02x17 - Stuck in a Merry Scary

[bunniefuu]

Tomorrow's my favorite
holiday of the year.

I'll give you one guess which one.

Actually, I'm just going to tell you.

Halloween.

If you got it wrong, that'd be awkward.

It's the best holiday for inventors.

Meet... the Turbo Carve.

All the pumpkin gore
without all the pumpkin goo.

And it's not just me
who loves Halloween.

My whole family does.

Every year, Ethan and Dad
turn our backyard into

our neighborhood's Haunted Hang,

which has a version of our family.

You know, if our family
was made out of leaves,

straw and garbage bags.

Scarecrow Mom looks so good,
I'd marry her all over again.

Aw. Scarecrow Daphne
just lost her first tooth.

Candy corn.

Please don't eat
your brothers and sisters.

And then there's the annual post
trick-or-treat candy auction.

Beast has a king-size chocolate bar

he's looking to trade.
Who will start the bidding?

I'll give him three licorice whips.

Now we got some action.
I got three whips.

Three whips; do I hear four?

Come on, people, it's
a king-size chocolate bar here.

Four whips and a peanut cluster.

Four and a cluster,
I got four and a cluster.

Do I hear five? Four and a cluster

going once, going twice.

Sold to the boy in the glasses.

Be sure to brush your teeth tonight.

And then, there's my favorite tradition.

Secret Scarer. It's like Secret Santa.

You pull a name,

but instead of surprising
someone with a thoughtful gift,

you give them an awesome fright.

Last year, I got Ethan.

Yep, you scare them to death,

and then you yell "Merry Scary!"

(MECHANICAL LAUGHTER)

Not to be braggy,

but I'm the best scarer in the family.

It's kind of my gift to them.

Hurry up, Harley.

Yeah. We wanna eat the brains
while they're still cold.

This year, I finally picked Rachel.

I'd never gotten her before.

She's the best one,
because with everybody else,

I feel a tiny bit guilty
when they scream in terror.

Ew, raisin?

I thought it was chocolate chip.

Ugh!

Yeah, guilt is not
going to be a problem.

Get ready.

I'm about to scare Rachel
all the way to Christmas.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like
things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out
your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin,
let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado,
rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

I'm in here!

That was supposed to be for Rachel.

I got her for my Secret Scarer.

Not this again.

Every year, you go way over the top.

Last year, after what you did
to Lewie and Beast,

they slept in our room for a month.

Hey, if I'm going to make
an animatronic goblin,

it's going to look real.

You're an inventor.
You have an unfair advantage.

We never scare you
as well as you scare us.

And no one's more
bummed out about that than I am.

Every year, I have to fake being scared

when a rubber spider
shows up in my cereal.

Oh, no! Is that a spider
in my cereal? Aah!

Come on, people, up your game.

Just do us all a favor and dial it back

to a nice, easy, heart
att*ck level this year.

No problem.

Even half Harley is still twice as scary

as the rest of this family.

Harley, I need you to take me
trick-or-treating tonight.

And wear comfortable shoes.

We're going to be out there for a while.

Sorry. Can't.

I'll be busy dialing it back.

But not too much. But not not too much.

Besides, I always
take you trick-or-treating.

I'm tired of going with you.

You always wear that big,
floppy rabbit costume,

you're too slow,

you take way too many pictures.

I can go on, but I don't
want to hurt your feelings.

It doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

Hey, there's oatmeal
in the microwave for you.

Thanks.

Oh, cool, a bunch of
new items for our -D

Haunted Hang experience.

Moldy avocado.

What can we say that is?

Oh, uh...

alien brains. Next.

Ugh, that tofu and sprouts
no one would eat.

Okay.

Furry witch's tongue.

Best part about this

is I get points from your mother
for cleaning out the fridge.

We have the coolest display
in the neighborhood.

We're gonna destroy
Mr. Tedesco's Scare-Fest-O.

Speaking of destroy,

I hope this year,
vandals don't trash this place

like they usually do.

This year, I'm gonna catch those punks.

I'd help, but I'm gonna be
stuck handing out candy,

and a whole lotta "Oh, look at you's."

It's okay. I'll find my own back-up.

Good, because we risked our
lives touching these leftovers.

It shouldn't be for nothing.

Oh, man!

You can feel this one.

Sh!

BOTH: Boo!

BOTH: Merry Scary!

I can't believe it.

We finally got each other
for Secret Scarer.

And we both had the same cool idea.

Store-bought fright masks?

Oh, that just makes me sad.

How to get Rachel?

I see so many disgusting possibilities.

(QUIET COUGHING)

Are you waiting to
jump out and scare me?

No. I'm hiding so no one
jumps out and scares me.

Tell me you didn't pick me
for Secret Scarer.

You know it's not in
the spirit of the game...

It is you!

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!

Relax. I got Rachel.

