01x04 - Brothers

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Uncle Buck". Aired June 14 - July 5, 2016.
"Uncle Buck" - based on the 1989 movie of the same name - follows a fun-loving but irresponsible guy who needs a job and a place to stay. His nieces and nephew’s Nanny has just quit and his brother and sister-in-law need his help.
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01x04 - Brothers

Post by bunniefuu »

What doesn't k*ll you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller

[Vacuum whirring]

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪
Why doesn't k*ll you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

[Music stops, vacuum powers off]

Oh, no. My jam.

Man, this is more embarrassing than the time I caught you watching "The Notebook."

He wrote her a letter every day.

I challenge you not to cry at that.

Why are you here? I thought you were supposed to be in the city tonight with your friends, like, all day.

Like... until 11:30?

Man, I tried. They're boring.

Always the same conversation.

"Buck, where's my money?" "Buck, give me my money." "Buck, don't run. I know where you live."

Say what?

Anyway... I see you got a party coming down the pipeline.

Uh, it's not a party.

Just more like a boring work thing.

I'm trying to get in with this group from the office.

They get all the best projects. They're kind of the A-team.

And you want to be the Mr. T, 'cause you're the only black guy.

I got you, 'cause this party's gonna be off the chain!

[Laughs] Yeah, yeah, or it could be on the chain.

Or, better yet, no chains.

How you gonna be Mr. T without no chains?

You smart about some things, and you dumb about others.

[Heavy D's "Mr. Big Stuff" plays]

I'm the overweighter, prince dominator MC
Heavy D, constant weight gainer

Ah, look. Better already, huh?

You can't lose with old school, am I right?

I will stay this way so that I can bruise ♪ - Absolutely.

Oh, yeah
MCs around, who front and frown
You go round for round, I go pound for pound ♪ - [Vacuum whirring]

At the end of the party when you're sayin' good night
Don't come to me and say, "Take it light"

Buck absolutely cannot be here tonight.

You did tell him it was a work thing, right?

I said the word "work" twice.

I really don't think he knows what it means.

[Sighs] That's the one four-letter word he won't use.

This is bad. Buck and my job just don't mix.

If I can get on this team, it'll really help me make my mark.

But if Buck's around, he's gonna burn my chances with a blowtorch and a bottle of Crown Royal.

Both of which he has in his room.

Mom, I'll go to your banal sorority mixer this afternoon, even though I am morally opposed to exclusionary organizations.

I'll tell you what she's not opposed to... a thesaurus.


And can you please tell Maizy to stay out of my makeup?

Don't hate.

Alexis, I thought you didn't like that sorority.

Why are you doing this?

This alumni chapter is filled with successful women that could help with my foundation.

I thought I'd pop over and then come back for the party.

I'm ready.

Uh, does no pants mean you don't want to go?

You only said dress shirt.

You did not say anything about pants.

I can't read minds, you know.

I think you can. What am I thinking now?

I'm gonna go get some pants on.

Tia, go help Maizy with her face.


Did you see the makeup?

I saw the makeup.

Check it! For the party, I got Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor on vinyl.

That will slap the nasty right into that crowd!

You hear me?

No slapping, nasty or otherwise.

Oh, my gosh!

Buck, I totally forgot I have tickets for Ipix tonight.

Ipix? Is that the place where you can eat coconut shrimp and watch the movie at the same time?

Exactly. What do you think about taking the kids during the party?

White people serving me coconut shrimp while I watch a movie?

Hell yeah.

That's what Dr. King fought for.


Aw, there you go, Buck.

You are a genius.

[Chuckles] Yes, I am.

I'm gonna go get those tickets.

I'll go get Buck Maizy's coloring book on Dr. King.


So, what chapter are you from?

Oh, um, Epsilon.

We just moved to Chicago, and I just wanted to reconnect.

Oh, well, you know... Once a soror, always a soror.



Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[Both laugh]


Okay, I'll be in the car.

Tia, don't be rude.

Theta Sigma Nu promotes tolerance, charity, and sisterhood.

Is that Alexis Smith?

Oh, God, not that bitch.


