01x20 - Jimmy's 50th, Again

[bunniefuu]

Go ahead, order anything you want. It's on the house!

Because you are the house.

That's right, I'm the house, baby.

Look at us.

Yeah, it's been two months, and you still get a kick out of me.

We'll see how I'm feeling at three.

(laughs)

(Gerald clears his throat)

Yes, son?

Ooh, nice jacket.

Mm-hmm.

Dressin' for successin'.

Rhymin' like a...

I don't have it.

Anyway, we need to talk about birthday party.

(gasps) Oh, Gerald.

I had no idea.

How old are you turning? Wait, no, no, no, no.

Don't tell me. I'm great at this.

Uh...

(laughs)

Ooh.

Taking a while.

Forget it. You know what?

Your unusual man-boy quality is making it impossible.

I know, right? Look it.

He-he's got a baby face, yet a 5:00 shadow.

Mm-hmm.

That's it. Man, boy, man, boy, man...

Oh! Yeah, this is fun.

Yeah, but it's actually not my birthday.

It's my dad's.

On Saturday, he's turning...

50, 50.

(gasps)

Guilty. Big five-O.

It's a big one.

Wait, it is your 50th birthday?

Mm-hmm Why didn't you tell...?

(phone ringing)

Oh, wait, sorry.

Hello?

Oh, wait, it's the woman Olivia Pope is based off of.

Excuse me, I have to take it.

Hi, Judy. How can I help?

I'm confused.

Oh, that's Kerry Washington's character on Scandal.

Yeah, thank you. Uh, no.

Aren't you turning 51?

You know who's 50? Robert Downey Jr.

And he pulls the "Jr." off like it's nothing.

You know who's 51?

The guy who voices Gollum, Wanda Sykes, Bernie Sanders.

I'm just getting used to being 50.

I'm not ready to be fifty...

Babe?

What, babe?

I am throwing you a 50th birthday party to end all parties.

No.

It is not up for discussion.

I'll come back to plan, but first I got to go meet Jada for sushi.

Okay. Mm!

Bye, Gerald.

Bye, Catherine.

Jada Pinkett Smith.

Do all fancy black women know each other?

Pretty much.

You two are right on the line right about now.

How long have you been sitting there?

Long enough to hear you're having a 50th birthday party, which confused me, because didn't we do that a year ago?

But you didn't know me back then, so now I get to go.

Yeah. At least this time, we can do it without that hairy donut on your face.

Oh, come on, that goatee looked good and you know it.

Yeah, it did.

You totally pulled it off.

Play "Happy Birthday."

(jazzy instrumental plays)

Morning, sexy.

Hi.

Is today your birthday?

It is.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Steven ♪

♪ It's Jimmy Really? ♪

Oh, I could've sworn...

Yeah, it's okay, Katie, sometimes...

Rachel.

Right.

Yes.

Names.

♪

Thanks for coming down.

I'm always here.

My boyfriend's out of town playing a gig this weekend.

Oh.

Oh, a "gig" is another word for a concert.

And I know that because my boyfriend is in the biz.

The "biz" meaning the music bus...

We get it... your boyfriend's a musician.

Okay, so this is what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking we have a big blowout here at the restaurant.

Shotgun, dessert! I call dessert. Dibs! No backsies!

Ah, ah, I got dessert.

Sorry, I thought dessert was gonna go quick.

No, no, this is exciting. It's exciting.

So let's plan the party for maybe...

Jimmy: Hey, hey, hey.

What are you three doing hanging around here for...?

Are you guys planning a party for me?

If so, don't, 'cause last year was a hot mess.

Now, if you want to celebrate me... and I understand the draw... then a nice family dinner would hit the spot.

Shotgun, dessert!

You're doing dessert. No one else wants it.

Okay.

Catherine: Okay, family dinner.

Well, I know Florida's not right around the corner, but what do you think... maybe we should invite your dad?

Oh...

That's not necessary. He's a busy man.

I-I'd never ask him to come all the way out here for a silly birthday party.

Great news, I convinced my dad to fly out for my big birthday party.

You have a dad?

I always just imagined he hatched from a leather egg.

Aw, man, we wore the same beard to work.

(laughs)

Ooh!

What is going on with that thing?

I feel like there's less there than there was yesterday.

Can't believe it... my dad's gonna finally see my restaurant.

You guys are gonna love Jack Martino.

I mean, if I was ever gonna be a dad, I'd want to be a dad just like him.

But it's totally hypothetical, 'cause I'm never gonna have a son, right?

(shudders, chuckles)

Okay, once we send in our application, if it's approved, CoParentPro will be available on the App Store.

Ah, we're gonna be like Shazam!

Yeah, if God is good, we'll be like Shazam.

