01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Uncle Buck". Aired June 14 - July 5, 2016.
"Uncle Buck" - based on the 1989 movie of the same name - follows a fun-loving but irresponsible guy who needs a job and a place to stay. His nieces and nephew’s Nanny has just quit and his brother and sister-in-law need his help.
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01x01 - Pilot

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[Chanting "Buck, Buck"]


Give it up for Buck Russell!

And the new king of the beer can pyramids!

Thanks, Cy. [Laughs]

My friends, dreams do come true.

And I got this big-ass beer pyramid to prove it!

Hail to the King!


Aw. [Laughs]

[Cellphone rings]

[Gasps] Oh!

Everybody, quiet. It's my fiancée.

Hey, boo.

Jackie: How's the job search going?

Oh, real good.

A-A-A lot of leads, a lot of contacts.

I-It's going real good, yeah.

Oh, so you're not at the bar building a pyramid of beer cans?

That's a highly specific accusation.

Where'd you get that idea?

My queen!


I knew I smelled fabric softener.

Baby, you're supposed to be getting ready to go to the airport, not re-folding towels that Irena already folded.



And you're ironing.

So, should we go over your speech another time?

And you're working?


Hey, Mr. Russell.

Goodbye, Amy.


Alexis, you got to stop doing this.

There's multitasking and then there's meth-head-tasking.

I know, it's crazy.

But with the move and my new job, I mean, things are a little out of control around here, and I just wanted to get a handle on a few things before I leave.

You know my nickname at work, right?

The Fixer.

That's right.

There's a problem with a design, I fix it.

I'm the Michael Clayton of architects.

That's why I hired this housekeeper to help you.

But you've got to let it work.

Let The Fixer... fix it.

[Woman screaming]


Miles, Maizy, stop sh**ting Irena!

Can you guys keep it down?! We're trying to study.

Who's "we"?

What's up, Mr. and Mrs. Russell?

Okay, Fixer, fix that.

Oh, Irena, at least stay until the end of the weekend.

Will and I are both going out of town.

I can't stay here!

Your children are... t*rrorists!

What were you two thinking?

We were testing her to see if she's worthy of taking care of us.

And if we had been real t*rrorists, we'd all be d*ad by now.

Or taken hostage.

That's it.


No more CNN for you.

Now, go upstairs. You're both grounded.

Come back here, Tia.

What the hell was that boy doing in your room?

Honey, I think this is mother-daughter territory, and yelling is not gonna help.

Fine, but that was hardly yelling.

Like level two.

Titi, we're not mad at you.

But we're not fans of Jordan.

He's a senior, and he's a bit of a player.

And wasn't he the guy that drew a penis on your friend Gary's forehead?

He's actually nice. I've been tutoring him.

Tutoring means something completely different to Jordan, and I don't want him tutoring you into an early pregnancy.

I can't believe this!

First you move me from Atlanta to Chicago, away from my friends.

And now when a cool guy likes me, one that isn't in the robotics club, you decide to ruin it in the five minutes you're actually here.

This sucks!

Give her level five.

On it. You don't disrespect your mother that way.

Oh, you're grounded, too. Go to your room.


Everybody's grounded!


The world is grounded!


[Door slams]

Need anything else fixed?

Yeah. Someone to watch the kids this weekend.

What is this about?

Mnh-mnh! Mnh-mnh!

What is this about?


You said you were gonna look for a job, Buck.

I got one.

I'm the king.

Man: Someone's in here.

No one is talking to you.

Look, Buck, please, you need to listen to me.

I'm trying to listen to you, but it's hard to focus, 'cause your juicy ham got me thinking of Christmas.

[Giggles] Really? Oh, my God.


Stop it!

Look! You need to grow your ass up.

So listen to me. This is what you're gonna do.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You're gonna come to dinner tonight, and my daddy is gonna offer you a job at one of his stores... - No. I...

...and you are going to take it.

I don't want to work at no Spanx store!

It's not Spanx, it's men's shapewear.

Okay, well, it's not for me, Jackie, okay?

I'm a free spirit.

You need to let me fly.

I'm part hawk, part eagle. I'm a heagle.

Seriously, guys, I can't focus.

Shut up!


May I remind "The Heagle" that he is living with me in the condo that my daddy bought and he is enjoying the booty that my daddy created.

So if he wants that to continue, then he better show up tonight.

All I heard was "booty."

Just be there, Buck.



The Harrisons can't watch the kids.

They're on a juice cleanse in Santa Fe.

We need more black friends.

This is my fault.

