03x07 - Am-Ish

[bunniefuu]

♪

Gentlemen, welcome to my universe.

♪

Whoa!

Oh, holy sh*t.

♪

It's a feast for the eyes and a veritable buffet for the d*ck.

Oh, good. My d*ck is starving.

So get into it 'cause tonight, you're my guests here.

Enjoy some women, do some dr*gs.

Nothing's off-limits.

So, hey, man, have you been able to talk to ghosts your whole life or is it like a...

Except for that.

We don't talk about that in public.

Oh, yeah, right. No, me neither.

That's... that's gross.

Come on, man! Don't be weird!

I'm being totally weird.

So, Danny, now, I've been following you for a long time, uh, not stalking you, obviously, but following you on Instagram, and, uh, I've noticed that all of these parties have orgies taking place.

Do you know, kind of, when that tends to happen or...

Orgies, uh, are like an avalanche.

You can't force them.

You just gotta let them happen naturally.

Although... hang on, they... they do make avalanches happen, right?

They light the dynamite and throw it off the helicopter.

Hey, man, could you take your shoes off?

Yeah! I'm so sorry.

Oh, sh*t...

Nah, you're cool, man.

Just this little bitch.

Hey, Danny.

Oh, excuse me, gentlemen.

I gotta let these ladies use my d*ck as a coke mirror.

Sure, sure, sure.

But enjoy yourself.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Thank you, Danny Poker!

Man, I can't f*cking believe we're at a Danny Poker party.

I know, I know, right?

It is, uh... it's very arousing.

Hey. Really, dude?

Come on.

Don't listen to him.

He doesn't see what I see, sweet stuff.

You caught my eye from across the room.

I want you in my mouth.

I'm ready, are you? sh*t!

Ah, what happened to the chocolate?

Don't worry. Just a blown fuse.

Don't let your pussies dry up.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

[snaps fingers] Get out.

Suck face in the toilet.

Yeah, go suck toilet.

What were you two even doing in here?

What was... what was going on?

You saw that piece-of-sh*t ghost, right?

Yeah, I did. But are you testing me or are we allowed to talk about ghosts now?

That guy shows up at all my parties, turns off all the g*dd*mn electricity like some sort of Ret*rded Thomas Edison.

f*cking ghosts, right?

I mean, you can't live with them 'cause technically they're not alive, and I could totally live without them, so I guess I don't really have a point.

I mean, how am I gonna bounce that guy, right?

I mean, if anybody sees me talking to a ghost, like, they're gonna know why I'm so good at cards.

Yeah, that would suck.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I could talk to him.

Seriously?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Getting rid of ghosts is kind of my thing.

♪

[chuckles]

♪

Whoo! Yes.

Hey-o!

Hello, my name is Pac. Yes, I can see you.

Unfortunately, this is a private event, so I'm gonna have to politely ask you to get the f*ck out.

I'd be more than happy to leave this Sodom and Gomorrah.

Good.

Just as long as he leaves, too.

That is my son Elijah.

He left for Rumspringa about a year ago and now it is time for him to come back to the Amish community.

Okay, what if he doesn't want to?

He does.

You see, I have six daughters.

Wow.

Elijah is my only son.

He's the family's only hope to continue the bloodline.

He just needs a friendly reminder.

That's where I come in.

All right, consider it done.

You can go.

How can I "consider it done" if you haven't done it yet?

No, no, I mean it... I'm going to do it.

It's as good as done.

I'll just wait until you do it.

Dude, it's a f*cking figment of speech.

Will you get on with it?

Oh, my God!

Yes, I will.

[clears throat]

Hey, Elijah? Got some coke there, huh?

Yeah, man.

Okay, my name is Pac and I'm a medium.

And the ghost of your father is here.

He wants you to put an end to all this and wrap up your Ramstinger.

Rumspringa.

Roomstinger.

My dad's really here?

Yes, really.

He's standing right here with us.

f*ck you, Dad!

No, uh, he's actually over here.

f*ck you, Dad!

This is the life I want to lead!

Not... not that life of cow sh*t!

Tell him that Hannah's husband has d*ed.

Who's Hannah?

Wait, Hannah?

What about Hannah?

As children, they played double Dutch every night after dinner.

That's sweet.

She grew to be a full-bodied, sturdy woman...

