08x20 - The Wizard and Roz

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. Frasier is sitting at the dining table, reading. Daphne and
Niles come in the front, wearing athletic clothes.

Daphne: Hello
Niles: Hey.
Frasier: Ah, the weekend warriors have returned.
Daphne: Yeah. You better watch out, Dr. Crane, I'm getting pretty
good at kickboxing.

She does a high kick at him.

Niles: It's true. She hits so hard they're calling her "The British
Pound."
Daphne: You hit pretty hard yourself there, "Nails." [She kisses him.]
I'm going to hop in the shower.

She heads for her room.

Frasier: "Nails"?
Niles: Oh, you scratch one guy... Oh, my electrolytes are plummeting.
Care to join me in a sherry?
Frasier: Ah, actually, I'd love to, Niles, but I'm off to see Dr.
Tewksbury.

He gets up and puts the book away.

Niles: Oh, I didn't realize your mentor was still in town.
Frasier: Yes, and because of it, I've been the fortunate recipient of
some informal therapy. It's really been quite enlightening.
You know, I consider myself lucky to be in the hands of such
a master.
Niles: Well, I'm happy for you, Frasier. He is a gifted psychiatrist,
even if I don't share your god-like worship of him.
Frasier: Oh, I simply have a healthy respect for the man, Niles.
It's hardly worship.
Niles: Oh, please. You're one step away from seeing his image appear
in a tortilla.

Daphne comes hurrying from her room in her bathrobe.

Daphne: Niles, thank heavens you're still here!
Niles: What's wrong?
Daphne: You can't go to Nervosa today.
Niles: Why not?
Daphne: I just had a psychic vision that something bad's going to
happen to you.
Niles: Oh, come on, Daphne...
Daphne: Niles, I'm serious! I know you don't believe in visions,
but it's important to me. Promise me you won't go.
Niles: All right, if it means that much to you, I won't go. I'll go
straight home.
Daphne: Thank you. I feel much better. [She gives him a kiss.] I'll
see you later.

She heads to her room again. Frasier opens the door and Niles turns
to leave with him.

Frasier: Wow, that was scary.
Niles: Don't tell me you believe in that stuff...
Frasier: No, I meant the way she can manipulate you like that.
Niles: Oh, please, I was just being diplomatic.
Frasier: Tell me, is it difficult to kickbox without a spine?
Niles: You’re gonna find out.

They exit. FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa

Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table, drinking coffee and reading.
Roz comes in with some bags.

Roz: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Oh, been on a shopping spree, I see.
Roz: Yes, Alice is been visiting her grandmother for the week.
So, I finally have some time to myself. I tell you, it's
great shopping without her pulling down a display rack. Not
only that, I actually woke up today without someone jumping
on the bed and sticking her little fingers up my nose.
Frasier: Yes.
Roz: And I didn't have to spend half the morning combing knots out
of that little girl's curls...
Frasier: [hands her his cell phone] Give Alice my love.
Roz: [getting up] Thank you, I will.

Roz goes off to make her call. Niles steps into the doorway.

Niles: Psst, Frasier. Can you get me a latte?
Frasier: Why don't you just get it yourself, Niles? Oh, that's right:
it's bad moogambo for you to enter.
Niles: You know I promised Daphne.
Frasier: [rising] Yes, yes, and woe betide he who disobeyeth the oracle!
Niles: All right, all right, wait. Maybe if I get it to go, and
don't sit down, I won't actually be breaking my promise to
Daphne.
Frasier: Step aside everybody, big set of onions coming through!

Niles gives him a dark look as he steps to the counter.

Niles: Latte to go, please.

Frasier sits back down. Dr. Tewksbury comes in.

Tewksbury: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Dr. Tewksbury. Well, gosh, this is quite a surprise. What
are you doing here?
Tewksbury: Well, I've heard you mention how good their coffee is here,
I thought I'd give it a try. May I join you?

As he sits, Roz and Niles both come over.

Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. I'm terribly sorry. Oh, Roz, meet Dr.
Tewksbury. Dr. Tewksbury, this is my producer Roz Doyle.
And my brother Niles. Niles, Dr. Tewksbury.
Niles: Hello, how do you do?
Tewksbury: I don't believe we've ever met, but I seem to recall
reading a fascinating paper of yours recently.

Niles seems flattered and reaches for a chair.

