02x09 - Joust Between Friends

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ traveled down the road and back again

♪ your heart is true

♪ you're a pal and a confidante

♪ and if you threw a party

♪ invited everyone you knew

♪ you would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ and the card attached would say

♪ thank you for being a friend ♪

I'll set these down and show you through the house.

You didn't have to wait outside.

Come in.

It's ok, fella.

[Deep voice] I don't mind if I do.

Nice place you got here.

Well, thank you.

Can I offer you something?

Coffee?

Tea?

Scraps from last night's dinner?

[Deep voice] oh, you're pulling my tail!

Ha-ha-ha!

Aren't you a little old for imaginary friends?

Sophia, I wasn't talking to myself.

I was talking to the dog.

My auntie bet talked to woodpeckers.

1,000 Volts a day stopped that.

He's adorable.

I found him at the market.

I'll keep him till I find his owner.

Find his owner before dorothy gets home.

She hates dogs.

Hello.

Oh, well, look at the cute little puppy dog.

Hello there, honey.

Oh, he likes me.

He must be a male.

Then you don't mind if he stays till I find his owner?

Mind?

Mind?

Of course I mind.

You can't keep that filthy beast in my house.

But you said he was cute.

He is.

But a dog belongs outdoors in his natural habitat where he's free to roam and lick himself in the privacy of his doghouse.

He won't be any trouble.

I'll keep him in my room.

You won't know he's here.

Ok, but we're not the only ones living here.

Dorothy has to agree, too.

- Thanks, blanche.

- If he lifts his leg, I'll rub your nose in it.

That seems fair.

[Deep voice] bye, auntie blanche.

Bye, auntie sophia.

She gets away with it.

If she was my age she'd be locked up making boats out of sticks.

I've had it.

I've just had it.

In the past few days I've been turned down for every available part-time job in dade county that didn't involved selling cocaine.

Oh, dorothy, it's just so unfair.

They shouldn't do this to a fine teacher like you.

It's part of the experimental year-round school system.

Every teacher is required to take a ten-week leave and my ten weeks are now.

You should've taken the job I suggested.

Oh, ma, you wanted me to be a nun.

Right.

It's steady work, they supply the uniform and you're married to god.

At least he's home every night.

Maybe it's time you reconsidered working at the museum with me.

Come on, we've had that conversation.

All I know about museums is that you shouldn't eat the veal in the cafeteria.

You can't find a job and you need the money.

It might be fun working together.

- Well...

- I won't take no for an answer.

I'll set up an interview with mr allen tomorrow.

- [Barking] - what was that?

Rose found a dog at the supermarket.

Couldn't she get stew meat like she usually does?

Dorothy, don't be upset.

The poor thing was lost.

He followed me home.

You drive to the market.

Did he follow you in a taxi?

He looked so hungry and sad.

I couldn't just leave him.

I hunted hours for his owner.

I hate dogs, rose.

Oh, dorothy, come on.

Nobody hates dogs.

Oh, please, just for the night.

I promise.

[Deep voice] please, auntie dorothy.

I won't be any trouble.

Please.

Oh, all right.

But just for the night.

Oh, thank you, auntie dorothy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, do you believe this?

Nah, I saw her lips move.

I took several art courses in college and I've also substituted in art appreciation classes in the public school system.

Huh?

Mr allen, dorothy was telling you about her background.

I'm sorry, I'm distracted.

It's not every day you find your friend in bed with your wife.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That must have been quite a shock.

It was.

Arthur's never come home at lunch before.

He caught me red-handed.

- Now, where were we?

- We were talking about art.

The thing we hang on the wall here.

- What about it?

- Dorothy knows a lot about it.

She studied in rome and lectured in paris and she has a very keen eye for color and light and form.

She's always the first one to compliment me on my wardrobe.

- Blanche thinks highly of you.

- She's taking my resume to the vatican this afternoon.

Pardon?

That's just a little joke to ease the tension of the moment.

Right.

Right.

I tried to think of something funny to say when art walked in.

But standing there in my shorts, nothing came to mind.

Mr allen.

Mr allen?

- Does dorothy get the job?

- Sure.

I don't care.

Oh, thank you, mr allen.

I hope I live up to your expectations.

Come on, sweetheart.

That's a boy.

Dorothy, why are you up so early?

Never mind.

It's over a week.

Why is that mutt still here?

I promised to take him to the pound, but he wasn't well.

- I'm a little worried.

- Don't be, it was a hangover.

- What?

- A hangover from the sherry.

Ma, you gave the dog sherry?

That's terrible.

I was having a few sips while I rinsed out my underwear.

It's a little thing I do mondays and thursdays.

Anyway, the dog walks in, looks at me, and it's your uncle aldo's face begging for a drink.

I give him a swallow, but he doesn't know when to stop, also like aldo.

We sing some puccini, stretch out on the couch and take a nap.

All in all, a pleasant afternoon.

Rose, the dog is drooling on my foot.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Rose, we had an agreement.

You said the dog would be gone by now.

Just one more day, dorothy.

I'll find the owner.

