09x12 - You'll Know the Bottom When You Hit It

[bunniefuu]

For those of you who were too f*ckin' busy, here's what happened last week on Shameless.

[rock music]

f*ck it.

♪♪♪ Aye, aye, matey.

Popcorn shrimp.

f*ck.

You ever worked on the line, Carl?

- In the kitchen?

- Grab an apron.

♪♪♪ Girls' day.

[Debbie]

It's a date.

[Kelly screams, laughs]

[Carl]

Yo, that's my sister and my girlfriend.

Which one's your sister?

Uh, she's macking on your girl, huh?

I'ma head upstairs right now.

I'd really like if you came with me.

No way.

She needs to see how it ends.

♪♪♪ I know how it ends.

- [squeals]

- ...unless there's something you're not telling me.

Agh!

Fine!

I didn't get a vasectomy.

I pretended to.

I'll reschedule the vasectomy right now.

[Ingrid]

Your father is gonna be the new Hobo Loco beverage spokesperson.

Soon I'll be able to support those I love.

Little Frank-ettes.

Frank'll be committed to my six babies, right?

- Not a chance.

- Frank, something's wrong.

- I'm in pain.

- What do you mean?

I am miscarrying.

Will you come with me, or will you stay?

[Frank]

I will be back.

I love you.

[Ingrid]

I didn't miscarry.

I was testing you to see if you gave a sh*t.

Good-bye, Frank.

[Frank]

Make it out to cash.

[Margo]

You smell like booze.

- You're fired.

- What?

Do you want to stay with me here?

Yeah, that'd be good.

I'm with DCFS, here to do a home safety check for a case opened up by Phillip Gallagher.

Any idea how much you f*cked this up for me?

The old Fiona would've handled this, would've spun sh*t,

- would've covered for me.

- What was I supposed to do?

I expected you to not be drunk in the middle of the day.

[Lip]

DCFS showed up unannounced.

Fiona answered the door f*cking drunk.

Okay, I'm pregnant.

- What are we gonna do?

- I don't know.

♪♪♪

[rock music]

♪♪♪

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Round up the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

[laid-back rock music]

♪♪♪ I don't have enough room for all my stuff.

Uh, okay.

Uh...

Here you go.

Use this.

♪♪♪ Um...

Jacket.

It's a million degrees outside.

Yeah, just in case.

♪♪♪ Oh, you want some magazines?

- No, thanks.

- No?

Uh...

your pillow, can't forget that.

That's your pillow.

Yeah, but you love it.

Go on, take it.

Okay, are you hungry?

Want me to make you something to eat or...

We just had breakfast.

Yeah, but, uh, for the road.

You want a sandwich or something?

- No, thanks.

- No?

All right.

[sniffles]

Um...

listen, I'll, um...

I'll come visit you, okay, you know, as soon as you get settled.

Okay.

I'm really sorry you have to leave.

You know, but I think it's the best thing for you right now.

Yeah.

It's gonna be fine.

[knock at door]

All right.

- Hey.

- Hey.

[Lip clears throat]

[Peter]

Well, how is everybody today?

- Good.

- [Peter]

Xan, you okay?

Yeah.

Good, good.

You, uh, ready to go?

I think so.

Okay, hey, um, you, uh...

- you got your phone?

- Yeah.

- [Lip]

And it's charged?

- [Xan]

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, you, um...

you call me when you get there, all right, just let me know you're safe?

All right.

And here, um, I got this for you for, uh...

for-for snacks and stuff, you know, whatever you need.

Oh.

I made this for you.

Oh, yeah?

Uh, where'd you learn how to make these?

Kelly taught me.

You know I can't wear this, right?

I'll get the sh*t b*at out of me.

I'm the pink and you're the purple.

You know there's an old man sleeping out front here?

Yeah.

Okay.

Are we ready?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll talk to you soon.

Don't be mad.

It's no one's fault.

[door slams]

[percussive rock music]

♪♪♪

- What's that?

- It's Fiona's sh*t.

Why is Fiona's sh*t in trash bags?

'Cause I told her to leave and she's still here.

Thought I'd give her a hand.

'Cause of Xan?

Yeah, 'cause of Xan and Jason and all the other f*cking things.

Okay.

Look, I'll see you later, all right?

I gotta catch Tami before work.

[Debbie]

You guys get into a fight or something?

No, she, uh...

she's pregnant.

Holy sh*t.

She gonna keep it?

Uh, I have no idea.

That'd be so cool.

Franny could have a little cousin.

Yeah, look, I don't know.

I just found out yesterday, Debs, so I don't know what the f*ck we're gonna do.

You guys could all live here.

Tami and I can take turns babysitting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

[door clicks open]

You want a cousin, right?

- Uncle Lip's baby.

- [door slams]

[rock music playing over speakers]

Good morning, former coworker.

Here we go.

No need to panic, Eliza.

I'm just here for my final paycheck.

Okay, sure.

I'll be right back.

Thanks.

Hey, you got my tip-out?

What?

My tip-out.

My share of the ti...

You know what a tip-out is, Karina.

Where are my tips?

Um, well, we didn't think that you were...

You guys just stole my f*cking tips?

Wow, that is cold.

That's okay, I'll just take this.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, what's up, Judas?

Hey, winner.

