02x05 - Roosevelt

[bunniefuu]

[classical music]

♪ ♪

Ow! Oh! Stupid me.

I sullied these potatoes with my stupid blood.

[gasps]

Garfield, this is not your fault.

You are completely sleep-deprived.

Thank you, talking radish.

You know what?

This is madness.

We are making all these sacrifices, putting ourselves in-- in physical danger, holding onto our bowel movements for days.

I haven't been holding anything in.

If you open up a closet door, expect a surprise.

Closet crapping. And for what?

We are going to stop serving the Bellacourts, and start serving ourselves.

We are going to strike.

But we haven't been ordered to strike.

Well, what is this?

Have I stumbled upon a garden party?

Should I have brought my limbo stick?

Oh, look at this.

Susan brought my limbo stick.

Thank you very much, Susan.

The President of America is coming to dinner, but we're having a limbo party.

Come on, everybody. How low can you go?

How low can you go?

Mr. Peepers, we don't want to limbo.

We want to strike.

[gasps] Strike?

How dare you utter the S word in this kitchen, you ungrateful piece of sh*t.

Come on, everyone. Let's go.

[scoffs] Wha?

[chuckles]

Et tu, Garfield?

[whimpers] I'm sorry, Mr. Peepers.

I don't want to. [whimpers]

My body may be striking, but my heart will be working.

It turns out you can go very low, Garfield.

Very low, indeed.

♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪
♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another Period ♪

Nom, nom, nom.

[both moaning]

Would you two pigs stop chewing each other's face off?

We're eating.

Don't talk to new mom that way.

Look at her situation.

Look at how much she's been through.

Yes, look at how much I've been through.

I have to share a home with you two.

Speaking of our home, I'm so excited to welcome the President.

Is he bringing that strapping young buck, Franklin?

Don't get too excited.

He's engaged to his cousin, Eleanor, whom I just can't wait to meet.

Finally another woman brave enough to let her words be her makeup.

Stuff it like a cookie.

Teddy has a vacant vice presidency and I want Frederick to fill it.

[coughing]

[gasps]

Hooray!

I don't see how this idiot gets the job.

Everyone knows Taft is Roosevelt's top choice for VP.

Nothing's been finalized, Hore.

Celery will be so excited to hear she's going to be Mrs. Vice P.

Do not speak about your wife at the manor table!

Can I have some more champagne, please?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

All right, everyone, gather.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Hello?

Anybody home?

The President is here.

Where are the servants? [scoffs]

Uncle Teddy, are these people poors?

[chuckles]

How embarrassing.

Wh-- where's the staff?

Garfield!

Ha, I have no problem introducing myself.

I'm a man of the people.

[laughter]

Come upstairs, Teddy. Join me for a drink.

I want you to meet my boy.

Uh, what about me?

Don't pretend you don't notice me, Bellacourt.

Of course, Taft.

Not one to pass up a free drink, huh?

I'm not an alcoholic.

Okay. Ladies, entertain our guests.

May I take you to the Milk and Honey room so that we can get down to business?

We have so much to discuss.

Yes, go off with this donkey and talk about your women's crap.

I love it when a man calls my sister a donkey.

I'm Lillian.

I'd love to give you a tour of our property.

Make you familiar with all of our secret entrances.

And exits. [chuckles]

This dump? [scoffs]

Okay.

♪ Solid gold, solid gold ♪
♪ Mofo at the top, baby ♪

So what are you wearing to the suffragists rally?

Brown or off-brown?

Eleanor?

Hey, girl.

Are you all right?

You wouldn't understand.

Oh, I wouldn't?

Come here, let me look at you.

Oh.

There, there.

Let me guess. When you see him or hear him, it tingles right here.

Right in the back of your skull and then all the way down, down your spine right to that space between your coccyx and your anus.

Right there.

How do you know this?

It's because I understand you.

It's the most amazing feeling in the world, right?

And then he hurts you and you feel it right here, in your stomach.

And here, in your heart.

You're like a man with less hair on your knuckles.

Oh, that's because I shave.

Glasses?

The servants haven't arrived yet with our tea.

Can you fetch us some?

Tea, Glasses.

And give us an hour or so.

This here is the jasmine garden.

Daddy had it planted the day I was born.

It's been blooming ever since.

You must be Franklin.

[laughing]

Holy sh*t.

It's a crip-pile. [chuckles]

Crip-pile is actually an offensive term.

It's 1903.

We prefer to be called "body retards."

Stop being rude to our guest and admit you're a crip-pile legless freak!

