07x10 - Back Talk [1]

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Frasier's Bedroom.
It's just after seven in the morning and Frasier is fast asleep.
Eddie runs in and jumps on the bed. Eddie has an electric voice
box attached to his collar. Martin is obviously offstage with a
microphone, as his voice comes through the box. It is done to
sound like a dog.

Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] Rrrr'appy Rrrr'irthday, Rrrr'aiser!
Frasier: [wakes up, sarcastically] Eddie! You can talk!
Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] I've always been able to talk. I just save it
for special occasions like somebody's rrr'irthday.
Frasier: Yes, Eddie, thank you very much. But listen, I'd like to talk
about Dad. I think his mind may be slipping.

Martin enters with his microphone.

Martin: Hey, don't say things like that. He's a dog, he might not
know you're joking.
Frasier: Why, Dad, I didn't even know you were here! [smirks]
Martin: Well, just give me a couple more minutes and I'll have your
birthday breakfast all ready. Come on, Eddie!

Martin exits as Eddie follows him.

Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] Rrright behind you!

Frasier gives a glance out of the door as he begins to get up.

CUT TO: Living Room
Martin is pouring some coffee as Frasier enters in his dressing gown.

Frasier: Oh, well, that's very nice, Dad.
Martin: Oh, and look what I got. A newspaper from the day you were
born. [hands it to him]
Frasier: I keep telling you to clean out that closet of yours! [sits
down and reads it]
Martin: I ordered it!
Frasier: Yes well, let's just see what other wonders occurred on that
day. [laughs and reads] "SUSPECTED PINKO OUTED FROM CROSSING
GUARD POST” What a jolly world I was born into.
Martin: I know tonight's your party, but here. [lights a candle on a
cupcake] Happy birthday! Make a wish.
Frasier: Oh Dad, thank you.

Frasier stands. He bends over the table to blow it out – and freezes.

Martin: What's the matter?
Frasier: My back! [in pain] It's completely seized up!
Martin: Well, here...

Martin guides him back down into his seat.

Frasier: My God! It's been a little tender lately. I went to see the
doctor last week, he told me there was absolutely nothing
wrong with it.
Martin: Oh, doctors never tell you anything, they're all just a bunch
of overpaid quacks. [off Frasier's glare] Oh, I'm sorry, I
don't mean you. I'm talking about real doctors!
Frasier: [after he gives Martin a look] How can this be happening to
me? I'm always so conscientious about back safety. Why,
just the other day when I needed that large heavy stack of
books from down in the storage room, I insisted that Daphne
make three trips.
Martin: Well, you know what, I've got that old girdle in my bedroom.
Let me go get it.
Frasier: Dad, wait, I'm not going to wear anything called a girdle.
Martin: What if I call it a back-brace?
Frasier: Get it!

Martin does so and leaves the scene to his room. Then the doorbell
sounds. Frasier sits still motionless.

Frasier: [calls] Daphne!

However, she's not in. The doorbell rings twice more.

Frasier: Oh, God... Coming! [slowly gets up and edges to the door]
This wouldn't be taking me so long if my housekeeper were
here. [finally opens door to Daphne]
Daphne: I'm a physical therapist!
Frasier: Then perhaps you could get me into a chair!
Daphne: [supports him] Oh goodness, is your back bothering you again?
Oh, I'm sorry I made you get up. I forgot my keys.
Frasier: You know, perhaps you should get a spare set made just to keep
at Donny's. For God's sake, you're practically living there
as it is.
Daphne: [guides him to sofa] Oh, now, Dr. Crane. You better get used
to it. Once I'm married, I will be living there. [then] I
know what'll help that back, a nice massage.

Martin enters with the girdle.

Martin: Here we go.
Daphne: Oh, the girdle! That'll help.
Martin: Now, it's kinda hard to put on by yourself. But if Daphne
holds one end and I hold the other, you can kinda spin into
it.
Frasier: Please Dad, this is humiliating enough as it is.
Martin: What's humiliating about it? Look, you just hook it in the
back like a bra.
Frasier: Just give me that! [snatches it]

Frasier exits to his room struggling with the girdle.

Daphne: Mr. Crane, does it bother you when I stay over at Donny's?
Martin: No.
Daphne: Well, it seems to bother Dr. Crane.
Martin: Oh, he's just cranky because of his back.

