05x11 - Ain't Nobody's Business If "I Do"

[bunniefuu]

Act One

MAMMA MIA!


Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier and Niles are sat chatting.

Niles: Oh, I got your message about the wine club, Friday night,
and yes, I will be there.
Frasier: Oh, good, Dad's kicking me out of the house that night so he
and Sherry can have a little party. [laughs] Oh, I don't know.
Life really is a circle, isn't it? I'm letting Dad use my
place for his friends to get together, and just a few years
ago it would have been Dad who'd have to leave his house for
my parties.
Niles: Yes, if you'd had any parties when we were young that would
be filled with irony!

Daphne enters and sits with them.

Daphne: Thank goodness you're here, I've got some rather shocking
news.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: I found a ring in your father's underwear drawer.
Frasier: [shocked] What on earth would leave a ring around his
underwear drawer?
Daphne: Not around, in! An engagement ring in a jewelry box.
Niles: An engagement ring? Dad must be about to ask Sherry to marry
him. Do you know what that means?
Frasier: Yes, we're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"
sounds like on [in horror] the banjo!
Niles: It means she's going to be our mother. What are we going to
do?
Frasier: Well, there's nothing we can do, Niles. It's what Dad wants.
Niles: But... what do we even call her?
Frasier: Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "mother." No,
that's too formal. "Mama"... no, "Ma!"
Niles: [in dread] Ooh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma."
"Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma." "Off to the roller
derby, Ma'?"
Daphne: That's typical of you two. Your father is about to get
married and all you two can think about is how it will
affect you. [pause] What about me?!
Frasier: What about you?
Daphne: Sherry's never exactly liked me. You don't think she'll try
to make your father get rid of me, do you?
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, of course not. He'd be lost without you.
Niles: Yes, and even if by some chance that were to happen, Daphne,
I could always use you. [realizing innuendo] I, I would know
of a position you could take... [digging into a hole]
...services that you could perform. [holds himself, then:]
I would know of an opening... [realizes the path he has taken
and takes up the check] This is on me.

Daphne nods at him in confusion.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles and Frasier are sat on the sofa as Sherry and Martin prepare
for their party.

Sherry: Marty, you need to stir the dip more, it's got whole lumps
of soup mix in it.
Martin: Sorry.
Frasier: My, my, my, quite a little shindig you two are planning for
tonight. We have the cheese logs, the erotic fortune cookies.
For after dinner, a bloopers tape: "Too Hot For Hee-Haw."
Niles: I see that Martha Stewart party book I gave you really paid
off.
Sherry: Oh, this old crowd, they wouldn't go for that fru-fru stuff.
Get 'em liquored up, put out some corn nuts and they can go
all night.
Frasier: When you say all night-?
Martin: [finishes stirring] There you go, smooth as silk.
Sherry: [kisses him] Thank you.
Niles: Who's going to be attending this soirée?
Sherry: Oh, just some old friends I'm dying for Marty to meet. Now,
let's see, there's Ray and Lola Sherwood - well, I worked
with them in Atlantic City when they had a Kn*fe-throwing
act. Oh, now, Marty, try not to stare at her eyes, she gets
self-conscious. And, let's see. Oh, and Edith's coming with
her new fiancé.
Martin: Oh, she finally met him, huh?
Sherry: Mm, just this week.
Niles: They're engaged and they just met this weekend?
Sherry: Well, you see, up until now, it's been kind of a pen-pal
relationship. He's been... detained the last few years.
Frasier: Well, you know, you're going to need some room for those
corn nuts, why don't I just get this pesky priceless
sculpture out of your way!

Frasier hurriedly removes the Chihuly to his room.

[N.B. Since the Chihuly is a genuine work of art, valued at upwards of
$75,000, it is always removed from the set before any scene that
involves rough-housing in the living room.]

Sherry: Marty, I never heard back from Vic and Linda, did you get a
message?
Martin: No.
Sherry: Oh, gee, maybe they left one on my machine.

Sherry phones through to her machine.

Martin: So, what are you guys up to tonight?

Niles has just read one of the fortune cookies, and is gaping when he
suddenly realizes Martin's question.

