04x05 - Winner Winner Chicken Salad

[bunniefuu]

Andi, is that you?

Yeah.

I'm in the bathroom and I forgot my phone.

Ask me some trivia questions.

Okay, here's one: whose wife doesn't like talking to you while you're in the bathroom?

But it's just me and my thoughts.

It's like 1980 in here.

Andi?

Siri?

Anybody?

It's funny, you always want to talk to me when I'm watching TV, but you know where I'm a c*ptive audience?

The Admirals Club.

I told you I had two rules when we got married.

All right? No cheating and no talking to me from the bathroom.

Oh, and if you do cheat, she's not gonna like that, either.

Hey, Mom?

Since there's no school today, will you take me and my friends dress shopping for the spring formal? You mean drop you off?

No, it has to pass dress code so we need an old person's opinion.

It'll only take, like, four or five hours.

Well, I can't think of a reason why not.

Unfortunately.

Is Dylan going to the dance?

I don't know. He was like, "Eh," and I was like, "Yeah," and we were like, "Meh," you know?

Totes.

You're always like, "What?" and he's like, "What?" and we're like, "Whoa."

Uh, excuse me, do you know what they're saying?

I mean, you seem normal, but maybe that's because you haven't talked yet.

Uh, Kate, your dad's talking to me and it's, like, you know?

Nope. She's just like the other ones.

All right, girls, I'll take you.

Thanks, Mom.

Sup. Any of you gals want to share a Go-Gurt with a good listener?

Nice try, Teddy.

You see the way they noticed me?

I can't believe I have to spend the whole day at the mall with them.

Yeah, that's not fun.

You buy them a five dollar pretzel and they take one bite.

They don't have the attention span to get through a pretzel.

Last time I took them, I tried on a hat and they laughed about it for three hours.

Listen, honey, if I could take the girls, I would.

Oh. Great.

They're all yours. What?

No, no, no. No.

I was just being nice.

Let me say things I don't mean.

That's how a good marriage works.

Oh. Uh, what are you doing out there?

Well, I was waiting for a lull in the conversation.

Then I got interested, like a good podcast.

Is Adam going to keep talking to you from the bathroom?

Will Teddy ever find love?

Hmm...

Why are you here?

Uh, I stopped by on my way to the office to tell you Don's not coming in today.

He has to take care of his grandson Parker.

Oh, please.

This is just his latest scam to get out of work.

All right, you go to the office, put on a pot of coffee. I will be right there as soon as I bust Don.

No, he could be telling the truth.

I mean, I know Parker's staying with them.

He's not taking care of that kid with his wife in the house.

What's that supposed to mean?

Parker's a kid. Marcy is a woman.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't answer, just curl up into a ball.

I can answer because I have science on my side.

Women are designed to take care of kids.

You have special body parts that make food.

Nothing that comes out of me helps anybody.

Well, technically, men can lactate.

I'll wait outside.

What you said is so sexist.

Sexist?

Your body provides anything a child could need.

You're like 7-Eleven for babies.

And if you have a problem with that, take it up with Mother Nature, a woman.

Right, Lowell?

You're the bravest man I've ever known!

Okay. You don't like spaghetti.

He doesn't like spaghetti.

I've got to say, I didn't believe you were really watching him.

But I can tell it's true 'cause it is not going well.

Hey, Parker, why don't you go in there and not be in here for a while?

You look like Frankenstein.

Hurts every time.

Where's Marcy?

Marcy's had food poisoning for two days, so I'm taking care of my grandson.

Ah. He might not be a nice person.

I got problems, too.

I just got into a whole thing with Andi about feminism.

You know how hard it is to explain feminism to a woman?

Ooh, chicken salad. Now we're talking.

No, no, no. Put that back. It's what made Marcy sick.

Well, then, why don't you throw it away?

That's Marcy's job. She puts stuff in the trash, I take the trash out. I stay in my lane.

Where's my sweet great-grandbaby?

Mom, Dad, Marcy's sick. Will you watch Parker for me?

Oh. N-No, we're-we're not hands-on anymore.

We visit the zoo, we don't handle the animals.

Come on, Bev. Reverse engines.

You know, I'd feel bad for you if it wasn't so funny.

Marcy, you're up, you're better.

You can take care of Parker.

I-I'm a little better.

I still need the weekend to recuperate.

What's that?

I'm taking out my trash.

I take out the trash.

Okay? Stay in your lane, baby.

By the way, Parker told me that you tried to feed him spaghetti.

Only animals eat spaghetti for breakfast.

Hey.

Does she still look sick to you?

Well, her color's good, she's not sweaty and she hurt my feelings.

I'd say she's in top form.

I think she's better, but she's milking it.

Oh. Well, let's find out.

Let's see what she's been up to by going through her trash.

