02x06 - Stuck in the Diaz Easter

[bunniefuu]

This part is really scary.

Please. Vampires? What else ya got?

Hey, guys.

Sorry. I need serious help.

Based on that look, I agree.

I was hoping to go low-key with my Easter bonnet this year.

Is this too much?

How does your neck even hold that up?

We're not really an Easter bonnet family.

But we do all the other traditions.

Candy baskets, egg hunts, big ham dinners, right?

We do? All I remember is being off from school for a week, and going out to dinner, but the taco place was closed.

That's all you do?

Finally!

A day that's more fun at my house.

Wow.

We really let Easter slide.

Family traditions are easy when you only have a couple of kids.

But with seven, it's hard enough for Mom and Dad to get us all to brush our teeth, let alone pull off a big holiday celebration.

Check it out... the Easter baskets when there were only two kids, four kids, six kids, and by the last kid...

Oh. Must be Easter.

I hate to inform you, but we've lost Easter.

This sounds important enough to stop pretending like we know how to fold a fitted sheet.

Go on.

Easter has gone the way of writing thank-you notes, washing our hands, or eating vegetables.

At some point, it just got away from us.

For your information, I had a radish last night.

It was an accident, but I ate it.

It's been so long since we've had a traditional Diaz Easter, Daphne can't even remember what it's like.

What? I could've sworn just last year, I put out six little Easter baskets.

There's seven of us.

Wow, it has been a while.

Okay, so this year, when Easter rolls around, we'll do it up big, with all the Diaz bells and whistles.

Great, because Easter is tomorrow.

Oh. Well, there's always next year.

No, Tom, she's right.

Without family traditions, we are just a bunch of people living together, fighting over the remote.

Grocery store, here I come.

Right after I re-wash this sheet. Yeah.

It's the morning of Daphne's first real Easter.

Downstairs will be all decorated.

Our table will have Easter baskets for everyone.

Even you. Well, maybe not you.

We have a lot of people here.

Daphne. It's Easter.

Just slide the egg through the door.

Deathne and I had a late night.

Oh, we are way past napkin chocolate.

Wake up, everyone.

Diaz Easter is back!

What am I looking at here?

Apparently, a table full of lies.

This is even worse than last year.

Yeah, last year, we got to sleep in.

There's supposed to be baskets.

And not just one filled with laundry.

Mom didn't put the baskets out, so the Easter bunny didn't come.

Does this mean we're off his list for good?

I'm going back to bed.

If a chocolate egg shows up, leave it at my door.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Mom, what happened?

We are on the verge of losing the one holiday where you get to eat chocolate for breakfast.

Oh, I guess this cold is worse than I thought.

I slept straight through putting out the Easter baskets.

If only there was another parent who could've stepped in.

You guys have seen me with the Christmas tree lights.

Nobody wants me hanging Easter grass.

You don't hang Easter grass.

Ah. I rest my case.

I'm sorry we let Daphne down.

That's not true, Mom.

You let down all of us.

All right, there's more to Easter than candy.

Like, uh...

Oh, like, uh... Church?

Yeah. See? Tradition.

All right, everyone get in your Sunday best.

Can I go like this? Um...

God may forgive you, but I won't.

Snubbed by the Easter bunny.

This is a new low.

Okay, we had a misfire with the baskets, but there's a reason why Easter's in spring.

It's about new beginnings.

And miracles.

We're actually gonna need both.

Wait until you taste Mom's delicious ham dinner.

It's ham-tastic.

Hammer-iffic. Hammer time.

I'll keep working on it.

Mmm. I can almost smell that ham now.

I smell something.

Something awful.

Maybe it's this rotten ham rolling around on the floor.

I'm gonna say that's the leading candidate.

Gross! The fact that none of us even noticed this until now means we have to have a serious conversation about this car.

I would love to blame that one on your mom, but my job was carrying in the bags.

And I'm guessing this bread with the footprint on it is on you, too.

Be honest. Have you guys ever celebrated Easter before?

Hey, guys. Hi, Harley.

We're gonna squeeze in. Okay.

Oh, sorry.

We have a lot of people.

Oh, was that your hair? Sorry. Peace be with you.

Sure, we missed the candy basket part, but get the "sit on a hard bench in uncomfortable clothes" part.

Look at you, handling your stable of children alone, when it's normally so hard with two of you.

You're in church, Tom. You're in church.

Suzy came down with a little cold.

Oh. So you're all carriers.

Ellie, hands.

Don't worry. I got it all under control.

You won't even know the Diazes are here.

♪ Great prices that will treat you right ♪

♪ Come on down to the Bait and Bite ♪

♪ Come on down to the Bait and Bite ♪

♪ Come on down to the Bait and Bite ♪ Hello.

What are you...?

If anything on that hat is candy, would you be willing to trade it for a whole Easter ham?

It's right in the car. It's right in the car.

A whole Easter ham.

Would you be willing to trade?

