06x13 - The Show Where Woody Shows Up

[bunniefuu]

Act One
Scene One - KACL, Frasier's show.
Audrey has called in.

Audrey: [v.o.] So, Dr Crane, I don't see why I should fix the dumb
dress when my sister can't even fit into it anymore.
Frasier: Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it. As an old Greek
haberdasher once said: "Euripedes, Eumenides." [laughs]
Audrey: What?
Frasier: It's just a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripedes and
the mythological Furies.
Audrey: Huh?
Frasier: Just fix the dress. [line off] We'll be back after the weather.

He goes off the air. Roz comes in, Frasier fishes out a gift box.

Frasier: Uh Roz, Noel gave me this to give to you.
Roz: [taking gift] Oh God, Noel. He's been acting so weird lately.
Frasier: Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to
stay at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?
Roz: No, I bumped into him at Nervosa about a month ago, there were
no other free tables so we sat together and ever since then
he's been acting like we're some kind of a couple.
Frasier: Oh come on, Roz. I'm sure he knows that you're not interested
in him.
Roz: [showing Frasier the gift tag] "Happy Monthaversary."
Frasier: Oh, Lord. [Roz goes back to her booth] We're on. [on air]
And we're back, let's get straight to the phones. I'm
listening.
Woody: [v.o.] Dr Crane? It's Woody. I'm in Seattle and I'm a little
lost.
Frasier: Well Woody, in today's fast-paced, high-pressure society
that's not uncommon. Just why exactly do you feel lost?
Woody: Well, I've been driving around for about an hour, I can't
seem to get out of the airport.
Frasier: [the penny drops] Oh, Woody Woody. Oh well, listeners, this
is an old friend of mine from back in Boston. Well, how you
doin' there, you old cowpoke?
Woody: I was doing okay, but all this talk about today's fast-paced,
high-pressure world's starting to get me down.
Frasier: Yes, well I have just the cure for that. How about dinner?
Woody: Sounds great. I'm in town all week.
Frasier: And I'm free all week. How's tonight?
Woody: That'd be great. So I hear you're on the radio?
Frasier: Yes I am, Woody. And so are you.
Woody: No, no, no. I'm still tending bar at Cheers. How do these
rumors get started?
Frasier: Believe it or not, listeners, Woody and I are picking up right
where we left off.

While Frasier gets on with the show, Noel Shempsky comes into Roz's
booth.

Noel: Knock knock?
Roz: Noel...
Noel: Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before, set your phasers on
stunning.
Roz: Listen, I need to talk to you. I can not accept anniversary
gifts.
Noel: Oh, I know that. I was just making a little joke. I know
we're just friends. I saw this and it made me think of you.
Roz: Okay. Thanks.
Noel: [as he leaves] Oh, if you're not going to open it for a while,
you might want to move the the ribbon. It's blocking the air
holes.

Roz very quickly puts the box down.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is at the table looking at Eddie, who is sitting on The Chair
with his head resting on the side table. Daphne enters from the
kitchen.

Daphne: Here. I made you some lamb stew.
Martin: I'm telling you, there's something weird about Eddie.
Daphne: Oh, for the love of God, not this again.
Martin: You never should have taken him to those dog groomers.
Daphne: I had to bring him. His toenails were like Howard Hughes's
and his breath smelled like an autopsy.
Martin: Well, look at him. They did something to him. The sparkle's
gone from his eyes.
Daphne: Yes, and so are those gooey green bits.

Frasier enters from the bedroom as the front door bing-bongs.
He's dressed in sweatshirt and jeans.

