07x22 - The Fake-Up

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the day, I did okay with the ladies.

From girl-next-door Dana Caldwell and our innocent puppy love to my geeked-out romance with older woman Jackie Geary.

And finally, Brea Bee.

Yeah, somehow, I'd won the heart of the coolest girl at school.

BEVERLY: ♪ Laundry day, laundry day ♪ ♪ Make my baby's stains go away ♪ (GASPS)

Ooh!

Nothing!

Studying!

Respecting boundaries!

What is going on here in the dark?

Brea, do you want to field this one?

I do not.

And what is that funk?

It's like I'm standing in a musky cloud.

Basements are damp.

It's also hot.

Like, steamy.

I think the dryer was on.

Brea on the board.

The dryer.

Likely culprit for everything you're smelling.

Binaca.

Vanilla-scented candle.

Sade's classic booty groove The Sweetest Taboo.

(GASPS)

You two were kissing!

Okay, I'm just gonna mosey on out of here.

No!

We are not gonna be shamed by you.

Basement kissing is a teen rite of passage.

I demand you leave!

I'm not going anywhere!

That's good, because someone brought over a rice pudding with raisins.

Not a good time, Dad.

I just caught Adam and his little friend here couch-kissing.

- Pudding?

- No, thank you.

Bevy, where do you keep the bagel chips?

There's a dip I want to explore.

Forget your dip.

Your baby boy was down here swapping spit with this one.

Hi, Mr.

Goldberg.

I'm Adam's girlfriend, Brea.

Nobody's named Brea.

She is!

And you should be wearing pants.

I was earlier.

Beverly, are we doing the book club down here today?

Book club is canceled.

You didn't read Fried Green Tomatoes, either, huh?

Snooze-fest.

Nothing happens.

Something's been happening down here.

Adam and this young enchantress have been necking.

- Lip locking?

- Tongue wrestling?

The first marital pleasure?

Is there a window or a chimney I can crawl out of?

Is this the laundry line?

Got a load of socks and...

What is that hanging in the air?

The loss of innocence.

That happened sooner than I thought.

God, is your whole neighborhood in here?

I hope so, 'cause I've got an emergency!

I lost three pieces of a puzzle down here.

One is an edge, one has some blue in it, and the last one has half a dog's nose or foot.

(SNIFFS)

What am I tasting?

- Rice pudding?

- I don't think so, but thank you.

That's it.

Everyone needs to leave immediately!

- That's not gonna happen.

- (CHUCKLES)

We're all just happy watching you squirm.

- Brea, is it?

- I don't think so.

Screw it.

I'm just gonna make a run for it.

Bye, Adam.

This was traumatic.

- Goodbye, Brea.

- Look what you all did!

Well, that's what you get, Schmoo.

The next time you need kissies so badly, you come to your mama.

- (ALL GROAN)

- I saw that coming.

Oh, balls, no!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ ♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪ ♪ I don't know the future ♪ ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was May 6th, 1980-something, and Barry was in for an unexpected surprise.

- Guess who?

- Gene Hackman!

What?

No.

It's Ren.

Now I feel like I need to moisturize more.

Oh.

I wasn't going by touch.

Oh.

Bummer news.

I couldn't get those tickets to The Clash.

I don't know why you like those guys.

They're so angry.

You're rock stars.

How about a smile?

Well, then I guess you're gonna be super excited for this.

That tee's way too big for you.

It's not for me, dummy.

It's for my boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend?

(SIGHS)

This day was bound to come.

Please give him my highest regards.

He's a very lucky man.

Barry, hear my words.

You are my boyfriend, and I am your girlfriend.

You're just gonna say it like that?

If you haven't noticed, we've been spending all of our time together, and you're the first person I want to see in the morning and the last one that I want to talk to at night.

That's exactly how I feel!

We are boyfriend and girlfriend.

- (CHUCKLES)

- What up, suckas?

Just our divine spirits.

Turns out, I'm her handsome beau.

We're going with "boyfriend." Yay!

Okay, well, despite all of this, I'm glad I found you, because guess who's back in town.

The boys?

The Globetrotters?

Evel Knievel?

Gallagher and his mallet?

- It's Lainey.

- Lainey Lewis?

She's here to meet her dad's girlfriend and hang out with me.

Oh, there she is.

ADULT ADAM: Crazy, I know.

Lainey Lewis was back.

Barry hadn't heard from his ex-fiancee since she skipped town to make it big in LA.

(CRYING)

And, Barry, what can I say?

I will always love you.

Hi, guys.

(CHUCKLES)

Barry.

- Lainey?

- Yep.

Erica told me to meet her on campus.

