01x06 - Roots

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Strange Calls". Aired: October 2012 to November 2012.
"The Strange Calls" follows the adventures of a young constable, who has been transferred to a fictional Australian seaside community called Coolum, where the emergency calls get stranger every night.
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01x06 - Roots

Post by bunniefuu »


Coolum Tree Exterminators.

Oh, hi, Mum. Yeah.

No, I didn't forget. Mother's Day's tomorrow.

No, you're looking at the sun setting Mum, not rising.

You're confused.

Yeah, I'll be round first thing in the morning to cook you pancakes.

It's all right.

Yeah, 'course I'll bring flowers.


No, Mum, I don't hate you. That's Shawn, your other son.

You're confused again.


Look, Mum, I gotta go.

I've gotta clear a row of 15 footers.

Yeah. Okay, bye.


Man 1: (ON PHONE) Hello? I need your help.

Woman 1: My books are reading themselves.

Man 2: (ON PHONE) A truck's stolen itself!

Woman 2: (ON PHONE) The costume shop comes alive at night.

My glasses... (INDISTINCT)

Gregor: Come on, darlin'.

I don't want you to die, Tiff. You've got a beautiful name, Tiffany.

Just like Audrey Hepburn. You're just as beautiful.

I don't want you to die, darlin'.

Just show some signs of life.

I know Banks didn't water you.

Come on.

Gregor, I am really busy over there with stuff.

Yeah, too busy to water Tiffany. Now she's d*ad!

This is what makes me seriously think about us getting a dog.


What is it?

It's from Kath.


(READING) "Thanks for the flowers. They're lovely.

"Bit confused though."

Well it's good, isn't it? Eh?

Now you'll be able to get your rocks off. (CHUCKLES)

Did you send Kath flowers?

I said it was you.


Well, you haven't spoken since that last grabbing dinner date.

No, no, that's not helping!

Don't worry. She'll love the card.

What? What card?

A picture of two naked old people jumping into a pool.


It was about freedom or something stupid like that.

No, she'll love it.

Yeah, great. Of course she will.

Well, why don't you text her back?

You do like her, don't ya?


What, are you chicken?

Get lost.



Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Banks speaking.


You've been att*cked by a tree?

What type of tree?

So, is that your whole statement?

That the universe is taking revenge on you because you k*ll trees for a living?

Not the whole universe.

Just the tree that att*cked me.

Silly me.

Took me spray pack, too.

Did it?

Gregor: Hey Banks, you'd better check this shit out.

Not you, Ed.

Not you.

Policeman, victim. Investigating, convalescing.

Did you plant this?

I cut trees down, mate. I don't plant 'em.

(SNIFFS) Oh, do you smell that?

I think the tree h*t Ed so hard he might have number twoed himself.

Can you guys smell that funny smell too?

Poor bugger doesn't even know it.

Have you texted back Kath yet?


I understand.

(CHUCKLES) It'd be pretty hard to follow my limerick.

What? You wrote her a poem?

A limerick is not a poem.

Oh, God!

What'd you say? What'd you say?

There was a young lass from Angina...

Oh, Jesus! No, no, no, Jesus!

You honestly wrote that?

Well can I just tell you the last bit?







Can you hear me?

I'm a police officer.

Can you tell me what's happened here?

I was h*t by a tree.

What sort of tree?

I didn't see.

I stopped to take a piss...

Hey, mate, Jesus. Don't be boorish.


While I was going number ones, I heard something like breathing.

When I turned around, a tree took a swing at me.

Knocked me out cold.

I just don't know why it would att*ck me.

Did you leave your truck open?

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

It's gone.

What's gone?

My mulcher. (CRIES)

Oh, okay, come on. That's all right.

The most important thing is that you're safe.

Mulchers are replaceable.

Not this one.

I'm in so much trouble. I can't get fired again. I can't. (CRIES)

Okay. Okay. That's okay. Come on.

It's okay.

Kev: Thank you.

Gregor: You'd better check this shit out, Banks.

It's the same tree as the other one.

Hmm. Oh, same smell.

Yeah, maybe he's number twoed himself, too.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, whoa! It's the soil.


It's the soil.

Smell that.

I can't.

But just smell it quickly.

I can't!

Smell and just see...

I can't!

I'm anosmic. I can't smell, okay?

Here's my card, in case you find my mulcher.

