01x12 - Believe Me (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

Aw, thanks for the bagels, Dad.

Sure.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, I'll cover the bagels.

As long as you help me restore my dignity.

Ooh, feels like a patented embarrassing Marv story coming on.

Love these. Can't get enough.

Yeah, so I'm leaving the bagel place, and this beautiful woman smiles and walks up to me.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

Can I ask you a question?

Marv: I knew right then that I had to ask this woman out.

Only if I can ask you a question after.

Has anyone ever told you you look like Steve Thompkins?

Is he a movie star?

He's my dad.

Ah.

He passed away recently.

(voice breaking): Sorry, I can't even look at you without...

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

What was your question?

I was gonna ask if you wanted to have a drink sometime.

Excuse me?

If you wanted to... have a drink sometime with me?

After I just told you you remind me of my dead father?

Yeah, I was... wondering if you, if you-you-you would.

(Brad and Allison groan)

Hey-o!

How long did this go on?

Until the slap.

From the bagel guy.

I was in a loop. I couldn't get out.

Oh, God, she made me feel so old.

Interesting takeaway that you're the victim in this story.

(doorbell rings)

Hmm?

Hi.

I'm selling candy bars for my high school football team. Would you like to buy one?

I haven't seen a high-schooler this old since 90210 went off the air.

Yeah, we're trying to raise money so our football team...

Both: can rent a bus to the playoffs.

Yeah, do you have some sort of school I.D. or...?

No, it was stolen out of my locker.

Out of your locker, yeah. I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm not gonna be able to help you out today.

I'll take three.

Of course you will.

Here you go, yeah.

And if you need any help getting a new I.D., let me know.

I can hook you up. (clicking tongue)

Okay, babe.

You know that guy was scamming us, right?

What number was he running... magazines?

Wrapping paper? Solar panels?

No.

Just some kid old enough to have mortgage selling chocolate bars.

Why not believe him, huh?

Worst case scenario... a needy kid gets a few extra bucks and we get to taste some delicious chocolate.

(mouth full): That... that has turned.

All right, thanks for the fuel, Dad.

I have that Russian billionaire's open house to get to.

Oh, is it that gaudy mansion that's been on the market for months?

No one serious even comes in anymore.

It's just me and a taxidermy wolf that is just creepy enough to keep me from taking a nap.

Oh, I got to go, too!

I got to pick up my dress for Kelly's wedding.

Oh, my gosh, that sounds like so much fun.

Can I go with you, please, please, please, please, please?

That was so boring!

Why did you make me come?

Everybody was so snooty.

“Ma'am, that's not a garbage can.

Ma'am, please stop trying to guess the weight of the brides.

Ma'am, that is my lunch!”

Oh!

Gorgeous.

Mm.

Let's hit the water before we go back, huh?

It's the least you could do.

(laughs) No, thanks.

Oh, come on, when was the last time you rolled up your pant legs and dipped your little piggies?

Well, who's gonna watch my stuff?

How about your guardian angel guards it, you goof?

Hit it!

All right.

Hey...

Ah, the ocean.

You know, I can drink salt water.

It makes me super sick, but I can do it.

Hey, you're supposed to be watching my stuff.

I am!

It's right over there by your... where your purse used to be.

Someone stole my purse!

Hey, this may not be the time for this, but you should really think about carrying your valuables in a vest.

(groans)

Gotcha!

Walt!

It's not what it looks like.

You know you're not allowed to use Botox on yourself.

Ooh, how about this for an Instagram caption?

“Sad face doctor can't face reality of old face”"

How did you even know I was in here?

Your car's in the parking lot.

How about “Yoda tries to undo 800 years of skin damage caused by the two suns of Tatooine”"

(laughs) Yeah, that, that's the winner.

Hey, Clara, ah, thank God someone's here.

This wolf is freaking me out.

Look.

It follows me with its eyes.

It's a nanny cam.

Oh. Oh!

What's wrong?

Yes, yes! Got it.

♪ Just take those old records off... ♪

Aah! (grunts)

Nothing.

Here are the new flyers.

Oh, and the homeowners called the office with a message for you, but I'm not comfortable spitting in your face, so I'll just say, “Good luck today”?

I get it. The Russians are so mean.

I think they blame me for the Miracle on Ice.

This place is huge.

What do you do here by yourself all day?

You must get so bored.

Scared.

“Bored”?

Seems a shame to let such an awesome espresso machine go unused.

Yeah, but maybe we shouldn't mess with their stuff.

Ah, it's just coffee.

Seriously, after the way that they've treated you, I'm surprised you're not using all their cool stuff.

♪ ♪

(Russian rap song playing)

I'm calling my dad.

He has my extra set of car keys, so...

