♪ Guess who loves to watch his friends ♪ ♪ Goomer, Goomer ♪ ♪ Looks like Sue's water broke Or she peed her pants ♪ All right, baby, today's the day you come out.
I shouldn't drive.
But it's okay.
We have plenty of neighbors who can help us.
[phone ringing]
[clicks and beeps]
Mr.
Holtenwasser: You've reached one-two-one-four-three-seven.
And my phone number is Rustvale six...
Damn it.
[ringing]
Bonfiglios'.
We're having the oxtail ravioli tonight.
Go.
Sue: Mrs.
Bonfiglio, this is Sue Murphy.
I'm...
Sue Murphy!
You've gotten so fat, I hardly recognized your beautiful voice!
Thanks.
My water just broke and...
Nana Rose: Aw.
A baby is a miracle.
Yes, of course, but...
Some women can't make-a the babies but have to raise their sister's kid as their own because "Anna Maria can do no wrong." I understand, but is there any way...
Never mind that the younger sister could've been one of the world's best contralto singers.
[sighs]
I am so sorry, but...
[Nana Rose singing in Italian]
♪ Or she peed her pants ♪ ♪ Or she peed her pants ♪ ♪ Now she's getting in her car ♪ ♪ And I yell in my sleep ♪ ♪ Yelling in my sleep ♪ I hate this f*cking neighborhood.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [grunts]
Ah!
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [boom]
I hope you enjoyed the film on how thumb holes are drilled.
It was seven minutes of garbage.
Christ, it didn't even explain how they make the balls so shiny.
Sir, all you've done is complain.
Why did you come here?
To get away from my miserable life.
Fat chance of that.
Aw, it's just one endless parade of being stabbed in the back, the front, the side, and the feet by everyone near and dear to me.
Don't these people realize I k*lled a shitload of Koreans for them?
One of them in his sleep!
Ah, what's the point?
[mumbles]
Jesus Christ.
I have also k*lled in Korea, but I thought the film was very informative.
[toilet flushes]
I've never apologized to a toilet before.
Oh, dear.
Yes, there's a message for room 228.
Now, if it's a noise, smell, or flooding complaint, I can explain.
Her mucus plug?
Rosie!
Frank's wife is having the baby!
[screaming]
Go ahead!
Everybody scream at the belly freak!
[blabbering]
[screaming]
Man: Jesus Christ!
[bell rings]
What the hell?
People only shove bad things into locker vents.
You're breaking up with me?
No.
I had some time to think, and I get why you let that Vic guy change your song and all that other stuff.
You do.
It touches me that you cared about an old man instead of your own happiness.
Vic just seemed so vulnerable when he held that guitar jack to my throat and called me a c**t.
And I think that was a beautiful thing you did.
But what else would you expect from a beautiful person?
Uh...
listen...
uh...
You're, like, really special, and I...
I think we might be ready for, you know...
Yeah.
But I want our first time to be magical.
I got rid of the wasp's nest in my basement.
Okay!
Bob: The concierge at the motel said Frank was coming here.
Red, you're the only one who isn't spooked by a flight of stairs.
Go find him.
You got it, boss.
Red: Frank!
Frank Murphy!
Look, I take you to airport, but we going to need a new set of rules.
Droopy Dog here's got to sit by window.
With window open.
How dare you!
I am a champion!
I came to your city and defeated it!
Frank: I'm coming!
Ah, does it ever fail?
Sue just had to have the baby today!
I'll tell you, that f*cking woman will do anything to win an argument!
[clanging]
f*ck you, Frank, you cheap-ass son of a bitch.
[exhales]
Why didn't you fix this car?
After you went to all that trouble of poisoning Amy so I could star in the play, my dad and my grandfather ruined it.
Look on the bright side.
We got to watch a geezer knock an older geezer out.
Usually you have to give bums a bunch of booze to see that.
[groans]
My family is so messed up.
Would it make you feel better if I poisoned one of them?
Let's wait and see what I get for my birthday.
Boys, we win today, and we are champeens.
Now these kids from Westfester are tough.
They're mean.
Their center is a sixth-year senior who's part owner of a brickyard.
[grunts]
Ugh.
It's okay.
I'll buy you a beer later.
