02x04 - Bad Blood

[bunniefuu]

♪ I've been sleeping around ♪
♪ This hungry town ♪
♪ Trying to find myself again ♪
♪ Just trying to find myself again ♪
♪ Like I always should ♪
♪ Like I always should ♪
♪ Like I always should ♪
♪ Like I always should ♪
♪ ♪

Ava, you're gonna be a massive cabaret star.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, guys.

This... this guy could be total bullshit, honey.

I mean, he might just be trying to get laid.

So it's not my voice, it's my ass?

No, I'm... I'm... that's not what I'm saying.

He's just worried...

And jealous.

[laughter]

No, no, I'm not, I'm just looking out for my girl.

This could be big for you, Ava.

Oh, man, you're gonna get a shitload of attention.

Yeah, lead singer's the center of attention.

Yeah, everybody wants to bang the lead singer.

You remember those days, Johnny.

Yes, I do.

Hey, man, lead singers get laid.

Jagger doesn't have a sell-by date.

Mm, sexy till the day he dies.

Every girl on earth wants to do him.

Hey, if we ever get married, I get a "free to [...] Mick Jagger" card.

[laughs]

I want to hump Joe Perry's hair.

I'm getting a series Bonnie Raitt vibe from Joe Perry these days.

Uh, I'm getting some hot Bonnie Raitt vibes from Steven Tyler.

Would you do Steven Tyler?

Dude looks like a lesbian middle-aged lady.

Plus, think how great he'd be at picking out scarves.

I don't know, I feel like both of those guys are one turquoise bracelet away from shopping at Ann Taylor Loft.

Where they run into Keith Richards in the hair accessories section.

Hey, what about Paul McCartney?

No.

Boo.

I call him "Carol."

Why?

'Cause he looks like somebody's grand-aunt.

Oh.

[laughs]

Hey, I'd like to do Taylor Swift, but just once, then never call her and see if she writes a song about me.

Oh, she'll write a song about you.

Then she'll pull an Adele and she'll write an entire revenge album about you.

Yeah, then she would buy the apartment next to yours and leave you some warm snickerdoodles on your front step salted with her own lanky tears.

Could be a turn-on.

Good.

Well, then it's your adorable funeral, baby.

♪ Sex and dr*gs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪

[whispers] Babe.

Hmm?

You asleep?

No.

Am I too young for you?

Wha...

No. Why you asking me that?

You sure you don't wish you were with somebody closer to your own age, or somebody with more experience than me in bed?

Don't be silly.

You're perfect for me.

We're perfect for each other in or out of bed.

[whispers] Good answer.

What's this?

It's something that made me think of you and our kissing calamities.

Holy sh*t.

Do you like it?

I love it.

You're my Mick Jagger.

You're my Ava Gardner.

You know, Kate Beckinsale in "The Aviator."

Ah, it's just an old Scorsese movie.

Aw.

I like old movies.

[sighs]

Is it your birthday?

Nope.

Then why'd she give it to you?

Trying to figure that out.

It's got diamonds in it.

And rubies.

What do rubies mean as, like, a gem?

I googled it. Commitment.

sh*t. Really?

I know.

God damn it. There's a ton of g*dd*mn rubies in it.

The whole g*dd*mn thing's rubies.

[laughs]

You... maybe we're overthinking it.

Oh, yeah, right.

You heard that marriage cr*ck she made yesterday.

Look at this.

Remember Phil Tessla?

Just like Mickey, he dropped dead last night, but not famous enough to get his name to headline his own obituary.

That's gonna be me, man, 'cause I'm never gonna be more famous than I am right now.

I ain't gettin' any younger.

She gives me this pin to step up our relationship to the next level.

So I'm thinking maybe it's time.

I mean, what the hell am I waiting for?

I'm gonna meet a girl that's more suited to my tastes looks-wise and age-wise?

No.

Well, I mean, you could troll a few local high schools and colleges.

Funny.

I know you think I'm too old for her.

You know what? I actually don't think that anymore.

Oh, since when?

Since I evolved.

I'm changing, okay?

Oh, you've evolved?

Yeah. I'm evolving.

I mean, have you not noticed my new threads?

Yeah, I've noticed that you're dressing like me.

I'm not dressing like you, okay?

Ava got me these clothes.

I'm... I'm dressing like this to make Ava happy.

Okay, that's what I'm focusing on, all right?

You should be focusing on that too because if you put a smile on Gigi's face, that puts a smile on Ava's face, and that makes my life a hell of a lot easier.

Oh, okay, so it is still about you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's all about you taking care of Gigi.

But don't do anything insane because this is not the most famous you're gonna be.

When she gets famous, which she will because she's beautiful and talented and ambitious, you're gonna get more famous for being her guitar player, and I'm gonna get famous for being her songwriting dad.

