02x03 - Take Him, He's Mine

[bunniefuu]

... .

Here's what I figure your take would be for the first month.

So what do you say?

Partners?

Making extra money appeals to me but why the sandwich business?

Because we don't have enough counter space to make kidney machines.

- So are we partners or what?

- It sounds kinda complicated.

Selling sandwiches at a construction site?

I don't know about business.

Ask Dorothy.

Or Blanche.

- At least they'd have some input.

- I know.

So are we partners?

How do I look?

Nice.

Now put some make-up on.

- Ma, I'm wearing make-up.

- Then eat by candlelight.

You look lovely, you really do.

She's got a date with Geoffrey the commodore.

He's a commodore?

In the navy?

No, Rose, the singing group.

In the middle.

He was on the end till Lionel Richie left.

You've been spending a lot of time together.

Oh, yes.

Just when I'd given up hope of meeting someone, along came the most gallant, sophisticated, charming man I've met in ages.

I bet he can tie a lot of neat knots.

- Dorothy, guess who's here?

- My date.

- Your husband.

- I don't have one.

Call the police.

- Your ex-husband.

- I'll call the police.

Hi, everyone.

It's me, Stan.

Dorothy, in the future I would appreciate advance notice when you're expecting a gentleman.

This time it's only Stan but next time it could be somebody appealing or charming or good-Iooking.

- No offence, Stan.

- None taken.

- Could we talk for a minute?

- Of course.

Come on.

Is your wife here or is she at home cleaning out her toy box?

Ma, I told you.

Stan and Chrissie got a divorce.

I thought you said they got a horse.

I'm .

You gotta enunciate.

Don't get me wrong.

Horse, divorce, I could care less.

I just hate being left with egg on my face.

Alright, Stan, what's wrong?

- Why should something be wrong?

- We were married for years.

You can disguise your bald head but you can't hide your emotions.

- Now, what's wrong?

- I lost it, Dorothy.

You never had it, Stanley.

The business.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

years of sweat and blood flushed down the toilet like a snotty ball of Kleenex.

You could always write poetry for a living.

I'm sorry.

I know how devastated you must be.

- I have one question, though.

- I can manage the alimony.

That was not my question.

Could we possibly discuss this tomorrow?

- I have plans to go out.

- Dorothy, please...

I'm afraid to be alone tonight.

My world is crumbling.

I don't know what I might do.

You'll watch an old Barnaby Jones, eat a half-gallon of rum raisin, throw up and fall asleep in your kimono.

See, Dorothy, nobody knows me like you.

Look, I really have plans.

I made dinner reservations at Monty's.

We could take a walk on the beach, go dancing at the Breakers, if there's no cover charge.

- I really can't.

- Dorothy, please.

Say yes.

I need a shoulder to cry on.

Oh, alright.

Give me a minute.

Girls, I need a shoulder to cry on.

- What did that creep do?

- It's not for me, it's Stan.

He lost the business.

He has to take his mind off it.

- What do you want us to do?

- Go out with him.

What?

I feel terrible but I'm not about to cancel my date.

- So I have to cancel mine.

- You don't have one.

Nobody knows that.

I'd do it, but I'm really no good at listening to people's problems.

Rose, you're a grief counsellor.

It's what you do.

I know but I have the highest su1c1de rate in the office.

Rose, if you don't want to go out with Stan, just say so.

I don't want to.

Oh, honey, I know going out with Stan is big favour.

The biggest.

You're asking me to spend my evening with a man you describe as having the personality of a dial tone.

And why?

So you can have a splendid evening with a dashing naval officer.

Absolutely not.

Under no circumstances will I entertain the notion.

I'll let you borrow my cashmere sweater.

- No.

- I'll give you outright my practically full bottle of Chanel No. .

- Perfume or cologne?

- Cologne.

- Forget it.

- I'll introduce you to all of Geoffrey's naval officer friends.

Some of them have been at sea for over six months.

Make yourself comfortable.

I'll be with you in two minutes.

Use these potatoes.