I have posters all over the neighborhood.

One more day or I'll get rid of the dog myself.

I'll take him out to the lanai.

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on.

[Deep voice] auntie dorothy.

Lighten up.

- Morning.

- Morning, auntie blanche.

- Oh, the pup's still here.

- Yeah.

One more day, unless ma takes him bar hopping.

How come you're dressed so early?

I told mr allen I'd come in early to get the press list information ready before lunch.

You're such a treasure.

I hope he appreciates you.

After only a week you know as much about that museum as I do.

What's to know?

Bang in a nail, hang a picture.

Any idiot could do that.

Stop bragging.

You're only saying that 'cause I'm your daughter.

I'm very proud of the job you're doing, dorothy.

[Phone rings] hello?

Just a minute.

Mr allen on the phone.

Oh, he's never called me at home before.

And he's not now.

It's for dorothy.

Oh.

Thank you.

Good morning, mr allen.

Oh...

Well, thank you.

Thank you, yeah.

Well, thank you very much.

Very sweet of you to call.

Yes.

Thank you so much.

I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

- What did he want?

- To thank me for my work on the hotchkiss project.

Oh, that's lovely.

Just lovely.

Especially since there wasn't that much work involved.

Ma, it's 8.00am.

What are you doing with the sherry?

I'm not gonna drink it.

I was hiding it from the dog.

Ma, you expect me to believe that?

Promise me you won't drive.

Dorothy, look who I found.

- Ma!

What are you doing here?

- You left your lunch at home.

Thanks.

You didn't have to come.

Good excuse to put my teeth in.

While you're here, would you like a tour?

No.

If I want to look at pictures, I go to fotomatt.

Rose brought me.

She's outside with the dog.

You ever stick your head out of a car window doing 50?

What a rush!

Hello!

And who do we have here?

This is my mother sophia petrillo.

Ma, this is my boss mr allen.

Pleased to meet you, mrs petrillo.

What brings you to our humble home?

[Mutters] is he gay?

Come on, I'll walk you to the car.

Goodbye, mrs petrillo.

Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum.

I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition.

A magnificent pair of gauguins.

What are you, a pervert?

I was married 45 years.

I never even saw my husband's gauguins!

I forgot why I came to talk to you.

Oh, about the banquet.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I love to throw a party.

Leave it to me.

Actually, blanche, I've decided to leave everything to dorothy.

- Excuse me?

- I've put dorothy in charge of the arrangements for the banquet.

You won't have to do a thing.

You'll have your time free to devote to the exhibition.

But, mr allen, I'd always assumed that I was gonna handle it.

You were, but that was before we found dorothy.

Tell her I want to see her.

[Rings] hello.

Dorothy isn't here.

She was arrested on a morals charge this morning.

Mm-hm.

You never know, do you?

Have a nice day.

Ma, gimme a break.

The di-gel's on the bottom shelf.

You!

Come on.

That does it.

Come on, out.

Come on, come on.

Out.

Move it.

Out!

Right now.

Oh, come on, now, this isn't fair.

Come on.

I'm not falling for those big sad eyes and floppy ears and wet nose.

The last time I did, it ended in divorce.

Stan couldn't even catch a frisbee in his teeth.

Oh, listen.

Honey, it's not a personal thing.

I don't hate you.

As a matter of fact, I once had a dog.

A schnauzer name wa-wa.

Yeah, well, I know that sounds strange, but my daughter was only two when she named him during a walk.

And I figured between that and number one, wa-wa was the hands-down winner.

He was the greatest dog in the world.

Present company excluded.

I loved that dog.

He was always with me.

I thought I'd never be able to get along without him.

And one day he d*ed.

I cried for a week.

And I decided then I would never ever go through that again.

So, you see, it's not...

Oh, my god.

I've spilled my guts to someone who drinks out of a toilet.

Listen, I'm sorry, you are out of here.

One wa-wa in my life was enough.

Look, I've had it with that disgusting dog.

I've tolerated him as long as I can.

- He's got to go.

- But, dorothy...

- No "buts", rose.

- Ok, I'll need a few more days.

A few more days and that is it.

Get me a doggie bone.

I don't know.

I don't think you deserve one.

Not for me.

It's to lure that mutt out of my room.

That's ok.

I'll get him out.

[Deep voice] aunt dorothy's certainly a grouch.

You couldn't sleep either, huh?

No, I guess it's the Kn*fe in my back.

Come again?

I wasn't going to mention this, but I won't be able to sleep until I do.

You have backed me into a corner.

When that happens, I come out fighting like a wild cat.

Unless I'm drunk.

Then I slide down the wall and make passionate love on the carpet.

Blanche, what the hell are you talking about?

You stole the banquet of the only art show I've ever put together.

I did not steal your banquet.

Mr allen assigned it to me.

Why?

Why give it to you and not to me?

I've been working there for five years.

I'm the one who's been wearing low-cut blouses and picking up pencils off the floor.

I'm the one he always gropes at the christmas party.

And they picked sandra day o'connor over you?

I'm not taking this sitting down.

