06x24 - Shut Out In Seattle [2]

[bunniefuu]

ACT THREE

Scene One - The Radio Station
Frasier is on the phone as Roz comes in with a clipboard.

Frasier: Niles, pick up, will you? It's Frasier. [b*at] All right,
fine. Call me later. [hanging up, to Roz] I don't even know
why I bother anymore. He doesn't pick up phones these days,
just waitresses.
Roz: Give him a break, he's just having fun.
Frasier: That's exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's
willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.
Roz: That is not funny! It was one night, and I would appreciate
it if you would just let it drop.
Frasier: You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. Tell you
what, let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theater
ticket tonight. Faye's busy, why don't you join me?
Roz: No, thanks.
Frasier: No, please, Roz. It's a delightful little show. I'll even
throw in dinner.
Roz: Busy.
Frasier: Really. A date?
Roz: [exploding] I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop?!
I've got to account for every waking minute?! My private
life is my own business!
Frasier: [realizing] Bulldog!
Roz: [bursting into tears] I don't know what's wrong with me!
I'm weak. I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes you can, Roz.
Roz: Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really
good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you?
Roz: You'd think.

Bulldog comes in nonchalantly. Roz pretends nothing's going on.

Bulldog: Hey, Doc.
Frasier: Bulldog.
Bulldog: Oh, Roz, you still going to help me, uh, write those... promos
for my show tonight? Around 10:00?
Roz: It's okay, Bulldog, he knows.
Frasier: Yes. But high marks on that cryptic cover story.
Bulldog: [drums his fists on Frasier's chest, then] I've gotta make
a call. Station manager's been calling me all day. [to Roz]
Oh, I made us a reservation. Thought maybe we could get a
little dinner first.
Roz: You mean... eat together?
Bulldog: Yeah. I'll be right back.

He kisses her and exits to the control booth. Roz is stunned.

Frasier: Oh, that's beautiful, Roz.
Roz: Oh God, this ruins everything!
Frasier: What?
Roz: Well, didn't you hear what he said? He wants to buy me
dinner. Do you realize what this means?
Frasier: They finally opened that new Hooters out by the airport?
Roz: No. He's crossed the line. He actually thinks we're dating!
Frasier: Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things
like dating?
Roz: [shaken] Look, that is it. I'm going to put an end to this
before it goes too far.

Bulldog comes back into the studio, a bemused expression on his face.

Bulldog: I don't believe it. They just fired me.

Frasier and Roz are shocked. Bulldog tries to brazen it out,
but he's very upset.

Frasier: What?
Bulldog: Yeah. They said my ratings are low, the show's losing
its edge, I'm getting soft. My last day's Friday.
Frasier: [concerned] Oh, Bulldog, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
Bulldog: No, I'm not. [slamming the counter weakly] This stinks.
This is total B.S. [breaking into tears] You don't think
I'm getting soft, do you?
Frasier: No, no, not at all. [handing him a tissue] Here.
Bulldog: [blowing his nose] I just thank God I got a girlfriend
like you, Roz. I don't think I can face this alone.

He walks over to her and hangs his head, expecting to be comforted.
Roz sh**t Frasier a panicked look, but Frasier nods at her to comfort
him. Bulldog forces the issue by enfolding her in a big hug, which she
barely tolerates.

Roz: [lightly patting his back] There, there.

Frasier grabs Roz's hands and places them around Bulldog's back in a
comforting hug as he slips out the door.

FADE OUT

MOON AROUND THE RING


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment - Morning
Frasier enters in his dressing gown with his hands behind his back
as Martin reads the paper at the table.

Frasier: Daphne! Morning, Dad.
Martin: Hey.

Daphne comes in from the kitchen, her left hand buried in a bag of
cheese doodles.

Daphne: Yes?
Frasier: Daphne, please. Donny's not here. Will you just take
your hand out of the bag?

She does, looking sheepish.

Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge
of the tub and landed... [holds up her ring] on this.
Daphne: Oh my God, you found my ring! [hugging him] I'd given up,
I thought it was someplace I'd never find it!
Frasier: It very nearly was. [Martin guffaws]
Daphne: Come on, let me have it.
Frasier: [indicating her messy hand] No, no, no, you go rinse off
this doodle dust first.
Daphne: Oh, right, yes.

She runs into the kitchen.