Yeah.

All right, all I got to do is hit send.

I can't do it.

You do it. Do it?

Nah, I can't do it.

Do it.

Just do it.

I have bad juju.

Edie, you do it.

Press send.

Ooh, let's do this.

Ah, go for it.

Ah, okay.

Send.

(computer chimes)

Ah, yes!

Ah, yay!

Good job, bobo.

Oh, man.

Who would've ever thought the three of us would end up here?

Listen, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but you can buy this exact phone on the Internet for, like, 50 bucks less.

Comes with a free case, so I mean, do you what you want, but don't be an idiot.

♪

My baby mama, Vanessa.

We were on the same cell phone sales force for over a year.

And then one fateful night, I caught her at her absolute lowest point.

Yeah.

Four hard lemonades and one defective organic condom later, and booyah!

I'm a 24-year-old cell phone salesman with a half-Cuban baby that looks nothing like me.

It's a tale as old as time.

I mean, she says we're just friends raising a kid together, but I think we both know what that means, don't we?

I'll just go to the mall.

All right.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

Are you hungry?

Ah, nah.

I just had a huge sandwich for lunch.

It was like the size of my arm... you should've seen it!

Oh, I would've loved to have seen that sandwich.

You maybe want to eat dinner with me tonight?

Sure. Will your mom watch Edie?

Yeah, yeah, she's just gonna stay in and hang out with her friends.

Oh, you mean those weird divorced ladies she's always with?

(chuckles) Yeah.

They're the worst.

Yeah.

And then she said she'd come.

(all cheer) I knew it! I knew it!

Thank you, guys.

Man, see, this is why you're my best friends.

Oh, sweetie, this is so great.

Not that you just called Anna, Deb and Marsha your best friends, but the part about Vanessa!

Thanks.

So, any tips for tonight or...?

Wear the olive-green turtleneck I knit you.

Let your neck be a sexy surprise for later.

Yes, you will look like Javier Bardem in that turtleneck!

Yeah, really?

Oh, absolutely, yeah. You should grow bangs.

You know, sometimes I wonder like, maybe I should have some friends my own age and gender giving me dating advice, or like a real male influence.

Then you guys hit me with that Bardem turtleneck rec and I realized I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Thanks, guys.

It takes a village, ladies. Mm-hmm.

Takes a village. (sighs)

Annelise. Does this table look ok?

I mean, are the forks crooked?

I just...

And would you describe these candles as moss green?

Because his eyes are moss green, and obviously...

Catherine, I saw you give a TED Talk to 5,000 people.

This candle business is beneath you.

I know, I just... I really want tonight to be perfect.

Can I tell you something stupid?

If you must, but, to be honest, my days are filled with hearing stupid things, and I was hoping a woman of your stature would...

I am so into Jimmy.

Ah, damn it. No, check that.

I am more than into him.

I... am falling in...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, before you complete that sentence, you might want to pump the brakes a few times.

I don't. When it comes to men, I always pump the brakes.

That's what I do: I run a Fortune 500 company, I buy yachts, and I pump, pump, pump those damn brakes.

"Yachts" with an S? Like, multiple yachts?

Tonight, I am gonna gather up some liquid courage, make a toast, and tell him that I love him.

I cannot believe I bought your book.

Look, no-no matter what happens, I can promise you one thing: this party will be better than last year's.

(Catherine chuckles)

♪ Bang bang into the room ♪

♪ I know you want it ♪

♪ Bang bang all over you ♪

♪ I'll let you have it ♪

♪ Wait a minute ♪

♪ Let me take you there... ♪

(chuckles) The problem with sitcoms nowadays is that the dads are so ugly.

Who wants a kiss?

Now this, this is a party.

You got balloons, you got a vodka luge, Alan Thicke...

How'd Alan Thicke get in?

Dad, you made it!

♪ ...hold her hand in school ♪

♪ But I'm-a show you how to graduate... ♪

What do you think?

This the restaurant?

Yeah, it's my baby.

A few windows might be nice.

But I guess the kids all like it dim nowadays.

Yeah.

Who are all these people?

Oh, just 75 of my closest friends.

All these 20-year-old girls, these... these are your closest friends?

(laughing): Yeah, what do you think?

Oh, here. Here, try this.

Meatball marinara, like we like.

Mmm, yeah.

How is it?

Yech.

You didn't get your mother's sauce, but you got her legs.

Uh, you're right.

There's something wrong with this sauce!

And he-he's right, there's not enough light in this place!

Turn some lights on! The place looks horrible.

The place looks beautiful. (laughs)

Are those candles the exact color of my eyes?

I don't know, are they?

(both laugh)

Oh, hey, guys, I'm gonna join you in just a second.

