01x10 - 420

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mary + Jane". Aired: September 2016 to November 2016.
"Mary + Jane" follows two drug dealers legal prescription delivery service owners as they attempt to build their business, find love and navigate the celebrity-filled world of Los Angeles.
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01x10 - 420

Post by bunniefuu »

radio disc jockey: Wake 'n bake, kids, it's 7 AM and your favorite holiday is just one week away.

Have you bought your gifts?

Put up your ganja tree?

It's 420, doobs and doobettes.

Mmm-mmm, I can almost smell those brownies baking.


Somebody's got a lot of holiday spirit.

It's your first 420 since we started Mary + Jane.

I want it to be special because this is the most wonderful time of the year.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving a doob out for Saint Fiacre. Fiacre.

It's Ganja Claus.

If you're good, he comes on 420 morning and brings you presents.

You don't really believe that.

I mean, he's not gonna come if you don't have any 420 holiday spirit.

Dude, I was looking at our orders for this week.

We are stacked.

I know.

'Cause 420's like the Super Bowl of weed, except that people order a lot of weed for the actual Super Bowl, so technically, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of weed.

(doorbell rings)

♪ So what we get drunk ♪
♪ So what we smoke weed ♪
♪ We're just having fun ♪
♪ We don't care who sees ♪
♪ So what we go out ♪
♪ That's how it's s'posed to be ♪
♪ When we're young and wild and free (and free) ♪♪

Oh, guys!


Hey, Anne!

Hey, guys, did you hear?

Our place got robbed last night.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, assh*le took everything.

Yeah, robberies always go up during the 420 holiday.

Just a lot of cash and weed lying around.

He stole a Zippo High Sparrow that cost me 400 bucks.

We got a picture from the helmet cam on our neighbor's Vespa.

No ID, but the dirt pants wears a poncho.

He hit four places on our block this week.

I'd be really careful.

You might be next.

Thanks for the warning.


Oh, don't worry about it, we have a dog.

Bob Marley: ♪ I see trees of green ♪
♪ Red roses too ♪
♪ I see them bloom... ♪

Look at this.

Look at how commercial this has gotten, okay?

This is not what 420 is about!

They've been playing 420 music since February.

It gets earlier every year.

I kinda wanna see that.

Ugh! No.

(buzzing) What the...?

DopeCo's delivering with drones now?

Man, corporate weed has money for everything.

I wish I had the money for a drone.

Excuse me?

Would you like to buy some limited edition 420 cookies?

They're gluten-free.

And Paleo.

You (bleep) kidding me?

Snoop Dogg: ♪ Say, baby, what's your name?

♪ Are you the one Mary? Are you Jane? ♪

Oh, my angels!

Get the (bleep) in here!

Hi, Doris!

You girls are saving my life, I swear.

My arthritis was keeping me from doing all the things I love.

Painting, cooking, masturbating.

But you two changed all of that.

Hey, maybe you'll feel good enough to leave the apartment soon.

Well, let's don't get crazy.

Anything I need I can have delivered.


I got you two a holiday present.

How long has it been since she's been outside?

She just asked me to return videos to Blockbuster.


Happy 420, girls!

Aw, Doris!

You knew me so well!

Oh, me too!

Well, you know, when you don't leave the house, the people who come to visit are your only family.

You girls are like the daughters I never had.

I thought you had a daughter.

I said the people who come to visit.

That bitch!

She has money for vagioplasty but she won't fly out to see me.



She went big.

I mean, that is a choice.

Hey look!

I got a free copy of the new Adam Sandler 420 song, with all the Jewish celebrities who like to get high.

(music pumping from car)

Ooooh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Bentley: Afternoon, ladies.

Notice anything, I dunno, independently wealthy about me?

(scoffing) Nice assh*le-mobile.

Oh, Jordan, are you jealous?

I'm sorry, you had your chance, you blew it.

Now that I'm a member of the 1%, I've decided to upgrade...

