04x09 - Rubbing Our Clips

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Inside Amy Schumer". Aired April 2013 - June 2016.
Amy Schumer switches from sketches, doing stand up, to interviewing people on the street and people of interest usually following a certain theme.
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04x09 - Rubbing Our Clips

Post by bunniefuu »

Tonight, on the "Inside Amy Schumer Reunion"...

What was that just now when I just said it to Andy Cohen?

A lie?

You mix reds and whites.

I've got your infection right here.

No, I do not wanna have brunch, thank you for asking.

Hey, everybody, I'm Andy Cohen.

And I'm here with the beautiful and beguiling ladies of "Inside Amy Schumer."

You all look so amazing and classy and stunning.


Hi, Amy Schumer.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Amy, I love your hair, very Barbarella.

Oh, thank you, um... I wanted something different and, um... With my new line coming out. And my name was almost Barbara.

So that's a very funny you mention that.

'Cause my line is coming out.

Hi, Kim Caramele.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Gosh, supervising producer, writer, Amy's sister...

Look at you. You look like a princess.

You look like Kate Middleton.

Thank you, but, like, what I always say about that is just, like, I just do me.

And then that's it, like, I do me.

I've literally never heard you say that your whole life.

And, like, I've known you your whole life.

Oh, do you have ears?

'Cause, like, I just said it to Andy Cohen.

What are these on my head?

Check the tape, check the tape.

What are these on my head? Check the tape.

Check the tape. What are these?

Check the tape. Check the tape.

What are these on my head? Check the tape.

They're ears.

Greta Lee, you've been on the show every season.

Yes, but I've yet to be paid for any of my appearances.

But on the plus side, you are Asian.

Hi, Bridget Everett.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Bridget Everett, you are a socialite, you're a debutante, you're a g*dd*mn legend.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Hi, Amy Schumer.

Hi... Andy Cohen.

Are we still doing hellos? I thought...

Oh, yeah, the hello's on reunion shows last for about half an hour.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Well, this show is only a half hour, so, like, let's move it along.

Oh, okay.

Listen, let's take a look at some of the most memorable moments from the first three seasons, watch.

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer, and I'm proud to say that I'm a feminist.

That's why today, I'm hosting my very own g*ng bang.

If nobody needs anything else, honey, I'm gonna head upstairs.

Start lubing up so you can blast my dirt (bleep) with your thumb while you lobster hand me in the (bleep), okay?

And then you can while I call my mom, mwah.

God? For me to undo your herpes, I'd have to k*ll off an entire village in Uzbekistan.

Yeah, whatever you think is best, do it.

I really need to stop making so many white girls.

I'm going to get my dildo.


First of all, no one feel any pressure to unload everything.

This is just a case of slut shaming.

But this slut is not ashamed.

Heading to the can. Gonna make some room.

My boner just got a boner.

Amy, I'm Willenby, your royal attaché.

It's time you knew the truth.

You're not a disgusting, filthy commoner at all.

You're a princess!

A princess?


Girl, you don't need makeup You're perfect when you wake up...

Excuse me, shoppers.

Amy is the prettiest customer we've ever had in here.

Oh, my God, I look so great with bangs!

I know, right? Ahh!

In every actress' life, the media decides when you finally reach the point where you're not believably (bleep) anymore.

Who tells you?

She's built like a lineman and she has cabbage patch-like features.

Her ass makes me furious!

I'd give that ass a... four?

Really good tits, but her face was just okay.

I got no damn arms!

Have you always been a (bleep) trash heap?

You guys want some of this here burrito?


Burrito? No.

When I said, "I want a ton of soy sauce," what you heard was, "I want... two soy sauces"?

My dream for the future is right now that somebody brings us some curly fries.

Just soak up all the booze.

We're just like drinking and it's like, ugh, perfect storm.

I was cyberbullying my niece on Instagram the other day, and I literally ate 15 mini muffins, I'm so bad.

(bleep) you, I'm a (bleep) cow.

Indian people are trying to worship me.

I sleep standing up in a field.

Happy birth...

Amy! When did you get back from Iraq?

This isn't working for me.

I think we should see other people.

This is so the universe telling me, Girl, just, like, keep (bleep) your married boss, right?

I'm not asking that you (bleep) bang me in the back of my Tercel like it's 1997.

I'm just asking for a chance to make a difference.

These are the best years of your lives because you're (bleep) losers!


