01x02 - Li'l Scarface

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Uncle Buck". Aired June 14 - July 5, 2016.*
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"Uncle Buck" - based on the 1989 movie of the same name - follows a fun-loving but irresponsible guy who needs a job and a place to stay. His nieces and nephew’s Nanny has just quit and his brother and sister-in-law need his help.
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01x02 - Li'l Scarface

Post by bunniefuu »

Did y'all like dinner?

I was nervous cooking it for you.

It was just frozen pizza.

Right. But I hooked it up!

Alexis: Yeah, the hot dogs and the Doritos were an inspired topping choice.

Ain't it, man?!

Yeah, and the contrast of the salt and the... additional salt was really good.

I'm so thirsty.

I can't get my shoes off.

Oh, hey, I'm gonna go, um, check on dessert.

And if you like this meal, you gonna love my breakfast meatloaf.

And the secret ingredient is more Doritos.

All: [Weakly] Yay.

Honey, Sunny Scout cookies?

We just had hypertension for dinner.

Well, it's been two weeks.

Maizy hasn't sold one box.

We can't get stuck with these again.

Remember last year's bug situation?

Uh, yeah, the cookies brought the bugs, the bugs brought the bats.

That sounds like - a terrible children's song, but that was our lives.


Honey, I've been trying to help her sell them all week, but she's just too shy.

You want to buy some cookies?

Do you want some cookies?!

[Gasps] Aah!

Stranger danger!

Stranger danger!

She came to my door!

Okay, I'll work with her tomorrow.

Y'all need to hurry up with that dessert, 'cause them hot dogs expire tomorrow, and I'm trying to get 'em out of me tonight.

Have you guys seen Maizy?

I can't find her anywhere.

Miles: Haven't seen her.

Buck, do you know where Maizy is?

Did you check the cabinet?

I'm being serious.


Baby, what are you doing in there?

I don't want to sell cookies.

Oh, honey, I know you're shy, but guess what.

That doesn't mean you quit.

We're gonna get through this, okay?

Yeah, you made a commitment.

Quite, Miles, or you're gonna finish those unicycle lessons I'm still paying for.

Didn't pull the ladies like you thought it would, did it?

No. But you know what will impress the ladies?


Lessons in the ancient art of karate.

No, you'll just use it for evil.

Don't even... you know it's true.

That's unfair... I can't even do karate, but you're letting Tia go see Chance the Rapper next weekend?

That's because her report cards always say straight A's.

Yours always say, "Please see us."


I don't know why Maizy's even in Sunny Scouts.

It's just a fascist army using their cuteness to conquer the world with diabetes.

But good luck.

The girl is right.

We do need to watch our sugars.

That's how Fat Marcus lost his big toe.

I don't even care about selling cookies.

I'm only doing it to win this cool cheetah necklace.

Ooh, you talking about the rose gold with the crusted-diamond eyes or something?

It's plastic.

And when you squeeze its nose, it goes, "Roar!"

I like that.

I'm gonna help you get that thing, girl.

In my old hood, - they called me the sales tiger.

I could sell anything.

I once sold a comb to your bald-head daddy.

I think we got this.

Yeah, I got a Saturday meeting today, so your bald-headed daddy is gonna take those cookies in to my co-workers and unload them on them.

Thank you, Daddy.


Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Honey, that's cheating.

So? I'm sorry, but growing up, I had to struggle for everything.

I've worked hard my whole life so my kids don't have to.

Preach on, brother.

Little Miss Private School don't know the struggle.

Careful not to over-foam your macchiato, Malcolm X.

Honey, listen to me.

Cheaters ruined it for me when I was a Sunny Scouts girl, and I will never forget it.

I was there for hours while Angela Miller's divorced mother let her tube top do all the work.

Baby, I was just a kid. I couldn't compete with those.

You can compete with those now, babe.

Honey, this isn't funny.

I had to deal with this every single year.

All I'm saying is I think it's important for Maizy to go out there, overcome her shyness, and collect her "No's."

Okay, I hear you. That's the right thing to do.

Okay, I'm gonna take her to the grocery store this afternoon.



She's not gonna sell those things.

I know. That's why I'm taking them to work.

Alexis means well, but she can be a little tunnel vision.

And Maizy's gonna end up stressed out and disappointed.

Well, let me take 'em.

Let me do my thing.

Let the sales tiger prowl.

Fine. Two things, though.

Don't be obvious, and, second, promise to never call yourself "sales tiger" again.

Mm, that's a promise I can't make.


