01x01 - Life is a Carnival (Pilot)

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Roadies". Aired: June 2016 to August 2016.
"Roadies" is an insider’s look at the reckless, romantic, funny and often poignant lives of a committed group of "roadies," who live for music and the de facto family they’ve formed along the way. The music-infused ensemble comedy series chronicles the rock world through the eyes of music’s unsung heroes and puts the spotlight on the backstage workers who put the show on the road while touring the United States for a successful arena-level band.
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01x01 - Life is a Carnival (Pilot)

Post by bunniefuu »

(♪ classic rock music ♪)


(woman moans)

(knock at door)

man: Room service.

woman: Good!

man: What? You ordered room service?

woman: Yes! Yes!


(knock at door) Whoa!

man: Room service. Room service.

Hold on, hold on.


On my way.


Hey, you.



No, you.

You are probably the oldest person I've ever f*cked.

And I loved it.

I'm gonna get the door.

I mean, like, I love how you're not just some young dude, you know?

You're like one of those old lions at the zoo.

You can stop there. I'm good.

I have to pee.


Sorry about that.

Did you order the chocolate volcano, sir?

Yeah. Can I ask you a question?


How old do I look to you?

Probably fif... four...

32, 29, 28-ish, sort of?

Just set it down right there.

Good, you're awake.

Not really.

May I come in?

Not just yet.

Why do you even ask?

To be polite.

So the day has g*n.

Our wonderful lead singer's demonic kid...

Kimberly: I came so awesomely hard!



And good morning, Bill.

So what happened with the devil child?

Took a chunk out of the new nanny's arm with his teeth.

Kid pulled a Tyson.

That's the second Tyson this year.

He's moved solidly into teeth work.

Lucky they were in a Taco Bell/KFC play area, so the tour can't be sued.

We really need to work on new language for the nanny contracts.

We got to get a new nanny by tonight.

24 hours with his own kid?

Right, that's what I'm saying.

Tom won't be able to talk, forget perform.

And of course, it will land on me.

It always does.

So are you guys, like, together?

Oh, relax. We just work together.

Dale, this is a significant charge for ice cream.

I'll look into that, sir.

Sir, suddenly everything's sir, huh?

He's the tour manager.

Bill: She's the production manager.

She's married.

To my amazing, noble husband.

Who she rarely sees because he, too, is a production manager.

For Taylor Swift.

I love her.

Oh, and Philadelphia is canceled.

Why would they cancel Philadelphia?

I don't know.

Philadelphia's canceled because the ice rink leaking.


My dad's the promoter rep.

♪ Early one morning, the sun was shining ♪
♪ And he was laying in bed ♪
♪ Wondering if she... ♪

Your father is Ron Bank?

I can't wait to tell him that I met you guys.

He's doing the next few shows.

He loves you guys.

Oh, this is not good.

♪ They never did like Mama's homemade dress ♪
♪ Papa's bank book wasn't big enough ♪
♪ And he was standing on the side of the road ♪
♪ Rain falling on his shoes ♪
♪ Heading out for the old East Coast ♪
♪ Lord knows he's paid some dues ♪
♪ Getting through ♪
♪ Tangled up in blue ♪

That's it right there, Bob.


♪ She was working in a topless place ♪
♪ And I stopped in for a beer ♪

Who would have thought? Bob Dylan.


He's, like, the greatest f*cking DJ in the world.

He did 100 hours of radio shows, and each show was a theme, and it was...


You know I drove Bob for three years on the Never Ending Tour.

You know that, right?


Many a nights he sat right there, told me many truths right there, right there.

"All of them secrets I'll never reveal."

I'm gonna miss your late-night stories, Gooch.

Eh, you'll be back.


I'm going to film school.

They gave me a half scholarship.

Don't mean nothing.

You're still one of us.


This is my opportunity.

You know, at a certain point in your life, you need structure.

Yeah, it's my opinion that in life, you need two things to survive: oxygen and family.

Everything else is dessert.

You're a good man, Gooch.

I think I'm gonna miss you most of all.

♪ And every one of them words rang true ♪
♪ And glowed like burning coal ♪
♪ Pouring off of every page ♪
♪ Like it was written in my soul ♪
♪ From me to you ♪
♪ Tangled up in blue ♪


man: God damn it, it's great to be alive!

Especially here in this crazy f*cking city that refuses to die, New Orleans,
filled with history, truth, ghosts, glory, and seafood.

I once saw Wilson Pickett play New Orleans, the Wicked Pickett.

And there was literally smoke coming off him.

Somebody asked him after the show.

They said, "Mr. Pickett, what's it like to play so hard and so tough and so deep..."

(cell phone vibrating)

"That smoke literally rises from your skin."

And he said, "This is New Orleans, baby. They don't settle for heat. They grew up with f*re."


So let's do it!

all: Oh!

(cheers and applause)

Shelli: That was Preston.

Management calling this early?

That's never good.

Well, he's probably just calling about Tom's kid or Philadelphia.

Bill? Right?

What's this about Philadelphia?

Nothing. There's a cr*ck in the ice rink.