Oh, sh**t, his answering machine picked up.

I must've called his house, not his cell.

So, we're waiting for a man who still has an answering machine to come rescue us?

You're a guardian angel.

You couldn't have used your powers to stop the thief?

Like thrown a lightning bolt or something?

No, we're not allowed to throw lightning anymore.

Zeus ruined it for everyone.

He's a total tool.

Hey, does everybody's guardian angel make their lives more complicated or just mine?

Oh, my goodness, I think your next angel lesson needs to be gratitude.

(phone beeps)

What was that?

Oh, no.

I never hung up. My dad's answering machine recorded that whole conversation.

What? All the angel talk?

All of the angel talk!

Oh, crap balls! Let me see...

No!

Oh, sh**t! Get it! Get it!

It's dead!

You k*lled it!

It's dead!

Oh! What are we gonna do?

You have to delete that message before he gets home!

How?!

We have no phone, no car and no money!

And no underwear!

How is that relevant?!

I don't know!

I'm stressed!

I thought we were making a list of things we don't have on us!

Oh... Aah!

No money, no car, and, yep, my phone is definitely dead.

Well, silver lining... so is your music collection.

Amy, we've got to delete that message.

I mean, look, my dad was pretty upset when that kid was scamming me with chocolate bars.

Imagine what he'll do when he finds out I let a guardian angel live in my guesthouse.

You don't think I understand the stakes here?

Nobody is supposed to know I'm an angel.

Not only will my own brigade de-wing me and probably reassign me to Estonia, but if your government finds out, I will be captured and quarantined just like E.T.

They are going to cr*ck open my chest and discover my heart is filled with stars!

(stammers) Yeah.

Yeah, those are great lyrics for your new song, yeah.

Um...

♪ cr*ck open my chest ♪
♪ My heart is filled with stars. ♪

Okay, come on.

Come on, we got to get to your dad's.

Yeah, okay, let's go.

Hi there.

I am so sorry to interrupt, but my friend and I are a bit stranded and we just need a little money for bus fare.

It's happening, hon.

Just like the guidebook said.

Do you have any identification?

Oh, no, unfortunately it was stolen on the beach.

Stolen on the beach, yeah.

Yes!

Yeah, we just need a couple bucks to get across town.

Oh, so you can soak that money in vodka and stick it up the dark side of your moon?

Woman: Yeah, we know what that is.

It's all in the guidebook.

What guidebook of L.A. do you have?

Look, I know how this must all sound.

How much money a year do you make in this little scam of yours?

Excuse me?

Well, look at you.

White teeth, perfect hair, sweet sun-kissed California body that just won't...

Stay focused, hon.

All I'm saying is that you and your vested money pimp have chosen the wrong tourists to con today.

Tell me when to pepper spray.

Mm-hmm, not yet.

No, this is just a big misunderstanding!

We're not...

Allison, Allison.

We can either strike preemptively or leave now, okay?

I'm gonna let you decide, however, I am itching to knock the 'tude off that little girl's face.

Yep, let's go. Bye.

Mm-hmm.

Have a great holiday.

Yeah.

You know, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to top your poison oak prank, but this picture is going to look great when I put it on T-shirts.

Use the photo, I don't care.

Oh, come on, this is no fun if your spirit is already crushed.

All right, prank w*r truce.

Tell me what's going on.

This beautiful woman smiled at me...

I call BS.

Before I have a chance to ask her out, she told me I look like her dad.

Y-You didn't still ask her out, did you?

Eight times.

(gasps)

Okay, this can't be about some random babe that sh*t you down.

Otherwise, you'd always look like this.

So, tell me, what-what's really going on?

I just never thought I'd have to worry about looking older.

I was already married to the person I wanted to grow old with.

I can't imagine how hard it was losing Ellen.

I feel like I'm losing a piece of her memory every day.

That's tough.

But Ellen wouldn't want you, you know, sitting around, not living your life.

No, she'd want me to quit whining and get back out there!

So get back out there.

And by the way, you do not need Botox to attract the right woman.

Thank you.

You need a chemical peel.

Worst friend ever.

(beeps)

Good God, that was pure.

Female voice: 170 yards.

Okay, your turn.

30 yards. Nice hit.

Looks like that's your record by about 25 yards.

I didn't even feel like I hit it.

Okay, it's my turn again.

Oh, okay.

Hello? Uh, is this the open house?

Uh, yes it is. Take a look around, flyer's on the table, price is firm, grab some champers, and, yes, the stuffed wolf over there is watching you.

Cool, I'm just looking.

All right, great.

If you get lost, just jump in any of the laundry chutes.

They all go to the same place.

You're more relaxed than I'm used to seeing you.

Not so intense. I like it.