We're out of tomatoes.

- I don't think this'll work.

- We just say it fast.

Bacon lettuce and potato.

Bacon lettuce and potato.

Hey, what are you two doing up?

- It's after midnight.

- We're going into business.

How did she talk you into this?

Sophia didn't talk me into it.

As she said, if I had half a brain, I'd have thought of it myself.

Besides, it'll be fun, Dorothy.

Just like when I was little and sold Belgian waffles alongside the road.

You had a Belgian waffle stand?

Well, actually they were English muffins that I carved ridges in.

But people bought 'em anyway.

I was cute so I got away with it.

You get cute again at .

That's how I'll peddle this slop.

- How was your date?

- Glorious.

Geoffrey is a dream.

It was even worth the guilt I felt over Blanche.

Is she speaking to me?

- She's not home yet.

- Poor Blanche.

When Stan is depressed, he is the second most boring man in the world.

- Who's the first?

- Stan when he's not depressed.

This is the most bizarre evening I've ever spent with a man.

Including the time with the Nicaraguan Jai-Alai team?

She said one man.

That was the most bizarre evening she spent with a team.

Are those sandwiches?

I am starving.

They're bacon lettuce and potato.

Potato?

Work on it, Rose.

Remember, you're not cute any more.

I thought Stan took you to dinner.

- He did.

- Let me guess.

You were on your way to a candlelit dinner at Monty's when Stan spotted a charming little Pakistani restaurant.

Indian.

Cocktails consisted of warm beer in two different shaped glasses.

He ordered, would not let you see the menu, and when he paid, he got change from a ten.

- A five.

- Dorothy, that's amazing.

Try me now.

I'll think about what I had for dinner.

I'm not psychic.

I just know Stan's idea of a night out.

You know, actually, it wasn't so bad.

I kind of enjoyed myself.

I didn't have to impress him and he knew he couldn't impress me so we just kind of had fun.

We're doing it again tomorrow.

- What?

- Well, unless you mind.

I should have asked you first.

I'll cancel.

Don't be ridiculous.

Why should I object?

- He was your husband.

- Was.

We're divorced, remember?

He left me for a woman half Blanche's age.

It's wonderful you're going out with Stan again.

Geoff and I are going to a formal dinner at the base.

He looks so dashing in his dress uniform.

Dorothy went out with a commodore, Blanche went out with Stan, I spent the evening making bacon, lettuce and potato sandwiches.

Step on it.

The sun's coming up.

Why do we leave so early?

We don't want a crummy location.

Shouldn't we have dry ice to keep these cold?

We should charge them for a hot lunch.

- What are you two doing up?

- Go back to bed.

It's : .

It's a little early to be selling lunch.

We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up.

Johnny No-Thumbs?

Actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand.

It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero.

Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs?

He's probably connected with the Mob.

If they were friends, he'd still have thumbs.

He's a very sweet man.

But the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.

Why don't you get some more sleep?

- I can't sleep.

I'm too upset.

- What's wrong?

I won't be seeing Geoffrey anymore.

He's leaving.

I knew it.

The minute I heard you were dating a sailor, I said to myself there'll be nothing but heartaches.

Those swabbies drift into port, park their diddies on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learnt in the Orient and then it's, "Avast, me hearties," and they shove off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souvenirs.

You've been reading Treasure Island again, Rose.

I know this from my ancestors.

The Vikings were a seafaring people, you know.

They also wore horns on their head and metal brassieres.

This is not the same.

- So he dumped you?

- He did not dump me.

He's being transferred to the Aleutian Islands.

He's going to a secret base where he can't have contact with the outside world.

- He dumped you.

- Yes.

- Dorothy, I'm sorry.

- Why, whenever I think I've met Mr Right, am I wrong?

Because, Dorothy, you're not the most perceptive woman in the world.

What's everybody doing up?

I thought you'd still be asleep.

We thought you were.

Where were you?

With Stan.

I'll tell you all about it in the morning.

- This is the morning.

- Why, so it is.

So it is.

- Six cakes of soap...

