02x11 - Death and Taxes

[bunniefuu]

Alex: Previously on "Casual"...

I'm here. Are you okay?

What?

How dare you text me from her phone.

Should I just watch while you let your crazy ex-girlfriend set up shop in your living room?

You're supposed to help me get her out.

I can't help you. Not anymore.

I like getting off too, but I like the other part more.

You know, when you get someone and they get you.

You just got sub-grammed.

Have you talked to her since the hospital?

Laura: What's there to talk about?

I think I need to step back from this.

I'm going to discontinue our sessions.

I'm out the next couple weeks, but I'll give you a call when I get back.

[groans] You're so obvious and you're so afraid of anything real that you'd rather blow yourself up than let anyone else in.

Oh, and you have creepy f*cking eyebrows.

So we drop our clubs an... and rush over, uh, the pilot looks all right, but, uh, the plane's leaking fuel, so we undo his straps, pull him out.

He's dazed, obviously, but, um, he's talking, and his voice, I recognize it.

Finally, I realize... it's Harrison Ford. [laughter]

[gentle piano music playing]

♪ ♪

Cheers, mate.

♪ ♪

Makes me think of "Ferris Bueller."

I've, uh... I've never seen it.

You've never seen "Ferris Bueller"?

Nope.

Are you Amish?

British.

I always get those two confused.

♪ ♪

You know, um, Seurat was, um, 26 when he painted this.

So young.

I was 31 when I sold a jingle for an energy drink commercial.

Oh, look at you.

Mm.

I'm Leon.

Oh, um, Leona.

[both laugh]

Really?

I'm... I'm Claire.

I just... I thought that would be funny.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, excuse me.

♪ ♪

Uh, you need to take that?

♪ ♪

No.

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone buzzing]

♪ ♪

[cell phone buzzing]

♪ ♪

[solemn instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[device beeps]

[pensive instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[solemn instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, thank God. What do you see?

Huh? Anything creepy?

Above the eyes, maybe?

Come on, be honest.

Do you know what the most recognizable part of the human face is?

It's the brows, Leon.

The brows.

Look at these things.

I'm like... the Joker.

And not a cool Joker either.

Like, old school, Cesar Romero Joker.

Do you want a cup of coffee, by the way?

You know how much money people spent on eyebrows last year?

$122 million. There's a whole industry built around it.

Extensions, tattoos, gels, there's even something called a brow bar.

Come for a drink, stay for a wax.

Oh, morning, Val. Look who's here.

You guys, uh, want some breakfast?

I could whip us up some waffles.

Hi, Leon.

Alex: Whip you up some pancakes?

Hi.

[exhales] Okay, seriously, man.

Scale of one to ten, how bad are they?

Seven, eight, right?

f*ck.

Eight?

You need professional help.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

Did she say anything to you?

Nope.

Just up and gone.

Yeah, maybe it was too intense for her.

Yeah.

This one.

Mm, gosh, I wish it could be somewhere cool.

Like where?

Like Staples Center.

Buried in a monument to office supplies.

Nice.

And this is where your parents want you?

Yeah, I don't know, it's easier this way.

Easier than what?

Dealing with my mom.

Yesterday I caught her crying 'cause she realized that my suit's too small.

Yeah. I mean, what you gonna do?

Take me shopping for a new funeral suit?

Do you even want to be buried in a suit?

I don't know. I always figured that funerals are black-tie.

It's your party. You should have what you want.

♪ ♪

Wouldn't mind a dope casket.

[elevator bell dings]

Hi there.

[clears throat]

See that car crash on Wilshire?

Gruesome.

Think I saw a severed hand in the median, but light turned green, so guess we'll never know.

Excuse me, this is my usual time.

Yeah.

So normally there's no one in here but me. Just...

Right, totally.

I really appreciate your flexibility.

[exhales sharply] No, you don't understand.

This is my slot every week at this time.

Jennifer promised me that when I arrived...

[door opens]

I would be alone.

Hang on just a second. Hi.

Steven, why don't you head on in.

You promised me.

I know.

I'll be right there.

[quietly] What?

Nothing, just wanted to talk.

You can talk to "Rain Man" first.

I'm... I'm totally fine with that.

[Des'ree's "You Gotta Be" playing]

♪ ♪

Des'ree: ♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪
♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪
♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky ♪
♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪
♪ Go ahead release your fears ♪
♪ Stand up and be counted ♪
♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪
♪ You gotta be ♪

[door closes]

Did we stop for pastries?

Like you're one to talk.

No, you don't just take a ticket and wait to be called on. This is my office.

This isn't a deli.

I was here last week.

As an acquaintance. Not as my patient.

Why can't I be your patient?

Because I have professional boundaries.

Please?

Please, I'm having a bit of a moment here.

[playful music]

[sighs] My friend Barry, very good.

Tell him I referred you.

Call him first.

♪ ♪

Hmm.

Yeah.

Kinda generic for a house of death.

Yeah, it's like a suite at the DoubleTree.

A bit drab, yes, but inoffensive.