Well, someone out there has my name.

Do you mind if I hide back
under here while you work?

You wanna go back under
that dirty laundry?

Now you're starting to scare me.

Ugh. I can't believe you guys won't
help me guard the Haunted Hang.

You do know that every house
in the whole neighborhood

is handing out candy tonight, right?

For free, Ethan. Free!

Everybody gets free candy tonight.

But you know what they don't get?

Badges.

The honor of protecting
the Halloween hang

from vandals by working for the TTSA...

Trick-or-Treat Security Agency.

Intrigued as we are by
the pumpkin-shaped badges,

"free candy"
are two pretty powerful words.

How about you do this,

and I'll take you guys
trick-or-treating tomorrow night?

The night after Halloween?

Yeah.

November st is the best night
to go trick-or-treating.

- It is?
- Halloween night,

kids get all hopped up
on candy and go crazy.

Next day, parents wanna
give it all away.

It's a gold mine.

We're going to be candy millionaires.

That's the best kind.

Does this work on every holiday?

Do we get more presents
on December th?

- Uh, sure.
- Oh, yeah.

I need a dress for
Zia's Halloween party tonight.

I'm going as a ghost

that d*ed wearing
a cute dress and heels.

Is this the part where
you say "Merry Scary"?

Seriously? Nothing?

Can one of your arms
hand me my black dress?

It was made for scaring, not styling.

for . Grow up.

Halloween is about more
than just scaring people.

Although you should be frightened

you have nothing better to do.

She did not just dis
my half Harley scare.

Looks like someone just
invited whole Harley

to re-enter the building.

From now on, it's not Halloween.

It's Harley-ween.

Yeah, I'm thinking of
cutting a me-shaped hole

into my sister's mattress
so I can pop out and scare her.

How much would it cost to buy a new one?

Oh.

Okay, I'll just think of something else.

Stay away from me, Harley.

I need a ten-foot radius.

What's with the mirrors?

Are you dressing up as Rachel?

Nope. This is the only way
I can make sure

nobody sneaks up on me.

Looking for a scare?

These things are useless.

Aren't you supposed
to be trick-or-treating?

You want dead bodies? My teacher's
cousin works at a cemetery.

I say we get a shovel,
grab a duffle bag...

No! Go trick-or-treat.

New idea. You may have to
lose a finger for this one,

but it would be worth it.

I just thought of the perfect
way to terrify Rachel.

I don't know what the plan is,

but you look evil in every one of these.

This look like a vandal to you?

Nah. That Dalmatian's in my gym class.

- He's clean.
- Okay, go.

Hey!

But I don't like the looks of this guy.

Turn around.

Aha!

This kid's packing TP.

Guys, he's a mummy.

That's his costume.

I don't wanna see you
back here again, two-ply.

- b*at it!
- Go.

I'm putting this in evidence.

Oh, this is way softer
than what Mom buys.

Oh!

Hey, guys.

I'm getting some calls
from the neighborhood moms.

A lot of 'em use the words
"excessive force."

Not groovy.

Ridiculous.

(FARTING NOISE)

It's all set.

This will come to be known as

the greatest scare in Diaz history.

Get to the part where Rachel loses it.

Okay, here's what's going to happen.

First, Rachel will
head into the bathroom

to get ready for her party.

I've rigged the lights to flicker

with the push of a button on my remote.

While she wonders what's wrong,

a device sitting on top
of the shower curtain

will project a creepy hologram.

- What do you guys think?
- Is it over yet?

If you get my name next year,
do that to me.

I'd love to have nightmares about that.

Maybe Mom's right.

I'm all for scaring Rachel,

but something like that
could haunt her forever.

Like that time I tried
to cross-over dribble

mid-game and took out Janelle's grandma.

This is not the time to go halfway.

I may never pull Rachel's
name out of the hat again.

And I will not live with regret.

I'll live with Lewie, Beast and Daphne,

but I will not live with regret.

Well, I don't want any part of this.

I would like several parts.

Hey. Any sign of our criminal?

Well, there was a guy
in a prison costume.

But he was being pushed
around in a stroller.

Oh!

I'm starting to think we're
going about this all wrong.

If you wanna catch a perp,

you don't advertise you have security.

We need to go undercover.

(FARTING NOISE)

That means I agree.

I'm just a regular monkey,
thinking monkey thoughts.

Not at all secret agent.

And I'm just a whoopee cushion.

Born to make fart sounds,
not investigate anyone.

You've given me a great idea.

To figure this out on my own.

Is this Rachel scare gonna happen?

'Cause I'm starting to think
this was just an excuse

for you to hang out in my pad.

SUZY: Daphne, we're gonna
leave for trick-or-treating

in ten minutes.

Make with the scare, Harley.

Time is candy.

Yeah. Let's get this thing going.

Rachel, bathroom's free.

Showtime.