Martin: Well, you sure saved Daphne there.
Frasier: Yes, and I also did myself a little favor as well. Can you
imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she
found this engagement ring in my room?

Faye comes in from the bedroom and overhears him.

Faye: Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea!
Frasier: Well, actually, uh...
Faye: [grabbing the ring] It's beautiful! It's so beautiful!
Yes, Frasier, I do! I do!

She gives him a big kiss. He gropes for words to explain. She looks
at him knowingly.

Faye: Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring.

She hits him playfully as Martin laughs.

Faye: And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of
sweat on your forehead.

She goes into the kitchen.

Frasier: [calling after her] Well, they're love beads, honey!
[to Martin] Oh God, will you take this thing?
Martin: [taking the ring] Well, I don't want it! What if Bonnie
sees me with it?

Bonnie comes in from the bedroom.

Bonnie: Sees you with what?
Martin: [flustered] Daphne, will you come in here and take this damn
ring, please?
Daphne: [o.s.] Coming!
Martin: [seating Bonnie] Sit down and have a little coffee.

Daphne and Faye return from the kitchen as Donny emerges from
Daphne's room in robe and slippers.

Donny: Good morning, everybody! Another full house, I see.
Frasier: Yes, and that robe is available for purchase in the gift shop.
Donny: Hi. [kissing Daphne and noticing her hand] Oh, you found
your ring!
Daphne: What? You knew it was gone?
Donny: Well, Daphne, when your fiancée gives you a hug with a chicken
on her hand, then bells go off.
Daphne: I'm sorry-
Donny: Oh, that's okay, honey. [kisses her] You know, I didn't want
to say anything because I knew it would turn up sooner or
later, and I didn't want to make you feel worse.
Frasier: As long as we're tying up loose ends here, I was just
wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my
Jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle –
which was b*rned down to the wick?
Daphne: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.

She exits to her bedroom as Frasier nods wryly.

Donny: I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got
into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. But don't
worry, we'll replace the candle.
Frasier: If only you could replace the image. Next time, if you don't
mind, will you just turn down the temperature a little?
Donny: Actually, we tried, but the knob was stuck.
Bonnie: Yeah, it does that. You gotta jiggle it a little.

Frasier is shocked that Bonnie and Martin have been using his tub too.
The doorbell rings and Martin gets up to answer it.

Martin: Don't worry, it's not what you think! We use it to give Eddie
a bath.

This doesn't make Frasier feel any better. Donny exits to Daphne's
bedroom.

Martin opens the door to find Kit with Niles. They are dressed in
matching black leather jackets for club-hopping, Niles wearing a
black t-shirt and pegged pants and looking bleary-eyed but happy -
and VERY relaxed. Frasier is exasperated at Niles's attempt to
recapture his youth.

Martin: Oh, hi, guys!
Kit: Good morning!
Frasier: Well, you're up early.
Niles: You mean still up. We never went to bed.
Kit: We'll get there!

Niles gloats as Kit grabs at him lustily.

Martin: What did you do all night?
Niles: Oh, what didn't we do? We started off at a concert, wonderful
group called Uncle Dirtnap. Then we danced the night away at
every club in the U district before finding ourselves at an
after-party at Kit's friend Massimo's place. He's a squatter.
Anyway, I wanted to give Kit the keys to my building and I
remembered I have a spare set here, so I thought we'd pop by.
Frasier: Oh, well then, let me get them for you. I can offer you
a pastry, courtesy of Le Cigare Volant.

Faye holds out a plate of pastries.

Kit: Oh, no thanks. You know, those things are loaded with
bleached flour. That stuff's poison.

She takes out a cigarette, which Niles lights without batting an eye.
Faye registers this insult to her pastry-making.

Kit: Oh, Niles, give me your cell phone. I'll call the travel
agent.
Martin: You going on a trip?
Kit: Yeah, he's taking me to France for the weekend. Euro-Disney!
Niles: Massimo said we just had to go. Apparently it is so lame,
it's cool.

Kit walks out to the balcony with the cell phone and her cigarette.

Faye: [getting her coat] Well, I should get going. Places to go,
people to poison.
Bonnie: I should get going too. [to Martin] I'll pick up Lady and meet
you and Eddie at the park at 10:30?
Martin: Better make it 11:00.

Faye and Bonnie leave.

Niles: [whispering so Kit doesn't hear] Frasier, isn't she great?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Niles: She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life
into me.

