02x05 - Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - KACL
Fade in. Frasier is on the air.

Frasier: Thank you for your call, Lorraine. And now, before we break
for a commercial, Roz has an important message. Roz?

He looks over, but Roz isn't in her booth. Frasier sits for a moment,
then speaks up.

Frasier: What's that, Roz? Can't come to the mike right now?
Well, what she wanted to say was...

He gets up, leans over and tries to read the notice through the
connecting window.

Frasier: Tomorrow, on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat," sociologist Lamont
Myman discusses his book, "v*olence in the Workplace: Why
Co-Workers k*ll." Something which becomes more relevant
With each passing moment. We'll be right back after these
messages.

CUT TO: the hallway.
Roz is pounding on the candy machine and yelling. Frasier comes out.

Roz: Cough it up, you piece of tin!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: What are you doing out here?
Frasier: One might ask the same question of you. Isn't it customary
to wait until the show comes to a complete stop before
exiting?
Roz: I have a little urge. [She pounds on the machine again.]
Damn it!
Frasier: What is the matter with you?
Roz: [rocking the machine] I have GOT to have some CHOCOLATE!
It's kind of a celebration. At 11:07 this morning,
I finished one of those magazine diets: Seven Days to a
Healthier, Calmer You.

She shoves her hands in the drop part of the machine, Frasier comes
up and grabs her.

Frasier: Now, Roz. Come on, come on, Roz, come on. Look, I'm doing
this for your own good.

He pulls her away and she kicks the machine.

Roz: Wait! Something came out. [She reaches in and grabs it.]
Oh, damn! Chocolate covered raisins.

She heads back to her booth, Frasier following.

Roz: I'd like to meet the idiot that came up with these. Take a
grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart and cover
it with perfectly good chocolate. [She rips the package open.]
What the hell. I'll just suck the chocolate off.
Frasier: Be sure to save what's left, maybe you can make some wine.

He goes back to his side, Niles comes into Roz's booth. He stares at
her for a few moments as she sucks the chocolate off and spits the
raisins into a paper cup. She finally notices him.

Niles: See all those years of finishing school really paid off.

She spits a raisin at him as he ducks into Frasier's booth.

Niles: Mon frere?
Frasier: Hmm?
Niles: We're in luck!

He hops up on the console and a piercing tone erupts. He desperately
stabs at the buttons, until Frasier hits one on his console to shut it
off. Niles carefully eases up on the console.

Niles: I've just come back from my broker. Meadow Wood Properties
still has one share left in that mini-mall deal, I think we
should go halfsies and buy it. Give me five, bro.
Frasier: I'm not giving you anything. I told you I'm not interested.
Niles: You can't afford not to be interested. It's a twelve percent
return. We've a chance to make a real k*lling here.

Roz comes in.

Frasier: Niles, why is it so important to you? You and Maris are
already wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie hogs.
Niles: This has nothing to do Maris. I'm making this investment
entirely with my own money.
Frasier: And mine!
Niles: And yours!
Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier, show some understanding. Maris uses
her money to emasculate the poor guy, and this is his pathetic
attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain
some shred of his former manhood. [giving Niles the once-over]
Such as it was.
Niles: [un-offended, to Frasier] Well?
Frasier: Twelve percent?
Niles: Net! And, if you're unhappy at the end of the year, I'll buy
you out and you can go back to that cozy two percent your
bank is giving you.
Frasier: Okay, okay. I'm in.
Niles: Oh, thank you Frasier!

He shakes Frasier's hand, then follows Roz to her side.

Niles: And thank you, Roz. That "financial eunuch" bit was inspired.
Great stuff, great stuff.
Roz: Yeah, well, look what I had to work with.

Niles makes a little "Well, right" toss of his head and leaves.

FADE OUT

SCENT OF A WOMAN


Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Martin is sitting at the table, clipping coupons. Frasier
is standing nearby.

Martin: Hey, check this baby out: twenty-five cents off on a package
of Butter Buds imitation utter.
Frasier: My, I can taste that scampi now.

He goes to throw some paper away. Daphne comes in from her room
wearing a red, oriental style dress.

Daphne: Well?

