01x06 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Man: Why did they stay at a B&B??

Woman: It was a nice B&B.

I thought the mission was that he had to get to Fort Lauderdale to get his job back in a blaze of glory.

Yeah, but the wife didn't know that.

She likes B&Bs. It was a really nice B&B.

What kind of people would stay at a place run by a pedophile?

Plot twist... they didn't know that.

That Russian girl was 16.

Yeah, but they assumed that the old guy was interested in the mom.

Are you almost done with him? I want my turn.

Yeah. I'm about halfway through.

♪
♪ He's my brother she's my sister: another drink ♪
♪ She's looking pretty now ♪
♪ My feet, they stumble, will I be falling down? ♪
♪ All of a sudden ♪
♪ I feel like talking to everyone ♪
♪ But tell me when did my anxieties all go ♪
♪ Am I a fool? I do not care or know ♪
♪ You see, I'm just a product of... ♪

[Fire alarm beeping]

[Groans] Damn it. Ah-ha!

[Beeping stops, magazine thuds]

God.

I've got such a headache.

That makes two of us.

The only thing helping me is this sweet tea.

I swear I'm addicted to it.

My lord! [Chuckles]

What... what is happening in here?

We wanted to say "thank you," so we cooked for you.

[Laughs]

And at what ungodly temperature did we cook these eggs?

Um, the temperature you cook eggs at... high.

Ah, yeah, really hot.

[Chuckles] Yes, well, that is not cooking, Nate.

That is an egg-secution. [Chuckles]

Hey, before we leave...

Yes?

I wanna give you something.

No.

Yes, please. I recently became ordained.

Weird story. Um, and I wanna be the one to marry you guys.

Wait. What?!

Yeah, what?

Yeah. I think this is why I became a minister.

No, you became a minister to piss off that dude at the restaurant.

[Laughs] Oh, my Sweet Lord thundering Jesus!

Yeah, before you start crying there, Rob, we don't have time for a wedding.

All I have to do is sign a piece of paper.

W-would you have time for a little ceremony?

God, no.

It would mean the world to my little lady.

Ew!

Please, we'd be hitched by noon, I swear.

Okay. I'd be... I'd be honored to.

[Laughing]

Oh, my lord! Oh! Mwah! Mwah! Oh!

Yeah, just... uh, no, no.

Mwah!

Oh! Mwah! [Chuckles] Wait till I tell the ladies.

Okay, noon. Noon.

Oh, ladies? Ladies!

What the hell? What's that about?

I just wanna give them what we have.

What we have is 500 miles to drive.

Yeah, but we came and we disrupted their lives, and I just feel like we owe them something.

Yeah, we actually do... $230 for a night's stay.

Or how about you can support me on this?

I think it's disgusting.

Whoa! What?

The two of them together is just gross!

It should be illegal!

All right, I'm done with this.

Come with me.

Dad, help me on this!

I'm not gonna help you, you little bigot.

Let me show you something.

See that crazy old man right there?

He comes here every day...

Hey!

To protest the love in this house.

Yeah, and he's right.

Certain people just don't belong together.

Hold on.

What?

I hope this is the fever talking.

This lack of compassion and tolerance is very disappointing.

That is not the little girl I raised.

You guys are disgusting.

What was that?

I told you, we should've had more Jewish friends.

[Whispers] You never told me that.

Yeah, you suck! We're friends of the Jewish people!

We don't have any.

We've got a couple.

No, not one.

Nick is half Jewish.

Who's Nick?

Man: ♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[Music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

Vanessa, hey, it's Nate. I need to... oh, sh*t, this guy is rich.

Hey, uh, uh, I need to know if you sent that product, okay?

It's very important you call me, so pull your head out of that big mound of coke and...

[Beeps]

Hold on a sec. I think this is you.

Hello?

[Laughing]

Hello? Vanessa?

So you still coming down to Fort Lauderdale, huh, you dipshit?

Uh, Gene?

G-Gene? Uh, no, I'm not coming to Fort Lauderdale.

Why would you think that? What? [Chuckles]

Because you're still using the corporate credit card, you dummy.

Listen, Nate, I don't know why you're doing this.

I don't know if you're trying to embarrass me.

I don't know if you're trying to sell this product to another company.