I'd refill your coffee, but I don't work here anymore, so...

Here you go.

- Oh...

- Jesus.

...you know those eggs aren't really cage-free, right?

The menu's full of lies.

Enjoy.

- Have you been drinking?

- Have you?

[scoffs]

You're drunk.

[chuckles]

f*ck you, Eliza.

You got your last paycheck.

Please leave, or I'll have to call the cops.

Oh, the cops.

Let's call them.

They can find out where my stolen tips went.

[exhales deeply]

[sighs]

[Lori]

Where's my Buccaneer Biscuits at?

KJ.

Going as fast as I can, Lori.

Buccaneer Biscuits selling like crazy.

Adding fried clams to the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit was a great idea.

Yeah?

Thanks.

Just a fry guy with big ideas who wants to serve his country.

You ever read The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell?

Uh, no.

Buccaneer Biscuits, tipping point.

Trust me, you're gonna go places.

I sell weed out the back.

I know you do, KJ, and I appreciate your desire for a better life.

But Carl here, he's helping us sell sh*t inside the store, okay?

You know, they used to call this place Mr.

Bob's.

They started calling it Captain Bob's when they added seafood to the menu.

Now it's all seafood.

That man's a g*dd*mn visionary.

Can I take my break now?

Sure, you can, rock star.

- Be back in ten, okay?

- Yeah.

Mmm, mmm.

[line beeps]

Hey, Kelly, it's me.

I'm at work right now.

You know those Buccaneer Biscuits?

They're a huge hit.

Yeah, it was my idea.

Did you know that?

So I'm pretty hyped about that.

You know, I should probably be getting back to it, though, so just want to make sure softball's going well.

Uh, give me a call later, all right?

Bye.

Miss and love you.

Bye.

[TV playing indistinctly]

Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.

[Tommy]

Well, the heat doesn't help.

You gotta get some AC in here, man.

We have an AC.

Thing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.

[air conditioner hissing]

Oh.

V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now?

'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.

No, baby, just leave ice on it.

[Tommy]

Be better in no time, Kev.

Hang in there, man.

[Kermit]

Yeah, hang in there, buddy.

- What's up?

- [Veronica]

Hey.

What's going on with him?

He had a vasectomy, little swelling.

[Kev]

Little swelling?

My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.

Why didn't V just tie her tubes?

Old-school, piece of cake.

[Veronica]

Okay, I'm right here.

I'll take this one.

Do you even know what you're saying?

A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body.

My sh*t is on the inside.

They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me.

I should slap your face.

Sorry, V.

You gon' live, baby.

[Veronica]

What is that?

Final paycheck.

Can you cash it?

Come on, it's only, like, bucks.

[cash register dings]

Oh, no, keep it.

[chuckles]

I am ready to drink.

What you havin'?

Vodka.

- Straight?

- Yeah.

Whoop, I made a vodka and cranberry.

My bad.

I'll make you some breakfast.

[power whirs down]

[Tommy]

What the f*ck?

[groans]

Oh.

Everyone, remain calm.

- Why would we not remain...

- Tsk, tsk.

People do crazy sh*t when the power goes out.

[man]

Hey, you guys got power?

[man]

No, you?

[man]

Mrs.

Williams, do you have power?

[Mrs.

Williams]

No.

[rock music]

♪♪♪

Blackout.

♪♪♪

♪ My mother don't want a man ♪

♪ 'Cause she loves and trusts in Jesus Christ ♪

♪ She don't want to see me with my friend ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love in a chain g*ng ♪

♪ Yes, I'm a man ♪

♪ You're my baby, you're my blood ♪

Professor.

♪ You're the sun when I'm alone ♪

- Been waitin'.

- ♪ You're my baby ♪

♪ You're my blood ♪

♪ You're the sun when I'm alone ♪

I have a generator.

Of course you do.

Wow.

No one in this neighborhood ever plans ahead.

The future is scary, Professor.

It's easier not to think about.

Unless there's money to be made.

[chuckles]

So, um, how much?

Cost plus percent.

Cost plus ten?

Okay, okay, .

Any word how long this is gonna last?

Too soon to say, but I'll see you in an hour if we still got a blackout.

All right.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

[Fiona]

V, calm down.

It's just a blackout.

The power will come back on eventually.

- It's not a big deal.

- When?

I'm sure they're already working on it.

The whole city's out.

They don't know how long it's gonna be.

[sighs]

[Kev]

Babe, what is going on?

What?

The steaks.

Steaks, what steaks?

[scoffs]

I bought cases of rib eye and a case of crab-stuffed sole.

What, in here?

Well, don't open it!

Why do we have a freezer full of meat?

I got it from a guy who said his truck broke down.

Gave me a good deal.

You did what?

Now it's all gonna go bad unless the power comes back on soon.

How much did you pay for this?

Five hundred.

What, $ ?

I was gonna do a surf and turf special, bucks, call it Funk Sole Brother.

I don't get it.

Sole, S-O-L-E, Funk Sole Brother.

Oh, yeah.

[Veronica]

We would've made over , bucks.

[Kev]

No, it's a great idea, if we had electricity!

Why do you think I've been freaking out?

This is the worst thing that has ever happened.

Anne Frank might beg to differ.

Just a minute ago, you were telling me to calm down, this is just a blackout.

