02x07 - Carter

[bunniefuu]

Julie: Tourists!

Billy: Come to our show.

Julie: Hey, tourists!

Billy: No need to wait in line for Broadway show tickets.

New show "Swiftical," the musical.

We want to see "Hamilton."

But it's the New York Fringe Festival.

Come on. Taylor Swift. It's tomorrow night.

Oh, we want to see "Hamilton," though.

Well, Lin-Manuel Miranda endorsed our show.

His quote is right there on the flyer.

Who is Lin-Manuel Miranda?

We want to see "Hamilton."

Ugh. These mutants.

I'll go get us some Bubba Gump.

Where'd you get that Lin-Manuel quote?

I made it up.

Brilliant.

Hey, you look like you were homeschooled.

Come see our show.

It's about your hero, Taylor Swift.

Yeah, and it's also about "Hamilton."

Do you think this is the closest these people have ever been to an actual Jew before?

Probably the closest is ordering a cinnamon-raisin bagel at Einstein Brothers.

Oh, my God, that chain. Do you think they did a focus group and they were like, "Okay, which Jew do you hate least?"

And people were like, “I don't know. Albert Einstein.”

Yeah, well, what's the one other national bagel brand people know?

Lenders.

I know. Exactly.

Because Money-Lending, Hook-nosed, Sneaky, Showbusiness Rat Jew Bagels was too long of a name to fit on the bag.

Hey! You guys like comedy?

Well, we used to.

Yeah. Now we do it.

(Driving punk rock music)

♪ ♪

I tried to get us reservations at Le Cirque, but this place is way more expensive.

Remember on Real Housewives when Aviva Drescher threw her leg at Le Cirque?

I wonder if they got to keep that leg.

What if it's attached to their restroom key?

"Mom, this is very generous of you."

Mom, this is very generous of you to take us out to lunch to celebrate our big play opening tomorrow night.

Play? That's not ringing any bells.

No. I invited you here because I have very good news.

Savannah Guthrie finally found an eye shadow that flatters her?

You know, I never knew it was possible for a woman to clash with their own eyelids.

I have been tapped by Bravo to be an in-house psych consultant when they audition reality show cast members!

What?

They bring me women; I interview them; and then I give them my professional opinion whether they would have a nervous breakdown and whether that breakdown would be compelling television.

Who do you know at Bravo?

And can they please explain "The People's Couch"?

A very sweet therapist friend of mine was up for the job and she wanted me to write a recommendation, but instead I submitted myself.

So you Gwyneth Paltrow'd the job right from under her nose?

So I am going to help cast the new "Real Housewives of New York City."

Well, Mom, maybe I should give you a heads-up about the kind of women who are stars on that network.

Why? Because I can't do my own job?

No. It's because you haven't watched those shows and I have more experience.

Honestly, Julie, when did my good news become all about you?

Moments after my theater debut became about your new television job.

I am very good at diagnosing people quickly.

Yes. I am too.

As soon as I saw Paula Abdul dancing around with that cartoon cat, I knew that woman would have a problem with pills.

(Laughs)

Thanks again for forcing Billy to cast me in his Taylor Swift musical, Mommy.

Muah.

Casting you was common sense.

You're a god damn star.

Besides, I told him that if he didn't cast you, he couldn't have the night off.

(Chuckles)

Who knows? Maybe it'll be a big hit like "Hamilton."

You mean the play I wrote?

God damn it. Not again.

No, no, no. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote "Hamilton."

Bullshit.

Lin and I went to the same elementary school in Inwood.

In the fourth grade, I presented a book report on Alexander Hamilton, and it rhymed.

That's when Lin got the idea.

Now he's onstage every night, and that could've been me getting the MacArthur Genius Grant for making hip-hop accessible to Ben Brantley.

Oh, I'm so sorry that instead you're a successful business owner with a gorgeous wife.

This guy.

Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen?

Is there some sort of sex party the trans waitress wasn't invited to?

Take two.

Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen?

If Alec Baldwin is coming in here, I refuse to serve his problematic ass.

(Together) Bring it on.

Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen?