They both watch as Kit is doubled over with smoker's cough out on the
balcony.

Frasier: You may have to return the favor.
Niles: [as they sit down at the table] Am I detecting disapproval?
Frasier: No, Niles, not at all, just... Well, all right. Don't you
think you two are going just a bit quickly?
Niles: Oh, for the past year you have told me I had to get over
Daphne, find someone else. Now I do and all you can do is
find fault. Man, you are such a buzz k*ll.
Frasier: Will you stop talking like that? I'm just a little concerned,
Niles. You met this girl last week, she's spent every night
with you, now you're giving her the keys to your apartment?
Niles: I think you're just jealous.
Frasier: Jealous?
Niles: Yes. Here I have attracted this untamed, free spirit, and
you're saddled with an uptight pastry chef whose name you
can't even remember.
Frasier: Her name is Faye! And I am not jealous, I'm just a little
worried about you. I'm afraid you might get hurt.
Niles: Oh. Here we go. Whatever would I do, without my wise older
brother to tell me what to do?
Frasier: Well, frankly, you couldn't be acting more like a child.
You think I don't know the real reason you came over here?
It wasn't to get your keys, it was to show off Lolita's kid
sister out there. The two of you have absolutely nothing in
common.

Niles picks up Kit's purse as she comes in from the balcony.

Kit: Well, we're all set for Euro-Disney!
Niles: Great. You ready to go home?
Kit: Oh, sure. Bye, Frasier.
Frasier: Bye.
Kit: Oh, I'm so excited for this trip! I'm going to spend all my
time at Fantasy Land.

They head out the door.

Frasier: Oh, Niles? [Niles turns back to listen] I'm sorry, I take it
back. You do have something in common.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

SOONER OR LATER EVERYONE
COMES TO CAFE NERVOSA


Scene One – Café Nervosa - Morning
In the back of the café, Kit jumps into Niles's lap and kisses him as
he tries to read the newspaper. He looks pleased. Frasier and Roz
look on cynically as Frasier sits down at her table.

Frasier: Isn't that a darling sight? Time was when a waitress said,
"Can I warm that up for you?" she was talking about your
coffee. How was your date with Bulldog last night?
Roz: Hideous. He took me to a nice restaurant, he brought me
flowers, and then we went back to his place and cuddled.
All I could think of the whole time was, "How do I dump
this loser?"
Frasier: Oh, Roz...
Roz: He's meeting me here for coffee and I'm ending this thing
once and for all.
Frasier: [looking back at Kit and Niles kissing affectionately] Yeah,
well, good luck getting a cup of coffee. You know, it's the
funniest thing. He really does look happy, doesn't he?
Roz: Yeah, so just leave it alone.
Frasier: Maybe you're right. [dialing his cell phone] Do you realize
that this is the first time in recent history that all three
Crane men have been in happy relationships? Maybe I should
be celebrating that fact rather than being such a buzz k*ll.
Roz: What does that mean?
Frasier: Oh, Roz, plug in. [on the phone, leaving a message] Hi, honey,
it's Frasier. Listen, I just read a marvelous review of this
charming boite out in Freemont and I thought to myself, "that
is a place that Cassandra would just love," so-
Roz: [whispering urgently] Frasier!
Frasier: [aside to Roz] Not now, Roz, please.
Roz: You just called her Cassandra!
Frasier: [realizing she's right] Oh, dear God, I'm- [on the phone]
My producer Roz informs me that I just called you Cassandra.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing this. I know that
you're Faye. Fabulous Faye! Forever Faye! Call me, Faye.
[hanging up, to Roz] It is one syllable! What the hell is
wrong with me?

Roz starts laughing.

Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see that you think it's funny.
Roz: No, I don't, I just... I'm having a flashback to my summer
of Ted, Todd, and Tad.

Bulldog enters the café and comes over to their table, handing Roz a
cute stuffed dog which she accepts reluctantly. Frasier gets up to
move.

Bulldog: Hey, sports fans!
Frasier: Oh, uh, Bulldog, hi. You know what? You may have my seat.
I'm going to sit over there. [He leaves.]
Bulldog: All right. [sitting down with Roz] Hey, gorgeous.
Roz: Look, Bulldog, you and I need to talk about what's been
going on between us.
Bulldog: I know.

He takes her hand. She jerks it away.