Bad news. Problem at the store.

Ethan, I'll need some help. Come with.

Yes! I mean...

Aww. I'm gonna miss all this great church.

Seriously? In the middle of service?

The deli fridge went kablooey.

I can't have my car and my store smell like rotten ham.

You guys can walk home from church.

It's just a couple of blocks.

You expect me to walk home in these shoes?

Would you rather help me scrape out old shrimp from the deli fridge?

I'm sorry. What? I stopped listening at "help me."

Was this the Easter magic you were talking about?

Okay, we're three men down for church.

We still have more people here than most families. Go, Diazes.

Go, Diazes.

If only they would.

Solid church, everybody.

Standing, sitting, all top notch.

Harley, as someone who sh*t up a lot of air balls, I can tell you we are nowhere near the rim on this holiday.

Not true. Daphne, what do you say we head home, and keep this Easter train rolling? I think this is my stop.

What? I'm the youngest.

Last in line for everything.

Toys, clothes, memories.

It would've been nice to get a Diaz Easter, but it's not gonna happen.

Thanks for trying.

I'm gonna see if anything tasty fell off of Ellie's hat.

Hey, we were able to do church as a family.

Well, except for Mom, Dad and Ethan.

I'm going over to Phoebe's for dinner.

They're having Chinese.

Maybe I'll get a good Easter fortune.

Can you bring me home an eggroll?

At least it has the word "egg" in it.

Guys, we can't give up on Easter.

Not just for Daphne's sake; because it's a slippery slope.

Take the big fireworks display Dad used to set off on Fourth of July. Do I need to remind you of last year?

When is it my turn?

And do you two remember doing the annual Diaz St. Patrick's Day jig/corned beef eat-a-thon?

That was a thing? It was.

It's like what happened to Flag Day fajitas.

What? We never...

Hey, that one didn't even make it to me.

We have to save Easter.

If we don't, the next thing on the chopping block is Christmas.

The girl's right. We can't let it get to that.

If Mom and Dad can't do it, we've gotta step up.

You're right. You and I will figure out dinner.

I'm good at putting makeup on things. I'll decorate the eggs.

We'll fill Easter baskets. That's a given.

As a candy-related activity, we pull rank here.

Great. We're going to replace those Easters Daphne can't remember with ones she'll never forget.

On three.

One, two, three, Diaz Easter!

Sh! Sorry.

Guys? Guys!

I know I'm the youngest, but come on.

Please kneel.

You may be seated.

I like this. It's basically Simon Says.

All rise.

Hey. You get left behind, too?

No. My mom's running the church dinner for the less fortunate, and she wants me to help organize it.

I'm trying to put on my leader face.

I recommend you keep trying.

Ellie.

Time to motivate some volunteers.

I hope you're ready... Oh.

Oh, it appears we have a stray Diaz.

Were you left behind by accident, or on purpose?

Has to be the first one. I'm the best kid they got.

I'll get a hold of your mother.

Ugh. Sorry, Bethany.

I'm too sick to listen to whatever you wanna complain about.

Just an hour, and I'll be fine.

All right, so I've got the bread, the lettuce...

Two seconds more than I thought I'd get.

This is how I learned how to fix stuff.

By watching my dad when I was a kid.

Hey, you're not even paying attention.

I am... to the internet.

This do-it-yourself guy is working on the same fridge you have.

Pfft. What does that guy know that your old man doesn't?

He knows that that thing you connected here should be connected there.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, that's amazing.

What else can those internet guys do?

Um, how about fixing an outboard motor in five easy steps?

Sweet, 'cause I got one in the back that I broke in one easy step. I'll get my tools.

That's the first step.

Ooh, this guy is good.

Yeah.

Mrs. Peters is calling.

Ooh, Bethany. Press "ignore."

If only it were that easy in real life.

You guys still doing Easter for Daphne?

That's so nice.

How can I help?

You already have.

Here's your credit card.

I took it last night for school supplies.

I needed a new top for science class.

This ham's good to go.

It only touched the sidewalk once.

Don't worry, Mom. We're here to make your life easier.

Oh, perfect. I can use this for my eggs.

Who needs tea? Okay.

Nap time.

Mom!

Easter bunny hit that store hard, Mom.

The candy aisles were cleaned out.

It was down to cough drops and breath mints.

Did you get them, 'cause I could use a cough drop, and you guys could really use a breath mint.

But we still have one more option.

If something works on one holiday, why not try it on the other?

Trick or treaster!

We'll take chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, sugar packets.

Really anything in the sugar pyramid.

Well, I guess until your parents realize you're missing, you're here with me.

Honestly, it's the best thing that could've ever happened to you.

Can I get a bike then, Mommy?

Ah, worth a sh*t.

Ellie, your job is to make sure everything on this list gets done.

So put your leader face on. I was.

This is it.

Oh, boy.

Just start getting the volunteers to put more chairs around the tables.

And you just stay back and try not to bite anyone's leg.

