10x12 - The Holiday Summation

[bunniefuu]

Hey, can you help me put some of the food out?

Yeah. Let me finish packing this stuff up.

You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff lying around after New Year's.

Yeah, but he doesn't live here anymore.

Well, he doesn't live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

And that's the same man who complains you can't find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

(phone chimes)

Oh. It's Bernadette. She says they're running late.

"The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard."

Well, he didn't throw up on the baby. That's a win.

(door opens)

Hello.

Hi.

Hi! Welcome back. How was Texas?

Oh, you know. The Lone Star state. Hmm.

That should be its Yelp rating.

It was not a great trip.

Well, you're home now.

Yeah. It is good to be home.

I... Oh, good Lord! Is that mistletoe?

Don't you maniacs own a calendar?

I told him to take it down. He would not listen to me.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x12 ♪
The Holiday Summation

Did you at least have a good flight down there?

It was fine.

Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me.

I slept the whole way.

So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?

And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

Well, we were on our way to my mother's house...

(gasps) How did we get in the car?

Leonard: Hold on.

How did you get him in the car?

I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.

So, while we're at your mother's house, it might be a good time to tell her that we're living together.

Do we have to?

I really don't want to hear the religious lecture.

Maybe there won't be one.

(scoffs) There's always one.

She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend.

That one had some un-Christian words in it.

Well, she likes me.

You know, there's a chance she might be okay with it.

Eh, I don't know.

I am her precious little boy.

And you did take my flower.

Do boys have flowers?

Who knows what he has down there.

Mm.

Anyway...

Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it.

Amen.

Given that your hands prepared it, isn't that a little self-serving?

You start changing the words to the prayers, next thing you know, you're in a church with a guitar.

Thank you for cooking, it looks delicious.

Oh, it's my pleasure. Mm.

I'm so glad y'all could make it.

So, tell me, what's going on back home?

Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.

(gasps) Oh, that's wonderful!

Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?

Welcome to Texas.

They haven't said.

Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.

(gasps) Oh, wait, wait... I... Shouldn't we just eat?

You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.

Come on, Shelly, tell me your news.

All right. This is on you. (clears throat)

Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers.

Now, while you scold us, I'm going to get a Kn*fe and a fork.

Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon's not.

Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.

What?

What... Where's the judgment?

W-Where's the fire and brimstone?

Where's the part where you tell us we're going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside?

We're already there!

Obviously, I would prefer if you weren't living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I'm very happy for you.

And what "special circumstances" are those?

Oh, boy, I think it's about to get bad.

Shelly, how do I put this?

By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.

What, so... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

No! Just for the middle part.

'Cause at the end I assumed there'd be nurses.

Well, this is highly insulting.

Sheldon, don't overreact.

I'm the child she was worried about?

I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn't power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What?

Well, I was in my room, I couldn't hear what they were saying.

I'll take over from here.

Amy: He's been in there a long time.

Should I go talk to him?

He's upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him.

Are you going to?

Oh, heck no.

Sheldon, what... what are you doing?

Just being the un-socialized eccentric my mother always thought I was.

You startin' to see why I didn't go in there?

Sheldon, if you're trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain't changing my mind.

We're ignoring the fins... Okay.

Yeah. And I don't understand why you're taking her side.

By being my girlfriend, she's saying you're a weirdo, too.

I don't think that's what she's saying.

And...?

That's exactly what she was saying.

Can you believe my mother thinks we're both strange?

Absolutely not!

(quietly): That's... too loud.

Absolutely not.

Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.

Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

You know, I'm sorry your mother made you feel bad.

But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you're not alone.

You're right.

I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard's mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton...

What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet?

I was going chronologically.

You're right between Koothrappali's father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

Well, let's try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip.

I knew we should've never mentioned us living together in the first place.

She was gonna find out eventually.

Disagree.

We've known about evolution since 1859.

She still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat.

This could have all been avoided if you'd only listened to me.

Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.

Why would you do that?

This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.

You "managed the situation."

That's right.

So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I'm incapable of running my own life.

Not your whole life!

I mean, science. You got that.

Organizing your sock drawer, you're the king.

But understanding how other people are feeling, that's a weak spot for you.

I have gotten much better at that.

Have you?

How am I feeling right now?

What the... How should I know?

Excited? Itchy?

Give me the first letter.

You and I are in a relationship.

I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.

How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

Delighted that you showed any interest in my family at all?

"Delighted"?

What... Not if I guessed for a hundred years.

(knocking on door)

Hi.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi. There's the little family!

Hello.

Hello.

And their Sherpas.

Mm-hmm.

The baby's asleep, can we put her in your room?

Yeah. Go ahead.

Do you need help?

No. I got it.

Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me.

Sorry we're late.

Oh, it's no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

Yeah. Here.

I'll catch you up.

(gasps) How did we get in the car?

Stop.

Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head...

On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school.

I was acting odd intentionally.

Really? So you can control it?

Okay. Then what happened?

Well, there's really not much left to tell.

I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring.