That's how they got bin Laden.

Empty bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

People with food poisoning don't eat flamin' hot anything.

She's playing you, man.

And she was trying to get rid of the evidence.

I can't believe she's lying just to get out of helping around here.

Well, maybe she's trying to get you back for that time you did it to her for 25 years.

Oh, there's a woman. Are you here to take care of the kid?

No, I'm here to take care of Marcy.

She called and told me how sick she is.

Oh, which means you'll have to take the girls shopping this afternoon.

What? No. Marcy's fine.

Look what I found in her trash.

Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

You went through a sick woman's trash?

Yeah... I am appalled.

It fell open. Uh...

Uh-huh.

Look, I'm taking care of Marcy, and you are going to the mall.

Did you see that?

She didn't answer about the Cheetos.

She accused me of doing something wrong.

That's deflection.

She hit me with some verbal judo.

I don't get judo.

Judo's like karate for when you're not that mad.

You really just zone in on one word, don't you?

Pay attention.

The only reason Andi would do that is if she knows Marcy's not sick anymore.

Which means she's in on it, too.

Which means they're both a couple of flamin' hot liars.

Which you thought was funny when it was only happening to me.

Well, now it's happening to me.

I can't be following teenagers around the mall all day.

I just turned 50.

Every minute I have left is precious.

Go tell your wife you know she's faking it.

No way. The last time I accused Marcy of faking something, it almost ruined our honeymoon.

All right, listen, listen.

We know what they're doing, but they'll just deny it.

And they're good with words that make you feel bad.

Like "appalled."

That's a principal's office word. Mm.

Well, there's only one move left.

Way ahead of you. We let them get away with it.

Nope.

We poison you.

Or we do my thing.

Don't think of it as bad chicken, think of it as freedom chicken.

Just take one bite, get a little sick.

I don't want to.

It'll be worth it.

Marcy gets up and takes care of the kid, Andi doesn't have to take care of Marcy, so she takes the girls shopping.

Everybody wins.

I won't win. I'll be sick.

No, no. You'll be a hero.

Will you call me that in front of other people?

Probably not, but maybe.

What if I get caught?

You won't.

I have dipped my toe in these dark waters before.

One time, when Teddy was little and got strep throat and nobody was getting any sleep, I brushed my teeth with his toothbrush.

It was the perfect crime.

Two days in bed, unlimited Jell-O.

No, it's not worth it.

Don!

It's time for Parker's bath!

I'm glad you called. A day off is fun.

I've realized there's an upside to being sick.

I enjoyed lying in bed watching Don do all the work for a change.

Yeah, one time when the kids were little, Adam got strep throat and part of me thought he enjoyed it.

Wait, but be careful with those Cheetos, they might be catching on that you're feeling better.

Nah, it's fine.

I'll just tell them that I'm testing my body to see how much it can take.

That's just good medicine.

Well, I am happy to jump on board.

Okay? 'Cause there was no way I was taking those girls shopping after what Adam said this morning.

"Women have different body parts.

You can make your own food."

How dare he? Right?

I mean, yes, it's true. Yeah, but it's not very nice to say.

And then, Adam tells me to make coffee because he'll "be right there."

Two hours later, no Adam, no phone call, no nothing.

Try being the middle kid.

I haven't been to the dentist in a year and a half.

You're a good listener, Teddy.

Parker just said I look like Shrek.

Do you see it?

Maybe in the shoulders.

Are you feeling anything?

Nothing. I think I have to eat more.

Hey, don't overdo it.

Remember when you tried those pot brownies before the Van Halen concert?

You ate too many, we had to leave early, and you rode all the way home with your head out the window like a dog.

A dog that could see into other dimensions.

I'm eating more.

Is it happening?

I don't know.

Maybe it was just that last bite landing.

Nope, it's on.

See you on the other side, brother.

Dad!

Teddy started doing push-ups outside my room, and now my friends think he's weird.

I only did three.

But I started counting at 98.

You do listen to me.

I think it's time to head upstairs and do some curls for the girls.

Teddy, no!

Teddy, leave your sister's friends alone!

What a guy.

You're not gonna believe this.

Don is sick now.

What?

That is a crazy turn of events.

Yeah, so I came home, because Marcy has to watch Parker.

Well... at least now, you can take the girls to the mall.

Oh, well... but you were already planning on it.

So why not you?

Or why not you? Or why not you?

Or why not you? Okay.

You know what, let's not be childish about this.

Okay. Yeah. Okay?

Kate, your dad's ready to take you to the mall!

Or your mom!

One of us!

My money's on your mom!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Look, I...

I just don't want to go.

Well, I don't want to go either.

Okay, you know what, this is clearly a thorny issue.

Let's keep talking about it.

Well, great.

Okay, well, first of all, in terms of mall trips, I have definitely done more of those...