Oh, thank God I'll never be like that.

both: Good luck getting up those stairs, crip-pile.

Jinx! You owe me cocaine.

Not only is he part of an American dynasty, but he's also an assh*le!

What's the catch?

♪ Rich, rich, rich I could k*ll you... ♪

So you're a model for cough drop boxes?

No, son.

No.

I'm the President.

Of the Melon Association?

Of the United States of America.

[laughing] Brilliant, Frederick!

[laughter]

I do enjoy a good boner.

Well, you know what's not a good boner?

This brandy glass has been empty for 35 seconds.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Empty brandy here!

♪ ♪

[groans] Ah.

I'll do it.

♪ ♪

Whoa! [chuckles]

Well there.

[laughing]

Excuse me.

Peepers?

What the hell is going on here?

Where's the rest of the staff?

Sir, I did not want to tell you this until the President had departed, but the downstairs has striketh.

They say their conditions are unlivable.

What? Well, of course they're unlivable.

They're servants. Peepers... it's up to you to hold it all together.

Can you handle it?

Sir, with every ounce of energy in my mere mortal body, I shall strive to hold this secret as if it were my own child.

As if my limbs were the limbs of the house that leans upon--

[door closes]

all: We want sleep! We have to pee!

We are tired or brewing your tea.

Would anyone like their waistcoats steamed?

Or maybe a cup of tea?

Come here.

Garfield, put the tray down.

This isn't about serving. This is about equal wages.

It's about being free.

I'm not free. I'm Garfield.

Freedom isn't a name. It's...

It's a feeling.

Espresso.

You remind me of... a nice espresso.

Ooh.

Lillian, I want to thank you for giving me a back rub so quickly after meeting me.

[chuckles]

I really respect that.

Oh, my. You're an illustrated man.

Oh, my tattoo.

That's a r*fle wrapped around my bicep.

A bifle. Bang! Bang!

[laughter]

Your humor is so progressive.

You know something?

I'm having a great time with you.

You're fun.

Did you say wife material?

Could be. Who knows?

Not like my stupid fiancée. [exhales sharply]

She's a real wet smallpox blanket.

[sighs] It's just a whole... deal.

Well, maybe it's time for a new deal.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

[chuckles]

[belches]

[exhales sharply]

[coughs]

I'm hungry. Can I get some dickfast?

Sure. Dickfast?

Yes, it's between dinner and breakfast.

I'm really hoping it takes off.

I'd like that to be the thing everyone remembers me for.

Oh, well, let's get you some dickfast.

[bell ringing]

[chuckles]

Ahem.

Oh, where are the GD servants?

[bell ringing]

[groans]

[exhales deeply]

You know what, I'm just gonna make a few myself.

I am wife material after all.

How do you feel about jelly butter and peanut?

Never heard of it, but it sounds good.

All right. Well, I'll be right back with a JB and P. [chuckles]

[frantic classical music]

♪ ♪

Tarnished!

[gasps] The chanterelles!

The game hen! Ah! Ah! Ah!

[bell ringing]

The President.

Damn you, strike.

[upbeat music]

Here, take this.

It'll make you look older and sophisticated like a train conductor.

That's right.

That's better.

[coughs]

It's good.

Here, wash it down with this.

It's whiskey, or as my pappy used to call it, liquid corn.

No spitting it out, you have to swallow it.

Ooh! It stings my little tongue.

Let me tell you something, okay?

You like her, right?

Well, if you do, you'll have to drop the little boy act, okay?

It doesn't work.

What little boy act?

Ugh. Come on.

You still got that high-pitch voice makes me want to rip your duckbill right off the top of your head.

Talk like a man.

Good morning.

Come on, deeper voice.

It's 'cause I'm cold.

Deeper. From the chest.

We-- we'd all work at a coal mine.

I want you to feel the balls.

Ahh!

Right there, right there.

Ah!

Do you hear me?

I got it, man.

No, f*ck.

So tell me, Frederick, what are your thoughts on the booming railroad industry?

I-I like choo-choos-- trains-- choo-choos.

[people chanting outside]

Commodore, what is that sound I keep hearing?

I'm sorry, Mr. President, the staff-- they've gone on strike.

Well, that would be why there is no alcohol. Hmm.

I am gonna go look for some myself.

Oh.

Listen, I know how difficult relationships can be.

I'm engaged to my cousin, and FDR can be pretty tough to be around, let me tell you.

He thinks it's funny to call me "Elea-snore" and "Elea-bore."