Niles: Oh, yes, it was probably the one about phobias. Oh, can't
sit, can't sit.
Frasier: It's a long story. Anyway, Dr. Tewksbury, I was just
wondering, did you happen to read the article on behavior
modification in...
Tewksbury: Now, Frasier, let's not talk shop. You don't want to bore
Roz.
Roz: Oh, it's all just white noise to me, now. [Tewksbury laughs]
Frasier: Yes, all right. Niles, please, would you stop hovering and
please sit down?
Niles: All right. What could it hurt?

He sits down just as Daphne comes in the door.

Daphne: Niles!
Niles: Daphne!

He jumps up, banging his knee on the table.

Daphne: How could you come down here? You broke your promise!
Niles: And my patella!
Daphne: Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention
to my premonition!
Niles: Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't
shown up.
Daphne: Well, it wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up.
Niles: Well, it wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown
up!
Daphne: And I wouldn't have shown up had I not known that you wouldn't
have been able to not come down here!
Niles: Well, I'm not... not... not... what?
Daphne: My point exactly! You don't listen.

She rushes out. Niles tries to follow her but stops from the pain.

Niles: Daphne!
Frasier: Niles, Niles, you all right?
Niles: Oh, no, I've aggravated my old bossa nova injury.
Frasier: Well, perhaps I better drive you. I'm sorry, Dr. Tewksbury.
Tewksbury: I understand.
Frasier: Bye, Roz.
Roz: Bye!

Frasier helps Niles out the door.

Tewksbury: Well, what was that all about?
Roz: Well, she thinks she's psychic, but he doesn't believe her.
Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up
stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from
years of practice.
Roz: No, no. She's not his patient, she's his girlfriend.
Tewksbury: Oh, well in that case, no matter who's right or wrong,
HE's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.

Roz laughs. FADE OUT.

DON'T FORGET
THE GEIGER COUNTER
AND THE DIVINING ROD


Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. Niles is on the couch, Frasier is by the bookcase.

Frasier: Is there anything I can get you, Niles? Perhaps a cold pack,
perhaps?
Niles: No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use
her icy stare. Frasier, if you don't mind, I'm going to have
to cancel on the opera tonight.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, you know I hate going to the opera alone.
Throwing a woman's shawl over the seat next to me and
glancing expectantly back at the ladies room all night.
Niles: You do that?
Frasier: No!
Niles: Hey, why don't you ask Dr. Tewksbury if he'd like to go?
Frasier: Oh, no.
Niles: Oh, come on. Ever since his divorce I'm sure he's anxious
to get out of the house.
Frasier: Well, we're in a quasi-therapeutic relationship right now.
Truth be told, I was actually a little uncomfortable
socializing with him at Nervosa.
Niles: Oh, I understand. You don't want to see the wizard behind
the curtain. Everyone needs an idol, someone who represents
a higher plateau of truth and knowledge.
Frasier: Very insightful, Niles. For so many years I must have
represented that plateau to you.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier, laughter is indeed the best medicine.

They share a chuckle. Daphne comes in from her room.

Niles: [rising] Oh, Daphne. My knee's feeling much better.
Daphne: [deadpan] Oh, good.

She goes into the kitchen.

Niles: Well I hope she doesn't expect me to run in there after her.
Frasier: Good for you, Niles!
Niles: With this knee I can only hobble.

And he proceeds to hobble in there after her.

Reset to: the kitchen as he enters.

Niles: Daphne, I'm sorry.
Daphne: Are you sorry for breaking your promise or for not believing
me?
Niles: I'm sorry for breaking my promise.
Daphne: So you still don't believe I had a premonition?
Niles: Well, it wasn't a premonition...
Daphne: It certainly was! I told you if you went to Nervosa, something
bad would happen, and you hurt your knee. What more proof do
you need?
Niles: Something a little more scientific than that, I'm afraid.
Daphne: You need scientific proof? Well, I think we can do something
about that.
Niles: What do you mean?
Daphne: There are people around who do this sort of research.
Niles: Are those people here now?

He smiles and she smacks his arm.

Daphne: No! I'm talking about legitimate professionals.
Niles: All right, all right. But it has to be a real scientist.
Not some huckster who comes here with crystals and a ghost-
o-meter.
Daphne: As long as you have an open mind. And it's pronounced
"ghost-ah-meters".
Niles: I'm glad we worked this out.
Daphne: Me too.
Niles: And now that we've made up, maybe we could...

He grins suggestively.

Daphne: Well, I guess we know who's not psychic.