Mm. with long hair and strong legs and good milking hands.

Yeah, I can see why anyone would like that.

All the other men in the village are married off.

He'd literally be the only one left she could marry.

What's he saying?

Uh, he's saying that Hannah's husband dropped dead.

R-really?

Really. If you go back now, all the fresh milk you can handle.

[glass clinks]

Fine.

Excellent. Good. Yeah.

Okay, and now you can consider it done and go into your light. Is it this one?

I don't trust Elijah will make it out of this devil's playground on his own.

What are you talking about? He's fine. Look at him.

You must escort him home.

Come on, man! You're ruining my night!

All I wanna do is have my way with that chocolate fountain for a few half hours!

Okay, f*ck. Fine, fine. Yes, I'll go.

[people cheering]

Wait for me, my sweet.

♪

You've got this, man.

Now, I know chicks can be intimidating, but you just gotta be aggressive, bro.

Chicks love aggression!

Are you equipped to give dating advice?

No, not really.

Ooh, I'm starving. Are we gonna eat?

Hey, guys.

[gasps] Elijah!

Ta-da!

Hi, guys.

The "prodigidal" son returns.

Hi.

Not me... him. Big huggers, huh?

That's nice.

Hi.

Super sweet, but I got a big party to get back to, so let's wrap it up.

Last one.

Hi!

Um, guys, this is Pac.

Hello.

He's from a West Coast community.

Hi.

He... he rides the short wagon around town.

Ah.

Hold on a second, did you just introduce me as Ret*rded?

♪

Did you? Um... [chuckles]

♪

Hi.

Who the f*ck is that?

Elijah, language!

Sorry.

I'm still cleansing the mouth palate.

Who is that?

Oh, that's Jebediah Klopfenstein, a recent transfer from a community in Pennsylvania.

sh*t.

Hannah seems to like him.

What's not to like?

He's a paragon of Amish culture, pure as the day is long.

Never even taken a Rumspringa.

That's f*cking insane!

Elijah!

Sorry.

I thought my dumb dad said she wouldn't have any f*cking suitors.

Well, he did.

I can't compete with Amish Seann William Scott.

Oh, yeah. Nailed it.

♪

Hey, listen, listen, listen to me.

Okay, so he's a bona fide bohunk times 10.

Okay, so what? So are we, right?

Plus, think about your odds. They're still pretty good.

There's only one other guy and he's a f*cking transfer.

You were her double Dutch partner, man.

Come on, show her the ropes.

Show her the ropes, jump her in.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Come on! Let's go.

Come on.

All right.

♪

Hey, hey, get the f*ck out there.

Come on, go. Go, go, go, go.

f*ck!

Just wipe it off casually, man.

Just... this doesn't need to be a disaster.

Yes.

Okay.

Bailamos.

Hi. Hi, Hannah.

Elijah!

Oh, it's been so long!

Yes! Um, may I have this dance?

Um, actually...

♪

Bring her back. Bring her back to her childhood, yeah!

♪ ♪

Amish Style.

Amish Style.

[squishes]

f*ck!

Hey, you ladies ever been with an Indian Jew before?

Eh, your loss.

Excuse me, ladies.

You wanna do a group sh*t here and get the group party started, if you know what I mean?

[squeaks]

I don't know what you mean.

All right, well, why don't I start the avalanche?

Pour whatever kind of booze you wanna drink in there and I'll swallow whatever it is you give me.

♪

Uh-oh! Oh, no!

My tongue is stuck. Aw, man!

Hey, can one of you just lick right here?

Kind of get it loose. If you both do it, it will happen a lot quicker.

N-no?

Perv.

Don't leave me here... ow, my tongue!

Ah, f*ck. I thought that was gonna work.

Damn it!

[ringtone plays]

Pac, come on, man! You had to call now?

I was about to get an orgy started with, like, so many chicks.

Oh, that's so many rad, Clyde.

Listen, I need you to find everything you can about a guy named Jebediah Klopfenstein.

He's a legit hunk-asaurus, so maybe type that into your search.

Does that have anything to do with a ghost case?

Yeah, of course it's for the ghost case, man.

I'm just... I'm trying to get back to the party, okay?

Bro, you've gotta get a smartphone, okay?

You need to be able to look that stuff up yourself.