That's before I knew we had a freezer full of meat.

f*ck the meat.

I need ice for my balls.

I could die.

[Veronica]

We need to sell the meat.

- We need ice for my balls!

- And cocktails.

[Kev]

The beer's gonna be warm.

Nothin' new there.

[Kev stammering]

I'm panicking.

I'm having a panic att*ck.

I'm hyperventilating.

[Veronica]

What are we gonna do?

Can I get another vodka cran while there's still ice?

[Kev breathing heavily]

I need a paper bag.

I need a paper bag!

I-I gotta close up.

I can't open the register.

I can't microwave sh*t.

- So can we leave?

- Leave?

This is the perfect time for a kitchen deep clean.

Start breaking down the grill and the fryers.

It's, like, degrees in here, Lori.

Unsafe work environment, unsafe work environment.

KJ, you were in prison.

How was that work environment?

Unsafe.

You can, uh, clean out the freezer.

Oh, sweet.

Uh, what about the stuff in the freezer?

Will it go bad?

We never said the seafood was fresh here.

[Carl]

Yeah, besides, the clams, cod, and shrimp...

All just a delivery system for tartar sauce.

God.

You just get it.

God.

So can I leave anyways?

What the hell do you have to do that's so urgent?

Nothing.

Come on, you know you can talk to me about anything.

- I want to hang out with Kelly.

- Oh, not this sh*t again.

- She's being weird.

- Can I give you some advice?

- Not really.

- Back the f*ck off.

All right, give her some space.

Women hate clingy guys.

But also, it's a blackout.

Blackouts mean sex.

There's nothin' else to do.

This is your chance to win back your lady.

Also, stick your finger in her butt.

Chicks like that.

- Right.

- She religious?

Uh, pretty much.

Finger that ass, but put it in your mouth first.

- Oh, okay.

- Okay.

[cell phone buzzing]

Hey.

[Carl]

Hey, did you get my message?

Uh, no, we're not supposed to be on our phones.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

You know there's a blackout, whole city.

- What?

- [coach]

Keefe!

- Off the phone now!

- sh*t, hey, I gotta go.

- Okay, bye.

- Uh, later.

Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey, can we talk?

I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

We need to talk.

- I'll be back in one minute.

- [woman]

Okay.

What the hell, dude?

Are you having the baby or not?

I have no idea.

Well, we need to talk about it.

"We"?

Oh, no, there's no f*cking "we" in this.

- This is my decision.

- All right, fine, then what do you think you're gonna do?

Okay, first...

this doesn't involve you at all, so you can go back to...

Yeah, it does involve me, though.

- Okay, f*ck off.

I'm not...

- All right, wait, wait.

All right?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, all right?

I just...

I want to talk about this.

All right, I mean, we need a plan, right?

Stop saying "we." Okay, I'm not trying to tell you what to do.

- Shh!

- I just...

If you decide to have the baby, I-I want to be a part of it.

Okay.

Fine.

Okay.

I gotta...

Look, DCFS came this morning and took Xan.

It's f*cking with me a little.

Yeah, you think?

Look, I'm sorry about Xan.

I am.

But I've only known I was pregnant for two days, so I don't know what I'm gonna do yet, okay?

- All right.

- But I got this.

Also, I gotta get back to work, all right?

Hey, sorry about that.

[lighter flicks]

Morning, Sweathogs.

Blackout, we got a blackout.

No sh*t, Frank.

That's why we're all sitting here in the dark.

Is the beer still cold?

Not really.

[Frank]

Sounds great.

I'll take one.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I got fired.

Well, congratulations.

You apply for unemployment yet?

My advice is, do it in person.

If you do it online, they'll pretend they never got the application.

Got it.

Well, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

I mean, f*ck them.

Being broke sucks, though.

Ah, you get used to it.

You just gotta be creative.

- Buy me a beer?

- [laughs]

That's funny.

You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows for me either, kiddo.

Ingrid left me.

Took all my children with her.

I'm still here.

My unborn children.

I don't think I'll ever get over it.

V, a sh*t of Jame-o, please.

Oh, my God, ow.

What's his problem?

Vasectomy.

Smart.

A substation blew up.

Gonna be at least another hours before the power's back up.

- What?

- God damn it.

Oh, we're screwed.

I'll be back.

Where is he going?

If you need a little walking-around money, you should hang out with me today.

Why would I do that?

Because of a little something I like to call "monetizing my neighbors' lack of foresight." You mean rippin' people off.

Completely legit.

No one prepares for blackouts around here, so they rush to the store for ice or batteries or what have you.

Too late, everything's sold out.

Panic ensues, and where there's panic, there's money to be made.

That's where I come in.

Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.

- So you gouge 'em.

- Really?

How's the view from up there, Miss High and Mighty?

Last time I checked, we were in the same freakin' bar drinking warm beer together.

Fair point.

Do I charge a little more?

Yes.

Double.

The peace of mind of a candle or fresh batteries, priceless.

- So you in or out?

- No, thanks.

Aw, come on.

I could use a pretty face.

It legitimizes the whole thing.

What's in it for me?

- After I recoup my cost, percent.

- Seventy.

Jesus Ch...

Who's gouging now?

Thirty.

Fifty percent, final offer.

No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank.

You're Frank.

Deal, .

Gallagher Blackout Supply.

