new permanent soloist, but if I do the show tomorrow no one will ever want to kiss me ever again.

Okay, first of all, people will want to kiss you again, Tina.

Really?

Yup. Boys?

Yup.

Huh. What do they look like?

I-it's a hypothetical, it's...

Tan?

Yes, they're tan boys.

But not like that orange-y self-tan.

Nope. Anyway, I know puberty positivity is important to you and that's good but if doing this play is making you say something you don't believe in, then maybe, you shouldn't do it.

Even if I said I would?

Yeah, because whether you kiss anyone or not, you're in charge of your own... mouth.

Who you kiss with it and what you say with it.

And, Tina?

Are you gonna say you have to tell on Jocelyn's party?

No, I was going to ask you if you wanted me to get you a handful of ice cream.

(students chattering quietly)

Frond: All right, places, everyone.

I'll see you on the other side.

(to self): It's my mouth. It's my mouth.

It's my mouth.

Okay, everybody, let's do this thing.

Just be advised I've made some changes to the end of the show, try to keep up.

There's our cue, let's go.

Oh, no! I am afraid this student, Mona, is dying.

Dying from mononucleosis.

Nurse, I need you to write something down.

Yes, Doctor?

(mouthing)

Darryl: Kissing is really dangerous.

♪ Well... ♪

Wait, Doctor!

Um, uh, yes, Mona?

I feel better.

Oh. Hey!

Because mono would really only cause death in someone very old, very young, or someone who had a compromised immune system. I looked it up.

Okay...

(whispering): Tina, if you don't stick to the script, the only thing you'll be kissing is permanent soloist good-bye.

I've made up my mind, Mr. Frond.

Kissing isn't dangerous, but misinformation is.

♪ Well... ♪

Wait!

Darryl, do you have mono?

Uh, no.

(smooches)

Whoa!

(audience gasping)

There, see?

Nobody d*ed... and nobody's going to die.

I mean, we all will, eventually, but probably not today and probably not from mono.

Kissing is one of the great parts of life, like dancing.

Yeah!

Or rainy days.

Or those croissants Meryl Streep made in that movie.

We don't have to not kiss.

We just have to smart kiss... and now, I am going to kiss everyone in this row...

Do what?!

Tina, no! No, no, Tina!

♪ Well ♪
♪ I don't know much about huggin' and a-kissin'... ♪

You were good in that play, Tina.

Thanks.

And if you want, you can come to my party.

You know, I'll probably have to weigh my options.

Okay, I'm in.

Linda: Unbelievable!

Bob, look at this.

That's your... Wine Shoe.

Some company stole my idea!

Booze Shoes.

Our best selling novelty wine holder for five years running.

Oh.

Huh, they stole your idea before you had it.

Or another way of saying that is you stole it from them.

I didn't.

I thought of it.

Well, then look on the bright side, Lin, you came up with an idea that people clearly want to buy.

Yeah, you're right.

(gasps) I just got another idea.

Talk to me.

Candle Sandals. You take a sandal. You cut a hole in it, you put a candle in it.

That... rhymes.

Done, million dollars, done.

It's genius.

Et voila.

Gene, go online and order a thousand sandals and a thousand candles.

On it.

No.

Oh, excuse me, Jennifer Love Gorgeous.

Are you lost?

The set of whatever movie you're working on is down the street.

Mom, it's me, Tina.

(gasps) Wha-what?

I'm just dressed up because I'm going to Jocelyn's birthday party.

Just a regular old birthday party, nothing special.

Right, Dad?

Right, Tina.

Have fun at your regular birthday party.

Okay, bye.

What was that about?

They're gonna play spin the bottle.

Oh. Oh!

Aww.

What's spin the bottle?

Can we play?

Yeah.

That would be weird.

♪ ♪

Mm-hmm... checking the wind.

Floor is tilted one degree...

Oh, my God, Tina, go!

My mom's gonna be back in 37 minutes.

Okay.

Here we go.

("Just What I Needed" by The Cars plays)

♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
♪ Just what I needed ♪
♪ I needed someone to feed ♪
♪ I guess you're just what I needed ♪
♪ Just what I needed ♪
♪ I needed someone to bleed... ♪
♪ I don't mind... ♪