Okay? So hold out a little bit longer and there'll be, like, a gaggle of 23-year-old girls just dying to buy whatever you have to sell.

But not too long, 'cause, you know, your hair is disappearing.

Dude, is there something wrong with you?

What do you mean?

How can you talk about your daughter like that?

Like what?

Like she's a record deal.

That's not what I said.

Oh, yeah, it is.

And listen, number one, my hair's not receding that fast.

Number two, the gray makes it look a little wispy.

Okay.

Number three, Gigi's happiness is my main concern so when we have lunch today with that cabaret producer, see if you can keep "evolving."

I know how to use a napkin, assh*le.

You know how to keep your yap shut and let Ava do all the talking?

Ooh. I can almost hear your DNA imploding right now.

My DNA is not... this is my [...] you, Flash face.

That's what this face is.

From the first time I saw The Heathens live, I swear to God, I was a huge fan.

It was the... it was the Ritz in '92.

Man, I thought you guys were gonna win the Best New Artist Grammy that year and the MTV Moonman and an AMA.

sh*t, I thought you guys were gonna sweep the whole thing.

Yeah, no, they broke up before the nominations came out.

Who did end up winning the Grammy that year?

Marc Cohn.

With this... this crappy, little piano ballad about Elvis' ghost or some sh*t.

"Walking in Memphis."

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I won a producing Grammy that night too, so that song has a... it has a special place in my heart.

Marc, you know, he ended up being a one-hit wonder, it happens, but you guys, man, I thought you guys had staying power.

I always wondered what happened after you broke up.

Well, I, you know, wanted to do something that was more purely my own vision.

So I-I started this band called The Johnny Rock Show, you probably heard about them. Very highly acclaimed...

I-I remember The Johnny Rock show.

I meant what happened with you, Ava?

You had such charisma. And your eyes... holy sh*t.

I could never stop staring at you when you were on stage.

I just... I kept waiting for you to do your own thing.

Well, I...

Well, she was kind of tenta... you felt tentative about stepping out front, right, honey?

No, no. I wouldn't say tentative.

I would say more stuck in the background.

Yeah, she crushed it with me last week.

That's the video I showed you.

Her voice is better than ever.

I know, right?

It's even sexier now.

It's... it's deeper. I... man... I-I'm in love with your tone.

Oh, thank you, Brook.

Let me cut right to the point here.

I am bringing cabaret to Brooklyn.

I think there's a market here for upscale, yet edgy live music in a theatrical setting.

Debbie Harry is my opening weekend headliner.

The following Wednesday and Thursday would be you, Ava X.

Me and Debbie Harry?

[laughs]

That's right.

Think you can handle it?

Well, yeah, I think I...

You know what?

I-I can handle it.

I'll... I'll be your music director.

I'll pick out the songs. We'll make the set list.

Come up with a title and all that stuff that we're gonna need.

You just worry about singing and I'll handle everything else.

Except the check.

We, uh... we have an old-standing rule, Grammy winner picks up the check.

Five-time Grammy winner.

Sorry?

You won five Grammys?

I did. Yeah.

No, well, six, actually.

I keep forgetting about the Michael J. Fox audiobook.

And those count?

I don't know.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

[humming indistinctly]

♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪

I find that coloring focuses the mind on forgiveness.

[sighs]

It's peaceful, cleansing.

Transforms the sin-addled adult soul into that of an innocent child.

Okay.

The unicorn's mane may be the most important piece of the picture.

What color should it be?

Atomic Tangerine or Unmellow Yellow?

Razzle-dazzle Rose.

Right here.

Niece, two nephews.

Yeah, Purple Pizzazz, too busy.

And it's not really purple, if you ask me.

Purple Pizzazz is hot magenta on some strange violet mission.

Yeah. Trying to steal Razzle-dazzle Rose's thunder.

[men laughing in bar]

What's your favorite shade of purple, Mr. Silverstein?

Puce.

Puce is a... very angry color.

Well, it depends on how you say it.

Puce.

Are you saying when I say it, I say it angry?

Yes.

Puce.

Puce.

Puce.

Puce.

Like me. Puce.

Puce.

You're kind of only saying it lower and slower.

Puce.

Puce.

Puce.

Puce.

Puce.

Puce?

Relax your larynx a little.

Just, like, let it fly out of you.

You know, puce.

Puce?

Still sounds mad.

Puce.

[...] puce!

"Puce" sounds like "puke."

Not even in the [...] purple family.

It's a little maggot color.

Doesn't have the balls to be pink.

The courage to be [...] purple.

Puce is a p*ssy.

"p*ssy Puce" that should be the Crayola name.

There will be no puce in the show.

[exhales slowly]

Can I ask you a question?

Color question?

No, this is a show question.

Uh, do you sing?

