02x07 - Episode #2.7

[bunniefuu]

I always feel like I'm right on the edge of being sick of boiled eggs, but... never happens.

That's how I feel about you. Hmm?

Not that I think I'm gonna get sick of you. I just... I mean...

I was trying to think of something nice to say that related to what you said, but then I realised how it sounded.

It's fine. Thanks.

(PHONE BEEPS) Em.

"Happy breakfast, loser."

Right on time. Shall we ask her to stop doing that?

No, I deserve it. I left her living with Mum on her own.

Mum's probably making her life miserable.

EMMA: Are you ready?

I hope you're ready, 'cause it's too late if you're not ready, because here comes the big reveal!

What do you think?

Great. You could be a model. You think?

Nah. This is a one-off.

I'm into making people feel good, and the only time models make people feel good is when they fall down.

(GASPS) Maybe I should fall down.

Sympathy is a great substitute for talent.

What kind of catwalk do they have? There won't be a catwalk.

It's just a stage... if you're lucky.

Look, it's my first time in the Rosehaven Hops Festival costume competition.

Help me out. What are the judges looking for?

I never go to the costume competition.

I'll be helping the Ladies Auxiliary coordinate their stall.

Because you love craft and cakes and doilies? Me too.

It's a great money-spinner for the local charities.

Do you know what I love?

Your town has a costume contest and not a beauty contest, we get the day off stupid work... You know I'm your boss?

..and you get to meet my mum. Your mum?

Yeah, sorry. Um, she's coming down tomorrow, just for a night.

I thought she could stay in Dan's room.

Thanks for the notice.

Maybe you can offer her my room and I can sleep on the porch.

You don't have to do that.

You're gonna love her. She's just like me.

Oh!

Did that look real?

♪ Yeah, we know

♪ Even if we had so far to go

♪ Even if the pace is slow

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again

♪ If we find

♪ Something to feel that we belong

♪ If we could right all the wrongs

♪ I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

It's not a very sexy product, is it - hops?

It's a seed, right? It's a flower.

It's in beer. I thought you'd love it.

I love cake, but I wouldn't go to a baking powder festival.

Yeah, but hops is used for heaps of stuff.

Insomnia, irritable bowel syndrome... Well, great.

If Mum can't sleep and shits herself...

Are you nervous about her coming down?

Nah. Someone from the family had to visit eventually, just to check I'm not living under a bridge or eating dr*gs or something.

And she probably misses you.

You don't have to do that.

You've met her. She's nice. We're just not close.

Yeah, fair enough. She had five kids.

By the time I came along, I'd be pretty over it too.

Sorry. Why? It was the best.

I could do whatever I wanted.

My family already had a smart kid, a musical kid, a buff kid, so buggerlugs here didn't have to be anything.

A buff kid?

But obviously I am looking forward to her seeing how great I am doing, and then telling everyone how great I am doing.

(SHOP BELL CHIMES) Steve. My favourite client.

How are you? Fine.

So, my house has been for sale for a while now.

Yes. Sorry about that.

I'm doing everything I can to get it out there, including putting the photo of it up on the display window at about the height of the average person, which is 170cm, according to the internet.

Yes. The thing is I've been investigating how I can take advantage of certain planetary movements over the next few days.

OK.

And with Neptune opposing Pluto, now's the perfect time for a change.

Right.

So, if we don't have an offer within the next couple of days, it's time for me to change agents.

The next couple of days?

Steve, the office is closed tomorrow for the festival.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

That's what I'm getting from the charts.

Yes, but...

Hopefully, the change they predict will be an offer, but it's not an exact science.

Well, it's not a science at all.

What was that? Nothing.

(BELL CHIMES, DOOR CLOSES) (QUIETLY COUNTS TO TEN)

Mum, Steve's given me until tomorrow...

Why didn't you tell me you were having a cake meeting?

They're for the RLA stall. They want me to taste them before tomorrow.

Fantastic! I'm starving.

No, only RLA members can taste them before the festival.

Can I join the RLA? Sure.

Sweet! Can I join too?

No. It's the Rosehaven LADIES Auxiliary.

(SNORTS) Doesn't seem fair.

We can discuss inclusivity right after I eat some free cake for women.

What's up?

Steve's given me until tomorrow to find a buyer for his house.

You've done what you can.

If Steve wants to be impatient, that's on him, not you.

Well, what if the office stayed open tomorrow?

Just in case someone comes in. No way!