Yeah, that's what they say it is.

Milo, stop being paranoid, okay?

Because nothing is wrong.

Don't start spreading rumors that something is wrong, 'cause nothing is.

It's all good.


You all right?

Every ending begins with a cr*ck.

Now, he's not actually British, right?

No, he's from New Jersey.


(♪ calm rock music ♪)


♪ Time changes every ♪
♪ Idea I've ever had ♪
♪ Oh, such a heavy love ♪
♪ Rolls out like a blanket ♪
♪ Why must it fold up on me? ♪


♪ Why must it fold up on me? ♪


♪ Slow replies ♪
♪ When I'm hungry enough to give ♪
♪ Lust is thrown around... ♪

Milo: Oy, Kelly Ann to 8.

Kelly Ann to 8.

Go for Kelly Ann.

Nobody thinks you're leaving.

That is because nobody believes there is anything more important than The Staton-House Band.

Is there?


Just tell me the promoter rep's daughter is over 18.

Oh, she's 22.

She's actually studying to be a paleontologist.

She's an expert in ancient culture and bones.

Wow, so many jokes come to mind.

(laughing) I-I know. I know.

Bill, is there something you're not telling me?


Because if there is, I need you to tell me.

No, no, no.

We're fine.

I'm fine.

We're fine.

Everything's fine. I'm not sure w-w...

No more coffee for you today.

Absolutely not. Copy that.

Or teenagers.

This is Shelli.

Is that Preston?

Oh, hi.

Is that Preston?

Okay, listen, Sean...

Oh, your husband.


Hey, ask him how his tour's going.

Perfectly probably, right?

Well, the local crew is dragging their feet, and management started calling it the ass-cr*ck of dawn.

It's already a heckin' good time out here.

Ask him if he knows of a good nanny.

Oh, oh, and... and the new promoter is saying we can't have the big dressing room because of the basketball team.

Thank you, Anthony.

I was just wondering what you guys did when Taylor was down here.

Wait, you heard?

Oh, really?

Heard what?

H-hold on, honey.

Your teenage paleontologist posted a picture of you and that hideous dessert on Facebook.

She calls it, "Shenanigans with Bill Hanson, tour manager of the Staton-House Band. 5:38 a. m. #OldRocks."

(relieved laugh)

I tho... I thought it was gonna be much worse.

It already has 72 comments and 423 likes.

It's pinging around all the tours.

Okay, that's worse.

Plus, we are down another nanny.

Oh, should I ask Kelly Ann if she'll stay on one more night?

Yes, yes.

Kelly Ann worships you.

She started saying "ha" because you say it.


Is that why you don't like her, because she idolizes me?

Oh, that is so good to know.

Okay, hold on. I don't not like her.

I mean, she knew she was going to film school at the beginning of the tour, but she gave me two weeks' notice.

Plus, she eats off other people's plates.

Look, I-I know you dread talking to management.

Would you like me to call Preston for you?

Okay, got it. Thank you.

I love you.

Are you... was that to me or to him?

Uh, I know. Talk tonight.

Because if it was to me, I'm yours.

Yeah, no.

No, that is just Bill being Bill.

This is great.

All right. Bye, sweetie.

Love you too. Talk tonight.

man: Shelli, the local PAs are hanging out at the Waffle House.

Get this; Ron Bank gave them the wrong arrival time.

And there's no coffee anywhere.

Ron Bank is mad, man.

Father of the teenage paleontologist.

Let me know if you want me to call management back for you.

No, no, no, you deal with the locals.

I'll call.

Thanks to you, Ron Bank is already making today awesomely hard.



Bill: This is Puna.

He's band security.

If he comes to you with an issue, you listen.

He's actually clairvoyant about problems.

He'll spot them before they happen.

♪ Actively moving in ♪
♪ Culpably moving in ♪
♪ Happily... ♪

Hopefully, that's Tom Staton's dressing room.

If you need something signed, I'll get it done after the show.

That's a guarantee.

Look, I'm not gonna ask you where you got that T-shirt.

I'm just gonna say, starting that night, I spent nine days in jail, which was a very dark time for me.

I-I was told you'd laugh.

And... and I get it.

One other thing... and this is important... there's one thing my lead singer cannot deal with in any form.

We do not tolerate...


...under any circumstances...

Hi, guys.

Just one second.

I just... no, I just talked to management.

You're gonna want to hear this.

Right now?


Okay. You guys hang tight.

You're doing a great job. Thanks.

Bill: What did Preston say?

Shelli: He said he'd come himself, but he can't travel.

His kid has an arm injury.



He always cancels the trip at the last minute if there's a confrontation to avoid.

Preston not coming means bloodshed.

I know. He's always blaming the kid.

So now he's sending someone?

Here, today.

A new "financial advisor."


Why are your ears turning red?

They're not.

What more do you know?


It's me.

I'm getting fired, aren't I?

It's not you.

Then what are you not telling me?

You know who's gonna be really pissed?



You know Phil carries a loaded firearm?

Harvey: Hey, guys.