No? Okay, sorry.

What are you talking about?

I sold to DopeCo.

Yeah, made mountains of dollars and I'm not talkin' singles either.

Then I took all that green and sunk it into the greatest investment of all time: a restaurant boat.

That's right, a restaurant on a boat.

Two moneymakers in one!

Soft opening's in a month, wanted to let you both know you're not invited.

You sold Doob Dude?

Yeah, gave 'em my client list, gave 'em my branding rights, gave 'em all of my delivery services, okay?

The whole burrito, fart-pushers.

DopeCo is buying everyone out.

And you guys should definitely get on board, so Happy 420, chicas.

Oh, Jordan? Real talk?

If you wanna have a threesome with Katya and I, I just wanted to let you know she only has three-ways with other dudes!

Joke's on you!


C'mon, girl. C'mon!

I am not calling DopeCo.

(phone ringing)


Beautiful, isn't it?

It's our newest model.

Top speed of 75 miles per hour. (chuckling)

The future is here, ladies.

And the future is green.

I'm Edward Gregory and I'm the president of DopeCo.

Can I offer you a coconut water?

both: Yes, please.

You guys have made a very smart decision coming here to DopeCo.

Well, we haven't made any decisions yet.

'Course you haven't.

Couple of smart girls like you getting in on the ground floor of an emerging industry.

You know, I was just like you guys once.


I saw a void in the marketplace, and so I built something.

Diapers Now.

If somebody needs a diaper, you better believe they need it now.

So I developed an app that allows my drivers and my drones to get anywhere in Los Angeles in under 20 minutes.

And then I applied that same algorithm to Pets on Pets and Wowza cleaning products, and now, cannabis.

If somebody wants to get their weed on, they open our app, they select Mary + Jane and 20 minutes later, they have us.

So, we won't deliver our own product?

No, you're not gonna deliver at all.

The product is still gonna carry the Mary + Jane name, but it'll be under a division of DopeCo label.

We're really just buying your client list, (pen clicking) and here, is what we're prepared to offer for that privilege.



Legal marijuana is the fastest growing industry in the world right now, and you girls got in at just the right time.

Good for you.

But now it's time to step aside and let the real businessmen take over.

(pen clicking)

Oh, what's this? A counteroffer?



I will entertain it.

Do you touch your mother with that hand?

Let's go.

We're leaving.

Well, you will be back, okay?

Because everybody sells to DopeCo eventually, but please, do not wait too long because the world is not very safe out there for two girls trying to sell drugs.

Especially not this time of year.

(crickets chirping)

(banging outside)


Oh, what's going on?

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I heard all these noises in the middle of the night and the dog slept through the entire thing, and... you know what?

I can't.

I can't do it anymore, Jordan.

I want to sell to DopeCo.


All DopeCo wants to do is suck up Mary + Jane and fold us into some generic corporate crapfest, (bleep) slap our name on some diapers... no way.

I'm not giving up everything I built.

Our customers wanna see us, not some idiot in a green polo shirt.

(laughing ruefully)

Jordan, I hate to break it to you, but everybody just wants their weed.

They don't care how they get it.

Wait... so because you're afraid of some guy in a poncho, we have to give up our entire business?

I can't believe we aren't on the same page about this!

No, you can't believe that I'm not on your page about this!

You know what?

This always happens.

You make some decision and I just have to agree with it.

We shouldn't even call it being on the same page.

We should call it being on the same Jordan!

That's stupid.

Actually, I like it.

See? I agree with you.


Oh, Jordan.

I didn't expect you today.

I know.

I just haven't heard from you in a couple of days, so I wanted to check in.

I'm always looking out for family.

Well, aren't you just the sweetest.

I'm fine, though. Thanks.

I have your usual.

Yeah, well, maybe next time.

Are you okay, Doris?


You ordered from DopeCo?!


I get the same product, and in under 20 minutes for half the price.

You just want your weed.

You don't care how you get it.