Martin lets out a wolf whistle.

Frasier: Well, Daphne, very nice.
Daphne: Thank you.
Frasier: No, thank YOU.
Daphne: I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both
are right now. I'm going out with Derek again tonight. But
I'm having trouble choosing a fragrance. I've got it pinned
down to these two. [she sprays one] “Heather” - fresh and
bouncy as a spring morning, or [she sprays the other]
“Forbidden” – your passport to erotic realms of pleasure.

Martin and Frasier smell them.

Martin: How many times you been out with this guy?
Daphne: This is our third date.

Martin and Frasier share a look and -

Both: Forbidden.

Daphne sprays some in the air and walks into it.

Daphne: Why is it so important this is our third date?
Frasier: [going to the couch and sitting down] Well, Daphne, sexual
mores being what they are in America, the third date is
usually the place where two healthy adults decide whether or
not to... take it to the next level.
Daphne: Excuse me?! What kind of a randy custom is that? First
date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers?!

The doorbell rings and she heads for the door.

Daphne: The third date may mean that to you Americans, [She opens the
door to reveal Niles.] but it takes more than three dinners
to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.

Niles is a little stunned.

Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. You look even lovelier than usual this
evening.
Daphne: Thank you.

He comes in, then sniffs the air. He turns around and gets closer to
her to get a good whiff.

Niles: Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word!
Daphne: [heading for her room] I think I'll just scrub me neck with
an unscented soap. If you ask me, you Americans have an
unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as
the Royal Family.

Daphne turns and gives him a look, the goes to her room.
Martin gets up and heads for his.

Frasier: [laughing] Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been savin' it!

He exits to the hallway.

Niles: Frasier, I come bearing good news. I just spoke to my broker:
Meadow Wood Properties has already leased eighty-five percent
of the space in the proposed mini-mall. Instead of twelve
percent, they are projecting a fifteen percent return on our
money!
Frasier: This is fantastic! What say we go celebrate with a nice
dinner at an exclusive boite?
Niles: Yes, but the question remains, what boite?
Frasier: Charise?
Niles: Too noisy.
Frasier: Alsace?
Niles: Too bright.
Frasier: Papillion?
Niles: Too crowded.
Frasier: We've run out of boites.
Niles: A city this size and only three boites.
Frasier: How do we live?
Martin: [coming from his room] Hey, I'm goin' down to Duke's.
What are you guys doin'?
Frasier: Well, we're trying to find some place to eat.
Martin: Well, when you get through, why don't you swing by and have
a beer with me?

The boys look stunned and stand up.

Frasier: At Duke's?
Martin: Yeah.
Niles: Us?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: With you?
Martin: What am I speaking, Swahili? Yeah! You two. At Duke's.
With me. A beer. If you want. Geez!

He leaves and the boys, stunned, sit down on the couch in unison.

Niles: My God, do you believe that?
Frasier: No. No one in the family's ever been invited to Duke's.
Niles: Not even Mother, and there were times she could be quite the
old rummy.

They thoughtfully rub their chins, again in unison. Daphne comes from
her room and gets her coat.

Frasier: I wonder why now, after thirty years, he's suddenly inviting
us down there.
Daphne: Cheerio.
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne. Has Dad said anything to you about us and
Duke's? Has he been planning this?
Daphne: You mean... behind your backs?
Niles: Precisely.
Daphne: No! What a couple of Wallys! I mean, I have never met a
family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each
other. Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with
his sons?
Niles: [standing up] No. Duke's is where Dad hangs up with his cop
buddies. Where he goes to escape the stresses, strains and
petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.
Daphne: Well, I suppose you could sit around here analyzing why he
invited you and end up frittering the night away. Or, here's
a thought: you could just go down there and find out for
yourselves.

She leaves.

Frasier: You know, for a lay person, she has a way of cuttin' right
through the crap, doesn't she?

FADE OUT

WHERE NOBODY KNOWS
THEIR NAMES


Scene 3 - Duke's
Fade in. There is a neon sign flashing "Duke's". We pan across the
bar to see a room full of working class men drinking, smoking and
talking. Martin is at the bar talking with friends. Frasier and Niles
enter and look around.