Hey, man, I thought you cared about this company.

[Laughter]

Of course I care. What are you talking about, man?

I care more than anyone else.

Shh.

I put so much on the line for this!

I lied to my wife, I lied to my family because I care so g*dd*mn much.

[Laughter]

I told you he would cry, right?

You girls owe me sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts.

Am I on speakerphone?

Oh, yeah. Me and the ladies, we needed a new drinking game.

[Laughter]

So, uh, listen, I'll let you go.

You drive safe, sweetheart.

[Laughter]

No, you listen to me, sweetheart, okay?

I am coming to Fort Lauderdale, and when I get there, I am gonna find you and I am going to [Bleep] you so [Bleep] hard, you...

Mmm.

I knew you were a bad guy.

This is where I come to be bad.

I'm a good guy. [Chuckles]

Ah. Good guy, bad guy, it's all perception.

Me? I say I'm just a woman.

You say I'm exceptional woman.

I never said that.

Yes, you do. I see how you look.

No, I look. I don't say that.

Yeah, but, you know, in my village, I'm just average woman.

Like fourth most attractive sister in family.

Bullshit. Don't buy that story for a second. Okay?

Yeah.

You are, objectively, the most attractive woman in every village.

[Clicks tongue] Aw. There are no absolutes.

No, there are absolutely absolutes, okay?

Vinyl? Absolutely overrated.

Dr. Rob? Absolutely super-duper rich.

Yes.

And absolutely the best car in this garage?

Lime green 'cuda.

This American sh*t?

Point is, I'm a good guy.

Oh, no, you're a bad guy, sweetheart.

But... I keep your secret.

[Singsongy] Bad guy.

There's no secrets.

See you later, bad guy.

Bad guys don't turn that down. Okay?

[Under breath] Jesus Christ.

What are you doing?

Watching my girlfriend.

I got some bad news.

Your girlfriend's marrying that creepy old dude.

That's just her Dad.

She was kissing him.

You kiss Dad.

Not like that.

♪

[Candy rattles, bowls thuds]

I cannot tell you how excited my baby is right now.

So I'm not familiar with Jewish weddings.

Is there anything special? A request you might have?

We are far from traditionalists down here, Robin.

Just speak from the h... oh. Dagnabbit.

Oh.

Oh, god. More protestors?

Guess some folks from the church must've gotten wind of the festivities.

I'm still so shocked that that kind of anti-semitism exists down here.

Yes, well, it may not be just the Jewish thing.

Yeah, but still, they're just backwards, pigheaded philistines.

Some people have taken issue with our age difference.

Well, she could be younger. I mean, hey.

[Chuckles] Yes, well, legally, I suppose she could, but I couldn't very well push her down the aisle in a stroller.

[Laughs loudly]

Still, even my late wife... she came to me in a dream last night, told me, "it ain't right."

Listen to me.

Your dead ghost wife is wrong.

If you've been lucky enough to find love...

I have.

You have, so nothing should stop you from grabbing onto it and holding onto it forever.

[Chuckles] Oh!

Uh-oh. They're unloading the hate bus.

Protestors: [Chanting] Not in our town!

Not in our town!

The racists down here are really organized.

This makes me really, really angry.

They're gonna ruin everything. Nate, go get rid of them.

No, no, no. Deep breath. Just ignore them.

I've learned to rise above the bigotry.

Well, guess what, pal? I haven't.

♪

'Cause I'm a good guy.

Is he smoking a pipe?

Man: Get those signs up.

Bring it right back, Pedro.

Man: You wanna make god happy?

Bigots. I hate bigots.

Man: We don't approve!

Hey! Hey!

[Shouting indistinctly]

Get outta here! We're having a wedding!

Not if we have anything to say about it.

Oh, yeah?!

That's right.

Get outta here! Get outta here!

[Woman screams]

Let Carl and his young, beautiful child through!

Man: Why don't you stop doing that?!

Come on, Carl!

Get away from them!

Carl: Get away from the clown car...

Nate: It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.

You assh*le!

She shouldn't have to bear witness to your hate!

You like that?! It's the hose of justice!

The hose of just... oh.

[Stops spraying]

Well, obviously, I'm not gonna spray you.

How can you defend him?