She walks out as Niles bemoans another lost moment. FADE OUT.

THE DOCTOR MAKES
A HOUSE CALL


Scene 4 - Roz's Apartment – a few days later

Fade in. There is a knock at the door. Roz, in her nightgown and
robe, opens the door to reveal Frasier.

Roz: Frasier! I thought you were the pizza guy.
Frasier: I thought we were writing promos tonight. You forgot, didn't
you?
Roz: NO! Yes. I'm sorry.

Dr. Tewksbury comes in from the other room wearing one of Roz's short
silk robes.

Tewksbury: Pizza! We're gonna have pizza! We... [stops and puts on
his glasses] Frasier! Hello. What are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, just, ah... wearing clothes.
Tewksbury: Oh, right.
Roz: Frasier brought over some work from the office.
Tewksbury: Ah. I'll just... go get dressed.

He hurries off to the other room. Roz turns back to Frasier.

Frasier: I've gone blind. And ten seconds too late. So, since when
have you and Dr. Tewksbury been seeing each other?
Roz: Well, uh, the other day at Nervosa we really hit it off after
you left and he asked me out for dinner and... we've been out
every night since.
Frasier: Really? Well, I must say I'm a bit surprised.
Roz: Why? He's smart, very insightful. and he's such a great
listener.
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm happy for you, Roz. It's just a little
difficult imagining the two of you together.
Roz: You don't think I can appreciate a sophisticated man? You
know, it's not just about sex for me, Frasier.

Dr. Tewksbury comes back in.

Tewksbury: Uh, do you have a stepladder? My pants are stuck in the
ceiling fan.

Roz and Frasier share a look and, realizing neither is really the
winner, Frasier walks off and Roz closes the door. FADE OUT.

Scene 5 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office

Fade in. Frasier is settling down with Dr. Tewksbury for a session.

Tewksbury: Frasier, listen. Before we begin, I hope it wasn't too
awkward seeing me with Roz last night.
Frasier: Not at all. Well, it was just a little... jarring to see
you out of context that way. But your personal life is
your business. Speaking of which, let's, let's get down
to business: The Crane mind!
Tewksbury: Yes, let us.

Looking at Dr. Tewksbury, Frasier gets a flash of him in Roz's robe.

Tewksbury: Now, last time we had just broached the subject of your
father's expectations and their effect on your early
adulthood.

Frasier tries to control his upset at the image of the robed doctor,
unsuccessfully. He grows more uncomfortable as Tewksbury sits on the
desk and puts a hand behind his head.

Tewksbury: As we know, the internalization of a parent's moral code is
crucial to the development of a superego. And considering
the strict nature of your father's strictness... Frasier,
is everything all right?

Frasier again sees Tewksbury in his suit.

Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. Please, continue.
Tewksbury: Well you must admit that having a father whose very job
is the enforcement of the moral code, would lead to an
overdeveloped superego.

As he leans across the desk, the image of him in the robe once again
appears to Frasier.

Tewksbury: I believe I have a paper on this subject.

He goes to a filing cabinet and leans down to the bottom drawer,
making Frasier VERY uncomfortable.

Tewksbury: It's right here.

Frasier tries to look away and back, but the image won't go away.
FADE OUT.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment

Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, reading. Frasier comes in
the front door.

Frasier: Oh, hey, Dad.
Martin: Hey.
Frasier: How was your day?
Martin: Why don't you just tell me what happened to you?
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: Well, you know how my day goes: play with Eddie, watch TV,
do my stretches. You only ask so I'll ask you about your
day, so I'm askin'.
Frasier: I am hurt. You're my father, of course I care about your day.

He sits on the couch.

Martin: Oh, well, uh, I played with Eddie, watched TV, did my
stretches.
Frasier: Oh, good.
Martin: So, how was...
Frasier: I just came from Dr. Tewksbury. Throughout the entire session,
I just couldn't focus on anything he was saying.
Martin: Wasn't he talkin' about you?
Frasier: Yes, yes, but recently I saw him in... well, a less than
dignified light. And ever since, I've just found it
impossible to take him seriously.
Martin: I know exactly what you're talking about. In Korea, I had
this commanding officer, Lieutenant Franks. I would have
followed that guy into the gates of hell. I saw him a few
years later, he was flippin' hamburgers in a fast food place.
That was hard to handle. I mean this guy took me under his
wing and molded me.
Frasier: Like a mentor?
Martin: Yeah, exactly. He always used to say that one day he'd be
takin' orders from me. I just never thought it'd be for
extra onions.
Frasier: So how did you handle it?
Martin: Well, I just realized it was my problem, not his. And I
wasn't gonna let it erase all that he'd meant to me. So
I marched right back into that kitchen and saluted him.
And after we were talkin' a while, I realized nothin' had
changed. He was still the same hard-chargin' man's man
who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty. Which is why I
never ate there again.