Man: Side kicks are great, but, remember, attackers can come from any direction.

[ Grunting]


Can you keep it down? I'm trying to study.

Be careful. I could have k*lled you.

By screaming like a little girl?

No. Hyah!

With karate.

You know if you try using that against somebody, they'll just sh**t you.

No more insults.

Bring it.

Please. I have homework.

Why? You already have an "A" in cowardice.

Let's dance!

Hyah, hyah!


That hole was there before, right?

Hey, hey, hey, everybody.

My daughter's selling Sunny Scout cookies.

I got all your favorites here.

I got S'maples, Cheenos, Peanut Butter Up and Down.

Who's gonna get the first box? Come on.


Sorry, we're already tapped out.

So you're not gonna help me out?

And I buy every crappy thing your kids are selling.

Come on, Morris.

I bought that Hanukah back-scratcher from your kid, and you're barely Jewish.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Just because the boss comes in doesn't mean everybody has to stop having fun.

I do like a quiet space, though. Thank you.

Will, my daughter just joined the scouts, and we're selling cookies.

Everybody's been super generous.

No pressure.

Yeah, sure, Don.

Just come from the gym?


What are we gonna do?

We? There's only one butt that fits in that hole.

And it's yours, Cinderella.

Good luck.

Oh, no.

If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me.

In fact, it will be a pleasure to take the shine off your perfect daughter crown.

Don't even.

I've got concert tickets this weekend.

I have nothing this weekend.

So I can go to Dad right now.

Okay, okay, maybe we can work out a little detente here.

Absolutely. What is that?

It means we're gonna work together, dummy.

Look, we'll fix this ourselves.

I'm gonna go to the garage and get some Spackle, and you guard the hole.


I told you to guard the hole! What happened?

I was just cleaning up the edges!


Cookies. Got them cookies.

Would you like some cookies?

This spot ain't working.

We should set up outside a country club, tug on some of that white guilt.

They're just cookies, Buck.

We don't need to get all political.

She's fine selling right here.

You mean right here under the table?


Honey, come out. Come on.

This is getting weird.

Mommy, can we just buy the cheetah necklace?

No, baby.

I know this is hard, but it's important.

If you follow the rules and just do this, you'll be better off for it.


See? Look at that little girl.

She faces her own challenges, but she does it with her head held high.

Yeah, she walks with her head held high, too.


She's not following the rules.

She's a cheater!

We need to go over there and confront them right now.

Good luck, Mommy.



[Engine starts]

Hey, lady, I know you see me!

[Tires squeal]

Oh, no, she didn't!

[Shutter clicks]

Oh, God.

This is so unfair.

Yeah. It is unfair.

I'm gonna teach you a lesson your mama never taught you.

Don't hate the hustler. Get a better hustle.

Now, the key to moving these cookies is to build your operation.


Let me break it down for you.

You're the purple unicorn.

I'm the octopus with the top hat.

But does the purple unicorn have to talk to adults?

No. I know you're shy.

That's why you hire your crew, so you don't get any cookie crumbs on your fingers.

Now, let's go get you a crew.

Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch, ch-ch, ch-ch, ch-ch.

We in the game now.

First thing, if you want the best people, you need to be a provider.

Hey, girls!

Look! Candy!

Here, everybody, take some.

Buck: Then, once you've paid off your people, you look for the one that's holding out.


Make that one your muscle 'cause they know what's up.

Then you find a place.

You know, like a room or a garage where you can keep your product.

We'll call it a cookie house.

♪ Corner's trifling, shortie's here ♪

Next, you want people to know you've got the best stuff in town, so you give 'em a sample at no charge.

Call it a free taste.

It's all happening, unicorn.

And it's all yours.

This is amazing.

When do I get my cheetah necklace?

Well, first you get the cookies.

Then you get the power.

Then you get the cheetah necklace.

♪ Like Elliott Ness ♪
♪ I guess I didn't know the ledge ♪


Hey, sweetie.

Mommy's so sorry she's been so busy at work.

How are the cookie sales going with Uncle Buck?



So dealing with adults has become easier for you?


I'll take the S'maples.

Got change for a 10?

[Whispering indistinctly]


She says you can buy another box, though.

It's really easy now, Mommy.

Oh, look at you finding your voice.

Okay. Now, let's get serious.

Do you remember that cheater we saw the other day at the grocery store?

Uh, not really.

I know!

I can't stop thinking about it, either, Which is why I came to find you.

Mommy got a partial plate.