He's a pediatrician, for god sakes.

We trusted him with our children.

Yeah, so did I, and he's got a very gentle hand.

Don't use us as propaganda!

What are you guys doing over there? Get in here.

We're on the right side!

No, you're not!

Fine, you're gonna have to spray...

Dad, I can't believe you sprayed... aah!

Protestors: Ohh!

Aah!

Get in here and get changed for the wedding.

What the hell?!

Seriously! Aah!

We've got you on camera. You're gonna regret this.

Really? Regret standing up against your ignorant prejudice?

Yeah, go ahead. Tape me.

Uh, my name is Nate Parker, and I stand for true love.

Put that on your Facebook pages.

I just did. Aah!

Dad!

Aah!

Get in!

[Accordion playing]

Although I've only officially been a minister for two days, I feel like everything happens for a reason.

And I'm so honored to stand here for love because love is right.

Thank you for that.

Congratulations.

[Plays Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" from "Lohengrin"]

Aw.

Oh.

♪

[Speaks Russian]

[Kisses]

Oh.

♪

[Sighs contentedly]

♪

Is this a Jewish custom?

[Accordion stops]

Oh!

♪

Whoo! My, my. [Clears throat]

[Laughter]

Reverend Robin, the floor is... All yours. [Chuckles]

Holy sh*t.

I don't think I can marry you.

Well, I don't wanna marry you. I-I wanna marry her.

[Men laugh]

Man: Hey, good one, Rob.

I-I can't do this 'cause she's 16.

That's right. The numerical inversion of my 61.

According to the ancient laws of Jewish mysticism, we complete each other.

Gross. Nate? Do you wanna say something?

[Lowered voice] I'm so sorry I sprayed you.

Whoa, now... now... now I'm an intuitive man.

I'm starting to get the idea that you two don't approve of this union.

Now whatever happened to, and I quote, "What is wrong with these backwards, pigheaded philistines?"

Oh, no, that's when I thought she was Jewish.

Oksana: She is Jewish.

What got to do with it? You are anti-semite?

No! I... hold... well, hold on. Is this even legal?

Well, of course it's legal.

Man: Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

[Gavel banging]

[Men shout indistinctly]

We have been debating this for far too long!

How old must a maid or a woman child be to enter the bonds of matrimony?

[Men shout indistinctly]

13!

12!

10!

[Gavel banging]

7!

Why even even put a number on it?

Because the federal elitists are suggesting 18.

[Men shout indistinctly]

No! It's our choice!

That's why I am proposing 16.

No! It's too old!

They call it lucky 7 for a reason!

Man: 14 with father's consent! Well, y'all oughta get some perspective.

Why, in Uzbekistan, girls get married at the first hint of a menstrual cycle.

Ew!

[Lowered voice] If he comes at you, punch to the throat, swift kick to the balls, okay?

This doesn't feel right.

But it is right.

Your ex-wife... she haunts you. Even she thinks this is wrong.

Oh, grow up, Robin. There's no such thing as ghosts.

Nate, can you please help me?

Technically...

He's right.

What?

Yes.

I... but you're also right. It feels... Very wrong.

Yeah.

But that is not for you to judge.

You know, if... if he wants to do this...

I do.

And she, for some reason, wants to do this...

Yes, please.

Nate: And she approves...

Yes, of course.

Then...

Well, it sounds like we just completed our vows.

Robin, let's make this official.

Somebody please object.

I object! Because I love her!

[Speaks Russian]

I know so much about you!

I know you like snack chips. I like snack chips!

You're a side sleeper. I'm a side sleeper, right?

You read a magazine on the potty.

I read my phone on the potty!

Whoa. Sounds like somebody made an unauthorized access into the eagle's nest.

Oh, now hush. Security system. It's my walls, my rules.

Mom, Dad, can she come with us?!

Oh.

Leave this old dirtbag. Come with me!

[Speaks Russian] ...Dirtbag. He wrestle bear.

Okay, well, about that...

N-Nate! Now don't you dare!

I'd like to say something.

Nate.

No.

Nate.

[Speaks Russian]

It wasn't so much a real bear as it was just...

You use creepy friend's suit?

[Giggles]

You... you hold me up to impossible standards!

Putin k*ll bear with bare hands!