Niles: Em, our wine club is having a vertical tasting at the "Opus
One."
Martin: Oh, well, don't drink too much.
Niles: [laughs] It's not like that, Dad, you don't actually drink
the wine. You just swish it around and spit it out.
Martin: We all did that at Duke's New Year's Eve party. Of course,
it wasn't wine, it was egg salad!

Frasier enters as Sherry hangs up.

Sherry: You know, that is so weird. I just got a message from my
manager down at McGinty's. Some guy came in asking a lot of
questions about me.
Martin: What kind of questions?
Sherry: Well, like where I used to work, the people I used to date,
and the weirdest part is, my neighbor told me somebody came
around asking her about me too.
Martin: Sounds like somebody's checking up on ya'.
Sherry: Like a detective?
Martin: Oh no, it's probably a credit card company, something like
that, I wouldn't worry about it.

Martin gets up from the table and casually walks toward Frasier and
Niles, as Sherry goes into the kitchen.

Sherry: Well, still, it is a little scary. I wish I knew who it was.
Martin: Oh, forget about it, I've been through this before. Private
investigators never leave a trail. Really, it could be
anyone.
Sherry: If you think so.

Once she's into the kitchen, Martin rounds on Frasier and Niles.

Martin: [whispering furiously] Which one of you hired him?!
Frasier: Well, that is just crazy!
Martin: Oh, come on, who else would have the money to do something
like that?
Frasier: I have no idea, we have nothing to do with it. Do you really
think that we would hire someone to spy on Sherry? My God,
I'm insulted!
Niles: As am I!
Martin: Well, all right. Maybe I was jumping to the wrong conclusion.
Frasier: You most certainly have!
Martin: I'm sorry, boys.
Frasier: It's all right, Dad.
Niles: Just forget about it.

Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier rounds on Niles.

Frasier: [whispering furiously] You hired a detective, how could you?!
Niles: I have never been so insul-!
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Okay, I'm sorry. I was just looking out for Dad here.
I mean, what do we really know about this woman?
Frasier: She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.
Niles: Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they
should. Remember Cousin Donald? He was married two years
before he found out his wife used to be a man.
Frasier: Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most
people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have
a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake,
the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!
Niles: I was just simply trying to get some background information.
Frasier: Well, stop it. Call it off right now, Niles.
Niles: Consider it done.
Frasier: All right.
Niles: We gotta run.
Frasier: Yeah. [shouts through] Goodbye.
Martin: [o.s] Bye, boys.
Sherry: [o.s] Have a nice time you two, we'll save you some cake.
Frasier: Thank you. [to Niles] You see that, how sweet she is?
My God, I can't believe you're actually having that woman
investigated. You know, try to have a little trust in people!

Frasier quickly takes one of his precious African art sculptures
from the table and into his jacket for safety before leaving with
Niles.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Café Nervosa.
Roz enters as she meets Frasier. Niles is sat on a front table
discussing matters with a detective.

Roz: You see someone following me?
Frasier: Yes, you can play along now.

A female police officer enters as Roz and Frasier sit. The officer
has a rather large stomach.

Police: Ah, excuse me, ma'am, I saw you cross against the light.
I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
Roz: [winded voice] Oh, well, I'm really sorry about that. It's
just that it's so cold out there and the pollution, I just
didn't want to expose my unborn child to the elements any
longer than I needed to. [Roz stands revealing her bump]
Police: You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself.
Roz: Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't
go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? [pats officer's "bump"]
So, when are you due?
Police: I'm not pregnant!
Roz: [submitting] That's Roz Doyle.
Police: Would you step over here?
Roz: R-O-Z.

Frasier goes to Niles and the detective.

Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Oh, hello, Frasier. May I borrow your pen?
Frasier: Certainly. [hands it over as he shakes the detective's hand]
How do you do?
Niles: [writes check] I appreciate all your hard work and I am
sorry to have to break off the investigation in the middle.
Detective: That's all right, people change their minds all the time.
Niles: I'm sure they do. [hands it over] There you are.
Detective: Thank you.

The detective leaves.