Together: Hi!

[Both chuckle]


[Chuckling] Wow.

Mommy, why are you using the "sistah girl" voice?

Hush, boy.

I didn't know you were in Chicago.

Yeah. God, I haven't seen you since college.

I'm so glad your face finally cleared up.

So, these must be your adorable children.

Oh, yeah. This is Maizy and Miles and my oldest... Tia.

Well, these are my children... Jason and Jen.

Hi. Well, you know, kids, your mom and I went to college together.

She was our chapter president at Spelman.

And I'm the chapter president here, too.

Oh, well, look at you go!

Oh, let's look at me.

[Both laugh]

Oh, kids, your mom was so cute back then.

And sturdy.

I think we even had a little nickname for you.

There was no nickname.

Oh, there was. We called her "Mascot."

And you used to do the silly little dance.

Do you remember?

No. There was no dance.

Oh, do the dance, Mascot. Do the dance! Do the dance!

Do the dance!

Mascot, you have to do the dance.

I would do the dance if there was a dance, but there was no dance.

Wait till we get home.

So, what brings you out of the woodwork?

I run a nonprofit for at-risk teens, and I just thought maybe the Thetas would want to get involved and help a sistah out.

That sounds interesting.

Though we really prefer a sister to show a little commitment before adding to the agenda.

Well, what can I do to show that I'm committed?

Family lip-sync battle?

Why? Just, why?

It's their big fundraiser. All we have to do is show our faces, pretend to sing, and get on the agenda.

It's not like we have to win or anything.

Good, 'cause someone said Holly's family has won three years in a row.

Holly said that a lot.

Let's just try to enjoy this, guys.

The flier says it's funky-fresh family fun.

What you just said makes me want to funky-fresh walk into traffic.

Honey, the party seems to be going well.


Ooh, Peter's really packing down those crab cakes.

Uh, he's in for about a pound of the jumbo lump.


I've got him just where I want him.

Watch me work.

Work it, baby.

Another seasonal microbrew, Peter?

Well, I shouldn't, but I absolutely will.

Come on, now.


So, be real with me. How do I get on the team?

Well, you are one of the three candidates being considered.

But, you know, if you really want to seal the deal...

[Door opens]

...all you have to do...

Guess who's back?!

No. No!

Ah, ha ha!

What happened to the movies?

There was an incident.

Yeah, I had a, uh, coconut-shrimp-eating contest with Maizy...

And I threw up a little.

And I won... a lot. [Laughs]

Okay, kids, I think it's bedtime. Let's go.

Yeah, y'all go. Come on, come on. Go and get in bed.

So, B-Buck, uh, you want to help Alexis with the kids?

Oh, no. Y'all need my help here.

Give me a bottle of tequila so we can turn up!


Pete, this is my brother Buck.

Buck, this is Peter.

You like to get liquored up?

Sure, yeah.

[Hip-hop music playing, crowd chanting "Buck!"]

If I get it in the cup, somebody got to take their top off!

[Crowd "Oohs"]


I'm lookin' at you, Sheryl.


Hang on. You don't have to do that.

Uh, can somebody get Sheryl some coffee?

You okay, Peter? You look a little squirrelly.

To be honest, I chased all that baked Brie with the Crown Royal your brother gave me.

It's not ideal.

I'm sorry.

Buck can be a little over-enthusiastic.

No, he's awesome.

Hey, this is the most fun I've had since my divorce.

Yeah, I'm just gonna redirect you here, Peter.

You were mentioning some tips about getting on the team?

Uh, right. Yeah, just talk to Diane.

She's the decision-maker.

Diane. I've only seen her in the hallways.

Is she approachable?

Well, she didn't come to your party.


Hey, tomorrow night, we're going to the Bulls game.

Yeah, uh, company's got a box. Diane will be there.

You can ride with Buck.


You've already invited Buck?

Hey, look!

Who wants to see me jump off the balcony in the pool?!


Oh, I would very much like to see that.

[Music continues]

You crazy, Big Pete.

I got to clock back in, Big Pete.

All right, Pete.

That was Pete.

I gathered.