I took this job, moved us up here, upset everyone's lives, and now Miles and Maizy are acting out, and our straight-"A" student is turning into Black Amanda Bynes.

Come on. She's barely Black Selena Gomez.

I run a non-profit that mentors at-risk girls, and our girl is becoming more at-risk every day.

I'm just gonna cancel my speech.

No! You need to be at that fundraiser, and I got to meet with this client.

Now, there is a solution we haven't talked about.

And don't say no till I've told you what it is.

Not Buck.

What is your problem with Buck?

The kids barely know your brother.

The last time we saw Buck, he poisoned our dog with chocolate.

Here's the thing... Buck's our only option.

Besides, Buck has changed.

He's got a fiancée and a job.

He's really got his act together.

[Tires screech]


Sir, you came in the wrong way.

I know, 'cause there's no line this way.

Can I get your keys?

I got a screwdriver.

Give me a minute.

I got to make some life choices around here.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, Will! Hey, Will, what's up?

Will: Buck, Buck, we need someone to watch the kids this weekend.

Any chance you're free?

Watch the kids?

I don't know, man.

Come on, it will be fun... like a getaway.

You like a getaway, right?

Come to think of it, I would love to get away.

Text me the address to the new house and I'll be through in a few.

All right, man.

Why aren't you getting out of the car, Buck?

Look, I got to go.

Family emergency.

Give the Spanx King my love.

It is men's shapewear [bleep]

[Tires squeal]

Ooh, damn, brother!

You designed this yourself?

This is nice.

Yep. It's my dream house.



I see little Pepper's still mad at me.

Yeah, she's got a long memory.

We actually had to take your pictures down.

Hello, Buck.

Girl, get yourself on in here.


Mmm! Damn, you stiff.

Listen, there's a lot to go over.

Will will be in Toronto. I will be in Minneapolis.

There's a binder in the kitchen that has everything you need.

I also left you some cash.

No, no, no!

I don't need your cash. I'm good. Y'all family.

I got a sock full of quarters out there in the car, and I got some scratch-offs that I feel real confident about.

Cash is on the counter.

That's probably wise.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?


Watch your language.

It's your Uncle Buck.

Boy, you done growed up.

To be... Uh, that's, uh, um...


Yeah, that's... that's what I was about to say.

And that has got to be the beautiful, um...


You gonna give me a chance?

Tia, your Uncle Buck is here.


Don't you "uh-huh" me, now.

You gonna give me some respect around here!

Oh, I'm letting you know that...

No, I'm just kidding.

What if I was that guy?


[Door slams]

She seems fun.

[Cellphone buzzes]

Oh, car's here.

Thanks again, big bro. You are a life saver.

I got you.

There are cameras everywhere.


The testing begins. Wake him up.


Did you just poke me with that stick?

I'll ask the questions here.

Are you really our uncle?


Why didn't you visit more?

It's complicated.

What do you do for a living?

That's even more complicated.

Are you married?

Not at this time.

Are you gay?

Not at this time.

Are you the police?

I am in this house.


He did good with the interview.

He did okay.

But let's see how he handles breakfast.



Y'all want some of that juice?

'Cause it's gone.

We want breakfast.

I don't work for y'all.

Do it yourself.

We can't cook.

We're just kids.

Oh, honey, don't worry.

I'm a grown man, and I can't cook, either.

Are you saying you're incapable of providing us with food?

You're like a little lawyer, aren't you?

Okay, let's see what we got.


Now, I got something for you.


Are you serious?

Yeah, it got everything kids need.

Eggs, flour, frosting.

Somebody named Jackie keeps calling you, and I'm trying to study.

Good morning, sunshine.

Let's stop this little charade.

You're my uncle in title only, so you go your way, and I'll go mine.

Dang, why you sitting there being such a...


We can spell.

[Doorbell rings]

That's for me!

I bet that's Jordan, and she is not supposed to see him.

She's grounded.

The whole world's grounded.

Come on. You're bl*wing it, dude.

Can't a man enjoy his breakfast cake?

Thanks for writing my essay.

This has to be the last time.

You can do this. You just need to apply yourself.


Listen, my parents are in Europe, and I'm throwing a party.

It's gonna be bangin'.

You should come.

I can't. I'm grounded.

Well, if you want to escape, h*t me up.

I'll come get you.


What is that?!

What is that?!

Buck: How you doing?

I'm Tia's uncle, Buck.

This is an expensive sweater, dude.

Well, I seen you moving in, it put me right back in w*r.

He wasn't in a w*r.

She don't know. Black ops.

