03x17 - Stuck in Diaz Court

[bunniefuu]

How? Why?

Who?

Family meeting!

Despite our warnings, once again,

one of you damaged the car.

Why do you assume it was one of us?

[Tom] The broken antenna.

[Georgie] Sorry!

[Suzy] Bologna in the CD player.

- Really?
- [Ethan] Sorry!

[Tom] And let's not forget...

What the...?

- ...the tire swing.
- [Lewie & Beast] Sorry!

Yeah, it was totally one of us.

That car does not need
any help from you kids.

It's very capable
of falling apart on its own.

Yeah, just ask our mechanic.

It already paid
for his cruise to Alaska.

Whoever did this will be
on lockdown for a month

and will work off the repair
bill doing chores.

Lockdown's never good,
but vacation's about to start.

That means whoever did this

won't even get to escape to school.

Yes, I said, "escape to school."

The fact that school
is better than lockdown

says everything you need to know
about how bad this is.

When I got back
from the store this morning,

the car was fine.

So where's everyone been since then?

I was busy doing a creative project.

I'm so glad you asked to learn to knit.

It's wonderful for children.

Very calming.

Your gloves don't have any fingers.

That's because they're handcuffs.

Beast and I were also doing
a creative project.

[laughs]

Popcorn pillow.

Oh!

That's why my hair smells like butter.

And why we're out of all
the popcorn I just bought.

I didn't do it. I was, uh...

in the kitchen eating mango.

I remember, because I was
using the good fork.

- You were with me.
- Oh, phew.

I don't know where that
"good fork" story was going.

And then there were two.

Don't look at me.

I was up in the attic playing roll-ball.

Got anyone to back up that story?

No, I was by myself.

Congratulations,
you're suspect number one.

Well, I'm off the hook.

I was in my room
working on a new invention.

- Was anyone with you?
- No.

Working with other people there
is basically me just going,

"Quiet, please."

"Quiet."

"Be quiet or I'll tear your face off!"

I can vouch for that part.

Looks like we have two suspects.

Which one of you did it?

Fess up.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[both clearing throat]

Guys, everyone else has an alibi.

Someone has to own up to this.

Don't make us punish you both.

Harley, Ethan, you two
are headed to Diaz Court.

[both] What?

Really? Are we doing this?

I guess we're doing this.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like
things are out of control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Trying to figure out
your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kind of perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the game begin,
let's jump right in ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado ♪

♪ Rowing in the same boat ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

Whenever there's a disagreement

with no way to prove
who's right or wrong,

we go to Diaz Court.

I didn't do this, so Ethan must have.

I'm going to help him backpedal
his way out of this one

so we can avoid this trial.

Why are you walking like that?

Because I'm here to help.

Now listen, we both know

sometimes people make mistakes
and don't admit it right away.

Then it's hard to go back.

But that's what a BFTFs are for,

to help you out when you're in a jam.

I appreciate your confession.

What can I do to help?

My confession?

I didn't do this.

You did.

[laughs] I can see you're new at this.

So why don't you moonwalk on out,

come back in and try re-confessing?

That was a backpedal.

Which you should start doing,

since we all know
you like to go in the car,

roll up the windows and use it
as a recording studio.

You probably knocked
the car out of gear.

Except I wasn't in the car.

And we all know you use it
to video-chat with Aidan

because it's the best place
to boost Ms. Peters' Wi-Fi.

But not today.

Come on, Ethan, we both know

there's only one way
to avoid going to Diaz Court.

So...

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[both clearing throat]

Justice is about to be served

in the case of "Who Crashed the Car."

[Harley] In Diaz court,

each kid is randomly assigned a role

using the Role-R Cage.

Mom and Dad are always the jury.

Did you or did you not state
you were, quote,

"peckish" for a sweet treat on a stick?

Yeah, I... I-I did say that.

But I didn't eat the pop.

Or maybe I did.

You make a very good case.

[Harley] The crucial
decisions rest with them.

So have you made up your mind?

I'm leaning toward the Thai place.

The first decision being

what lunch to order for themselves

in the jury room.

Thai...

The judge will be...

Georgie.

Oh, no, please, I hate making decisions.

You know what?

I just remembered,
I drove the car into the garage.

- Case closed.
- Nice try.

Go get the powdered wig.

And the court reporter is...

- Daphne.
- Oh, come on.

All the court reporter does

is write down what other people say.

I'm the only one in the family
that says stuff

that should be remembered.

And the lawyer for Ethan is...

Lewie.

Yes! Lewie's the best.

He's undefeated.

Thanks.

From now on, you say nothing
before running it by me.

I guess that means Harley's lawyer is...

[Harley] Did I mention Beast

is the losing-est lawyer in the family?

You're in good hands.

Well, you will be as soon
as I unglue these three fingers.

[hip-hop music playing]

Court reporter in the house!

For the record,

that is not how the court
reporter enters the room.

Please write that down
once you finish dancing.

[turns music off]

My lawyer said he would be here.

Where were you?

Preparing my opening statement.

I've laid out a six-part defense.

I go into motive, bias,

and other words
I looked up on the Internet.

I'm impressed.

Time for opening statements
in the matter of BFTF v BFTF.

Shouldn't it be "B-F-I-T-F?"

I mean, it's Best Friend
in the Family...

you know, never mind.

Here we go.

- [whirring and grinding]
- My notes!

A court reporter
doesn't get to use a shredder.

You don't tell me how to do my job,

and I won't tell you how to do yours.

Now what?

Guess I'll just have to wing it

like I did with my other clients.

Uh, this doesn't look so good for...

