07x09 - The Apparent Trap

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Radio Station.
Roz is organizing some carts with her baby daughter Alice in her
arms. Alice is dressed in a cute turkey suit. Frasier enters her
booth and greets them.

Roz: Morning, Fras.
Frasier: Hi, Roz. Roz, is baby Alice dressed as a little turkey or am
I just very, very hungry? [laughs]
Roz: We're flying home for Thanksgiving right after the show.
I thought I'd make Alice look as cute as possible so if
she cries on the plane, the other passengers can't get mad.
Actually, what I like to do is keep her awake so she'll
sleep on the plane.
Frasier: You know, you should just do what I used to do. I used to
tell the passengers that if Frederick cried, I'd buy them
all a drink.
Roz: And that worked?
Frasier: Oh, yes. In fact, one time I awoke from a short nap, and the
fellow sitting behind us was flicking the back of Frederick's
little ear. Of course that was cheating, the man did not get
his drink.

They cross to Frasier's booth.

Roz: So when is Frederick coming anyway?
Frasier: Well, Lilith is dropping him off around noon and then she's
off to visit a colleague for Thanksgiving in Vancouver. You
know, come to think of it, do they even celebrate Thanksgiving
in Canada?
Roz: They will when she leaves!

Frasier nods in agreement as they begin the show.

FADE OUT

AS ALL OF VANCOUVER KNEELS TO GIVE THANKS...


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
The doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to reveal Lilith and
Frederick.

Freddie: Hi, Dad. [hugs him]
Frasier: Frederick, hi.
Lilith: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello. Oh, gosh, you know, I was starting to get worried
about you. You’re an hour late.
Freddie: We saw a big accident on the freeway. Mom saved this guy's
life.
Frasier: Really?
Lilith: Well, that's going a bit far. I simply applied a tourniquet.
Freddie: She's a hero.
Frasier: [skeptically] Yes, that's your mother all right, son.
Freddie: Then the paramedics came and wanted to give mom a transfusion.
Frasier: [jokily] Yes, that's your mother all right, son.
Lilith: If you don't mind, I'd like to use the phone and call my
colleague and tell him I'll be late.
Frasier: Yes, of course. Who is this colleague anyway?
Lilith: [crosses to the phone and begins dialing] He's the man who
supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together
socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations.
Frasier: Ah. Well, if the drumsticks are about this big [shows a
couple of centimeters with his fingers], you'll know why.
Freddie: Good one, Dad.
Frasier: Thank you, son.

Lilith has just connected.

Lilith: Hello, Peter, it's Lilith. Listen, I'm running about an
hour late, so... [pause] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, take care of yourself. Okay. Goodbye. [hangs up]
Frasier: What happened?
Lilith: Peter's come down with something. He thinks he caught it
from the rats.
Frasier: Oh, now, nobody caught anything from a rat that wasn't
resolved in a day or two, off you go.

[N.B. History has taken it for granted that the Black Death, to which
this joke is obviously referring, was bubonic plague, which would have
been spread by ticks and fleas jumping off the hides of rats. However,
recent research has suggested that the Black Death might actually have
been a form of anthr*x, in which case the rats were innocent and the
cows were to blame.]

Freddie: Gee, mom, why don't you spend Thanksgiving with us?
Frasier: Yes, that's a very good one, Frederick. Go kiss your mother
goodbye and unpack, all right?

Frederick complies to his father's wishes and exits to his Dad's room.

Lilith: Would it be so unbearable for me to be here for one meal?
As soon as we're done, I'll go and check into a hotel. I can
spend the weekend working on an article I've been writing.
Frasier: Well, you know, Niles is coming this afternoon, and it'll be
very uncomfortable, I think. You know, you two haven't seen
each other since your little tryst.
Lilith: Oh please, Niles and I are adults.
Frasier: I suppose you're right. It would mean a lot to Frederick.
After all, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate family.

Keys are heard jingling in the corridor. Frasier half opens the door
to Martin who doesn't see the company.