I'll run it by myself. I support you.

There's no point. Everyone'll be at the festival.

All the local businesses shut down.

OK, well, what if I brought us to the festival?

If you wanna work on your day off, I'm not gonna stop you.

OK, great.

Uh!

Ladies only.

Oh, my God.

This is a good idea, right?

Yes, it's an excellent idea.

You don't have to hang around.

I don't want us both to miss out on the festival.

I know how much you love... woodchopping competitions.

No, I'm not missing out. I wanted to come to the festival to be with you.

Is Emma coming down? Yes, but not to work.

She's hanging out with her mum all day.

Well, I know - I can be your Em today.

What does she normally do?

You can make fun of me, if you like.

You got it.

You're dumb. That's a bit harsh.

Oh. No, I'm sorry. No, no, that's good.

Right.

Well, you're also not very good at sports.

Really? No. Um... I mean yes.

It's fine. You'll get the hang of it.

Well? What do you think?

Oh, sorry. Is this it? Yeah!

Great, right?

It doesn't even have a Brumby's.

No. There's no chain anything.

The bakery's just the Rosehaven Bakery.

Oh. We have a standing order at our Brumby's.

Oh, Em, did I tell you?

Your father's decided he doesn't like sultanas again.

I can't keep up.

Too late to cancel, so now we're buried in hot cross buns!

Sure, but... what do you think? What?

The town! What about it?

Do you like it?

Well, do you like it? I love it.

Well, that's good, then. (SIGHS) And...?

Well, I guess there are worse places to hide out.

I'm not hiding, Mum.

Emma, everyone's gotten over what happened.

No need to feel embarrassed. I don't feel embarrassed.

People very rarely talk about it anymore.

I wouldn't be surprised if they've forgotten you were left on your honeymoon.

I'D almost forgotten. Thanks, Mum. Josh is fine now.

He's with someone else.

No-one's mad at you.

No-one should be. He broke up with me.

Look, I really feel the best way to put a full stop to this whole messy business is for you to come back.

And we'll get you a makeover.

That'll show him. I don't want to show him.

Yes, initially I might have been hiding...

Until the heat d*ed down, and now it has.

No. Now I just live here.

Oh. (SIGHS)

OK. Well, why don't we go back into Hobart and talk about it over a cappuccino?

You just got here. Oh. OK.

Well, I... just thought I'd seen it. You said this was it.

Oh, there's more. Come on.

What the heck is an emergency butcher?

It's 3am minced beef is what it is. Oh.

I forgot I don't have a key to the office, but I do work there.

I have business cards.

If Daniel's taking care of you, that's fine, but, you know, I'm not going to give you any money.

Your father doesn't think we should. I don't need it. I have a job.

If I was lying, I wouldn't have come up with 'real estate agent'.

Daniel. Can you please tell my mum that I have a job?

Yes, she does. Thank you.

Hi, Pam. Good to see you again.

Hello, Daniel. Oh, sorry. Oh...

I'm sorry. I didn't know which greeting to go with.

No-one could tell.

This is my partner, Grace. He says 'partner'.

Hi. Hello.

Are you sure you're gonna be OK without me today?

Yeah, yeah, fine. Grace is filling in for you.

Is she? Yeah, yeah. We're all good.

Enjoy the festival.

OK. Well... have fun.

Bye. See you.

Gosh, she's very pretty, isn't she?

Must be so hard for you to see them together.

And here we go again. No, Mum.

It's not, because he's my friend, and I'm not in love with him.

It's just that when I describe the situation to people, it sounds like...

Yeah, well, 'pthfft!' sounds like a fart, and it's not.

Ohh!

Hi. Would you be interested in buying a 3-bedroom...

No? OK.

Uh, so, we've got an amazing opportunity just up the road, if you're...

Any luck?

One guy said he might stop by later, but he looked up and to the left, so I think he might be lying.

Ugh. I can't even get someone to take a flyer.

It's almost like buying a house isn't a hops festival thing.

Yeah. Yeah, this was... stupid.

No. I'm sorry. No, no, Grace, it's fine.

WOMAN: Nice stall.

Stacey. Surprised to see you here.

Thought you hated all things Rosehaven.

I can't work in the information centre if I don't keep up to date with the local activities.

Grace.

Hi. Enjoying the festival?

I was in Rosstown for their apple festival last week.

It was a lot better.

Rosstown are scum! They don't even have many apples!

