04x08 - Landmarks

[bunniefuu]

The Brooklyn Bridge was complete, and Emily Roebling was like, I built the [bleep] out this bridge.

I'm so drunk.

Victor goes at the Eiffel Tower, and he's like, we're tearing this bitch down.

(Laughs)

Shakespeare is like, this building belongs to us, and we're going to take it.

What are we talking about?

(Patriotic music)

♪ ♪

We are going to get tipsy.

Tipsy?

No, we gonna get drunk.

Okay, good.

You know I like to make mixed drinks for you.

Yeah, what are we gonna have?

We're gonna do Brooklyns.

We got rye whiskey, dry vermouth, cherry liqueur.

How do you measure that?

No, don't worry about that.

(Ice clinking)

Cheers to the Brooklyn...

To the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ooh.

How's that taste?

(Laughs)

Hello, I'm Daryl Johnson, and today, we're gonna talk about the Brooklyn Bridge.

It's Brooklyn, 1865, and it's becoming this really emerging town.

The ferries are going back and forth to Manhattan, and they couldn't handle the load, uh, so a committee was formed in New York called The New York Bridge Committee, and they're just like, this [bleep] is not working.

These ferries are [bleep] up, and they decided that they needed to have a bridge built.

This is going to be the largest bridge ever built.

In the world?

In the world.

And so the New York Committee hired John Roebling to design and build the Brooklyn Bridge.

Now, he wanted to build a suspension bridge.

There were a lot of naysayers saying that suspension bridges, oh they fall, they can't hold, there can never be one that big.

So most suspension bridges at the time were made with hemp ropes, but he developed wire ropes.

And so, John Roebling is the man.

Everybody is very excited to see what this is gonna become.

You look like two of you right now.

(Laughter)

Let me get this cherry out of here.

You ate the stem?

There's no stems.

Was there a stem?

(Laughs)

So, Washington Roebling, who was the son of John Roebling, was this huge Civil w*r hero. And while he was finishing up his duties in the w*r, he met Emily Warren.

And when Washington saw Emily for the first time, he was like, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.

And she was like...

(Giggles)

Thank you, that's so cute, oh, my God.

And they got married, and Washington calls his dad and was like, hey, I met this beautiful woman, I got married.

And he was like, great, son. I need you to come to Brooklyn and help me build this bridge.

And so they fly to Brooklyn, and they... wait, no, they didn't fly. I take that back.

(Laughs) There was no planes in 1865.

Okay, so, they moved to Brooklyn, and two years into the process, John Roebling got lockjaw from tetanus. So he says to his son...

(Muffled voice): Son, I can't open my mouth, but what I need you to do is take over this bridge for me because I'm 'bout to die, and this is my legacy, and I'm passing it to you, so don't [bleep] this up.

And so...

Washington's freaking out, and it was Emily who stepped in, and she said, baby, I love you.

You can do this. You're the man.

And Washington Roebling was like, yeah, you got my back.

We can do this.

So he developed these pneumatic caissons, which were these huge, wooden boxes.

And they blew in compressed air, and then they had to put people down there to dig out the river bed.

So one day, a fire breaks out, so Washington goes down and tries to put the fire out, and he's not really paying attention, but he comes up too fast and contracts the bends, 'cause it was all pressurized.

So if you come up too fast, you begin to develop air bubbles in your blood stream and basically can create paralysis.

I mean, this is, like, a family struck with all kinds of [bleep].

(Laughs)

Yeah.

What's happening right now? I'm so drunk.

Cheers.

Um, so now that he's basically bedridden, Washington's like, so much pain and agony from this stupid disease, and I don't even know how I'm gonna finish the bridge.

And Emily steps up, and she's like, I will complete this bridge for you because you're my everything, and I will do whatever it takes to make your legacy continue.

So she took it upon herself to learn engineering and took all his instructions to the team every day and became like the chief engineer.

And you know women didn't have privilege back then, so people were like, aw, you're a woman.

Shut the [bleep] up and go feed your baby with your titties.

Can I say that? Can I say "titties"?

Yeah, titties is my favorite word.

Okay, titties.

(Laughs): I love titties.

So Emily Roebling slapped the [bleep] out that man, and she's like, oh, no. I'm gonna teach you everything you need to know about building this bridge properly, and that's what we gonna do.

And ain't gonna be no more talk... no more backtalk, 'Kay?

So over the next nine years, Emily is running the [bleep] out of this bridge, and in 1883 the bridge is complete.

And Washington was like, Emily, I need you to be the first person to cross the bridge.

Would you do this for me?

And she was like, hell yeah.

And so she hops in a carriage with a little white rooster on her shoulder as a symbol of victory.

And she was like, yeah, I [bleep] built this [bleep].

Do you see me? I'm up on this mother[bleep], and I am turnin' it out.

I'm Emily mother[bleep] Roman... Roebling, and I got this white cock on my shoulder, and I built the [bleep] out this bridge.

And she rides across that Brooklyn Bridge in a carriage with a white rooster on her shoulder, and history is set.