I'ma dip out.

Check on my storage units.

Sure, go ahead.

And did we find a replacement for Kelly Ann yet?

together: Not yet.

You two are in denial.

About a lot of things.


And that one thing that we cannot tolerate is firecrackers.

You got it?

If you see it, seize it.

Why firecrackers?

Google "Tom Staton, firecrackers, Des Moines, rowdy crowd, 2008," or you can just trust me, boys.

I've seen a lot of meltdowns.

Hey, Phil. Can I call you that?

That's my name. It ain't just letters on a hat.

You worked with my favorite band of all time, the original Lynyrd Skynyrd.

This was given to me in 197... in 1976 by Ronnie Van Zant.

And I have not taken it off since.

Who's Robbie Van Zant?


Who is Ronnie Van Zant?

Do your homework, son.

This is a privilege, not a vacation.

There's a tradition on this adventure, and you need to bone up on whose shoulders you're standing on.

All right. Let's recap.

What've we learned to pay special attention to?

together: Firecrackers!

Do not put your cups or fingerprints on the piano, okay?

See, I got a keyboard player.

He can't play if it's not shiny.

He can feel a smudge.

And if that happens...

It's as bad as firecrackers.

Nothing's as bad as firecrackers.

(♪ tense music ♪)


Those lights gonna be on?

Uh, yes.

What's the verdict, Puna?


It won't happen tonight.

(♪ gentle music ♪)

All right.

Love you, big guy.

(♪ upbeat folk music ♪)


(phone ringing, Kelly Ann groans)


Wesley, man up and speak.

So you're talking to me?

Kelly Ann: Yeah.

Pearl Jam fired me.


Wesley: McCready took me to breakfast and did it himself.

He said I reminded him too much of his pre-sobriety.

He looks at me, and it reminds him of then, I guess.

Me cleaning his amps up when he would pee on them,
me wiping his mouth when he barfed at my wedding, and still, I would take a f*cking b*llet for him still.

(crying) I love Mike McCready!

What do I do?

Well, don't come here.

This is my last day too.

I don't even think they'd miss me.

They barely even gave me a nickname.

What is it?



That's not even a nickname.

That's a shortening.

Kelly Ann: It doesn't even matter anymore.

I have a ticket to New York City tonight.

I got a partial scholarship.

I'm going to film school.

Wesley: All because you hate your nickname?


I watched your movie multiple times, by the way.

I still don't understand it, but it was f*cking powerful.

Uh-huh, well, thank you for the medium praise.

Wesley: And Christmas wasn't my fault.

You ran off. You always run off and expect me...

Wesley, don't come here.

I'm already trying to keep today from getting emotional.

You don't own New Orleans, Kel.

You only call me when you're in trouble.

How can you leave your band?

Phil: Darling, you look like you just lost your best friend.

Maybe what you need is one of those surprise bon voyage parties, cake and stuff.

No, no, I don't want people to go to too much trouble pretending to be sad.

What are you leaving us for?

Oh, yeah, film school.


I have to find my own voice.

Maybe I can change the world. Ha.

Guess what, I've been this close to people who actually did change the world, and it turns out I like being an Indian better than I like trying to be a chief.

You know what I mean.

The truth?

I don't hear the music the same way.

I don't feel like it's mine anymore.

Sit down, honey.

Sit down.

I feel the same way about my dog, but I'm not giving her away.

"Get messy, get real, that's the whole deal."

Didn't you tell me that once?

I say that to everybody.

Well, I listened.

It comes and goes, sweetheart.

But if you love the music, and I know you do, you might want to give it all another chance.

I don't even know if the band are feeling it either.

They haven't changed their set since the last tour.

I have to be a fan of something or I'm useless.

I'm nothing.

I'm worker bee on bus number one.

And I'd stay an Indian forever if I still...

But my whole belief thing is... it's just starting to cr*ck.

Tell 'em. It's a family.

Walk up to Tom or Christopher tonight.

Tell 'em why you're leaving.

No, but I don't talk to the band.

Look... (sighs)

I'll die with this band.

But honestly, I can see right now, because I know people, I know it's time for you to move on, Julianne.

It's Kelly Ann.

Kelly Ann.

I might get your name wrong, but I know exactly who you are.

Well, makes one of us.

Everybody got a name.

Not everybody's got a vibe.

Listen, you're gonna k*ll 'em in NYC.

But don't ever think that you can't come back here and be a legend.

And I say that as a legend myself.

♪ Jump so high ♪
♪ Tie me down ♪
♪ Try to hold me up ♪
♪ But the wall ain't ♪
♪ High enough ♪

Coming through!

♪ In a game so rough ♪
♪ But I still can't ♪
♪ Give it up ♪

Stop! Stop! Stop!

The large dressing room is off-limits.

Okay, Ron.

The basketball team won't allow anyone to step on the Pelican mascot insignia on the floor.

It's bad luck!

Ron, just calm down.

This has nothing to do with your tour manager corrupting my daughter.

She's a very, very special girl.

She knows every bone in every prehistoric dinosaur you can imagine.