I've already told you, I can't smell! Just get off me back.

I can't smell.

Okay, I know.

You've got no idea what it's like for my people, Banks.

The stares, the whispers.

Being made to sit in the back of the bus. But you, you learn to cope.

You sharpen your other senses.

That's why I do my eye exercise every morning. You know...

Yup. Yes, I know those ones. Look Gregor, I'm sorry you can't smell.

Well, the next time you yell at me when I park in a disabled spot, think again. Now here.

I want you to smell this.


Now relax, son. Close your eyes and concentrate.

Now sniff.


What do you smell?

Ugh! Manure.

(SNORTS) Focus, son, focus.

You need to smell deeper.

Is there a trace of herring?

Or a note of herring?


Actually, I... I think I do.


Yes, definitely.

Good, good. What about licorice?

No, not licorice. Um... (INHALES)



There's only one florist in Coolum that mixes herring with sulfur and cinnamon.

Adrian's Enchanted Florist.


Well, we might have to try him at home.

No, this is his home.

He used to live here with his mother till about a year ago when she passed over.

Now he lives here all alone, masturbating.

Well, he's not here now. We'll have to come back in the morning.




Gregor, far out!

You're breaking and entering.

No, we're breaking and entering.

No, we are leaving! Now!

Banks, there's a tree on the loose.

Adrian has done nothing wrong.

He's just... Ew!

Ah, you can smell it, can't ya?

I told you Adrian's got something to do with this.

It doesn't matter! It does not matter! We can't be doing this.

Okay, I'm going to leave an apology note for the door.

Uh, is this the card you got for Kath?

Yeah, similar. But mine was funnier.

You could see his wang. (CHUCKLES)

"Dear Adrian, sorry, Gregor threw a bin at your door."

So this is where it gets its food.

Where what gets its food?

The tree.

It needs soil.

Do not go back there, Gregor.

Gregor, do not go back there!



Gregor: You'd better check this shit out, Banks.


Gregor! What'd I just say? What'd I just say?

Did you just break something else?

It's the stolen mulcher. It's Adrian?

He's been doing this?

I always thought he was human.

He's not a tree, he's a criminal.

Yeah, a criminal tree.

Banks: Why would Adrian steal a mulcher?

Maybe he's a cutter. You know, a self-harmer?

Probably weeding himself right now.

Gregor, Adrian is not a tree.



Gregor: Banks! Banks! Toby Banks, are you awake?

Where? What?

We have to loosen these ropes.

Reach into me pocket and you'll find me lucky charm.

It's not that lucky charm. Me jacket pocket.




Listen, you could be in serious trouble for this.

You've just as*ault a police officer.

And a night security man.

I'm not here to harm you. I'm here to save you.

You gonna save me too?

Please, save me first.

I'm going to save everyone.

Ah, thank heavens.

Adrian, what are you talking about?

Every day, you m*rder, r*pe and burn down trees.

I do not r*pe trees!

Is that why you, uh, you as*ault the tree lopper and the mulcher guy?

They got what they deserved.

And... I can't have their kind around tomorrow.

Mother's Day?


Put it back.

Adrian, what happens tomorrow?


Everyone in Coolum will turn into trees.

I knew this was gonna happen eventually.


How did... How did you know that?

Oh, I've just been thinking about it.

Good. Good use of time.


Thank you for your sacrifice.

It won't be forgotten, my darling.




You don't look well.

What kind of plant is that?

Adrian: I don't know its name.

Banks: Where... Where did you get it?

I found it about a year ago.

Mother's Day was coming up and I was looking for something different to surprise her.

Even though she hated surprises.

I found this little beauty on the side of Mount Coolum.

It was special.

It was like it had just fallen out of the sky.

I knew Mum would love it. I knew it. I felt it. And she did.


Then something strange started to happen.

Mum started to get sick.

I'm sorry, Adrian.

My Mum got sick, too. I know what it's like.

It's hard to see someone you love go through so much pain.

How dare you?

Right. Sorry.

Something beautiful was happening to her.

The tree was helping her to evolve. She was becoming one of them.

A beautiful, voluptuous tree.

And now, so am I!


I'm becoming a tree!


Gregor: I've seen this before.

Where have you seen this before?

The Huddy family. You don't know 'em.

I've extracted liquid from its branches and tomorrow, when the mothers of Coolum get their flowers, the flowers will be sprayed with this.