Niles: Oh, my God, it's a room full of Dads.
Frasier: Oh, look, there he is, there he is! Oh, look at him, holding
court. No wonder he likes it down here so much, they're all
hanging on his every word.

Martin and the others break up laughing.

Niles: Wow, that's the most fun I've ever seen him have without a
remote control in his hands.
Martin: Hey, Frasier, Niles! I'm glad you could make it. Yeah, come
on in, I want you to meet some of the guys I was on the force
with. Hey guys, these are my boys. This is Frasier, he's on
the radio.
Joe: [yelling] Hey, this is Marty's kid, the guy on the radio!

Everyone cheers and shakes his hand. Niles looks a bit put out at
being ignored.

Joe: Hey, Frasier. Joe Herman. Nice to meet you. Hey, check this
out. "I'm listening."
Frasier: [humoring him] It's like hearing a recording of myself.
Niles: [pulling on Martin's sleeve] Dad? Dad, Dad.
Martin: What? Oh, yeah, and this is my other son, Niles. He's a
psychiatrist, too. [No response.] He married money!

Everyone yells "All right!" and "Way to go!" Niles takes the
attention happily.

Martin: Hey, Duke. Duke, come on, I want you to meet my boys.
Yeah, this is Frasier, and this is Niles.
Duke: Hey, how are ya? Hey, how about a couple of Duke's Specials
for you guys?
Niles: And what would those be?
Duke: Boilermaker. A sh*t of whiskey, beer back.
Niles: Oh, darn, we've been drinking those all night. Maybe it's
time we switched to sherry. [off Martin and Frasier's
looks] Two boilermakers, please.
Duke: It's great finally meetin' you guys. Martin's been tellin'
us about you since you were kids.
Frasier: Aw, Dad.
Duke: I tell you Frasier, we all felt terrible when you heard
your wife was screwin' around behind your back. What was
her name again?
Everyone: Lilith!

Frasier glares at Martin who looks a bit uncomfortable.

Martin: Hey, it was a slow night, all right?! [He grabs his beer and
goes out on the floor.] All right, all right everybody,
settle down here, settle down. I wanna make a toast. For
thirty years, Duke's has been my home away from home. I look
around here tonight and I see a lot of friends, and I wanna
say I'm gonna miss you. And I'm gonna miss this joint too.
And may there be a special place in hell for those SOBs who
are tearin' it down to build some damn mini-mall.

Frasier and Niles look a bit uncomfortable.

Everyone: Yeah!
Martin: Those snivelling, rat-face bastards from Meadow Wood
Properties!
Everyone: Yeah!
Martin: To Duke's!
Everyone: To Duke's!

Frasier and Niles toss back their whiskeys and slam the glasses on the bar.

Frasier: Two more!

FADE OUT

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Café Nervosa
Fade in. Niles and Frasier are sitting at the bookcase table.

Niles: Did you talk to your lawyer?
Frasier: Yes, he's examined the contract. Our checks have cleared.
I even talked to the general partner, he says there's no way
they're willing to even consider moving the site. The deal's
going through.
Niles: Maybe we could have Duke's declared a historical landmark,
it's been there forty years.
Frasier: I doubt that, Niles. They already tore down Seattle's first
Pony Express office to build this place.

He taps the table.

Niles: Damn!

Roz comes over with coffees.

Roz: Here you go, guys, one cappuccino, one latte, and hey, these
are on me.
Frasier: Oh!
Niles: This guilt is driving me crazy.
Roz: It should, you make about ten times more than I do.
Niles: Duke's was his whole life.
Frasier: Well, Niles, there's nothing we can do about it, really.
You know, look at it this way: we're actually doing Dad a
service, stopping him from going out and drinking. And the
other policemen as well. Maybe we're even performing a
community service. Men with g*ns will have one less place
to go and liquor up.
Niles: There's always Roz's place.
Roz: Well, what do you say about me when I'm not around?
Niles: I think the only way I'm going to feel better is if I just
bite the b*llet and tell Dad.
Roz: The way I see it, your situation is like a woman who has one
crazy night and cheats on her boyfriend. And the only reason
for this woman to confess is to make herself feel better.
So, the best thing she can do is just keep her mouth shut.
Unless, of course, her boyfriend walks in on her and the
other guy because he decides to come home from Portland on
the midnight flight instead of driving back like he said he
would, so in that case, he's the liar and why should she feel
bad?!
Frasier: Thank you, Roz, for that purely theoretical example. Fact
is, I happen to agree with you. Niles, if we tell him now,
it will only hurt him. We've got to keep this quiet.
Niles: All right, I just don't think it can be done.
Frasier: Of course it can be done!
Niles: You mean to say, you can look Dad in the eye, day after day,
knowing you have destroyed his sanctuary, and not tell him?
You can live with that?
Frasier: Niles, you're forgetting: I married Lilith, I can live with
anything.