Wow.

Crazy, right?

I dunno what happened, but I got way drunker than last time.

(Yelling): Derek, Derek!

Derek!

Oh, hey, Derek!

Hi, Daryl.

How you doin'?

I'm good, you?

I dunno. I'm drunk as [bleep].

I got you.

Thank you, Derek.

Use my shoulder.

(Grunts)

Okay.

All right.

(Snores)

No sleep till...

No, Brooklyn!

Dun, dun, dun dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

I feel a little drunker this time, so...

I know you are.

(Gasps): Are y'all still filming?

Yeah, this is a reality show.

Oh, okay.

So I mean, I was, like, to Courtney, like, no, you did not, but you were there for it, Derek.

Oh, yeah, I was at the bar that night.

That bitch had it comin'.

That's the only reality line I know, that bitch had it comin'.

(Both laughing)

Hello, my name is Jenny Johnson, and we are gonna learn about con man Victor Lustig.

So [bleep] buckle up.

(Laughs)

Uh, our story's gonna begin in 1925.

Everyone in Paris [bleep] hates the Eiffel Tower because it was constructed for the World's Fair, and it was never meant to be permanent.

And now it costs too much for repairs.

And so one day, this dude named Victor Lustig opens this French paper up and starts reading about this, and he says, I know what I'm doing, and what I'm gonna be doing is rippin' people off, but ripping dumb assholes off.

And so he looked up five of the most, like, well-known scrap metal dealers and let them know that he had a very, a very lucrative enterprise.

And he's like, hey, you know what... I'm gonna rock the [bleep] out of this.

And Victor got a limo, he would take these scrap metal people to the Eiffel Tower, and he's like, we're tearin' this bitch down.

And I've got the inside [bleep], okay?

So he finds his mark.

He finds the guy who was a little, like, new and green, and the guy's name was Andre Poisson, and that's how you pronounce it... it sounds like "p*ssy."

It's not p*ssy, but, yes, you're right, it does sound like that.

So Victor was like, yep, Andre, you're my dog, you're my dude.

The Eiffel Tower? Break that bitch down.

And Andre's like, of course I'm gonna buy the Eiffel Tower from this guy.

So $70,000 Victor Lustig takes from this dude, and bounces the [bleep] out of France.

And he keeps lookin' at the papers.

When is this gonna, you know, show up?

It never shows up because Andre Poisson didn't even go to the police because he was too embarrassed, and he lost 70 grand.

So Vic goes back to Paris.

He says, eh, I'll do this [bleep] again.

Why the [bleep] not?

Except this time, he gets the b*mb-ass suite in, like, the most baller hotel.

It was like The Cubdoop De Crill Leptoo... Four Seasons.

So Victor brings all these folks in to his b*mb-ass hotel suite and feels like, hey, man, that... that's my mark. That's the guy.

He's eager, he's interested. So Victor says, okay, I am a French official times ten, my [bleep] is official as [bleep], but this guy through the whole thing was going, this sounds like the most crooked [bleep]

I've ever heard.

So he ends up going to the police, saying, I think this guy's trying to scam me, and y'all should bust the [bleep] out of him.

Victor gets wind of it and says bouncin' out again.

And he goes to Chicago with another awesome scam like you would not believe.

Victor goes to Al Capone and says, I'm Victor Lustig, but you can call me The Count, which is a baller nickname.

Not... no, you just said the c-word.

No, I... no I said The Cou...

You said The [bleep], you said...

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did, a little bit.

I quietly said The Count.

Could everyone in this room agree that he kinda said The [bleep]?

They agreed.

Okay...

Okay.

So what did The [bleep] say?

(Laughs)

So here's the deal, Al, I got this guy who's gonna triple your money. I just need 50 grand from you, in cash.

Now I'm sorry... this is in the 1920s... do you scam Al Capone?

'Cause I'm pretty sure he'll cut your d*ck off.

Yeah.

He's like, hey, I have your d*ck, and, like, juggle dicks with like... juggle dead, he like... he'll juggle dicks in front of you.

Yeah, best d*ck-juggler ever.

Everyone knows that.

So Al Capone gives Victor $50,000 and says, yeah, triple that [bleep].

And Victor goes, pff, awesome.

But he takes it and puts it in a safe and just leaves it there, and then after two months he goes back to Al Capone and says, hey, A.C., I lost all your money, but I'm not a d*ck like that, so here's $50,000 out of my own pocket.

And Al Capone goes, hey, man, thanks for being honest.

He gives him $5,000 just for a...

Thanks.

Victor was asked, why in the [bleep] would you, like, it's Al Capone. He juggles dicks.

And he said, I just wanna gain his trust.

I'm a con man. If I [bleep] up, that dude... now he trusts me.

And he goes around place to place with all of the dozens and dozens of scams that he comes up with.

But they end up finding this ass and sent him to Alcatraz.

But this dude was known as The Count, and he came up with this ten commandments of how to con people, being be a patient listener. Never look bored.