You want to see the Kn*fe I took off S*ddam Hussein?

No, I got to go.


Um, I'll call you later.

Okay, well, get on out of here.


You're insane.

[Laughs] You have no idea.
Alexis: Thank you so much.

Oh, such a great speech, Alexis.

My big takeaway is that these teenage girls really need at least one parent at home.

'Cause when there isn't, that's when the problems start.

Why are you not in Toronto?

I was there, and I was showing Mr. Tagahashi the plans for his new home when all hell broke loose.


I thought he was commenting on my design.

Turns out he ate some rotten blowfish.

So I decided to come spend some quality time with you.

Baby, why didn't you go home?

Because Buck's got it.

He would never let anything happen to the kids.

I need to be home. Tia basically hates me right now.

Of course she does. She's 16. You're her mother.

You're natural enemies, like the cobra and the bat.

I don't think they're enemies.

Well, they're not friends.

Look, this isn't even about Tia or Buck. This is about us.

We're not getting less busy any time soon.

If we can't figure out how to let someone else help us, we got a real problem.

The kids are all right.

Buck is on the job.

[Cellphone buzzes]

Hello, Cyrus.

What are you up to right now?

Giving myself the gift of stillness.

These kids about to k*ll me.

I don't like kids. Their little hands freak me out.

Like the Chucky doll. [Shudders]

Anyway, remember those lightly damaged flat-screen TVs we bought?

Well, I've got a buyer.

But I'm gonna need those Buck negotiating skills to seal the deal.

I can't... I got the kids.

We can make five grand each.

I'll get the big one to watch the little ones.


Jordan: Come on, I sent you a pic without my shirt.

Now it's your turn.

How about me in a fun sweater?

I promise it's just for me.

[Sighs] I don't know.

Hey, Tia, I need you to watch...




Man, why'd you bring the kids?!

Hell, I didn't have no choice.

This one took her top off.

The other two was poking my ass with a stick.

I'm just trying to be a responsible uncle, man.

Uncle Buck, there's a drawing of a naked lady in the bathroom.

Yeah, there is.

You need to study that, little man.

I learned more in the toilet than I did in school.

This place is awesome.

This place is disgusting.

Give me my phone or I'll tell my parents you brought us to filthy Cheers.

Yeah, and I'll tell your parents about your little filthy photography project.

Just relax.

It's good for you kids to see the real world.

Hey, Uncle Buck, look at me!

[Hip-hop music playing]

Oh, it done got a little too real.

Get away from there!

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, hello, Jackie.

Alexis: Man, this is so much fun.

Okay, let's do them.

All right, too easy.

That's retired Danny Glover and that's Reynaldo de la Cruz, Tijuana's number-one weather man.


Baby, we haven't played the nickname game in forever.

You know what else we haven't done in forever?



Feels good, right?


You did good tonight.

You didn't call home or work. Proud of you.

But go ahead, call the kids... You've earned it.

But hurry up.

This hotel has 500 bedrooms right above us.


Before I buy these TVs, tell me why they're so cheap.

Well, I'll be straight up with you.

The only color you're gonna see is red.

And since you're selling them to a nursing home, ha... who cares?

Old people don't care that Judge Judy is red.

They just want noise.

This negotiation is over!


You can leave, it's over, raise up.

Come on. You know where the door is.

Jackie, I was just fittin' to call you.

Oh, really?

I had an emergency, 'cause I had to get my brother's kids.

Oh, and so you brought them to a bar?


I mean, you know what? It's fine.

I just came here to tell you that we're done.

Which means that you are broke and homeless.


And you're gonna end up old, alone, and eating fried bologna sandwiches.

You have a nice day, Heagle.

That woman's a B-I-C-T-H.

Yeah, you can spell that again.

Well, it's time to get out of here. Where's Tia?

Oh, I just seen her outside, talking to a guy named Jordan.

They left in his fancy car.

Thanks, Cy.

Yeah, you just said that real casually like you don't understand how that unravels my world!

That's my niece you talking about.

[Cellphone rings] Oh, it's Alexis.

That's your mom! Hello?

Just calling to check on the kids.

Uh, we're doing real good.

We... We're doing a lot of healthy activities, and, uh, we're... we're... we're eating vegetables and... and praying, too.

And doing a lot of learning stuff.

Mom, a prost*tute taught me to twerk!

Let me call you back. Bye. What's wrong with you?

Shall we go upstairs?

Get the damn check.

You think she bought it?

Not a chance in hell.

And we got about five hours before they get back.

I got to find Tia and get them back home. Come on. Let's go.