Even "Elea-whore."

But those are all still better than "Eleanor" though, right?

[chuckles]

Fair point. It's a bad name.

Yeah.

[laughter]

You're so lucky though.

You get to marry a relative. That's every girl's dream.

You know, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Sometimes... sometimes you want to look outside your family for sex.

But that's crazy.

You have no idea how crazy it can be.

[chuckles] Some of the most... beautiful facial lips I've ever seen.

You have... lips too.

[upbeat music]

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

[chuckles] Cooking is easy.

[groaning]

Oh. A servant bottom.

Ha-ha! Yah!

Ah!

[laughing]

Hey! Outta my way, tubby!

I got a 19-year-old hardbody waiting for some dickfast.

Feisty for a servant!

I'm not a servant!

[grunts] I'm a future Roosevelt.

[groaning]

Get out of my face. No!

I feel a wooziness coming strong.

Whoa!

[shrieking]

♪ I'm a money fiend Yes, I'm a money fiend ♪

The first time I met you...

Yes?

I knew there was something quite, quite silly about you.

But you're fun.

My legs are-- are spread, and-- and my hair is wild!

[laughter]

[both exhale deeply]

Well, the true measure of a man is if he can handle... his gasoline, ah.

What?

Take it. There.

Take that now. Here you go.

First thing, you take a mouthful of taffy.

Mm-hmm.

Then you take a swig of the good stuff, and you'll run as fast as you can, so as your heart doesn't stop b*ating, eh.

Okay.

[chuckles]

Go to it.

[coughs]

Ahh!

Go deep, Garfield.

That's right. Go deep.

Ahh!

Go deep, Garfield.

Miner. Go deep.

Go man deep, Garfield.

With all due respect, Commodore, I have seen Cubans with a better work ethic than your servants.

Gasoline!

I am the god of fire.

[crashing]

I shall deal with it.

If you don't mind, Commodore, I would like Frederick here to take a cr*ck at this problem.

Frederick?

Brilliant.

Use this.

Show them how a Bellacourt negotiates.

Right away.

Lillian, where is my dickfast?

[moaning]

Lillian?

Elea-bore?

Now that's how you make a sandwich.

Help! My arm!

Somebody help me!

Ah! Oh!

[gasps]

[grunting]

Ah!

[rapid breathing]

[screams]

[whimpering]

[grunts]

[labored breathing]

No, no.

[whimpering]

[grunts]

Ah! [laughing]

Oh, my sleeve. [sobbing]

My favorite dress.

I'm here to negotiate.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

So are we good?

No, not at all. A r*fle?

You just handed me a r*fle.

Daddy, your way isn't working.

You were supposed to use the g*n.

I did.

We want proper cleaning utensils, one hour of recreation time per month, daily outhouse privileges, and three hours of sleep per night... minimum.

Sure.

Sure? Like yes?

Oh, great. Yes, yes.

[groans]

Yes, yes.

[laughing]

I have more. I have more to give.

I can also give you money.

Thanks.

And we will give you a dessert ball.

Okay. What is that?

A dessert ball. Whenever we are done with dessert, you can gather up all the scraps and ball them up, and at the end of every month, you will receive the dessert ball.

It's something that I've been thinking about for quite a while.

We'll take it.

[laughter]

Whoo!

[all cheering]

Who are these people?

Frederick, I am so impressed with the sympathy you showed towards the common man.

Plus, you solved a problem I did not care about without my involvement.

That is the very definition of a VP.

So how does it sound?

Vice President Frederick Bellacourt.

It sounds a little confusing because my name is also Frederick Bellacourt.

But if that guy's vice president, then I can just change mine. I'm Bert.

I'm Bert Bellacourt, everybody.

Bert is here!

[all cheering]

So you like my boy, eh?

I haven't met a stupider human being that didn't have some sort of brain disorder.

But with him next in line for the presidency, there's no way I'll get assassinated.

[laughter]

[all moaning]

There you are, Bea.

Oh!

Franklin, it's good to see you.

[chuckles]

I have news.

Hi, Frederick.

I'm going to be VP.

That stands for vice P.

I also have news.

I started seeing someone outside the family.

Who?

No one you know.

[gasps]

Hello, miss.

Hey, Eleanor.

Let's get out of here.

What did you just call me?

Eleanor.

You've never used my real name before.

You've never caused me arousal before.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Wait, where are you going?

We're headed off to Springwood.

But hey, that was fun.

You were fun.

Franklin?

I made you a sandwich.

Franklin?

Wife material.