She said we'd never run into you.

Yet here you are, standing right in front of me.

Yeah, it's really awkward.

You look good, Barry.

Thanks.

It's a new shirt.

And, uh, I'm the one that gave it to him.

I'm Ren.

Ren!

I'm so sorry.

It's like you weren't even there for a second.

That's how it felt.

Ren, Lainey.

Lainey, Ren.

Her, me, together.

Friend, girl.

So fun.

I-I'm his girlfriend.

That's what she's saying, and I'm saying it, too, because I like it my way.

Burger King.

Okay, well, we should probably go before his skull collapses.

Nice meeting you, Ren.

And, Barry...

Bye, I guess.

Goodbye to you, lady from my past!

(CHUCKLES)

- That went well.

- It did not.

But I get that seeing an ex might throw you for a loop.

You get me.

Just as long as you don't still have, like, feelings for her or anything.

No way.

I'm all Ren all the time.

(SQUEALS SOFTLY)

ADULT ADAM: As Barry's love life got more complicated, I was trying to keep things simple for my mom.

I have an important announcement.

Brea's coming over to pick me up for our date, and I don't want to hear a peep out of any of you.

You're not gonna have to worry about that here.

Where are you going?

Niagara Falls?

To a seedy motel to do your wicked business?

For your information, we're gonna go see a Eugene O'Neill play and grab a late supper.

Is that why you're dressed like a boy professor?

While you may not recognize it, Mother, I'm a man, with manly tastes and desires.

- (SCOFFS)

- Ooh.

My five-o'clock shadow is early.

'Scuse me.

My lady likes me clean.

Are you kidding me?

(GASPS)

Who does he think he is, shaving and going to things?

He's still a little boy.

You may not want to accept it, but Adam's basically a man.

You know...

Except for the body, voice, and toys.

Well, I don't accept it.

Brea and Adam are moving way too fast.

Bevy, relax.

Everybody gets older.

Just let 'em be.

Murray, it is a father's duty to scare the hormonal passions out of any suitor that comes to our children's door.

Here's the thing...

Nah.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- Well, then you leave me no choice.

You have choices.

Oh.

Brea Bee.

Hey, Mrs.

Goldberg.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Is Adam ready?

He said he'd be ready.

I honked.

Like, so many times.

Come, Brea.

Sit.

We have much to discuss.

♪ Adam, you need to get downstairs.

Your mother's grilling your lady friend like a flank steak.

Oh, balls!

♪ Brea, leave your purse and flee!

No, Adam, it's fine.

We're having a good time.

Your mom's gonna teach me how to put cheddar on cod.

No!

Don't connect in a meaningful way!

Too late!

We're sisters.

People are already saying it.

(CHUCKLES)

I'll be back with those recipes.

I know you're a wonderful person and would do anything for me, but not this.

It's really okay.

Your mom's obviously having a hard time, so it's good that she likes me.

Rather than take the time to explain, we should run outta here.

Here's your signed edition of my cookbook, Brea.

It's the first time I wrote "best wishes" and actually meant it.

Let me get my car keys, and we'll go.

- Go?

- I kinda invited your mom along tonight.

Let me guess...

You didn't think she'd actually accept?

But I did.

And we're not gonna do any of that boring adult stuff.

We're gonna go see a dumb movie and then go to the arcade.

Yay!

Three's a crowd of fun!

Brea, I think you're special and amazing, but you have no idea how much you just [Bleep] us.

While it was too late for me, Barry was hoping the JTP could save him.

Jenkintown Posse.

TOGETHER: Jenkintown Posse.

I need your infinite guidance and wisdom.

Matt Bradley, you're free to leave at any time.

I kinda live here, buddy.

Enough interruptions, okay?

I'm in real trouble.

I'm currently embroiled in a love triangle with the two most beautiful women on the planet.

Oh, uh, Rae Dawn Chong and the twins from the beer commercial?

That would be three, doofus.

I'm going with two Dana Delanys.

She could swim to my China Beach anytime.

I'm talking about Ren and Lainey.

Big Tasty, we've been over this.

Lainey went to LA to be a rock star.

I heard she's in that Robert Palmer video where he apologizes to women for turning them on.

Well, she's back, and the only thing she wants to rock is my body.

- That doesn't sound right.

- Here's the proof.

- (BEEP)

- LAINEY: Hey, Bar.

It's Lainey.

I wanted to see if you might be free to meet up while I'm here.

I really need to talk to you.

- (BEEP)

- Did you hear that?

She needs me.

She said she needs to talk to you.

With her body.

What aren't you getting, Matt Bradley?

Her vague and mysterious message is crystal clear...

She wants all this.