Wait for the other person's political opinion, and always agree.

You always let the other person bring up religion, and then you always agree.

Hint at sex talk, but always let them bring it up.

Never discuss illness.

Never pry into their personal circumstances.

Never boast, never be untidy, and never get drunk.

Oh, and Al Capone went to jail, too.

Well, yeah, he's a d*ck-juggler.

(Laughs)

So hello, my friend.

Hello.

Uh, because we're telling a story that takes place in the era of Shakespeare, in Elizabethan England, for us, I have...

Oh, my dear lord.

You wanna go old school on this one?

What is this?

This is ale, my friend.

This is real, dark, delicious ale.

Take a swig.

Mm.

Atta boy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it just went down my shirt.

Oh, Mark...

I'm good.

Hello, my name's Mark Gagliardi, and today we're gonna talk about William Shakespeare and the Great Theater Heist of 1598.

(Laughs) Oh, [bleep].

All right, let me set the stage for you.

It's the late 16th century, in a neighborhood just north of London called Shoreditch where the most brilliant minds of the time have started gathering at the taverns.

You've got Sir Walter Raleigh, and Christopher Marlowe, who's like the biggest playwright in the world.

And it was there that a guy named James Burbage makes this land deal with Giles Allen and decides to build his own theater.

It is called The Theatre, with an "re" not an "er."

You do it with an "re" 'cause it's classier.

Yeah.

So William Shakespeare shows up.

I'm William Shakespeare.

I'm the new guy, um...

So, in re... in, uh, so then he spends he late 1580s, uh, writing...

(Laughs)

And starring in some of his early works, but in 1594, the theater scene was viciously crippled by a bubonic plague outbreak.

So James Burbage, founder of The Theatre has decided, here's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get together a troupe of actors made of all of the actors whose troupes had disbanded during the bubonic plague and create a super group of Elizabethan actors called The Lord Chamberlain's Men.

(Sighs)

Would you like water?

I'll take that as a no.

So Shakespeare's found his home and his home is The Theatre. And at this time, Shakespeare is prolific.

He's writing some of his best plays.

He's churning out... he's like, oh, hey, here, try this one out.

This one's called "Hamlet."

Here, try this one out. I call this one "Othello."

You're probably gonna need some shoe polish to play Othello, but nobody's socially conscious enough that blackface isn't a bad thing at this point. So Shakespeare has these guys doing these amazing plays until 1597.

Giles Allen says, oh, you wanna renew the lease?

Hang on a second. I've decided these plays are bull[bleep]. I hate The Theatre.

And James Burbage is like, wait, what?

So Giles Allen... Guyles Allen? Giles Allen? Giles Allen says, I'm a Puritan, so I think that plays are dumb even though you're doing Shakespeare, and your plays are gonna be read by [bleep] school kids in 2015, because they're that G.D. important, theater is like, you know, of the devil, so sorry.

And James Burbage was so distraught by this that he d*ed of a broken heart.

And Giles Allen said, James Burbage is dead, this is my land, I'm gonna do what I want with it.

But one of The Lord Chamberlain's Men went, hey, fellas, hang on a second.

I've been looking at the lease, the, like, actual piece of paper that our lease is written on, and that lease says Giles Allen owns the land, but... technically speaking... we own the building.

What are we going to do about this?

So then...

(Groans)

Hold on. (Exclaims)

So then...

(Groans)

(Patriotic music)

(Groans) I was trying to be good this episode and not wind up on the floor.

Here you go.

Mm-hmm, thank you.

So on the night of December 28, 1598, it happened that Puritan landowner Giles Allen was out of town for the Christmas holiday.

The Lord Chamberlain's Men decided to take matters into their own hands.

William Shakespeare and the members of The Lord Chamberlain's Men are like, you know what?

This building belongs to us, and we're going to take it.

They went into the costume storage rooms, they put on their most terrifying m*llitary battle gear, and they proceeded to take down the entire building, including the 30-foot beams that held the building aloft.

Brick by brick, every last piece.

I got you.

What are we talking about?

Um, Alexander Hamilton.

How dare you.

So, uh, when Giles Allen came back, he realized that, oh, my God, the land that I own, uh, this land used to have a theater on it, and no longer does.

What the eff happened?

I'm gonna try to bring you back up.

So Shakespeare and The Lord Admir...

Lord Chamberlain's Men, they took down a whole building, and they took all of those pieces across the Thames, and board by board they rebuilt this theater, rechristened it The Globe, and this is where Shakespeare premiered his greatest works.

And hey, did you learn "Hamlet" in high school?

It's 'cause Shakespeare and his buddies stole a theater.

Mark, you're the [bleep] best.

I wish you had a drink. I'd cheers you.

I got one right here.

What was that?

No, where'd it go?

I dunno.

I had one.

You did?

Where'd you put it?

I don't [bleep] know, but I'm gonna do this with ya.

Here's your drink.

Was this mine?

Yeah.

I love you.

(Laughs)

You're the [bleep] king.

(Patriotic music)

♪ ♪