02x11 - Bosom Buddies

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music blaring]

♪ Fire up that loud, another round of sh*ts ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪
♪ ♪

I can't feel my legs!

[laughing]

♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪

Get in here, Gaffigan, you [bleep].

♪ ♪

[slurring] In exactly one half hour, the women's U.S. Beach Volleyball Team is gonna be here.

[all cheering]

[laughing]

That's never gonna happen.

Why not? It could happen.

It could ha... if you had any balls.

I mean, isn't-isn't that what boring married guys do when their wife and kids go out town?

Not if they want to remain married.

Ah!

Besides, we've gone over this.

I have a very tight schedule this weekend.

Oh.

After my show tonight, I'm gonna go home, get delivery, and do nothing.

Mm.

Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna sleep in.

Maybe I'll get up, take a nap, do nothing.

Then I'll do the "New Yorker" thing. Then I go home, finishing off the weekend doing nothing.

I'm gonna enjoy the weekend of silence.

That "New Yorker" thing, that's Saturday night.

We're still gonna go, ah, watch the Yankees first, though, right?

Why do you want to watch the Yankees at Hooters?

Because it's Hooters. Come on, it'll be fun.

Who doesn't love Hooters?

Me.

I don't want to leave my apartment this weekend.

[sighs] Depressing.

Who, me or you?

[man beatboxing]

[sighs]

[man humming and beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

Female TV presenter: Bacon, cheese and beer hotdog...

Big order, huh?

Yeah.

Here's your Thai food.

Thanks.

You having a party or something?

Uh... er... yeah.

Hey, kids, Thai food's here!

They're on iPads.

Here's your pizza, Jim.

Ah, uh, thanks, Hector. Uh...

Kids, pizza's here!

Slumber party.

[intercom buzzes]

Hello?

Delivery.

Uh... uh, wrong... wrong apartment.

Delivery. Gaffigan?

Ugh... yeah, come on up.

[intercom buzzes]

My neighbor, he... uh, he's got no legs.

[man scatting]

Girl on TV: It's fun to have a sleep out under the stars...

[intercom buzzing]

[intercom buzzing]

[sighs]

[intercom buzzing]

[intercom buzzing]

[sighs]

Dave, I told you not to come over.

It's Daniel. I forgot my key.

Daniel? Uh-uh-uh, Jeannie's not gonna be back till Sunday.

She's not here?

Uh, yeah, I'll let her know you came by.

No, no, no, Jim, it's an emergency!

[sighs]

[intercom buzzes]

[sighs]

[man beatboxing]

♪ ♪

[rapid knock at door]

[steady knock at door]

[jazzy music]

[sighs]

[sighs]

It's over with Trevor.

H-how'd you get up five flights of stairs?

Did you hear me? Trevor! It's over!

Oh.

Sorry to hear that.

He's cheating on me. And you're never gonna guess with who.

Andy Cohen!

Can you believe it? I don't know what to do.

Uh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry Jeannie's not here.

I'll let you get back to wherever it is you're going.

Maybe I should just stay here.

But... but you... you have your own apartment that you own and you live in.

Trevor's there.

Shouldn't he leave?

I can't go back. He doesn't even know that I know yet.

W-well... what about your mom?

Doesn't... doesn't she live on the Upper East Side?

I am not gonna stay with that woman. You know how she is.

Daniel, I've never met your mother.

Jim, we all had dinner together a month ago!

That... that was your mom?

Yeah, but I don't know her.

I don't know your mother, I don't know Trevor, and I'm not even 100% sure who Andy Cohen is.

Okay, so my life is just meaningless to you?

Look, isn't there a friend you can stay with?

No, Jim, I can't let anybody who I care about what they think see me like this.

I was gonna get a hotel room.

That's a great idea. Get a hotel room.

Well, you know what I realized?

I shouldn't be alone right now.

Jim, I just need a place where I can safely fall apart.

Why here?

'Cause, Jim, you've already given up on life, so nothing you say is gonna make me feel any worse about myself.

One night, one night. You'll never even know that I'm here.

And I know you're gonna want me to take the big bed in the master, but, Jim, I insist; I'm gonna sleep on the couch, and you're not even gonna...

[door slams]

[man beatboxing]

[indistinct speech on TV]

He just showed up here.

Oh, that's why I have so many voice mails from Daniel.

Wait, why are the kids still awake?

Jim, we just got here.

The flight was two hours delayed. Joseph wet his pants on the flight.