But we got something they don't got.
A captain who doesn't care how much he's hated.
Now bow your heads.
Lord, look over your team, especially your anointed rat Bill Murphy.
May he, with your holy guidance, shove a stick up the other team's ass and break it off.
In your f*cking name, amen.
All: Amen.
Jimmy, aren't you coming?
[grunts]
Aw!
f*ck you, father stealer!
[groaning]
Why does he like you better than me?
Why do you care?
He put you in m*llitary school!
He's my pip-pop!
But you took him from me.
You took my sister.
Oh, why don't you just dig up my mom too, huh?
You can't miss her.
She's under the patch of concrete in our backyard.
[sobbing]
Jimmy, I wasn't trying to steal your dad.
I did all this to say "f*ck you" to my dad.
That is not a healthy way to express feelings, sh1t licker!
[crying]
Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
[grunts]
God, bus, please come.
Please come.
b*at it, hon, this is my f*ck stop.
Janet?
Janet Vanderheim?
Quincy's mom?
It's Sue Murphy.
Oh, hi, Sue.
Please forgive my street talk, but I thought you were the new bench whore my pimp's been threatening me with.
[groans]
Aw, are you having a baby, hon?
Or did your man punch you?
I'm going into labor.
Well, let me help you get on the bus.
And I'm sorry for how I treated you in the hospital.
That place had prison vibes, and I didn't want anyone to think I was soft.
I seem to be a little short.
Sorry.
No money, no ride.
Hey!
Your name is Walt, you're married with four kids, and I know what makes your soda sh**t: my tongue up your...
Okay, all right!
You can ride.
Thank you.
That's the last time I sh1t where I eat.
You never paid for that either!
Pilot: Uh, we may be experiencing some turbulence as we go through a patch of thunder smog over Pittsburgh.
Please secure your own alcoholic beverage before helping others.
Christ, I'm gonna miss another kid being born.
I've missed every single one.
Oh-for-f*cking-four.
You'll make it, Frank.
I've already called ahead, and they're gonna clear the runway for us so you can get to the hospital right away.
Thanks.
But don't think this gets you off the hook with me.
That's not why I did it!
And it does get me off the hook.
What are you two talking about?
Ha!
Of course you didn't tell them either.
Brandy's selling Mohican, we're all getting fired, and this fat f*ck's gonna make a fortune on his stock options.
I hope someone does a**l in your mouth!
You f*cking heartless traitor!
What do you care?
You're off being a n*gro alderman!
It's just "alderman," and it ain't even a real paying job!
And up till now, I've sucked at it!
The mayor's probably f*cking me over as we speak.
Selling Mohican wasn't my idea!
But you didn't warn us about it either, you f*cking assh*le!
I tried to save the company, but we weren't in profit!
I scrimped and saved.
I cut down on the engine maintenance budget.
[all screaming]
This stop, Rustland General Hospital.
[sighs]
Finally.
[stammers]
Where's the hospital?
That corner, make a right, three-and-half blocks, you're there.
Next stop, Hobo Camp!
Pilot: Ah, there's no reason to panic.
We still have two pretty good engines and...
[stammers]
Brace for thunder smog!
[all scream]
Frank: Get it off me!
Get it off me!
I can't!
Gordon's got a mind of his own!
Frank: f*ck you for making me die like this!
We made it.
Oh, God.
We're still alive.
All right, am I the only one with a boner?
Get the f*ck off me!
Kevin: It's not the most romantic basement in the world, but I can set the mood with some birthday candles.
It won't matter.
Once I take my glasses off, I can't see anything.
You are so foxy.
Kevin!
Hey!
Aw, it's good to see you.
I'm Vic, you must be song-about girl.
Vic, yeah, we were...
We were actually just gonna go watch some TV.
For school.
Oh, yeah, there's some groovy stuff on these days.
Have you see that dolphin show?
It's just like the one with the bear that rides around on the airboat.
That bear is about ten times better-looking than the little boy on the show.
If I had a son that ugly, I'd want a bear hanging around the house to look at too.
Hey, listen, I just want to tell you I'm sorry about how I acted yesterday.
It's okay.
I forgive you.
Could you move, please?
Hey there!
[all gasp]
What the hell, Mr.