Frasier: There now, don't you feel better?
Niles: I suppose so.
Frasier: You have to admit, I was right on this one. There was
absolutely no justification for giving into your baser
instincts of prying in Sherry's past.

The detective comes back.

Detective: I almost forgot. I wrote up a little report on what
I found out so far. That's one interesting lady.

He hands them a brown envelope and exits.

Niles: Well, I should have just told him to drop that in the trash.
After all, we're concerned with Dad's happiness. Sometimes,
Frasier, you are like the beacon piercing the fog of my baser
instincts. [to waitress] Excuse me, would you just drop that
in the...

Frasier snatches it off of him as she disperses.

Frasier: I see your point. [opens the envelope] I hate myself for
what I'm doing.
Niles: Frasier, we're doing it for Dad's own good.
Frasier: [reads document] Oh, so far, so good: graduated from high
school; almost paid off her Subaru; you know she's been
married.
Niles: Yes, she mentioned that, to Johnny Dempsey.
Frasier: There were two others. Ned Foley, Mark Wallace...
Niles: That's a bit troubling, three previous marriages.
Frasier: ...Vincent Mayhew, Guiltham Mandel, Waltz...
Niles: Just give me the total!
Frasier: Six that we know of. God, you had to go and fire that
detective before he finishes reporting!
Niles: Six? [reads them]
Frasier: Yes, she's obviously incapable of remaining in a relationship.
That doesn't bode well for the marriage, does it?
Niles: And on the other hand, it does bode well for Dad getting a
"yes" when he proposes. He has a right to know about this.
Frasier: But we already told him we weren't involved in the
investigation, we can't just tell him now we were lying!
Niles: Maybe there's some way to impart the information without
explaining how we came by it. You know, just sort of drop
it casually in the conversation.
Frasier: And how would that go? [deadpan:] Oh, Dad, you going to the
Sherry Ex-Husband Convention this year? Besides that, you
know, Dad may know everything already.
Niles: I think we need to find that out. How would we feel if we
let Dad marry this woman, and in a year's time he's tossed
aside like Danny Mitchell.
Frasier: Who's that?
Niles: Page five, engaged but never married.

FADE OUT

End of Act One

Act Two

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne and Niles are sat on the couch whilst Frasier is standing as
Martin walks in wearing his best clothes from his room.

Martin: Hey, boys. [they greet him] Daph', what do you think about
this jacket? I don't know, it just - something doesn't quite
feel right.
Daphne: I think it's nice.
Martin: Really?
Daphne: Yes.

Martin goes to the powder room to smarten himself.

Frasier: You know, Dad, I was talking with a lady today down at the
café and I happened to mention that I'd been married twice
before, and a look clouded over her face as if I'd confessed
to some unspeakable sin!
Niles: Makes you wonder what people go through who've been married
even more times than that. Quite a taboo they face.
Daphne: Oh, I don't know, some...

The boys quiet her, the she looks confused.

Frasier: You know, Dad, I think it harkens back to the puritanical
streak that still runs through this country. What do you
think?
Martin: [enters] There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this
family. Maybe, it's the shirt, do you like this shirt?
Daphne: Yes, it's nice.
Frasier: That'd make a good topic to discuss on my show. Niles, you
know the hurdles that are faced by people with multiple
marriages.
Niles: Of course, the hard part would be rounding up enough people
who've been married a significant number of times. Do you
know anyone?
Frasier: No, I don't.
Daphne: You know, Mrs. Krabs upstairs-
Frasier: How about you, Dad?
Martin: Oh, yeah, sure, I know some people.
Frasier: Really? You do.
Martin: Well, I think.
Niles: You think.
Martin: Well, maybe I do, maybe I don't, who cares? I hate this
shirt, I better go change this shirt!

Martin exits.

Frasier: Well, that was fruitless!
Daphne: I'll tell you one thing I'm sure of.

Daphne stares into space as Frasier and Niles look at her
inquisitively.

