02x01 - Globo

[bunniefuu]

So, how are we today?

- Good?

- I'm all right, yeah.

You like some water?

Yeah, sure, that'd be nice.

Can we get Guy water?

So, what can we do for you today, Mr.

Man?

You know, the usual?

You don't seem so sure.

Yeah, I do.

I'm sure.

Here you go.

- What are you doing here?

- I work here.

Oh, hell yeah!

Mmm!

[clippers buzzing]

[funky music playing]

[scatting]

[humming along]

Okay.

I think it's time we scrap it, boss man.

Wait, why can't I move my hands?

[echoing]

Just relax, please.

Wait a second, you don't need to use those.

[distorted]

Don't use those.

I don't need that.

All right.

[buzzing stops]

[gasps]

[laughs]

[laughing continues]

[screams]

[scream echoes]

[machinery beeping outside]

Oh, weird.

That was so weird.

[Beth moans]

Weird dream.

[Beth groans]

- Dude, it was like...

- No, no, no, no.

I like you, but...

your worst quality is your dream sharing.

What?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Your ayahuasca trip sharing is something I'd like to nominate as much worse.

Oh, look!

The envelope just came in.

Oh!

And the award for the worst quality goes to you, for your f*cking night farting.

[groans]

Oh my God.

You heard that, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I heard it.

It was super f*cking loud.

I was asleep and you woke me when your assh*le was just coughing up a lung.

I think this was like, uh, last year's Oscars and there must've been a mixup.

[laughs]

- You must've...

- I'll be Faye Dunaway.

It must've been...

- Oh, I'm the Warren Beatty.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd like to accept this award on behalf of all the children who never had a chance to night fart.

I mean, also I'd like to thank my colon - who's always been behind me.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Something bad happened.

- What?

f*ck.

No.

[phone pings, vibrates]

[phone pinging, vibrating]

I think I'm gonna go to work early.

Yeah, that makes sense.

[phone continues pinging]

Jesus.

[sighs]

[distant siren wailing]

[cumbia pop song playing]

♪ Money, money, money, money, money...

Yeah!

♪ ♪ Money, money, money, money, money...

Yeah!

♪ ♪ Hey!

Don't call me, boy boy!

♪ [song continuing in Spanish]

[phone rings]

[song continuing in Spanish]

_ ♪ ♪ [meows]

_ [song continuing in Spanish]

♪ Money, money, money, it's all you ever think about!

♪ ♪ Money ♪ ♪ Money ♪ ♪ Money ♪ ♪ Money, money, money, it's all you ever think about!

♪ ♪ Money, money, money, money, money...

Yeah!

♪ ♪ Money, money, money, money, money...

Yeah!

♪ ♪ Money, money, money, money, money...

Yeah!

♪ [doorbell buzzes]

Oh, thank God you're working, 'cause I woke up to an email that was like, "Hey, Brian, we really need you to come in today." And I was like, "Did you read the f*cking news?" It's like a phantasmagoria of despair out there.

Let me get my wallet.

Yeah, it's f*cking terrible, man.

You know my roommate.

- Hey, man.

- Hey, man.

Oh, holy sh*t.

Damn, I didn't even recognize you, man.

Yeah, I, uh, I lost some weight.

Yeah, it's great.

How'd you do that?

Exercise, and I, like, changed my whole relationship with food.

I've been spinning, running, weight lifting.

Okay.

I've been eating a lot of salads.

Which sucks, but you know, at least I won't be the fat guy anymore.

I'm terrified to even go outside now.

Is that crazy?

No, it's not so bad out there, though, man.

I mean, everyone's being really nice to each other.

It's kind of like post-9/11, "We're all in this together" vibe.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah.

It's pretty cool.

It's peaceful.

Okay, well, I'm not able to be "in this together" with anyone until I calm the f*ck down.

Okay.

I got you.

What do you have that's good for turning my brain off?

All right, man, I have to go.

It was great seeing you.

See ya, man.

Good job.

Uh, God's Gift.

That'll put you right down.

And, uh, Northern Lights.

That'll do it too.

All right.

Hey, Cody, you want in on this?

No, thanks, man, I'm cool.

That sh*t just makes me hungry.

♪ ♪ [crying]

_ ♪ ♪ _ ♪ ♪ Churros?

Churros!

One dollar.

Churros!

Churros.

_ [chuckles]

f*cking monster.

Can you believe this?

No.

I can't.

It's crazy.

[scoffs]

[door opens, closes]

Class is about to start.

I can't.

I'm sorry.

Can't even can't without can, honey!

Hey, y'all!

How are you?

It's a great day!

I'm Charles!

