01x17 - Stuck in the Diaz of Our Lives

[bunniefuu]

Harley, come down here. I need to see you.

Uh-oh. Mom yelling, "I need to see you" is never followed by

"You're getting a pizza party."

Nope. It means you're busted.

Not sure why.

I've been 100% super good. Mostly.

Come on. Saturday morning dentist?

You'd do the same thing.

Okay, I erased it.

Did anyone really wanna start their weekend with...

Harley! We brought you down for a nice surprise.

What was that? Uh, excitement.

Wheee!

Stop! No, you've done so many nice things for the family, we decided to do something nice for you.

Yes! Pizza party!

Wait, she's getting a pizza party Pizza? Wheee!

Enough! The next person to make that sound is punished.

No one's getting a pizza party.

You all know the surprise is Harley is getting a segment on her favorite TV show Girl Power.

And that's exactly how we wanted to deliver the news.

Me on Girl Power?

That show only has girls with amazing accomplishments.

Like that one that taught her dog sign language.

Look. Fire hydrant.

This is so exciting. Everyone do the thing.

"Ratsongc"?

It's supposed to say "Congrats," but we're not good at standing still.

How did this happen?

Harley went on TV before me?

How did this happen?

Oh, don't worry, Rachel.

When there's a show about shallow, moody girls, we'll submit you. Ugh.

Yeah. Girl Glower. Up top.

Not your moment, Dad.

Harley, you're an amazing inventor.

So we submitted an application to the show highlighting some of your greatest hits.

Conveyor belt table, Slushinator, skate kite.

So when's the camera crew coming?

Oh, sorry. I ordered a pizza earlier.

Hey, I guess it is a pizza party.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

As an inventor, I make things to solve problems for my family.

Like vacuuming.

We all hate it, so I invented something to make it fun.

Say hello to the Pick-Me-Up.

Picks up dust and your mood.

Pick-Me-Up, let's dance.

That's right, it's voice activated and even has a camera to record your moves.

This is awkward.

I'm not used to dancing in front of an audience.

You're doing great.

You put the "pow" in Girl Power.

Ooh, that's good. Remember that for the promo.

Okay. The Pick-Me-Up has...

Guys, quiet. Harley's doing her segment.

Uh, guys, you're supposed to be at the mall.

Sorry. Forgot my wallet.

Yeah, I have to go to the bathroom.

Mom took the pee boot out of the car.

And Dad said don't use the bushes while the camera crew's here.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Found the pee boot! Use the bathroom.

Hi. I'm Rachel.

Check me out at rachelstyle_snap.loveit.

Whoa, Harley, you didn't mention that you had such a big family. I didn't?

Huh. Weird.

Anyway, that's them. Bye.

I think the world of my family, but that doesn't mean I wanna share my family with the world.

We're going school shopping.

I'm starting first grade.

Nailed kindergarten.

Turns out there's more.

Aren't you cute?

I could just pinch your cheek.

Only if you wanna lose that finger.

She's not kidding. I think she's part ferret.

So funny, you guys. Go.

Back to the Pick-Me-Up.

It has five settings.

Hey, here's my spare key.

Hang on to it. We don't want another key incident.

Key incident? What is that?

We don't wanna bore you with...

It was hilarious.

Have you boys seen my car key?

I think we found it.

Wait. Here it is.

Then what's in there?

I guess we'll find out in 48 hours.

That was a lot of work just to find a filling.

Seven kids. You really have your hands full.

And you still manage to keep such an organized house.

Please. This is just how we live.

Georgie, no!

Just grabbing a snack.

How did all that stuff get in there?

Harley, the camera crew comes in an hour, and they can't see the house like this.

We either clean it up or we burn it down.

I'm good.

I have an idea.

Why don't we finish this interview, say, anywhere but here?

Ken, can we talk outside?

We really tried to have everyone out of the house, but you know how it is. Diaz happens.

It always does.

And now, Misha and Ken are outside

"discussing next steps."

That's TV-speak for "Nice job, wackos. We're out."

We don't know that.

They got some great footage before Mount Pantry erupted.

I wanted girls to be inspired by my invention.

There aren't as many female engineers as there should be, and this was my chance to show girls why it's cool.

So we ruined your segment and set back the women's movement.

Bad morning, even for us.

Your Girl Power segment is a bust.

Finito. Nada.

I'm a loser in many languages.

Got it.

But we do have a different opportunity.

Our biggest show, Quincy's Quintuplets, was just cancelled. Big scandal.

Turns out the quints were actually triplets and two cousins.

No wonder two of them kept calling their mom Aunt Jess.

The timing of this couldn't be better, because we think we just found our next big family. You!

We'll call it The Diaz of Our Lives:

Nine Times the Fabulous.

This family, on TV?

Where you can rewind and rewatch?

Thanks, but no.

But your family's so real. People love real.

Everyone's gonna wanna be a Diaz.

Really? Because most day, I'm not sure I do.

Look, Girl Power was one sh*t to show your inventions.

Here, they'll be featured in every episode.

You'll be a girl inventor hero.

I'm definitely a girl.

I am an inventor.

Hero? We'll let the fans decide.