Frasier: Oh. That's probably Woody. I'll get it. [opens door]
Oh, Niles.
Niles: [entering] Hello, Frasier. I know this is impromptu, but
I'm going to an oboe recital and I thought you might want
to join me.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Niles. An old friend of mine came in from
out of town, I invited him to come over this evening.
Niles: Well, have him join us. I'm sure we can get three seats
together.
Frasier: Ah well, I'm not sure an oboe recital's what I had in mind,
I was thinking of something a little more raucous.
Niles: Well, if it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and
get a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel -
It's Jerome Kern night! Last time people were shouting out
requests without raising their hands!
Frasier: No, I'm afraid we'll have to pass. You see, my friend Woody
is an old bar chum from back at Cheers. [the doorbell bing
bongs. Frasier goes to answer it] What I had in mind was
really more of a beer-swillin', back-slappin' kind of night,
if you know what I mean? You're certainly welcome to join
us if you like.
Niles: It sounds interesting.
Frasier: All right. [opens door to - ] Woody?
Woody: Hey, Dr Crane! [they hug]
Frasier: Good to see ya.
Woody: You look great.
Frasier: Well thank you, thanks. You too.
Woody: Aah, this place is awesome.
Frasier: Thank you.
Woody: [indicating Daphne, Martin and Niles] I'm not surprised you
need all these roommates to help you pay for it.
Frasier: Er, they're not really roommates, Woody. They're... they're
more like boarders actually. That's my father, Martin.
Woody: Well, hi. I remember hearing about you, you were a policeman,
right?
Martin: That's right.
Frasier: And that's my brother right there, Niles. He's a psychiatrist
too.
Niles: Hello.
Woody: Oh, wow!
Frasier: And this is Daphne Moon, my father's home health-care worker.
Daphne: It's nice to meet you.
Woody: Oh hi. I like your accent. Aah, you're from England, right?
Daphne: Manchester.
Woody: Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that. [Eddie bounces in]
Oh hey, who's this little guy?
Martin: I'm not sure I even know anymore.
Woody: [to Frasier, confidentially] My dad's getting the same way.
Frasier: So Woody, can I get you a beer?
Woody: That's funny, huh? Y'know, all those years I was waiting on
you, and now you're getting me a beer.
Frasier: Yes well, life's like that sometimes, isn't it? Daphne, get
us a couple of beers, will ya? [Daphne goes to kitchen, not
happily] So, what brings you to Seattle?
Woody: My cousin's getting married.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Which is your cousin, the bride or the groom?
Woody: Actually, both are.
Niles: I assume they're kissing cousins?
Woody: Ho, they're doing a lot more than that! That's why they have
to get married.
Frasier: So, is Kelly with you?
Woody: No no, she's visiting her mom with the kids, but she sends
her love.
Frasier: And how's the old g*ng?
Woody: Oh well, they haven't changed much. Sam's doing great,
Carla's terrific... oh, y'know, we almost had a wedding. Mr.
Clavin got himself one of those Eastern European mail-order
brides, but ah, they lived together for a couple of days,
and decided to call it off.
Frasier: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry for Cliff.
Woody: Yeah. She said she was homesick. That Bosnia must be a
beautiful place.

[N.B. Woody Harrelson appeared in the film, "Welcome to Sarajevo."]

Daphne comes back with a tray of beers.

Daphne: Here we are.
Frasier: Oh thank you, Daphne.
Daphne: That's one for you, one for you, and [opens can and heads
towards Martin. Sits down] one for me.
Frasier: Well Woody, I thought tonight we would just maybe stay in,
y'know, order some pizza?
Woody: Sounds good by me.
Frasier: Okay, great. I'll just call the place around the corner.
Niles you uh, gonna join us?
Niles: Well, why not? It'll be fun to drink some beer and have some
pizza with a couple of rapscallions.
Woody: Oh hey, if you don't mind, could we make that half
rapscallions, half pepperoni?

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment, later that night.
Frasier and Woody are reminiscing, moderately drunk, and can barely
speak for laughing.

Woody: That wasn't the best prank we played. You remember that time
with Mr. Clavin?
Frasier: Oh yes. And the ferret! [more laughter; Daphne and Martin
look on, obviously not understanding.]
Woody: [explaining] He was about to go on his round and we shoved
an angry ferret into his mailbag.
Niles: Oh, my. Exactly, ahh, how do you make a ferret angry?
Woody: Well, for starters, you shove him into a mailbag.
Frasier: God, that was funny. Do you remember the expression on his
face?
Woody: Y'know, I never saw his face. I was too busy looking at Mr.
Clavin.
Frasier: Woody, let me get you another cold one.
Woody: Oh, thanks.
Frasier: My god. I tell ya, this has just been the best evening. My
God, it's like re-living all my old days at Cheers, only
without Lilith. Boy, that's a trip to Bountiful, let me
tell ya. [goes into kitchen]
Martin: [quietly, to Daphne] These guys are really getting through
the beers, aren't they?
Daphne: Oh, yes. If this keeps up, you may have to fish out that
emergency can you keep in the toilet t*nk.

Frasier comes back with more cans.

Frasier: There you are, Woods.
Woody: Well, y'know what, on second thought I think I'm gonna pass.
I'm feeling a little bit jet-lagged.
Frasier: Well, all right, you want to call it a night?
Woody: You know, I probably should. But this was so much fun. I'd
really like to do it again.
Frasier: Well, all right, how about lunch tomorrow?
Woody: Oh yeah, that sounds great.
Frasier: Okay.
Woody: Hey, goodbye y'all, nice to meet you.
Martin: Oh hey, you too. Come back.
Frasier: You know what, Woody? There's a new gourmet Mexican
restaurant over near your hotel I'd love to try. It's
called "Dos Burros." It sounds muy delicioso.
Woody: I didn't know you speak Spanish?
Frasier: Ohh, it's nothing.
Woody: I know ahh, "dos" means two, what does "burro" mean?
Frasier: Same as in English, Jackass.
Woody: [leaves] Sorry, just asking.