[Loud booming bass music playing]

You've already done the hardest part: Getting here.

The rest is just pumping to the b*at!

All right, everyone, I hope you're clipped in!

Starting, booties in our seats!

Hands, position one!

Who's feeling themselves today?

I know I am!

Think of me as your therapist.

You are going to work out those issues in here today!

Push!

Push!

Tell your body what it needs.

Give it to it!

Give it to it!

If you aren't hitting your target RPM's, you're not doing it right.

And what's the point of being here if you're not gonna do it right?

Am I right, ladies, or am I right?

I'm always right.

Come on, come on!

Whoo!

Hit it hard!

Go in!

In!

In!

I know, but I mean, I gotta think at some point, there's gonna be some v*olence.

Well, all this going to the gym will have been for something then.

Yeah, you're right.

Yo, but for real, after today, I think I finally understand the struggle, man.

- Struggle?

- Yeah.

What you talking 'bout Lewis?

- It's "Willis" dude.

- Oh, right.

[camera clicks]

Different Strokes, right?

Yeah, Different Strokes.

I like that show.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

You watch black shows?

_ No, it doesn't matter what you say, nothing's going to change.

You understand me?

Look at this!

Look at this bullshit!

[horns honk]

[crying]

♪ ♪ You know what I'm saying?

This will not stand, man!

You understand me?

Like, you think I'm scared of going to jail?

Yo, I'm more scared of...

[continues indistinctly]

_ [distant sirens wailing]

_ ♪ ♪ I'll put this right here.

Anything else?

No.

This is great, thanks.

You're lucky though, I mean...

you've got a British passport.

Yeah, but Brexit.

What's happening here, like, where...

where is safe?

Where in the world is safe and sane anymore?

I don't even know.

I really don't even know.

Ooh!

Mussels!

I love mussels.

Can I have some?

- Um...

- Um...

Sure, yeah, let me just...

Okay, no, we'll put...

Um, oh!

Been a while.

Excuse me!

Sir.

You...

you absolutely can't do that.

Excuse me.

I am so sorry.

Let me get you...

They said I could have some!

We did say he could have some.

It's crazy, okay?

Excuse me.

Everything's upside down now.

It is.

I mean, the market's so much more volatile.

It is and that's why, if you have like 5...

_ [speaking German]

_ _ _ Saying she's too devastated to see patients today.

- Excuse me, miss.

- That's f*cked.

She's a therapist.

Guys, excuse me, are you done with this?

Yeah.

I didn't know they were truffle fries.

So, yeah.

If you're not available when sh*t's bad, how the f*ck...

Chef!

_ [both speaking Spanish]

_ _ _ [chef speaking Spanish]

_ [speaking Spanish]

Hey, pick up!

_ [speaks Spanish]

_ [elevator dings]

I'll bring your towels now.

Oh, okay.

Okay, let me do the one next door and then I come back.

Be right there!

- Cool, thanks a lot, man.

- There you go.

Thanks!

[knocking]

- Housekeeping!

- Oh, sh*t!

Do you think we're getting busted?

I don't know, maybe.

Uh, yeah?

[knocking]

Who is it?

Housekeeping.

Oh no, we're good, thanks.

[laughing]

Dude, my phone is dead.

Do you have a charger?

I don't.

Mine is dead, too.

But we do have that nice 2012 charger if you've got, like, an i4 on you or anything.

- Totally not helpful.

- No?

Completely not helpful.

[laughs]

So, uh, last night was pretty fun, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was hot.

I mean, I'm sure I'm not the first woman at a party that you've spilled wine on.

[Laughs]

You know, you could've just asked for my number.

- You didn't have to ruin my jacket.

- I promise I really haven't.

I feel really bad about that.

I will get that cleaned for you.

I have never...

I have never done that before.

Well, I promise I have never done this before.

Mmm.

You did, um...

You did seem to really enjoy all the, uh...

the stimulation.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, and there was plenty of stimulation.

You know, I think I could go for a couple more hours of stimulation.

[both laugh]

- Yeah?

- Mmhmm.

I bet we could make that happen.

[toilet flushes]

Yo, Justin.

What time they say we have to be back tonight?

Client said we had to be back by 9:00, but I gotta get back to our apartment, man.

f*ckin' Fernando yelled at me last night for a dirty shirt.

Dude, f*ck that.

We're not going home.

I'll just iron your shirt here for you.

Wait a...

wait a second.

So you live together and you work together?

Well, you're a regular Bert and Ernie.

[Monica, Chris laughing]

Yeah, yeah, except I never saw Bert and Ernie do an Eiffel Tower with Maria.

[laughs]

Yeah, bro.