[laughs]

Oh, Jesus.

- Hey.

- Hey.

How we supposed to get food?

We're not.

Fridge is gonna stay shut until the power's back on.

I thought you had work.

I did.

Got canceled 'cause of the blackout.

Yeah, mine too.

[cell phone whooshes]

[laughs]

Who's that?

Kelly.

This girl's insane.

She's not supposed to be on her phone.

Well, she is.

Because you keep texting her.

Stop texting her.

Carl, relax, we're friends.

[cell phone whooshes]

[laughing]

Oh, my God.

Yo, what the f*ck is so funny?

[laughs]

You are.

Look at you.

Debs, I'm serious.

Stop texting her.

Nobody likes a clinger.

- Whatever, I gotta go.

- Go where?

Going to Kelly's scrimmage.

Gonna bring her some orange Gatorade.

She needs to stay hydrated.

What the f*ck, you're going to her practices now?

It's a scrimmage.

Okay, plus, you don't need to be worrying about her being hydrated.

That's my job, and she likes lemon-lime.

Hmm, she asked for orange.

Orange, what the f*ck?

Carl, relax, we're friends.

All right, well, I'm gonna go, too, and bring her what she really likes, lemon-lime Gatorade.

Don't forget about Franny, by the way.

Damn it!

f*ck!

[bluesy rock music]

♪ Gold hair, gold ring ♪

♪ Gold ring, gold hair ♪

bucks' worth of f*cking meat.

♪ Gold hair like the ring on her hand ♪

♪ Ring on her hand ♪

Coats should insulate 'em.

♪ Oh, heaven, mercy ♪

♪ How I wish she ♪

- ♪ Was mine ♪

- ♪ Was mine ♪

♪ Was mine ♪

Few more coats.

♪♪♪

Ooh, uh, what about ice cream?

Should we get ice cream?

Too soon.

Give it another hour.

The stores'll panic.

They'll try to unload it before it thaws.

They'll drop the price.

We'll buy for half, sell for double.

Okay, damn, people don't care it's melt-y?

I got a line on dry ice.

It'll be nice and cold.

I told ya, kiddo, just gotta stay creative.

I know where we might be able to get some real ice.

- No sh*t?

- Mm-hmm.

♪♪♪ What are you looking for?

A wagon, something to put my supplies in.

A wagon?

No, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right, not some half-assed wagon situation.

We gotta, like, build a stand.

Like a booth?

Take half a day to set up.

No, it won't.

Hey, here, help me.

What are we doing?

We're being creative.

- [laughs]

- Dump.

♪♪♪ What the...

what did we...

I don't...

Hey, that's my kid's pool, m*therf*cker!

- [Frank]

Oh, sh*t.

- [Fiona]

Come on, come on, - come on, run, run.

- Oh, whoa.

♪ Cold, cold ground ♪

♪ Oh, heaven, mercy ♪

Hope he doesn't have a g*n.

f*ck!

♪ How I wish she was mine... ♪ f*ck!

They didn't take your key when they fired you?

No, they did.

I already made a copy.

To a hardware store, "do not duplicate" means "do not duplicate unless I give you ten bucks."

[chuckles]

Still frozen.

Ah, fantastic.

How about this?

It's empty and clean.

- Ready?

- Yep.

Wheel her over.

♪♪♪

♪ Well, I wish she was mine... ♪

♪♪♪

[grunting softly]

sh*t.

Can barely hold the wrench, man.

It's so f*cking sweaty.

I know.

Why isn't she calling?

I left her, like, five messages.

- Who?

- Xan.

f*ck!

God damn it, man.

Why are we even open today?

'Cause Mr.

Ryland's heading to Sturgis and needs his bike.

What's going on with you, man?

Tami's pregnant.

What?

[sighs]

Yeah.

Is it yours?

She says it is.

Oh, no, you got Tami pregnant?

Yeah, so?

I can't believe you got Tami pregnant.

- Why do you keep saying that?

- Well...

Hey, honey, Core.

[whispering]

I'm terrified of these women.

What, even your wife?

[whispering]

Terrified.

[Cami]

Did he tell you?

What?

No.

I don't know anything.

Did you tell him?

[Lip]

No.

Sorry, I got a conference call with a parts, uh, guy.

[Cami]

You upset Tami.

- Yeah, Tami's upset.

- Now we gotta f*ck you up.

Well, she didn't seem that upset.

I mean, how could you tell?

- She was f*cking crying, Lip.

- Tami was crying, really?

- What the f*ck did you say to her?

- Nothing, all right?

Uh, we talked about the baby, I said I want to be a part of it,

- and it's her decision.

- g*dd*mn right it's her decision.

If she does decide to keep it, you better not ghost her.

I won't, all right?

That's what I told her.

If you hurt her, we will f*ck you up.

Since when do you give a sh*t about Tami, huh?

- I thought you hated her.

- We will f*ck you up.

Look, I get it, okay?

I'm trying to do the right thing.

If she doesn't want to be around me, I don't know what I can do for you.

Don't f*ck with us.

Okay.

You know, you should get your sister a mood ring or something, you know, anything that lets me know how she's feeling.

You know, that would be great, all right?

- Is the goon squad gone?

- Yeah.

Tell you what.

Uh, take the day off.

I got this.

Yeah, why?