Hey, um, you sure you want to go to the game tonight?

I mean, you'll be kind of out of your element.

What?! Basketball, free booze, them little, tiny hot dogs?

Seems like my element to me.

These are my colleagues, Buck. Not some dudes from the bar.

Are you saying I'm not good enough to hang with your work friends?

No, I'm saying it's a professional situation, not the rebirth of Freaknik.

Hey, I brought it last night.

What you brought was chaos.

I found a bra in the microwave, and Eric peed off the roof!

Hey, you should be thankful. 'Cause if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't even be going to no basketball game.

Do me a favor.


Just stay home.

I don't work for you.

Technically, you do.

Alexis: Hey, guys, come take a look at this!

I told you, homeboy
You can't touch this
Yeah, that's how we living, and you know
You can't touch this
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Too light, can't touch this

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

Yeah, we outta here

Wow. Looks like you guys are having a good time.

I kind of am.

But do not post this on Facebook.

Too late.

And some of the comments have not been kind to you.

But they love my moves, though.


You looked like you were just flapping your arms to me.

Maizy, are you trying to say that Miles ain't good enough to be in a contest with you?

I bet that really hurts your brother's feelings.

Miles: I don't care about her opinion.

I've seen her eat a dog biscuit.

I think what Maizy's saying is, Miles is invading everybody's space and should stop flapping his arms and stay in his own lane.

I'm being misquoted.

Miles, do your thing.

If she don't like it, she don't have to go to the Bulls game.

Okay, guys. [Claps] Let's take a five, okay?

You two, over here. Please.

Now, I don't know what's going on with you two, but you're stepping all over my funky-fresh family fun.

Talk to him.

No, talk to him.

No! Neutral corners.

Hey, Mom, that Holly lady from your sorority tagged us in a video.


Crowd: [Chanting] Go, Mascot!


Go, Mascot! Go, Mascot! Go, Mascot! Go, Mascot! Go, Mascot!

You lied. There was
a dance.

You look like a broken puppet.

I was just having fun with my friends.

Oh? Where are they? Behind the people pointing and laughing?

You don't know fun when you see it.

Go, Mascot!


I was awkward, pudgy, and wore Hammer pants way past Hammer Time.

But it was a flattering cut on me!

I was mad when you sold your Hammer pants at that garage sale.

Baby, she made college miserable.

She wrecked my self-esteem.

But I am not "Mascot" anymore.

I am a strong, confident woman, and she cannot bring me down!

That's right, baby. Rise above.

We're gonna win that lip-sync contest, and then I'm gonna b*at her ass with that trophy.

And I'm ready for tonight.

Let Buck bring his little circus to the game.

I'm gonna blow Diane away and get a spot on that team.

'Cause, baby, you know what?

I got a few moves ain't nobody seen.

Ooh, please, Hammer, don't hurt him.


Is this happening?

Oh, yes, it's happening.

Uh! Oh! Uh! Oh!

Honey, oh!

It's Hammer Time.


[Air horns blaring, crowd cheers, organ playing]

Whoop, whoop! Whoop, whoop!

When I say "Chicago," you say "Bulls."





Who is that energetic gentleman?

Oh, Diane, that's, uh, Will's brother Buck.

He seems fun.

Oh. Yeah, good old, fun Buck.

But, uh, speaking of fun...

Booyah! I got Bulls fever, baby!

No, I think you have an actual fever.

It's a pretty severe rash.

What? No. This is "B" for Bulls.


But I sweat a lot.

That's an overshare.

Uh, anyway, we were all supposed to do it.

Did you get the e-mail I sent you, Peter?

Oh, I have a very aggressive spam filter.

Okay, this was a fail.

But, Diane, you see I'm not afraid to be bold.

"B" for bold. God, I wish I had that "B."

Uh, anyway, I know if I was on your team, I'd bring a lot to the table.

Hey! Look! I'm over here on the table.



E-Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Not showing off my runny chest rash.

Now give me some space.



I know what you're doing, Buck. You're showboating.

But guess what.


I got a bigger boat.

Unh, unh, unh. From half court!