We're in.

Sorry, but that's a no.

Definitely not.

Sure, sure. I get it.

I just thought the extra cash could come in handy.

You know, seven weddings, seven college funds.

A retirement home in Hawaii.

We're in.

Because of the college thing.

Looks like the Diazes are going to be on TV.

Pick-Me-Up, let's dance.

Okay, first rule: no dancing on the show.

Yeah.

Enjoy your nutritious, whole grain cereal with organic milk, Harley.

Or as we like to call it in the Diaz house, just an average, ordinary breakfast.

Dial it back, Mom.

Oh, spoon.

Just be natural.

Do what you normally do.

Okay, normally, I'd get spoons, but I don't normally have a camera guy spooning me while I do it.

Oh, no ding on you, Ken. You actually seem very nice.

BT Dubs, you have something weird in your teeth.

Okay, I can't use any of that.

Please don't talk to Ken.

Yeah, Harley, just pretend there are no cameras around.

Say a guy doesn't wanna be on camera too much.

Is there a place he could go to, say, escape them?

There are no cameras in the bathrooms.

Then that's where I'll be spending my time.

Like that's new for you.

Dude, all I ask is that you don't make me out to be the bumbling dad.

Please don't talk to Ken.

Who's worried about the cameras?

I'm just a regular mom doing regular things with grace and style.

Oh, no. Mom's going to court again.

Court? Why would you say that?

You always wear that dress when you fight a speeding ticket.

Yeah, that's your speeding ticket dress.

It's not. I don't.

Ken, would you just mind erasing that last little bit for me, please. Please don't talk to Ken.

I need this show to go well.

I'm applying for a community grant to start an afterschool sports program at the park.

This exposure could be a slam dunk.

Home run? Touchdown.

We haven't settled on a sport.

There's a very simple formula to being a reality TV star.

Gossip plus drama equals screen time.

I don't know much gossip.

Oh, Tammy Basford shrunk her basketball uniform, and said the cleaners did it.

I better just say Tammy B.

It's too incriminating.

Are you trying to get eliminated?

There's eliminations?

Keep it up and there will be.

You gotta dish the real dirt.

Wait, you wouldn't dish on our family.

Shouldn't those secrets stay inside the clubhouse?

You need to stop thinking about them as family, and more as stepping stones to a spinoff.

Hold on to your hat for this part, because I think we have lightning in a bottle.

Pick-Me-Up, pick up the clips.

That was all thanks to the positive displacement of this vacuum pump.

All the science stuff, it's fab.

Really. But our audience, they're girls who want something totes fab.

Oh, should I do game show hands?

I'll do game show hands.

You need to zhoosh it up.

Oh, right. Zhoosh.

I have no idea what that means.

It means you need to add a little glam.

A vacuum is boring.

What if it was a vacuum and... a makeup caddy?

But why would you want your makeup stuck to something that cleans Dad's toe clippings off the floor?

Don't overthink it.

If you want girls to be excited about inventing, you need to speak their language.

I have to speak zhoosh.

You are smart.

And do you mind looping Daphne into your story?

She's not gonna be the adorable breakout we thought.

Stranger danger! Get away from me, Ken.

Please don't talk to Ken.

Okay, girls, confessional is where you talk to the camera and give us your inner thoughts.

I think you already know that I'm thinking.

Well, maybe your little friend has something to say.

She's not too sharp, is she?

Moving on. Harley.

I don't know if I can do this talking to camera thing.

It's just not me.

It's totally weird, right?

Our childhood continued. Beast and Lewie.

Year one, month five.

Guys, what are you doing?

I'd like you to talk about what's happening in the family now.

But by the time our parents had us, they were too busy to take videos.

We wanna make sure we document our childhoods before they slip away.

Yeah, I'd like to have something to show my kids.

Top favorite arm farts.

Basic fudge squeak.

I love sports.

That's why I applied for a community grant...

This is reality TV.

Nobody cares about good deeds.

Okay, you want the deets on the Diaz clan.

Mom's secret meatball recipe is actually from the frozen food section at the store.

Rachel, Mom won't like...

Not the good store; the store where they mostly sell hardware.

What happened to your vacuum? I zhooshed it.

Zsoosh? Did you just swear at me?

No. See, now the Pick-Me-Up is a vacuum cleaner and a makeup caddy.

So you can vacuum and have your lip gloss handy.

Why?

Because that's what girls like.

I'm a girl, and I don't like it.

Where was I? Oh, right. Month five.

I stared at my stuffed bear through the bars of my crib...

Triple flutter blast.

I cried out for my parents, but all I heard was Okay, boys.

Carolina downwind.

We're good here.

I'm gonna start with the song I wrote.

It's about the point in your life when you go from boy to man.

I call this "Dodgeball."

One, two, three, four...

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I haven't played anything yet.

Perfect. We only get one chance to launch you as an artist, and we wanna surround you with the best available talent.

That sounds good.

Really? I'm gonna play the drums.

I'm gonna play arm farts.

Wait. Is there room for two arm fartists?

Harley, that is amazing.

Girls are going to love the Pretty-Go-Round.

Thanks. I worked really hard and...