Women are funny, women are funny.

I am not my (bleep) mother!



Ooh! Oh!



Cocaine is the cat's pajamas!

It's gonna be a t*nk night, girl.

You know what? Round of drinks on me.


Amy, Amy, Amy...

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

So let's raise a glass...


Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

Milk, milk, lemonade Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk, lemonade 'Round the corner fudge is made Milk, milk, lemonade 'Round the corner fudge is made What I gotta do to get that (bleep) in my mouth?

You guys don't even know I'm cooler.

Ah! Oh!

I am a good person.

I like this good show.

Last time I checked, good plus good did not equal guilty.

Now let's get out there!

Clear eyes, full hearts.

Don't r*pe!

We're doing God's work.

Okay, Mavis L. from Rancho Cucamonga writes, "Amy, why do you talk about your p*ssy so much? Are you scared we don't believe you have one? We get it. You're disgusting."

I have to say that I have no idea what that is in reference to.

Uh, you know.

No idea.

You know. We all know.

I have literally never in my life said that word before, so...

What did you just say?!

I said you're delusional! What did you just say?

Say it to my face! I said "You're day-loo..."

I said you're delusional!

You don't even know what delusional means!

You don't know what it means.

You don't know what anything means!

I'm not delusional.

Yeah, you always take her side!

No, you know what? I can't, no.

Sit down.

Good, good, walk out like you always do.

I'm not, I'm not.

Walk out like you always do.

No, because you know why I'm not?!

Because, because you know why I'm not!

And what you wrote is very hurtful to me.

I didn't say anything!

It's very hurtful to me! Prove it!

I didn't say anything!

Sit back down, Amy.

Okay. Come back.

Sit down, Kim.

Amy, are you seriously saying that you've never said the word "p*ssy"?

Andy, on my life... never!

Never have I ever said that word on my life.

On my children's lives!

On my children's children's lives.

Never have I said that word.

That's family, and you don't do that to family.

Wait, are you saying your p*ssy is family?

She knows what I'm talking about.

Nobody knows what you're talking about!

You know what I'm talking about! -Nobody knows!

Nobody knows.

Okay, well, let's see what everybody is talking about.

Take a look.

Close your eyes. Okay.

Give me your hand. Mm-hmm.

Guess where your finger is right now.

My p*ssy.

My p*ssy tastes like nothing.

'Cause I ate p*ssy for breakfast.

I hope this kid's ready to (bleep) a ton of p*ssy.

Pussies. p*ssy.


Stop talking out of your p*ssy right now.

If my p*ssy had a voice, it would sound like Terry Gross with just a mouthful of crackers.

My character has a p*ssy.


Can you not say... p*ssy?

My p*ssy's (bleep) magic With a p*ssy on it.

I don't see what's so hard about... just saying "vagina."

Will this fix my garbage p*ssy?

Are you that girl from the television who talks about her p*ssy all the time?


Kinda seems like you say "p*ssy" a lot, Amy.

Thank you.

I see why you would think that.

And I, I want to "sincereiously" apologize to my fans if that's what they thought I was saying.

But I have grown a lot.

This has been a journey with me and God.

And everyone at the precinct near my house.

And I know what's in my heart.

And it is my p*ssy.

Okay, I mean... and, and I do, I do wanna say this.

I do wanna say this about Amy, okay?

I know that we have had our differences.

And I know that she knows that I do hate her.

Okay, but she also does say that, like, she has a good heart.

Okay, and she says she has a good heart and family is family.

Thank you for saying that.

Family is family.

Family is family.

Family is family.

That's nice, that was kind of you.

We'll be right back.

When we come back...

Also, I've never seen you eat food in your life.

We are back with the "Real Ladies Inside Amy Schumer Reunion."

And we're joined by some very special guests.

Kevin Kane, your supervising producer, and you're also Amy's creative partner and best friend.

And also you look like Kurt Russell if his mom did it with a Kennedy, but, like, one of the Florida Kennedys?

Yeah, I get that a lot.

And Sean Penn.

Uh, Andy C. from Manhattan writes on this index card that I'm reading from, "Why are you so mean to Amy, Kevin?"

I would say to Andy C's face that I'm not mean.

I am just an honest person, and I tell it like it is.

And I know how Kevin treats me when we're alone and it's nobody's business.

That's right, it's nobody's business.

No, we love each other.