Oh, I can imagine.

Ron, I know about the special rug you put down over the pelican for Taylor Swift.

But I'm going to post a picture on Facebook of Tom Staton's wardrobe case in a broom closet.

And you can tell them yourself why he can't have the dressing room, and your mistreatment of this band will spread far and wide, and then good luck getting that Brad Paisley day you want so bad.

You need this show to happen tonight as much as we do.

I know.

And I am sorry about your daughter.

She is truly lovely. I saw her naked.

Wait, I-I've gone too far.


I-I have this problem with compliments.

I-I can see you're getting emotional, and I am not a hugger, but haul it in.

Just bring it to me.

Oh, yeah.

Get the rug!


Yeah, okay.

(♪ electronic indie music ♪)

♪ Yeah ♪

I'm looking for Kelly Ann.

man: Wes!

man: Hey, Wes.

man: Come on in, dude.

man: You're welcome here, man.

f*ck Pearl Jam, man.

woman: You brought your espresso machine!

man: It's Wes!

woman: I missed you.

man: How you doing, brother? Welcome back.


♪ And my dreams are where I let it give in ♪
♪ And my dreams are where I've been ♪

Hey, Wes.


Hey, Donna.

Hey, Wes.

I'm sorry you got whacked by Pearl Jam.

Replacements, from 1987.

Final show with the original band and a Sleater-Kinney from '96.

Nice new neck work.

Me and Laurie are gonna have a baby.

I love that.

Don't tell anyone.

Have you seen Kelly Ann?

Come back in ten.

You'll like the song of the day.

(bass chords play)


Hi, mate.

Wes, we met at the Bridge School show.

You were doing Elvis.

We talked about Dylan.

PJ was amazing that night.


I got "Blonde on Blonde" outtakes.

I've got 'em.

But these are insane quality straight from the studio in Nashville.

First generation?


f*ck me, mate.

So you're asking about Kelly Ann?

Uh, yeah, she hates me for coming here.

Hey, do you want me to make you an espresso?

No, thanks.

Dude, I'm famous for my espressos.

You shouldn't say no.

She hates me more, mate. Trust me.

I just found out she's leaving this tour to get away from our love-hate relationship.

Look, Kelly Ann is an escape artist, all right?

She has emotions, just not like you and I understand them.

If she could just smile.

But not just near me, like, at me.

Dude, she fears a good time.

Is that something you really want in a girlfriend?


How do you know her so well?

Who are you?

I shouldn't be talking to you.

I shouldn't be talking to anyone.

I already know too much.

Something really bad is about to happen.

What do you mean, like, like, like someone's getting fired?


What have you heard?

What you just told me.

Is that an espresso? Where'd you get that?

I made it.

May I? Thanks.

f*cking unbelievable.

Milo, you tried one of these?

They're great.

Hey, sorry to hear about what happened with PJ.

That's too bad.

It's tough.

They were my band.


My boys.

It's happening here too, huh?

I heard, the coming bloodshed.

Someone is going down.

And I think it's me, Wes.


I just said too much.

I never do that.

Wes, I just f*cked up, okay?

God damn it, I said too much.

Don't tell anybody.

Really, Wes, nobody, okay?

Management's sending the money guy in at 4:00.

Lips are sealed, baby.


Ah! God damn it.

Just like with Donna having a baby.

Donna's having a baby?

Uh, no, no.


Never mind.

Look, I'm just here to work out my thoughts, my manhood, and weather.

♪ Fell down and nothing bled ♪


♪ Wrapped in cotton alcohol again ♪
♪ To the hill I hear from the prick ♪
♪ Upon my shoulder ♪


♪ Free pour the fruitless thoughts ♪
♪ It's far too late to talk so much ♪
♪ But still not giving up ♪
♪ Though I wish that I was sober ♪
♪ Choke down the gateway drug ♪
♪ Opened the gates, in came the flood ♪
♪ It comes like a blush of love ♪
♪ It hits me without warning ♪
♪ Long nights of getting lost ♪
♪ I walk beneath the bridge I don't know ♪
♪ I need a black suit for tomorrow ♪
♪ I'm in mourning ♪
♪ Oh, oh, come and shake me till I'm dry ♪


♪ Oh, I wish that I was sober ♪
♪ Oh, come to me and k*ll the night off ♪


Phil: The opening act has arrived.

Hello, Head and the Heart.

Welcome to the family.

Come on over here. Hey.

Phil, we need to sound check.

We're still clearing the stage.

We'll be back soon for your sound check.

So you gentlemen and lady can do your magic.

man: All right, you guys, let me translate for you.

Means it's gonna be another 25 minutes.

The ship has arrived at the dock, and it is filled with gold.

What ship?

The ship.

The ship, Phil.

I'm speaking in code.

Oh, the ship.

The ship!

The ship, oh, okay.

Excuse me?

Where's your pass?

I lost my laminate.

I'm Phil's cousin from Atlanta.

Oh, let me get Phil.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey.

