Shall we have a little chat about "the thing"?
Did you ever tell Roger about it?
Should I?
No, you wouldn't. No.
If you are found guilty of professional misconduct, you'll go to jail.
Do you remember, I was having memories of Al?
It's gone beyond memories. I've been seeing... him.
Seeing him? Where?
S02E05 - Kiss of Life
83.
Mr. Jackson?
Why am I here?
Uh...
'Cause I need to talk to you about something.
I see you on the boat every day!
Yeah, it's too tense there. I needed to talk to you away from...
Al?
No! Cheryl.
Oh.
I'm not really exactly allowed to socialize while I work, so why don't you just give me your license and I'll renew it, OK?
Oh, Jesus.
Can you just try and say "jeez"?
You think you can fool God?
He's omniscient.
I think He knows what it means.
Thank you. (sighing)
Cheryl's really upset about the whole Rafe thing.
Well, she should be. She abandoned her child.
No, she's upset with you.
What?
Read the letters in here, please.
You provoked a confrontation. She said it was aggressive and irrational.
I just...
Read the top line, please.
C... C...
E... D?
Wow.
You're blind, Mom. You're legally blind.
I have glasses, I just don't have them on me.
Yet you drove here.
I could have you arrested for that.
You just stick to the point.
Now, I may have unconsciously provoked her, it's true, but Cheryl is not my favourite person in the world.
She thinks you're crazy. Step over here, please.
What do you mean, crazy?
Just look right down the barrel here, and remember, no smiling, OK?
No problem.
Look, what you did, rooting through her purse, scheming, tricking her into a confrontation?
As if -her words-we were all unwilling participants in Davina's twisted reality show... that indicates some level of mental instability. Again, those were her words.
Orlando, I am not crazy.
I just don't like Cheryl.
I get that she's important to you, but she's just a girlfriend.
She's just an older woman friend, and as you know, these people come and go, so I will be civil and that is that.
And we'll just let this whole thing run its course.
OK?
Cheryl and I are getting married.
♪♪ Ooh, spell ♪
♪ Ooh, spell ♪
♪ I put a spell on you ♪
♪ Ooh, spell ♪
♪ Ooh, spell ♪
♪ Because ♪
♪ You're mine - Ooh, spell ♪♪
Roger.
Lenny.
You ready for this?
I can think of a few other things I'd rather be doing.
Colonoscopy, for example.
Nothing to worry about. These are the hands of a k*ller.
Lenny, are we... are we all right?
All right?
Well, I was thinking last night about when we were all in school, and I seem to recall there was a certain amount of teasing... all in fun, of course, but maybe once or twice we, uh, crossed a line.
Don't give it another thought.
In any case, I apologize.
Thank you.
You know, even if you and Scotty Anderson did cover my head in glue and pour glitter all over me, it doesn't affect my ability to defend you.
Ready?
So, the prosecution kept sending in these expert witnesses one by one, and Gimpy just ripped their heads off.
That's what he's supposed to do. This is Gimpy Gordon we're talking about.
Would you stop calling him that?
We used to laugh at him in school, remember?
Yeah, well, who's laughing now? Rhodes scholar, Harvard Law... he's got his name in the paper constantly.
I've had my name in the paper.
When you were indicted, Roger. For fraud.
That's not going in the family scrapbook.
Lenny seems convinced this case won't stand up in court.
Well, thank God for Lenny.
Why don't you come to the courtroom?
Don't be a baby.
Well, it's not like I'm on trial every day.
It is a bit fascinating.
Like a TV show. Aren't you interested?
I would think the entertainment value alone.
I don't find public shame entertaining.
Oh, hello! Hello there!
Uh, Cheryl, are you on board?
I am.
Oh, uh... do you have a minute for a chat? A normal chat, nothing weird.
OK.
Orlando thinks that there's still some tension between the two of us.
I don't think so.
Oh, good. Neither do I.
I think he just wanted me to make sure that everything's fine.
Everything's fine, right?
Yes.
Orlando is very sensitive.
Yes, he is.
And emotionally immature because of his... you know, childhood.
His godless childhood, is that what you mean?