If CeeLo Green is coming in here, I have not forgotten his tweets about r*pe.

Brava.

We feel good about that one?

Restaurant week starts off tomorrow.

We've got 400 customers coming in a single day.

Oh, the meat just came.

Tonight the vegetables come, and we'll be good to go.

Ugh. We better be.

Restaurant Week is our only chance to undo the damage done by that evil Zagats.

So you don't want me to come in?

Is that it? I'm the secret shame?

I'm just supposed to hide out of sight?

Girl, you're not getting the night off.

f*ck!

Got 400 people coming through.

Denise, mama, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Tommy Tune and those seven chorus boys: it's physically impossible to fit all those people in here.

But it sure would be fun to try.

Both: (Laugh)

Candidate number 23.

When do I get to meet Andy Cohen?

Please focus, Marilyn.

Would Melissa make a good housewife?

You know, it's funny.

Melissa... she said something to me that reminded me of my wedding.

It was 1969. I was a knockout.

Stay on topic, Marilyn.

Is Melissa stable enough to be on a reality show?

Well, stability is subjective. A couple of years ago, I thought that stevia was the right sweetener for me.

My A1C had come back...

Moving on.

Olivia. We worry that Olivia may too normal for the show, but fans do like strong, confident women.

Let me stop you right there.

Strength and confidence are two different things.

Let me explain why I have both.

Marilyn, we've reviewed 25 of the candidates...

At $1, 000 a pop.

And it's clear that evaluating others may not be the best job for you.

Well, f*ck you, too, and I've already invoiced you.

But I think I may have another job for someone as self-inclined as you.

Go on.

Baby, you were so right about moving the tables.

Yeah. I'm always so right.

Yeah, but sometimes you're so wrong.

Come on. Just call the vegetable people.

They should've been here hours ago.

You know, you're even cute when you're worried about the vegetables coming on time.

All right, well, why don't I hit you with my car, you'll become a vegetable, and then I'll pull the plug?

Oh, you gonna pull my plug? Is that what you're gonna do?

You gonna pull my plug, huh?

Why are you so nasty?

Please, come and pull my...

No, this is not an obscene phone call.

I'm sorry. This is Nate from D's.

What time are my vegetables coming?

Julie: Why can't our owner just leave us at home?

We're cats. We hate traveling.

I know. Of all the people in the world who could have adopted us, why that bitch Taylor Swift?

And then we sing the "Let Me sh*t Alone In A Box" song.

Okay. Do you want to go from the top?

Yep. Sounds good.

Oh, my God. Billy. We're almost sold out.

What? We've never sold out one of our shows.

We've never even sold out like half of one of our shows.

And all we did was quote the guy who wrote "Hamilton" on the flyer... I mean, success by association.

Billy: You know, when we decided to do that, I was a little worried, but now I know we were doing the right thing.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Are you Billy Epstein and Julie Kessler?

Aw! A fan.

What's your name, little buddy?

Oh, hold on. Let me guess. It's Bryce.

Are you gay, Bryce? What can we sign for you?

It's from Shake It Off, Incorporated.

You've been served.

It's a cease and desist from Taylor Swift, herself.

What?

Billy!

I think you may be better for the show if you were on it.

The truck just hit a damn costume shop on 72nd Street.

The vegetables are not coming.

How would you feel about being Countess LuAnn's new shrink?

We can't do "Swiftical"!

Both: f*ck!

Terrific!

(Upbeat music)

Well, if the show's off, I'm gonna fire Matthew.

That's the only upside to this.

(Line trills)

Matthew: Hey.

Hey, Matthew.

Matthew: What?

Yeah, hey, the show's canceled, so you're fired.

Matthew: (Screaming)

Okay.

The only thing more depressing than having a Fringe Festival show is having to cancel a Fringe Festival show.

Yeah. It's kind of flattering that we were even on her radar enough for us to get sued.

f*cking Taylor Swift.

Oh, hey, look. It's the two losers from "The Moth" last year.

Who the f*ck are you?

Andrea Mumford.

