03x11 - Troller Coaster

[bunniefuu]

I have never been this jet—lagged in my life.

I have no idea what time it is.

It's 3:00. —-P.M.?

AM.

Tuesday? —Thursday.

And you are...

I overslept. I have to get to the clinic.

Steph, you've got Tommy at Gymboree. Kimmy, you have groceries today.

I'll see you guys for dinner.

Deej... It's the middle of the night.

Oh, it's 3:00 a.m.?

Tuesday?

I am not doing this again.

What are we gonna do for five hours?

Well, you could give us a breakdown on the whole are-you—getting—back together—with—-Steve—or—not situation.

I don't know what's happening with us.

We haven't spoken since... Japan.

All I know is, I'm single.

You have to meet my dentist.

The last thing I need right now is to meet someone new.

Oh, he's happily married.

I just thought if you were single, you might want your teeth whitened.

I am starving.

But my body clock is still on Tokyo time.

So it's actually 7:00 p.m. in the future.

What am I in the mood for tomorrow night?

Something from your own house, perhaps?

No, that does not sound right.

Let's see.

I'll have a chicken leg, a string cheese, and a side of hormone sh*t.

No, those are mine, Fernando.

I have to give myself sh*ts to start this whole in vitro fertilization process.

But I hate needles.

I could help you.

I give Fernando his allergy sh*ts all the time.

She does. I am allergic to everything.

Grass, peanuts, balloon animals.

Balloons are fine, but once they turn into poodles, it is Sneezeville, USA.

Good morning.

Good evening.

Whatever it is.

How you doing?

What? —What happened?

Ramona. Letter.

School.

I am also allergic to pineapples, almonds, jazz...

Fine.

Let me see why Kimmy's freaking out.

What? What?

Ramona. Letter. School.

Enough with the screaming. Would somebody read the letter?

It's from the San Francisco School of the Performing Arts.

I got in.

Oh!

All our hard work paid off.

All of the carpools.

And the dance camps.

And the recital costumes.

Our dance dreams are finally coming true.

Guys, I'm over here.

Ramona, this is not about you.

Oh. Yes, it is. Congratulations.

Bad news, Max. You're 4'1" and three—quarters.

Ugh...

Wait a second.

I got this hair gunk from Uncle Jesse.

Okay. Try it now.

Huh! 42"!

I did it.

Hey. What's going on?

Why does it look like you've been struck by lightning?

I'm finally tall enough to ride on the Troller Coaster.

It's the scariest roller coaster at Mighty Mountain.

Oh, I love Mighty Mountain. I haven't been there since high school, when my hair got caught in the log ride.

I had big hair.

So, can I go, Mom?

Please?

Sure. Why not?

Yes.

We can have a mother—son, super-sized fun day.

I'll go pack us some snacks.

Do you want carrot or celery sticks?

What the heck. We're having a mother-son, super-sized fun day.

I'm bringing both.

Wow.

I'm finally riding on the Troller Coaster.

What if I'm not as brave as you?

You think I'm brave?

Well, I mean, I don't like labels, but, you know...

"Brave," "tough as nails,"

"dashingly handsome.” Yeah. Those all apply.

So, if I'm gonna do this, tell me exactly what happens on the Troller Coaster.

I'm assuming there's trolls.

Trolls galore.

Maybe it's better if I just show you. Sit here.

Your cart takes you up the ramp as the sound of machinery fills your ears...

Doesn't sound too scary to me.

And then you drop straight down 100 feet.

And then you pull into a 360.

And just when you least expect it, troll, troll, troll.

Three trolls in a row?

I'm having palpitations.

You're gonna go on the ride with me, right? I need you.

Well, I mean, I'm kind of bored with it by now.

But if you really want your brave big brother on the ride with you, then okay.

Just remember, real courage looks fear in the eye and says, "Not today, fear."

Wow.

Kara, you've been so helpful.

I'm really lucky you're my student mentor.

You are. I'm the best.

Well, your campus tour was amazing.

Although Fernando never made it out of the gift shop.

I admit, I was a maniac, maniac...

At the store.

I was buying like I've never bought before.

Let me show you to my room.

Immediately.

This outfit makes me want to Flashdance.

I'll get the chair.

Kimberlina, fill my bucket.

When did I become the normal one?

Hey, Kimmy. I changed my mind.

I need your help with my hormone sh*t.

It's a little harder to stick myself in the butt than I thought.

I'll stick you in the butt.

Drop trou. Bend over.

Can't we start with a little conversation first? I mean...