FADE OUT

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
(you knew we had to do it eventually)


Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. It is night, Eddie is on Martin's chair. Frasier comes in
from his room. He walks over to the piano and turns on the
neon "Duke's" sign. He looks at Eddie, who stares back.

Frasier: You buy into an investment GROUP, Eddie, you don't know!

Eddie runs off to Daphne's room, Frasier sits at the table.
Martin comes in from his room and turns on the lights.

Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. What are you doing up?
Martin: Oh, I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.
Martin: Tell me about it. Oh, you turned the sign on. That was nice
of Duke to give to me. You hold a glass of beer in front of
it, it turns green.

Martin goes into the kitchen. After a pause, Frasier follows him.
Reset to - the kitchen. Martin is looking through the refrigerator as
Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Dad, Niles and I are investors in the company that's tearing
down Duke's.

Martin straightens up, but doesn't say anything.

Frasier: We didn't know! When we found out, we tried to get out of
it, but we couldn't.

Martin pulls out a carton of milk and turns to pour a glass.

Frasier: Oh, geez, yell at me Dad, will you please? Just hit me or
something, hit me with your cane. Just don't stand there.

Martin swings his arm over and pours milk down the front of Frasier's
robe. Frasier wipes it up and Martin puts the milk away.

Martin: Let me see if I got this right: in the last year, you give
my chair away, you lose my dog, and now you demolish my bar.
What's next? I'm gonna find out you're the one who sh*t me
in the hip?

He heads for the living room.

Frasier: I have an alibi for that one.

Reset to - the living room as they come out.

Martin: You have an alibi for everything.
Frasier: Dad, it's not like I did this on purpose, I'm part of a huge
investment group.
Martin: You know, I don't get it. You guys stood there and watched
me and my friends get all weepy and you didn't say anything.
Frasier: Well, what did you want us to say? "Say fellas, here's
something ironic..."
Martin: Well, why the hell didn't you at least tell me?
Frasier: I don't know. I guess... I guess maybe it was because when
you invited me down to Duke's, it felt like we were finally
getting closer. It was a momentous step.
Martin: It was a beer!
Frasier: Not to me! It was validation. Finally I was one of the guys
you wanted to hang out with. I, I didn't want to spoil that.
Martin: I woulda had you down there before, I just figured it was the
kinda place you'd look down your nose at.
Frasier: [considering] Well, you're probably right. Anyway, I'm
sorry.
Martin: Well maybe I spent too much time at Duke's anyway.

He sits down in his chair.

Frasier: What do you mean?
Martin: Oh, you know. When you kids were growing up, maybe if I'd
spent less time at Duke's and more time with you, maybe I'd
be sittin' across from a son who put so much stock in one
beer.
Frasier: You know, I was actually having a pretty good time down there
at Duke's. Until I found out I was the one responsible for
obliterating it from the face of the planet.
Martin: I liked havin' you there, too, son.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad.

He reaches over and begins smoothing Martin's sleep ruffled hair.

Frasier: Do you mind, Dad? It's driving me crazy, it looks like hell.
Martin: [getting up] Hey, you know what? We got a couple hours before
that wrecking ball comes. How 'bout you and I go down there
and have one more beer?
Frasier: To Duke's?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Now?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: You and me? Us, together?
Martin: Oh, not this again!

He goes in the kitchen.