Oh, with your Russian propaganda!

Svetlana, please, now don't be such a child.

[Crying]

No, that's the point. She is... she is a child!

That's the whole point!

Go get her.

I-I'm going!

Nuh-unh, pal.

Whoa! Now, now, now, now, now.

Son, son, son.

Easy.

Put down that hose...

Easy.

Young man.

What are you doing?

Dr. Rob: Think before you act.

No.

This cannot be undone.

Put it down. Put it down. Put it down.

You are aiming that.

Damn it! Give it to me! Give it to me! Let go!

Uhh!

You are a repugnant little boy!

Hey, do not talk to my son that way.

♪

You are guests... this is my wedding, for god's sake!

I can do this all day, pal.

♪

Oh, I don't know, Nate.

We can't just leave her in the grizzled hands of a predator.

Well, we can't take her either.

Why not?

Because that would be abducting her.

I know, but she's just a child, Nate.

Mm-hmm, and that's called child abduction, which is a crime, unlike what they're doing.

So you're just gonna side with him?

I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do!

You think you're saving her from beautiful life as wife of rich doctor, followed by even better life as widow of rich doctor with no heirs?

Well, there has to be more to marriage than money.

You think she gold digger?

No, I think you gold digger.

Look at you with your bracelets and that ring.

That ring. How much did you pay for that ring?

I told you. He rich doctor.

So you're marrying off your child to this guy simply because he's a doctor? This guy doctor. You marry him?

Oh. You... you a doctor?

No. No, he's not. He's not a doctor.

Well, no. I went to school for microbiology.

Mm-hmm.

That's not medical school.

I know, but I took the M.C.A.T.S.

He failed the M.C.A.T.S.

I could've passed them if I wanted to.

But you didn't.

I know, but I could have.

How?

By studying harder.

Is she coming with us or not?

[Sighs deeply] Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

You're gonna have to say your goodbyes.

But I leave here knowing that at the very least, I wasn't the one to do your bidding, because I'm a good person.

[Mouths words]

[Crying]

Oh, sh*t. Nate. The champagne. Can you drive?

Yeah.

She... she likes her drink.

[Mouths word]

Woman: ♪ She was only 16, looking for an escape ♪
♪ Turned the key in the ignition and drove away ♪
♪ And she never looked back to the... ♪

[Brakes screech]

[Thud]

Crowd: Oh!

Well, well, well, looks like we find ourselves back in Tienanmen square.

You know, for 20 years, I was ashamed of who I was, living with a woman my own age? Audrey. [Spits]

Sham of a marriage.

Finally, the old battle-a* dies. I get a chance to be myself.

Oh, what... and what is that? A-a creep?

Oh, I'm a creep?

Yeah.

'Cause I have a predilection for fine young p*ssy?

[Women gasp]

Um, yeah.

Well, sorry I'm not wired like you all, Nate.

Sorry we can't all be like you and Robin here, on the same schedule towards incontinence and diverticulitis.

No.

All right, buddy, just move out of the way.

No, frankly, I don't give a possum's dirty derriere y'all approve of these nuptials or not.

But, Robin, now you agreed to perform a ceremony.

Paperwork is done. I just need you to sign it, make it legal. Then y'all can be on your way.

Oh, no, I'm not doing that. You can't have my signature.

Sign the damn papers!

Hey, buddy, I will run you over, I swear to god.

You know how much I spent to get her to love me? 50 g's!

For what? Smelly socks and pictures of her on a balance beam.

Ohh, listen to you yourself. You bought her.

I have tried to [Bleep] American girls!

Men: Whoa!

They just won't have me!

That's it, buddy. I'm gonna run you over.

[Starts engine]

I vare you! Dairy to... Stare da haven-pertuw-lawn!

Sorry, what?

Very derst, derison.

Burtation. Derson da bison feshzerpickles!

Is he talking in tongues?

[Dr. Rob shouts indistinctly]

I think he's having a stroke.

[Shouts indistinctly]

[Grunts] Oh!

[All gasp]

I think he's stroking out.

Yeah.

You hit him.

What are you talking about? I didn't hit him.

You hit him!

No, I didn't!

We're peaceful protestors here.

He's faking.

He's fa... he's clearly faking. Get up.