Oh, now don't get all sulky.

You sound like my daughter.

I mean, nobody made her push three children through her cooch.

(exhales sharply)

Oh my God, so tired.

One more delivery and then coffee.

Oh my God.

Is that him?

The poncho burglar.

(car honking)

Oh my God, shut up!

I'm fighting crime!

Got you now, you poncho-wearing mother(bleep)!


(metal crunching)

(siren whoops)

(gasps) Oh, no no no no no no no no.

License and registration.

I'm so, so sorry.

Believe it or not, I have a perfect driving record, and I know that I was using my phone, but I was just trying to stop the poncho burglar.

He's been breaking into all of the apartments in this neighborhood.

And I guess my reflexes weren't 100% because I stayed up all night because I thought he was trying to break into our apartment, and between that and all the 420 madness, my brain's just been going in a million different directions, but it's all for the common good.

Did you say 420?


What's in the bag, miss?

It's not my weed.

So you're a dealer.

It's all my weed?

Step out of the car. Now.


I want those shoes.

Aren't they great?

You know, they're made in Nigeria and for every pair sold, they relocate a rhino.

I can give you the website.

I want those shoes. Now.


Um, you know what?

I will give these to you and I will buy a second pair and help two rhinos.

I want your dress.

Leave her alone, Pam.

Sorry, kid.

First time in jail?

What gave me away?

Hang in there.

It's taking a long time processing everybody today.

They brought in a busload of us for celebrating 420.


I'm a...

I'm in for 420 too.

(whispering) Oh, happy holiday!

Keep fighting the good fight.

It's great to have a young woman at the forefront of the movement.

Actually, I'm thinking about giving it all up.

No. Why?

Oh, it's just getting harder and harder out there, and my partner... actually, she's my best friend... suddenly, we just want different things.

I can't tell ya how much that resonates with me.

My husband Frank and I used to have a little market in Pasadena.

Then about ten years ago, a big supermarket chain wanted to build there.

Well, all the other stores on the block were selling.

Frank didn't want to.

But they were offering so much money.

Oh, the fights we had.


Then finally, he agreed.

But, without our store, Frank had no purpose.

He'd just wander around the house from room to room with this empty look.

He died about a year later.

It broke his heart.


So tell me, what kind of cake did you bake for the Führer's birthday this year?


You know... 420!

h*tler's birthday.

Uh ha ha.

Um... actually, I think that maybe we're celebrating different 420s.

What do you mean?

A carrot cake.

You know, I make a cream cheese frosting that'll knock your jackboots off.

Let's exchange emails.

You can celebrate with us next year!

woman: You made bail, little girl.


Auf wiedersehen!

Happy 420!

I'm so sorry, Jordan.

They confiscated everything.

Our weed, our cash...

No, I'm sorry.

This was my idea.

You wanted to be an event planner.

I got you into this.

Now you have a criminal record.

Look, I'd rather lose my business than my best friend.

So, you were right.

We're going to sell to DopeCo.


We built Mary + Jane together.

And I don't wanna know what our lives would be like without it.

I don't want us to lose our purpose.

I also don't want to become white supremacist hatemongers, although I'm not exactly sure if that happened before or after she sold the grocery store.

What was that?

All I am saying is that we have the rest of our lives to sell out.

But right now, we are young, badass independent women and we should stay that way for as long as we can.

But first, I am going to go and wash off my feet and my other parts.

We have had a lot of time to consider your offer and our final answer is...


We were going to say it together.


Sorry. I just got excited.

Let's do it again. One, two...

Please! I got it. I heard the no.

I'm disappointed, but if that's your decision, I have to respect it, but why'd you feel the need to come all the way down here and reject me in person?

I'll tell you why, buddy. Free coconut water.

Also, last time, I didn't take any clicky pens.

Also, I wanna see the look on your face when two independent badass women stand up to the Man.

Coconut water mic drop, out!

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm glad you came down here.