(click, then Sheldon screams)

My mother made me take it out.

(screams)

Amy put alcohol on it.

(screams)

And here we are.

What did we miss?

I couldn't explain it if I tried.

So tell me, how did Sheldon look with an earring?

Like the pirate who helps the other pirates connect to the Internet.

So what did you and Leonard do?

Actually, we got in a pretty nasty fight.

It might've been the worst one we've ever had.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then, I find out that she watched two episodes without me.

It's like I was excited for a present and got socks.

I don't understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.

I don't understand what's wrong with socks.

To be fair, we may have been on edge because of the Christmas tree.

What happened with the tree?

("Sleigh Ride" by The Ronettes plays)

You do make a cute elf.

Oh, yeah?

And you thought Spock ears were only good for Comic-Con.

Hey, hey, I just found a farm where they let you chop down your own tree.

Oh cool, I'll be like a pointy-eared Paul Bunyan.

Stupid idea.

No, what's stupid is a physicist who doesn't understand when you swing an axe, you don't let go.

For the tenth time, my mittens were slippery!

Ugh.

It's 70 degrees, you didn't need mittens.

You know how easily I blister.

Yes, yes, you bruise, you peel.

It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.

Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night, or-or we can stop and try to salvage the evening.

Fine. Thank you.

Leonard?

Yeah.

There's something on the windshield.

(grunting)

You need a break?

Do not need a break.

There's no shame in asking for a break.

If I need a break, I'll ask for a break!

Ugh.

Leonard?

Yeah?

There's a tree on you.

Oh!

Sh...

Ooh.

Ah.

You want to decorate it tonight?

Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure.

(both groan)

(both panting)

(animal chittering)

I hope it kills us both.

By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.

So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?

Sure.

Hey, how's life with your baby?

Really? You're never gonna touch their baby?

To this day I've never touched Stuart.

It's been wonderful, Sheldon, thanks for asking.

(baby crying)

Bernadette: Oh, please stop crying, I'm begging you!

I don't know what else to do!

My boobs are empty.

Do you want lasagna?

(baby continues crying)

Shh, shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.

Shh.

(crying stops)

What have we done?

Hey, I found superhero baby wipes, the perfect way to clean up crime... and tushies.

(chuckles)

(baby crying)

Ugh.

It took me two hours to get her down.

Oh, you-you relax, I'll take this shift.

You know, in India when my baby brother cried like that, the servants would just take him far away so we couldn't hear it.

Not always, sometimes we'd leave.

(crying stops)

Hey, he got her to stop.

That was so fast.

Oh, he's really good with her.

(voice breaking): Yeah, he has a gift.

What's the matter?

Nothing, these are happy tears.

Oh, good. (chuckles)

No they're not, you bozo!

How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can't?

I mean, it's Stuart.

Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.

Not funny.

She's tired, that was funny.

Everyone's a better mom than me.

Oh, don't take it so personally, maybe your baby's just a jerk.

(cries loudly)

Wait, so how does the story end?

Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

Sheldon!

W-What?

Is there another twist coming?

Is the baby not theirs at all?

Ignore him.

How did you get the baby to stop crying?

Oh, I just talked to her.

I've been told the sound of my voice puts people to sleep.

You poor things, you must be exhausted.

It has been hard to sleep with all the crying.

(crying loudly)

How can she hate me?

I make her food in my chest!

It's like hating a frozen yogurt machine.

She doesn't hate you, stop saying that.

Now you hate me too!

Shh, I don't hate you.

(baby crying)

(crying)

(crying)

(all three crying)

It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues.

And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they're doing a good job.

Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

Thank you, Sheldon, I'm feeling better now.

Thank you, Internet.

I'm telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.

So things started to turn around?

Yeah, eventually I figured out how to get the baby to sleep.

Please tell me you didn't use Amy's magic juice.

(whispering): Bernie?

Bernadette: Shh.

She's asleep.

Great.

And where are you?

Down here.

Oh. (chuckles)

This is new.

I didn't know what else to do.

It worked.

Well, I'd say that's thinking outside the box, but... (clicks tongue) ...come on.

(chuckles)

Don't make me laugh.

(softly): Oh.

Do you need help getting out?

I think I live here now.

It's fine. (chuckles)

Is it okay if I get some sleep?

Yeah, go ahead.

Good job, Mommy.

(chuckles)

I'm proud of you.

(voice breaking): Don't make me cry, either.

Good night.

I love both my girls.

We love you, too.

I can't believe you fit in the crib.

I could take a bath in the sink.

I don't, but I can.

So how were your holidays?

Oh, thank you for asking.

Uh, I, uh, went to visit my grandmother.

She's in Bakersfield.

Uh, usually my brother and sister go...

(all snoring)

Oh, come on!

That was fun, thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

Our pleasure.

See you guys at work.

Koothrappali: Be there bright and early.

Not me, paternity leave.

Oh!

A small human wreaks havoc on his wife's genitals and he gets time off.

With pay, sucka!

(door closes)

Forgot the baby, still new to this.