[Speaks Russian] He's dying!

Too soon! Too soon! They're not married yet!

Your son... doctor. Tell him do something.

What? Oh. He's not... no, I... he's not my son.

No, but I could've been a doctor.

[Siren wails]

[Mumbling indistinctly]

[Woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.]

You know, is easy to protest.

Show up with sign, saying, "I no like! It's no right!"

But then what? But what is the solution?

What do you do about it? Send back to Russia, live in sh*t village?

I didn't think about that.

I know. Nobody thinks about it.

It's okay. It's all right. [Sighs deeply] I think.

[Inhales sharply] You take care of us now.

Yes. I can be mistress. I will wear heels for him.

Sorry. That's only solution.

Can I get you something?

A candy bar?

Svetlana: No. But I would like clothes, shelter, money for life of travel.

Cosmetic procedures.

Yeah, I don't think I can afford that.

And what if you were to impregnate me?

That's...

Who's the next of kin?

Uh, should be my daughter. They're engaged to be married.

Okay. Um, well, it looks like the internal bleeding is... they'd already be married if it wasn't for his judgmental mother.

Okay, well, he's feeling up for a visit, so you're welcome to come in and see him.

[Dr. Rob mumbling indistinctly]

[Woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.]

Okay, let's get the hell out of here.

[Door closes]

Yeah, I think we're done.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

No. I think you should marry them.

What?

Svetlana deserves a better life.

And once she gets her money problem under control, she can find me, and I can...

I can put a baby in her.

No. No, no. Don't...

No. No.

Fix that.

Nate: Never put a baby in a Russian.

Robin: No.

[Curtain rings swoosh]

Are you absolutely, like, 125% sure?

So, so sure that this is what you want?

Pozhaluysta. da.

Okay. [Sighs] And you?

[Groans]

Do you take this young, young...

[Dr. Rob groans]

God, she's so young... young, young girl...

[Groans]

To be your awfully wedded wife?

You gotta honor and cherish and obey her for the rest of your quite possibly few remaining days?

[Grunts]

So... Okay, that's a "yes."

All right, by the power vested in me and this web site, I really...

[Pen drops]

Regret joining, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride, but don't do it in front of me. Don't do it in front of me.

[Squeals]

I don't wanna see it. I don't wanna see it.

[Grunting]

[Monitor beeping rapidly]

[Grunts]

As you can see, he'll never fully recover, particularly the lower part of his body.

Well... That's good for you.

[Slurring] I can still use my tongue.

Nate?

Hi, this is Nate Parker. I'm a guest at the hotel.

Um, has... has a package arrived for me yet?

Nothing? Really? Okay. Um, can you call me if it does?

Okay, thank you. Bye.

I wanted to say thank you.

You have no idea what you have done for my daughter and me.

Told you I was a good guy.

Woman: So did you see the old dude who got married to that teenager?

Woman: I know. It's disgusting.

How much you wanna bet they're actually poisoning him?

What? No, his toxicology was clean.

I know. I had the same thing a few years ago.

They use antifreeze.

It's sweet-tasting and undetectable.

And over time, it rips the guy apart.

Who the hell poisons people?

Russians.

[Curtain rings swoosh]

No, you do. I see how you look.

Well, of course I look. I'm not that good of a guy.

I-I was just making a joke.

I know you wouldn't...

We have to go.

I know what you're thinking. I am bad guy.

No. No. I am thinking you're m*rder*r.

Am I k*lling a man or am I k*lling a monster?

You see my daughter. She is child.

You were just thanking me for doing this!

It's disgusting!

Do you know how much of that sweet tea I drank?

No, it's a small dose. It's nothing.

And man like you absorb, no problem.

Oh, now you're calling me fat?

No, you're not fat. Listen, what I'm saying is that with all the amount of secrets between us, we have only the bad parts of an affair.

We don't have the good parts.

So, um, what do you say?

One quickie? One for the road? Deal?

We'll have sex, and then I'll shut up about this?

Yes, you shut up.

And we, what, do it beside the dead guy?

Well, no talking there. We can go there or there. You choose.

You're insane.

Insane.

[Clicks tongue]

Absolutely insane!

Come back.

Bad guy, come on.

I'm a good guy.