You're having a bad day.

Go home.

[upbeat music]

Got everything you need right here, folks!

- Step right up.

- Who's waiting on cold, soaked rags?

Here you go.

Thank you.

How much to charge a phone?

- It's a dollar a minute.

- Okay, I'll take five.

[Fiona]

Great.

- ♪ I'm bad as ♪

- ♪ Whoo ♪

♪ There's no stoppin' me ♪

♪ No stoppin' me ♪

♪ Get out of my way, I'm like a runaway train... ♪

[Frank]

Two waters, two beers comin' up.

♪ I got what you want... ♪

Could I get a battery over here?

Here you go.

Who wanted the bat...

There you go.

♪ Get ready for the major leagues ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All my life, I said ♪

♪ I'm gonna be one of the greats... ♪

Here you go.

Thank you.

Have a good day.

♪ Ain't nothin' about this fake ♪

♪ Oh, it's the real thing ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Oh, it's the real thing ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Got the heart of a lion, strong as iron ♪

♪ With a fire burnin' in my soul... ♪

- Beer.

Beer?

Beer.

- [Frank]

We got, uh...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

♪ Got a million-dollar swag, don't forget that ♪

♪ When you see me steppin', ooh ♪

♪ Again across the building, bring back the feeling ♪

♪ Damn right, I'm unstoppable ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ All my life, I said ♪

♪ I'm gonna be one of the greats... ♪

- Start a business, you know.

- Uh-huh.

We don't have to be at each other's throats all the time.

[laughs]

You're a good salesman.

What the f*ck?

You just need...

[Frank chuckles]

These are my clothes.

I'll take that chair if you don't want it.

f*ckin' Lip.

God!

- Hey!

- What the f*ck?

You put my sh*t on the f*cking curb?

f*ck, man.

The f...

- You can't f*cking do that!

- Yeah, well, - I want you f*cking out!

- This is my house!

I live here!

I live here!

- This is my f*cking house!

- Okay, okay, easy, easy, easy.

- I own this house!

- Easy.

The title is in my name!

- I'm not letting you live here!

- Okay.

All right, not with Liam and not with Franny!

No f*cking way!

- f*ck you!

- Look at you!

All right, you are f*cking pathetic.

You need to take a personal f*cking inventory!

Did you say inven...

You?

You AA people are all the same.

You want a g*dd*mn parade because you stand in front of other alcoholics and state the galactically obvious.

It's the very definition of narcissism.

Will you please take a drink and shut the f*ck up?

- Shut the f*ck up!

- [Frank]

All right.

Get to a meeting.

[Frank whistles]

You should spend less time blaming her and more thanking her.

- Yeah, for what?

- For what?

[scoffs]

It's tough raising six kids by yourself.

I couldn't have done it without her.

[Kelly]

All right, team, let's go!

Let's go, Kelly!

Nice throw, girl!

I brought your favorite, orange!

This should be working.

Stay out of there!

I can see the steak in your pants.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway 'cause it's already thawed.

[Frank]

Bartender, two vodka martinis on the rocks with a twist.

[Veronica]

There's no rocks, Frank.

It's over degrees in here.

[Kev]

It's the end of days.

We're all gonna die.

[Kev]

How the hell are you not sweating?

He wears flannel pajamas in August with the windows open.

And how do you know that?

I'm guessing.

[Kev]

I gotta take my pants off.

My balls are gonna explode.

It's a ticking time ball.

[Frank]

Hey, you need ice?

We got ice.

- Really?

- [Frank]

Hundred bucks a bag.

- Great.

- [Veronica]

Hell no!

[Kev]

V, this whole thing was your idea.

Fifty.

- Okay.

- No!

[Kev]

All right, fine.

When my balls explode and everybody in here is covered in blood and ball, we'll see who's laughing then.

I won't be.

It's f*cking hot, okay?

Who wants a beer?

- Me.

- Me, I want one.

[Frank]

I'll take one.

$ apiece.

$ for a bag of ice.

You're just like my vendors.

Just like everyone in this city, always trying to take advantage of the South Side.

Hey, I got an idea.

- Uh-oh.

- [Kev]

No, no, no, this is a really good one.

Let's have a cookout, invite the whole neighborhood.

We got all that meat that's gonna spoil.

And the crab-stuffed sole.

Free surf and turf and warm beer.

No, not free, $ surf and turf.

We gotta at least try to make our money back.

Okay, it's still a pretty good deal.

Y-you guys would pay five bucks for surf and turf, right?

- A rib eye, yeah.

- Yeah.

[Kev]

Cookout at The Alibi.

If people bring grills and charcoal,

- I'll supply the meat and beer.

- [Tommy]

Nice.

- [Frank]

I like it.

- [Veronica]

Yes.

[Tommy]

Kevin Ball for the win.

♪ Let's go, Kelly, let's go ♪

- ♪ Let's go, Kelly, let's go ♪

- Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!

[Debbie]

Whoo, you got this, girl!

[Carl]

Hey, attagirl, way to stay in front of it!

[Debbie]

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!

That's my girl!

Kelly!

♪ U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi ♪

♪ You ugly, hey, hey ♪

♪ You ugly, hey, hey ♪

- [Carl]

Yeah!

- [Debbie]

Nice!

[Carl]

Kelly, Kelly, catch that bitch!