[Bottle clanks, crowd gasps]

Oh, my God!


I am so sorry, Sheryl!

Uh, can somebody get Sheryl some ice?

5, 6, 7, 8.

Can't touch this
My, my, my, my
Music hits me so hard
Makes me say, "Oh, my Lord"

Arms, arms, arms!

Thank you for...

Wait, you guys.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop!

We are gonna be up all night until we get this right, guys.

And, Miles, you were off-key.

We're lip-syncing, Mom. Relax.

On a scale of 1 to 10, you're Joe Jackson.

And I'd k*ll for a Michael.

And I'd even settle for a Tito.

If this is what you guys do after 8:00 p.m., I'm sticking to my bedtime.

I thought we didn't care about winning.

I thought we were just having funky-fresh family fun.

But what's more funky, fresh, or fun than full-on crushing the competition?

Let's get some energy! 5, 6, 7, 8!

Oh, hey! You're up early.

Family still in bed?

Yeah. I think Alexis had them rehearsing late.

I found Maizy asleep on top of the dryer.

Oh, okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Hey, look, things got a little crazy last night.

Yeah, it did. You h*t Sheryl in the head with a bottle.

We bot made mistakes.

But I think we can put them behind us.

And if there's any other mistakes made, we can put them behind us, too.

The hell are you talking about?

Buck, I... Oh, Will.

You have a very lovely home and a... very handsome banister.

[Door closes]

[Chuckles awkwardly]

I said "Chicago" and she said "Bulls."


I cannot believe you.

[Chuckling] I know, right?

This is the greatest sandwich of all time.

I got five meats, three cheeses, two mayos.

And water chestnuts. Boom!

Don't tell me you seen that coming!

I'm not talking about the sandwich.

I'm talking about Diane. You need to stop seeing her.

Don't get pissy at me 'cause your high-class friends like your low-class brother.

No, it's not about class, Buck.

It's about Diane taking me out of the running for the team.

She thinks you guys dating is a conflict of interest.

It always comes back to that thing you do.

What'd she tell you? Those were our private moments.

No, that thing you do, where you walk into my world and you stomp all over everything.

Okay, when have I ever done that?

Behold, my friends... Will York City!

Buck: And I am Buck-zilla!


You seriously tripping over Legos?

That's how we do. You build things, and I make them fun.

It's not fun for me, Buck.

I've worked real hard to get here, and you're messing with my career.

And you don't even seem to care!

My m*rder my sandwich.

You built it, and I made it fun. This is how we do.

Uncle Buck, we need your help.

Yeah, Mom's gone lip-sync crazy, and we need to get out of it before she kills us.

My tiny legs just can't take it.

You've quit a lot of things. What's your advice here?

Don't let her down. You don't want to hurt your family.

Didn't see that coming.

It's important to your mom, so it should be important to you.

Don't bust up her Legos, or one day she'll m*rder your sandwich.


Okay, got a little crazy at the end, but the first part made a lot of sense.

As much as we hate it, we've got to do this for Mom.

Okay, Team Russell. Squeeze into these costumes, and we're gonna do the robot until we get it right.

Let's go.

This is going to scar me.

Hey. What up, Brother?


Whew! I felt the wind go by on that one.

Hey, look, man. You got a right to be mad.

And I got a few things I want to apologize for.

I got a little list, too.

[Stiffly] Sorry about those Legos.

Sorry I hid weed in your science-fair volcano.

And sorry that I tied a knot in your Stretch Armstrong.

He was a proud athlete, and you made him... do things to himself.

Look, Will. Man, uh... ever since we was kids, you've been doing smart stuff and never included me.

So I included myself.

Oh, Buck. I never knew that.


Why didn't you ever say anything?

'Cause feelings make me feel feelings.

And I don't like that.

I never meant to make you feel "less than."

I love you, bro.

More feelings. [Groans]

Oh, back at you. [Chuckles]

And don't worry about Diane, 'cause I'm gonna dump her ass immediately.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.


You cannot do that.

Well, I'll never call her back. Won't nobody get hurt.

No, Buck. That'll make it worse.

