02x10 - Thy Neighbor's Wife

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Impastor". Aired July 2015 - December 2016.
"Impastor" follows a gambling addict slacker who, in order to go on the run from a loan shark, steals a man's identity and ends up posing as a small town's new gay pastor.
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02x10 - Thy Neighbor's Wife

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "Impastor."

If something were going on with Buddy I would know about it.

He can't hide anything from me.

This is all one big con, isn't it?

No! I'm madly in love with him because he's so incredibly charming.

I don't know how it's gonna work, but I know I need you in my life.

[door opens]

Who are you?

I'm her husband.

[tense music]

Her husband? Like...


No. We're still married.

Lexi... it's great seeing you.

[mouthing] What the hell's going on here?

Uh, Curt, this is Pastor Barlow.

Pastor, could you give us some privacy, please?

Yeah. You okay?

Oh, fine.

Yeah. I-I'll fill you in later.


For the happy couple.

[door bell jingles]

How did you find me?

I had a P.I. track you down after you went to Chicago for the safe deposit box.

That you emptied.

If you needed money, you could have come to me.

Come to you? Curt, I ran from you.

I know. I don't blame you.

The drinking, the way I mistreated you...

I'm ashamed of the man I was.


I'm nothing like the guy that drove you away.

If you just give me a chance...

I'll prove it.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Schmidt: Where is she?

I have a big announcement to make.

Buddy: I was still reeling from Alexa's marriage b*mb, and just 'cause I was out $8.99 for a bottle of champagne.

Sorry, guys.

Well, now that we are all gathered, I have some big news.

Actually, so do I.

Well... mine is un-toppable, so go ahead, Sammy Davis Jr.

Warm it up for Frank!

Okay. Here goes.

Five years ago, I was married to a man named Curt.

I still am. He's in town, and... we're getting back together.

A-are you serious?

That is like the biggest news ever!

Ashlee and I are engaged!

How could you not tell us you were married?

Things didn't end well, so when I moved here it wasn't something I wanted to talk about.

And then when we became friends, it felt weird to bring it up.

It didn't end well, but now you're back with him?

Yeah. Curt and I had our issues, but we've always loved each other, and we talked it through last night.

We're gonna give it another go.

Oh, well... [laughs] two married people are staying married.

Call the 6:00 Snooze!

A husband and wife reuniting after five years apart?

That is so romantic!

You want romantic?

When do we get to meet Curt? Is he moving here?

He lives in Chicago, but he has his own plane, so maybe he'll fly back and forth?

We'll figure it out.

What's already figured out is the engagement party that Ashlee and I are throwing Saturday night, huh?

And you're all invited.

Geez, Alden, you haven't been dating very long.

Isn't this engagement kinda quick?

That is not the proper response!

Proper response is like, uh, "congratulations," a hearty clap on the shoulder.

No, don't touch me.


Oh! Sorry.

[beeping stops]

Oh, my gosh!

A Bohemian Waxwing has been sighted nearby!

There hasn't been one in this area since April of aught 3!

Well, what are you waiting for?

The Waxwing is at the top of your bird bucket list!

I know, but I wanna hear about Curt.

And my impending nuptials.

[noncommittal sound]


We'll have plenty of time to talk.

Okay, thanks.


Okay, I gotta go get my binocs!

I guess that's... meeting adjourned.

Alexa, you got a second?

All right, what's going on? I mean, you didn't look too happy to see this guy yesterday, and now you're back with him?

Buddy, I left Curt because he was drinking a lot, and... and things got bad.

But he says he's sober now and a completely different man.

[scoffs] I don't buy it. Once a dick, always a dick.

You don't even know him.

It's like Jesus said about the lepers:

"They don't change their spots."

[sighs] Buddy, Curt was the love of my life at one time, and if he's back to being that guy, don't I owe him a second chance?

So that's it?

He says he's sorry, and all is forgiven?

What about us?


You haven't even wanted to tell people we're together.

Well, maybe I'm ready now.

[small laugh]

Buddy, please don't make this harder than it already is for me.

I'm sorry.

[soft music]


Favorite color.

Well, I tell people blue, but it's really beige.

Oh, my gosh... I thought I was the only one who loved beige!

[both laugh]

This is...

W... Look who's here! Old friends.

Paul and Wendy Johnsen, I'd like you to meet Ashlee.

She's my fiancee!

Nice to meet you.

Say, just had an idea!

How 'bout the four of us have dinner some night?

We're, uh... pretty busy.

Don't mind them.


[distant trilling]

[light music]

♪ ♪

[drum b*at bong]


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Oh, cheese and rice!


First time you've ever called me.

What's up?

I have a proposition for you.

Ah, believe it or not...

I'm not in the mood for a blowski.


See, there's this woman...

I don't give a shit.

I want you to convince Alden to marry me as soon as possible.


Because I want access to all his money before he gets cold feet.

And they say romance is d*ad.

How soon you wanna get married?


That's impossible.

I'll pay you 20 grand.

What time tomorrow?