Keep talking.

I'm in the bathroom, but I am listening.

So I got Don to eat the chicken salad, and now Andi is at the mall.

And you're proud of this?

A little bit, yeah.

My generation handed down a paradise to our sons.

Men didn't lift a finger.

And then some sap comes along, smokes a jazz cigarette and says, "I don't think I'm doing enough around the house."

Hey, we're holding our own.

You've sunk so low, you're poisoning yourselves.

Face it, you've lost the battle of the sexes.

I... We didn't lose.

We're just using guerilla warfare now.

You wouldn't get it. It's very tactical.

I'm basically a Navy SEAL.

So you're not dead in a ditch.

And your phone works. Interesting.

I made six pots of coffee!

I'm sorry, Lowell, I got busy and forgot to tell you I wasn't coming in.

And?

Uh...

And from now on, I will try to be more sensitive to your feelings.

Thank you.

What?

Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't even recognize you as a man.

I got your text. What's the code red?

You're not going to believe what Don told me those idiots did.

Marcy, it burns.

Good!

Hey, honey. Hey.

Where you been?

Oh, that's right, the mall.

Why, wh-what do you got there? Oh.

Uh, I stopped by to check on Don and Marcy, and I found this chicken salad.

Huh.

I had no idea they had that.

Yeah, well, I figured they're too sick to eat it, so I thought I'd make you a sandwich.

It'll make me so happy to watch you eat it.

You know what, I, uh...

I think I'm done eating chicken.

Really?

Yeah.

You ever hold a chicken in your arms? Huh?

It's pretty beautiful.

It'll lay its little beak right there on your shoulder.

Okay, well, if you don't want it, I guess I'll eat it.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm gonna do it, Adam. I'm gonna take a bite.

Well, if you want to, you should.

Your body, your choice.

That's equal rights.

Stop!

Why? What's the problem?

Okay, I should probably admit... Wait.

Before I do, how much do you know?

Everything.

Don told Marcy everything.

You poisoned your own brother to get out of going to the mall.

Yes, I did.

But your hands aren't clean either.

You knew Marcy wasn't sick anymore, but you pretended to take care of her so you could get out of going to the mall.

You would accuse me of that?

You... I am appalled.

Oh, oh, you're appalled again, huh?

Not this time, sister.

You're just trying to make me feel bad to cover up your own crimes.

My crimes are nothing compared to yours.

You said all that stuff about women and body parts, so I got mad.

I've been telling you my poorly thought out theories for years.

Why do you have such a problem today? Because...

Because I didn't want to go to the mall, and I thought I could use that.

I am appalled. Okay.

You know what, we're both appalling.

Neither of us wanted to do something, and instead of working it out, we tried to screw each other over.

Yeah, that sounds like us.

What if we're not good people?

That's only true if you think about it.

Adam, I think we need to do some real soul searching here.

You know? I me...

I have a relationship workbook upstairs about this very thing.

Okay, all right. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let's not go bananas.

We are not bad people.

We're normal.

Maybe low normal.

Upper bad.

Are we the worst people in the world? No.

Could we improve? Probably not.

Look, honey, sometimes in parenting, a job comes along that is truly horrific, like five hours of dress shopping.

Yes. And we panicked.

Right. Our fight-or-flight instinct kicked in.

And I would make the argument that of the two, fight is definitely better than flight.

That's true. I mean, I could have chosen flight.

I could have moved to Santa Fe and opened a cute little pottery shop with a green awning called "A Penny For Your Pots."

Well, that's way too specific, but yeah.

We don't run.

And you know what that is?

That's brave.

Yeah. We're bad, but we're brave.

Like Han Solo.

Everybody loves that guy.

Right?

Okay, good.

We are back on track.

I am throwing this chicken salad out in the trash, and we are never gonna talk about it again.

May the Force be with you.

You.

I know. I ran over between emergencies to tell you I'm sorry.

Why'd you have to tell Marcy everything?

I thought I was dying.

I lost control of everything, including my mouth.

I threw up the truth.

I told you not to eat too much.

Why can't you barely poison yourself, like a normal person?

And I didn't tell her everything.

I didn't say a word about you giving yourself strep throat when Teddy was sick.

You did what?

This time I choose flight.

If you want to talk to me, I'll be in the Admirals Club.

See you on the other side, brother.

How's your tummy?

Everything hurts.

That's the lies leaving your body.

All right, I'm taking off.

Hey, where are you headed so fancy?

Kate's dance. I'm gonna go try my luck with some of the girls crying outside.

I'll see you around 10:00.

What a guy.

I-I mean, you should probably go stop him.

No, no, no, this is definitely on you.

I mean... he's thinking with a body part I don't even have.

You enjoyed that, didn't you? I didn't hate it.