I got to keep working on those crème brûlées.

(chuckles) Kook.

Okay, um, everyone, I'd like to say a few words.

Gerald: Holy crap.

Our app just got approved.

CoParentPro is now in the App Store, and 15 people have already downloaded it.

Jimmy: Wow!

Yay! Congratulations!

I'll tell him later.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Jimmy: Hey, hey, hey, you horndogs.

Class it up a little bit, act like you've been in a nice restaurant before.

And that is why you never go ice-staking after eating Chinese.

Yeah. (chuckles)

You okay, G?

You're sweating.

No, I'm fine.

Yeah, it's just sort of, like, an unexpectedly long way to walk in a wool turtleneck.

Ooh, breadsticks.

Yeah.

One for the road.

Vanessa?

Tad?

Tad (chuckles): I thought I was never gonna see you again after that night at the foam party.

(laughing): Oh, my God.

You remember all the foam?

Tad: It was so wet.

(Vanessa and Tad laugh)

It was great. It was...

You okay, G?

I'm fine.

You need help?

No, okay.

Okay, here.

It's so hot! Oh, God!

(chuckles)

What's up, dude? Gerald.

Hey.

How you doing? Yeah.

Pleasure.

Pleasure to meet you, man.

Yeah, yeah.

(cell phone rings)

Cool. Oh.

Uh...

It's, uh, the cell phone store. Excuse me.

Vanessa: Cool.

Hey, Derrick.

Yeah, well, I-I told him to buy it online, but I didn't say...

Come on, man, you can't just fire me...

Yeah.

Yes, I'll turn in my shirt tomorrow.

Yes, I will wash it first.

(phone beeps off)

♪

(Vanessa giggling)

This, this is where the magic happens.

So this is the room where they make the crap sauce, huh?

He looks just like Jimmy if you left him out in the sun for a couple of years.

Hey, I'm Ravi, Jimmy's head chef.

We've heard so much about you.

You talk about your family to your staff? Good God.

I bet they have a good time pretending to care about that.

(laughs) What do you do for a living, Jack?

You a, uh, insult comic?

I own a lawn mower company.

Oh, that's a...

I used to have a lawn mower.

Dad, Annelise used to have a lawn mower.

Jack: I met my wife selling her a lawn mower.

Linda, may she rest in peace.

Jimmy's mother and I were married 50 years.

What do you think, Jimmy?

You think you could hunker down for five decades with one of those playmates out there?

You had a pretty strong connection with Miss October, right, Ji...?

(sighs)

I'm gonna have another Scotch.

Bye.

He's just busting balls. He's from another time.

That's... that's how they expressed love back then.

Now I kind of wish Jimmy was born from a leather egg.

♪

(door opens)

Oh, quick, sit.

I-I'm watching the movie My Life with a pre Birdman Michael Keaton, and I'm gonna see if I can cry so hard I get abs.

Mom, I want to meet my dad.

It's time Mom, I need to meet him.

Gerald, uh, I've always said if you ever decided you wanted to meet your father, I would support you.

I know, and I really appreciate...

I lied.

Oh.

I am extremely against it.

Jimmy Martino is a vapid shell of a man.

Don't get me wrong, it's a stunning shell.

Yeah, God. Good for you, Mom.

Thanks, I know.

But, Gerald, beneath that shell, there's nothing there... just an abyss of emptiness and self-obsession... and I just don't want to see you get hurt.

Trust me on this.

I want to walk out dramatically to punctuate this, but I also want to see the end of the movie, so sit, sit, sit, sit. Yeah.

You all right?

You expecting a call?

Nah, not really.

Um... (clears throat)

Excuse me, everybody.

Let's try take two at this toast.

Jimmy, um...

I just wanted to tell you that...

Victor: Your brûlées are burning.

What the...? No! I set an alarm!

Oh, no, I DVR'd a PBS documentary called Alarm.

That looks good.

They're on fire.

Ugh!

Sara: Okay, uh, right, right.

I... Wait for me to come back!

I don't want to miss the speech!

(sighs)

Sorry, I feel like you keep getting interrupted.

Also, can I borrow a million dollars?

(grunts)

Another Old Fashioned, please?

Server: Sure.

Hey, Dad, isn't that good?

We make a mean Old Fashioned, huh?

Yeah. I think I'm gonna take off.

What?! You just got here.

The cake's gonna come out in five minutes.

Yeah, but I'm on Eastern time, and you have a lot of people here to keep you company.

Come to the hotel tomorrow.

We'll have lunch, catch up.

Is it that hard, Dad?

What?

I opened my restaurant.

It's successful. I'm successful.

Is it that hard to say one nice thing to me?