Roz: [hissing] We're in public!
Bulldog: Look. [hand on his heart] I want to tell you what's going on
in here, okay?
Roz: Bulldog, I don't want to know--
Bulldog: Roz, I've gotta be honest with you. This past week has
been amazing, but... I met a total babe at unemployment
this morning and we're going to Hawaii this afternoon.
Roz: What?!
Bulldog: I know, I know. Getting dumped - ouch. It hurts like hell.
Roz: No, I don't believe this! I came here to dump you!
Bulldog: Hey, whatever you gotta say to get through this, it's okay
with me.
Roz: But-
Bulldog: I know, I know. I didn't mean to make you fall in love with
me.
Roz: [inarticulate with rage] I didn't! You repulse me!
Bulldog: [loudly, rising to leave] Hey, love hurts, Roz. And I'm not
talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table. Aloha,
old friend.
Roz: [grabbing the stuffed dog to att*ck him] Bulldog, you cuddle
lousy and I'm glad you got fired!

Bulldog exits as Roz throws the dog after him. Frasier looks on,
bemused, and another café patron lowers his newspaper to get a
closer view. It's Noel, looking sly.

Noel: [to Roz] Well, timing is everything.
Roz: Back off, buzz k*ll!

She flees to the bathroom. Noel looks after her, then raises his
paper again as Martin comes in and spots Frasier sitting alone.

Martin: Hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hey, Dad.
Martin: [at the counter] Black coffee to go, please.

Martin sits down with Frasier.

Frasier: You okay?
Martin: I just broke it off with Bonnie.
Frasier: Oh, gee. I'm so sorry. What happened?
Martin: Lady humped Eddie.
Frasier: Excuse me?
Martin: You heard me. It was humiliating.
Frasier: But Eddie's a boy dog and Lady's a... well, a lady.
Martin: Yes, well, that would be the humiliating part, now wouldn't
it? Right in his own park in front of all those other dogs.
[Frasier starts smiling] Yeah, Bonnie got a big kick out of
it, too.
Frasier: Sorry.
Martin: I told her off and that was it.
Frasier: [chuckling] I'm sorry, Dad.
Martin: It's not funny.
Frasier: I know, I know, I know. [trying to be serious, then]
Was he wearing a hat? [laughs]

Martin gets up disgustedly to leave as Faye comes in.

Frasier: No, Dad, please, come back...
Faye: Hi, Martin.
Martin: [leaving] Hey, Faye.
Frasier: Hi, honey.
Faye: [kissing him] Hi. I was near the station so I just thought
I'd see if you were around.
Frasier: Oh, great. [to Roz, returning to her table] Oh, Roz,
you remember... Faye!
Roz: Hi, Faye.
Faye: You were going to say Cassandra, weren't you?
Frasier: No, no. Why would you think such a thing?
Faye: Well, for one, I just checked my messages.
Frasier: Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why it keeps happening.
You just have this remarkable resemblance to-
Faye: I know, I know. Your aunt. [going to the ladies' room]
I'll be right back.
Frasier: [to Roz] I have got to stop saying Cassandra!

Cassandra comes into the cafe and spots them.

Cassandra: Frasier!
Frasier: Cassandra!
Roz: Hi, Cassandra.
Frasier: So, how've you been?
Cassandra: Great. Actually I've been wanting to talk to you for a
while. We've been sort of... avoiding each other at work
and it just all seems so silly. I mean, I really don't
have any hard feelings about the way things ended between
us.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's wonderful. Neither do I.
Cassandra: You dumped me. You're not allowed to have hard
feelings. Anyway, my life is great. I'm back together
with Sloan. You know, you and I should have coffee
together sometime.

Faye returns from the bathroom. Cassandra doesn't see her, and
neither does Frasier at first.

Frasier: That'd be nice, yes.
Cassandra: I'm just glad we're putting all this awkwardness behind
us.
Frasier: Me, too.

She moves to hug him, and he is willing until he spots Faye
approaching. Then he twists Cassandra's arm and turns it into a
painful handshake that doesn't fool Faye.