♪ To lose your mind ♪
♪ Get ready for the wild life ♪


(both screaming)

♪ All right, all night ♪
♪ Get ready for the wild life ♪
♪ Get ready for the wild life ♪

Everything's about to change, Bill.

Suddenly it feels like the last day of school.


Where is this guy?

Doesn't management know that you f*re people at the end of the night?

You don't show up early and dangle your authority.

You guys, The Head and the Heart just spit at Milo.

Kel, can you stay one more night and nanny Winston?

I already asked her.

I can't. I got this ticket.

And I got to be on a red-eye at 11:00.

Well, enjoy the miracle that is flight.

Finally watched your movie, by the way.

You did?

You did?

Yeah, she... you know, I didn't get it exactly.

She put together all these climactic moments of people running from all these movies.

People running.


You know how in movies when people realize something, right, like they were wrong...


...or they were in love, and they just start running...

The point I was actually trying to make is when you see everybody running on, like, a long tracking sh*t, that is completely manipulative.

I was actually trying to make a statement about how fake those moments are, identity versus reality, and how life just cheats you out of your dreams even though we live on the oxygen of what isn't truly possible, you know?



Yep, just take it.

man: Shelli, you there?

Go for Shelli.

Yeah. It had a good feeling.

I...no, I-I can't right now.

I'm being cheated out of my dreams.

I-I really liked it.


I mean, before you explained it.


I have everyone on the lookout.

Natalie Shayne is not that good a stalker.

Thanks for watching my movie.

Good job.


I'm out.

Protect the band, understand the band, forgive the band.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ You can't live in fear ♪
♪ You want to sound like a woman ♪
♪ You want to stand with me ♪
♪ You don't seem to feel it ♪
♪ You want to take some time ♪

You're with The Head and the Heart.

That's a great band.

You know, the sweet spot is on the right side of the stage if you want to watch from there.

♪ Did he ever tell you about the good times ♪
♪ That you give ♪
♪ Don't know if you got another day ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey ♪
♪ I'm in the water ♪
♪ Listening to this shit ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

man: Hey!

We're supposed to get the stage at 4:00 p. m.

We postponed f*cking headlining shows to do this tour, and we passed on festival gigs in Europe with Neil Young...

Easy, papa.

And now we're f*cking sitting around.

We love your band, okay?

Just, we've had a really rough day.

Stage isn't ready yet.

Three singers, unbeatable.

Hey, and who's your dude with the fake English accent?

'Cause he's pissing the f*ck out of us.

I know, right?

So fake.

Good to see you.

Times like these I used to like a little drink, you know?

Well, don't blow your two-year sobriety on this f*ck douche-boy.

The douche-boy is very late.

You know what? I think... email management.

Tell Preston...


"Your financial assh*le is already late."

Tell him the English douchebag can't even arrive on time.

Where is your English assh*le?

Uh, douchebag assh*le.

Douchebag English assh*le.


That's great. (message sends)


Come on, Bill.



I just... I copied the douche-boy by mistake.

(cell phone dings)



You're Shelli.


How are you?

Nice to meet you.



So very sorry about the douchebag.

No, I actually think it was, "Where is your douchebag English assh*le?"

I thought... although, I quite like douche-boy.

Um, is there anything we can do for you?

No, no, no, not at all.

I'm just very keen to get acquainted.

Well, then, Reg, I'm all yours.

As am I.

I'm actually looking for Phil.

♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪
♪ I see nothing ♪
♪ For miles and miles and miles ♪
♪ When I sleep in the evening ♪
♪ Oh, Lord ♪

Say, Phil?

This is Reg Whitehead.

Phil: Well, there's a name from across the pond.

Reg is from... sorry.


Holy shit.

That sounds like a hair care product.


Extantion's about forward thinking.

Bill: They're working with management now.


Are you busy in about 20 minutes?

Busy is when I'm asleep.

Busy's for amateurs.

I'm intensely occupied.

I haven't been busy in 20 years.

It's just that management's asked me to have a chat with everybody, you first.

I don't chat. I talk.

Well, Preston asked me to talk to you first.

Preston stayed home?


Enough with the contractions, son.

Deliver the baby.

Donna: Trouble?

It's never serious until Phil takes off his hat.

Mister, I'm not an egotistical man.

Donna: We're going hatless.

Milo: Take cover.

Save yourself.

(all gasping)

But when you're looking at me, you're looking at rock 'n' roll in America.

I can show you where B. B. King first picked up a guitar.

"Us and Them" was written at my breakfast table.

Every American show Pink Floyd ever played, I was standing at the side of the stage.

Roger Waters is a house guest of mine.

Ronnie Van Zant was the godfather of my son.

And if you f*ck with my crew, I'll take you down faster than a headless rooster at a picnic full of... hungry people!

Management wishes to inform you that you are under federal investigation for the re-sale of items left in storage units by victims of Hurricane Katrina.

You've already harmed this band's potential to travel overseas.

You are invited to leave the organization now.

Okay, now, this is all news to me.

I'm the tour manager, and let me just talk...

Oh, God! Down! Down!

(all yelling)


This way. Here we go, here we go.