FADE TO:

THE LONG GOODBYE


Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment, next day.
He and Woody are back from lunch.

Martin: Hey guys, how was lunch?
Woody: Oh, great. We told one old story, we told a hundred.
[to Eddie] Hey, how you doin', little guy?
Martin: His name's Eddie.
Woody: Hey, good for you, Mr Crane. [to Frasier, confidentially] They
have good days, and they have bad days.
Frasier: Woody, here's that Seattle guidebook I was telling you about,
right here.
Woody: Oh, thanks.
Frasier: Take a loan of that, huh?
Woody: [looking at picture in book] Wow, look at that view, you can
see the whole city.
Frasier: Woody, turn around, it's even better.

Woody turns to face the window, but is still looking at the book.

Woody: Gosh. You're right, this is better.
Frasier: No, no Woody, look up.
Woody: [finally seeing the panorama outside the window] OHH.
[indicating balcony] You mind if I go out there?
Frasier: No, no. You go ahead.
Woody: Remember the time we went out on the balcony of Melville's and
threw pudding?
Frasier: [laughing] I don't think I laughed harder in my entire life!

Woody goes onto the balcony. Frasier goes into the kitchen.
The laughter stops.

Frasier: Put a b*llet in my head.
Martin: What's going on?
Frasier: My God. I have absolutely nothing in common with this man,
except things that happened ten years ago.
Martin: But I thought you had a fun time last night.
Frasier: Oh well, yes. We had exactly the same time this afternoon,
it wasn't nearly as fun. The same stories, and variations
thereof, being forced to laugh over and over. I swear, if
I never get another shoulder noogie I will die a happy man.
Martin: Oh, don't feel bad. You've been a good friend and you've
shown him a nice time, and now all that's left is for you to
go in there and tell him goodbye.
Frasier: Yes, I guess when all this is over I'll have learned a
valuable lesson. Sometimes you can have too much of a good
thing. You have to know when to say "When." The past is
just that, the past. You can never go home again. Less is
more.
Martin: Wish you had started with that last one.
Frasier: [goes into lounge area, where Woody is sitting] Well, Woods?
It's been great seeing you.
Woody: Oh yeah, hey.
Frasier: C'mon, gimme a good hug, ah? [they hug] Now you gotta promise
me you're gonna give my love to everybody back at the bar.
Woody: Oh, I will.
Frasier: Oh, and give that beautiful wife of yours and those two kids a
kiss from Uncle Frasier.
Woody: You got it.
Frasier: Now don't be a stranger, okay?
Woody: No, I won't, I won't. [they hug again] So, [sitting down] where
are we going for dinner tonight?

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene Five – Café Nervosa.
Frasier enters and meets Niles.

Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Odd to see you without Woody in tow. He off
teasing ferrets?
Frasier: Niles, listen, uh, I've been having such a great time with
Woody, I was wondering, y'know, maybe tonight you'd like to
join us? We've planned to go out...
Niles: [interrupting] You can save it. Dad brought me up to speed
with your reunion of the damned.
Frasier: Oh, God.
Niles: I would love to help, I'm sorry, you're on your own.
Frasier: No, no, no, please, Niles, really, I'm desperate. Do you
have any idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the
same old stories over and over again?
Niles: And you call yourself a psychiatrist? You wouldn't last a
week in private practice.
Frasier: Ooh.
Niles: Speaking of which, my six o'clock is waiting.
Waiter: [handing Niles a coffee carton] Triple espresso to go.
Niles: Thank you. [leaves]
Frasier: Niles? Please? Please, I need you. It's going to be an
excruciating journey into... Ohh... [notices Roz is standing
beside him] Roz! Hey, you know what, are you up for a night
on the town?
Roz: This wouldn't be the invitation that Niles just blew off,
would it?
Frasier: Oh, all right! Here, please. [they sit] My old friend Woody
is dragging me out again tonight. I could really use a
buffer.
He's taking me to some God-awful karaoke bar.
Roz: Are you gonna sing?
Frasier: No!
Roz: Okay, I'll go.
Frasier: Really, you will?
Roz: I had a babysitter tonight, my plans fell through, karaoke
might be fun.

