01x10 - Big Break

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
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01x10 - Big Break

Post by bunniefuu »

Dr. Sheila said this would be perfect for my ADD and self esteem.

"You are a strong beautiful man."

Thank you, block.

Careful. Careful.

"You are smarter than those around you."


[doorbell ringing]

Oooh, my mole burrito!

[blocks clattering]

Damn it!

Hi, I'd tip you, but you made me knock over my game of therapeutic Jenga.

Have a good one.

[door thuds]

Your childish action just proved I made the right choice.

This does not smell of Oaxaca.

What is this?

Oh! It's my vibrator.

Did you just Postmate a sex toy?

Yes, I Postmate everything in a three mile radius... ice cream, condoms, those Belgian tampons I like, oh, so much...

Stop. Stop.

Does this mean that time that I was sick and you said you drove to Reseda in the rain for chicken noodle soup...

Postmate, bye!


Wait, where's my burrito?

[door closes]

♪ La la la la la lay ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪

How are those improv classes going?

Pretty good. I'm working really hard.

But there's a lot of rules.

What do you mean rules?

I thought improv was just making stuff up.

Yeah, it is, but you have to do it in a very specific way, otherwise you piss off your teacher.

Sounds like you're learning a lot.

Learning's always a good thing.

Yeah, I guess.

But Devin did learn how to make the flame in the lighter sh**t up really high and that hasn't been good for anyone.

Mm! Oh, my God, this coffee!

What did you put in it? It's amazing!

I put it in a clean cup.

Nicole: Hm.

All right, guys, that's our time.

Great work tonight. Thank you.

You were so funny today.

Seriously, you're gonna be in movies one day.

Oh, thank you. [laughing]

Hey, Nicole?


Um, can I speak to you for a second?


Hi, just have a seat.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I really think I'm getting the hang of this.

You broke a lot of rules today.

Again? I'm really trying hard not to.

You remember when I asked you the question about the soup?


And you were supposed to say, "Yes, I have the soup."

But you said "The soup is gone. It's in my butt."


It was very funny.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

But when you did that, you shut me down.

You kept me from continuing.

You said that there was no soup... story over.

No, no, no, there was still soup. It was just like, you know, in my...

You know what? I don't think you're understanding.

The improv stage is a collaborative environment.

You don't upstage.

We're all supposed to be the same.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Okay, great.

Both: [laughing]

If you have any other questions, um, you can see how it's done at the Costello Show tonight.


Oh, the elite improv team that I'm on, uh, attendance is mandatory for level ones.

Mmmm... rats! [snaps fingers]

I didn't get a ticket.

Oh, there are tickets at the door.


[knock at door]


Why are you in jeans?

It's our three-month anniversary.

Was I supposed to wear a suit?

No, it's the sweatpant anniversary.

And what does the sweatpants symbolize?

It celebrates the stage in a relationship when you are finally comfortable enough to wear sweatpants with each other.

Should I go home and change?

No, I have an extra pair.

Of women's sweatpants?

They're gender-free sweats.

[sighing] Okay.

I mean, it's not like I'm gonna be wearing them for long.

Well, kind of.

We're ordering Chinese food and then watching "Titanic."

Happy anniversary!

Yeah, ha, ha, yeah.

"Titanic," yeah.

And it's the Director's Cut, so, it has the documentary about James Cameron actually going into the ocean in that little pod thing.

Wait, for real?

Oh, yeah, I've been wanting to learn more about that.


It sounds like it was an adventure.

Blix: Oh, golly, that's not a sausage.

Thank you very much. That's our show!

Honestly, Nicole, you're funnier than everybody up on that stage.

Not according to Blix.

Check it out, 3:00 o'clock.


Sorry. 7:00 o'clock?


Oh, Avi!

Hey, Avi. You look gorgeous.

I'm gross. Shut up.

How are you?


So, what are you doing here?

Oh, I come to all these shows to scout for talent.

So, why haven't you called me back?

Yeah, why haven't you returned her calls?

I'm sorry, who are you?

Hi, I'm Devin, her roommate and muse.

Love, love your look.

Oh, shut up, I'm gross.

Avi & Devin: [laughing]

I put a lot of time into you.

I'm not gonna make that mistake again.

Completely understand, but I've changed.

I'm now taking classes here.

Oh, that's great.