Really? I remember the two generic white Jews on stage making pop culture references in lieu of jokes, and you have no recall of a girl in a wheelchair doing spoken word poetry about her r*pist uncle for 45 minutes?

Listen, lady. We meet a lot of people.

Okay.

What are you even doing here?

Oh, I have to ask the Fringe organizers to move my show to a bigger venue.

We keep adding dates, but they keep selling out.

Of course you have a Fringe show.

Yeah, I'm doing a one-woman version of "Snowpiercer" where I play all the roles, including the train.

I've already gotten seven Obies, and it's not even in previews.

"Ooh, I'm a train."

"I'm a train. Choo-choo-choo."

f*ck you.

f*ck you too.

You know what? Let me guess.

You two dipshits have a show, too, but nobody's seeing it, so you're here to ask for your deposit back.

The joke's on you, Andrea.

They don't give you your deposit back.

And as a matter of fact, we're just here on a victory lap because our show just sold out in such record time.

Pretty important show, too, you know.

Not, like, a train thing, you know.

No.

It's like... kind of picks up where "Hamilton" left off.

Really? "Hamilton"?

How is your show anything like "Hamilton"?

Our show's exactly like "Hamilton."

Mm-hm.

For starters, it's about another president.

Well, Hamilton was never a president.

Yeah, and like Hamilton, it's a president that people don't really write about a lot, so our take on him is pretty unique.

I'm gonna tell you one more time: Hamilton was never president.

Yeah. Nothing wrong with another musical about presidents.

Andrea, how are you?

Hi, Raul.

Good to see you.

Thank you. You too.

You know, Billy and Julie here were just telling me how fast their show sold out.

"Swiftical"? Really?

Your important "Hamilton" show is called "Swiftical"?

No. It's called "Carter."

Mm-hm.

'Cause it's about Jimmy Carter.

Mm-hm.

Heard of him?

Yeah, and we were just coming here to ask Raul if we could change the title.

Yeah. We're changing it to "Carter."

"Swiftical" is now "Carter."

Oh, great. Well, how much like "Hamilton" is it?

Is there rapping in it?

Yes.

Is there hip-hop dancing?

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, I certainly hope that I can get a ticket, 'cause I'll be there.

I certainly hope you will.

Oh, I certainly will.

Great. Yeah. See if you can get a ticket.

Probably can't, though.

Oh, don't worry.

Matthew: What?

Hey, Matthew. It's Billy.

The show's back on. You're re-hired.

Matthew: (Screaming)

Oh, God.

f*cking Andrea Mumford. Why did we lie to her?

I don't know, but we did, and now we have a show tomorrow, and we don't have a single idea.

You could always change the subject matter but keep the material.

Arthur, it's very sweet of you to help, but please leave the art to the artists, and the farts to the fartists.

Okay, hear me out.

What if we change the subject matter, but we keep the material?

That's what I just said.

Are you suggesting that we Weird Al our own musical?

Change the lyrics but leave the melodies intact?

Without ever once brushing out our natural curls? Yes!

Oh, my God. That's brilliant. So all we have to do is change the Taylor Swift specifics to Jimmy Carter specifics, and we're home free.

Yeah. We'll replace John Mayer with Yasser Arafat.

(Hip-hop music)

♪ Throughout his second term, he, Roz and Amy ♪
♪ Ate their chicken fried ♪
♪ He pissed Israelis off ♪
♪ He called their policies apartheid ♪

Both: ♪ Carter, you did a lot of things I guess ♪
♪ Carter ♪
♪ Your second wife was Sharon Gless ♪

Autosave.

The new script is very creative, but I'm not comfortable being credited as historical advisor.

But it's sweet that I included you.

Yes, but there are things in here that are not accurate.

Like what?

Well, at no point did Jimmy Carter weigh in on Suzanne Somers' salary dispute with the producers of "Three's Company."

And it took me a long time to figure out who you were confusing Rosalynn Carter with, but it's Emmylou Harris.

Oh, sh*t. We need to get the "Carter" flyers printed.

Are there any Kinko's left in New York City?

I think there's one.

But you have to go on the deep web to find it.