Gil Chesterton walks into the cafe, just in time to hear the word-

Gil: Karaoke? Tonight? Oh, I'd love to.
Frasier: Well Gil, I'm not sure you'd enjoy this.
Gil: Oh nonsense. If we're going to the one on Pike, I keep a
locker there where I store my own microphone and show jackets.

[N.B. Notice Edward Hibbert's tan; he has just returned from sh**ting
the pilot for the short-lived remake of "Fantasy Island."]

Noel enters.

Noel: Hey, guys. Hi, Roz.
Frasier: Hi, Noel.
Noel: [to Roz] I see you're at... our table.
Gil: "Our table"? Ooh, is there an office romance brewing?
Roz: No, Gil. We're just friends, right Noel?
Noel: [fingers crossed] So far.
Gil: [to Noel] Well, who knows what the night has in store?
We're all going for karaoke. Why don't you join us?
Noel: Count me in.
Roz: [panicking] Is that my beeper?
Frasier: [knowing she's about to bail on him] I didn't hear anything.
Roz: Oh my God!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: It's the babysitter, she only calls in an emergency. I have
to go, bye! [she exits, quickly] TAXI!!
Frasier: Roz, wait!
Noel: Roz, wait!
Gil: Well, looks as it's just us boys.

Frasier tries to smile through the tears.

FADE TO:

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 3012.4

MR. SPOCK INFORMS ME THERE IS
NO KLINGON WORD FOR "FEEL"


Scene Six - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne, Martin and Niles have just finished watching a movie.
Music is playing over the credits.

Daphne: Oh, that was beautiful.
Martin: Yeah. You know Niles, that was the first movie I ever took
your mother to see. I deliberately picked a tear jerker so
I'd be there to comfort her. At the first sniffle, I was on
her like an octopus.
Daphne: You men. You always find a way to make us more vulnerable to
your clumsy advances. Ooh, that wine went straight to my
head.
Niles: [refilling her glass] Let's k*ll off the bottle, shall we?
[he keeps on pouring until it's full to the brim]

Frasier enters, or rather, stumbles in.

Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Turn off the music.
Martin: Oh. Well, we were just...
Frasier: Dad. I never want to hear music again.

Martin turns the TV off.

Niles: Oh. I take it you had a whizz-bang time at the karaoke bar?
Frasier: For starters, Woody sang "What Kind Of Fool Am I?" Quickly
turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and
Noel did a charming duet with "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do
Better." They were both wrong. I guess the highlight of
the evening was when Gil, after one too many Que Royales,
performed a haunting rendition of "I Feel Pretty," during
the latter verses of which Noel joined him on the apron of
the stage and translated... into Klingon. [he buries his head
in his hands] Well, I think I'm just gonna go off to bed so
I can get up bright and early for my harbour cruise with Woody
tomorrow.
Martin: What?! You're seeing him again? Why don't you tell the guy
you're busy for once?
Frasier: Dad, he knows that I'm not. Besides, I'd hate to hurt his
feelings, I'd hate to have him think I've outgrown him.
Niles: But you have.
Frasier: Well, that's the problem. I've moved on to bigger and better
things in my life, he's still pouring drinks back in the same
bar he's been at for the last fifteen years. Don't you think
that's kinda sad?
Martin: If I were you I'd just lie to him. Tell him you have to work,
or you met a pretty girl.

Daphne, having almost worked her way through her full glass of wine,
suddenly bursts into song.

Daphne: Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?
What mirror, where?
Who could that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
Who?
Martin: Daphne?
Daphne: Who?
Martin: Daphne?
Daphne: Wh..
Frasier: DAPHNE!!!
Martin: Bedtime.
Daphne: I used to be with a light opera works.
Frasier: Yes, fine, and I used to be a fan dancer! Get out. Go to bed!

Daphne leaves.

[N.B. Daphne's song is from "West Side Story."]

Niles: She uh, seems a little wobbly, [moves to follow her] perhaps
I should...
Frasier: Niles.

The doorbell bing-bongs. Niles looks through the peephole.