♪ ♪ [passionate moaning]

♪ Come on ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ [passionate moaning]

Oh, yeah, f*ck.

How you doin' over there?

f*cking amazing.

Yo, get in on these feet, bro.

[laughs]

You don't have to tell me twice.

[moaning]

♪ Even though I love the cemetery ♪ ♪ No regrets and lies ♪ Amazing!

♪ I got no control ♪ ♪ So I wanna roll ♪ [laughs]

Now, that is food p*rn.

[both laugh]

Oh, don't feel left out.

Oh.

There you go.

♪ ♪ I was wondering if you, by any chance, had any iPhone chargers?

Oh!

Awesome.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

They're sending it up.

Problem solved.

It's happening.

[Monica moaning loudly]

Oh my God.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

♪ ♪ Sorry.

It's all right.

- Thanks a lot, man.

- No problem.

Have a blessed day, my brother.

You too, man.

[phone chimes]

_ ♪ ♪ [knocking at door]

[rhythmic knocking]

Oh, f*ck.

The weed guy.

- Hey, man.

- Hey.

How you doing?

Good.

How you doing?

You know, I'm okay.

- Oh, sorry.

- What's up, dude?

Hey.

What's going on?

- Hi.

- Hi.

Uh, this was on the door.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Oh, sweet, phone chargers.

Yes!

So obviously, it's a pretty f*cking crazy time, so I don't have everything.

Yeah?

Wednesdays big days for you?

No.

It's just been crazy.

So all I got left are Green cr*ck.

I got Chem Dog.

I got Sour D.

Um...

I'm gonna go with the Green cr*ck.

All right.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Looks like you guys made the best of a shitty day.

[phone dings]

Uh, yeah, we, uh...

kind of had ourselves a little party, I guess.

It just kind of happened.

[Justin chuckles]

Yeah, man, I get it.

It's like, you only live once.

YOLO.

Oh f*ck, I don't have papers.

[phone dings]

I got you, man.

Oh, you're the man.

Chris, charger.

Thank you.

Dude, what the f*ck is going on?

I've got like 22 text messages.

[phone dinging]

Oh.

You guys don't know.

No.

No.

What's going on?

- What the f*ck?!

- Yeah.

Oh, f*ck.

YOLO.

I know, Mom.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Thanks, bro.

Mm-hmm.

[TV plays indistinctly]

Yeah, I talked to Jenny.

We're still gonna come up this weekend just like we planned.

Yeah.

No, I don't have train tickets yet.

I mean, if only lighting a candle could f*cking change anything.

Yeah.

[scoffs]

I know this for a fact.

I am not going to forget tonight any time soon.

Yeah, it's, uh, definitely the weirdest ending to a threesome ever.

- Right?

- Yeah.

Probably.

It'll be fine.

I'll get tickets in the morning.

Yes, the...

The trains will still be running.

Because I know, Mom.

They're not gonna stop running the train.

I mean, there are just some f*cking evil human beings in the world, right?

I mean, how else do you explain something like this?

f*cking horrible, man.

I love you, too.

Yeah, here's Justin.

- Mom wants to talk to you.

- Oh, f*ck.

- Hey, Mom!

- Thank you.

No, no, no, we're fine, we're fine.

Calm down.

No, we're with this nice lady.

We...

we met her at work.

- She's taking care of us.

- Oh, sh*t.

Will you hold that?

Thank you.

God.

Our mom talks a lot, I'm sorry.

[lighter clicks]

Oh, f*ck.

♪ ♪ [indistinct chatter, laughter]

Worst birthday ever.

This is f*cking depressing.

I'm leaving.

- Sorry.

- Here's what's gonna happen.

The middle class and the poor, they're f*cked.

f*ck 'em.

Super rich, the Warren Buffet rich, they're jumping out with Elon Musk, drinking kids' blood smoothies, becoming immortal, living on Mars with Peter Thiel.

You are being so dramatic.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah!

Were the people who left Germany being dramatic when the Nazis came to power?

Oh, I know you did not just compare our relationship to n*zi Germany.

- No, that's not what I'm saying.

- Ah, cheers.

[woman arguing indistinctly]

- Mm.

Thanks, Ma.

- I don't think it's gonna be that bad.

You know what I mean?

'Cause it's gonna push creativity so far, comedy's gonna be great for the next few years.

TV shows are gonna have so much to write about.

- I'm out.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

- You can't leave.

- No.

I...

Neil kept me four extra hours today.

- I have to go.

- Yeah, all right.

You do a sh*t with me and I'll let you leave.

What are we "cheersing" to, stud?

Uh, I got it.

The future is female.