Buddy: Convincing Schmidt to marry Ashlee in one day would take some inspiration, so I got out my weed and my party meds.

Buddy? Buddy!

[muffled around cigarette] I'm in here.


Oh, Buddy!


[breathless] Oh... you are never gonna believe what I just saw.

That chicken you were looking for?

It is a Bohemian Waxwing, and no.

I was out in McKenna Woods, and I tripped and I fell, and I saw a hand sticking out of the ground.

A d*ad man's hand.

Okay, take it easy, Dora.

It was probably just some sticks.

Oh, really? Do sticks look like this?

Do sticks have fingernails?

Okay. Why don't you sit down?

I need to call Sheriff Graham.

And I was going to from the woods, but I left my phone here.

All right, what you need to do is calm down, all right?

That body... i-if that's what you saw... isn't going anywhere.


Hey, you look pretty banged up.

Here... take some aspirin.



Wash her down.

Oh... th...

Oh, yeah, it's good.

I'll go get something to clean off that knee.

I felt bad about drugging Dora with my party meds.

They were expensive, and those were my last ones.

But I needed some time...


And who doesn't enjoy an afternoon nap?

[light suspenseful music]

♪ ♪



You're up!

How long was I out?

'Bout three hours.

I thought you might have a concussion, so I wanted you to sleep it off.

[knock at door]

Hi, Buddy. Oh, good, you're here.

I have been bursting at the seams to talk to you about Alexa's husband and Schmidt's engagement.

I found a d*ad body in the woods.

What? That's awful!

Now everyone has big news except me.

[light music]

I'd dug up and reburied a body, lost my girlfriend to her husband, and agreed to marry off my hooker.

I needed a drink.

♪ ♪

[dramatic musical flourish]

Curt, right?

Remember me, Pastor Barlow?

Course. Thanks for that bottle of champagne, Pastor.

But I'm three years sober now.

Ah. Good for you.

You have 12 Steps at the church?

Naw. Probably five or six, then you're in. Why?

I meant the program.

Oh! You mean for the drunks.

Yeah. Yeah, we got that.

Anyway, Alexa tells me you two are getting back together.

Yes. I feel so blessed.

You know, as her spiritual advisor, I should get to know you better.

Maybe we could... grab a beer sometime?

You can have one. No problem, right?

'Fraid not.

Uh, you ready to go, Lexi?

Yeah. Nice to see you again, Pastor.

It's just so weird.

I thought Alexa and I were close.

How could she not tell me that she had a husband?

Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings, you being in your 30s and not married.

You're in your 30s and not married.

That's mean.

How much longer?

I already did my 2,000 steps for today.

♪ ♪
There's my scarf.

What... I mean, I don't get it.

It was right here!

Not gonna lie. This is disappointing.

In all my years of pastoring, I haven't seen two people this ready to get married since Jesus and Mary!

Now, I'm guessing there are like zero problems between you two.

You seem totally compatible.

Well, there is one issue.

I wanna be intimate with Alden, but we can't.

Why not?

Ashlee is abstaining from... [lowers voice] sexual [normal voice] uh, relations until after we're married.

For religious reasons.

[coughs, gags]

Bless you, my child.

But with such obvious physical chemistry between you two, I'm not sure abstaining is healthy.

I know what you mean.

I just want him so bad it hurts.

Ashlee, could you give us a minute?


I'll miss you.

[door opens, closes]

What are you waiting for, man?

You have to marry this girl as soon as possible.

She's hot for you!

Well, clearly... uh, but, uh, I don't... what's the rush?

Look, if you don't lock this down, she's gonna get snatched away by someone way better-looking than you.

I'm just gonna throw it out there.

Tomorrow night... your engagement party.

Turn it into a surprise wedding.

Surprise wedding?

People will talk about it for years!

Way more than the Alexa thing, for sure.

By God, if I'm gonna do it anyway, why not tomorrow?

Exactly! And on your wedding night, you are gonna love that thing she does with her pinky.


That I've heard most hetero women do in bed.

[light music]

d*ad bodies don't just get up and walk away.

Unless they're zombies.

Which... I think we can discount.

Look, I am not cuckoo.

I know what I saw. [gasps]

Do you think that maybe an animal came along and dug it up and then moved it?

Then filled the hole and placed your scarf on top?

That makes your zombie theory look good.

I knew you'd come around.

Buddy: Okay, what happened?

I saw your hand shaking at the Roast Office.

Did he do something?

You were right. He hasn't changed.

He's drinking again.


Buddy, I'm scared.

When Curt and I were married, he was crazy jealous, always accusing me of having affairs, screaming at me if I even talked to another man.

And then he'd get drunk and he'd go into these rages.

Did he ever...

I don't wanna talk about it.

Where is he now? I'm gonna tell him to go home while he still has his teeth.

No, no, no, no!

Please don't get involved.

You don't know the temper he has, what he'll do to you.

Why don't you just divorce him?

The last time that I hinted at divorce, he thr*at to k*ll me, and when you are as rich as he is, you can get away with it.