No, of course not!
It's OK.
God was always there for him, even if his parents rejected Him.
We did not reject him. We showered him with presents.
If we did anything wrong, we smothered him.
God. You rejected God.
Oh! Yes, we did reject Him.
See, there again it sounds like I'm blaming you. I'm not.
It does sound like that, yes.
I'm not. I know you did your best.
Did you ever read...
Jesus Christ.
Oh, look, please...
God.
No, Davina...
I'm sorry, I can't.
I can't actually do this.
You know, Al and I weren't the greatest parents in the world, but we weren't the worst either. We loved Orlando and we tried as best we could.
But if you and Orlando don't want me at the wedding, if you don't want me in your lives, that's OK.
You do what you have to do. But frankly, I think Jesus would want me there.
(sighing)
This is Sweet, Sweet Music, JazzFM 98,
and you're riding the night train.
Do you hear that?
The mucus in the announcer's voice?
You can hear his lips smacking together.
You can't help but imagine the strings of saliva. It's making me nauseous.
You're making the dead nauseous! Swallow, for the love of God!
This is not a memory.
What, dear?
We never had this conversation.
No. No, we're having it now.
Ah.
I... I...I don't understand.
Well, I think it has something to do with love.
We loved each other very much, and that doesn't go away.
It bridges the dimensions.
Or I'm insane.
That's what she thinks.
Who?
Cheryl.
Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black!
Shh! You see?
It's weird that I should be shushing you.
It is weird, isn't it? But I suggest we embrace the weirdness.
Let's make it work for us.
Talk to me. Unburden yourself.
Hmm?
Well...
Orlando's getting married.
To a woman your age, I know.
Freud's up here, he's having a good laugh about it.
Hm!
That's the spirit.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, because she's a cow.
She's a holy cow, yes.
Well, tell her that Christians aren't allowed in.
Turns out the Mayans were the only ones who had it right.
I'm serious, she's totally judgmental.
And she's older than me. I think he could do better.
I agree. And you've got to get rid of her.
I... I don't know how to do that.
OK, I'll do it.
No!
No, you can't do that, you really can't. You're dead.
OK, but let me tell you something.
Unless you deal with this situation decisively and soon, there will be consequences.
Consequences?
Her presence on this boat.
It will have a detrimental effect on our relationship.
Our relationship?
Mark my words.
(smoke detector beeping)
(coughing)
(boat horn)
(traffic sounds)
So, you're hopeful.
I'm hopeful Led Zeppelin will reunite.
I'm absolutely sure I can get your husband off.
Why are you so sure?
Well, Roger was accused of off-sheet accountancy fraud. It's very complicated stuff.
It's the kind of thing Enron was doing.
Well, he was investment consultant of the year three years running.
It involves an accountancy tool called SPEs.
When I asked your husband what SPEs were, he thought I was referring to sunscreen.
God.
Thank you, Lenny.
You're staring at me.
Well, since I've had nothing but a yearbook photo since 1978, it's... kind of hard not to.
Well, so much has changed since that picture was taken.
The world is old.
We're still young.
I should go.
Yes, where to?
What?
For lunch.
No, I can't.
Why not?
Roger.
Don't tell him.
He's my husband.
Is that the husband who was your husband when I was your lover?
That was a long time ago.
It's a funny thing about memories.
The beautiful ones end up haunting you.
(dog barking)
Al is something your mind just manifests as until you can face your problems.
You're literally talking to yourself, Davina.
It doesn't feel that way.
But that's what's happening.
I like it.
It's comforting.
I get it.
I miss him so much.
I know. You've been under a lot of stress.
The first thing you need to do is relax.
Here's a quarter. Smoke before bedtime.
Thanks, Dr. Feelgood!
Say goodbye, though.
Out loud. You have to understand, this is a delusion that your mind has created because you don't want to move on.
I know.
Say goodbye to him.
He told me that I should get rid of Cheryl.
Al said that?
Yes.
No, no. You said that.
That was your idea.
Yes, right. God.
He's a good one. I wouldn't want a fundamentalist in the family.
That kind of sh*t ruins Christmas, for one thing.