Well, at the office you've only seen me in shark mode.

Trying to land a home sale.

Here I know that's impossible, so, yeah, shark mode is off.

And what animal are you when you're just being yourself?

The mighty otter.

Playful, fun.

Half torso, half trouble.

♪ ♪

We just need to find a policeman.

We can't call the police.

I got priors.

And currents. (chuckles)

Possibly futures.

Well, we have no phone and no money.

I don't see another way.

Allison, listen.

I am an angel, okay?

And when an angel needs money, all she has to do is clap her hands.

Hey, everybody! (whoops)

Gather round, it's showtime!

(whoops)

Allison: What are you doing?

I'm getting us some “casheesh”"

Help a sister out.

(whoops) Yeah!

What, are you gonna do magic for them or...?

Well, I would love to do some magic, but, unfortunately, magicians are very territorial, and whenever there's more than two of us, it's a bloodbath.

Or a sex party.

All right, people, yeah!

Boom! It's all you, kid. Huh?

Do a couple backflips. They'll love it. Me?

I can't do backflips.

Really?

Just lost a little respect.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you Miss Allison!

And her amazing talent... of...

I know all the state capitals?

You heard that, people!

She knows all her state capitals! Yeah!

Prepare to be transported back to fifth grade!

Uh, hmm, okay.

Uh, uh, ma'am, uh, yes.

Where are you from?

Vermont.

Did I hear Nevada?

Nope.

'Cause your capital is Carson City!

Can I get a “what-what”?!

What-what!

Okay, sir, how about you?

I'm also from Vermont.

How is that possible?

Okay, honey, you're losing 'em.

Just do your song.

Oh, oh, okay.

Um.

♪ cr*ck open my chest ♪
♪ My heart is filled with stars... ♪

Okay, let's boogie.

What?

Show's over.

Let's go. Come on.

Look at 'em.

All butts'd up on vodka.

Let's make... Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

Victory!

How was that a victory?

Hey, angel got our cab fare.

Which I will take unless you two can show me a performer's permit.

Damn it, Gerald.

Is there any way you can cut us a break?

For old times' sake?

Sorry, Amy, I'm married now.

(groaning)

Ugh, I cannot be further away from my dad's house right now, and I cannot be more frustrated.

No, I think you could be.

Capital of Vermont is Montpelier.

Damn it.

Please, it's just one phone call.

I will pay your whole bill as soon as I get my money.

What is wrong with people?

That is the tenth person that refused to let me use their cell phone.

Eh, it sounds like everybody's got a bad case of the Allisons, huh?

And they don't want to buy your candy bars.

Listen, I think it's time to try a little angel trick that I like to call “chilling out.

Letting the universe do its thing”"

(scoffs)

Come on, universe.

Do your thing.

The universe?

Amy, we do not have time for your angel nonsense.

We have...

Hey, oh, look who it is!

Well, it's my old pal School Bus.

Of all the people in the universe.

Amy Cass, to what do we owe the pleasure?

Hey, pal, we're in need of your services.

Any way you can give us a ride to Larchmont?

Ooh, that's pretty far out of the way.

We're going to the science museum, and the camp director checks my odometer now thanks to last year's Pechanga Casino incident.

Hey, you think we can make up for that lost time with a 15-minute science lesson?

Okay, but make it engaging, 'cause I'm tired of Finland kicking our asses in the earth sciences.

I hear you, man, and that's where my girl sparkles and shines.

Good to see you.

Nice to see you.

Been at this a while, Walt.

I don't feel any burning.

Well, I have a very gentle touch.

I'll say.

Also, that is 72-hour tanning cream.

(chortles)

You Oompa-Loompa'ed me.

Payback is an orange bitch, my friend.

(laughs)

Prank w*r, back on.

I look like an angry yam.

(Russian accent): To industry, my dear Svetlana.

(Russian accent): Ugh, “business, business.”

Boris, I'm sick of it.

You do not like business?

Business is what pay for fur coat!

Business is what pay for Jaguar car... and jaguar pet!

Is business what also give to my sister Olga diamond necklace?

Lies!

I am only ever loving you.

Then prove it!

(both gasp)

Oh.

Wait, are we... really doing this, or is...?

Shut up and keep kissing me.

Mm-hmm.

And that is why osmosis is... the “awesome-mostest.”

Boo! We learned that, like, two years ago.

Do you have to lose every crowd?

Here, let me do this, okay?

Hey, kids, did you know that you can create gold with just six common household items?

It's called alchemy, and it's totally a real thing.

Okay, don't listen to her.

She's just kidding.

You can't lie to kids like that.

This is science, not the tooth fairy.

Hey.

The tooth fairy is real.