Well, I've done some Shakespeare... 13 productions... and what is Shakespeare, if not singing?

What is "Hamlet" three times, if not pure music?

You never heard my Häagen-Dazs commercials?

Mesmerizing. I've seen them.

You had me hooked on Vanilla Swiss Almond for two and a half delicious years.

[laughs]

So you're gonna talk/sing 29 of my songs about the potato famine?

No.

No, I'm gonna talk/sing five of your songs.

I'm dropping 24 of them and bringing in a new young composer because I want to rap.

Rap?

What, like, hip-hop rap?

I want to rap the Irish famine into the minds of upcoming generations.

I want to drop some rhymes on young Irish minds.

Drop the top on the spot where the English dropped dimes.

k*ll the chill on the hill where my tribe's blood was spilt.

Hit the kit on the kettle where the battle be settled.

This is it, bro, let the blood flow.

Take the bit, bitch.

Hit the hot Celtic switch.

Uh, uh-uh.

Whoo! What?

D... dude.

That was amazing, Campbell.

Thanks, man.

W... can I say "Campbell"?

Yeah.

What... dude.

I'm working a heavy Kendrick vibe, like, 24/7 these days.

Uh, my show is not some crappy rap thing, man.

It is a song cycle.

It's my show.

You gave over the rights to my company when you signed the contract, Mr. Silverstein.

And my show is gonna feast on "Hamilton's" testicles.

My show is gonna make America forget about Ha-ha-Hamilton.

My show will be referred to as "Familton."

Your subject is powerful, but your songs are out of date and atonal.

The real genius is this man's drumming.

That was the best thing about those 29 tracks.

I want wall-to-wall percussion in "Feast."

I want ancient Celtic tribal drums... bodhrán meets...

I don't know... the beats of Dr. [...] Dre.

Yeah, that's... that's genius, man.

Right? Smashing it.

Punching it. Popping it.

Yeah.

Look, Campbell, I was willing to collaborate... but I mean, I have got to draw the line at having a 54-year-old white guy...

51.

Standing on stage rapping.

It's not cool!

I mean, it's not Celtic.

I got news for you, my friend.

What?

I am the American theater Celtic barometer of cool.

By the time I get finished with "Feast," people are gonna be begging me to autograph their [...] potatoes.

Well, then you can sign potatoes by yourself, man.

You may have the right to destroy my masterwork, Mr. Scott, but we have the right to walk away.

Come on, Bam.

Um...

I, uh...

I'm staying with Campbell.

[sighs]

Well, then, I'm taking my name off of his show.

What color should the wings be?

Not puce.

All right, so listen, girls.

Listen. Hey.

[indistinct chatter]

I've got the idea for the...

Hey. Shh. Hey.

Guys, listen.

Great idea for the opening tune.

"Bang a Gong," T-Rex, honey, that's one of your favorite songs ever recorded, okay, plus it's got a sexy groove.

I've never seen a chick cover it, but it also gives us the title of our show, Ava X Hubcap, Diamond Star, Halo.

Yawn. No.

My foot literally just fell asleep as you were saying it.

Same song, better title... "Get It On."

"Get It On."

Right?

It's awesome.

Oh, my God. "Get It On."

If I see a poster with her silhouette in stiletto heels, that says "Ava X Get It On,"

I'm showing up, not to mention every penis in Brooklyn.

Okay, but "Get It On's" not classy.

"Hubcap, Diamond Star, Halo," that's classy.

We don't need a classy title, okay?

I'm classy.

We need asses in the seats.

And some really k*ller shoes.

Absolutely.

For sure.

"Get It On" is the title, but you don't open with that song, okay, you close with it, because when people hear "Get It On," they're gonna thing "Bang a Gong."

So subconsciously they're gonna be begging for it.

So we make them wait and then we give it to them at the end, make them orgasm.

Okay, so let me just get this straight.

Um, I've got 32 years of show business experience, but you're gonna tell me how to put a set together?

Yes. I am.

Okay.

Okay, we open with an original tune so we can establish original ground right up front.

You know, something with a sexy groove.

Yes.

Okay, honey, who's the musical director here?

I am.

Gigi is.

You're just the piano player, honey.

Since when?

Since the cab ride home.

I was in the cab, okay, and I was talking to you guys about, you know, who I was gonna hire for the horn section, and you guys weren't even listening.

You were both just sitting there, texting.

Yes, each other, making really big decisions.

W-why is she in charge?

Because I'm the only member of the band that's not on stage, plus, I have great ideas, great perspective.

Well, "Bang a Gong" was my idea.

Yeah, which I just made better.

It's a collaboration, Dad.

That's what I'm saying.

I want to collaborate... me and you.

Me and Ava, but you shouldn't worry about that.

You should just be worrying about your piano chops.

What's wrong with my piano chops?

Nothing.