Alexa, you need to leave this assh*le.

I know. But I need you alive when I do.

I love you, Buddy.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Look, I believe that you believe you saw something.

Psychology teaches us that sometimes our subconscious...

I don't remember the rest.

I dropped that class mid-semester.

Russell, I know what I saw.

And I'm gonna prove it.

There was no way I was letting Alexa go back to Chicago with that guy.

[knock at door]




Curt knows there's something between us.

I denied it, but he did not believe me.

He's furious.

Did he hurt you?


But I'm afraid he's gonna come after you.

I saw a p*stol in his bag.

Do you have anything to protect yourself with?

Yeah, remember Damien, the guy you sh*t?

I kept his g*n just in case.

Well, keep it close.

I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you.

Come with me to Mexico.



I have a place near Cancun.

I'm coming into some money tonight.

Then we can take off.




Let's do it.

W-what about Curt?

Bring him to Schmidt's engagement party.

I'll take care of the rest.

Oh! Thank you, Buddy.


[tense music]

[distant beeping]

[louder beeping]

[continues beeping]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Mother of Mary Christmas!

[light dinner music]

♪ ♪

You're wearing white?

What, after a certain number, the odometer resets?

It's my first marriage, wiseass.

You have my money?

I do.

But you won't see it till he says "I do."


Something feels wrong about this.

I think Alden's making a mistake.

Should I say something to him?


An engagement party is no place to bring up doubt.

That kinda stuff should wait till after they're married.

Alexa, hey. Schmidt's party's starting.

Where are you? Call me!


I found my phone.

Great. It's a... special day for everyone.

It was in the woods near where the body was.

Damn! Must have fallen out of my jacket when I was dragging Damien.

Uh... you must have dropped it bird-watching.

I didn't have it then.

I came back to the house to call the police, and then... you took it away from me, remember?

Uh... no.

[exhales] The last time I saw my phone, it was in your hands.

I'm sure of it.

[sighs] Look... you took a nasty spill.

I think you're remembering wrong.

And I think you're lying.


I want the truth.

Did you go to the woods while I was sleeping?

♪ ♪

Pastor, you are needed in the living room.

Duty calls.


Attention, everyone. [tapping glass]

I have an announcement to make.

And just so you know, if Alexa shows up later, she's married, and it's not that big a deal.

Get on with it, sweetie.

No... well, uh, this engagement party is actually a wedding!

[guests murmur]

Yeah, Ashlee and I are getting married now!

[Ashlee giggles]

Wow! That is awesome!

Let's hear it for the bride and groom!


[light music]

♪ ♪

[playing "The Wedding March"]

[playing faster]

[stops playing]

Do you, Alden, take...

[phone vibrates]

Hang on a sec.

[guests exclaim, murmur]

Where is he going?

[door closes]

I don't know.

I don't know if I know him anymore.

Why is he always running off someplace?

Alden, sweetie, I wanna get married.

Right now.

Oh, now, don't you worry, Pumpkin.

Is anyone here an ordained minister?

We'll even take a rabbi.

She's kidding!

We want it to be legal in the eyes of God.

Russell's ordained. He could officiate.

You officiated at Seth and Nick's wedding.

Do you do normal weddings too?


Between a man and woman, yeah.

I could... but I won't.

Why? Don't you think straight people deserve to get married too?

No, it's not that, I...

I just don't believe this is true love.


[guests murmur]


Your friends suck!


[plays off-chord]

[tires screeching]

What's he doing here?

Curt, take it easy.

I'll get rid of him.

Thank God you're here.

Save me, Buddy.

Get away from her.

Not a chance.

I'm not gonna let you hurt her anymore.

Me? You're the one who's been abusing her.


He's gonna k*ll you!

sh**t him, Buddy!

Lexi, you said he hit you.

He's lying! sh**t him!

Alexa, what is going on?



What did you do?

Damn it!

Why didn't you sh**t him? I had it all worked out!

Worked out?

Curt dies.

I inherit all his money, and you get off with justifiable homicide.

We could have still been together, and rich!

What? What, you planned on me k*lling him?

Why not? You k*lled Ray and Kenny for me.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, right.

And you're a real pastor, too.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

You were playing me the whole time?

Since the moment this bastard walked into my store.

I knew you couldn't resist being the hero.

I just had to make you believe that I was in danger.

But you never were.

Not this time.

But who knows what would have happened if I went back with him after the way he treated me before?

He got what he deserved.

Wow. You really sold me a story, didn't you?

And now I have to sell the police the story that my possessive husband and my secret lover got into a g*n... and k*lled each other.

But that's not what...



Take the place in Mexico.

This never happened.

It's too bad, Buddy. I really did like you.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Oh, hell, gimme the key.

You ever tell anyone about this, I won't be the only one spending the rest of my life in jail.

What about him?

You'll handle it.

You're good at making things go away.

[car door opens, closes]

[engine revs]

[sirens approaching]

God damn it.
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