- Dorothy, please speak to me.

- One can of cleanser...

- No cleanser until you talk to me.

If you won't talk, how can I understand why you're angry with me?

- Just a walk along the beach.

- What about it?

When you come back from a walk along the beach you spend an hour shaking the sand out of your underalls.

What do you mean?

Blanche Devereaux does not stay out all night with a man just to walk along the beach.

Never before, that's true.

But as Beauregard Jefferson pointed out when I was , there's a first time for everything.

Last night was the first time you slept with Stan.

- That's a lie.

- So it was not the first time.

Oh, Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Get out of my way, you old fool.

Why won't you believe me?

And why does it matter?

You don't even like Stan anymore.

You begged me to go out with him to get him off your back.

Now you're angry cos I didn't have a terrible time?

Why do you care?

I just know I'm terribly upset because I'm letting this get me terribly upset.

- Blanche, I'm sorry.

- That's alright.

You've been dumped by the man of your dreams.

It's not surprising you're a little irritable.

But to be upset about Stan.

I'm so embarrassed.

It's not as if he means anything to me.

Honey, I know exactly what you're going through, believe me.

I'm just so glad we had this little talk.

If we hadn't, I'd feel strange about going out with Stan again tonight.

You're going out with Stan tonight?

He has tickets to the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre.

- And you're going?

- Of course I am.

I'm not missing Mr Jamie Farr in the Caine Mutiny Court Martial.

I hurt my back.

I'm paralysed.

Oh, it's you.

Look where you're going.

We're almost through with our half of the list.

Rose, I want to double the number of sandwiches.

Grab some foil.

You're still gonna sell lunches after Johnny No-Thumbs leaned on you again?

No, Blanche, he said he had friends who would lean on us.

Well, I got friends, too.

One phone call to Palermo and Johnny's lunch wagon will have concrete tires.

Ma, the only person you know in Palermo is Uncle Vito and he's a harmless old man.

Give him some piano wire, make fun of his limp and see what happens.

Do you think they're really gonna make any money?

- One fabric softener...

- Now what's the matter?

I'll tell you what's the matter.

I cannot believe you're going out with Stan again.

- Why shouldn't I?

- You're right.

My mistake.

- I thought you were my friend.

- I am.

Then why are you sleeping with my husband?

What are y'all looking at?

Get back to your LeSueur Peas.

Dorothy, I promise, there's nothing between us.

Then you will not go out with him tonight.

Isn't that right?

We're only going to see a play.

And he's her ex-husband.

Why am I even explaining this to you?

Why am I explaining this to anybody?

- Who's Lenny?

- Tall, red hair...

Ioves tuna on wholewheat.

Why do we have his IOU for two bucks?

He only had a hundred and we didn't have change.

- What about these?

- They all had hundreds, too.

Rose, let me give you a few lessons in economics.

Lesson number one: Quit being an idiot.

OK.

Lesson number two: The law of supply and demand.

Before you supply sandwiches, demand the money.

OK.

Lesson number three: Quit being an idiot.

Oh.

I thought you were Blanche.

Once I thought I was Bess Truman but then they switched me to mg a day.

My cousin thought he was Jiminy Cricket.

It was just after Pinocchio came out and everyone at the bank went along with it.

And I wondered how you two got together.

- Call me when Blanche gets in.

- Are you two talking again?

Just to give her a piece of my mind.

Is she upset cos she thinks Blanche is sleeping with Stan?

Could be.

Or is it because she thinks she's lying?

- That's a good one, too.

- Don't you care?

Of course.

You think I have no feelings?

I'll tell you a story.

Picture this.

A crowded Mediterranean port, teeming with your tired, your poor, your hungry.

You know, your huddled masses yearning to be free.

We boarded the ship and set sail for America.

people filled with hope, singing, laughing, drinking.

Actually, only the Irish were drinking.

But I digress.

Of course, on the second day, things took a turn for the worse.

For the next month and a half, the storm-tossed seas made our lives a living hell.

If I wasn't fighting for a blanket, I was fighting for food.