Are you gonna audition for Cristela?

I can't until I finish level one.

I'll tell you what.

When you do that, give me a call.

Nicole: Oh.



Raymond: [vomiting]

How are you doing in there?

Oh, Mapo Tofu, never again.

Do you want me to get you some water?



Hey, is stuff coming out the front door or the back door?

Front door.


I don't know why that's better for me, actually.

I guess it doesn't smell as bad, but...

Can you bring me water?

Yeah, oh, yeah, sorry.

Thank you. Oh, man...

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

Oh, sweetie.


[glugging water]


Thank you. [sighs]

I love you.






Why is this happening?

Oh, you'd better get outta here.

Back door's unlocked.

Yeah, yeah.

[retching] Oh, God! [coughing]


You're throwing acid in people's faces?

No, I'm stocking shelves. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. I... I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm really nervous.

I mean, what if I don't pass level one?

You'll be fine.

It's easy for you to say.

You're the funniest person in the class.

I am the best.

Both: [laughing]

Blix: And time.

Congratulations, everybody on completing level one.

Give yourselves a hand.

All: [applauding]

All right, now, I have posted all the people that are advancing to level two in the back.

It was a pleasure having you guys.

Go ahead and look. Feel it.

It's my favorite part. [laughs]

What the [bleep]?

I made it!

Nicole: What the [bleep]?

What is your deal, Blix?

How come I'm the only one in the class not advancing?

Oh, well, you just weren't ready.

Oh, and Kate was ready?

She's come a very long way.

Kate's not funny!

Listen, I understand why you're upset.

But it's really not so bad.

You can always take level one again.

I can't afford to take level one again.

Oh, sweetie... you can't afford not to.

Oh, don't rub me. What's wrong with you?

I gave it my everything, and I still got screwed.

Well, it sounds like she's threatened by you.

Your talent is very intimidating to the weak.

Those classes were supposed to be my ticket.

Maybe you try a different improv class.

Oh, and what if that teacher hates me?

Come on, Veronica, why don't you try and suggest something helpful.

God, no manager, no acting job.

I feel like I'm in the same place when I moved to LA.

The last two years have just been like a waste.

Well, what if we go to Avi and explain that you've got a jealous teacher who doesn't want you to shine.

No, no, no, I'm not gonna blame Blix.

That's just another excuse.

Yes, Devin, why don't you try suggesting things that are helpful.

I need to show Avi that I've changed.

Well, I don't know how you're gonna do that, if you're not on an improv team.

Well, maybe I'll just be like my own improv team.

Yeah, of course. Why didn't I think of that?


You should do a one-woman show.

A pinch of improv, a dash of stand-up, two cups of funny stories.

That's actually kind of brilliant.

Yes! Yes!


Yes, my own show!

How'd you find this place?

I rented it once for a poorly-attended orgy.


It was before you knew me.


Anyways, when we get there, can you just let me do the talking?

Okay. This isn't crazy, right?

No. What better way to prove to Avi you're serious than spending your entire life savings on a one-woman show?

You're betting on you.

Now it sounds kinda crazy.

[sighs] Trust me, by the end of the show, you're gonna have a manager, and if the little birds do enough talking, maybe that hype will get you a spot on "Game of Thrones."

As what?

I could see you in some sort of stable capacity.

[British accent] Ah! Someone better feed those 'orses.

Boom, right there, I'm instantly drawn into your character's storyline.

Are they gonna live? Are they gonna die? Oh, no, she's d*ad.

Slobodan, my Baltic brother. It's been so long.

Two nights, $1,000.

It was $500 last time.

I remember you.

You make theater smell like hot dog water.

Well, I had an orgy and I paid you for that orgy, so, you should be fine.


Look, we only have $500.

That's all she has left from her green card marriage.

You have fake wedding?

Yeah, I married a sweet man named Hassan at the Van Nuys courthouse.

Was your Justice of Peace a man name Glen?

Yeah, he was kind of a nerd.

He was a nerd, wasn't he?


He looked like Gilligan from the Island of Gilligan.

Oh, but he take nice picture. Watch.

You see?

Devin & Nicole: Oh...

My wife.

What a babe.

Okay, I give you two nights, mid-week, $500.


Yeah, we'll take it.

Wait, can we like take a look first?

So, after he said "I love you," he immediately threw up.