Goomer?
Ah, thank God you're here.
I was waiting to tell you that, uh...
your mom went to the hospital to have the baby.
My mom is at the hospital?
And that's why I was down here sniffing your combs.
This one's good.
Holy sh1t!
And my dad's not here.
I have to get to her.
I'll take you, man.
Anything for my Kev.
Come on, let's get in the Vic-mobile!
You're strange.
I'm Goomer.
[panting]
You're gonna make it.
[bell rings]
You're almost there.
Hey, fatty, why are you so fat?
Get away from me.
What'd you do, eat a whole person?
f*ck off!
[grunts]
Ow, I scraped my knee!
Oh, are you hurt?
[crying]
There's a hospital two blocks that way.
You can walk there, you little sh1t.
[groans]
Pilot: Ah, folks, if you look out of the right side of the plane, you'll see the engine fire is dying down.
And the Monongahela River.
As an apology for our troubles, please accept a voucher for a free flight on Mohican for as long as our silver eagles soar.
[whispers]
They're selling the company.
Aw, Christ, why am I always the last to know?
They don't tell me anything.
f*ck this airline.
Give all the vouchers out.
First time almost dying, huh?
Second or third for me.
I'll tell you, the older you get, the more you wish it happens.
Oh, son of a bitch!
I have to find a way to f*ck that mayor.
[sighs]
I can't believe we're the last of the guys who will work for this airline.
I promise you this.
If there's a chance to save Mohican, I'll do whatever I can.
Will you, really?
Of course not!
I'm gonna buy a boat!
[gasps]
I'm so selfish.
It's only a matter of time before I get fat again.
[gasps]
I can't stop eating!
[growls]
It's like God doesn't want me to be able to hide.
[sobbing]
I'm a terrible person.
Yes, you are.
But...
and, you know, this might be the almost-dying talking here, but, uh...
I forgive you.
You do?
You don't try to be a miserable piece of sh1t.
You're human.
You do your best.
That's all any of us can do.
Thanks, Frank.
A miserable piece of sh1t who can't change.
Does that sound like anyone else you know, Frank?
Jesus Christ, that's my dad.
I was talking about you, you f*cking chooch.
Oh, my God.
I've just been holding onto this anger at my dad, and what good did it do?
I have to let this go.
And it took a part-time p*rn to point it out.
You're welcome.
I feel so much better.
I'll tell you, Father Pat was right.
The only way to find peace is through forgiveness.
[horn honking]
Watch the road, you ditzy twat!
Blow it out your ass!
You g*dd*mn ingrate.
Waits till I get over 70 to punch me.
Ooh, if I was 60, he'd be hiding from me like a dog who sh1t in the house.
[chuckles]
I'll get him.
Ooh, I'll get him good.
[grunting]
I think the acid just kicked in.
There's a pregnant lady on a bike!
Okay, the acid hasn't kicked in.
Are you all right, ma'am?
[panting]
Please get this thing out of me.
Don't you worry.
You're at the best hospital in the state.
We got a lady with a bike stuck in her!
[grunts]
Come on, Rat!
Step on that overgrown ass-baby's throat!
[both grunting]
[buzzer sounds]
[grunts]
What is this sh1t?
Why didn't you hit that big moron like I told you to?
I...
I...
Oh, don't you p*ssy out on me now.
Take him down, or you're off the team!
[Bill grunts]
Ow!
I hate kids.
You're ejected!
What the f*ck was that?
What am I supposed to do without my Rat?
Coach, you've had the best rat right under your nose this whole time.
I'm surprised you didn't smell him.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons?
I could hurt kids, Papa.
I can't remember the last time I cried sober.
Jimmy, from now on, this C stands for "son." [grunts]
Whoa!
Ah!
Yeah!
[grunts]
[yelling in slow motion]
Come on, people, prep the birthing room!
I need a bite rag and some shackles!
Get your filthy medicine away from her!
They really ought to let us carry g*ns.
Samantha?
You again?
Stay out of our way.
This lady's about to get a hundred cc's of the goof juice.
I am her womb Sherpa, and she's having this baby naturally, even if it kills her.
Enough!
I'm through doing what other people tell me to do.
I got here today without any help, and I don't need you two maniacs right now.