I know. I just... I like my flip phone.

It makes hanging up feel more urgent, you know?

[goat bleats]

[sighs]

Hey.

Hey, man.

At least we tried.

I just don't belong here.

What? No, no, no, no. No, no, Elijah.

I don't know. You can't give up, okay?

And not just because I wanna go eat a chocolate fountain, but because, I gotta tell you, there's something fishy about that Jebediah guy.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

Didn't your sister say he never went on his Ramstein or whatever?

Yeah.

So how the f*ck could he possibly know that dance?

Am I right?

He's a f*cking phony!

He's a f*cking phony!

Okay, even if that's true, how do we prove it?

Dude, I can't be the ret*rd and the mastermind, okay?

It's too much for me to handle.

There's only one way.

Your father says there's only...

That assh*le's still here?

Yeah, that assh*le is still here.

f*ck you, Dad!

No, he... he's actually over here.

[scoffs] Whatever.

No, not "whatever," okay?

His unfinished business is you.

He's not going anywhere because you are the most important f*cking thing to him.

He never said that to me.

Well, he's trying to right now in a really weird, roundabout way.

So why don't we hear the clingy old fucker out?

All right.

Yeah?

Does he have a white glove?

♪

Jebediah Klopfenstein!

I challenge you to an Amish-Off!

Bitch.

What was that?

Um, nothing.

[goat bleats]

Because I am the most bearded Amish man in this community, it is my duty and honor to judge the age-old tradition, the Amish-Off.

My beard is longer.

I should be judging this Amish-Off and you know it.

Ooh, intense.

[crying]

Well, now that that is settled, we may commence with the competition.

Two men enter, two men leave, but one man will feel a little bad about himself and be less impressive to the opposite sex.

So, without further ado, one, two, three, Amish-Off!

Yeah!

Elijah, Elijah, Elijah!

Elijah!

Go!

Come on!

Put your body weight into it.

♪

k*ll him!

Time's up.

[groans]

Unh!

Whoo!

[wrench clangs]

Time's up.

♪

Go!

How hard is it to peel a potato, man?

Noink.

Come on!

Come on, peel.

Time's up.

[applause]

[flute whistling]

[buzzing]

Hey.

You know that Jebediah Klopfenstein you were asking me about?

Yeah.

Well, turns out Jebediah Klopfenstein's not even his real name.

His real name is Jedediah Klopfenstein.

I didn't hear any difference there, so...

Jedediah. There's a "D" in there.

He created this alias so he can throw his "D" all over the Amish community.

Yes, Clyde! You just cracked the whole case wide open, man.

Text me everything you have on him.

Will do.

So, uh, on another note, how is the party going?

Uh, I assume by that you mean how's your chocolate fountain?

Indeed, I do.

Still flowing.

Uh, yes.

I knew it would be, Clyde. I just... I knew it would be.

Okay, bye.

[phone chimes]

Something else is flowing right here.

♪

Dude, dude, what are you doing?

This is my wife.

Cool.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Could you go away from us, please?

All right. Geez, sorry.

I thought the avalanche was starting.

♪

[camera clicks]

♪

[grunting]

Time's up.

Ah, f*ck it!

You win.

Whoo!

Yeah! [laughs]

Ooh!

Ooh! [laughs]

You're so crazy!

[phone buzzing]

♪ Hey ♪
♪ You don't want none of that, none of that ♪
♪ Hey, you don't want none of that ♪♪

What is that sound?

I, uh, haven't a clue.

Appears to be coming from your pocket.

Hannah!

[gasps]

That's not mine!

Oh, no?

♪

[snaps]

Oh, sh*t!

I just popped my suspenders.

[groans] That's funny... because I just dialed the number of one Jedediah Klopfenstein.

Bam!

See, that's not me.

That's got a "D" in it.

Yeah, well, the "D" is in your mouth now, buddy.

The jig is up.

That's right, everybody.

I'm not West Coast Amish.

I'm also not Ret*rded.

[gasps]

I wanted to clear that up earlier, but I wanted to find the right time.

I'm just a regular guy who talks to ghosts who happens to have just saved the purity of your bloodline.

Uh, wait. You talk to ghosts?

Yeah, that's not important.

It's... sh*t. It's a force of habit.

I'm sorry. I'm always explaining that sh*t.