Frasier and Martin share a laugh. Daphne and Niles come in from
her room.

Niles: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on
the way over and we'd like to use the living room.
Martin: [rising] Ooh, fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway.
Frasier: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those
tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and
lucky guesses.
Daphne: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky
guesses psychiatry is based on.
Martin: [smugly] Thank you.

He goes off to his room.

Niles: Don't worry, I will thoroughly appraise the examiner and his
testing methods.

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: Good luck.

He leaves.

Niles: That'll be him.

Niles opens the door. The researcher is there.

Niles: Come in. I'm Dr. Niles Crane, this is Daphne Moon.
Daphne: Hello.
Morey: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Morey.
Niles: Oh, doctor? Doctor of...?
Morey: Spookology! [then] Kidding. That's just what most people
expect. Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle
University.
Niles: Really? Please, have a seat.
Morey: Thank you.
Niles: So, hmm, you're more of a debunker.
Morey: Well, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles
to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing
would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic.

He sits.

Niles: Oh, so, then you've never found one.
Morey: Well, if by "psychic" you mean people with above-normal
prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could
b*at the house in Vegas, then no. I thought I had one
for a while, but, uh... no.
Niles: So, Daphne, do you still want to go through with this?
Daphne: I'm ready if you are.
Niles: All right, Doctor, she's all yours.
Morey: Great. Now, I've got a card...
Daphne: Ace of spades!
Morey: ...with my office and fax number on it.
Daphne: And your address!
Morey: Correct.

He hands the card to Niles.

DISSOLVE TO: later,

Daphne and Morey are at the dining table and he's giving her a standard
test with cards.

Daphne: Star... Circle.
Morey: And finally?
Daphne: Circle.
Morey: That's it. That was your final test.
Daphne: And I'm psychic, right?
Morey: Well, first we have to compare your results to those of the
rest of the control group. It'll just take me a few minutes
to run these numbers, okay?

Daphne gets up and goes over to Niles.

Niles: So? How do you think you did?
Daphne: I think I did pretty well on the cards. The premonition test
was a little tricky, but all in all I was in the zone.
Niles: Well, we'll soon find out.
Morey: You know, Daphne, I'm always curious: when was it that you
first suspected you had psychic ability?
Daphne: Oh, years ago, when I was a little girl. Grammy Moon first
saw the gift in me. See, I was a girl in a house full of
boys, which I hated, until Grammy told me that only Moon women
had second sight. She had it, her mother had it and so on.
After that, I noticed I could sense things before they
happened, sort of like a secret power. Anyway, it's just
always been a part of who I am.
Morey: I see. Well, we have your results.
Daphne: All right. I don't know why I'm a bit nervous.
Morey: So, Daphne, from what I see here...
Niles: Wait, uh... Wait. I don't think we should this, I don't want
to know.
Daphne: What do you mean?
Niles: I'm sorry, I think this was a bad idea.
Daphne: Well, I thought you wanted scientific proof.
Niles: I changed my mind. I don't need a stranger telling me...
anything about who you are. I want us to get to know each
other on our own. Over time.
Daphne: I knew you were going to say that!
Niles: You did?
Daphne: No, but I loved hearing it.

She kisses him.

Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Morey, we wasted your time.
Morey: It's okay. The dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we
were waiting.

Niles and Daphne look unsure about this.

Morey: I'm kidding. They weren't that funny.

Daphne and Niles aren't quite sure how to react. FADE OUT.

THE BIG CITY PROVES
TOO MUCH FOR PETERSON


Scene 2 - Tewksbury's Office

Fade in. Frasier is again sitting in front of Tewksbury's desk,
receiving analysis.

Tewksbury: All right, Frasier, let's start with our last session.
As I recall, you were having difficulty getting rid of
a certain image in your mind?
Frasier: That is correct.
Tewksbury: Well, perhaps we should confront that.

He pulls out the robe.