And then when they sniff the flowers, everyone will turn.

The whole of Coolum will turn into trees!


Sounds very nice. Ah!

All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Adrian, I don't know what's wrong with you, exactly...

That was a European death knot!

... but you're not well.

And I'd like to help you, but first, I'm just going to have to arrest you.

Come any closer and I'll pull the trigger.

Don't provoke him. Don't provoke him, mate!

I'm warning you. Stay back!

My God, look at you.

What a beautiful tree you will make!

No, no!



Come on!

What, seriously?


Turn around. I'm going to cuff you now.


Gregor? Gregor!

I told you to stay back!

You see?

It's started.

Adrian. Adrian!

He needs medical help.

I'm sorry, but this stage is particularly hard.

But it's worth the suffering.

He'll be the first to turn.

The first spruce in the glade.

Please, he'd old!

I'm 47!

Neil: Morning! Adrian!




Sarge, we're in here! Help!


Shut up! Don't make a sound!


Yo, Adrian!

Happy Mother's Day, Sergeant.

Happy Mother's Day, Adrian.

Sorry to pop in. I saw your door was broken.

What happened?

We've got a bit of a possum problem.


They did that to your door?


Don't you worry.

I'm working night and day to overturn the Protected Species Act.

With any luck we'll be skinning the little bastards by Christmas.


Now I know I'm a bit early, but I was hoping to pick up my flowers for Mum.

Of course.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, this is great.

That too, thanks.




You look terrible.

It's the stress of Mother's Day.

I understand. Your mother was a very attractive lady.

Thank you.





They're here?


Best way to handle them is grab them by the tail and then swing them into a wall.

Adrian: No, Neil, please wait!


Banks, what are you doing here? Oh!

Banks: Sarge! Sarge, wake up!



What have you done, Banks?

Gregor's sick.

I'm turning into a tree.


Banks: He's poisoned him, okay?

He's not listening to me. You're the Sarge. He'll listen to you.





Sarge, please!

I don't want to disturb him mid-bouquet.



Righto, Adrian. You listen to me.

You listen to me.

You listen to me.

You listen to me!



(CRIES) You said it was possums!

Possums! It wasn't possums!



Gregor, don't worry, I'm going to get you out of here.


He needs a drink. He's going to dehydrate.

You wouldn't deprive a tree of water, would you?

Forgive me. Of course.





Sarge, grab the backpack!

Grab the backpack!

It was meant to be possums!

Banks: Ah, g*dd*mn it, Neil!

Gregor: It's all right, son.

I'll be with you all the way.

We'll be the start of a beautiful forest together.

Woman: Hello? Is anybody inside?


There's a crowd out there.

What'd you do?

Must have been my Tweets.

I'm not surprised. They were pretty funny.


You mean you have a phone this whole time and you haven't told me?

See, this is exactly the kind of behavior I'm talking about!

Well, how come you haven't got your phone?

I had to hide it to stop you from texting Kath all the time.


Why are you texting Kath?

Gregor: Have you texted her yet?

Guys, can we just talk about this later, please?

I'll be a tree later.

We'll all be trees later! Now give me that phone.

Hey, hey!

No, no!

You give that to me! You give that to me!

I'm warning you!


Help me!

You've almost got him, Banks. Don't give up now.




Gregor: Say cheese.

Reporter: Neil! Neil!


Officer, what happened in there?

Did he thr*at you at all?

Can I get some help here, please?

He tried to. He tried to. But it's safe now.

Everything's safe.

I was able to take control of the situation, and...

Sorry, are we looking at him or we looking at me? Bit confused.

If we're looking at me, then we'll go from the start. Okay?

Okay, first positions. Action!


All safe now. Everything's okay.

I was able to take control of the situation.

He's been, ah, sprayed in the face with some sort of poison.

He's developed a rash and he's coughing quite badly.

Neil: Coolum, we will never fail you.

We will always protect you.

And this is our solemn vow as your trusted, beloved police force.

There'll be no questions.

Kath: Banks!

Kath. Oh God.

I saw Gregor's tweets.

I'm sorry I didn't text you back.

And listen.

About the card.

I know. You could see his wang.

How's Gregor?

Yeah, he's not good.

I'm sure he'll be okay. He's lucky to have you, you know.