You know, maybe tell me I'm pretty?

Well, you're not my type, but you're okay.

Step, touch, step, pirouette, pas de bourrée, back, spin.

Again.

Again?

We've been doing this for half an hour.

Can we please take a break?

I guess so.

It's not like anyone's watching us.

Let's have lunch.

This is wheat germ, kale and beets.

Yum!

Um, it's...

It's kind of chalky and tastes like dirt.

I know. It's so much better than it used to be.

Ooh, so, what do you do at school besides dance?

Oh, we have lots of fun.

We warm up, we cool down, we stretch.

Oh! And on Fridays, we ice our joints.

But mostly, we dance.

So, no parties?

No hanging out at the mall with friends?

No boys? —Oh, no.

This isn't high school, it's SaFSPA.

And you're gonna love it.

"Get out while you still can"?

No. I love SaFSPA.

It's the best decision I ever made.

Run.

Now, don't you worry.

I've given lots of sh*ts, and I know how to make the patient feel relaxed, and at ease, and... Sweet cheese! This isn't a needle. It's a lawn dart.

Not helping.

I'm sorry. Now, the key is to distract the patient so they don't see it coming.

Hello? Oh, it's for you.

Kimmy, I know this is gonna hurt. Can we just get on with the pain?

Okay, but before I do, look.

I know we haven't always gotten along.

But the real truth is, you're like a sister to me.

And I really want this baby thing to work for you, because you are gonna be a great mom.

Wow.

That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

I think I might cry.

Well, go ahead. We're done.

Here's your lollipop.

Wait. You gave me my sh*t already?

Mmm-hmm. —When?

While I was blathering on about sister this and baby that.

Now...

If you'll excuse me, I need to take this call.

I told you not to call me on this banana.

Whoo! Who's ready for the Troller Coaster?

I know I am.

Whoo-hoo! Yee—haw! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Mom, what are you doing?

I know. I'm just trying to stay pumped.

This wait has been excruciating.

Well, it will all be worth it when we get the scare of our lives.

You're next. Are you alone?

Well, for now.

I broke up with my boyfriend—slash—business—partner, and now my high school sweetheart might be back in the picture.

But who knows? I had to...

Oh, oh... You mean for the ride.

Um...

Yeah, I'm alone.

Big surprise.

All right. We've got a single rider.

She's a lonely lady with a complicated story.

Come on. Don't make her ride alone. She's desperate.

Is that really necessary?

No, but it's the only joy I get.

Excuse me, guys.

Excuse me. Sorry, guys. Coming through.

Steve? What are you doing here?

He's cutting, is what he's doing here.

Hey, this is Craig, up top the TC.

We got a cutter.

Relax, pal. I'm a doctor.

What kind of doctor?

Podiatrist.

That's not a real doctor.

You sound like my mother.

Stephanie told me where to find you.

I just landed and I couldn't wait to talk to you.

Okay. But can we do this someplace else?

Like, not inside a troll?

No. This cannot wait, okay?

I have something extremely important to ask you.

How was your flight?

Did that troll just sneeze on me?

Okay. You're next.

You know what, Max?

What do you say we ditch this kiddie ride and go grab some funnel cakes?

Are you kidding? This is why we came.

Come on, guys. It's time to...

Rock 'n' troll.

I'm sorry, Max. I thought I could do this, but I can't. It's too scary.

This is Craig, up top the TC. Hold the ride.

We got a code three BBC.

That's a Big Baby Chicken.

Why are you freaking out? You've already been on this.

Look, I lied, okay? I hate roller coasters.

Even the tram ride from the parking lot got me a little queasy.

Why would you lie to me?

Because for the first time ever, you actually looked up to me.

You called me "brave."

Just remember what you told me.

Real courage looks fear in the eye and says, "Not today, fear."

Nah, doesn't sound like me.

I'm more of a "Fear, you make a good point" kind of guy.

Well, if you're too scared to do it, then...

Then let's just go home.

Wait. Hold on a second, Max. Look.

I know this was your dream and I don't want to be the one to crush it.

Let's rock 'n' troll.

That's my hero.

Here we go.

Hey, Craig.

That would have been a great time to press the "go" button.

I'm not scared. —I'm not scared.

Okay. Now I'm scared.

D.J., I've been thinking a lot about you and me.

Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about you, too.

Well...

Look, I don't know how to tell you this, so...

I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

Oh, my God.

Max, in case we don't make it, I'm sorry I stole money from your secret stash and ate your Skinny Cow ice cream.