Daphne pours herself a cup of coffee, noticing the paper that Martin
gave Frasier.

Daphne: Good Lord! Queen Elizabeth had another baby! I don't care
what science can do, it's just not right.

[N.B. A slight discontinuity here – Frasier’s birth year has been given
as 1952. Queen Elizabeth’s second child, Princess Anne, was born in
1950, two years after her brother Charles. Elizabeth did not give
birth again until 1960.]

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Radio Station.
Roz is preparing for the show in her booth. Connie enters Frasier's
booth with some flowers for Frasier, as Frasier hobbles inside with
her, he is using a cane.

Frasier: [referring to Connie placing the flowers on the console]
Oh, that'll be fine right there, be sure to thank the g*ng
for the flowers, Connie.
Connie: You're welcome, Dr. Crane. Happy Birthday. [exits]
Roz: [realizes] Birthday? [then quickly] Happy birthday, Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz. Not off to the best start though, my back is
out.
Roz: Why don't you go home? We'll just air "The Best of Crane."
I'll drop your gift by later.
Frasier: No, no, Roz. I promised my listeners that I'd read a
birthday address.
Roz: [searching for a gift to give him] Well, people might have
forgotten, people do have busy lives, you know. [notices a
book on the side]
Frasier: No, Roz, I announced it twice. Anyone paying the slightest
attention would know.

Roz takes a gift bag with shoes in it, empties the shoes out and puts
the book inside the gift bag.

Frasier: What are you doing over there?
Roz: Just, wondering when to surprise you with your... present!
[holds up gift bag]

Roz enters Frasier's booth and hands it over.

Frasier: Oh, Roz.
Roz: Yes, now is as good a time as any.
Frasier: You know, we keep promising each other that we're not going
to do this. We've got to stop spoiling one another.
Roz: Well, what am I supposed to do? Just forget your birthday?
Frasier: [looks at book] Oh, Good Lord, Roz. You know, I read the
most wonderful review of this recently.
Roz: I hope you like it.
Frasier: Oh look, you've inscribed it.
Roz: [worried] I did?
Frasier: [reads] "You'll always be my baby."
Roz: I must have had a glass of wine when I wrote that.
Frasier: [reads] "Love, Mom."

Roz, ashamed, goes back to her tasks as Niles enters with a gift bag.

Niles: There's our bent and broken birthday boy.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: I've brought you a little gift. Say hello to sweet salvation,
the "Lumbar Log."
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. [takes it and props it behind his back]
I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.
Niles: Well, that's very possible. Birthdays can be anxiety-
provoking, especially for people of a certain age.
Frasier: I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the
middle of "not a kid anymore." I won't be "of a certain age"
for another ten years.
Roz: You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a
magazine article with an exercise that might help. You
just go someplace where nobody can hear you and list all
the things that bug you.
Frasier: In what esteemed medical journal did you find this little
tidbit - "Cosmo"?
Roz: No, [proudly] "Glamour"!
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of
lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find
my G-spot."
Roz: I said do it someplace private!
Niles: You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it's absurd.
Niles: Hmm, the more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's
something you're trying to avoid.
Roz: Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles. You know, the same
article said if you rub a raw potato...
Niles: If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.
Roz: OK.
Frasier: Nobody's going to sell me on anything. That sort of exercise
only helps people who lack self awareness. I for one am...
[spasm of pain] God almighty!
Niles: Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe
to run.
Roz: Thirty seconds, Frasier. [enters her booth]
Niles: All right, I'll be off. You take care of yourself, I'll see
you tonight. [exits]
Roz: Are you sure you're up to this?
Frasier: Oh, I'll be fine, Roz. I'm not as delicate as all that.
Roz: How did you do it anyway?
Frasier: Blowing out a cupcake.
Roz: You know, Frasier, we can always put on "The Best of Crane."
Frasier: No, no, Roz. Now, just have a little bit of faith in me.
I'm a lot tougher than that. Tell you what, if I feel like
I need help towards the end of the show, I'll give you a
little signal, all right? [shows her an example of her signal]
Roz: All right, five seconds.
Frasier: Gosh you know, these flowers really are beautiful. [on air]
Good afternoon, Seattle.