Frasier: Yes?!
Daphne: Oh, I'm allowed to talk now, am I? [pause] I've never seen
your father so nervous. He's meeting Sherry at McGinty's,
I bet he's planning to pop the question.
Niles: Well, that's it Frasier, we're just going to tell him what
we found out.
Frasier: Yes, but we still don't know what he knows.
Niles: Don't you think if she had told him she had been married six
times, then he would remember?
Daphne: Who, Sherry?

They nod as Martin enters in the same shirt but a different jacket.

Martin: You know, maybe this shirt isn't so bad. Especially with
this new jacket. What do you think of this new jacket?
Daphne: I think it's nice. Sherry's been married six times?
Martin: Who told you that?
Daphne: [realizing her mistake] They did. [points to brothers]

Niles and Frasier look guilty.

Martin: What's this all about?
Frasier: You know, Dad, I'd love to see that first shirt with the
second jacket.
Martin: Oh, come on. You got this from the investigator - you did
hire him, didn't you?

Niles looks shocked as Frasier decides to confess.

Frasier: All right, I guess there's no use denying it. Yes, yes,
we did hire him. Although the word "we" is not entirely
accurate.
Niles: Frasier, I am shocked...
Frasier: Oh, shut up, Niles! Look, Dad, we were just concerned about
you. We know about the engagement ring.
Martin: My ring? Which one of you went through my drawers?
Frasier: Right now, pointing fingers is not going to do us any good.
Martin: What the hell is the matter with you two?
Frasier: She did it! [points to Daphne]
Martin: Well, it's nice to know there isn't a single person in this
house I can trust. Sherry told me about her marriages the
first week of our dating! I didn't tell you because it's
none of your damn business, just like it's none of your damn
business who I marry or who I don't marry! I don't know why
I'm even wasting my time talking to you!

Martin exits.

Daphne: Do you see what I get for confiding in you two blabbermouths!
The next time I find something interesting in your father's
underwear drawer, I'm just gonna sit on it!

Daphne exits to Martin's room as the boys give each other a look.

Niles: Well, this evening is an entire disaster. I'm already late
for dinner with Maris. I just don't know how this could have
happened. [goes to door but doesn't open it]
Frasier: Yes, who'd have guessed that something so innocent as spying
on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer can
turn so ugly!
Niles: Well, there is one consolation. We told Dad the truth and
we were able to bear his anger. That's the nice thing about
our relationship, we're all adults. We can talk things
through, we're not afraid of confrontation...
Frasier: Stop stalling, Niles! Dad must be on the elevator by now!

Niles checks through the spy-hole, nods in confirmation and exits as
Daphne enters.

Daphne: Look what I found in your father's jacket.
Frasier: I do not want to know about it.
Daphne: He forgot the ring! This is going to be embarrassing for him.
I suppose I could take it down to him.
Frasier: [takes ring] No, no, Daphne. I should do that. It will give
me an excellent opportunity to show him just how happy I am
that he's marrying Sherry.
Daphne: That would be very nice.
Frasier: Yes. I just can't figure out why he would propose in a place
like McGinty's! It seems like such a shabby setting. [looks
at ring] Well, I guess he was just trying to match the ring.

Frasier exits.

FADE OUT

GIVE ME A RING SOMETIME


Scene Two - McGinty's.
Sherry and Martin are sat on the front table chatting.

Sherry: So I told her that you and I would take a trip up there this
spring. [Martin is quiet] Well, you like my sister, right?
Martin: Yeah, sure.
Sherry: Oh, now, come on, Mart'. You can't hold one little
embarrassing moment against her. She didn't know you were in
there!
Martin: No, no, I don't. I like your sister.
Sherry: Well, then what is wrong with you? You're being so quiet.
Martin: I got something on my mind.
Sherry: Well, what is it?
Martin: I've been thinking a lot about us and... where do you see us
going?
Sherry: Gee, I don't know. I mean, I'm having fun the way things are.
You have your life, I have mine. No pressure.
Martin: That's what I thought you'd say.
Sherry: There's nothing wrong with us just having fun.
Martin: No. It's just that we've been just having fun for a long time
now. Let me ask you something, where do you see us in a year?
Five years?
Sherry: Oh, gee, I don't know, I try not to look too far ahead.
Martin: Well, I guess that's the difference between us. Because I
can't stop thinking that far ahead. You know, I've come to
realize, Sherry, that I want to get married again. And you
know it's not anything you're interested in.
Sherry: Well, can you blame me? I mean, Marty you know my track
record, I've been down that road a lot of times! I mean,
I've learned the hard way, I'm not looking for forever.
Martin: I am.
Sherry: So... so you're breaking up with me?
Martin: We're just looking for different things, Sherry. I'm sorry.