Sure, she has a disgusting habit of collecting teeth, and what she's planning, no one knows, but she is legit, and so is alchemy.

Oh, cut the crap, Amy.

Hey!

I'm gonna have to ask you both to leave.

You violated the first rule of the school bus.

Allison: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

It will not happen again.

We're almost to my dad's.

Are you chewing gum?!

But the kid in the back of the bus gave it to me.

Now.

You're better than this, Allison.

You're better than this.

You know what's so frustrating about this whole thing is that if you and all these cars weren't here, I could run, like, on hyper speed and totally get there in time.

I don't think you'd make it past the first DUI checkpoint.

Hey, why do you find it so hard to believe I am who I am?

'Cause there's zero proof.

Zero? What are you talking about?

Are you kidding?

Why, just today I angeled us up that money.

I got us a bus ride.

I got you to dip your toes in the ocean, which was a very satisfying experience until your possessions were stolen.

See, it seems to me your “angeling” is just cons, delusions and dumb luck.

Wow, well, that cut straight to my star-filled heart.

Look, you want me to believe, do a miracle.

Fly. Glow. Save a life.

Make the Cubs win the World Series.

Oh, honey, no angel can undo a billy goat's curse.

That's convenient.

Listen, I am not allowed to use miracles to prove that I'm an angel, okay?

You either believe or you don't.

And judging by the number of eye rolls I counted today... 14... you don't.

15.

Whoa!

Hey!

You're the guy that was selling us chocolate bars.

So you really are on the football team?

Yeah.

I know, it must have been a little confusing when I said, “I'm on the football team.”

But what are you two doing around here?

Yeah, well, we kind of lost our ride.

This one, chewing gum on the bus.

Well, look, if it'll help you guys out, Ooh.

You can borrow my bike.

Seriously? You would do that?

Well, I would for her.

She bought three candy bars.

Aw...

Thanks so much. Listen, why don't you swing by the house later, pick up your pedal-hog, and my girl here will buy out your entire inventory.

All right, big stuff.

Well, I hope that you appreciate how much trouble I can get into for this miracle.

On, don't even try to claim credit for this.

Now, I can't see you, but I'm assuming that was eye roll number 16.

Hmm.

Hold on.

(theme music from E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial plays)

I got to say, I like Otter Brad more than Shark Brad.

Yeah? Wait till you meet Honey Badger Brad.

He don't give...

You're still here?

I'm gonna take it.

What?

Yeah, I want to buy the whole thing.

It's hilarious.

W... you do realize it's $23 million?

That's fine. My start-up just went public.

Can I have my money manager put in an offer?

Uh, yeah.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, yeah, uh, here's my card.

Yes, yes, give me a call.

Cool. Thank you.

Did you just sell this house?

(laughing): I think I did.

Permission to release Shark Brad for a moment.

Permission granted.

You know what, permission self-denied.

I'm gonna let Otter Brad have this win.

(grunts) I actually don't even know what sound an otter makes. Can we kiss again?

Yeah.

Thank you.

(Clara giggles)

♪ ♪

(whispering): I don't see him. I think we b*at him home.

All right, where's the answering machine?

Marv: Allison, is that you?

I need to talk to you.

Damn.

Oh, my God.

That answers my first question, “Is it noticeable?”

Oh, not at all.

(imitating Tony the Tiger): You look gr-reat!

Oh, God. Do you know how to fix this?

Find a sandbox and ostrich it for six months?

Oh, God, it's getting worse.

(beeps)

Female voice: All messages erased.

What? No.

Oh.

Oops, my hand must have slipped.

What's wrong?

I was saving a message from your mom.

Oh, no.

Oh...

Is this okay?

No.

No.

What did it say?

Oh, it was... it was just a little message about her picking up dinner.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine.

It's probably a sign that I should get out there, move on and let it go, and it's okay, really.

Okay, I'm gonna... go put bleach on my face.

(Amy laughs)

Ah, you're a trooper, Marv.

Get out of my house.

Okay.

Oh, this is hilarious.

I just found 60 bucks in my pocket.

What?!

Unbelievable.

I'm telling you, these vests are great for holding valuables.

Sure, that money might have saved us a little time, but, hey, we did it.

Your dad doesn't think you're crazy.

I'm not gonna get locked up with Bigfoot.

How do you want to celebrate?

Celebrate?!

Are you kidding me?!

What's wrong?

You! You are what's wrong.

None of this would have happened today if you were not around.

I wouldn't have lost my purse, I wouldn't have made that phone call, and I wouldn't have just deleted my mom's last message.

Well, honey, sometimes angels work in mysterious ways.

Stop! You are not an angel.

And you will never do anything to make me believe that you're an angel.

Look out! Bus!

(bus honks)