But first you gotta get rid of Al. You can't possibly think straight when you're delusional. (barking)
Oh, Billy!
Oh God, why does he do that?
'Cause he's an animal.
I've seen a cat jump off a twelfth-story balcony to catch a pigeon once.
Well, that I can relate to. Come here.
Come, come. Billy!
Oh...
Camping trip, senior year.
Oh yes, that story!
When that canoe turned over, I thought I was done for.
Who'd even know I was missing? You know, Gimpy Gordon.
As I laid there, trapped, I suddenly felt something grab me by the scruff of the neck and drag me to the shore, and there I was, in a lip lock with a goddess.
I was trying to reinflate your lungs!
I wasn't kissing you.
No.
No, I had to wait ten more years for that.
Uh, Lenny, please...
Don't.
Why?
God, I just... I feel so guilty.
Because you made the wrong choice.
I loved Roger.
I... I mean, I love him.
Then why have you come back to me?
I came... to you because I don't want Roger to go to prison.
Darling, a paralegal could get your husband off.
And I think you know that.
This isn't about Roger, is it?
I can't.
I was surprised you called. The last time we met, we had a screaming fight on the side of the road.
Ah... I believe the city put up a plaque to commemorate the battle.
I'm sorry.
I'm carrying around a lot of anger and I have been for a long time.
I really thought we were in the clear. The mortgage is paid, the house in Muskoka, we had plans to travel, and then suddenly, out of the blue, without any warning, Roger goes off the deep end.
Well, he had a kind of awakening, really.
Whatever. He told me he didn't want his old life back. Well, I don't want it either.
What are you saying?
Davina, Roger's lawyer is Lenny Gordon.
His lawyer? Oh, my God.
Yes.
But does Roger know about the affair?
Oh God, no, and he never will.
Why is he doing it?
Lenny? Because I asked him, because he's the best, and because...
I was afraid I'd made a terrible mistake.
But that was years ago!
And you've made up for it since then. You worked really hard at your marriage.
That's the mistake I'm afraid I made.
I should've stayed with Lenny.
Oh, Ron...
What are you gonna do?
I don't know! I'm gonna do nothing! I can do nothing!
I've made my coffin, I'm lying in it and I'll be responsible.
So, Orlando's getting married.
Yeah.
What a waste.
Who? Orlando?
No, me, my whole stupid life.
(sobbing) Oh, Ron...
Oh, Ron, here. Screw the lunch.
What about something to drink?
Oh, please!
Yeah, um...
Anything.
Chardonnay?
Yeah.
Al?
Al?
This next cut is a live track. Full disclosure.
I was there at this December...
And if you listen carefully to the recording, you can hear my lips smacking together in the seventh row because I'm incapable of swallowing.
Al, please, I need to talk to you about something.
Where's the holy cow?
Well, she and Orlando are at a prayer meeting.
Of course they are.
I can't wait to give this person a piece of my mind.
You can't, Al, I told you.
This... this thing that's happening, it's impossible.
I... I have to say something to you.
What's the problem? It's like I have no role in this family anymore.
This is difficult, OK? Please.
You... have to...
What are you trying to say?
Well, I'm trying to say... (sighing)
Um...
Goodbye? Is that it?
Yes.
OK.
But...
I want a kiss first.
A kiss? What?
How can I...
I don't even know what I would be doing if I gave you a kiss.
Well, don't be thrown by the metaphysics of the situation...
It's the psychology that's disturbing.
Would I be kissing myself?
Just do it.
I don't know.
You've kissed me a million times.
This cannot be healthy.
Just one final goodbye kiss.
How can that be wrong?
Al...
Come to bed, it's late.
Soon. I'm just working on a couple of things.
Bits of legalese.
You know we're expecting a verdict tomorrow.
Oh? No, I didn't know. Nobody told me.
Well, you didn't seem very interested.
Of course I'm interested.
I'll come tomorrow, I promise.
Thank you. That would mean a lot to me.
Veronica...
I'm sorry for all this.
The things I did, the things I didn't do...
It's not all your fault.
I've done things, too.
What things?
I haven't always been... the best wife. I'm sorry.