If I wasn't fighting for food, I was fighting for shuffleboard equipment.

I just threw that in to see if you were paying attention.

Anyway, the storm broke, and through the mist I saw the beautiful lady I'd been longing to see for months.

- The Statue of Liberty.

- No, my mother.

That's how dense the fog was.

But beyond her was the Statue of Liberty.

I remember the first words I shouted.

"There she is. Lady Liberty." And I remember the second words I shouted.

"Slow down, you yutz, you're going past her." But he didn't hear.

And that's why today, Rose, there's an unusually large Italian population in Spilsbury, Massachusetts.

That's a really moving story, Sophia, but what exactly is the point?

The point is, you forgot lessons one and three.

Quit being an idiot.

I stole bucks while you were listening to that cockamamie story.

- She's not back yet?

- No.

I don't understand.

What could they be doing?

- You know what.

- I also know Stan.

We were married for years.

And if you added up all the times that we did what he is doing right now, Blanche still should have been home minutes ago.

Where are you going?

To get ice cream or commit a felony.

I'll decide in the car.

- Yes?

- I'm Vinnie.

This is Rocco.

Johnny No-Thumbs sent us.

Sophia, it's for you.

- Who is it?

- Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Stay under the covers.

I'll get rid of her.

- It's late.

What do you want?

- Open the door, Stanley.

You're in your nightgown.

I came on an impulse.

I couldn't help it.

It's a nice gesture, babe, but I'll have to take a rain check.

Stanley, you truly are one chromosome away from being a potato.

I gotta get up early tomorrow.

I need to get to sleep.

You're wearing your toupee to bed.

That means one of two things.

There's a woman in there or Suzanne Sommers is on the Tonight Show.

Would you get to your point, Dorothy?

I came here to talk to her.

It'll just take a minute then you can get back to it.

Thank you.

I have been trying to figure out why you're doing this.

Trying to find one reason that would make it OK, but I can't.

I cannot believe that you would jeopardise our relationship for this.

I guess it's possible you were attracted to Stan.

I stayed with him for years.

But I think this time you could have resisted just in case it might have made a difference to me.

The thing that hurts most of all is that you didn't have the guts to tell me that you're sleeping with my husband.

Well, gee, I would have.

But I didn't know myself until about an hour ago.

Hey, what's all this?

Aren't they beautiful?

- Johnny No-Thumbs sent them.

- He sent you flowers?

You remember harmless old Uncle Vito?

He sent a note to Johnny No-Thumbs.

He addressed it to Johnny No-Knees.

He got the message, we got the flowers.

Come on, Ma.

And Rose and I are getting out of sandwiches.

The profits weren't quite what we expected.

- Is Blanche back yet?

- In the living room.

Thanks.

Blanche, I want to apologise.

OK.

- I apologise.

- That's it?

I can't think of anything else to say.

I behaved terribly.

- I know.

- No, you don't.

I went to Stan's hotel room because I thought you were there.

- Well, I wasn't.

- I know.

I told him that I couldn't see him anymore.

- I've been such a creep.

- I know.

I wish I could explain it but I can't.

I think some of it may be that I didn't want to share my memories.

That part of my life, with Stan, is over, but I still wanted it to be just mine.

I was afraid that you might take that part away and...

And I was feeling jealous and Ionely and...

- God knows what else.

- Magenta.

- Excuse me?

- Magenta.

That's what I call it.

All kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves.

You're not quite blue because you're not really sad and although you're jealous, you're not green with envy and every now and then you realise you're kinda scared but you'd hardly call yourself yellow.

I hate that feeling, and I hate the colour magenta.

That's why I named it that.

Magenta.

No way to really explain it but, fortunately, between friends, you don't have to.

Oh, Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Listen, now that we're talking to each other, can I ask a question?

Why in hell did you ever marry Stan?

It was my magenta period.

And, you know, Stan was rather handsome when he had hair.

- Come on.

- He had a certain

- elegant charm.

- Oh, please.

And, of course, I was four months pregnant.