Why don't you move there if you love it so much?

Jim's family's here. We got engaged.

Congratulations. Thank you.

So it looks like I'm stuck here.

That must be really terrible for you.

And we're looking for a property.

Sorry? We're looking to buy.

Our house isn't big enough if we wanna have kids.

I... thought you were glowing.

I'm not pregnant yet. Nor do you look it.

You look... great.

Listen, I have got a 3-bedroom just up the road that could be just what you're looking for.

It's exceptionally priced, it's on a great block of land, and you could say it's an excellent HOP-portunity.

Sorry.

Yeah, alright. We'll come down to the office next week.

Or we can go now.

You could have the pick of the bedrooms. They're all empty now.

You could have Ryan's. You've always wanted his room.

I did have his room - '98 to 2001.

Oh. (GASPS) Wow. Mum, look at this.

They've been extinct for ages.

We should ask the Tassie tiger man something.

Hello!

sh**t.

Where was it? By my bins.

Cool.

You wanna ask something? My treat.

Why don't we catch up with my friend Cindy in Battery Point?

It's right on the waterfront.

She said she'd be home this afternoon and we're quite welcome to stay the night, if we like.

You can catch up with friends anytime.

I'm gonna be in a small-town costume competition.

It's the closest I'll get to a graduation ceremony.

I'll tell her we'll see how we're travelling later.

Did you hear about John, Barbara? No.

He was cleaning out his shotgun, looking down the barrel, didn't realise it was loaded.

Anyway, he got bitten by a spider.

Was off work three weeks. Mmm.

Barbara, this - dramatic pause - is my mum, Pam.

Mum, this is Barbara.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

How was the flight? Oh, it was fine.

Didn't like the snack very much. Oh. What was it?

Muesli bar. Yeah, fair enough.

You're getting along!

Mum, Barbara loves doing puzzles on a Sunday and you love doing the Sunday crossword, so you both love solving things on weekends.

I do like to do the crossword on the weekend.

Barbara, do you have other things that you like to do on a Sunday?

I know how human interaction works, Emma.

Right. Sorry. Uh, I'll leave you to it.

I'm gonna go register for the competition.

I'll come with you.

We've got a lot to discuss. No, no! You guys are bonding.

Lovely to meet you, Barbara. You too, Pam.

Come along.

Look, we can't... Just...

We don't want to spend a fortune.

I think you'll find the property is very good value.

I can't imagine any of them going for that much around here.

Shall we make a move? HOP in?

Referring, of course, to the... hop festival. I'm gonna stop doing it.

Dr Howlett. I thought that was you. Hi, Graham.

I need to talk to you about a lump in my throat.

My wife says it's anxiety but I'm sure I've swallowed a small bone.

Graham, I'm not your doctor anymore. It'll just take a moment.

Graham, I'm trying to show a house, sorry.

If you can come knock on my door whenever you want, it's only fair I can barge in on you.

Yeah, that was once. I offered you a free appraisal and you insulted me.

Yeah, well, I want a free appraisal now. But not from you - from Grace.

Well, too bad!

I don't like sitting in the middle. You didn't have to come, Graham.

OLIVE: Thank you.

Hi, Olive. Emma.

This is my mum, Pam.

Are you both here to join the Neighbourhood Watch?

No. I'm leaving tomorrow. Oh.

Just you, then? It's taken you long enough.

Paperwork's pretty self-explanatory. We just need three forms of ID.

Much as I'd love to play pretends that there's crime here, no, I'm here to sign up for the costume competition.

What? I know, it's dumb.

But what am I gonna do - NOT enter a costume competition?

Well, you can't.

Can't what? Enter.

The competition isn't open to visitors.

Me? I'm not a visitor.

You weren't born here.

You've only been here a few months.

Is this because I didn't join your stupid club?

Stupid, is it? Sounds like something a visitor would say.

And no, it's tradition.

If we just start letting ANYBODY in the costume competition...

But I live here. I've already said no.

What's the hold-up? Can you move along, please?

Hey, Olive. Frank. Hi, Matthew.

The brownies aren't moving as fast as we'd hoped.

Mm.

It's not your fault, Joan - you did a good batch.

We always knew the white chocolate cupcakes would dominate this year.

Going to get your kit on?

Nah, I changed my mind - I'm not gonna enter.

So my lounge room's a mess for no reason?

Yeah. Sorry.

MADDRICK: (OVER P.A.) I guarantee you won't find a fresher tart.