Frasier: Yeah, yeah, all right, great!
Martin: [returning with a six-pack] Just you, me, and Charlie
Ballantine.
Frasier: I'll meet you right back here in a minute.

He turns to head for his bedroom, but the front door opens.
It is Daphne, coming home.

Frasier: Oh, good evening, Daphne. Or should I say, good morning?

Daphne rolls her eyes and leans against the door as she closes it.

Frasier: How was your... date with Derek?
Daphne: We had a wonderful time. First we went to dinner, then to the
symphony. Then we took a lovely moonlight stroll through the
park. He's a perfect gentleman, is Derek.

She goes to hang up her coat and go to her room, but the hem of her
skirt is tucked up in the waistband and there is a tear in one of her
leggings. Most suggestive of all, she’s missed a button in the back of
her shirt and her bare back is matted with grass clippings. Frasier
and Martin stare after her as she exits.

Frasier: Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.

Martin nods.

FADE OUT

Scene 4 - Duke's
Fade in. The bar is now stripped out. Frasier and Martin are sitting
on crates, drinking beers and singing.

Both: ...and I'll be here, in sunshine or in shadow. Oh, Danny boy,
oh, Danny boy, I love you so... [Martin signals Frasier to
raise his pitch, they finish]
Martin: That was good. That reminds me of old Mickey Doogan.
I remember one Fourth of July, we were on mounted patrol,
leadin' a big parade down Broad Street. It was a real
scorcher that day, musta been a hundred degrees, and I'm
sittin' on top of a thousand pounds of hot, sweaty horse.
I musta been complainin' a bit, 'cause as we ride by Duke's,
Mickey gets fed up and says "If you want a damn beer so bad,
shut up and get one." So I ride old Agides right through
the front door, right up to the bar and order myself a beer.
Duke plays it cool as a cucumber and says "And what'll your
friend have?" I say, "Nothin', he's drivin."

He laughs, Frasier laughs politely.

Martin: I’ve told ya that one before, haven't I?
Frasier: Yeah.
Martin: [rising] Oh, what a place.
Frasier: You want another beer, Dad?
Martin: Sure, why not?

He stares out the main window, then looks around the bar.

Martin: Sun's up. You look around this place, in the golden early
morning light... it's still a dump. I'm gonna miss it,
though.

Frasier gets up and gives Martin his beer.

Frasier: Yeah, I know what it is to have a neighborhood bar.
I remember the last time I walked out of my old watering hole
back in Boston. A strangely emotional day.
Martin: It's the people, I guess. Saying goodbye to a lot of people.
Frasier: You know, Dad, just because you're saying goodbye to this
place, doesn't mean you can't see your buddies just as much
as you always did.
Martin: Yeah, it does.
Frasier: Yeah, you're right.

They sit back down.

Martin: But that's life, huh? You move on. Only a fool tries to
fight it.

Niles rushes in.

Martin: What are you doing here?
Niles: I'm here to stop the demolition. What are you doing here?
Martin: We came to say goodbye.
Niles: You may not have to. I've alerted my lawyers. I intend to
stand here and face down the bulldozers. I'm prepared to
take this thing to the highest court in the land.
Frasier: Niles, you don't have to do that. I've had a discussion with
Dad, he forgives us.
Martin: Sure son, don't worry about it. It's okay.
Niles: Is it really okay? I think NOT! Because today it's Duke's,
but tomorrow, it's Moe's. And the day after that, it's
Ernie's Tap Room. See, I'm not just here for you, Dad.
I'm doin' this for every little guy out there who found some
solace at the end of a hard day by bellying up at his
neighborhood bar. I'm here to show faceless corporate
America they can't just come in here without so much as
a "How de do" and shove the little guy aside. Even when I'M
that faceless corporate America! I'm here to fight the good
fight, to show those sniveling rat-faced heathens there's
still some fury pounding in the heart of John Q. Public!

A wrecking ball smashes through the main window, Frasier and Martin
run out.

Niles: On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of progress?

He races for the door.

End of Act 2

Credits:

The sign from Duke's is on and flashing. All of Martin's friends are
here, drinking and smoking cigars. Frasier, completely frustrated,
rushes around passing out coasters, getting a man off the phone and
spraying air freshener.