Don't just stand there, dear.

Cook us breakfast, and then find it.

And just because Jimmy Carter is from Georgia does not mean he knew NeNe Leakes.

Arthur!

Why can't you support me?

Marilyn: Julie!

Julie: Mom. Hi.

Wow, this is where you're doing your show?

It's like the cellar from "Silence of the Lambs," but you haven't lost weight yet.

What do you want, Mom? I'm busy.

Bravo has asked me to be on camera as Countess LuAnn's therapist!

What?

They were looking for someone who felt the benefits of television exposure outweighed the slippery slope of patient confidentiality.

Et voilà!

All right. I got a lot of work to do.

Congrats. I'll talk to you later.

Well, wait. You watch that show.

You mentioned before that you might have some advice.

Nope. Nothing. No advice.

Just be yourself, away from me.

Why are you sulking?

I guess I'm just processing the fact that my mom is gonna be on TV before I am, and that my first exposure to audiences will be as a reality star's daughter.

Did you say star?

All right. You know what, Mom?

My Jimmy Carter musical is in less than 11 hours, and I need to rehearse, so...

Carter? I hope you have a song about how much Israeli blood is on his hands from his negotiations with Hamas.

Don't you pitch me ideas that you clearly lifted from "Kiss Me Kate."

So these were all just lying in the street, covered in glitter?

Yes. A truck crashed into that costume store on 72nd Street...

The one near the last remaining Kinko's in New York City.

I took everything era-specific I could find.

That is insane. Although, I have to say I kind of wish there was a way we could use some of the Taylor Swift stuff, you know?

Like, that cow costume is amazing for the Tennessee hoedown.

You're right.

There has to be a way we can use it.

Yeah, and we have to use those f*cking kitten costumes too.

And...

I mean, we got to use Mr. Pea...

Don't even say the name.

I don't want to risk getting sued again.

But, yes, we have to make Matthew wear this.

We'll just call him something else.

Oh, and the flyers came out great too.

Look at these. And it turns out Lin-Manuel Miranda loves this show too.

Ooh, let me see.

Here. We have to make Matthew give those out.

Okay, but you know I can only be outside for about five minutes at a time.

I'm very sensitive to low temperatures.

As you know, my body fat levels are virtually Chenowethian.

f*ck you, Matthew.

Yeah.

What are you two amateurs doing?

We have less than four hours until the show starts, and we haven't even run Amy Carter's dream ballet.

Speaking of dreams, Matthew, I hope one day yours are crushed.

The only thing that's getting crushed of mine is whatever Mr. Sondheim wants when I'm finally invited to his alleged sex dungeon.

What a gorgeous view, LuAnn.

Yeah. Right?

That's what you get when you live in a penthouse.

Good morning, everyone. Countess, how are you?

Morning.

Marilyn, I'm Allison.

Cheryl, who you met at Bravo... she had a nervous breakdown.

Oh!

And because she was in Thailand when it happened, their euthanasia laws... long story short, she's probably dead.

Oh.

But, silver lining, I'm producing your segment now.

All right. Well, okay.

Well, I've never counseled a patient in her own home before.

Oh, just treat it like a normal therapy session.

Yeah, like a normal, well-lit therapy session with cameras and a Countess.

All right, well, so far it's fun.

All right. Good.

Let's go. When do we start?

Oh, we've been recording since you got here.

You didn't get me yelling at her housekeeper, did you?

Here's why you don't need her side of the story...

Can we talk about my fight with Sonja, please?

Of course. Which camera do I look at?

Now, see, here's where my daughter Julie could help me.

Do you have a daughter?

I do.

You do? Do you get along?

We get along great. She's amazing.

Oh, you are so lucky.

Honestly, all I do is fight with my daughter.

I don't know what it is. I do everything I can.

There's always friction. I think she's jealous of me.

That's too bad, but can we get back to my therapy session, please?

Yes, of course. Go ahead.

So I tell Sonja I'm writing another book, and she totally checks out on me.

Well, of course I'd need to know a little bit more, LuAnn, but off the top, I'd say that you're dancing around the real conflict.