I had to wrap him up in an airplane blanket.

You think that's bad? Because Daniel is here, I can't watch TV in the living room.

There's a TV in the bedroom, Jim.

But all the good snacks are out there.

Anyway, Daniel must be heartbroken. He was crazy about Trevor.

I'm so glad you offered to let him stay.

That was the right thing to do.

Boing! Hey.

Careful. Ooh.

Ow! Mommy!

I got to go.

I love you.

All right, I love you too.

[sighs]

Woman on TV: Now, use tongs or a spider spatula.

Daniel: Sure, I've lost weight, 'cause Trevor's such a pig, so I'm eating less.

I'm not eating anything right now.

I haven't eaten since we broke up. I've never been happier.

Yeah, no, Trevor's the one who wanted to go to the Hamptons.

I didn't even want to go to the Hamptons.

I hate the Hamptons. The Hamptons are so over. Oh, my God, no, you are not the first person to tell me I have the lower torso shape of Ryan Phillippe. That's...

What... what are you doing?

Hmm? Oh, um...

I was just having a little wine, and I was rehearsing what I'm gonna say to my friends ah, to explain why Trevor and I broke up.

Okay.

Daniel: More like "Watch What Happens Lame." [laughs]

Yes, I did just think of that.

[laughs]

Andy Cohen? I'm sor...

Uh, look, uh, Th... do you need to talk?

Oh, Jim, you are so cute for thinking you can help me.

No, don't worry about me. I am fine.

Um, and I will be out of your barely remaining hair by the morning.

[sniffs]

A little privacy, please?

Thank you. Thank you!

Daniel: Can I tell you something? I was too happy, so honestly, being single now, it's a relief. I'm back on the market, baby. Daniel is back.

[laughs]

[man beatboxing]

[Daniel forced laughing]

[man beatboxing]

[Daniel sobbing]

[man beatboxing]

[knock at door]

Jim.

Jim.

What?

I'm gonna make some breakfast. Do you want something?

Uh, no, no, I just want to sleep.

Thanks.

Okay. Okay.

[sighs]

[knock at door]

Jim.

Jim.

Yeah?

Do you want an omelet?

Uh, no. No... no, thank you.

Okay.

[clears throat]

I made a pot of coffee. I'm just gonna put your cup over here.

All right.

Okay.

[shushing]

[knock at door]

Jim?

Jim. Jim.

Yeah.

Your omelet's ready.

But I didn't want an omelet.

Don't... don't want it to get cold!

I said I...

[sighs]

[groans]

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Where's all my delivery food?

Oh, I threw that away.

It was disgusting.

It's better the next day! Uh...

Here you go.

I know you don't read, but I got you the newspaper.

Uh...

Hm.

[whispering] There's tarragon in there. See if you can taste it.

[sighs]

Uh, can... can you please not stand over me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just... [groans]

Trying to get out of this funk.

Maybe I should go to the 9/11 Memorial.

I-is that a good idea for you?

I mean, unless you want to do something together.

♪ ♪

That is how I became fascinated with post-Edwardian cutlery.

Ah, aren't we gonna be late for the chamber music concert?

Tut-tut, Jim. We still have time to grab a kale salad and talk about that monster Andy Cohen.

Maybe you should go to the 9/11 Memorial.

Yeah. I mean, it's not open for a few hours anyway.

What time is it?

Little after 7:00.

7:00 a.m.?

You woke me up at 7:00 a.m.?

The one Saturday my kids are not jumping on top of me, and you wake me up?

This is supposed to be my weekend of silence! What are you even doing here?

You don't even like me!

Okay, okay, okay!

I'm sorry! You're right! I'm sorry! I'm a mess, okay?

It's why Trevor's cheating on me.

It's why I didn't get "Million Dollar Listing."

It's why Andy Cohen has a personal vendetta against me and won't stop until I'm dead!

I didn't say that!

That's what you meant!

Uh, eh, you're just...

Stupid.

You're stupid.

Stupid idiot.

Dumb idiot.

You're an idiot.

[knock at door]

What?

Your wife would like to speak with you.

You yelled at Daniel?

He... he made me an omelet!

What?

He woke me up at 7:00 a.m.!

Jim, I've been up with these kids for two hours, getting ready for this wedding. Did I leave the bow ties there?

I don't know.

Anyway, Daniel's going through a personal crisis, and you're yelling at him after he made you an omelet?

He used the wrong cheese! You know I hate Swiss!