When it comes to art, you cannot hold a candle to me.

Give me back my banquet before you mess it up.

Listen, mr allen gave me that banquet and I will take charge of it, regardless of your childish insecurities.

- Who are you calling childish?

- Who did you call back-stabber?

Girls, this little fella better stick around a while.

- Get rid of him.

- He's ill.

Who cares?

[Deep voice] don't explain, rose.

I lived with a couple of b*tches myself.

- Dorothy, is blanche around?

- She hasn't come in yet.

Good, we can talk about the banquet.

- How's everything going?

- She doesn't suspect a thing.

I can't wait to see her face when she sees the banquet is to honor her good work.

- I can't either.

- I'll finish my speech for blanche.

When it's done, would you look at it?

I'd be happy to, mr allen.

[Mimics] be happy to, mr allen.

My, my, aren't we licking boots a little early?

I had a light breakfast.

- Here's your mail.

- Why not tell me what's in it?

What?

Haven't you already steamed it open?

Please, I have a lot of work to get done before lunch.

Don't let little ineffectual, insignificant me - get between you and your work.

- Thank you.

I wouldn't want to come between your lips and mr allen's behind.

Blanche, that does it, I have had it.

Up until we started working together, you were my best friend.

We were good friends because you trusted me.

Now you think I'm some other person, someone who'd s*ab you in the back.

I am not that person.

Blanche, I am still your best friend, whether or not you think so.

Dorothy, i...

I've been acting like such a fool.

I don't know what in the hell got into me.

I know you'd never hide anything behind my back.

Please forgive me, dorothy.

Please, dorothy.

Please.

[Tearful] you really hurt my feelings.

I...

I don't know.

Please.

This is tearing me up.

I'm a mess.

You can't tell from the way I look, but it's true.

Ok, blanche.

I forgive you.

Oh.

Dorothy, I've got the...

Thing I want you to look over.

Oh, the thing.

I'll look at it later.

So, where would you like to have lunch?

How about that new pizza place on the corner?

- Great.

- Dorothy.

Yes?

What was that thing mr allen just gave you?

- What thing?

- That thing in your drawer.

Oh, that thing.

- It's nothing.

- If it's nothing, let me see.

I am really hungry.

Let's go out and get that pizza now.

It's 9.15.

I don't want pizza, I want to see that.

- I'm sorry, blanche, you can't.

- Why?

- Because.

- Why?

Because it's none of your business.

None of my business?

I will have you know that before you came here, everything was my business.

- Show me that paper.

- I'm sorry, blanche, I can't.

I knew you'd been hiding something.

You no-good, back-stabbing jezebel.

I demand you show me that paper.

I'm sorry, flattery won't work.

I'll tell you what won't work, you and me in the same office.

Stealing that banquet was bad enough, but hiding things is going too far.

If you want this job that bad that you have to lie, you can have it.

I quit!

Gin.

[Laughs] - aren't you gonna get mad?

- No.

Want to play again?

Nah.

If you don't get mad, it's no fun.

- You still upset about blanche?

- Yes, ma.

Tell her that cockamamie banquet is for her.

I can't, I was sworn to secrecy.

- [Dorothy] hi, blanche.

- Eat dirt and die, trash.

Just hold it right there, blanche.

You stay out of this, ma.

That banquet you're mad about is in your honor.

- What?

- I told you, it was a secret.

Your secret, not mine.

- Is this true?

- Yes, it is.

Now you feel like the dirt you wanted her to eat, I think I'll have a hard candy.

Dorothy, i...

I don't know what to say.

- I understand, blanche.

- Oh, no, you don't.

See, I thought I was a miracle worker, that nobody could do what I do at the museum.

Then you came and learned my job in a week and I realized any idiot can do it.

And you were afraid you couldn't find the right words to apologize.

There are no right words, dorothy.

Words cannot begin to ease the pain I've inflicted on you.

But I want to make it up to you.

I want to give you something personal, something from the heart.

The most beautiful thing I own, to the most beautiful person I know.

I guess that would be my emerald earrings.

I'm sure as hell not gonna give you those.

But I want to give you something.

Something special, something personal.

I know, how about a personal check for $75?

On the bottom I'll write, "I was a big fat jerk." Blanche, I don't want your check.

I am trying to find some way to tell you I'm sorry.

Ok, I'll take it but I won't cash it.

I'll keep it as a reminder for the next time you behave like a big fat jerk.

- Ok.

- Oh.

Will you be able to pretend to be surprised at that banquet?

Of course.

I've pretended to be a virgin enough times.

Girls, I've got great news.

I found the dog's owner.

Oh, how...

How did you know?

He recognized the picture.

And the dog came to him when he called.

That's wonderful.

Oh, I'm so glad he found...

[Tearful] ...his owner.

Dorothy...

Why, are you crying?

No, no, I just have something in my eye.

That's dog love in your eyes.

All right, all right, I admit it.

I love dogs.

It just breaks my heart that that dog is gone.

I felt the same when I dropped him off.

That's why I stopped at the animal shelter.

Come on in, guys.

Come on, guys.