That's my girl!

That's my bitch!

- Good one.

- [woman]

All right.

[woman]

She's going!

She's going!

- [woman]

Oh!

- [cheers and applause]

- Nice!

- [Carl]

I love you, Kelly!

[applause]

Nice play.

[Debbie]

Beautiful, Kelly!

[women cheering]

I got this for you!

- [woman]

Yeah.

- [woman]

Way to do it.

[Fiona]

f*ckin' Lip, man.

He's a righteous f*ckin' prick.

V, can we get a couple of sh*ts of Jame-o?

[Frank]

Who cares?

You know how many times I've kicked out of that house?

Yeah, I do.

I was the one doing the kickin'.

- Lip kicked you out of the house?

- Yeah, you believe that m*therf*cker?

I'm carrying my sh*t around in garbage bags.

V, can I just crash with you just till I figure it out?

You don't even have to ask.

You're the sh*t!

We made a shitload of money out there today.

You're really good at this.

I'm great.

Here's your half.

I want to renegotiate.

The hell?

There's no renegotiation.

We made a deal.

See, you were gonna walk around with a wagon.

I created a store.

I got us ice.

- Sixty-forty.

- No way.

Sixty-forty, or next time, I just open my own blackout supply.

And trust me, you don't want me as your competition.

You're worse than the Mafia, you know that?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

And this is for the professor.

[scoffs]

We did all the work.

And he supplied the raw materials.

Oh, f*ck the professor.

Okay, it's time we had a little chat.

V, could we get two more of these?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

You're a bad drunk.

[laughs]

That's...

Oh, well, if that isn't the pot callin' the kettle black.

No, no, no, I'm a good drunk.

Makes me happy.

When you drink, you get mean.

If it wasn't for me, Lip would be dead right now.

Are you seriously telling me to stop drinkin'?

I would never say that to my worst enemy.

No, I am telling you there are good drunks and bad drunks.

A good drunk is fun.

A bad drunk wants to have a fight.

A good drunk lives in the present.

A bad drunk is thinking about yesterday.

It's all about gas and the brakes.

Bottoms up.

[clears throat]

How you feel?

Great.

Wanna do another one?

- Yeah.

- No.

You feel good, right?

So take a break, driver eight.

Take your foot off the gas for a couple of seconds.

- Coast.

- [scoffs]

Alcohol was created to distract us from existential dread.

Human beings are the only species that knows of its own mortality, and I gotta say, we do a pretty good job dealing with that fact.

[Tommy]

Thank God for alcohol.

Can you imagine having to live with impending death sober?

Look at Lip.

When's the last time you saw him smile?

Me, I've always been the most fun member of this family.

You know why?

Because I get it.

Sobriety is a fool's game.

Okay, okay!

Who's ready for a cookout?

- [Frank]

Let's do this!

- [Tommy]

Oh!

Meat!

[Carl]

Let me help you with that.

[Kelly]

Thanks.

You were really great out there.

Yeah, played okay.

[sighs]

Hey, come on, get in the back.

You get in the back.

[sighs]

Fine.

[cell phone whooshes]

[Debbie]

I got a text.

They're having a cookout at The Alibi.

- You want to go?

- Let's do it.

Yeah, sure, you can come with us.

[scoffs]

[upbeat music playing on boom box]

Two Funk Sole Brothers, well done.

Two Funk Sole Brothers, well done.

[Veronica]

Two beers.

- Here.

- No, uh-uh, I'm not counting that sh*t.

Walk away.

V, we're doin' it, baby.

[laughs]

[Kev]

This is how we do it on the South Side, man.

We learn how to live together because alone, we die.

Is Chicago dangerous?

Yes.

Is Chicago big?

Doesn't matter, 'cause I don't live in Chicago.

I live on the South Side, and these are the people I care about.

[all]

South Side!

Carl thinks if two women are friends, they must be gay.

No, I don't think that.

I think Debbie's gay because she follows you around like a little puppy dog.

- Ha, see what I mean?

- I'm not kidding.

- She's in love with you.

- Carl, stop.

You're acting crazy.

Yeah, seriously, who's the puppy dog?

- She's my girlfriend.

- She's my friend.

Okay, I'm gonna get a beer.

- [Carl]

Let me get it for you.

- [Debbie]

I'll come with you.

Guys, I got it, thanks.

Whoo, look at this.

♪ Then you're done for ♪

♪ I'm a person of peace ♪

♪ But if you want a piece of me ♪

♪ I will att*ck... ♪

[Frank]

Here you go.

[Kev]

I told you, Frank, I'm not paying for ice.

[Frank]

It's on me.

[Kev]

Really?

It's melting.

Thank you, man.

Ah.

[Fiona]

Here.

[chuckles]

We brought this on ourselves, you know.

Global warming.

Nothing to be done.

Too late.

What, I'm gonna turn my AC off?

If I'm a dead man walking, I wanna be comfortable.

♪ Why'd you have to go and do that for? ♪

♪ Look at what you made me do ♪

♪ I heard you want to scrap with the sharks ♪

♪ Come on, then, let's dance ♪

♪ I am a person of peace ♪

♪ But if you want a piece of me ♪

♪ I will att*ck ♪

♪ Arr ♪

♪ I will never start the grief ♪

♪ But careful what you throw ♪

♪ 'Cause I will bat it back ♪

You know we're the only ones without power, right?