Who's messing with the lights?

(RACHEL SHRIEKING)

(LOUD CRASHING)

Ow, my leg! I think it's broken.

Ow!

My leg!

- Well, that backfired.
- Ouch!

Can you leave my house?
I don't wanna get tied to this.

Ow!

I'm sorry, Rachel. I didn't mean it.

But it's like Christmas, right?
It's the thought that counts.

And I'm thinking
I've got one sister too many.

Better get you to urgent care.

It's Halloween. They'll be
expecting a Diaz at some point.

Harley, I told you to go easy.

This is way past
werewolf in the microwave.

I can't believe
I just said that sentence.

Parenting is weird.

I'm sorry, Rachel.

But look on the bright side.

You know those really
expensive shoes you want?

Now you only have to buy one.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Now that Mom's taking
care of your victim,

who's gonna take me trick-or-treating?

The last thing I wanna do right now

is go trick-or-treating.

I already ruined Halloween
for one sister.

I can still help
make it fun for another.

Your sister Harley, that's who.

You and I are doin' it
up Halloween style.

Look out, world,
here comes the Diaz sisters.

Easy. I'm just in it for the candy.

We're halfway through Halloween,

and no closer to figuring out
who the vandal is.

We're as dumb as these pumpkin brains.

Hey, speak for yourself.

I b*at scarecrow me at tic-tac-toe
two out of three times.

I wonder if Mr. Tedesco's
display got wrecked.

Nah. His place never gets vandalized.

He's always bragging about having the
best haunted house on the block.

Maybe there's a reason why his place

never gets wrecked.

Maybe he's the vandal.

What?!

Think about it.

Motive. He takes us down,

boom, he has the best display.

Proximity. Ha, he lives
right down the street.

Opportunity.

He's an adult; he can do
whatever he wants.

The monkey's right.

There's a reason
they're the smartest animal.

I say we strike Tedesco before
he strikes us. (FARTING NOISE)

Yeah.

Hmm.

This would be a great time
to say a catchphrase.

Anything?

- No. You?
- Nah.

We'll circle back.

Isn't this great?

The smell of fresh candy in the air.

I'd have a lot more candy if you
weren't dragging those bunny feet.

Pick up the pace.

Sorry.

Uh, I didn't have time
to finish my costume

so I had to borrow Mom's.

- I was going to go as...
- Don't care. Keep moving.

Okay. Let's at least get a photo of
the great Halloween we're having.

All right, say boo.

Boo!

I think it's time we both admit
that this was a mistake.

Oh, there's Taylor and her mom.

I'm going with them.

Please don't hop after me.

Taylor!

What, are you ditching me? You can't...

Oh, they have a wagon.

I can't compete with that.

See you at home.

Vandals got us again.

Poor me.

Where is everyone?

They must've gone
trick-or-treating without me.

It's official.

This is the worst Halloween ever.

Why is the door stuck?

Open up, open up!

Please open the door. Please.

Oh, Rachel. Rachel, you're back.

You have to help me...

There was a little problem
at the hospital.

ALL: Merry Scary!

We got you so good.

It took all eight of us
to pull off something

to be worthy of you.

After years of terrifying us,

Merry Scary from the family.

How did you put this all together?

SUZY: Well, we wanted to make
sure you got Rachel

for Secret Scarer,

so we folded her name
to make sure no one else

- would choose her.
- TOM: We rigged it.

We needed to figure out
what you had planned for Rachel

so she wouldn't be scared.

I gave her a heads-up text,

and for your big scare,

we just let Rachel do
what she does best.

Ow, my leg. I think it's broken!

GEORGIE: Be dramatic about nothing.

Ow!

DAPHNE: We knew with Mom and Dad
pretending to take care of Rachel,

you would have to
take me trick-or-treating.

LEWIE: While you two were gone,

everyone else had plenty of time

to get into costume.

BEAST: Then Daphne ditched you
and ran home.

DAPHNE: Actually, I didn't have to run.

You were pretty slow in that bunny suit.

TOM: And then, the fun began.

Oh, Rachel, you have to help me.

HARLEY: Hang on.

Rachel's head fell off her shoulders.

How did that happen?

RACHEL: I studied that trick

way more than any subject at school.

You all got together,

plotted and went behind my back

to try to scare me?

This is the best Halloween ever!

You know, the night's not done yet.

And since we all have costumes...

Uh, Ethan?

Is that part of the Halloween Hang?

I think we might've
found the real vandal.

We may have to swing by Mr. Tedesco's

to clean a -pack
of TP out of his trees.

HARLEY: Trust me, it takes
a lot of thought

to craft the perfect scare.

My family took the time
to do that for me.

I guess you could say
they cared enough to scare.

So this Halloween,

if someone scares the pants off you...

ALL: Merry Scary!

remember, it's just their way
of saying "I love you."