Everybody get out of here.

Let go of it!

(Taser clicking)

God damn it, let me go!

I'll take you out like a g*dd*mn bitch!

You can't hide from me!

Head and the Heart, let's all, uh... let's all head back out on the stage.

Get your hand off my g*dd*mn d*ck.

♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪
♪ I see nothing ♪
♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪
♪ I see nothing ♪
♪ For miles and miles and miles ♪
♪ When I sleep in the evening ♪
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Only in dreams ♪
♪ She's only in dreams ♪


♪ Well ♪
♪ Well, my love ♪
♪ Been here before ♪
♪ Don't try to just do this again ♪
♪ We tried everything ♪
♪ Under the sun ♪
♪ Now I'm trying to wake up from this ♪
♪ I'm trying to make up for it ♪
♪ All we ever do ♪
♪ All we ever knew ♪


♪ La-la, la-la, la, la ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la, la ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la ♪


Reg: Guys, I know you've got a show to do, so I'm not gonna take up too much of your time.

(clears throat)

Three things that I am...

English... (chuckles)

Cheap, unsparing.

Look, most of you will need to either make less, take on more, or leave with a small severance.

We're already making less.

Listen, Reg, we have less than two hours to put this band on stage.

Brilliant, yeah, can't wait, okay?

This band who you all love spends too much money.

Well, that really worked.

You knew this was coming.

'Cause there's a new world.

There is no middle anymore.

You either make no money or you make a lot of money, and if you make a lot of money and you don't know how to take care of it, then you meet someone like me.

Oi, how many songs you got in your iTunes?

There are too many to count, of course.

And there's no need to mock my accent, all right?

That's out of order.

What kind of stuff?

Oh, thanks very much.

Um, good stuff.

Uh, we've got some Queen, the Munford Sons.

I've got lots of play mixes and...


Goodness me, that...


Now, I'm the first to admit, right, I'm more than familiar with the world of sports and real estate.

I come from order and structure.

Bill, I know that you recently asked management for a retainer.


And it isn't financially feasible at the moment.

Right, yeah, I was gonna tell you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, really?

I just didn't... yeah.

(both talking at once)

Let's discuss this later.

So are you two married?

together: No.

Reg: Look, Phil...

But, Reg, if I could just quickly say something...

Bill, Bill, Bill, I know.

I know Phil was a king. I understand.

He was friends with Mr. Pink... Pink Floyd or whatever.

It's never easy to let a king go, Bill.

Phil was being paid a lot of money to hug a lot of people and make them feel good about the old way.

Well, the old way is gone.

I'm looking for the new way. And we will find it.

Look, I don't work here, but you can't...

Oh, then what... then what are you doing here?

I came here to cry on as many f*cking shoulders as I could f*cking find.

Reg: Brilliant.

Yeah, what's your specialty?

Guitars, people, and coffee, in that order.

I like your passion. I do.

I do... I hope you stay. What's your name?


Kelly Ann: His name is Wes.

He's my twin brother.

You guys are twins? Wow.

Now I get it.

He's here 'cause he loves music, not sports or theme parks or...

Real estate. Yeah, I know.

I know, I know, I know. It's very different.

There's no difference.

You either love you what you do or you get the f*ck out.

That's all I have.

Doesn't that feel good?

Telling the truth?

I am interested in all of your personal truths.

But the first thing that you did was lie.

Wait, I didn't even speak to you.

How could I lie if I didn't even speak to you?

It's what you didn't say.

You acted like you were with The Head and the Heart.

I mean, lying by omission, that's the worst kind of lie, don't you think?

I'm about to use a really terrible word.

Get ready.

I'm here to protect the brand.

The Statton...


Staton-House Band is the brand that we all want to protect here, and a brand is a living thing.

It needs to be tended to.

It needs to be curated.

It might have started as poetry.

But this poetry, this music is disposable.

The same people that love this band now will dispose of them and you for something younger and sexier.

I know. I get it.

Everything feels like it will last forever!

That's not...

And then, suddenly...

Oh, dude. (indistinct murmurs)

He's back.


You're d*ad.

(imitates g*n)

Culture assassination.


You don't know the secret ingredient of the brand that you're trying to sell.

Maybe the brand isn't a brand.

Maybe it's a feeling.

Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix didn't die to become a crop top in Urban Outfitters.

In the short term, you will be a great success.

But in the long term, you better collect a few souvenirs, because one day, that's all you're gonna have.

Perhaps they haven't communicated the fact that I live to destroy everything that you stand for, and that is all I have.

Okay, thanks. Thanks very much.

(♪ soft guitar music ♪)




Shelli: You never say anything.

Bill: Listen, I can't tell you everything.

Then what is this?

I mean, are we even partners, or...

I'm sorry, you don't think I deserve a retainer?

Of course you deserve it.

Don't be an assh*le.

You don't think I want you to have...

Your husband has one.

Correct? Right?

Oh, so you're saying that's why I'm with Sean.

Because the truth is...

The truth is, you're not with him.

You're here, Shelli.

And I get to listen to you coo to him over the phone.