Martin: Is the witch gone yet?
Frasier: Lilith's still here, Dad.
Martin: [shocked then collects himself] Oh, in that case, I'll ask
you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? [twitches] I had
some very strong coffee this morning and...
Lilith: Skillfully done, Martin.

Martin enters, closing the door behind him, as Frederick appears.

Freddie: Grandpa!
Martin: Oh, Freddie! [hugs him] How ya doing?
Freddie: So, Dad, is Mom staying for dinner?
Lilith: Yes, Frederick, I am.
Freddie: Isn't that great, Grandpa?
Martin: [through his teeth] Great, Freddie! Real great! Isn't that
great, Freddie?!
Freddie: Are you okay, Grandpa?
Lilith: [hanging up her coat] He's worried about his twitch!

The doorbell sounds. Frasier opens the door to Daphne, arms full with
grocery bags, trying to tug a stubborn Eddie inside.

Daphne: Come on, Eddie, come on.
Frasier: What's the matter?
Daphne: Well, he was perfectly fine until a block from here. Then he
started whining and trembling, like he senses an earthquake
or a dark force or- [not really noticing her] hello, Lilith -
a vortex of evil. [notices her properly]

Martin takes Eddie and carefully takes him into the kitchen, shielding
him from evil with his overcoat.

Freddie: I'll help with the groceries.
Daphne: [hands them to him] Hey, Freddie. Thank you. [kisses him]
Well, let's see how the turkey's coming.

Daphne exits to the kitchen with Frederick.

Frasier: Yes, Daphne's preparing dinner.
Lilith: Oh, should we tell her there's an extra person?

Clatterings of groceries are heard in the kitchen.

Frasier: No need.

Lilith takes a seat on the couch as the doorbell sounds. Frasier
answers it to Niles.

Niles: Hello, Frasier.

He notices Lilith and crosses to her, sitting on the couch.
He becomes very monotone.

Niles: Hello, Lilith. Lovely to see you again. [kisses her]
Lilith: Nice to see you, too.
Niles: I trust your flight was uneventful?
Lilith: Up, down, bumpy over the mountains.
Niles: Isn't that always the way?
Frasier: Lilith is joining us for dinner, Niles.
Niles: What a nice surprise.
Lilith: It certainly is for me.
Niles: Well, not as nice as it is for me.

Frasier is becoming very agitated by all this "nice" conversation.

Frasier: Oh, stop it, both of you! I refuse to spend the day listening
to your distilled chatter!
Niles: Well, how would you have us behave?
Frasier: Well, why don't you try going back to your former relationship?
Lilith: All we did was insult each other.
Frasier: Yes! You're willing to throw all that away just because of
one ill-considered night of passion?! It happened, take from
it what you can learn, move on!
Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream
headache.
Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength,
so shut your pie hole!
Frasier: Was that so hard?

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Later in the day Daphne is mashing the potatoes in the kitchen when
Martin enters. Bits of dishes are laid out on the side including a
plate of cranberry sauce.

Martin: Wait, wait, what are you doing?!
Daphne: I'm mashing the potatoes.
Martin: By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes, therefore every
bite tastes the same.
Daphne: Isn't that a bit bland?
Martin: Hello? Welcome to potatoes! Could you just once cook a
traditional Thanksgiving meal? I mean, look at this cranberry
sauce. [points to a dish of nicely smoothed sauce] It's
supposed to keep the shape of the can, quiver a little bit.
What are all these little chunks in there?
Daphne: Those are cranberries.

Niles enters with a box from a baker's.

Niles: Dad, here you are, one frozen pumpkin pie on request.
Daphne: Honestly, wouldn't you rather I just bake a pie from scratch?
Martin: Is it that you CAN’T learn or you WON’T learn?

Martin exits in disgust as Frederick enters after laying a superb
arrangement on the table.

Freddie: I'm done setting the table.
Niles: Oh, you did set the table... [looks] It looks very nice,
very elegant, Frederick.
Daphne: Oh yes, Freddie's been quite the little helper. Every time
I bend over to check the turkey, there he is.