Because, you know, we just closed a deal to acquire Humboldt Meadows.

They're your suppliers, aren't they?

So now, not only will you not get the DopeCo buyout money, but you won't have any weed to sell either.

(satisfied sigh)

You're right.

That was a lot more satisfying in person.

It's over.

In one day, DopeCo k*lled 420 and our entire business.

So what do you wanna do?

There's only one thing we can do now.

One last post.

(sighs) Dear Loyal Customers, On what should be the happiest day of the year, Mary + Jane has some sad news to announce.

We've lost our supplier and have no weed to sell you on this joyous holiday... or ever...

So it is with a heavy heart that we say we... are officially closed for business.

Happy 420, guys.

Love and buds always.

Mary + Jane.

Sad face.

Jordan! The door!

It's the poncho burglar!

Not today.



Guys, what are you all doing here?

Well, we all saw your Instagram post and we couldn't stand the thought of a 420 without Mary + Jane.

So we all decided to bring you our weed.

So you'd have something to deliver to the rest of your customers.

You've helped so many people over the past year, we're not gonna just let you up and quit.

Without you guys, I would be bedridden with back pain.

But Jordan, you found me the perfect strain to keep me high-fiving those kids across the street.

Yeah, and I have terrible period cramps but Paige brought me some awesome Sticky Gervais that was just amaze-balls.

And I'm sorry I even thought about switching dealers.

You girls are my family.

Doris, you left the apartment.

First time out in 15 years.

Of course you realize this means I have to live here now.

Oh, actually, yeah, I might have to live here too 'cause that restaurant boat?

Did not blow doors down.

Basically, we're all here to say (bleep) DopeCo.

And long live Mary + Jane.

Yeah! (clapping)

It's a 420 miracle!



I think my first 420 was the best 420.

They're only gonna get better.

♪ Get up off that beanbag chair ♪
♪ There's something magic in the air ♪
♪ We've waited patiently all freakin' year ♪
♪ Now 420 Day is finally... ♪
♪ Life's a big ball of amazing ♪
♪ When the sun ain't all that's blazing ♪
♪ And we've got Permagrin from ear to ear ♪
♪ Now 420 Day is finally... ♪
♪ My pee may be unclean ♪
♪ But my mind is worry-free ♪
♪ It's easy bein' green ♪
♪ When your BFF is THC ♪

Ho ho ho!

(gasps) Ganja Claus?!

You came!

Of course I came.

You know I couldn't let a 420 go by without stopping to see my favorite girls, Mary + Jane.

Um, actually I'm Paige and this is Jordan.

This is for you, Mary.

And Jane, this is for you.

I heard you lost a pair on the inside.


Y'all keep up the good work, and remember.

The real true meaning of 420...

Aw (bleep), I can't remember.

Finish your song though.

I'm gone.

♪ Making your brain cells disappear ♪
♪ Like we will take the blame ♪
♪ Mary + Jane play Arranging the Membrane ♪
♪ I'm the Cheech to your Chong ♪
♪ You're the wind beneath my bong ♪
♪ Never mess with a blizzard ♪
♪ When our pure brand is this strong ♪
♪ Life's a big ball of amazing ♪
♪ 'Cause the sun ain't all that's blazing ♪
♪ Now let's get this (bleep) through the stratosphere ♪
♪ (through the stratosphere) ♪
♪ 'Cause 420 Day ♪
♪ (420) ♪
♪ 420 Day ♪
♪ 420 Day ♪
♪ Is finally ♪
♪ Here ♪♪

The global conglomerate DopeCo has come into federal investigation today after its delivery service experienced an unfortunate glimpse in their operations.

According to reports, subscribers to Diapers Now were delivered an unwelcome surprise, packages of marihuana, while customers expecting marihuana received... you guessed it, diapers.

Since the sell of marihuana is still federally illegal, all of DopeCo's operations have been indefinitely suspended until the Federal Trade Commission completes their investigation.

♪♪ better every year.


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