What did you just call it? Pretty-Go-Round.

But that doesn't say anything about what it's supposed to do.

According to research, the name tested very highly.

Really?

Well, I am a scientist.

Can't argue with research.

Here's the thing.

You've done such a great job with the Pretty-Go-Round that I think it's stealing focus from you.

Nice work. You've been upstaged by something that sucks dirt.

It's also a makeup caddy.

You sleep on a dog bed.

At least I own it.

What I'm saying is, this... doesn't go with this.

Anyway, here's your script for when you present the Pretty-Go-Round in your new look. What new look?

You look like you just fell out of a unicorn's butt.

Hey, chickadees, your BFF Harley here with a hot scoop on my latest invention.

The Pretty-Go-Round.

Isn't it totes cute?

Don't you love, love, love it?

It's also a fabulistic vacuum.

Peep this.

Pick up the clip.

Pick up the clip.

Pick up the clip!

I said clip, not lip.

What am I doing?

All the girl power in the world doesn't matter if you lose the girl.

I said girl, not curl.

When they brought up the idea of a boy band, I was skeptical.

But every musician has to start somewhere.

And it looks like I'm starting with Buenos Three-az.

Okay, guys, like they taught us.

Five, six, seven, eight...

Wait. I missed one through four.

I have a feeling that's not gonna matter. Hit it.

Who needs guitar rock when you can do... whatever the heck that was.

And Ethan... Rachel, stop.

Ethan once wrote Zayn from One Direction for hair advice, and my dad...

Rachel, can I have a word with you?

What you're doing is not okay.

Good. Then I'm doing it right.

This is our family. You can't just keep spilling their secrets.

You don't hear me telling everyone Mom takes pictures of our school photos so she doesn't have to buy them.

You can't hear us out here, can you?

Harley?!

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, just taking a bath.

With no water.

And in my clothes.

Whose clothes? I don't even know anymore.

Scoot over.

It's hard being real on a reality show, huh?

Yeah.

The me they're telling me to be, I don't know how to be.

Honey, all you have to be is you.

You're great.

The thing is, I don't think I wanna be on this show anymore.

But everyone else is loving it.

Come on.

You're hiding in here, too?

What are you wearing? What are you wearing?

Things didn't exactly turn out like we planned.

Wait, I thought I was the lead singer.

Unless you're an animated raccoon, you thought wrong.

You're the backup singers.

Why don't you guys clear out?

We're gonna do one with just the raccoon.

Insulting.

Very.

I'd like to think I can sing better than most raccoons.

We'll be right back.

We're just going to the bathroom.

Together like girls do.

Harley, you look amazing.

Which makes this hard to say.

We don't wanna do the show anymore.

Okay, here's something super embarrassing. Last summer, Harley...

Rachel sucks her thumb when she's nervous.

What?! She did it last night.

You people have cameras; show the video.

That's right. I just won reality TV.

I never thought a win would make me feel so bad.

For the record, I did win though.

Hey, what's everyone doing in my room?

We all want out of the show.

Guess I'm the only one who didn't look bad.

I was afraid I was gonna be the bumbling dad, but it's been okay.

But if the family's not happy, we're quitting the show.

Don't we have a three-year contract?

What did the lawyer say?

Lawyer? What lawyer?

Oh, I am the bumbling dad.

So we're stuck for the next three years?

Sorry. My bad.

I was leaning on the Pick-Me-Up.

Pretty-Go-Round.

Wow. Stuff's happened.

Where's the stinkin' off button on this thing?

Oh, it's under the vacuum's wig.

Why would a vacuum have a wig?

Not the time.

I think I just found our "get out of zhoosh free" card.

Can't a girl just go to the bathroom anymore?

You can't quit.

The Diaz of Our Lives show is going to be gold.

Yeah, but our family's signing on to a new show.

It's called We're Done Here.

Oh, wait. Let me zhoosh that up for you.

We're totes out.

Not sure what channel's that on, but you have a three-year binding contract with us.

Sorry.

Okay.

Then sit back and enjoy some behind-the-scenes video my Pick-Me-Up happened to pick up.

Pretty-Go-Round. What do you mean, video?

It's a vacuum.

With a voice-activated camera that was there the whole time, underneath all the zhoosh.

Turns out, my vacuum picked up more than one kind of dirt.

Yeah, I know it's a reality show, but no one has to know the storylines are fake.

We make stuff up to get ratings.

Of course the boys aren't a band.

The audience is dumb. They won't know.

Harley's invention? Boring.

Girl Power? Yawn.

Anyway, this isn't a reality show.

It's a way to sell hair products.

Good show, right?

When I post it, it's going to be gold.

You know...

I don't think Diaz of Our Lives is gonna work out.

Oh. One last thing.

I still want my segment on Girl Power, with my original invention.

Fine.

I don't know why I decided to do a show with smart girls.

Ken, we're leaving.

Please don't talk to Ken.

My invention went from Pick-Me-Up to Pretty-Go-Round to bye-bye, TV crew, and that's real girl power.

No zhoosh required.

As much as it may be tempting to share your family with the world, sometimes it's better just to keep them to yourself.