I don't know how to read that.

Yeah, same thing happened to me at a Beyoncé concert.

Long story short, he didn't love me.

But, if Raymond means it, he'll say it again.

Wrong! Skootch!

No, I specifically waited to talk about this until you were gone so I wouldn't have to hear what you think.

Look, you're gonna love me after I dish out this hot take, okay?

If somebody says "I love you," and they don't hear it back immediately, you don't double down and say it again.

That makes you look like a psychopath.

Okay, so what do I do?

You're just gonna have to say it back.

Oh, thanks for listening.

Hey, I've had three people in my life tell me that they love me.

That's more than you, right?


Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God!

And I wouldn't have bl*wn him, if I knew he was gonna give me a bad Uber rating.

I'm Nicole Byer, goodnight and thank you, Van Nuys!

Ladies and gentlemen, your votes are in, and the winner of American Living Room is...

Nicole Byer!

We have to let the world know about this?

Nicole: Yay! [laughing]

♪ I don't like it ♪
♪ No, I love it ♪
♪ All out ♪
♪ Turn the b*at up ♪
♪ Hey now, I'm glad to meet ya ♪
♪ Turn up girl ♪
♪ Blow the speaker, yeah up ♪
♪ Think about it now, blow the speaker ♪
♪ I'll speak louder ♪
♪ Let's get wild tonight ♪
♪ Billionaire bottles ♪
♪ We just down 'em like ain't no problem ♪
♪ All my roads are right ♪
♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ I don't like it ♪
♪ No, I love it ♪♪

This is gonna be an exquisite evening once these Petaluma pinecone air fresheners kick in.

And everyone in my class said they were coming, except for that Orthodox Jewish girl who's not allowed out after sundown.

That's perfect... I'm having Chaz divert an entire full tour bus of Germans...

Wait, Germans?

No, please, don't worry.

We've instructed them to laugh when the others do, or they'll be punished.

Did you invite Avi?

Absolutely not.

Tonight's your soft opening, so we can work out all the kinks, okay?

She's gonna come tomorrow.

I have a soft opening.

Don't do that, Nicole.

♪ It's my vag*na ♪
♪ It's my... ♪


Save it for the stage. Save it for the show.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

My mom just bought an Apple TV.

Four hours on the phone just so she could watch an episode of "Golden Girls."

I haven't met your mom, but I bet she's a Rose?

Actually, she's more of a Blanche.

Oh, wow, so just plowing through guys.

Because she's Southern.



Anyway, um...

There's something I wanted to tell you.

What can I get ya?

Vodka soda?

Hey, longshot, but you don't happen to have Polish River Stout, do you?

Don't tell anyone, but we got a case in last night.

For real?

Yeah, man.

I'll hook you up.

Dude. I love you.

Oh, re-ac, re-ac, re-ac, re-ac, re-ac.


They're gonna like you. They're gonna like you. They're gonna like you. They're gonna like you. They're gonna like you.



Hey, everyone, how you doin'?

Devin & Veronica: [applauding, hooting]

[swats head] Say "woo," you dummy.

I thought you said it was full.

I didn't wanna psych you out.


Do your thing, girl! Yeah! Woo!

I'm so sorry, Nicole.

What happened?

You said your entire class was supposed to come.

I don't get it. They said they'd come.

Yeah, well, at least Veronica brought all of her friends.

Shut up! Where are your friends?

My inner circle's actually in Belize on a spirit quest.

Your inner circle?

The close ones. The ones that know my heart.

Did I... did I miss the show?

Yeah, by an hour and a half, you dunce.

Devin, please. Where were you?

Blix had an emergency improv class.

What constitutes an improv emergency?

Well, she said it was mandatory.

If we didn't go, we couldn't pass level two.

Where is she?

Okay, Rodrick, I understand that you work at a pet store.

But who are you? Do you know?

Honestly, Blix, what is your problem?

Um, excuse me, this is level three.

You're not allowed to be here. Do not absorb any of this.

You scheduled a class during my show!

Oh, your show's tonight? Oh, how'd it go?

You know how it went.

Oh, probably as well as it's gonna go tomorrow night.

You blitch.

Do not act like you came up with that.

Blitch is a character I created six months ago.

Now if you don't have any more business here, you should leave.

We're all about to do some advanced cat play.