This isn't your baby or your baby.
It's my baby and my body, and I will do it my f*cking way.
Oh, this seems like a fun day to start here.
Doctor, I want to be awake when my baby is born, but I also want to take a whole lot of painkillers.
Absolutely, yes, of course.
Just don't hurt me.
You know, it's really f*cked up that Jimmy Fitzsimmons had to show us what a normal family is.
We're not that bad, are we?
Come out and face your father like a man, Francine!
Uh...
yes.
I got something to say to you, tough guy!
Grandpa?
Oh.
Uh...
[chuckles]
Hey, kids.
Uh...
I'm just here to give your dad an early Christmas present.
He's in Cleveland.
Yeah, so you can't hit him with his Christmas present just yet.
Holy sh1t.
Vic: You know, man, I think I just got so crazy about your band 'cause, you know, the truth is I have an emptiness in my life that I was trying to fill with music and dr*gs and musical dr*gs.
[chuckles]
That's a game where, when the music stops, you do dr*gs.
Vic, not now, okay?
I have to see my mom!
Not with that attitude you won't!
Go take a seat with the rest of the bleeders.
Hey!
My mom is about to have a baby, and she's all by herself.
But I am here.
I am 15 years old, and I should totally be having s*x with my girlfriend right now.
But I am not!
My balls are bluer than the sky!
So let me see my mom, you shriveled-up old lady dildo!
Ah, let me guess, another Murphy.
Oh, I hope I'm not too late.
Drive like the wind, Frank.
And if you're stopped by the police, don't panic.
You're white!
I'm gonna get down to City Hall and show that mayor I can b*at him at his own game.
I'm gonna go find a way to save this airline.
And I'm gonna do some poppers and try to suck my own cock.
Wish me luck.
Mom!
Am I an uncle yet?
Not yet.
Is your dad here?
No.
[whimpers]
Your father's gonna miss another one.
[screams]
I don't know what to do.
I flunked home ec.
I couldn't figure out how to put on the apron.
You'll be fine.
Just...
Just help her relax.
I don't know how to do that.
No, but I bet Maui Mike does.
♪ I'm Mr.
Chilled-Out Guy ♪ ♪ Easy breezy sailing guy ♪ ♪ Catamarans go cruising by ♪ ♪ That's why they call me ♪ ♪ Mr.
Chilled-Out Guy ♪ You're a good son.
Look how grown-up you are.
Thanks, Mom.
And I'm here for you.
I'm not gonna leave your side.
You do know where this baby's gonna come out, right?
Oh, gross.
I'll see you in a little bit.
Sounds like you made your mom feel better.
That's because you make me feel better.
Hey, there you are.
Okay, where was I?
I was trying to fill a void in my soul...
Vic!
Look, you don't have to explain yourself.
It's okay.
It really is.
Your life isn't empty.
You're Vic Reynolds.
Nobody else can say that.
Thanks, man.
Hey, you want to get some soft-serve in the cafeteria?
My treat.
They got the kind where the two flavors swirl.
Thanks, Vic, but if you don't mind, Alice and I want some privacy.
Well, Vic, it finally happened.
Teenagers don't think you're cool anymore.
You're all alone.
Never should've left the seminary.
We're here to see Sue Murphy, and we don't want any of your...
Go.
Delivery room one.
If I can't drug a woman into a delirious stupor, what's the point?
Grandpa, you shouldn't be here.
Why don't you go home?
We don't want another fight breaking out if Dad shows up.
Your father started that fight, and I just...
I saw it.
You were the one that made him mad.
And then you told him to punch you.
I don't know what you did to our dad when you were his dad, but you really messed him up.
[groans]
Friday Night Girlfriend is in the lead.
Next Month's Rent is coming up fast.
Oh, Little Timmy's College Fund mysteriously broke his leg.
[chuckles]
And it's Rosie, from out of nowhere, for the win.
Mr.
Mayor, you just lost your seventh vote for that dog track.
But it's not all bad news.
I got you a library card.
Who flipped?
Somebody who likes to fly down to visit his mistress in Fort Lauderdale.
Frozen steaks, flight vouchers.
Ooh, I love serving the public.
So I guess you think you're the big dog now.
No.