Cassandra: Ouch!
Faye: [to Cassandra] Hello.
Cassandra: Hello.
Frasier: [sweating] Well...
Roz: [jumping in] Whoa! I've gotta get back to work.
[to Cassandra] Going back to the station?
Cassandra: Uh, yes...
Roz: [pushing her out the door] Good, I'll walk with you.
Oh my God, look at the time. We've got to hurry. Bye,
Faye. Bye Frasier.
Frasier: Bye-bye. Love you.
Roz: [leaving] Yes, you do!
Faye: Who was that?
Frasier: You know Roz.
Faye: No, the other one.
Frasier: Oh, she's the, um, promotions director.
Faye: Well, she's gorgeous. Don't you think so?
Frasier: I don't know, I never really looked.
Faye: Well, don't start looking now. [kissing him, then exiting]
If I'm going to stay I should feed the meter.
Frasier: Lucky meter.

He savors his narrow escape as Niles comes over to the table and sits
down. He's once again wearing his usual elegant suit.

Niles: Hey there, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, hi. Listen, Niles, I want to apologize for getting
upset this morning. I've been giving it some thought and I
think maybe Kit is just what the doctor ordered.
Niles: [gloating] Is she ever!
Frasier: And no strings? Just fun, right? That's what she says.
Niles: Exactly. So, you really like her?
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Niles: And you're not just saying that?
Frasier: Absolutely not.
Niles: You want her?
Frasier: Excuse me?
Niles: Frasier, she's k*lling me. I'm just not cut out for this
lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club
dancing my modified Charleston, and then catching my
reflection in the store window this morning as I Rollerbladed
past in spandex, I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic
middle-aged ghoul. Obviously, I've got to break it off with
her.
Frasier: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Niles. You going to tell her now?
Niles: No, I'll arrange to meet her after work. To tell you the
truth, I think she's losing interest herself. I couldn't
help noticing a little eye-rolling today when my skate wheel
got stuck in a storm grate. [gets up] And... thanks for not
saying "I told you so."

He walks over to the counter where Kit is picking up a tray of coffees.


Niles: Hey, Kit, there's something I wanted to talk to you about
later.
Kit: Just talk to me now. You know you can tell me anything.
Niles: No, I'd rather do it after your shift.
Kit: You have such a serious face. [jokingly] What, are we
breaking up or something?
Niles: Well...

Kit drops her tray in shock, shattering coffee cups and thus drawing
the attention of the whole café.

Kit: Oh my God! You just dumped me? Right here where I work in
front of everyone I wait on?
Niles: That's okay, we'll go outside.
Kit: [yelling hysterically] Give me an answer!
Niles: [appalled] Kit, Kit, calm down-
Kit: You're tired of me? Is that what it is?
Niles: It's all right-
Kit: You've had enough of me? I gave you everything and you used
me! Sex, sex, sex! The way you come to bed every night -
wanting it, begging for it!
Niles: I never had to beg!
Kit: I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?
Niles: [shocked] No, don't say that!
Kit: That's all I am, your whore! Your whore from the café!

She runs out of the cafe as Niles stands stunned amid the broken
crockery. The other patrons stare at him in dead silence as he
attempts to explain.

Niles: It's really more of a compatibility thing. I'm recently
divorced and I've been under a lot of strain...

Frasier goes over to rescue him.

Niles: It's been very painful for everyone...
Frasier: Niles, they're strangers. It's all right, Niles. Let's just
pick this up, shall we?

They gather the broken china as Faye comes back into the café.

Faye: What happened?
Frasier: I'm not really sure, actually. Just give me a minute, will
you?

Cassandra comes in and approaches Faye.

Cassandra: Excuse me, is Frasier still here? I just had something
I needed to ask him.
Faye: Oh, yeah, he's over there. I didn't get a chance to meet
you before. I'm Faye. [holds out her hand]
Cassandra: [takes it] Oh, how do you do? I'm...
Frasier: [seeing them together] NOOOO!!!

The action GOES INTO SLOW MOTION as the two women shake hands and
Frasier dives across the café to separate them, knocking Niles aside
and sending dish towels and china flying.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - The Piano Bar - Evening
Frasier is sitting at the bar talking to the bartender as one of the
patrons (Jack) noodles around on the piano quietly.

[N.B. The set is the same as Granville's singles bar in [4.6] "Mixed
Doubles."]

Frasier: [looking around] You know, this is a charming little place.
I live right around the corner but I've never been in before.
Bartender: What'll it be?
Frasier: Martini, straight up, two olives - henceforth known as
"the usual."

Niles wanders in and comes over to Frasier.

Niles: Hey.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: I called Daphne. She said you'd be here.
Frasier: Oh, yeah.
Niles: Cozy room. I guess it'll have to do, because the old
whoremonger won't be going back to Nervosa anytime soon.
Frasier: Yeah. I'm pretty much exiled from Le Cigar Volant with Faye
working there.