You got to do this thing elegantly and with minimal repercussions.

It's gonna be tough, 'cause repercussions is kind of my jam.

Well, smoothing things out is mine.

So we're gonna do this Will-style.

Okay. Do I have to cry?

You might.

Okay, guys, hand over the cellphones.

Thank you.

This is what happens when you join a cult.

Do you think Holly's family is over there playing Ooga Jump or Snapchatting with Janine?

I don't think they know Janine.

You need to be prepping your lips to sync!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey. How did it go with Diane? Was it bad?

It kind of took a turn.

Hey. I'll go grab us some drinks.


That's the turn.

What happened?

I don't know, man.

I tried to do it exactly like you.

[British accent] You know, Diane, you are a superb gal.

And we both have feelings and emotions and emotional feelings...


And then we did it.

Two questions.

First, why do you think I have a British accent?

That's just how you sound to me. You're like black Frasier.

And why did you sleep with her again?

I was being you, and then I was being me.

Holly: Well, I hope we're finally listening.

Well, I have a quick question for you, winners.

What is the difference between 100% and 99%?

Together: There's no such thing as 99%.

Now, where was that all week?

If you don't bring it tonight, I swear to God.

Get out of my way.

Only a monster would make her children dress up in top hats.

920 days until I leave for college and never have to see her again. Ever.

Tia: All right. Ready, you guys?

What are we gonna do? You got to get me out of this.

I got to get you out of this? I don't even know why you got involved.

The heart wants what it wants.

I'm not sure it was your heart driving the train here.

But, Will, I can't marry that woman. She's a selfish lover.

Calm down. We'll figure it out.

But I'm trying...

Well, I acquired us some drinks, but I warn you, this punch is too fruity by half.

Uh... Hey!

Y'all look like some rich-ass genies.

[Chuckles] Ooh, punch.

I wish it was fruitier.

You keep that.

If you think that's gross, you ought to see what she do with her boogers.

Oh, and that's why I don't plan on having children.

Well, that's a shame, because Buck really wants kids.

What you doing to me, man?

You want to have kids. Right, Buck? A lot of kids.

Oh... Oh, yeah. Right, right.

[Chuckles] I want a lot of kids.

Um, I want a-a whole Angelina Jolie package of kids.

Can I speak to you outside, please?

Whew! She pulled the plug. I'm out.

You see what happens when the Russell brothers work together?

[Chuckles] Nobody gets hurt... except that lady.


Hey, guys.

We're not doing this. I withdrew our names.

I thought you wanted to crush Holly.

I did, until I realized that by competing with her I was turning into her.

Let's forget this.

[Indistinct conversations]

Guys, what are you doing?

The nightmare's over. Let's go home.

We're not going anywhere.

We worked too hard.

And I make these pants look good.

Hey, come on. Let's do this.

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, we have to.



Okay! Let's do it! Team Russell!


Team Russell!

Deejay, kick it!

MC Hammer: You can't touch this.

["U Can't Touch This" playing]

♪ Break it down ♪


Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Ohh! Ohh!


Stop, Hammer time
Go with the flow, it is said


If you can't groove to this, then you probably are d*ad
So wave your hands in the air

♪ Bust a few moves, run your fingers through your hair
This it, for a winner
Dance to this, and you're gonna get thinner
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute, let's all do the bump
Bump, bump, bump ♪

Yeah, you can't touch this
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You can't touch this

[Cheers and applause]


Yes! Yes!

[Outro playing]



That's our family. [Laughs]


What's up, third-place Russells?

Uh-oh! Uh! Oh!

[Both laugh]

Baby, did you see Miles flapping his wings in the middle?

It was fantastic.

Thank you. I just felt it.

It's like a sexy demon got into my arms.

And a middle-aged white guy got into your feet.

[Cellphone vibrating]



I just got a text from Peter. Looks like I made the team.


I guess Diane didn't hold a grudge.


Where's Buck? I got to tell him.

He's over there.

Kids, close your eyes.

Hey, girl, what your name?


Will: You want me to break this up?

No. She's divorced. Plus, she deserves this.


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