Frasier: Oh, dear lord, I assumed that was Roz's.
Tewksbury: It is. I was at her apartment this morning, I started
thinking about your issue with the robe, and I decided
to bring it with me. [He puts the robe on.] Now Frasier,
you consider me a competent psychiatrist, don't you?
Frasier: Of course I do.
Tewksbury: Does seeing me dressed like this diminish that?
Frasier: No, of course not. It's just, well... I know, on a conscious
level, that the garment does not change who you are. But
on, on an unconscious level, I'm all weirded out! You're
my mentor, and you're wearing Roz's robe.
Tewksbury: I'm still the same person.
Frasier: Yes, but, it's Roz's robe.
Tewksbury: And what does Roz's robe signify to you?

Tewksbury begins to pace.

Frasier: Roz.
Tewksbury: Then maybe this isn't about you and me. Maybe this is
about your relationship with Roz.

While Tewksbury's back is turned, a student comes in the door.

Tewksbury: Seeing me dressed like this brings up deep feelings. Don't
be afraid of those feelings, go with them. [He notices the
student.] Ah, Peterson. Here for your make-up test?
Peterson: I was. But I'll just take the D.

He leaves. Frasier and Tewksbury both realize there's not a lot they
can say.

FADE OUT.

Scene 3 - Roz's Apartment

Fade in. There is a knock at the door, Roz answers it to reveal
Frasier.

Roz: Oh, Frasier.
Frasier: You got a minute?
Roz: We're not supposed to be working, are we? 'Cause I'm kinda
busy right now.
Frasier: It's not about work.
Roz: Oh, come on in.

He enters.

Roz: Have a seat.
Frasier: Thanks.

They sit on the couch.

Frasier: Listen, uh, something's been troubling me ever since I saw
Dr. Tewksbury in your robe and, uh, at first I thought it was
about the toppling of a hero, but I've since discovered that
it's really about you.
Roz: Let me guess: I'm not good enough for your precious mentor.
Frasier: No, that's not it, Roz. Uh... When you were describing what
attracted you to Dr. Tewksbury, I couldn't help thinking
"That very well could have been me."
Roz: So?
Frasier: So, Roz, I've known you for, what, eight years now. And in
that time I've seen you date hundreds of...
Roz: Careful!
Frasier: All right, dozens of men. Yet you never showed any interest
in me. Well, except for that one drunken flirtation at the
station retreat.

The laugh at the memory.

Frasier: Well, anyway, I assumed it was because I wasn't your type.
Then I see you drawn to someone who's similar to me.
Roz: You're jealous?
Frasier: Well, no, not jealous, not exactly. It's more along the
lines of "Why everybody else and not me?"
Roz: Frasier, did you ever stop to think there may be something
special about not being picked?
Frasier: Roz, that didn't work when I was cut from pee-wee football,
it's not gonna work now.
Roz: Okay, I'll be honest with you. When we first started working
together, I had a little crush on you.
Frasier: Really?
Roz: Yeah, sure. I mean, you were handsome and sophisticated and
you had your French suits and your Italian shoes...
Frasier: Actually, it was vice-versa, but go on, go on.
Roz: But you were coming off this divorce, and you were my boss,
and the whole thing was just too weird, so I never acted on
it.
Frasier: And you were right. You were. Anyway, it's nice to know how
you felt. Thanks.
Roz: Sure.

They hug.

Frasier: So, just for the record, though: you did have the hots for
me?
Roz: Yes, yes.
Frasier: You're not just saying that?
Roz: No. But, can you imagine the two of us together?
Frasier: Oh, gosh, no. [rising] Strange idea, isn't it?
Roz: Really strange.
Frasier: Gosh, it's really hard to picture, isn't it? Of course, I
mean, it wouldn't be your problem. It would be all me, trust
me, all me. I mean, you're a perfectly wonderful person.
Roz: What are you doing?
Frasier: Well, I'm just saying how great you are.
Roz: No, you're giving me the "It's not you, it's me" speech. If
anyone should be giving that speech, it's me, not you.
Frasier: Well, whatever you have to tell yourself, Roz.
Roz: All right, get out!
Frasier: Sounds to me like somebody still has a soft spot for the ol'
boss man.
Roz: OUT!

She pushes him out and slams the door. FADE OUT.

Credits:

Roz is sitting with Tewksbury on her couch, he's in her robe again.
She hands him a gift bag. Looking in, he pulls out a nice man's robe.
He thanks her, then sets it aside and goes back to watching television
in her robe. Roz seems a bit disturbed by this.