That's not actually a joke.

[laughs]

That's so f*cking phony and manipulative of you to say.

All right, I'm gonna take it 'cause you are super hot and I want this.

[sighs]

All right, c**ts.

Who's next?

Oh, man.

Hey, creepy eyes.

Oh, the better to creep on you with.

[grunts]

I saw you checking yourself out there.

I know.

Should I shave this beard?

No, don't shave it.

Just encourage a little growth up here, and then it'll all be even.

Oh, man.

Are you okay?

[Clattering]

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

- Do you want something to drink?

- I'd love a beer.

Uh, we don't do beers anymore.

I invented this thing where you just drink pure alcohol out of a tiny glass.

- Ah, sh*ts.

- I hate sh*ts.

I know.

Don't puss out on me, man.

It is end times.

Well, to end times then.

To end times.

[glasses clink]

Oh God, that's so gross.

Can I have a beer, please?

- This is f*cking...

- Shh!

Please!

- Looks like, Wolf Blitzer...

- Oh my God!

Would you please, please!

I'm sorry.

Oh my f*cking God.

Hey guys, I'm leaving.

Where's home, Luiz?

You live in Brooklyn?

Yes.

East New York.

East New York.

What train is that?

Oh, it's f*cking far from here.

Yeah, it's pretty late, too.

Speaking of which, are you almost done?

Let's get out of here.

f*cking turn into a pumpkin...

[shouts in Spanish]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[Luiz snickers]

Dude, we made some very fat stacks tonight, brother.

Yeah, I made a shitload of money today, too.

People were acting like they were stocking up for the apocalypse or some sh*t.

I mean, it f*cking feels like the apocalypse.

Is it bad that I don't feel bad about it?

Because I think I just made my rent in one shift.

Luiz, thank you so much for your hard work, my fellow immigrant.

It is proof again that our labor is the backbone of this great country.

You don't have to look at me when you say that.

- I was looking at the flag behind you.

- Oh, I see.

Yeah, thank you.

Hey, you wanna smoke a joint with us?

No, it's okay.

I gotta go home.

Oh, no, no, no.

We've gotta stick together, us immigrants.

- No.

- We do!

'Cause this sh*t is f*cked up.

We need to chill out.

I don't know if you need a joint right now.

You're kind of...

Excuse me, straight, white, cisgendered man.

I do f*cking want that.

Could you roll me a f*cking spliff, please?

I do need it.

I'm panicked.

He's panicked, and his panic is that he's Hispanic.

Ah.

Okay, and then she said a weird thing.

Everybody, she said a weird thing.

- All right.

- Oh my God!

- Good night, Luiz.

- Thank you, buddy.

Take care.

Did I...

did I offend you?

No, not at all.

Good night, sweetie.

♪ ♪ [train rattling]

[brakes squeak]

♪ ♪ [door chimes]

[door buzzes]

[knocking]

[whispers]

Hey.

How are you?

[speaking Spanish quietly]

Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay, it's okay.

[conversing in Spanish]

[boy and Luiz laughing]

[Luiz speaking in Spanish]

[speaking in Spanish]

[Luiz speaking Spanish]

[Luca giggling]

[both giggling]

[Luiz and Luca conversing in Spanish]

- That's for you.

- Yay!

Take it.

This for me?

[Luiz speaks Spanish]

[Luiz laughs]

It's right here.

[speaks Spanish]

Bye-bye.

[speaks Spanish]

Thank you.

Thank...

thank you.

[speaks Spanish]

Oh!

[Laughs]

Sorry for that.

[laughs]

[both laughing]

[speaks Spanish]

Bye, globo.

[Luiz speaks Spanish]

Bye.

[laughing]

[Luiz speaking Spanish]

[Luca giggling]

[speaks Spanish]

[giggles]

I got it.

[man laughing]

[speaks Spanish]

[Luiz and Luca converse in Spanish]

[laughing]

♪ ♪ There.

Goal!

- Whoa!

- Good job.

There!

Whoa!

♪ When I was just a kid ♪ ♪ They said, "Kid, don't you cry" ♪ ♪ I am older now ♪ ♪ I say ♪ ♪ It's all right ♪ ♪ Every tear rollin' down is a ♪ ♪ Lesson learned ♪ ♪ Are you too old to turn ♪ ♪ Are you too young to burn ♪ ♪ Too young ♪ ♪ Too young to burn ♪ ♪ Too young, too young ♪ ♪ Too young to burn ♪ ♪ Too young, too young ♪ [vocalizing]

♪ Too young to burn ♪ ♪ Too young, too young ♪ ♪ Too young to burn ♪ ♪ Too young, too young ♪