Niles: Ooh, surprise, guess who?
Frasier: Dear God! I just left him. What moonlit berry-picking
expedition does he have planned for me now?
Niles: [worried that Woody might hear him] Shhh.
Frasier: I can't take this anymore. All right, all right fine. I'm
just going to have to lie to him. [opens door] Woody!
Woody: Hey, Dr Crane. Hey, everybody. Listen, I... when I
got back to my hotel I called Kelly to say goodnight, and
uh... it turns out our little girl has an ear infection,
so I'm taking the Redeye right now and my cab is waiting
for me downstairs.
Frasier: [concerned] Oh well, Woody. I guess this means goodbye, then.
Woody: Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Frasier: All right then, give me a hug. You remember to give my love
to the folks back at Cheers.
Woody: Oh, will do.
Frasier: Okay. I hope that little girl of yours gets better real soon.
Woody: Thank you. It was great spending time with you.
Frasier: Well, it was great seeing you too, Woody.
Woody: Yeah.
Frasier: It's a shame we have to cut it short.
Woody: It sure is. Well, goodbye. [leaves as the others say farewell]
Frasier: Goodbye, Wood. [closes door] God bless the virus that invaded
that little girl's ear canal.
Niles: Congratulations. I'll be off.
Frasier: Oh no. Niles, I'll tell you what, to celebrate my newfound
freedom, why don't we go over to that little cantina I
mentioned to you earlier, and I'll buy you a late supper?
We'll have a margarita.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: And after that, we'll go by that pricey new cigar club, it's
my treat.
Niles: Well hey, big spender.
Frasier: [cringing] Ohh...
Niles: Is everything all right?
Frasier: The last time I heard that phrase, Gil was belting it out
while sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman. Let's
get that margarita. [they leave]

FADE TO:

Scene Seven - Dos Burros, a Mexican restaurant.
Frasier and Niles have just been seated. The waiter gives them their menus.

Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: I think you'll like this place.
Niles: Well, I do already. N.M.B.
Frasier: N.M.B?
Niles: No Mariachi Band.
Frasier: [seeing a certain someone seated at the bar] Oh dear God.
Quick, hide your face with your menu. Woody's over there.
If he sees us he'll know I lied.
Niles: When did you lie?
Frasier: I told him I was going out of town.
Niles: No, you didn't. He told you he was going out of town.
Frasier: That's right. He lied. He should be hiding. [calls] Woody?
Woody?

Woody picks up a menu to hide behind, and furtively walks into the restroom.

Frasier: For God's sake. Stay here. [he goes over to the restroom
door only to find it locked] Woody. Come out of there,
please.
Woody: [from behind the door] No hablo ingles.
Frasier: I don't understand this.
Woody: It means I don't speak English.
Frasier: Will you just come out here? [Woody comes out] Woody? What
is going on?
Woody: I can't even look at you. I'm so ashamed. I... I lied to
you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why did you do that?
Woody: Well, I guess I didn't want you to know it was me in the
bathroom.
Frasier: No, Woody. Earlier this evening you told me you were going
back to Boston.
Woody: Oh, well. I feel terrible saying this but, I just couldn't
face another day of us hanging out together.
Frasier: What, you weren't enjoying our time together?
Woody: No, I... I had a great time that first night, but after that,
I don't know, you were still having a good time, but ahhh,
it was less and less fun for me.
Frasier: [laughing] This is too funny.
Woody: See, you're still having a good time and I'm miserable.
Frasier: Why didn't you say something?
Woody: Well, I don't know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
To tell you the truth, I felt kinda bad for ya.
Frasier: You felt bad for me?
Woody: Well no offense, but look at your life. You live with your
dad, you hang out with your brother, you have no plans. And
let's face it, those karaoke friends of yours, I wouldn't
want to be stranded on a desert island with them. Well,
maybe that English guy, he's a good entertainer.
Frasier: Really Woody, there's nothing to worry about. I know my life
may seem rather dreary to you but ah, it's really quite
enjoyable. In fact, it's even a lot of fun. I love my life
now, honestly. You know what, I wouldn't trade my years at
Cheers for anything, but I am very happy with my life the
way it is today.
Woody: [incredulous] You mean it?
Frasier: Yes. That's what makes this conversation so ironic. You see,
you see my life as some sort of middle-aged compromise and,
well just the other day I was thinking about your life. And
all I could think was...
Woody: What?

Frasier pauses, knowing that telling Woody exactly what he thinks
won't help anyone. He then realizes another truth.

Frasier: How lucky you are. You see, you've found where you belong
and you've made your home there. I guess for some of us it
just takes longer than others.
Woody: [relaxing] I just stopped in for a beer...
Frasier: Well, you know what, Niles will be on the phone for a couple
of more minutes, why don't we have one last drink together,
huh?
Woody: That'd be nice.
Frasier: Okay. Barkeep, a couple of beers here, please?
Woody: You know, I meant what I said. I had a great time hanging out
with you. That first night.
Frasier: Yeah.
Woody: Maybe we could do it again, in five or ten years.
Frasier: Absolutely. Ten years it is.

Woody clinks his mug against Frasier's.

Woody: Cheers.
Frasier: Cheers.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Gil and Noel are on stage, going through their "Anything You Can Do"
routine.