(Daniel) It was Gruyere!

That's the same thing!

Wait a second. What is Daniel wearing right now?

I don't know. Who cares?

Jeannie: Go check.

I'm not Che... Fine!

He's wearing a robe and sweatpants.

Sweatpants?

Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.

Daniel doesn't even own sweatpants.

Who doesn't own sweatpants?

Jim, I don't want you to leave Daniel alone today.

What does that mean?

He's going through a personal crisis, and he cannot be left alone.

I need you to... I need you to take him to lunch with you or something.

Well, I'm not even having lunch today, so...

Jim, you and I both know you're eating lunch today.

Fine. Is there anything else? You want me to pick up his laundry?

He's such a baby.

Woman on TV: Just when you thought you couldn't make cheesecake any better...

Daniel, are... are those my sweatpants?

Oh, please. They're Jeannie's. You have sweat socks larger than these.

Uh, I'm going to meet Dave for lunch... at Hooters. Do you want to come?

Is that a serious question?

Yeah.

You're asking me if I want to eat with Dave Marks... at Hooters.

Well, I tried.

Yeah, I'll go.

[man humming and beatboxing]

I just need to shower and change.

And you got to clean that up.

[man beatboxing]

God, it's like if a tanning salon served beer.

When I said Hooters, what did you think I meant, Le Cirque?

Look at you, man. Jeannie's gone, what, 12 hours, and you got yourself a boyfriend.

Oh, hilarious. Why are we here?

What's with, uh, Debbie Downer?

It's a long story.

Well, this is a delight. So what do you do?

You pick your favorite wing flavor, then you just stare at women who will never date you, Dave?

God, I can't look anywhere without feeling guilty.

Okay, listen, here's the thing that you Hooters snobs don't seem to understand, okay?

What Hooters is saying is, they're saying, "Come in, guys, all right? This is a safe space if you're a guy who actually likes to drink beer and watch sports and enjoys beautiful women and good food, you know, and we're not gonna judge you for it."

So what the hell you doing here, man?

Jim forced me to come.

I did not force you to come. I invited you... uh...

Thank you. Oh, uh, can I get a Brooklyn Lager?

And I'll have the Daytona style.

Um, I'll take, uh, a double order of nothing.

Thank you.

Plus, it's a well-established fact that attractive people makes the food taste better.

Well-established with who?

Well, it's documented in some science journals, I'm sure.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation instead of napping.

[sighs] Besides, Hooters reminds me of my dad.

Well, that explains a lot.

Wh-wh-why is he here again?

Daniel's going through a breakup.

It's not a breakup, Jim.

I found out my live-in boyfriend is cheating on me with Andy Cohen!

Why are you yelling?

What, sir? What? You're offended?

We're in the culinary capital of America.

You brought your family to Hooters. I'm offended.

Ah, wow, yeah, I really can't begin to imagine why anyone would break up with you.

Listen, ah, either he or we have to leave, 'cause he's embarrassing me at Hooters.

I-I just ordered. Can... let's ignore him.

What about... what about "The New Yorker"?

Is there... is there a party after that thing?

Yeah, there's something at the Algonquin Hotel.

Oh, really?

Wait a minute.

The reason you didn't go with Jeannie to the wedding is because you're part of The New Yorker Festival?

You? What's the theme...

Yeah. truck stop literature?

I'm being interviewed as part of the humor series.

Listen, I'm going with you, man.

You know, I love those smart girls, you know, the ones that went to the Little Ivies.

You know, they got the big, clunky glasses.

You just merely mention Elizabeth Warren to them, and they just melt.

[sniffing]

Uh... help.

That's never gonna happen.

Jim, obviously I should be the one to go with you.

Behold, I've transformed this white-trash guttersnipe into an intelligent, cultured gentleman.

[with Cockney accent] The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

[applause]

That's never gonna happen.

Jim, you need me.

You're gonna be surrounded by literary giants.

Please.

What books have you been reading, Jim?

We... uh... uh... Uh...

Don't you know how to read?

He doesn't belong here.

Let's crush him.

Please, no! I'm sorry! [screaming]

All: Crush him. Crush him.

[laughter]

I-I may not go to the reception.

Ah, sweet.

[man beatboxing]

[Smooth jazz playing]

That was the most boring thing I've ever been to, seriously.

All-all they did was talk about was you.

Gentlemen, have you checked in with hospitality?

Uh... duh, I'm Jim Gaffigan.