Niles gives Frederick a sly look. Meanwhile, in the room Frasier and
Lilith are chatting.

Frasier: So, Lilith, tell me about this article you are writing.
Freddie: [enters] It's about me.
Lilith: Essentially, yes. I was talking to a friend that works at
the New York Times Magazine about raising a child after
divorce and she pointed out that as a psychiatrist, I might
have a unique perspective.
Freddie: You know, since it's about me, shouldn't I get something
for it?
Lilith: You're not getting a minibike.
Freddie: But Mom...!
Lilith: We have talked about this. You can get one when you are
fifteen.
Freddie: But all my friends have minibikes.
Lilith: Yes, and if all of your friends decided to enter a Level
Four biohazard area without their environmental containment
suits, would you do that too?
Freddie: This is different!
Lilith: No, it's not.
Freddie: Dad!
Frasier: Sorry Frederick, I'm with your mother on this one.
Daphne: [from kitchen] Dinner's almost ready!
Lilith: Excuse me.

Lilith gets up and leaves to the powder room.

Freddie: You know what I think, Dad? You and mom should write this
article together.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure your mom can write it without my help.
Freddie: But it was her idea, she told me on the plane how much easier
it would be. I just don't think she knows how to ask you.
Frasier: It is an intriguing idea.

Daphne enters.

Martin: [from kitchen] Frasier! I could use some help out here.
Daphne: He's picking the raisins out of the stuffing!
Frasier: Oh Lord! Coming, Dad.

Daphne and Frasier exit back to the kitchen. Then Lilith enters back
from the powder room and sits with her son.

Freddie: You know, I think you and Dad should write this article
together.
Lilith: Together? Well, I think the last thing your father wants
is to collaborate with me.
Freddie: But it was his idea. He just told me how much fun it would
be.
Lilith: Well, it's an interesting notion.

Niles and Daphne enter from the kitchen. Niles is carrying a carved
turkey.

Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case
you're wondering, this bird appears to have d*ed of a massive
head trauma.

Daphne and Niles share a laugh as Lilith guides Freddie to the table.

Lilith: Did you wash your hands, Frederick?
Freddie: Yeah. Uncle Niles even showed me how to open the door with
my elbow so I don't need to touch the handle.
Niles: What are uncles for?
Lilith: Daphne, is your fiancée joining us?
Daphne: No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving
tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's
represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today.
Lilith: Wow! Twenty-five lonely, bitter men.
Daphne: It's been a good year.

Niles pulls out the chair next to Daphne so that he can sit by her,
however Freddie beats him to it.

Freddie: Uncle Niles, mom's writing an article about me.
Niles: Really?
Lilith: It's about raising a child after divorce.
Frasier: Yes, it sounds fascinating, doesn't it? It's a subject that's
very near and dear to my own heart.
Lilith: Are you suggesting we collaborate?
Frasier: Well, if you think I might be helpful.
Freddie: What a great idea, you can write it together.
Frasier: I'd be willing.
Lilith: Well, we certainly did well on our first collaboration.
[glances at Frederick]
Frasier: You know, Lilith, we could probably get most of it done in
the time you're still here in town.
Freddie: And if you stay here, you can finish the whole thing.
Frasier: Well, I guess it would be alright by me.
Lilith: Daphne, would that be too much of an imposition?
Daphne: Not at all, I'll be spending the weekend with Donny. [rises]
Now, where is your father with that gravy? [exits to kitchen]
Lilith: Then I'll stay here. Although maybe we should run this
by your father.

The clattering of a gravy boat is heard from the kitchen.

Frasier: No need.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

THE APPARENT TRAP


Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Lilith and Frasier working through some notes on the couch. Lilith's
hair has been taken out of its bun and they are sharing a glass of
wine.

Lilith: Yes, but I think we should have something about non
custodial parents and discipline.
Frasier: Exactly! The weekend the father needn't be a weakened
father.
Lilith: [laughs] Frasier, you still have a direct line to my funny
bone.
Frasier: [laughs] Thank Goodness the line wasn't stop.
Lilith: [laughs] Stop! Now, if we laugh all night, we'll never get
any work done.