It is kinda weird, but you're with Ren now.

Damn my seductive charms!

Sometimes I'm too much man for even me.

What do I do?

Maybe go talk to Erica.

I mean, Lainey and Ren are both her close friends.

Maybe she'd have a perspective on this that you don't.

Sometimes the tiniest men have the greatest ideas.

Yes!

I will ask my sister which lover I should take.

I'm not clinically tiny.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry sought dating advice, I found myself on a date with Brea...

- And my mom.

- Here I am.

- Here, I saved you a seat next to me.

- Nonsense.

Scooch.

I've got the popcorn, so I'll sit in the middle.

I can't sit next to my girlfriend?

You're sitting next to your original girlfriend.

Turns out wedging herself between me and Brea was only the beginning.

- Good night, Mom.

- Good night?

But we haven't hit the arcade yet or gone out for a slice of pie.

That doesn't seem like something we'd want to do.

- Is that true, Brea?

- Well, I...

Ah, two against one!

Let's go!

Yep, that night, Brea and I had the most memorable date of our lives, but not in a good way.

Oh, look out!

It's the police!

- Where?

- The tickle police.

Stop it!

The teenage manager's gonna come yell at us again!

Oh, let him!

And it didn't look like my mom was gonna run out of gas anytime soon.

Unh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

No dairy for you.

Not with that tum-tum.

Actually, I'll take the peaches, too.

Go to town on some crust.

Eventually, we managed to escape to a cramped photo booth.

On three, two...

- Mom!

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Yep, even when we tried to get away, my mom was always in the picture.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Barry found himself in an unlikely love triangle.

But even more unlikely was the person he went to for help.

Damn it.

You're not my garlic knots.

Why are you here?

Too many women are in love with me.

Define "too many." And define "women." Ren, my foxy girlfriend, can't get off the B-train.

Ugh!

And I guess so.

And now Lainey has returned for another dip in Lake Barry.

No, she's here to meet her father's new girlfriend, hang out with me, and that's it.

Then why did she leave me a deeply erotic message on my answering machine?

- There's no way.

- Wanna hear it?

God, no!

Why are all my friends into you?

You're built like Winnie the Pooh.

The lovable pants-less bear?

He's a personal hero.

Now I need your help in choosing between two of your tantalizing friends.

Never.

That's disgusting and completely up to you.

But seeing Lainey reminded me of everything we shared.

It's like we were always meant to be.

Except for the part where she bolted without saying goodbye and lives in LA now.

And then there's Ren.

So cool and exciting.

Also, I really like her face and butt.

No!

No body parts!

Just facts.

Just tell me who to be with.

Neither.

We did it.

Come on!

Stop being my grossed-out older sister and just be a friend!

My God.

It's so obvious.

Ren.

- I knew you'd say Lainey.

- No, I didn't.

Look, I love Lainey with all of my heart, but that was the past.

Ren likes you right now.

That's true.

It is now.

Everything with Ren is so new and fun and unfolding.

I haven't seen you this happy in forever.

Why would you walk away from that?

- You're right.

It's Ren.

- Perfect.

Now, please don't tell anyone that I'm involved in this.

Nonsense.

You deserve all the credit.

- But I don't want it.

- Thanks, Erica Goldberg!

Your cold-blooded decision-making helped me find my love path.

People must know!

- Oh!

- Oh!

All my knots and sauces!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry had found clarity, Brea and I were looking for a moment clear of my mom.

There's my Queen Bee.

Look.

Your mom keeps bringing me loaves of banana bread.

They are so heavy, they defy the laws of physics.

We have a theory.

She uses a lot of bananas and some depleted uranium.

Well, at least we have this one peaceful moment together.

- Banana bread!

- (BOTH GASPING)

Please tell me you're here to discipline a prideful, young teacher.

Actually, I just popped by to give my new gal pal this bad mamma jamma.

More banana bread.

Great.

The secret is heft, which makes it the perfect snack to supercharge a volleyball practice.

You know I have practice?

I've got your whole schedule, silly.

Now, take a hunk.

You can't bump and spike on an empty tum-tum.

Yay!

She loves my dense bread!

Oh, you are gonna jump so high.

See you there.

I can't live like this!

What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what to do.

Mr.

Woodburn?

You have romantic advice from over there by the trash can?

Middle-aged man can't tell children how to love?

At this point, why not?

Cut your losses.

You break up.

Break up?

That's your brilliant suggestion?

Not for real.

You fake it.

You stage a breakup, and then your mom goes back to just being a nuisance to the rest of the world.

How would that even work?

My wife, Olga, and I staged a fake breakup fifteen years ago for tax purposes.