Excuse me.

Would you mind putting more chairs around the table?

Two would be great, when you get a chance.

Or we could start with one and see how it goes.

I don't think they wanna help.

If you can't rally a bunch of priests, nuns and volunteers, that's a you problem.

You're right.

I've gotta be tougher.

I'll give 'em a half hour, then try again.

Allow me.

Yo, people. Listen up.

We got work to do.

How did you do that?

Big family. You don't speak up, you don't eat.

Maybe you should take this.

I was taking it anyway.

Okay, our Easter has started shaky, but shaky starts are also a Diaz tradition.

I have full faith we can pull this off, and give Daphne the perfect Easter.

Because when you work together as a family, you end up with the sweet smell of success.

Which really smells like that time Rachel tried to dry rain boots in the microwave.

Hey, Georgie, have you checked on the ham lately?

What happened?

You forgot to take the plastic wrap off.

The butcher said just put it in the oven.

It's foolproof. It is.

Proof that you're a fool.

She's not.

She is. We're back to no Easter dinner.

Easter's starting to remind me a lot of Fourth of July.

You ever notice how Diaz Easter sounds a lot like disaster?

There goes Easter dinner.

At least car ham's gonna have a buddy in ham heaven.

New plan. I'm gonna go to the store and get another one.

Georgie, you start peeling the potatoes.

Okay.

And take them out of the bag first.

Okay, let's see.

What's next?

Ooh, looks like centerpieces.

Okay. I need four people on centerpieces.

Mustache, mom jeans, beret, cargo shorts. Hop to.

I make a much better assistant to the assistant than the actual assistant.

Uh-huh. You wanna grab me a hot chocolate, sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

It's amazing how much candy people gave us.

Do you think trick of Tranksgiving will work?

We did such a good job, I'll bet the Easter bunny will bring us on staff next year.

Our baskets. Look!

How dare he steal the candy we suckered people out of?

Get him!

Did you fix the old register yet?

I think so.

The video's in French. I'm really hoping ouvrir le tiroir means "open the drawer," and not "explode in my face."

Yes!

I thought you were fixing the electric saw.

I searched for it, but got side tracked learning the electric slide.

That can't be a thing people do.

Huh. It is.

I'm not sure that's entirely safe.

Do you want safe or fast?

Yes. Crushed it.

I can see why they recommend taking the plastic off.

Went through another box of...

Uh-oh. Honey's not the only thing glazing that ham.

That raccoon was tougher than I thought.

And not a quitter.

He has my respect.

We're still okay, as long as nobody minds their candy covered in teeth marks and raccoon spit.

You gotta be kidding me! Where's the grass?

Nature, why are you against us?

Baskets came out great.

How are things going in here?

Guys. Reality check. Those are a mess.

So it's noticeable? I thought you had this.

For once, an animal was more destructive than us.

Rachel! Oops.

You graffitied my ham. What is wrong with you?

Don't yell at me.

At least all my eggs are totally on point, Chef Boy-are-you-dumb.

Oh, really?

Whoops. Chef Boy-are-I-clumsy.

Ooh, egg smashing. Is this an Easter tradition?

It is now!

No!

I guess I didn't boil all of them.

What is going on?

Not Easter.

Well, it's over.

Diaz Easter time of death: 3:46 p.m.

You'll soon be followed by Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

We may as well just throw our calendars out.

Days will be meaningless.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I know you were trying to make today special for Daphne.

Wait.

Where is Daphne?

This is so easy.

Don't get too cocky. There's a spin coming up.

One, two three...

Oh, we're nailin' this.

Hey, do you think there's a lot of work for father-son electric slide duos?

There will be, son.

There will be. And...

Well, that explains why Dad wasn't picking up his phone.

Tom! Is Daphne with you?

What? No. I thought she was with you.

Everybody chill. Daphne's fine.

Ellie just posted that Daphne was voted church volunteer of the month.

I wanna say that clears up the mystery, but I'm not sure it does.

There's my baby.

We're really sorry we left you at the church.

And for all the other stuff we did today that you don't know about.

I'm glad to see you, but all this baby stuff is making me look weak.

I am in charge of this whole section.

In charge? What?

She helped do all this.

Daphne, I'm so impressed.

I helped her help.

We have people to feed, and I can use some more volunteers.

Everyone, grab an apron.

You heard the lady. Apron up.

You're welcome for the free babysitting.

The first six could use some work, but the little one has a chance.

Thanks so much for looking out for her.

Okay, now take your germs away from the food before the less fortunate become more less fortunate.

I'm sorry Diaz Easter wasn't what I promised.

It wasn't.

But it turns out, being the last kid in a big family isn't all bad.

It gave me the confidence to do this.

And you're the first one in on this new Diaz tradition.

You should be proud.

Thanks. You still owe me candy.

Cough drops or mints, take your choice.

So we saved Easter, and Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

If Flag Day fajitas comes back, I'll let you know.