Keeps the emphasis on the service.

Hmm.

Can I help you?

We'd like to procure one high-quality casket for my dying friend here.

Have you considered any of the other detail involved in this?

You mean like what I'm gonna wear?

Who will officiate, uh, pallbearers, flowers, music.

Oh, music, that's important.

Oh, what about the... that Wiz Khalifa song from "Fast and Furious"?

No.

You don't like that song?

I think you can do better.

We're still working on music.

Are you sure your parents don't want to be involved in this?

Uh, let's stick with caskets.

Well, there are some options. Obviously, there's, uh... there's price, uh, material, color...

Got any I can test-ride?

Test-ride?

Yeah, you know, like, lie down in?

He's gonna be in there a long time.

Gotta make sure it's a good fit.

We don't maintain the caskets here.

We order them from a warehouse.

Where's the warehouse?

♪ ♪

[cell phone buzzes]

[sighs]

[cell phone buzzing]

[sighs]

[cell phone buzzes]

♪ ♪

You know, there's this hot new setting.

It's called "Do not disturb."

It makes it so that your phone doesn't buzz every ten seconds.

Also, it's great for battery life.

I will look into it.

Oh, do that.

[cell phone buzzes]

[cell phone buzzes]

Mae-Yi's at the doctor.

Drew, I said we could reschedule.

No, it's fine. It's fertility stuff.

Ugh.

Sorry.

How's operation baby-quest, hmm?

Did you find everything your previous life was missing?

It's not so easy.

Sex with a woman half your age rarely is.

I feel like a factory worker.

[laughs]

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, my God.

Drew, answer your phone.

[exhales deeply]

Hey.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

So do it then.

I said "do it." What do you want me to say?

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

♪ Trouble in paradise ♪

Don't.

♪ The honeymoon is over ♪

Stop it.

♪ Young love's hit a rocky road ♪

f*cking quit it.

Drew. What's the matter?

Can't you just be happy that I'm miserable?

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[slurps]

[exhales]

[clears throat]

You looking at my eyebrows?

Why would you say that?

Seems like you are.

I'm looking at your eyes, and they're just below you eyebrows.

They're close to one another. Eyes and eyebrows, so... you can see why I might think that.

Is that why we're here?

About your brows?

Of course not. No, I got in a fight... fights.

Things were said.

Like what?

Usual stuff. You did this, you did that.

You have creepy eyebrows.

So the fight was about eyebrows.

No.

What then?

Uh... [exhales sharply]

With my sister or my ex?

Why don't you pick one.

Well, with my sister, it was... I, um... you know, normal sibling stuff, and with my ex, it was...

I mean, that's just a cruel thing to say, "You have creepy eyebrows."

[slurps]

[swallows and exhales]

Do you think this focus on your eyebrows is distracting you from something bigger?

Like what?

Why don't you try and talk it out?

[slurps]

You know what's distracting?

Mm?

You slurping on that tea like a g*dd*mn camel at an oasis.

Personally, I prefer a solid wood.

But that's me.

I like a nice walnut.

Buried my mother in a walnut.

Some people like steel.

Steel's okay too. It's very modern.

Uh, is it okay if we just look around.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Take your time.

This one's not bad.

Classy.

Nah, lining feels a little cheap.

Mm.

Ooh, I like that glossy black one.

There's velvet inside too.

Of course.

What?

You would pick the goth one.

I'm not goth.

Mm, you are a little bit.

f*ck you, am not. I don't even own any black.

A little Wednesday Addams-ish.

This one's not bad.

[lilting music]

How's it feel?

Why don't you come see?

♪ ♪

Well, that was excruciating.

Aw, come on. It was fun.

Are you okay?

No, but at least our taxes are done.

Oh, my God.

What?

Valerie: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, my God.

It's Anthony.

Who?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Why?

Go... just 'cause you make an effective human shield. Go.

♪ ♪

[door opens]

I should have just given the $200 to a parrot.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Does anyone ever tell you "no"?

Yeah, all the time.

Do you listen?

Look, I get it.

You can't see me. It's a conflict of interest.

Fine.

Will you please just talk to me for one hour as a friend?

Okay, fine.

One hour, but we do it out here.

Not in there.

[indistinct chatter]

Drew: Val?

What?

Why are we stalking your patient?

Ex-patient.

He left me for that psychopath.

Great, now he's her problem. Can I go now?

No, I just... I just have to know.

What do you have to know?

Why he left me for her.

Were you f*cking him?

Of course not.

There you go.

Best therapy in the world won't Tr*mp good sex.

That's stupid.

No matter how good the sex is, eventually it becomes pat.

Repetition breeds predictability.

Remember?

That's not what happened to us.

Man: Would you like to start off with something to drink?

Yes, please. Black coffee for me, and a cafe latte 2%, flat foam for her, please.

[playful music]

Oh, stop it.

Ha-ha.

♪ ♪

What do you think?

Mm, comfy enough.

Could use a massager.

One of those Brookstone recliners?

Yeah, in case you get buried alive.