Well, I'm lucky to have him.

He's pretty much my only friend in this town.

He's not your only friend, Banks.

Gregor: Get off me!

I'm a f*ck' tree!

I should probably go to him.

Gregor: Enough now! Get off!

Banks, listen, will you make a promise to me?

After I'm gone, will you keep taking the strange calls.

Don't talk like that.

We helped a lot of people, you and me.


You've helped a lot of people, Banks.

Yeah, we did, didn't we?

(SNIFFS) Yeah.

Hey, come on, you've got a lot of good years in front of you.

You're only 47.

I lied to you, Banks. I'm not 47.

Reverse those numbers and add six.


He's losing bowel control.

I'm self-fertilizing meself. (FARTS)

Just... Just relax. You... You're going to be all right.

I'm becoming a tree. Trees live for a long, long time.

Just plant me where the sun shines on me every morning.

Give me a good pruning each spring. And Banks, make sure that you water me.

(SNIFFS) I will. I will. Of course, I promise.

I'll take care of you, Gregor.

You've been a good friend to me, Banks.

In fact, my only friend.

And if you see any dogs pissin' on me, sh**t 'em!


Gregor? (SNIFFS) Gregor. Gregor, wake up. Wake... (CRIES)

Please wake up. Please wake up.

That'll calm him down till we get him to the hospital.

He's not d*ad?

No, we've had to deal with him before.

He gets a bit handsy, so it's just easier to knock him out.

Yeah. (SNIFFS) Good. (CLEARS THROAT) Of course. Of course.

Neil: Banks.

I, uh, I hope you understood what happened back there.

I just, um... I want to make sure that we're agreed that, um, but for a few minor indiscretions, my version of events was all in all, accurate.


And I'll, uh... I'll put in a good word with the Deputy Commissioner about your behavior.



Ah, Sarge, it's on.

It's on! Everyone! (WHISTLES)

Newscaster: The store owner, Adrian Vine then took...

It's on.

... the two police officers and a security guard hostage using a spray pack filled with toxic chemicals.

An anonymous source has sent Channel 3 this exclusive footage from inside the siege.

Banks: Sarge! Help me!

You've almost got him, Banks. Don't give up now.

Banks: What?

Newscaster: Despite the dangers, the officers quickly took control of the situation.


Well, at least one of them did. And in other news...


Officer: Coolum Beach Police.



Sergeant Lloyd speaking.

Deputy Commissioner Banks? Yes.

Oh, you did? You saw it?

Well the... (LAUGHS)

No, no, I know it's not a laughing matter.

Um, your son is in the room with me, yes.

Yeah, okay.

Deputy commissioner: (OVER SPEAKER) Toby?


I want to commend you on your actions today.

Calm under pressure and showed courage in the face of danger.

You did the force proud.

Thank you, Deputy Commissioner.

And, son, you made me proud, too.

Thanks, Dad.

You're a good copper.

City Branch could do with a few more like you.

So, what do you say?

Do you want to come home and work with me?



Hello? Hello?

Am I still on?

These f*cking phones are ridiculous!

Hello, Neil!


Are you there? Neil!

Neil: (SOBBING) This is bullshit!

Neil, hello!

Neil: This is bullshit!




Happy Mother's Day, son.


Happy Mother's Day. How are you feeling?


The doctor told me that my anosmia prevented the infection from spreading, so I'm not a tree.

I'm glad you're feeling okay.


Ah, Mrs. Merrylease told me the good news about the promotion.

Really? Mrs. Merrylease called?


Her cats wanted to say goodbye.

Mmm. Right. Good.

(SIGHS) Well, son, congratulations on the new job.

It's what you wanted.


I packed your bags.

The last bus leaves in 20 minutes, so we'd better get a hurry on.


You know, I was thinking, maybe we could have a game of Hero Quest.

Oh, maybe at the bus stop. Be a pretty quick game.

We wouldn't even get past Subler's Dungeon.

No, uh...

Gregor, I'm not going.


I'm gonna, you know...

(INHALES SHARPLY) I wanna stay around for a bit.

Shut up!

He's not going.

Forget it.

We still get paid though?


But play something else.

It's all we know.



Ah, this was meant to be a little going away pressie for you.


You know, I've been thinking.

Maybe we should get a beagle, to help with clues and stuff.

Yeah, I'd like that very much, Banks.
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