What are you talking about?

My cousin's on his way to the Cubs game.

North Side's already got power.

You f*ckin' serious?

♪ More that you came here... ♪

[Kev]

Hey, what's the station for the Cubs game?

[man]

The what?

[man]

Jerk-off AM, who knows?

No, seriously, no one knows the station for the Cubs game?

- The f*ck we care?

- [man]

Go, Sox.

- God bless us, every one.

- [Frank laughs]

[garbled radio transmissions]

[man]

Power's been restored to percent of the city, and the Cubs will play tonight as scheduled.

So everybody's got power except us?

[Tommy]

Wrigleyville has power.

f*cking yuppies, what do you expect?

South Side's always last in line.

So we're the working poor.

No one gives a f*ck about us.

We don't matter.

We don't count.

Well, I don't know about you, but I am sick of gettin' f*cked.

[all]

Yeah!

I say we march right now to Wrigleyville and kick every one of their f*ckin' asses!

- [man]

f*ck 'em up!

- [all]

Yeah!

In this heat?

[Fiona]

We are South Side, God damn it!

- We are not your bitch!

- [man]

Yeah!

- [man]

f*ck yeah.

- This sh*t stops now.

[Tommy]

My bitch!

South Side!

[crowd clamoring]

[groovy rock music]

[Tommy]

I'm staying.

Any medium rares?

If they think I'm walkin' in these damn heels...

Ooh, man.

- Yeah, I'll take that guy.

- That smoke is...

- I'm gonna start cleaning up.

- All right.

[all]

What the f*ck, Chicago?

Should've had power hours ago!

What the f*ck, Chicago?

Should've had power hours ago!

What the f*ck, Chicago?

- Should've had power hours ago!

- Hey, can we talk?

Now?

We're in the middle of a protest.

Yeah, but you're not even from the South Side.

I know.

Injustice is injustice.

[all]

What the f*ck, Chicago?

Should've had power hours ago!

What the f*ck, Chicago?

Should've had power hours ago!

- [line beeps]

- Hey, Xan, uh, it's me again.

Um...

look, can you call me back?

Yeah, I know there's the-the power outage and everything, but seriously, you know, just...

call me back.

[knock at door]

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hey.

[sighs]

What you doing?

Nothing, just waiting for a f*cking phone call.

So you threw Fiona out.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, she's gonna stay with Kev and me until she gets back on her feet.

No, if she stays with you and Kev, she won't get back on her feet.

- I'm worried about her, Lip.

- Yeah, me too.

Then let her back in the damn house.

She needs to hit rock bottom.

Rock bottom?

She's a strong person, Lip.

I know you know that.

But even the strongest people fall down sometimes.

You did.

I have.

Kev has.

We are here to lift each other up.

Okay.

You heard all this before, right?

You gonna sit there and think just because you're in AA, you have all the answers?

Don't let Fiona stay with you.

Then what kind of friend would I be?

What kind of friend do you wanna be?

The kind that sees her drunk at The Alibi every morning?

The kind that-that watches her lose her job or lose her apartment building?

Watches her wreck her car and go to jail?

You know what?

Then go ahead.

All right, buy her a case of vodka.

Grab a shovel and help her dig that grave, 'cause that's not a friend.

All right, that's-that's a f*ckin' bystander.

- Lip, I have to...

- V!

If you really love her and you really are her friend, you won't let her stay with you.

[all]

South Side is where it's at!

Gonna f*ck you up with a baseball bat!

South Side is where it's at!

Gonna f*ck you up with a baseball bat!

South Side is where it's at!

Gonna f*ck you up with a baseball bat!

South Side is where it's at!

Gonna f*ck you up with a baseball bat!

[muffled chanting]

[rock music playing over speakers]

- [man]

Yo.

- [man]

Check it out.

- [man]

Yeah.

- [man]

The power's back.

- [man]

Yeah.

- [man laughs]

[man]

Oh, yeah.

Power, baby.

- [man]

About time.

- [man]

Yeah.

I don't know about you all, but I could use a drink.

Back to The Alibi?

Thank God.

I'm gonna pass out.

- [man]

You said it.

- Here we go.

[Fiona]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're just gonna go back to The Alibi?

We were still the last ones to get power.

That's bullshit.

Come on, the city's laughing at us.

Let's go tell 'em you don't f*ck with the South Side.

Let's go.

Come on.

It's only a few more blocks to the North Side.

- [crowd grumbling]

- [Frank]

See you at The Alibi.

[Fiona]

Are you f*ckin' kidding me?

God.

[muttering indistinctly]

- [groans]

Hey, baby.

- [Frank]

That was like a long hike.

Hi.

South Side pride.

[indistinct chatter]

[man]

You know what I want.

V, I need a drink.

- [Veronica]

Okay, what?

- [Fiona]

Vodka.

[Kev]

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?

Today was a good f*ckin' day.

- [Kermit]

It was a good day.

- [all]

Yeah.

[Kev]

Yes, it was hot, yes, we had no electricity, and yes, I had a very painful testicle that was the size of a volleyball.

- [man]

Whoo!

- [Kermit]

Hear, hear.

[Kev]

But today we found the true power of the South Side.