Frasier takes a sniff of the flowers, causing him to sneeze, forcing his back
to move and causing him to scream in pain. He sneezes again and screams again
as Roz puts a hand to her earphones. He sneezes a third time and falls off
his chair in agony. Niles runs in from the corridor as Frasier rolls around
on the floor. His hand comes up from under the console and signals Roz.

FADE TO:

EDWARD CRANE, PH.D.


Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
The apartment is empty as Frasier enters on the shoulder of Niles.

Niles: Hello! Anyone here? [no reply]
Frasier: I guess they're all out.
Niles: [hurrying across room to sofa] Okay, well let's just get you
settled!
Frasier: Niles, Niles, slow down. For God's sake, we're not running a
three-legged race. [falls onto sofa] Do you have somewhere
to be?
Niles: Well, since you bring it up, I do have a luncheon with my
new lady love.
Frasier: Oh, well, gosh, I'd hate to have my pain stand in the way of
that! How could that orthopedist of yours tell me there was
nothing wrong?
Niles: Frasier, I looked at the x-rays myself, this is not a skeletal
problem. There, now you're all fine and I'm sure Dad will be
by soon.
Frasier: No, wait. This couch has absolutely no support. [points to
chair with ottoman] Let's try that chair over there, please.
Niles: All right. [picks him up] You're not heavy, you're my brother.

Niles and Frasier slowly move over to the chair.

Frasier: How could you take me to that unprofessional hack? All he did
was give me a bottle full of horse tranquilizers. He didn't
care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted
to shut me up!
Niles: I think it might be time for one of those pills!

He settles Frasier on the chair in a most obscure way. He is kneeling
on the ottoman with his forehead resting on the chair back. He looks
like a contortionist.

Niles: All comfy?
Frasier: This won't do, it's even harder than a seat on a public bus.
Niles: Oh, when were you ever on a bus?
Frasier: At a cocktail party once for the "Friends of Transit."
Niles: I wasn't invited to that.
Frasier: Will you just help me up, for God's sake! [he does] Oh God,
you know, maybe I should take another one of those pills.
Niles: All right, I'll get you a glass of water, okay?
Frasier: Right.

Niles rushes into the kitchen and talks from offstage. Whilst Niles
is speaking Frasier takes the pills from his pockets and wanders over
to Martin's chair slowly.

Niles: [o.s.] You know, things are really going well with Mel. I've
been out with her almost every night. I don't want to jinx
things but I dare say we're well on our way to becoming what
might almost pass as an item.

Frasier falls down into Martin's chair as Niles enters with a glass
of water.

Niles: I mean it, Frasier, she is just the... [notices him] Oh my God,
did you fall?!
Frasier: No, I’m actually quite comfortable, Niles. And look, there's
no glare on the television... and here's a lovely place to set
your drink. [he does]
Niles: Just give me your hand and whatever the chair's telling you,
don't listen.
Frasier: No, it's helping my back actually. You know, and when you
sit in it, you don't have to look at it.
Niles: If you're really interested in correcting this problem and
not just medicating it, you should consider that technique
Roz mentioned - you know, listing your problems aloud.
Frasier: Oh, give me a break.
Niles: It's perfectly possible that this is connected to some
submerged anxiety. What's bothering you?
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles, you really expect me to sit here all alone
in some apartment, prattling on endlessly about my problems
like some sort of a lunatic. [Niles slowly leaves unnoticed
by Frasier] If you think I'm going to do that, you're the
one who needs to get his head examined...

He notices Niles’s disappearance. Then Frasier sits quietly before
Eddie runs from behind him and jumps onto his knee.

Frasier: Oh, good God! Oh, Eddie, please just shoo! Get off me, get
off me!

Eddie jumps onto the sofa and stares at him.

Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well,
here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me...
I'm another year older today. I suppose that bothers me,
but not as much as people seem to think. [takes pills] I'm
still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share
my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and
Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married
soon. That's going to be tough on Dad.

Pause.

Frasier: Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been
nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been
going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate
woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque
with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably
be twice as lonely. Well, it's quite a realization, isn't
it?

Daphne walks on in her dressing gown fresh from a shower, unnoticed
by Frasier.