You're an excellent wife.
All I could've hoped for.
Now go to bed. I'll be up in a sec.
Maybe I should just have a lobotomy.
Before you do that, hear me out. I saw this Dr. Phil episode once, and he said that in order to change your life, you need to make a list of all the things you wanna say goodbye to and all the things you wanna say hello to. Some deep sh*t.
Well, that sounds interesting, but...
Hey, hey, don't go thinking you're too good for Dr. Phil now.
Anyway, what he's saying is you gotta figure out what you want your life to be. You gotta know. That way, you can look Al deep in his eyes and say goodbye.
I... I tried that, and I failed in a weird and spectacular way.
We made out.
Jesus, that's some powerful delusional sh*t.
We made out for a long time, we had wine... he's not leaving.
You just weren't ready yet.
I love him.
Look, Davina, Davina...
He's already gone.
OK? You're saying goodbye to a deluded part of yourself that's f*cking you up, remember?
Why is this all so clear to you?
Well, you know, I've always been a sensitive type of brother.
Took a couple of psychology courses in university, so there's a pedagogical base there.
And I watch Oprah.
Oh.
(messaging signal)
Oh, sh*t.
What's going on?
Hello, Davina.
He pleaded guilty.
Pled.
Shut up.
What?
He confessed.
But why?
He did it for me, the stupid idiot.
I don't understand.
He overheard our conversation yesterday and he was up all night studying case law so he could be the prosecution's best witness.
Oh, Roger!
Oh, no!
It's a bit complicated, what I did.
It involves SPEs, special purpose entities.
It's where you move debt into a newly created company particularly for that purpose.
Enron did it. And I did it, too.
You see, I'm not quite as stupid as some people might think I am.
You cretin. Two years.
He's going to jail for two years for a crime he's too stupid to have committed.
Did you ever think of the consequences, what this might mean to me, to Veronica?
I did, actually.
Prick! You and your type, it's like high school! You don't think, you...
(groaning)
No! Oh, my God!
Come on!
(coughing)
All right?
Oh, Roger...
Why?
Seemed like the only way we can both be free.
Sometimes you've got no choice but to tell your love goodbye. Here's a little something to soften the blow.
What Roger did... it was noble.
He acted decisively.
Decisively.
And that's exactly what you're gonna do. Just knock.
Knock on the door.
OK.
Cheryl?
Yes?
I was gonna make some tea, would you like some?
No, thank you. I'm fine.
Orlando won't be back for an hour or so.
It might be a good time for us to, you know, chat, have a little bonding chat.
No, thank you.
Uh... Orlando told me that you think I'm crazy.
I'm not crazy. I'm...
I'm sorry about the whole Rafe thing. I was trying to help, honestly.
But in retrospect, I see that it was an aggressive act.
But it wasn't a crazy thing to do. It wasn't insane.
And I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Can we chat now?
No, I'm fine.
You are marrying my son! We must chat!
We don't have a choice.
Thank you.
You don't have to speak. I...
I just want you to see that I'm not a scary person.
Now's your moment, Dav. Tell her to f*ck right off.
I, um...
What was I saying?
Tell her!
We love our son, despite the fact he's a whiny mess, and we feel he deserves better!
I know...
And younger!
And substantially less Christian! Tell her!
I... I... I want to assure you...
f*ck you! We don't want you here! Get the f*ck out of our lives!
I am not...
Pack up your dogma and get it the f*ck out of here!
But before you do, let me tell you this. I know God, lady, we're very close, and he hates you. He told me...
Shut up!
Come with me.
What? What?
I'm just trying to motivate you. This is a serious situation.
We have to object to this union legally.
There must be some kind of form we can...
You have to go. You really have to go. No games.
What... what...
Al, I love you, I think about you constantly, I miss you so much, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Dav, I don't know...
Can't you see that you're hurting me by being here?
I...
You're hurting me, Al.
And if you continue to hurt me, I will resent you.
And then all the beautiful memories I have of you will be spoiled and everything will be about pain and loss all the time.
So you have to go.
Now.
Davina, I...
Goodbye, my love.
(sighing)