[Dance music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

Damn, this is a big-ass party.

I can't see nothing.

Up periscope!

I see her... upstairs!

Good work, Hawkeye.

Where's Miles?

Oh, come on.

Who gives a kid cocaine? He has a tiny heart!

They have doughnuts.

Doughnuts. This party's lame!


We're all booked.

I know, but I want to talk to you woman to woman.

See, I'm a working mom, and I'm being torn in two different directions, and...

[Keyboard clacking]

Can you stop that tippity-tappity for a moment and listen to me? It's kind of important.

See, I left my kids with a degenerate grifter, and I really need to get home.


Now, that's pissing me off.

Are we really gonna drive?

It's not that far, Will.

GPS: Take the I-90 East and proceed 400 miles.

Finally alone.


I'm a little parched.

Should I get us some drinks?


Too loud.

[Cellphone buzzes]

This would be my famous hunch punch.

What the hell is this?!

Listen, nerd, every one of those girls would love to be in your position, okay?

Tia: What are you doing?! Stop it!

Come on!

Your sister's in trouble.

I'll be right back.

Yeah! I'm coming for you, Tia!




What are you guys doing?!

Saving you.

At least trying.

What'd you do to him?

Nobody calls me "nerd."

Yeah, nobody messes with my family.

It's almost morning, kids.

Who want to do some dangerous driving?

[Horns blaring]

Buck: Traffic on the weekend.

It better be somebody d*ad up there!

That's it.

Your parents are gonna b*at us home.

This is all my fault. What was I thinking?

You weren't. But I get it.

I'm the king of not thinking things through.

[Chuckles lightly] I could write a book about it.

Are you gonna tell my parents?

No. We both had a complicated weekend.

Look, I know it's all hard to move back and your mother going back to work.

Starting over sucks.

But it does get better.



I should know. I started over a thousand times.

And with Jackie kicking me out of the house, that's a thousand and one times.

You should come live at our house and take care of us.

I appreciate the thought, baby girl, but, ha, after tonight, I've proven that I'm not babysitter material.

You didn't totally blow it.

You were there for me.


And you took care of Maizy and me.

And we're difficult people.

Those are three good points.


Take away all the mistakes I made tonight, I kind of was an awesome guy.

Maybe I can do this.

Wait a minute.

Don't none of y'all wear diapers, do you?


Oh, okay, I can do this.

Yeah, but if Mom and Dad b*at us home, they'll never go for it.

Hold on.

We going off-road!


[Tires squeal]

Six hours in that tiny car.

Now I know why clowns are evil.

I need to get inside.

Sweetie, remember, before you go in there, Buck's got a good heart.

[Clattering, Maizy screams]

My babies!

Buck: Looky here, looky...

Hey! Look who's home!

We're trying to break the biggest pancake record.


Mommy, stop!

You're crushing me with your love.


So it was a good weekend?

It was a breeze, brother.

Uncle Buck got dumped.

Except for that part.

He's homeless now... like that guy who was peeing in the fountain at the mall.

Oh, that was harsh, but accurate.

Can he live with us and be our manny?

[Barks, growls]

Pepper's got a point.

Uncle Buck's got to get back to his life.

Right, Buck?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got stuff to do.

Yeah, l-l-like find a job and a place to live.

You know, basic survival stuff.

Don't worry.

I'll visit soon.

Bye, Uncle Buck.

We'll miss you!

Let's eat the pancakes!

You gonna be all right?

Of course. Buck is always all right.

But there's two quick things before I go.

One, I'd really like to see the kids more.

I think they'd love that.

I'd love that, too.


What's the second thing?

There's a blockage in your bathroom.


Uncle Buck's leaving?


What's happening here?

Nothing. I've just missed you, and I'm sorry I've been such a jerk.

How was he, anyway?

Actually, not the worst.


[Engine starts]


[Tires screech]


Need a lift, girl?

Look, I don't know what you did with those kids, and I don't care.

But I appreciate it.

And if you want to stay, you can.

Well, I could try to move a few things around, you know.

Don't move too many things around, because we need to see how this goes.

Well, you'll love to have me here. I'm lots of fun.

Tia: Pancake f*re!

Pancake f*re, and this thing's empty!

Funny story.

There was an earlier f*re.


[Camera shutter clicks]


What the...?!


Now, this is how this is gonna work.

First, you gonna leave my little niece alone.

Second, you gonna delete all them little girls' photos out of your phone.

Or I'm gonna Instagram your little ding dong all over the Internet.

Peace out... inchworm.

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