Just forget about that part. All you need to know is that with my technological savvy and Elijah's bravery, we just saved sweet Hannah from this despicable piece-of-sh*t predator.

Noink. This yuck-mouthed, dancing, douchebag imposter goes all across the country infiltrating Amish communities, tricking girl after girl after girl after girl.

Holy sh*t, how many hot Amish girls are there?

You bang all these chicks?

Should I become Amish?

Pac!

Huh? Yeah, look. Here, see for yourself.

Unh!

Ooh... ew!

Take him away.

[grunts]

Gently, of course.

We don't believe in v*olence.

[phone beeps]

So, um, would you get a cider with me?

I thought you'd never ask.

[groans]

Thank you...

Hey.

For your help, Pac.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

You can just... you can go.

Yeah, yeah, will do.

What's going on? What... why are you still here?

Just leave already!

I don't know.

Something's wrong.

Elijah and Hannah have stolen a carriage!

Oh, sh*t. I know exactly where they're going.

Vegas.

What?

They asked if the horse had enough hay in him to make it to Manhattan!

Well, that was my next guess.

♪

Hey, ladies.

Hey, handsome head.

Hello.

You wanna find a bedroom with me?

Interesting.

Mm.

For one-on-one sex?

Yeah.

How old-fashioned.

Whoa! Um, I'm not complaining, but that was a little violent.

♪

Oh.

You're making me your little prisoner, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I like that.

Waterboard me. Just kidding.

Seriously, don't waterboard me.

Okay.

[moans]

Don't stop. I really like this.

I really do.

[retches]

What the f*ck?! Oh, f*ck!

f*ck, I can't even see!

I mean, I guess I can. I just... I don't wanna open my eyes!

[whines] f*ck.

Okay. Wait, a little more.

[clears throat]

Dude, I'm f*cking handling this, okay?

You gotta vanish.

My new friend can't see you here.

Get out. Get out of here.

Aw!

All right, fine!

[people cheering]

Dude! Dude, what the hell?

You got what you wanted. You got the dream girl, right?

You got high standing in your f*cking community or whatever.

What... what are you doing here?

Dude, this was all her.

Oh, it was all her?

You expect me to believe that sh*t?

[coughing]

When Elijah told me of the wonders he saw in the world, I realized I can't settle down without experiencing Rumspringa.

Ugh.

I don't want her to have any regrets after we're married.

So you brought her here? Dude, this is where regrets come to get f*cking pregnant, okay?

You gotta hit that blunt once or twice, take her home, get out of here.

No, we're going home.

Good. f*cking great.

Go now.

As soon as we experience the life-altering event that everyone around here keeps talking about called, um, Danny's Poker Orgy.

Oh, God, I hate that idea so hard.

Sounds exciting!

No, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah.

No. Come on, man, you can't be cool with this!

Dude, I'm sorry, Pac. I...

I think we'll look back on this someday and laugh.

I don't think so.

Pac, no! Stop them!

I'm trying! They're so horny and young.

[squirting]

Nice sh*t, Josh!

[laughing]

You ready to go home?

Yep.

Okay.

Good choice, good choice.

Yeah, yeah. Skedaddle.

Come, Hannah.

Okay!

There. Well, looks like your son is officially done with his Rimjobba.

I wanna thank you for all your help today, Pac.

You know, I hope you learned something today about the Amish people.

We're not just ring bologna...

Oh, my God, shut your face! Shut up your face and just f*cking leave already, okay?

I didn't learn anything. I never do.

I just wanted to try the g*dd*mn chocolate fountain!

Hey, anybody got a larger-than-an-eight-gauge butt plug?

Oh, I can't wait to get out of this den of iniquity!

[gasps] Oh!

[electricity buzzing]

It's what I do.

Thank you.

Ah, f*ck!

[sighs]

Hey, guy!

Let's keep the fountain for another hour for my brother.

[giggles]

[slurping]

Now, this is the room where the magic happens.

But when I'm not doing card tricks, I like to have orgies in here.

Oh, hello, ladies.

Oh.

Toss me a towel. Should be fun.

You know what? Let's, uh... let's use the backup orgy room, all right?

Come back, come back, come back, come back!

It's really not as bad as it looks, I promise.

Avalanche.

f*ck you!

♪

Amish Style!