CUT TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Bedroom.
Meanwhile, Frederick is sat on Frasier's bed playing a video game
on the television screen. He seems very much into it. There is a
knock at the door and Niles enters and sits with him.

Niles: Hey Frederick, I'm leaving. [notices screen] Whatcha doing?
Freddie: I'm saving the universe. Do you want to help?
Niles: [laughs] I wouldn't know where to begin.
Freddie: It's easy, I'll show you.
Niles: All right, what do you do?
Freddie: [hands him controller] That's your guy, you've just escaped
from an intergalactic maximum security prison pod.
Niles: Like they could hold me.
Freddie: Now once you leave this chamber, you can go left or right,
and different things will happen to you.

Niles tries to play and in an instant a scream in heard from the game.

Niles: What happened?
Freddie: Wow! I never saw the guy trip and fall before. Try it
again, you have two lives left.
Niles: Okay. [tries again but fails] I can't seem to get out of
this room, is this some sort of advanced level?
Freddie: No, this is like the training area. I didn't even know you
could die here!
Niles: [tries again but fails] I have to get out of this room!
Freddie: The reset button's on the right. Do you want something to
drink? [rises]
Niles: Quiet!

Niles carries on playing as Frederick slips out of the room.

CUT TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
A minute or two later, Frasier is washing the dishes in the kitchen.
Frederick enters.

Freddie: Hi, Dad.
Frasier: Oh, hi son.
Freddie: How's the writing?
Frasier: Well, it's coming along nicely, thanks.
Freddie: Oh, mom wants to know if you're bringing over the wine?
Frasier: Oh, of course, yes. [picks up wine glass]
Freddie: You know, it's great to see you and Mom working together.
I think she kinda misses you.
Frasier: Really?
Freddie: Yes, she talks about you all the time. Y ou know, how
wonderful you are and how she's never met another man
like you. [pointing to glass of wine] You go take that
out to her, I'll finish up in here.
Frasier: Thank you, son.

Frasier exits the kitchen and enters the main room. He hands the
glass to Lilith but stands firmly away from her.

Frasier: There you are.
Lilith: [surprised] Oh, thank you. I've been rearranging this
outline, why don't you take a look.

Lilith holds up the piece of paper. Frasier, not wanting to get
closer, briefly glances at it.

Frasier: Looks fine.
Lilith: Frasier, you can't see it from there, sit down. [he does]
You know, I'm really enjoying this collaboration.
Frasier: Me too.
Lilith: Is it me, or is it getting warm? [takes her jacket off
revealing her bare shoulders]
Frasier: [shaken up] It is a little warm!

Eddie then rushes out from the corridor and heads straight to the door.
He scratches at the door with fury trying to get out as Martin follows
him.

Martin: All right, boy, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Frasier: [rises] Dad, let me walk you out. There's something I want
to discuss with you.
Martin: You know, I've never seen him so eager to take a walk,
I wonder what... [notices Lilith] Oh, right.

Eddie, Martin and Frasier exit the apartment as Frederick enters from
the kitchen.

Freddie: Hey, mom. How's the article going?
Lilith: Very well, thank you.
Freddie: You know, I've never seen Dad this happy.
Lilith: Oh, what do you mean?
Freddie: Well, all he does is talk about you. How pretty you look
and how smart you are and how much he misses you.

Reset to: Hallway
Meanwhile, Martin and Frasier are having a one to one in the corridor.

Martin: What makes you think she's coming on to you?
Frasier: Well, actually Frederick told me, but you know, it actually
makes sense. I mean, this colleague of hers gets mysteriously
ill and then she lassoes me into writing this article with her
and then all of a sudden before I know it, the bun is off and
she's waggling her bare shoulder at me.
Martin: Hey, some of us just had a big meal!

CUT TO:

Scene Four - Frasier's Bedroom.
Niles is sprawled out on the bed intensely playing the video game.
A knock is heard at the door.