And I'm sorry I fold your clothes when you're sleeping.

You did...

Hold me.

Whoa.

Holy chalupa.

Hey, did I say anything about my feelings?

Mostly you just screamed, "I don't want to die.” To be fair, those were my feelings.

There's the line cutter right there.

Hey, where are you taking him?

Where all the cutters go.

Security Land.

D.J., wait for me.

We're alive.

Yes.

That was amazing. —I did not expect that first drop.

Oh, my gosh. That must have been at least 200 feet.

Yeah. —That's straight down, plummeting.

A troll got this close to our faces. —II saw it.

Mom, we did it, and it was amazing.

We looked fear in the eye, and we said...

Let's ride it again.

Is Cosmo gonna be okay, Dr. Tommy?

All better.

So, Stephanie, have you noticed any side effects from the hormone sh*t yet?

No, I'm great. —Really?

Because Kimmy tells me you may experience nausea, mood swings, sudden unexplained rage...

Fernando, I told you I am fine.

I am so sorry. I don't know where that came from.

Well, maybe it was the hormones.

I know where it came from.

I'm sorry. Wow.

Hey, guys.

There's my tiny dancer.

Oh, that's weird, it's SaFSPA.

Hello?

Yes, this is Ramona.

Wait, what?

This is so unfair. How could you do this to me?

Thanks for ruining my life.

Well, is it good news or bad?

They said there's been a mix-up, that there isn't a spot for me after all.

This is completely unacceptable.

How can they do this to you?

Looks like I'm doomed to a life of regular high school.

I feel awful. —Me, too.

Why do we even bother living?

We're just ants marching in a line that can be stepped on at any time.

Stephanie, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm fine. Why?

You guys are the weird ones.

Just a minute.

Come in.

Hey, honey.

We feel so bad for you.

It's okay, guys. I feel like I'll bounce back.

Someday.

Oh, you left your cell phone downstairs.

You didn't miss any messages.

Except this one, from Lola.

Would you like to read it, Fernando?

Certainly.

"Did your parents buy it when I called

"and pretended to be your dance school?

"LOL, LOL, winky face.”

That could mean anything.

Why don't you want to go to dance school?

It's not because I don't love dancing. I do.

I just realized that I don't want it to be my whole life.

You know, I want to be a regular teenager and hang out with my friends, and have a boyfriend, and chew solid food.

So, why did you not tell us?

Because I thought you'd be disappointed.

And you guys have done everything for me.

And I didn't want to let you down after all the time and money you've invested in me.

Honey, you're not an investment. You're our daughter.

Our very expensive daughter.

Your dancing isn't what's important to us.

Your happiness is.

Thanks, you guys.

You know, the fact that I don't have to dance makes me want to dance.

Ah. The irony.

/ don't have fo dance I don't have fo dance She doesn't have fo dance —/ don't have to dance I don't have fo dance Thanks, Mom. That was the best last day of the best summer ever.

We've got the T-shirts to prove it.

Sodol.

You know what? I think we're approaching the point in our relationship where you might actually be fun to be around.

For the first time, Max, I can see the day when you're not gonna be a constant pain in the butt.

Aw, more brother bonding.

Don't make this weird, Mom.

Oh, it's always open.

D.J., I gotta talk to you. But I don't know how much time I have.

They could be right behind me.

What are you talking about? —I busted out of Security Land.

Well, actually, I said, "ll have to go to the bathroom," and then I never came back.

Boys, can I have a moment alone with Steve?

Why?

Well, you're a little too young to understand.

Is it because Steve dumped CJ and you dumped Matt because you both still have unresolved feelings for each other?

No. Well... Maybe. Just...

Go to your room, please.

Well, I guess Max kind of summed it up.

We do have all these feelings, but we both just got out of serious relationships.

So, what do we do now?

Well, part of me wants to ask you out on a date, but I don't think it would be right for us to just jump into something else so quickly.

Yeah, I agree.

We both need time to deal with what happened in Japan so we don't bring in any baggage with whatever happens next.

And when exactly does "whatever happens next" happen?

I don't know.

Two weeks seems too soon.

Yeah, but six weeks seems like way too long.

So, how about a month?

I've waited 20 years to be with you.

What's one more month?

Aw...

Look at you two. So cute.

You're having a moment, and I just ruined it.

Oh! The old mariner.

Oh, look at him. He's so creepy. But I love him so much.

Oh. Why am I going up the stairs when my room is in the basement?

I think I'd better get going.

So, um...

I'll see you in a month.

Starting right now.