Uh, Mommy, you look like a Disney villain.


Oh, wait. The camera was turned around.

There it is... bam!

I have a friend from law school who works in the D.A.'s office, and he's gonna run the plate and call me when he gets a h*t.

Is that his job?

Yeah, that's his job... catching bad guys.

And that's what this guy is, a bad guy.

Maizy, why don't you go watch cartoons?


I was teaching her something.


You started with a lesson about selling cookies.

Now the D.A. is involved.

Is this even about Maizy anymore?

Cheaters need to pay.

And if you don't call them out, they're just as guilty.

And by the way, what's with the bags?

I...just came from the gym.

Well, why do you have two?

Because... I'm going back.
Man: So you picked at a hole and made it larger? Well, don't be intimidated. All you need is some Spackle, a putty Kn*fe, sand paper, paint brush, roller, a rolling pan, one can of primer, and a certified electrician.

We're gonna have to buy all this stuff.

I spent all my money on concert tickets. Do you have any?

Yeah, let me call my stockbroker.

I don't have any money... I'm 12.

But look, we got to do something quick, 'cause I had a close call last night.

Miles, why is this door locked?

I'm exploring my body.

Carry on.

We're gonna need help.

Preferably from someone with a debit card.


I don't know you.

Juice, Juice, they cool.

Uncle Buck, we have a little bit of a problem.

Yeah, we were in my room, and we sort of...

Uh, no specifics.

I don't want to be incriminated or forced to testify.

Okay, we have two friends who might have done some damage to their room.

And the friends need $75 to fix it.

Your friends' daddy gonna k*ll both of y'all.


I got you.

Which means you owe me a favor.

And when you least expect it, that's when I'm gonna come collect.

It just might be pie on pie night.

Because I like pie.

Now b*at feet.


I won! I won!

I went online, it said I made the 500 club.

I'm gonna get the cheetah necklace.

Look, now we got to expand on our operation.

Say we go down to the food court and sell some loosies and run Mrs. Fields on up out of there.

Nah, that's okay.

We don't need to sell any more.

I got the cheetah necklace! Yay!

So that's it?

We're really shutting down?

Oh, let her skip on. We got inventory to move.

Good. Because I just got a text from Little Boo Boo.

Someone's selling cookies in our territory.


Cookies! Got them cookies.

Excuse me, sir. Buy some cookies?

They're delicious cookies.

How you doing, sir?

Peanut Butter Up and Downs, man. Come on, man.

Excuse me, ma'am, would you like to buy some cookies?

I got a daughter.

She's in the car, I swear!


Uh, hey, buddy, you scared me.

No, you scared me.

Everybody talking about how some creepy dude running around selling cookies on the corner.

I'm in deep, Buck.

I still got Maizy's cookies, and I already bought $300 worth from my boss.

I can't sell them! I can't sell the cookies!

Baby, baby, baby, Buck got ya.

I'll buy your cookies.

Thanks, man.

40 cents on the dollar.

But we're brothers.

It's business.

I got a crew that will move all that product.

Crew? Product?

We're still talking about Peanut Butter Up and Downs, right?

I don't want you turning Maizy into Pablo Escobar.

By the way, where is Maizy?

She's no longer in our day-to-day operation.

Okay, this seems like it's getting out of hand.

You need to stop.

No, you need to tell wifey why you're slinging cookies out on the corner.

Okay. Let's calm down.

Maybe we'll go a little longer.

But swear to me you're not doing anything illegal because, apparently, Alexis knows the D.A.

I'm not worried about him.

Everybody has a cookie price.

And done.

I can hear Chance the Rapper already.

"Tia, come on stage and tell us your thoughts on global warming."

Sure, Chance.

That's gross.

Even your fantasies are lame!

[Electricity crackles]

You missed a spot.

What is that?

Oh, my God, it's a f*re!

I guess it was a big deal when we nicked that wire.

By the way, why do you have a f*re extinguisher in your room?

Other fires.

Well, that's it. We're done.

It's every man for himself now.

And I'm gonna tell you right now that I'm gonna lie, and I am good at it.

Look, I know this isn't the ideal collaboration, but we've come too far.

And if we can't fix the hole, I guess we have to make sure Mom and Dad never see this.

We're gonna k*ll Mom and Dad?

[Sighs] That's not what I'm saying.

I have another idea.

Thank God for same-day delivery.

We're just gonna pop in for some milk, baby.

[Gasps] Oh, hell no!

There she is!

Look, Maizy!

Let it go, Mommy.