And get ready for the spectacle of the Rosehaven Hops Festival costume competition, starting shortly.

(GOAT BLEATS)

PAM: I don't think that counts as petting.

He likes it.

I don't know why you're gripping the goat so much.

You ARE a visitor.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Some of the most glamorous people in the world are guests or holidaymakers.

I'm not on holiday. OK.

I'm just saying that if you don't feel accepted here you can always come home.

Your dad would love it too, I'm sure.

I don't want you to waste your life down here.

You wanted to be a pilot once.

That was Jane. Oh. Right.

And she IS a pilot.

Oh, well.

I have a job here.

It seems like Daniel's doctor girlfriend is fine with filling in for you.

And how long are you going to stay at his mum's house?

Isn't it odd now that he's not there anymore?

(GOAT BLEATS)

If I came home... Hmm?

..could I have a goat?

We could discuss that.

(GOAT BLEATS)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(STACEY AND JIM CONVERSE INDISTINCTLY)

Alright.

We like it.

Great.

$290,000.

Uh, as a weirdly large deposit, or...?

No.

It's just, that's quite a bit less than the owner is after.

Um, as I... as I said, he won't consider anything below $320,000.

Well, that's what we're offering.

It's not Rosstown.

Right. (SIGHS)

You're still right to give us a lift home, right?

Uh, yeah. Just... give me a second to lock up.

GRAHAM: I told her it was important that I keep the area dry.

Well, now she won't let me use the hair dryer anymore.

(DOOR CLOSES)

How did you go?

They made an offer. That's great!

Yeah.

I'd like to make one too.

Really? Yes.

I'm looking for a new investment property.

$320,000.

That... that's great.

Well, I'm... I'm aware it's at the lower range of what it's advertised for...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's... that's fine.

Um, thank you.

Uh, I will put that to the owner.

Good.

I'd like to be taken home now, please.

Yes, of course. Um, just give me a second to finish up and I'll be... I'll be right out.

(OPENS AND CLOSES DOOR)

I'm gonna sell a house! No, you're not!

What? Why?

Oh, no, I was just being Em again.

Oh, let's drop the teasing thing. (SIGHS) Thank you.

Well, you should tell her. (TUTS) Oh! The competition!

Um... (ORCHESTRAL FANFARE PLAYS)

MADDRICK: Welcome, everyone, to Rosehaven's 23rd annual Hops Festival costume competition!

We have a stellar line-up today, don't we, Bruce?

We sure do, Maddrick.

And from what I can see backstage... (WHISTLES)

..this is gonna be a hard one to judge.

No doubt. No doubt.

And on that note, please, everyone, a hand for Olive, Frank and Anne from the Neighbourhood Watch - our resident judges.

Now, I'm excited, mate, not just because we're getting a slab of beer each for hosting today's event...

It's one slab for both of you.

Sorry, just to be clear, that's one slab that we have to share?

Yes.

(QUIETLY) Mate, this is bogus.

(BOTH SPEAK INAUDIBLY) (SIGHS)

You're very lucky we're professionals.

Everybody else is busy with their careers or their family or careers AND family, but not you.

You and I could do things - go out for meals, we could have our eyebrows tinted.

Yeah, I guess. Oh, it'll be great.

I'll order your favourite - stroganoff.

That's Sarah's favourite.

Oh, we can talk about details over Asian fusion.

My friend Cindy has already made a booking.

Here you are. Let's go.

What? Why do you have that?

The competition! Why else would I be carrying this bloody thing?

Olive said I couldn't enter.

Well, she's had a change of heart since I threatened to start my own neighbourhood watch with the RLA.

You're in. Let's go.

You did that?

Thanks.

But it's... a silly idea anyway.

Mum and I gonna go into Hobart and have a bit of a chat about my future over some... Asian fusion.

My friend Cindy knows a place.

Might get your house to yourself again.

But it was lovely to meet you.

DANIEL: Hey. What are you doing here? GRACE: It's started.

There's a guy dressed as a hop farmer.

Well, I think he is - he's just wearing a flannel shirt and jeans.

I'm not gonna do it. Olive said visitors can't enter.

I'm gonna go with mum and talk about my future and stuff.

We've got a lot to plan. What?

Yeah, maybe it's time to go home, get my eyebrows tinted.

Em, you love Rosehaven more than most of the people that were born here.

You... you're not a visitor.

We'd better get going if we want to make that booking.