Niles: It's not your turn yet, I still have two more lives.
Lilith: [enters] It's Lilith.

As she says this the computer gives out a "scream" as Niles fails
again which adds to the comic timing. Lilith enters, shutting the
door behind her, and sits on the bed next to Niles.

Lilith: I need to talk to you.
Niles: Does the door have to be closed?
Lilith: I thinks it's best, it's of a personal nature.
Niles: What's this about?
Lilith: Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over and
now I'm beginning to think, maybe it's not.
Niles: Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.
Lilith: This isn't about you, you egomaniac. This is about Frasier.
I think he wants us together again.
Niles: He knows how I feel about you.
Lilith: Not us! Me and Frasier! Is there a chair here I could talk
to?!

Once again Niles fails on his computer game, and the scream is heard.

Niles: Well, what makes you think he wants you to get back together?
Lilith: Well, first he offers to collaborate on this article, now he's
plying me with wine and at this very moment I expect he's
asking your father to clear out for the night.
Niles: So he took a professional interest in your article and he
offered you some wine on Thanksgiving. Now who's the
egomaniac?
Lilith: Perhaps I am overreacting. I'll just have to keep my eyes
peeled for more conclusive evidence.

Lilith takes over the game pad and starts playing on the computer.
From the way she plays, you can tell she is a pro at the game.

Niles: I didn't know there was a door there!

CUT TO:

Scene Five - Frasier's Aparment.
In the corridor, Frasier and Martin are still conferring.

Frasier: Then again, maybe I've just made this whole thing up in my
head. Tell you what, Dad. Take a minute and then come back
in. See what you think's going on in there and then find
some subtle way to tell me what you think.
Martin: All right, okay. Just give me a minute.

Meanwhile, inside the apartment, Frederick is lighting romantic
candles. He then turns the lights down low and switches on some light,
classical music on the stereo. As Frasier enters, his son runs off to
his bedroom. Frasier is worried by this environment. He notices the
bottle of wine on the table and quickly hides it away in the kitchen.
Lilith the enters also noticing the aura of the room. She is slightly
angered by this as Frasier enters. They confront each other.

Lilith: Frasier.
Frasier: Lilith.
Lilith: [worried] Well, isn't this nice?
Frasier: [worried] Yes, very nice.

Then Martin enters, and swiftly takes in the music, the lights,
the candles, and Lilith’s hair and shoulders.

Martin: Oh, excuse me again, I just came back to get an umbrella in
case it rains. [picks one up] But I hope it doesn't, because
Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him. I take
off his leash and I say, "Run for your life!" That's exactly
what I say, "Run for your life!"
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: Okay. [starts to leave, then] Run for your life!

Martin exits.

Lilith: Frasier, we have to talk.
Frasier: Yes, Lilith, we do.
Lilith: I mean, I can't just sit here all night waiting for you to
make your move.
Frasier: Well, you've just got this all worked out, haven't you!
Lilith: Well, let's see. Candlelight, wine, soft music. What else do
I need?
Frasier: I don't know what's worse: that you want me back or that you
think I can be won so easily! [switches off music]
Lilith: You think I'm responsible for this?!
Frasier: You assume you can just snap your fingers and old Frasier'll
come-a-runnin'?! Well, I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way,
sister. First of all I have to be finessed!
Lilith: I didn't do any of this, and if you didn't either, then
someone is setting us up.
Frasier: But who...? [realizes] Frederick! He told me that you've
been pining for me.
Lilith: He just told me the same about you.
Frasier: Good Lord, here we are writing an article on taking your child
through a divorce and our son is nursing the hopeless fantasy
that we'll get back together. We've got to go talk with him.
Lilith: No, wait a minute, something is not right here. When has
Frederick expressed the slightest desire to see us together?
Frasier: He could have been sublimating it for years.
Lilith: Even so, he lied to both of us. He had to have known that
we'd compare notes.
Frasier: Alright, so his plan was a little artless.
Lilith: Unless... That's exactly what he wanted.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Lilith: Think about it. He makes us believe that he wants us
together, of course we have to tell him that that's not
going to happen. His hopes are dashed and we feel so
guilty that we compensate by getting him something he wants.
Frasier: A minibike?
Lilith: That's a very clever little boy we have.
Frasier: Could he actually be so devious?
Lilith: Ah, well, if he wants something badly enough, he will figure
out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle
at the end of the maze?
Frasier: You know, I kinda regret doing that.
Lilith: [calls] Frederick!
Frasier: What are you going to do? Just come out and ask him?
Lilith: Of course not, he'll only deny it.
Frasier: What then?
Lilith: Just go with me on this one.