You're a grown man... am I supposed to hit you with a bunch of compliments?

No, but one would be nice.

I don't know what to say.

What am I supposed to be proud of?

These celebrities, who hardly know you, they're here for the free crab cakes?

Or all these women that you sleep with and never get to know their last names?

Is that what I'm supposed to be proud of?

And that you are a 50-year-old man who has to throw his own birthday party because no one else will?

You know, I make excuses for you.

Takes you two decades to come visit me, and you know what I say? I say "he can't travel."

Or "he's busy."

And when you act like a d*ck, I say "it's 'cause he's old school."

Yeah, an old-school d*ck.

Bye, Jimmy.

Yeah. Good-bye.

Hey, do me a favor.

Don't come back for another 20 years, huh?

Done!

Don't be sad.

The father-son dynamic is... complicated.

♪ Que cuando Como y donde ♪

♪ Tu siempre... ♪

Everything okay?

Yeah.

I've been waiting for my dad to call all night.

Mm.

We had a big fight at my birthday last year, and we haven't spoken since.

Why didn't you tell me?

Vanity.

I'm not well, Catherine.

You should know that.

Also, I'm 51 today.

Not 50.

What?!

Mm-hmm.

Still get a kick out of me?

Mm...

Yeah, of course I do.

I really do, Jimmy.

In fact, tonight, at this party...

I wanted to celebrate your birthday, of course, but...

I also really wanted to tell you something...

(crashing, clattering)

Sara: Damn it!

What the hell's going on out here?

Sara: Hey, guys...

So, these didn't turn out exactly as I had hoped.

But I think if you scrape off the burnt top layer and don't eat the uncooked bottom layer, that the middle is... decent.

(scoffs) It's okay.

We have plenty of desserts in the fridge. Ravi...

No! No, no, no! It's not about the dessert, it's about what the dessert represents.

Beneath the caramel shell, there are lots and lots of layers.

It was supposed to be a metaphor.

And an apology.

For what?

For telling Gerald not to find you.

I told him that you were empty inside.

And that beneath your shell, there was nothing.

But I was wrong.

Beneath your shell, you are full of a surprisingly rich, creamy, custard, and we're all better for having eaten it.

Oh! This is getting away from me.

(sighs)

What I'm trying to say is...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I kept the two of you apart for so long.

So... these crème brûlées... are me?

They were supposed to be.

(whispers): Thank you.

(Sara laughs)

I'm gonna... pump the brakes.

I think this is gonna taste really good, you know, once, uh... once I cut... through.

Hey, some Russian model is asking after you?

Nastasia or Nastaya or Nastenka?

That doesn't really help... I know a Nastasia, a Nastaya and a Nastenka.

(groans)

I think my life is empty.

Think my dad's right.

Jimmy... look, it doesn't matter what your dad thinks.

And it doesn't matter what I think.

It only matters what you think.

But why-why don't you just tell me what you think, to guide what I should think.

I think you should shave that goatee.

Just because you can pull it off, doesn't mean you should.

(Sufjan Stevens' "Should Have Known Better" intro begins)

♪ Should have known better ♪

♪ To see what I could see ♪

♪ My black shroud ♪

♪ Holding down my feelings ♪

♪ A pillar for my enemies ♪

♪

♪ I should have wrote a letter ♪

♪ And grieve what I happen to grieve ♪

♪ My black shroud ♪

♪ I never trust my feelings ♪

♪ I waited for the remedy ♪

♪ When I was three ♪

♪ Three, maybe four ♪

♪ She left us at that video store ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, oh... Jimmy, try this. ♪

Gluten-free pappardelle.

Mmm. Ravi, delicious. What's the secret?

Gluten. Tons of gluten.

It's basically nothing but gluten.

Hi.

Hey. Kid, we're closed.

Uh, my name's Gerald.

I have... something pretty important to tell you.

Hey, Dad... uh, I got something pretty important to tell you.

Oh, yeah? What?

(laughing)

Wanted you to be the first to know that I'm gonna propose to Vanessa.

You are?

I love her.

And I know that it's fast and I...

I know you think it's probably...

It doesn't matter what I think.

It matters what you think.

Can you at least tell me what you think to sort of guide me on what to think?

I think it's incredible.

Yeah?

Congratulations.

(phone ringing)

Oh! My dad!

Oh! Good!

Hey, Dad!

Who's this?

♪ Oh, be my rest ♪

♪ Be my fantasy... ♪

I see.

Yeah...

I understand.

♪ Oh, be my rest, be my fantasy. ♪

Y-Yeah, yeah.

My dad d*ed.

What?

Hey, guys, great news!

If you chip off the ash, the crème brûlée's really not half bad.

(laughing): Geez, who d*ed?