BARBARA: Right.

I'm wearing it, then, am I?

Well, someone's gotta show off this handiwork.

I haven't shaved my legs in 15 years, so this'll be interesting.

I hope there's no children in the front row.

Or... I could wear it?

You? You hate costumes.

More than being nude - and you REALLY hate being nude.

Only in front of other people.

Not you.

Plus, the town needs to see this...

I assume it's a hop? GRACE: Me too. I wanna wear it.

Even if it's been made with that type of hot glue that I'm allergic to.

Mum? Oh, God, no.

I'm not wearing that godawful thing! Are you mad?

(UP-b*at MUSIC PLAYS)

(APPLAUSE)

Alright. Alright!

Thank you, Jessica - for wearing the same costume as the last... four years.

MADDRICK: Yeah, poor effort.

But it does build anticipation for our next entrant.

We have Matthew, with the amazing drunk rabbit.

Oh! (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES)

He's hitting both the 'hops' theme with the beer helmet, but also a great play on the word 'hop', because that is what rabbits do.

That's very clever.

No, I mean you, Bruce. I never would've picked that up.

Here we have, dressed, from what I can tell, as an actual hop...

(APPLAUSE) ..Emma.

If you've been wondering what a hop looks like, uh, there you go.

Whoo!

Yeah, a surprisingly brave choice in the end.

Everyone chose something hop-themed, Emma's gone straight to the source.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh! And a fall there from Emma.

Looks like she's...

Nuh, she's alright. (APPLAUSE)

It was either an accident or... perhaps she's trying to symbolise how having too many hop-related beverages makes you a bit wobbly on your feet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very... very important message.

(APPLAUSE)

MADDRICK: Another fantastic year for the Rosehaven Hops Festival costume competition.

BRUCE: Yes, and now that we've got everyone assembled we'd like to invite Olive up onto the stage to announce the winner.

(APPLAUSE)

This year, the Rosehaven Neighbourhood Watch, one of the town's oldest... and most important organisations, would like to crown...

..Trevor the winner.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Trevor, of course, dressed as a bathroom scale after losing all that weight due to a terrible bout of irritable bowel syndrome last year.

He swears it was hops that enabled him to fight it off.

Bloody inspirational.

Onya, Trev.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

CROWD: (CHANTS) Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!

The ghost? Yeah, it was great. Yeah.

I lost! You should've won.

Agreed. Good job, Em.

Thank you. But, oh, my God, that guy so deserved to win.

The scales actually worked if you stepped on him.

Really? That's pretty cool.

You know what else is cool?

I got an offer on Steve's house.

Two. Two?! That's great!

What'd he say? I was just gonna go tell him now.

Are you... all good?

Good! OK.

What'd you think, Mum?

Uh...

Did you like it? I loved it.

Mm.

Hello, Steve?

I have got excellent news - I got two offers on your house today.

$320,000. I know it's at the lower end of what you're after, but...

Yes, but... that doesn't mean...

No...

Yeah, I understand.

What time's Cindy expecting us?

Oh, I can see her anytime.

We should really stay and celebrate your almost-win.

If you want to. Oh, just for tonight.

I really just came over to check you weren't living under a bridge or anything, and that you're doing OK.

But you really must come back to Melbourne at some point, to visit.

At least, to get the rest of your things.

Sure.

You know, you can call me if you're lonely.

Not that you are, but...

..just, if you want.

(CHUCKLES) Hey.

(SIGHS) Ugh. What happened?

Steve said, because I got two offers in one day, that interest in his property must be growing.

And... Venus has entered... Pisces, or something.

OK. So?

He wants to have an auction.

Emma's been a great help but we don't need a full-time property manager anymore.

I quit.

Why does it have to be me? Why am I disposable?

Can we please talk about this?

What about the auction?

STEVE: Gonna get me a good price?

Well, your reserve is set at $320,000 but I'm hopeful we'll get well above that.

Can I get $300,000?

Does anyone have a double shoulder injury that would prevent them from raising their arms?

Oh! That's a nice drop.

Gerald's Rock Shiraz.

I've got one there for you if you want to take it back with you.

Thank you.

You guys should exchange phone numbers.

Yes. Remind me to give you one of Mum's business cards.

We could all go around wearing T-shirts that say 'Best Friends Club'.

Or you two could shut up and let us enjoy a glass of wine.

I agree.

So...

It's just like The Golden Girls! I know!