I am not. Although, I'm an excellent dancer.

Well, so am I.

No, I'm a really good dancer.

Yeah, well, I've won championships.

Anyway, why is Sonja upset that you're writing a book?

Maybe because it's a toaster oven cookbook, and her whole thing is cooking with a toaster oven?

Well, I don't think she's jealous of you.

I think she feels that you're trying to one-up her in her realm... just like I did with Julie.

You know, I have a very good idea that I think will help you and Sonja.

There is a play that I think is important for all of us to see.

Well, if it's "Kinky Boots," I've seen it 11 times.

Cyndi keeps asking me for notes. I mean, at this point, you have to say, "What's done is done."

Holy sh*t. We've got a full house.

sh*t. sh*t.

Okay. We can do this.

"Now we're just gonna put on our wigs and play make-believe," just as John Travolta and Kelly Preston say to each other every morning.

Places. Thank you. Places.

Yes. But first we pray.

Our Father, Guido Sarducci, who art in Don Novello, thank you for this audience.

On the count of three. One, two, three.

(Together) Carter!

You know, I know we don't get along, but I really love you guys.

(Banjo music)

Howdy. I'm Professor Cashews.

I'm here to tell you a story about a peanut farmer who became president.

Oh!

Mind if I put these kitten skins down and sit a spell?

(Audience muttering)

Man: Oh, jeez. Unbelievable.

Now, let me see.

Woman: That was the worst.

Matthew: Our story starts at a humanity habitat being built for poors.

Make sure you get a lot of footage of my daughter, right there.

Mind you don't hurt your thumb, Gloria Steinem.

You might break a nail.

Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.

Julie: You know what, Jimmy Carter?

You can go f*ck yourself.

(Audience shushing)

We're invisible.

Man: Be quiet.

Marilyn: We're invisible.

I am not sitting with Sonja. I am not.

Just sit in there. It's all right.

I'm not sitting next to her!

I'll sit between you.

Fair-weather bitch.

♪ I was a peanut farmer ♪
♪ I was a Southern charmer ♪
♪ Makin' Palestine my Valentine ♪
♪ Like Greg meetin' Dharma ♪

Sonja. Sonja. Come on. Just be cool.

Oh, like, don't be uncool?

All right? Just be cool.

Sonja, please.

Can it, Countess.

Oh, my God.

I hate her.

I hate you.

All right, Countess, please.

sh*t.

Matthew's show started half an hour ago, and we're still chopping vegetables.

Not our fault. The veggie truck didn't come.

We need to prep. We have priorities.

Yeah, but are they the right priorities?

You know, we have a family restaurant, but no family... if we don't leave this place to someone, they'll turn it into a Chase bank or a CVS or condos that only Russian sex traffickers can afford.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying that...

What, baby?

I think we should adopt a baby.

Are you serious? Because you hate kids.

Only 'cause I'm not related to them.

Okay, what about Matthew?

Matthew's grown.

He's getting married. He doesn't even need me anymore.

Sunrise, sunset.

Hey, listen. I've been suggesting we have kids ever since I went to that "Yo Gabba Gabba" concert by myself and was detained by security.

Let's go to Connecticut.

We'll adopt a white baby. We'll be like the reverse of those celebrities that go to Africa.

Or Sandra Bullock. Remember?

She got a Katrina baby from New Orleans after that n*zi cheated on her.

Mm-hmm.

f*ck Restaurant Week. f*ck these vegetables.

Baby, I feel so good about this.

Me too. Really good.

Yeah.

I'm Ronald Reagan.

And this is a song about my legacy.

Put that away.

Put it away.

♪ I ♪
♪ I ignored AIDS, I ignored AIDS ♪

I don't understand what this play has to do with Carter.

Or us. Or anything.

♪ I ignored AIDS ♪
♪ AIDS ♪

This is just a waste of our time.

(Overlapping whispers)

Man: Shut up!

Let's go to the tanning salon in Chelsea.

At least there people recognize us... sorry.

What were we even fighting about?

I don't know.

Stay. Keep sh**ting.