Oh, I will... right after I snap her picture and report her to the Sunny Scouts disciplinarian board.

Is that even a thing?

I got ya, cheater!


Oh, my God!

I am so sorry.

I'm not the type of person who would ever att*ck the elderly.

Though I don't know that I can say that anymore, but I was just trying to teach my daughter a lesson, a lesson that admittedly got a little cloudy.

[Engine starts]

Um, Mommy, look.

Baby, why didn't you tell me we were parked in the handicap space.

How am I supposed to know? I'm just 6.

Alexis: I was doing the best that I could do under the circumstances.

I can't believe you accosted a woman in a wheelchair.

Me?! What about you?

I tried to pay for the towing, but the card was declined because of a large cookie purchase.

Don't turn this around on me, counselor.

Oh, ho-ho. Will, please, stop it.

You are a cheater.

Well, at least I'm not guilty of as*ault.


You're a cheater.


Cheating or as*ault, which is better?

What is wrong with this door?

It's okay. These are all my kids.

Look, I just peeped the prize table.

Top seller gets an iPad.

I bet that's ours.

This is nothing to be proud of, Buck.

If she wins, it means we cheated all these other girls.

Look, why you so mad at me?

You had a problem, and Buck solved it.

And did I get a "thank you"?


All I got was shade and a side eye.

This was supposed to be about Maizy.

The only reason we're here is because I don't want her to suffer for our mistakes.

So let me get this straight.

You only climb off of your high horse to push people out of wheelchairs?

My wife's got a point, Buck.

She's always got a point.

Point, point, point.

Stop it, you guys.

You need to come together.

You know, Tia's right.

I appreciate that, Miles.

I appreciate you back.

I don't know what's happening with you two, but it's creeping me out.

Woman: Okay, everyone, we sold a record amount of cookies this year.

So everyone should feel like a winner.


But there's feeling like a winner and then there's actually being a winner.

So now our top seller, who blew out our sales record seven times over, winner of a brand-new iPad, Maizy Russell!



In y'all's face!


Is this really happening?

Of course she wins.

That's the lady with the "handicapped" daughter?

Where's her wheelchair now, huh, lady?

This guy undercut my kid by selling cookies out of the box.

Lies! All lies!

Tia, go get the car started.

Everybody just settle down.

And you were selling cookies outside my office without a Sunny Scout present.

It has to be against the rules.

Somebody check the rule book.

Buck's right. Tia, start that car.

I don't even have my learner's permit.

I heard about her at the grocery store.

She roughed up a disabled woman.

Excuse me, at least the lady was actually disabled.

Don't go there with me!

Excuse me!

We did it the right way.

Excuse me!

Stop it!

I don't want an iPad.

I never even wanted to sell cookies in the first place.

Selling cookies is stupid.

I only like the Sunny Scouts for the outfits, the songs, and a chance to hang out with my friends.

But you guys made it not fun by making it all about sales and prizes!

I mean, you were basically pimping us out!

She's a little sponge, isn't she?

Now everyone in my family is mad at each other, and all I ever wanted was the cheetah necklace.

And I didn't even get that.


I know this is a bad time.

Technically, that iPad is still ours.

Wow! That wall has never looked better.

Yeah, you raised 'em right.

One day, that might be your head.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Sure. You, too, buddy.

Why not?

Remember, it's pie night.

Alexis: Hey, sweetie.

We're really sorry about what happened.

We got kind of caught up in everything.

We forgot about you.

I'm sorry.

I got a little carried away.

I let the sales tiger take over.

Maybe this will help you forgive me.

My cheetah necklace!



Did you trade the iPad for it?

Sure, we'll go with that.


And you know what else?

You overcame your shyness, and we are so proud of you.

Yeah, your speech was epic.

You let a room full of adults have it.

I did, didn't I?

And that's what makes memories.

Ohh! Oof!


Tia wanted to k*ll you guys.


[Doorbell rings]

Hey, miss lady from the thing.

Hello, Mr. Russell.

If you here about that iPad, it's too late.

We already got it registered and engraved.

Actually, we're here because we discovered some irregularities in Maizy's sales.

We hear you were very involved.

Okay, well, good luck trying to find somebody to testify.

We know the D.A.

Oh, no, no, no.

We were just going to ask you to run the next cookie drive.

Oh, well, well, come on in!

Let me introduce you to the sales tiger!

Should we talk by the pool?

You got your suit?

'Cause we all grown. It don't matter.

Oh. [Chuckles]
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