Nothing.

And so for sure on the belt.

I like the first one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do too. I do too.

[rock music]

♪ ♪
♪ Oh, baby, watch your step ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If you're gonna dress like that ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, baby, watch your step ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If you're gonna dress like that ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Ow ♪
♪ The colors and the shapes ♪
♪ Oh, you're painting pattern brown ♪
♪ ♪

[cheering]

Very nice.

All right.

Whoo!

Nice.

Way to go, hon.

Thanks, guys.

That was awesome.

Yeah, you too, man.

[clears throat] Dad.

Yeah?

You want to walk out together?

I want to discuss some of the songs.

Oh, okay. Great.

Hope you guys are whispering about coming in earlier on the second verse over there.

Don't have to come in earlier if you ain't ham-fisting them keys, kid.

Yeah, you got heavy fingers.

And happy mother[...] feet.

Uh-huh.

Always did. You got no nuance.

Try listening to us, 'cause we're listening to the lead singer.

Slow the heck down, man.

Yeah, or you guys could just come in earlier on the second verse.

Thanks for the advice, boys.

I oughta kick his [...] ass.

Ah. What's up?

Why are you acting like this?

Like what?

You're being awful.

You're acting like a... like a yappy, loudmouth, insecure little douche, which I know is normal for you, but my God, it's like you turned the volume on the bitch knob up to 11.

Yeah, okay.

Why can't you be happy for Ava?

I am happy for Ava. I'm just...

No, you're not.

Yeah, I'm just concerned.

You know, I don't want her to get hurt or upset.

Or famous.

Oh, honey, she's not gonna get famous.

This is one g*dd*mn gig.

What if she does?

What if she does? What if something happens and she becomes kind of well-known?

What then?

I...

God, if you get this jealous and agitated over one gig of Ava's what is gonna happen if I make it?

Honey, I'm, like, your biggest fan.

Nobody wants you to make it more than me.

But then why can't you be Ava's biggest fan?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

You're afraid she might leave you.

Oh, yeah, like she's gonna leave me.

Honey, you have to understand something, okay, we're soul mates, all right.

We're attached at the hip.

Together forever.

She's never gonna leave me.

[scoffs]

W-why, did she say something about... leaving?

What did she say?

[sighs]

Well, we had a long talk about leaving.

And?

And she's not leaving, you are.

What do you mean?

You're fired, Dad.

Fired from what?

You're fired from the band.

You're fired from Ava X.

Says who?

Says Ava.

Says me. Says Ruck. Says Bam Bam.

Says everybody, but especially me.

Okay, that's bullshit.

Why didn't Ava tell me?

'Cause she's completely overwhelmed by you.

She feels like you're trying to subconsciously sabotage her.

I'm not trying to...

We know you have heavy fingers, but [...], Dad.

You're like an anchor just weighing her down.

It's such a drag and everybody feels it.

I'm sorry to say this, but if you have any song ideas, if you have any suggestions, you have to go through me first.

Honey...

I don't want you on stage with her.

You're messing her up.

You're bringing her down.

You are never stepping foot on that stage, ever.

Okay, I'm not... I'm not...

Shh! Listen.

If you have any brains left, you will go home, you will apologize to her, okay, and you will agree to step elegantly aside while she has her time in the spotlight.

She'll love you for it.

[scoffs]

I want a bagel.

Hey, what the [...]?

Don't want to discuss it, John.

You don't want to discuss it?

You fire me from the band without telling me and you don't want to discuss it?

We're gonna discuss the sh*t out of it right now.

Do not get in that bed, Ava.

We are gonna...

Ava.

Okay.

All right.

Now listen to me.

Do not pick up that...

Don't open that iPad. Honey.

[growls]

Okay.

I know I'm controlling and I probably express myself the wrong way sometimes, but what I'm trying to say, honey, is, I have the same interest here that you do.

I-I have your best interest at heart.

What's best for me, John, is to not have you sitting behind me on opening night.

Why?

Because.

That's it?

Yeah.

That's it. "Because."

Because I have enough to worry about, okay?

How I sound, how I look, what the audience is thinking of me, how to keep my hands from shaking.

This is not about you this time. This is about me.

But that's what I'm saying.

We're saying the same thing. Honey.

I want to be there for precisely those reasons, okay.

I want to be there in case you have a panic att*ck or you get anxious.

All you have to do is look over at me and there I am to support you, to help you breathe, okay.

I'm... I want to be your safety net.

Okay, in case you fall apart, I'm there to put the pieces back together again.

But what if I don't fall apart?

What if?

What if I'm great?

But what if you're not?

Oh, you stupid...

Ow! Jeez!

Son of a bitch!

You've been doing this all week, John, mind [...]ing me into failing.

Get out!

That hurt.

I don't care. Get out!

[sighs]