Frederick enters.

Lilith: Frederick, have a seat, we need to talk to you.
Freddie: [sits] What about?
Lilith: We know that you've been trying to maneuver us together
and it's only natural for a child of divorce to want that.
Generally speaking, your plan would be fruitless, but when
your father and I let down our guard and looked at each
other in the candlelight, we realized that we belong
together. In other words, we're getting remarried.

Lilith links hands with a very anxious Frasier who tries to cover
this up with a broad grin.

Freddie: Do you really mean it? [Frasier nods in "delight"] This is
going to be the best Christmas ever! I'm gonna go tell
Uncle Niles.

Frederick exits to his room.

Frasier: Have you lost your mind?!
Lilith: He's cooler than I thought.
Frasier: Cooler?! This isn't a game of poker! This is our son being
lied to by his parents. We've got to go in there, tell him
the truth and make it up to him. Even if it takes a fleet of
minibikes!
Lilith: No, no, Frasier. Please, we called his bluff. Now, he's
calling ours. The question is, what's our next move?
Frasier: Oh, I know, why don't we just consult this handy little
guide for divorced parents?! [points to their article]
Lilith: We can't blink first, we've got to up the ante.
Frasier: Good idea, Lilith! [sarcastic] You know what? Let's go in
there and promise him the baby brother he'll never have!

Frederick and Niles then enter. Niles has an expression on his face
that kills me with laughter every time I see it. It is a mix of fake
joy, worry, and anger.

Niles: What's this joyous news I hear?
Lilith: You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of
your friends, because we're going to live here in Seattle.
Freddie: I'd live anywhere to be a family again.
Niles: [in one long breath] So it is true, congratulations to you
both, good night. [heads to door]
Freddie: Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles?
Niles: No, thank you!

Niles walks, very stiffly, towards and out of the door, not even
looking back at the "happy couple."

Freddie: I'm going to go call my friends. I love you. [exits]
Lilith: I don't understand, I was so sure.
Frasier: Oh gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith. After all,
what parent doesn't at one time or another completely
obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another
human being?! Oh well, there he is. Telling his friends
that all of his dreams have come true.
Lilith: Unless that's what he wants us to think?
Frasier: When will you stop?!

Lilith goes over to the phone and clicks onto speaker phone on which
Frederick is chatting to his friend.

Freddie: [v.o.] It worked! All I did was tap into my parents' feelings
of inadequacy and they crumbled.
Boy: [v.o.] What does that mean?
Freddie: I'm getting the minibike.
Lilith: [into phone] Frederick.
Freddie: Uh-oh! [hangs up]

Lilith and Frasier are relieved.

Lilith: Do I know my son, or do I know my son?
Frasier: He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a
minibike?
Lilith: You know what this means, don't you?
Frasier: Yes... he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr.
Sternin.
Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane.

They hi-five.

Lilith: Well, we really should get in there.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him,
waiting for the axe to fall.
Lilith: Absolute hell.
Frasier: Absolute nightmare.

And then:

Frasier: [laughs] Wine?
Lilith: Love some.

Frasier hands Lilith her wine glass as they sit down to relax.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Daphne kneels next to Frederick on the bed as he pretends to struggle
with the video game. Finally she takes pity on him and puts her
arms around his to help him work the controls. Frederick looks at
her with a rather Niles-like expression of satisfaction as at least
one plan works out for the day.