And now you live happily in secret?

Even better.

She moved to Scottsdale, shacked up with some carpenter named Yoshi.

Kinda sounds like she and Yoshi are together.

Wrong again!

'Course, they do have those two foster kids together, but that's part of the ruse.

Nah, once Jason and Amber go to college and I finish sockin' away money into her retirement account, we are back on, baby.

Yeah.

I'm pretty positive Olga's scamming you.

Then why did she use my name to get Yoshi a US passport?

'Cause they're a happy family and she'd do anything for him?

Damn it, it's Magdalena and her brother all over again.

(GROANS)

Holy crap.

I know.

He's such a sad man.

I don't care about him.

A fake breakup just might do the trick.

I'll try anything.

I don't have any more room in my locker or my stomach.

She's the worst, but what she does with old bananas is pretty special.

While Brea and I decided to fake a breakup, Barry was ready to get real about his feelings for Ren.

- Lainey?

- You didn't call me back.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Now's not good.

I'm on my way to see Ren.

Right.

Ren.

I'm so happy for you, Barry.

You don't have to say that.

- I know why you're here.

- You do?

You wanted one more sh*t at climbing Mt.

Barry.

- Mt.

Barry?

- I get it.

I'm the real deal.

You'll never do better.

But chin up.

You've got a few years left to find love.

Idiot.

I'm not here for you.

I mean...

(SCOFFS)

I am, but not in your icky way.

Well, if it's not for my rockin' body, what do you want?

I wanted to say...

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

You're forgiven.

You don't even know what I'm sorry for yet.

Whatever it is, I think you're great.

See, that right there?

This sweet guy...

I miss him so much.

You're not here to get back together?

No.

But the way I left you, not saying goodbye, just going...

I can't forgive myself.

I know you were just chasing your dream.

I get it.

My dream hasn't really come true.

I was the singing apple in a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

Holy crap!

Do you know the grapes?

Truth is, I don't really know anyone in LA.

Sometimes I wish I still had you in my life...

As a friend.

I'm always a phone call away.

You'd be okay with that?

Lainey, you'll always be a part of my life, one way or the other.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out friendship was all Lainey wanted, but that's not what it looked like.

Uh, sorry to interrupt, but...

screw you, Barry.

Renjamin!

It's not what you think!

You think Ren is short for Renjamin?

There's no way to know.

There is.

I-I'm Lauren.

But it turns out you don't know me...

And I really don't know you.

But I chose you!

Over her!

- What?

- What?

I sat down with Erica, and we carefully weighed out the pluses and minuses.

She helped you rate us like show ponies?

I'm not sure that's a real event, but kinda.

Point is, Ren won by a nose.

Not because you have a better nose.

Lainey's got a great nose, too.

Someone else talk now!

There's nothing else to say.

(SIGHS)

- I messed up.

- You messed up.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry was flubbing his lines, - Brea and I were about to put on - (DOORBELL RINGS)

the performance of a lifetime.

Brea Bee?

My girlfriend.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Troubling news, I'm afraid.

Should we retire to my room for privacy?

I'm too emotionally raw to not speak my mind right now.

Hey, if you're gonna be emotionally raw, take it out back.

Shh, Murray.

This sounds serious.

It's over between us, Adam.

- (GASPS)

- That is deeply upsetting.

- Please don't make a scene.

- Fight for her, Adam.

I will not fight for you!

Thank you...

For respecting my wishes.

- (SIGHS)

- Goodbye forever.

Forever.

No.

- Forever.

- No!

Adam, do something!

We have to get her back!

Too late.

She's already near the sidewalk.

There.

She's at the sidewalk.

I don't understand.

We were so good together.

Love is a b*ttlefield.

What did you do to drive our girl away?

Maybe I wasn't listening enough?

Oh, nobody splits up because of that.

Your father hasn't listened to me in 20 years.

Right, Murray?

Yeah, uh, tater tots.

Two bags.

- It wasn't just that.

- There was someone else?

That makes sense, I guess.

- Who?

- Uh...

Tony?

I don't know his last name, but they call him "The Tiger." Tony the Tiger?

Like the...

The cereal?

But he's not a lovable cartoon mascot.

He's a home wrecker.

Murray, are you hearing this?

Your son has been dating a strumpet!

Good for you, Barry.

No, Brea is a stone-cold hussy.

I guess that's what we're saying here.

Anyway, toodle-oo.

(CHUCKLES)

Why would Adam and Brea do this to me?

This has nothing to do with you.

(GASPS)

You're right.

I need to confront Brea and find out for myself what happened.

See?

You don't listen, either.

That's why this works.