And then watch him never show up to see you.

Don't get mad at me.

Get mad at him.

And you haven't picked up a girl over the age of 19...


Since Lorraine left you.

And you're better than that.

Please don't mention Lorraine.

I can't do this.

I'm gonna go work for Taylor Swift.

Oh, the Planet Swift Tour.

Hey, guys, we lost another one.

Another Swift boat att*ck.

Good, go ahead.

There it is, your protective shield, the laidback thing.

Hey, my laidback thing is actually who I f*cking am.

That's why all the guys like me, right?


Oh, yeah, we were good together.

We never even fought.

Are you kidding?

All we ever did was fight.

It was just never like this.

Like this.


I'm sorry, okay?

I just... listen.

I was embarrassed to tell you, okay?

I got nothing except the half-finished dream house, of course.

But this is how they get the best of us.

We do anything they ask at a lower and lower salary because they give us the gift of knowing that we don't got to wake up tomorrow to the terror of going home to nothing?

But the music is good.

And you meet some great people.

f*ck all of them.


Still gonna quit?

(♪ solemn guitar music ♪)

Bill: Hey.

We didn't get you a cake 'cause we were all too busy.

Here's your mug back.


You were pretty good out there.

Sadly, I think a lot of us are gonna take his deal.

The assholes win again.


What about Phil?

Are you gonna fight for him?

You know, all I can think about is that sad hair under his hat.

I never wanted to see that.

Okay, well, I wouldn't feel too bad for Phil.

First, while gruff and loveable, Phil's a felon who's m*rder two people in his lifetime.

Second, he's already working with Taylor Swift for twice the pay and free legal, like Shelli.

But, you know, I'm cool.

And I'm gonna go back to my unfinished house.

So, you know, I'm fine.

Yeah, the... the... the dream house.

Yeah. Anyhow...



man: Red alert, Natalie Shayne is in the building.

Go to green. Go to level green.

Shit, our wonderful stalker's in the building.

(hushed giggling)

Kelly Ann: Yeah, well, I'm just f*cked up enough to take homegirl down once and for all.

Think you can finally catch her?

Hell yeah.

Okay, so do it, maestra.


Why couldn't that have been my nickname?

Oh, right, by the way, we... we were able to get you something.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

A corsage.

What a surprise!

Oh, man, that looks almost too good to eat.

Oh, yeah. That's good.

Milo: That smells fresh.

A work of art right there.

Now, what's your favorite pie?

Um, apple.

This is raspberry.


Would you mind getting a quick sh*t of this?



(♪ relaxed guitar music ♪)

There you go.

Hey, thanks.



Reg: Yeah, no, I think the thing is we're talking about two different things.

Sorry, could I call you back in two seconds?

All right, okay, bye. Hi.

Um, we didn't... you left before we could properly meet.

Yeah, that was the idea.

Look, you don't even know me.

How can you dislike me?

Most people wait until they know me before they dislike me.


Sorry, you've got...


Like, just a...

There's a little... I'm sorry.

There's a little bit more.



I gather that you're a first-rate... worker.

And I actually really appreciate your brutal honesty.

So I would very much like it if you'd stay.

I have a ticket to New York tonight.

There are so many secrets about this band and this crew that you will never know.

Will you tell me one?


(shuddering laugh)

(exhaling deeply)

(♪ bright rock music ♪)


♪ I'm one step closer ♪
♪ To open the door ♪


♪ I'm kicking it in now ♪
♪ Right onto the floor ♪


Kelly Ann: Christ on a bike.


Kelly Ann, hi.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, nothing.

You know, just looking around.

How are you?

Oh, my God, you look amazing.

How have you been?

I've been good, Natalie.

You know you got a restraining order out on you, right?

Oh, I know.

That was really stupid of me.

I don't mean to cause any trouble.

I just, like, love you guys so much.

I'm gonna have to ask you to put the microphone away and come along with me, in that order.

I know. I-I understand.

It's just that I was just with Dave Grohl, and he was with Lorde, and Ben Harper was there and Drake.


We all understand how you feel, Natalie.

With your free hand, could you just give me your laminate?

Oh, but it's my laminate.


Shelli: Go for Shelli.

I got her.

Shelli: You have eyes on SNS?

I'm with SNS.

Shelli: Really?

Yep, Tom's room.

Shelli: On my way.

God, Kelly Ann, you're such a buzz-k*ll sometimes.

You know that?

Why couldn't you just let me be?

Natalie, that is a very special microphone, and it was given to Tom by Bruce Springsteen.

I know.

It's the actual one from the "Dancing in the Dark" video featuring the very young Courteney Cox.

(laughing) Monica!

You know, they did, like, the...


You live for whatever you live for.

But I live for this band.

Look at you.

You're all stressed for no reason.

You should really listen to me, Kelly Ann.

I could help you... (giggles) .. to have some more fun in your life.

Come on. Put it back where it belongs.


Yes, Natalie.


Yes, Natalie.

Natalie, you know that's not the right thing to do.

You've got to put that microphone down, put it back where you found it.