I was interviewed as part of the humor series. These are my guests.

Ah, wait a minute. Hooters Girl, right?

Wednesday nights?

Dave!

I'm working my way through grad school.

Hey, no, no, that's great. That's great.

Uh, so, ah, you dig Elizabeth Warren or what?

She's amazing.

Amazing, right? I mean, it's like Bernie's brain in Hillary's body.

[chuckles] Exactly.

[whispering] Okay, so... Ooh, that's Calvin Trillin.

He's a humorist like you but with a brain and funny.

Okay.

Hey, Jim. I liked your interview.

Oh, thanks. You're... you're a giant.

Uh, Mr. Gladwell, I'm Daniel Benjamin. Jim and I were actually just talking about how much we enjoy your entire body of work, from "The Tipping Point" to "What the Dog Saw." In fact, Jim was remarking how the implications of research in the social sciences are totally unexpected.

Yeah, I was saying that. Totally unexpected.

Thank you.

Jim, help us settle a bet.

What's the best book you've read in the past year?

Oh, well, that's an easy one. [chuckles] Right, Daniel?

Daniel? Uh...

Don't be shy.

A-a book. Uh, not a tweet? 'Cause there's... there's some pretty amazing Twitterers out there; wouldn't you agree?

The best book you've read in the last year.

Book. Um, well, you know, I kind of feel like there's been so many, I wouldn't want to choose.

Well, what's on your nightstand?

Well, you know, the weird thing is, I, uh... I have a small nightstand, and, uh, I keep my books in a separate area.

You know, like, there's two areas.

There's books I've read, which is, like... uh, it's, like, a large room.

And then there's books I'm about to read, which is smaller, 'cause I've read a lot of them.

But, uh, on my nightstand, there is, uh, one book...

Title kind of escapes me. But it's, uh... it's a great nighttime read.

It's, uh... it's really an allegory for, uh, gratitude.

It asks the question, shouldn't we be thankful for things like a comb or a brush or a bowl full of mush?

"Goodnight Moon"?

Never heard of that. Is that a new one?

I'm gonna check out the appetizers.

Guy's fatter than I thought he was.

A lot fatter.

He's a real porker.

Daniel.

What are you doing here?

Why didn't you come home last night?

I saw your emails to Andy Cohen.

You looked at my emails?

You left your phone out in the open, Trevor.

You and Andy planning all your little adventures together: the Met Opera, dinner at Anderson's, lunch at the Four Seasons...

I'm not cheating on you.

I just didn't invite you to those things.

Why?

Daniel, there are certain places I feel uncomfortable taking you.

Well, you were very comfortable moving into my apartment.

Well, you told me you were going to be on "Million Dollar Listings New York."

And of course, we all know how that turned out.

What does that have to do with anything?

And after that night you embarrassed me at the "Hamilton" after party...

Lin-Manuel Miranda said I was charming.

What did I do?

Nothing.

You just... haven't accomplished anything.

I am very successful.

I am well-known and respected in my field.

Apparently not respected enough to be on television.

Wait a minute. Are you being a snob to me? I'm the snob.

I'm the snob in this relationship!

Look, Daniel.

This isn't going to work out.

Oh!

It was fun while it lasted.

Besides, I have my eyes on that closeted butch guy.

Please stop talking to me.

Mm. Yup.

I overheard him saying he just did a very successful TV pilot with Will Ferrell.

God, you're pathetic.

You know what's pathetic, Daniel?

Coming to a "New Yorker" event [scoffs] with Jim Gaffigan.

I thought we agreed he was an unkempt Neanderthal.

That unkempt Neanderthal is my best friend!

Baby hamburgers. They're so cute! Ooh!

[scoffs]

He's my best friend's husband. But he was there for me when I fell apart after I read about your little fake affair with Andy Cohen.

Well, enjoy life on the C-list.

Let's get out of here.

Gladly.

You know him?

Apparently he knows me.

[man humming and beatboxing]

Thank you so much for looking after Daniel.

You know what? He's doing a lot better. But I-I asked him to stay over again.

Uh... uh... actually, I probably should check back in on him.

Well, I know it was a sacrifice.

Good night.

Good night.

[hip-hop music blaring]

♪ Fire up that loud ♪
♪ Another round of sh*ts ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn down for what ♪
♪ ♪

Will you turn that off?

♪ Turn down for what ♪ [music stops]

[chuckles silently]

Doesn't get any better than this, fellas.

Mmm.

♪ ♪