Thanks to the most epic fake breakup ever, me and Brea finally had a moment to ourselves.

Let me set the mood with the silky sounds of Miss Jody Watley.

Oh, balls.

"Haunted Halloween Sound Effects"?

Someone put this in the wrong case.

Would you just come here?

Oh, yes.

The kissing.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- BEVERLY: Brea!

It's Beverly Goldberg!

Brea!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Please tell me you popped in that haunted soundtrack.

This is much more terrifying.

Hide.

I'll get rid of her.

(DOOR OPENS)

Mrs. G.

Why are you here?

For answers!

How could you cheat on my baby?

That's what Adam told you?

He told me about you and Tony the Tiger.

What does he have that Adam doesn't?

Was he not man enough for you?

You know, 'cause he wears a lady's size seven tennis shoe?

- Oh, wow.

- Or because root beer is too spicy for him?

Or because I have to hide his pills in peanut butter?

That is a lot of new and very specific information.

Well, then it must be because he sleeps with his Glo Worm.

- Whose worm?

- His good-night friend, Glowie.

It's a plush toy that lights up when you give him a little squeeze.

Isn't he a little old for that?

And I tried to hide it from him, but he found it.

Even hung up signs with a little reward.

Enough!

I gave up Glowie last year!

I'm a man now!

Adam?

I-I don't understand.

You never do.

Brea and I didn't break up.

And she isn't dating a cartoon tiger.

She's dating me, and we're here to French.

I'm just gonna worm my way out of here.

Sorry.

That was not a sh*t at Glowie.

Um...

You faked your breakup?

I had to do something.

You're unbearable.

Who goes on a date with their son and his girlfriend?

I literally don't understand the question.

Why can't you get that I don't want you anywhere near my relationship?

And, oh, my God, why are you crying?

I'm sorry.

It's just...

You were acting so adult and...

Spending so much time with Brea.

I just thought it was all over.

- What's over?

- You finally grow up and I'm no longer the most important woman in your life.

That's a good thing.

Not for me.

(SIGHS)

You're my last baby.

I'm not ready for this.

Would you stop?

You're my mom.

You'll always be in my life.

Really?

And I'll live with you in a room just off the master suite?

Please, you got to give me some space.

Because if you keep squeezing this hard, you really will lose me.

Okay.

I can make some concessions.

You and Brea can go on a date without your mom tagging along, if that's what you think is normal.

- It is.

- But no more basement business.

Don't worry.

That room has been ruined for me forever.

And once a week, Brea should come to dinner, not because I'm wedging in, but because I really like her.

I really like her, too.

And if we're just saying stuff...

You're not so terrible, either.

I am your number-one girl!

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes we get so focused on what we stand to lose that we forget all we have to gain.

Can we talk?

I have nothing to say to you.

Then I'll go.

I want to let you know Lainey's an amazing person who I'll always love.

Not a great start.

But here's the thing, she's not you.

And?

Aw, crap.

In my head, it was a home run and you'd be smooching on me right now.

I got this.

Erica, what are you doing here?

Well, I didn't want to be involved, but since I am, at least I can make it right.

I'm listening.

When it comes to women, my brother may be the dumbest person in the world.

And the strongest.

But he also has the biggest heart, which I know for a fact belongs to you.

That's sweet.

And weird.

But that's sort of what I like about Barry.

Exactly.

I'm a lovable oddball who only has eyes for you.

- What's this?

- Just an apology.

Clash tickets?

How?

For you, I'd do the impossible.

So, does this mean you're my...

Girlfriend?

Oh, yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

I have a girlfriend!

Yes!

I'm still getting used to this.

ADULT ADAM: Sure, bringing new people into our lives can be tricky, but the sooner we share the love with the people closest to us, that's when our tribe can grow even stronger.

And in the end, you might just want to shout it from the rooftops.

I have a girlfriend!

♪ Should I stay or should I go?

♪ ♪ ADAM: So, I understand you have a recent girlfriend?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah?

- She pretty?

- Yeah.

Let me ask you something personal.

Does she call you names, like, 'cause, you know, you're a loser?

Does she call you a loser?

Los Angeles must be so amazing.

It's all right.

I did almost meet Burt Reynolds once.

It turned out to be just a guy with a cowboy hat and a mustache, but still pretty cool.

Almost the Bandit.

That's not nothing.

Yeah, but it's tougher than I thought.

Come on.

You're the most famous commercial fruit actor I know.

But I only made $875 last year.

You are in some trouble, lady.

But I'm not giving up.

I mean, what else would I even do?

- Come back to Jenkintown?

- (BOTH LAUGH)

Can you imagine me stuck in this town as an adult, doing a job?