(Gentle rock music)

♪ Gene Simmons, David Bowie ♪
♪ At your service to show ♪
♪ A lot of stuff about a president you hardly even know ♪
♪ The '70s were crazy, I got a ton of poon ♪
♪ I drink Liz Taylor's lady juice ♪
♪ Right out of a coke spoon ♪
♪ Carter b*at Gerald Ford ♪
♪ And gave the White House solar panels ♪
♪ Gave us ten new HBO channels ♪
♪ Skateboarded with Andrew Rannells ♪
♪ Why does this Southern Baptist matter? ♪
♪ What's he teaching us sluts? ♪
♪ That ignoring Carter's legacy is totally nuts ♪

All: ♪ Carter, you are a martyr ♪
♪ And you were smarter than other Carters ♪
♪ Like Aaron, Nick, Beyonce, Nell, Lynda, Dixie, Graydon ♪
♪ Well ♪
♪ Carter, now we know about you ♪

(Scattered claps)

Man: Whoo.

I don't think they got it.

Yeah, well, if they stayed, they would have.

(Sighs)

I'm gonna go get the AIDS cow.

Okay.

Denise: There he is.

(Gasps)

There's my big star.

Mama De-neesy Nash, you made it.

Of course. And I have wonderful news.

Come on. Sit.

Nate and I have decided to adopt a baby, and you're gonna be a big brother.

No!

(Sobbing)

He took it much better than I thought.

Yeah.

(Sobbing)

Oh. Julie.

I came to your show. I brought cameras.

I noticed.

Because you should be on TV.

Not me.

Well, Marilyn, you did the impossible.

LuAnn and Sonja are no longer fighting.

I told you I knew what I was doing.

The LuAnn/Sonja conflict was supposed to be the arc of this whole season.

Remind me what arc means in your world and who LuAnn is.

Now I got to start sh*t with Bethenny.

Marilyn, you're fired.

I should have given you advice when you asked for it.

Yeah, you're always selfish that way.

You want to grab a couple of AIDSy's hooves?

Lin-Manuel: Hello?

Who said I said this show was better than mine?

Lin-Manuel Miranda?

Yeah, I know who I am. Who the f*ck are you?

I'm Billy. Hey, can Julie and I have tickets to "Hamilton"?

No.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Lin-Man-well, well, well.

You steal any fourth-grade book reports lately?

Nate. f*ck, dude.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I just wanted an apology.

(Sighs)

Enjoy your Tonys.

Oh, I do.

Sometimes I pretend one's a boy Tony and one's a girl Tony, and I make them kiss.

Not that two boy Tonys can't kiss.

I don't know why I said that. That's very heteronormative.

It's just I've already named them: Roger and Desiree.

Anyway, it's great to see you. You'll hear from my lawyer.

Hey, can I be in "Hamilton"?

Sure. We rehearse on Monday.

Really?

Lin-Manuel: No!

You know, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: That was the best play I ever saw in my life.

Really?

Yes.

Thank you, Arthur.

Thanks, babe.

Andrea: Guys, I really loved it too.

In all seriousness. I'm not kidding.

Julie: You're not f*cking with us?

No.

Thanks, Mumford.

Yes. Thank you very much.

That means a lot.

Yeah, no problem.

Oh, hey, there.

Hello.

Wanna get some coffee sometime?

Oh, uh...

Excuse me.

Hi. What's going on?

This is my boyfriend. Back off, bitch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're f*cking that?

Oh, my God.

When you're ready for some A+ p*ssy, my number's on the card.

Excuse me? Hey, take a hike, Shining Time Station.

I'll shine your station.

Billy: There she goes, the midnight train to Georgia.

That was very rude.

Julie: You gonna call her?

Arthur: Of course not.

Wait. Where's Matthew?

(Sobbing)

(Jazzy percussive music)

♪ ♪

Hey, you like comedy?

No!

Don't be a d*ck!

No!

♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
♪ You thought it was the only way to go ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Another way out ♪
♪ Found on the way home ♪
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
♪ But you were living slow ♪
♪ ♪