I'm a junkyard dog.
You win.
For now.
For good.
We'll see.
We saw.
[panting]
I'm Frank Murphy.
I want to see my wife, and I'm not taking any sh1t from...
Where's Beatrice?
[organ music playing]
Big bill: I raised him the best I knew for the times.
Was I perfect?
No.
But I...
Oh, Christ, I really f*cked him up.
I just could never admit it.
Not even to myself.
You did what you could.
Like all of us.
I truly thought a nurse's job was to pass judgment on the sick.
All this time there's been something missing in my life.
I have nothing with real meaning.
I...
And I never knew it.
Don't blame yourself.
Men weren't designed to have depth.
Yeah, God is a F*ck*r.
I'm looking for my wife.
Right in here, pal.
[overlapping talking]
Jesus Christ!
Get me out of here!
Back!
Back, all of youse!
[grunts]
Sue!
Where are you?
Good to see you, Frank.
I see the two-headed baby told you about my back surgery after Goliath the elephant tossed me through that storefront.
That elephant is stronger than he looks, Frank.
That's because he's an African elephant and not Indian.
Bet you didn't know that, Frank, did you?
Will you stop saying my f*cking name?
I got to go!
[all scream]
Dad!
I don't want to see your face when I have a boner!
If I have a grandkid that's nine months younger than my next kid, I guarantee you, I will k*ll you.
Nice to see you again, Alice.
Ah, sh1t, I think that plane crashed.
This is hell, isn't it?
Son, I'm...
I'm so sorry for...
Dad, it's okay.
[sobbing]
No, you don't understand.
I have so much to say to you.
I was ready to bust you open with a tire iron today.
I...
I had worked it all out in my head, what I was gonna tell the police...
Dad!
Mom's down the hall.
Pop, I got to go.
But we can do this later.
I'll see you in a bit.
And I'll see you in hell.
I'm coming, Sue!
How could a nice gentleman like you raise such an assh*le?
Beatrice, we need you in delivery room two.
There's a woman going into labor, and she's demanding twilight sleep.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
It's Bea's time to shine!
Oh, no, you don't, you angel of death!
[groans]
Woman: Put all the dr*gs inside me!
Hey, that sounds like...
[grunting]
Wait a second, I know that stretched-out yow-yow.
Hey, Vic.
[chuckles]
Ooh, this is a little awkward, huh?
Karen?
Now you know my name?
It says it on your chart.
This baby's yours, and I'm not keeping it.
I'm this close to being assistant manager at the reindeer rental center.
You're having my baby?
And you're sure it's mine?
You're the only guy I've been with that didn't wear a condom.
You know I'm allergic to it when it doesn't feel good.
Are you okay?
Oh, cutie pie, you beautiful, cheating-ass bitch, you've given me a reason to live again.
I think my heart just came.
Sue, I made it in time.
Ah, thank God you were in labor all day!
That didn't come out right.
You know what I mean.
Oh, Frank, you're here.
I never should've left.
Sue, I swear to you, I'm not gonna f*ck up this kid.
Starting now, I'm gonna be a better husband.
I am gonna...
Two-and-a-half pine cones!
[groans]
[cries]
Kids, you're gonna be babysitting this little girl for free for the next ten years.
This is your family.
Oh!
Cool!
Ah.
Aw.
Hi, baby.
Oh, my God, she has no arms!
This is your brother Kevin.
You'll be smarter than him in two weeks.
[all laughing]
That's true.
Just to let you know, we're a pretty messed-up family, okay?
But we stick together.
Come on, my little angel, there's someone in the chapel who wants to meet you.
Dad, your granddaughter's here.
Oh, this is your grandpa.
He's a hell of a guy.
Did you know he could sell snowballs to Eskimos?
Right, Dad?
Oh, here we go.
Here we go for what?
Dad?
Dad?
Dad!
Dad!
♪ Oh, my papa ♪ ♪ To me, he was so wonderful ♪ ♪ Oh, my papa ♪ ♪ To me, he was so good ♪ ♪ No one could be ♪ ♪ So gentle and so lovable ♪ ♪ Oh, my papa ♪ ♪ He always understood ♪ [whirring]
[g*nsh*t]
Vic: Never should've left the seminary.