The bartender hands Frasier his drink.

Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: Well, I plan to get stinkin' tonight. [to bartender] May I
see your wine list?

Niles studies a small card the bartender hands him as Frasier sips
his martini and Martin enters the bar with Eddie on a leash.

Martin: Hey, guys.
Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin: I saw Niles's car outside, so I thought I'd stop in for a
drink. I can't go to McGinty's anymore with Bonnie there,
and Eddie's taking a break from the park.
Frasier: Well, come join us here on Elba.

Martin wraps Eddie's leash around a vacant barstool and sits down next
to Frasier.

Bartender: What can I get you?
Martin: Jameson's on the rocks.
Niles: [handing back the wine list] And I'll try the... white.

The bartender looks amused, but says nothing.

Niles: Well, here we are again - losers in love.
Frasier: Yeah. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem incapable
of maintaining a relationship. I date a nice girl like Faye,
things seem to be working out, and I seem to find a way to
blow it. It seems to be the pattern of my life. Well, except
with Lilith. She was just nuts.
Niles: At least you take your time. I don't date, I leap. Headfirst.
[accepting his wine from the bartender] Thank you. More often
than not I get my heart broken - by Maris... [sipping the wine
and grimacing at its flavor] By Daphne, even if she didn't
know it. At least Kit only broke my box spring.
Frasier: All I can conclude is that I must have some deeper issues
with women that manifest themselves in my behavior. The
trick is to pinpoint them.
Niles: Well, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking of taking
some time off and going into deep analysis.
Frasier: That's not a bad idea, Niles. Stephen Bachman is at the
absolute pinnacle of psychodynamic research. Perhaps we
should see him.
Niles: If we went in together we could get a rate.
Frasier: Yeah. Shouldn't take more than a year or so...
Niles: I think that's optimistic...
Martin: Jeez, how do you guys get up in the morning? You want to go
into deep analysis? Listen to me, I'm your father. There's
nothing wrong with either one of you. [to Frasier] You dump
a woman but you can't get her off your mind, so you end up
getting dumped by the other one. And you should have stayed
with the first one anyway, she was hotter. [to Niles] And you?
You're just learning how to date. I mean, it would have been
nice if it had happened 25 years ago, but you play the cards
you're dealt. Me? I like Bonnie, Bonnie's dog humps Eddie,
I don't like Bonnie anymore. It doesn't mean I have "issues
with women," it's just life, you know? Good stuff happens and
bad stuff happens, that's all. You've just gotta look on the
bright side. It's like that old song - "You Gotta Accentuate
the Positive."
Frasier: Maybe Dad's right. We do tend to over-analyze things.
Martin: Hey. I got an idea. [going over to the piano] Let's go
over here. Let's do a little singing.
Niles: Dad...
Martin: [to Jack] Hey, buddy, can you play "Accentuate the Positive"?
Jack: Oh, no, I'm just noodling around. The real pianist doesn't
come till 9:00.
Martin: Well, you can fake it, can't you?
Jack: Well no, not really. I actually only know three songs –
"America the Beautiful," "Happy Birthday" and "Goldfinger."
Frasier: That's all right, buddy-
Martin: No, come on guys, we were gonna sing a happy song, let's sing
a happy song. [to Jack] Uh, play "Goldfinger."
Niles: We don't know the words to that.
Martin: Oh, come on, you knew it when you were kids! It'll cheer you
up, come on. [to Jack] Hit it.

Reluctantly the guys follow Martin over to the piano and stand
awkwardly as Jack launches into "Goldfinger."

Jack: [plays opening bars, then sings] Weh-weh-weh, Weh-weh-weh...
Martin: [prompting] Goldfinger...
All: [singing, Frasier and Niles bored] "Goldfinger!"
Martin: He's the man, the man with the Midas touch.
All: "He's the man, the man with the Midas touch..."
Martin: A spider's touch.
All: "A spider's touch..."
Martin: Such a cold finger.
Frasier: Dad, this is ridiculous.
Martin: Oh, come on, sing it!
All: "Such a cold finger...
[Frasier and Niles start remembering and getting into it]
"Beckons you to enter his web of sin..."
Martin: That's it!
All: "But don't go in!"

They are singing along and boogeying enthusiastically.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT FOUR