- [Tommy]

Hear, hear.

- [man]

Yeah.

No work.

Get drunk.

Have fun.

Now you know what it's like to be me.

[laughter]

[Kev]

Here's to the greatest day ever.

[Tommy]

The South Side!

- The South Side!

- [all cheering]

f*ck you, you f*ckin' pussies!

You f*ckin' never stop talking about how tough the South Side is, how we survive.

Ha!

How you don't f*ck with the South Side.

And then you f*cking do nothing!

God.

I am f*ckin' embarrassed.

You know, we talk a big game, but we don't actually do sh*t.

We get exactly what we deserve.

So f*ck you.

f*ck all of you.

Take it easy, sweetheart.

Sounds like somebody needs to get f*cked on the South Side.

f*ck you, you f*ckin' c**t!

- Whoa, yeah.

- [all]

Hey!

All right, okay, somebody's a little bit fired up.

You okay?

f*cking tired of that bullshit.

[Veronica]

I get it.

I know.

I get it.

Hey, I get it.

So I, um...

I was talking to Kev, and with the girls and everything, it's just a little too much right now having you stay with us.

I'm-I'm really sorry.

- I am.

- V...

it's not a big deal.

Really?

You know, no.

- I'm gonna talk...

- Seriously, yeah.

It's okay.

I totally get it.

I understand.

[bluesy music]

All right.

♪♪♪ I'm sorry.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪♪

[Debbie exhales heavily]

I gotta get this one into the bathtub.

Pee-yew!

- [Kelly]

Okay, I'll text you later.

- [Debbie]

Cool.

Hey, you want a beer?

No, thanks.

Are you f*cking my sister?

- You're insane.

- Am I?

Carl, Debbie and I are friends.

You're overthinking it.

Overthinking what?

What am I overthinking?

I think we should break up.

Why, 'cause you love my sister?

No, because you're too clingy.

Oh, come on, Debbie's clingier than I am.

Oh, my God!

That's it, I am leaving.

You know, I like you, Carl, but seriously, what the f*ck?

Oh, come on.

Call me when you're not so needy.

All right, see ya.

[knock at door]

That's what I thought.

Oh.

What-what do you mean, "oh"?

Shut up.

Lip!

Hey.

Uh, did Xan call?

[Lip]

Yeah.

Yeah, a little while ago.

- Where you going?

- I feel like breaking sh*t.

[door clicks open]

[door slams]

So Xan's okay.

- Yeah.

- Good.

Here's the deal: the last thing I need in my life is a man telling me what to do.

I really don't give a sh*t about what you think, but I do understand that you might have some feelings about this.

But I want to be clear: you do not get a vote.

I don't get a vote, like, not even one?

One.

Out of .

I get the other .

[scoffs softly]

What if we're not meant to be together?

Then we break up.

What if the baby has, like, Down syndrome or something?

I'll help you take care of it.

I'm gonna die at a young age, so...

I'll still be here.

Yeah, well, what if you get hit by a bus?

All right, look, maybe I will.

All right, we don't know what's gonna happen, but if you decide to have this baby, I want to make damn sure it has a father.

Okay.

I hear you.

Okay.

Should we, like, get one of those books: What to Expect When You're Pregnant or whatever?

Not if you're not gonna be pregnant.

Are you gonna be pregnant?

I have no idea.

What would I even name it?

I don't know, we talking a boy or a girl?

I don't know, like...

pretend it's a boy.

Hambone.

What?

No.

[scoffs]

Bird?

Who the hell names their kid Bird?

Charlie Parker's parents.

No, that was a nickname.

It was 'cause he liked chicken.

Oh, didn't know that.

Uh, Wilmoth?

- [laughing]

Jesus.

- What?

These are the worst names I ever heard.

I take it back.

I will not be there for our child, all right?

Okay, can we just not talk about it anymore?

Can we, like, pretend it's not happening and maybe it'll just...

go away?

Yeah, all right.

All right, I'm f*cking starving.

I need food.

Yeah, you, uh...

you like popcorn shrimp?

[groans softly]

[groans]

[grunts]

Ugh.

[solemn music]

[groans]

[exhales heavily]

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

♪♪♪

[groaning]

[sniffles]

♪♪♪

[vomits]

[spits]

[exhales heavily]

♪♪♪

[groaning]

♪♪♪

[breathing heavily]

♪♪♪

[vomits]

♪♪♪

[breathing heavily]

♪♪♪

[groaning]

[sniffles]

♪♪♪

[sighs]

♪♪♪

[crying]

♪♪♪

[man]

It was only about two blocks from my house.

I was woken up by the sound, a crashing sound.

♪♪♪

And I could hear myself screaming.

♪♪♪

I had crashed my car into the back of a moving van.

♪♪♪

There was glass everywhere.

Airbag deployed.

My nose was bleeding.

♪♪♪

I didn't feel any pain till much later, but I didn't care about myself.

♪♪♪

I just kept thinking...

I could have k*lled someone.

This is...

really hard for me to talk about.

[rock music]

♪♪♪

Whose p*rn is this?

It's mine.

Giving it to KJ now.

Oh, why you getting rid of your p*rn, tater tot?

Just the girl-on-girl stuff.

Kinda makes me sad.

Yeah.

Seen it.

Seen it.

In it.

♪♪♪