Sherry and Martin try to hold back their emotions.

Martin: It's hot in here.
Sherry: Yeah.

Martin takes out a handkerchief and brings it to his forehead, but
he drops it on the floor. Martin goes down to the floor to pick it
up. Frasier sees him from the door and it looks like he is getting
down on bended knee to propose. Frasier runs in.

Frasier: Dad, Dad!
Martin: What?
Frasier: I'm glad I've seen you.
Martin: Get out of here. [sits]
Frasier: Dad, Dad, I've got something that I think you might like to
have before you tell Sherry whatever it is you want to tell
her.
Sherry: Oh, he's already told me.
Frasier: He has? Well, that is just wonderful and may I say, it's
about time! I couldn't be happier for you.
Sherry: That's nice to know.
Martin: Frasier!
Frasier: I'd like you to know that everybody is one hundred percent
behind this decision - my God, we're all so excited.
Martin: FRASIER!
Sherry: Well, I'm so glad that you're so happy your father's
breaking up with me.
Frasier: [realizes] Breaking up? [pause] I had no idea.
Sherry: And you get paid to help people through their difficult
moments?

Frasier exits in embarrassment.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - McGinty's.
Time has lapsed. Sherry and Martin are at the door bidding their
farewells.

Martin: It isn't easy to say goodbye, is it?
Sherry: No. It doesn't get any easier either, I should know. Listen,
Marty, this is usually the time people say, "Well, let's be
friends" and then, oh, there's a phone call or two but they
never see each other again and, well, I just want you to know
I am around for you if you ever get lonely or you just need
to talk.
Martin: Thanks. [they hug]
Sherry: Oh, and when you call, if a man answers - hang up.

Martin laughs with her as she leaves. Martin goes to the bar and
stares up at the game on the television whilst contemplating life
without Sherry. Frasier enters and sits with him.

Frasier: Hi, Dad. The only reason I came down here was to bring you
this. [hands over ring] Obviously I made another colossal
blunder in a week full of them. I'm really sorry, Dad.
[Martin is silent] I guess you don't really feel like talking.
Martin: You know, Frasier, sometimes I just feel like sitting here
and watching the game, all right?
Frasier: Fine, I can do that.
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Sure. [looks up] So the, er, Sonics and the, er, Bulls. That
Jordan, he's really something, huh? Yeah. The way he scores
those points and gets the ball back when the other team
misses... Wow! That's incredible. He made the same
impossible sh*t twice in a row!
Martin: It's the instant replay. [pause, looks at ring] You know,
I was carrying this thing around for a month.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah, but at the end of every night I just couldn't pop
the question, and then I realized I knew what the answer
would be. She didn't want to get married again.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Dad.
Martin: Oh, it's all right. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out between
us anyway. Your mom's a hard act to follow! I never went
through anything like this with her. We knew we were meant to
be together and that was that.
Frasier: It's hard to find that out, Dad. I've been trying for a
while.
Martin: [pats him on the shoulder] You'll get there. I hope we both
do.
Frasier: Well, Dad, in time.

The father and son look up at the television together.

Frasier: Well, that was quite a sh*t!
Martin: Patton's been pretty hot lately.
Frasier: What's the score here, anyway?
Martin: Sonics are only down by five, they've still got a chance if
they can hold Jordan.
Frasier: [to waiter] Can I have a beer here, please?
Martin: [to waiter] Yeah, make that two.

Frasier looks at his father in mutual respect.

End of Act Two

Credits:

Frasier's Apartment. Eddie is sat on a chair barking at something
on the table. The camera pulls back to reveal it is a little fish
ornament that seems to be staring right at him.