Frasier: I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got
to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the
chance.

Daphne, worried by these comments, walks back to her room again.

Frasier: Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the
painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try
this. [pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair]
Ah...

Eddie buries his head under the pillow.

Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his
hour is up.

Daphne enters, acting.

Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here, I can't hear
anything in that shower of mine, it's like a soundproof vault!
Frasier: Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you
this morning.
Daphne: It's fine.
Frasier: No, it's not. It's never fine. Listen, come here, please.

She does but reluctantly.

Frasier: Give me a hug.

She hugs keeping a distance between his body and hers.

Frasier: Oh Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?
Daphne: [worried] I'm getting an idea!

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is sat at the dining table staring into space as Martin enters.
He notices Daphne's behavior.

Martin: [enters] Hey, Daph. [no response] What's wrong? Are you all
right?
Daphne: Well, actually no. I overheard something I wasn't supposed to
hear. It's about Dr. Crane. I overheard him say he's in love
with me.
Martin: What?
Daphne: And he wants to show me how much he loves me while he still
has the chance.
Martin: Oh, jeez, not this!
Daphne: You knew about this?
Martin: I'm not getting in the middle of this!
Daphne: Then it's true?
Martin: Look, I kept my mouth shut for six years, I'm not saying
anything now. [exits to kitchen]
Daphne: [gobsmacked] Six years?! He's felt this way for six years?!
Martin: [o.s] You didn't hear that from me!

Frasier enters from his room in a robe.

Frasier: Daphne. Daphne, I can't lower myself into the tub.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me!
Frasier: No, I thought I'd skip the bath and take you up on that
massage you offered. Those expert hands of yours might
be just what the doctor ordered. [slyly] Let's do it in
my bedroom, shall we?

Daphne collects herself and slowly walks to Frasier's bedroom.

CUT TO: Frasier's Bedroom.
Frasier is waiting as Daphne enters. She is still in her robe.

Frasier: What kept you? [Daphne murmurs] Daphne, here, just help me out
of this robe, please. I nearly k*lled myself putting it on.

She does slowly and covers her eyes in case of "gratuitous nudity."
She folds the robe up, glad to see that Frasier is wearing pants.
He goes onto the bed and Daphne apprehensively goes to him.

Daphne: [breathes] Here we go! Now, remember, your back's very
tender, so no sudden movements.

Daphne slowly moves towards the back with her hands. She is very
scared. Her fingertips press lightly onto his back and he lets out
a groan of pleasure. Daphne quickly removes her hands and gets off
the bed.

Daphne: You know, I'm catching a draft in this robe, perhaps I
better change.
Frasier: I'll be waiting!
Daphne: [looks back in disgust] Ooh!

Daphne exits down the hallway before Martin arrives to see Frasier.

Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: Did Daphne tell you?
Frasier: Tell me what?
Martin: She found out Niles has a thing for her.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Yes.
Frasier: How?!
Martin: Well, she said she overheard him earlier saying how much he
loves her.
Frasier: Oh, dear God, no wonder she's been so distracted. What did
you say, did you confirm it?
Martin: Well, yes, I said I knew about it.
Frasier: Oh, Dad...
Martin: Well come on, what else was I going to say?! And then I told
her it was none of my business and I took off out of there.
Frasier: [thinks] Wait a minute! How did she even see Niles today?
Martin: I don't know, but she said she overheard him saying he loves
her and that he wanted to tell her while he still has the
chance.
Frasier: [realizes] Oh, no!
Martin: What?
Frasier: I said that.
Martin: [groans] Oh, not you now!
Frasier: No, no, no, Dad, not that. I was just doing a little exercise
to try and help my back and I was talking out loud about how
much I was going to miss Daphne. She must have overheard me
and misunderstood.
Martin: Who were you talking to?

b*at.

Frasier: If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.
Martin: [smirks] Helps, doesn't it!
Frasier: Oh, stop it. Thanks to you, now Daphne thinks I'm in love
with her. Here I am asking her for a massage, how is she
expected to interpret that?!

Daphne enters with a big woolly jumper on.