No, that is not good.

No, no, no.


No, Natalie.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I got to say I'm impressed.

Could I stay for the show?

I'm sorry, Natalie.

We had to get a restraining order on your visits.

Shelli, did you see Natalie's new leopard print shoes?

I just got them.


Where did you get those?

They're really cute.

I got them on half price.



And now just your laminate, Natalie.





(♪ upbeat rock music ♪)

Puna, go to 4.

♪ Well, you're a loudmouth, baby ♪
♪ You better shut up ♪
♪ I'm gonna b*at you up ♪
♪ Well, you're a loudmouth, babe ♪


♪ Well, you're a loudmouth, baby ♪
♪ You better shut up ♪
♪ I'm gonna b*at you up ♪
♪ Well, you're a loudmouth, babe ♪


♪ Well, you're a loudmouth, baby ♪
♪ Loudmouth, baby ♪

Oh, shit.

You okay? She... she okay?

Kelly Ann.

You okay?

Shoulder okay?

That was pro style there, Kelly Ann.

That's how you do it, guys.

All right? She's fine.

Got her, Puna?

I still think you're a great kisser, Bill.

Natalie: See you in Atlanta.

Lights in 20.

Lights in 20.


I'll do it.

I'll be a manny for young Winston, aka the devil child.

God, I love you, Wes.

I am so glad you are here.

I thought you looked like a f*cking punk-ass child molester, but you turned out to be a star.

I am sorry I'm not better with compliments.

That's okay.

You are everything I expected from your sister and never got.

I know.

But have you seen her movie?


♪ Let me know if we're on ♪
♪ Let me know if we're off ♪
♪ Let me know ♪

Kelly Ann: See you, Gooch.

I already forgot you.


(♪ electronic pop music ♪)


♪ Thrown to the ground not a lover but a girl ♪
♪ Looking back at the days when I didn't know the world ♪


♪ I've been thrown by the wayside ♪
♪ Got dragged out by the riptide ♪
♪ Take me back to the daylight ♪
♪ I've been paralyzed by you ♪

I'm bored.

You're boring.

Shelli: I know.

Ugh, I'm bored.

Shelli: Our lead singer's adorable son.

Winston, Wes; Wes, Winston.

What's up?

What are you into, little man?

w*apon and sex.

I'm your guy. (gasps)

You're fired, hipster assh*le!

I love this kid.

Dude, I'm your manny.


Good luck.

man: New Orleans, we're The Head and the Heart.

Good night, everyone.

man: This is Kevin at the east gate.

The band is arriving.

man: Kelly Ann!

Sorry about Phil, but he did tell me everything you said about the show.

People tend to tell the truth when they got one foot out the door.

Thank you.

New set list.

We're gonna play some new stuff.

We're gonna open with "Janine" tonight.

But I've never heard you play "Janine" live.

Yeah, we never have.

Time to shake things up, right?


Yeah, yeah. Okay.

And we're gonna do "Letter from a Lover" tonight too.

We haven't played some of these songs in years.

We might really suck tonight 'cause of you.


You'll always be family.

Take care.

I love you guys!

(♪ solemn rock music ♪)

♪ Alone in a corridor, waiting, locked out ♪
♪ He got up out of there ♪
♪ Ran for hundreds of miles ♪


♪ He made it to the ocean, had a smoke in a tree ♪
♪ The wind rose up ♪
♪ Set him down on his knee ♪


♪ A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw ♪
♪ Delivered him wings, "Hey, look at me now" ♪


♪ Arms wide open with the sea as his floor ♪
♪ Oh, power, oh ♪


♪ He's flying ♪
♪ Whole ♪


♪ High, wide ♪
♪ Whoa ♪



I want my job back.

I'll do anything.

This ain't a good time to unquit.

The only reason I'm allowing you back into the Staton-House family is because you didn't abandon us for another tour.

Other than that, your bunk on the bus is gone.

And when we get to Memphis, you're gonna have to double up in the hotel room.






God damn it.

(cheers and applause)

man: You suck!

Kimberly: Over here, Bill.


(triumphant orchestral music playing)


all: Two, three, four, five.

(cheers and applause)



Opening with "Janine."

Yeah, and "Letter from a Lover"?


Something is in the air.





Oh, yeah.

I sold the dream house a year ago.

I know.

Figured you might.

(band playing rock music)


man: Ladies and gentlemen, the Staton-House Band.

(fireworks crackling)

Bill: God damn it! Firecrackers!

♪ Choked down the gateway drug ♪
♪ Opened the gates, in came the flood ♪
♪ It comes like a blush of love ♪
♪ It hits me without warning ♪
♪ Long nights of getting lost ♪
♪ I walk beneath the bridge I don't know ♪
♪ I need a black suit for tomorrow ♪
♪ I'm in mourning ♪
♪ My love, you should know ♪
♪ The best of me left hours ago ♪
♪ So shove it right into my mouth ♪
♪ And let me smolder ♪
♪ Fallout and the damage done ♪
♪ I can't unsing the things I've sung ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ I wish that I was sober ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
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