[both chuckle]

That would literally be the most useless thing I could think of in that situation.

What about a can opener?

At least you can try and bust out with a can opener.

Mm, I'd rather have a massager.

Mm.

[chuckles]

Oh, here.

Smile.

[camera clicks]

[chuckles]

Oh, sh*t, you know what'd be funny?

If you were my social media steward.

Your what?

Yeah, think about it.

Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, you can manage 'em for me.

Oh, my God, how funny would that be?

I guess.

Like, six months after I die, you post a picture of me coming out of a coffin like, "Guess who's back, b*tches?"

And geotag everything from the cemetery, that way it feels authentic.

We should make some Vines in this thing.

Where you going?

Hey.

Hey, come on.

I'm not gonna be some stupid social media manager.

Steward.

Whatever.

I'm just messing around.

Well, it's not funny.

Seriously? All you do is cr*ck jokes.

I mean, this whole day was your idea.

Look, I know.

Then why are you all pissed at me?

Because I don't want you to die.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[inhales deeply]

How did it come up?

[exhales sharply]

I just kind of blurted it out when she was yelling at me.

Had you talked about Emmy before?

No, I didn't see the point.

I mean, you can't unsink the Titanic.

Did it feel good to get that off your chest?

Yeah, sure. I said what I needed to say, and I feel fine now, but it's only made things worse.

How do you mean?

She's still mad at me.

I think she's even madder than before.

Or she's mad at herself.

She thinks I've been sabotaging her for 30 years.

Have you?

No.

I mean, even if I had, 30 years ago, I was five.

Can't blame a five-year-old for anything.

Most people I talk to have a very different relationship with their siblings.

In what way?

Their lives are less intertwined.

Well, we share a history of parental neglect.

That doesn't mean you have to do everything together.

It's just how we are.

Maybe that's why she's so angry.

I think it might be worth exploring what brought you guys so close together.

Feels to me like her anger and yours may be a little misplaced.

You think we became familiar?

I don't know.

I think after 17 years, it was inevitable.

And that didn't bother you?

Not enough to cheat.

Not that I didn't think about it.

I just... I don't know.

Just never listened to the little voice inside my head.

Do you wish you had?

I wish you hadn't.

How many people have you been with since we ended?

Uh, a handful.

Anything stick?

No.

Good sex, at least?

The intimacy was fleeting.

Ah.

How's Mae-Yi?

In bed?

Yeah, sure.

She's fine.

Familiar?

It was better at first.

When it was illicit.

See, that's the paradox, right?

Mm-hmm.

You get the intimate, you lose the illicit.

And the illicit can't sustain by itself.

Seems we're destined to be unsatisfied.

Unless... you find a way to cheat intimately.

Have illicit sex with someone who knows you.

If only.

[lilting music]

Valerie: Oh. [chuckles softly]

sh*t, didn't even see 'em leave.

Drew: I'll get the check.

Okay.

♪ ♪

Mm.

All right, see you at the signing.

Actually, I think we're supposed to mail 'em in.

They mail settlement papers?

Yeah.

Really?

I think we're supposed to sign 'em and send 'em and then it's finished.

Officially divorced.

By court decree.

[clicks tongue] Well...

I guess I will see you around then, I guess.

I imagine so.

I mean, we do have a child together.

How is our child?

She is the best.

Are you going this way too?

Yeah.

No, I'm just messing with you. [laughs]

What?

Hey, man, spare a little change?

Oh, thank you, brother. I appreciate it.

Yep.

It's all your fault, you know.

Excuse me?

I said, "It's all your fault."

You're the problem.

But we all end up in the same place in the end.

Right, brother?

[laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Lord, have mercy.

[Harry Nilsson's "I'd Rather Be Dead"]

Harry: ♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Than wet my bed ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Harry: ♪ I said dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Than wet my bed ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, I'd rather be gone ♪

All: ♪ Than carry on ♪
♪ I'd rather go away ♪
♪ Than feel this way ♪

Harry: ♪ Oh, I'd rather be there ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where you haven't got a care ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And you're better off dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Though it doesn't seem fair ♪

♪ ♪

Yeah.

All: ♪ Oh, I'd rather be dead ♪

Harry: ♪ Oh, I'd rather be dead ♪

All: ♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

Harry: ♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

All: ♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

[together] ♪ Than wet my bed ♪

All: ♪ I'd rather be dead ♪
♪ I'd rather be dead ♪
♪ I'd rather be dead ♪

Harry: ♪ I said dead-e-e-ed ♪

[together] ♪ Than wet my bed ♪
♪ I'd rather keep my health ♪

Harry: ♪ I'll keep my health ♪

[together] ♪ And dress myself ♪

Harry: ♪ And dress myself ♪

[together] ♪ But you're better off dead ♪

Harry: ♪ But you're better off dead ♪

[together] ♪ Than sitting on a shelf ♪

Men: ♪ I'll tie my tie ♪
♪ Till the day I die ♪
♪ But if I have to be fed ♪
♪ Than I'd rather be dead ♪

[together] ♪ And when he takes my hand ♪