I wouldn't say that.

You know, I would say, like, a moderate like.

Okay, well, let's see what you did say.

Take a look.

Do we really have to do this?

Yes, we're not communicating, we need help.

We're not communicating?

Yeah, we're not communicating.

I don't even know what you're saying right now.

What are these, Kevin?

I don't know, what are those?

They look like clown panties.

Why are there clown panties crumpled up in our hallway?

Are those not yours?

I'm gonna pee so I don't get a UTI again.

Wait. What?

Risk it.

I had an orgasm, probably the biggest one I've ever had in my life.

You Phil?

I didn't, I didn't even come close.

Nobody touched me.

I went to the bathroom at one point.

You guys didn't even realize.

No, it's too late, Phil!

He never has sex with me, like, at all.

It's because I don't want to.

And Amy, how does that make you feel?

That makes me feel unattractive, Chrissy Teigen.

I definitely don't think she's protagonist hot.

"Honk, honk," that's the type of shit you text to a clown Oh! you are (bleep)!

I can't believe you took my phone!

You work with someone at Deloitte & Touché named Sparkles?

Yes, Sparkles Biederman!

He's been there for years.

He's Dutch.

Can you smell this?

Ew, no, oh... Can you smell? Smell.

Oh, my God, no, stop!

I just wish you hadn't been yelling, "This feels so right."

How do you know I wasn't talking about you?

This feels so right with you, Phil!

Phil, Phil, Phil!

I'm penetrating Phil!

I'm so sorry.

Get out.

I just, I get so scared of losing you.

I know, I know, I know.

How gross, it's a dick.

It's Kevin.

Oh, that was hot as shit.
Hey, Dan Powell.

Hey, Andy.

Executive producer. I love that tight V.

You're really pulling it off.

Thanks. You know I like the V.

Dan, your fellow executive producer and head writer for the show, Jessi Klein, couldn't be here tonight because she is in prison.

On a happier note, here's someone who could always bring a smile to anyone's face, writer, performer, and producer in name only, Kyle Dunnigan.

How you doin', Andy?

Kyle, people aren't always just laughing at you.

Sometimes they're laughing with you.

Take a look.

I'm gonna be this huge rapper with lots of money and fame.

And you're, like, in this bed acting a fool.

I don't think I can do it.

This is a magical story.


(bleep) you, Kyle.

Just relax.

Stop trying to make me laugh with your snorting, you piece of (bleep).

All right?!

I love the Latina body.

The big ass and the flat chest.


In your nose.

In your nose.

You'll always be my little baby, baby girl.

It's (bleep) bullshit.

Coming up next...

You got no class!

I pay my bills. Clean up on aisle slut!

I pay my bills!

You can't pull off a neck tattoo.

I pay my bills!

You can't pull off a neck tattoo.

I pay my bills!

Hey, why don't you slip into something more comfortable? -I pay my bills.

Like a coma.

Welcome back to "Inside Amy Schumer," the contractually obligated clip show.

Wow, it's been a great way to end the season, Amy.

Is this the last episode? I thought we were...

Don't we do 10?

Uh, no, uh, I guess you wouldn't.

Remember when you said you'd wanna only do eight and phone in the ninth, remember that?


Anyway, it's sad to say good-bye, I guess.

But before we go, Amy, you have some new projects coming up.

You're keeping busy.

Yes, Andy, thank you very much.

Um, please sign up for my class at the Learning Annex.

It's called, "It's Your Pee."

"Make It So."

All right, and I am guest bartending at McFadden's both on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and they will add Thursdays if people turn out like they keep promising.

Okay, and then also my line, my makeup, as everyone knows.

It is a non-organic, um, makeup line.

It's tested on animals.

No, it is not tested on animals!

No, it is not, it is made...

From animals.

Okay, made from real animals and then, and then tested on animals.

And Kevin is coming out with his own condiment called Kevin's Condiments.

It's mayo, ketchup, mustard all in one.

I know, I'm saying it.

Anyway, my makeup line is called Totally Amy.

And it's all about being real and keeping it real.

And it is really made from animals.

Nice. Are you wearing some now?

No, gross.

Well, Amy you don't just have a remarkable rapport with everybody here except your sister.

You also can talk to the man on the street.

Let's see what I'm trying to awkwardly set up, take a look.

I really don't like to dance out on the street, but, what?!

What do you call that?

I dropped something.