Martin: [noticing her] Hard to say! [exits]
Frasier: Oh, Lord.
Daphne: Just take a deep breath and try to relax.
Frasier: Daphne...
Daphne: Let's both do that, shall we? [breathes deeply]
Frasier: Daphne, Dad told me that you overheard me.
Daphne: He did?
Frasier: Yes.
Daphne: Well, I certainly picked the wrong person to confide in.
Frasier: No, no, no, I'm glad he told me, because the truth is you
misunderstood. You see, when I said how much I cared about
you, I didn't mean it in a romantic sense.
Daphne: [hopeful] Then you don't love me?
Frasier: Oh, no, of course I love you, Daphne, but as a friend, that's
all!

Daphne bursts into laughter and relief as she hugs him.

Daphne: Oh thank God! What a relief! I mean I was flattered, but...
[laughs]
Frasier: That's fine, off you go... [his head spins] Oh my, my head.
Daphne: It must be those pills. Come on, let me give you that
massage while you can still feel it.
Frasier: All right.

Daphne takes her jumper off and pushes Frasier onto the bed. She
kneels beside him and massages him. Frasier begins to relax.

Frasier: You know, Daph, we really are going to miss you around here.
Daphne: It's going to be hard for me too. Something I haven't even
wanted to think about - leaving. I know I grumble a bit, but
I do love you and your father. I'll still come around though,
we'll still see each other.
Frasier: You know what?
Daphne: What's that, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Dad's chair.
Daphne: I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're heading.
[laughs]
Frasier: It's so comfortable!
Daphne: You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? [pause] You
know what's curious, though?
Frasier: Cats!
Daphne: [laughs] Yes! But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When
I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said
it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that... he meant Niles!

KA-BOOM!!!

This revelation shocks Daphne into a state of confusion. This is the
turning point of the show.

Daphne: What?
Frasier: Niles... he's crazy about you!
Daphne: [transfixed in mental conflict] Dr. Crane? [then to Frasier]
Dr. Crane!

But he's already fallen asleep.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Bedroom.
A few hours later Frasier is woken up once again by Eddie with his
voice box.

Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] Come on, Rrr'irthday Boy. Wakey, Wakey, time
for Cakey!
Frasier: Dear God! Has a year passed already?

CUT TO: Living Room
Meanwhile, the dining room table is set up with birthday decorations.
Eddie, Martin and Daphne are wearing party hats.

Daphne: [putting on her hat] Please, the elastic's pinching behind
my ears!
Martin: Oh, come on, it's just for a couple of hours.
Daphne: It's pulling my hair!
Martin: You don't hear Eddie complaining, do you? [v.o. as Eddie]
I rr'uv my hat!
Daphne: You know, I'm this close to breaking that thing into a
million pieces!

Frasier enters in his dressing gown.

Frasier: Well, isn't this festive! Oh, Daphne, by the way, thank you
for the massage, I think it did just the trick.
Daphne: Anytime, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Listen, just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have
said something I wish I hadn't.
Daphne: [worried] Yes?
Frasier: It's about Dad's chair, it may be comfortable but I still
want to get it out of here.
Daphne: [tense] Oh, that.
Frasier: Why, I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?
Daphne: Well... [then] No, no. And don't worry. [points at chair]
Mum's the word!

The doorbell sounds.

Daphne: [sarcastic] I'll get it!
Frasier: Why, thank you.

Daphne goes to the door as Martin talks to Frasier.

Martin: Did you straighten things out with Daphne?
Frasier: Yes, I did.
Martin: Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles's secret!
Frasier: Would you try to be more discreet! I can't pull your
chestnuts out of the fire every time!

Daphne opens the door to Niles. She looks very nervous and Niles can
sense something is up.

Niles: Good evening, Daphne.
Daphne: [tense] Dr. Crane.
Niles: You look different somehow. [covering?] Have you done
something new with your hair?

Daphne points to her hat and takes it off, symbolically removing her
badge of office. She is now a new person.

Niles: That must be it!

Niles, confused by her actions, goes to greet Frasier and wish him
many happy returns as Daphne looks him up and down from afar with
silent eyes.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Frasier goes into the living room in his bathrobe with a glass of
sherry. He looks around surreptitiously, finds he's alone, and
lowers himself with a blissful sigh into Martin's chair. Martin
comes in behind him and leans over to meet Frasier as he reclines
into the chair. Frasier is startled and sits up abruptly.