Mm-hm, okay...


Blix: [gasps]


Blix: [hissing]

Are you kidding? You're a grown-ass woman!

Blix: Meow!

That was even worse!

[meowing, hissing]

I just wanted to thank you for taking care of me the other night, and not breaking up with me.

I really thought that bl*wing up your bathroom, that would've been a deal-breaker.

It's nothing.

No, it's not.


Well, that smells clean as [bleep].

I got them dry cleaned.


Both: [laughing]




It's a gift card for a whole apartment cleaning from Maids of Van Nuys.


And, finally... There's more.

Since I tossed my cookies...


I love you... uh...

I love... your taste in cookies.

Oh. Ah.

[laughs] 'Cause these are very good cookies.

They're really good cookies.

Really good.


[knock at door]



Yeah, what's up?

Okay, I'm gonna try to get your money back from Slobodan.

I was just curious if you still had that butterfly Kn*fe.

You don't have to.

I wasn't gonna s*ab him.

I was just gonna wave it around in his face until he got scared.

No, no, no, I'm gonna do the show.


Yeah, I was never not gonna do the show.

I wanna be an actress and I'm not gonna let anything stop me.

You know Avi's coming tonight.

Yeah, so?

So, you'd better pack the house or you're gonna look like a g*dd*mn lunatic.

Leave me. I have work to do.



Oh, yeah!

Polish River has like been really consistent in the last like two or three years.




I love you... and not in the way you love this bartender for getting you that douchy beer.

I love you in the big way.


I love you, too.


I've been waiting for you to say that since I threw up.

I would have thrown up again, if I had to.

This whole thing has made me throw up several times.

So romantic.

Well, hello, boys.

♪ Daddy ♪

Why is there nothing but men in the audience?

Because I went on every dating site and messaged a bunch of guys that eggplant emoji and those three water drops and this address.

That is brilliant.

Yes. [laughs]

Aren't they gonna be pissed off when they find out that you're not gonna do any of them?

I mean, truly, if you think a woman sending you an emoji means she's gonna sleep with you, you deserve to be tricked.

♪ Keep your bets up high ♪
♪ Keep your bets up high ♪

Devin: [whispering] Hi. You look so skinny. Right there.

♪ Keep your bets up high ♪
♪ Mama said never sell your soul ♪
♪ But if you're gonna go big ♪
♪ You'd better make it blow ♪
♪ Keep your bets up high ♪

Hi! I am Nicole! Thank you!

I know why most of you are here, and that is a little trickery on my part.

I'm not sleeping with any of you.

But I'm gonna do a comedy show and I think...

Devin: Do something!

Nicole: Uh...

Devin: Do something!

If you stay 'til the end, I'll show you my boobs.

Yes, they're big. Yes, they're brown.

Yes, you'll like them. Okay.

I was very drunk at the drive-in at Burger King and I said, "I don't want anything here."

As I was bl*wing him, my wig fell off and he was like, "What's wrong with you?"

And I ate them. I went. Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!

So, that's when I painted an Asian kid's face black, and passed him off as my half-Taiwanese son.

Thank you, guys. I'm Nicole. Have a good night!

Oh, before I forget...

All: [applauding]

Nicole: Ooh, yes.

Avi: Oh, I am not surprised.

I knew she had nice boobs. Woo!

Nicole Byer, Avi Stockwell Management.

You usually just write it down. You don't have to say it out loud.

Thanks. I know.

I'm just very happy to have a manager.


Hi, Blix Anderson.



Man: Take a seat.








Man: Nicole?

That's me.

Have fun.

I will.

[muffled laughter]

[muffled laughter]

Hey, I'm really sorry.

We're not seeing any more people today.

Blix: What?


Booyah! [laughs]

To Nicole.

It's been quite a year.

You know, I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Well, except for Raymond.

He really didn't help you out that much.

Wow, you were right about him.

Oh, what did she say?

That you insult people to cover your insecurities.

That's, uh, that's what Dr. Sheila says about me.

Veronica: Look how sad he is.

I love you.

I love you.

Okay, this toast is about me, all right?

So, seriously, I just wanna thank you all for your support and...

No, Nicole, don't do this. You've come so far.

I know.

Just gonna ask him to leave, okay?

Hey, I'm pround of you.


She's really grown.


Okay. Now it's a crime.
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