Do you like when a girl has an accent?

Yeah. What about English?

How does that sound?

It sounds like this!

Oh, no, that's all right.

Have you ever shopped online when you were drunk or high?

I bought a, um... a star, like, you name a star after you?

I'm not joking.

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

It's horrible, right?

I was just saying how glad I was that I wasn't drunk doing this interview, but now I'm, like, I wish I was drunk.

People usually need a couple drinks just to get through a conversation with me.

Are you high?

Yeah, hell, yeah.

Have you ever had a one-night stand?

Okay, have you ever not had a one-night stand?

Yes, I have had a one-night stand.

I had, like, a one-afternoon stand.

And then I couldn't find him, but, you know... -Okay.

Yankee Stadium is so big.

p*rn. Oh, yeah.

I didn't even ask anything.

Don't worry about it, it's fantastic.

I'm Taurus, so I'm kind of a sensual lover.

I'm really passionate.

Did you guys just hear that? My underwear just fell off.

I like a great sense of humor and, like, some wit and some intelligence, I don't know...

Flick your tongue very quickly.

If he's uncut and the skin covers the tip of the penis when he withdraws the penis, he becomes very sensitive so...

What do you see?

A vagina, maybe.

Come here, come here, that was right.

Have you ever had Ambien sex?

Is that with, like, lights and shit?

I don't remember.

You have to be real careful not to do drugs and black out 'cause you could wind up with your own mother(bleep) TV show!

When we come back...

Gucci, you're a writer and producer on the show.

They all are.

Gucci's the head writer, though.

Yes, you were the head writer.

Okay, here's something we hastily edited.

Cece, you're six years old.

Yes. Let's talk about it.

How would you describe your style?

Sometimes when I have to go to special places, I have to wear dresses.

But I don't wear them very often.

I had to do it when I went to this wedding.

You had to wear a dress?

Yes, I did not like it.

What... you don't feel like yourself in it?

I don't like doing it because... you always trip in them sometimes when you run.

And I have to run a lap every day, and I also don't like skirts.

I heard that you changed how they're running Legos.

Mm, maybe.

You didn't like that the girl Legos didn't do any actions.

And so you would take the heads off the girls and you would put them on the guys' bodies.

Uh, yes.

And I heard that you wrote a letter, and that they changed and made it so that the girl Legos do things.

Yes, I think so.

That's pretty cool.

Do you know that you're super cool?


Well, I'm telling you, it's a fact.

We are back with "The Real Ladies of Inside Amy Schumer Reunion."

Kim, how does it feel to see your sister again?

Is it weird?


Amy, weird for you?


Well, can you at least explain what happened between the two of you?

You used to be so close.

What's up?

That guy Bobby just text me.

The one who wouldn't hook up with you 'cause he said you look like his mom?

No-no-no, Bobby's the one I like really, really, really, really like.

What should I do? Just be yourself.

All right, love you.


Did Bobby Skeltis ever end up letting you have sex with him?

Why? No.

Laura just told me he has herpes.


Oh, I have to jump, my husband just drew me a bath.

Okay, love you, bye... hello?


Did you let me order a Russian Muppet when I was on Ambien?

Yeah, remember you said you wanted to get your dick wet but you're too famous for Tinder now.

What should I do?

Uh, I, I don't know. Look, I have to go.

We're cuddling and watching "Splash."

Ooh, "Splash."

What channel?


I miss you so much.

I miss you so much.

My whole family.

I miss you so much. I love you.

Come here.

I miss you the most. Come here.

Come here.

It's so good to see you two make up.

Wow, I think we worked through some drama here tonight.

Ladies, thank you so much.

And thank you to everyone watching at home or...

Who are we kidding? On your phone while you're hiding in the bathroom from your families.

Have a great night. Thanks.

Come here, come here.

I love you.

Thank you, ladies.

We love you, Andy. Thank you, ladies.

Thank you.

Andy, would you ever?

No. Okay.

As far as just... No.

I'll give you a transition.

Okay, I wanna change gears.

That's a classic.

Why don't you put it in your food blog?

And then everyone can read about it.

You know what? I will, thank you for that idea.

Thank you for that idea. Thank you 'cause I will.

Okay, I will. Yeah.

Congratulations on your food blog.

Thank you, I worked really hard on it, so thank you.

Then maybe you don't exploit your friendships and your family!

So easy.

Mmm, magic.
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