Oh, come on! Give me a chance.

As we begin this trial,
I would ask the jurors

to direct their attention to the TV.

Baby Ethan.

Adorable. Innocent.

Angelic.

And his first word?

"Love."

[both gasp]

You didn't say anything about the case.

And my first word was "shoe."

The case?

What does that have to do with anything?

I play the emotion.

And now the opening statement
for Harley.

"Justice penalty the jury my sisters

Ethan ladies and gentleman hello."

These are in the wrong order!

Judge, may I have time to re-tape?

Objection! We already wasted
half an hour

watching him piece together
that word vomit.

Guys, pick a number between and .

- Two.
- Eight.

Four. Lewie is closest.

Sustained.

You can't decide things by rolling dice.

This is a courtroom, not a casino.

It's a living room,
and you know Judge Georgie

gets flustered easily.

The only decision I can make
is I'm not coming home

until Diaz court is over.

It's a powdered wig. Get over it.

My ruling is final.

You don't need all those notes.

Just say the big ideas.

One person here will be found guilty.

The other, not guilty.

Thank you.

[Lewie] So you claim you could
not have damaged the car

because you were elsewhere
at the time of the incident.

Where were you?

The attic.

Ah. The attic.

Playing roll-ball, no doubt.

And did you set a high score

that would prove you were
in the attic at the time?

Uh, no.

And why not?

And remember,

you're under oath.

I'm not very good.

[Lewie] What was that?

I'm bad at roll-ball, okay?

The only win I've ever had
was against Deathne.

Yes! Ha!

Sad. The man can only b*at a doll.

I think it's fair to say
he's so bad at roll-ball...

terrible, really...

that it's plausible he spent
hours in the attic

practicing with nothing to show for it,

because he's terrible.

They get it.

Hmm. I remember hearing someone

stomping around up there yesterday.

I guess, based on alibis,
it had to be Ethan.

You're the judge, not a witness.

Look at their faces.

That's a solid alibi.

Even I'm starting to think
he didn't do it.

Me too.

Wish he was my client.

So at the time of the crash,

you were working on this
shoe-dirt knocker-off-er?

Yes, and it's called the Mat-o-Matic.

It's a special doormat
to clean your shoes

before you go in the house.

Objection! Boring!

It'll help the whole family.

Ah. Help...

the whole family.

Is that something a criminal would say?

Objection! Kissing up to the jury.

[dice rattle]

- Four!
- Five!

Six. Overruled.

Yes! I win!

[pants ripping]

That's it?

I partied so hard I blew out my pants.

Not sure what more you want.

Don't you want to mention
how yesterday was the only day

I could've worked on the invention,

which proves my alibi?

Sure, let's hear more about that.

[sighs]

I had to be working on my invention,

because I hadn't even received
the most important part

until that morning.

And I can prove it.

Yes, I signed for your package
yesterday.

House bursting at the seams
with children,

yet never anyone to sign for a delivery.

Anyway, yes, Harley picked up
the package around : a.m.

I told her I was always happy
to help a young inventor.

And just so you know, my purpose in life

isn't to serve as a "storage" center

for your mail order doodads.

So my client could not have
picked up the part at : ,

crashed the car and still had
time to complete her invention.

Yeah! Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

[bangs gavel

Cease and desist on the victory dance.

I'm seeing a little
too much tush back here.

[sighs]

Yes, way too much.

That's a lovely brooch
you have, Miss Peters.

Thank you.

Tell me, were you wearing it

at the time you committed mail fraud?

Excuse me?

In order for you to know
what was in that package,

you would've had to open it.

[Bethany] I would never.

It's against the law
to open someone else's mail.

Oh, dear.

Then I guess you can't say for sure

Harley's invention part
was in that package.

And therefore, you can't say

Harley was working on her invention.

Maybe she was working on something else.

Like, say, video chatting
with your nephew

and smashing the car into the garage?

It's making me uncomfortable
how much Harley's losing.

We need to take a break.

Looks like Lewie's winning streak

isn't going to be ending anytime soon.

It's pretty clear you didn't do it.

And I know you didn't do it either.

When you're lying, you throw
your hands up and walk away.

And you didn't do that.

BFTF. You know me.

But the trial's not going my way,

so I'm just going to plead guilty.

What? No.

Maybe we can get Lewie
to pin it on Rachel.

She's an ocean away, but he's good.

No. One of us has to take the blame.

There's no point in both of us
going to lockdown.

I'll be your character witness,
so Mom and Dad go easy on you.

And they probably will.

After all, my first word was "love."

It was "shoe."

Wow, we do know each other.

Court is back in session.

Also, be advised I'm moving from dice

to One Potato, Two Potato.

No need.

I'm going to end this thing.

[Beast] Wait!

I'd like to call a surprise witness.

I object.

That's our Peeby and Jay car.

Plus, Harley's already had
a surprise witness.

Daphne's been on the razor's
edge of a tantrum all day.

I'm not telling her "no."

[scoffs]

I call to the stand
Captain Sasha Phluff.

Ethan says he was in the attic,

but we all know he records
his music in the car.

According to the time stamp,

a song was uploaded
to our cloud yesterday,

and then deleted right after
our family meeting.

So, Ethan was in the car.

And he tried to cover it up!

You did it,

and you were going to let me
take the blame?

I-I... uh...

I can't believe it.

Turns out the "B" in BFTF
stands for "betrayal."

It's not how it looks.

Really?

Because it looks like
you lied to my face.

And worse, you were going
to let me take the punishment.

Luckily, Phluff was on the case.

And she's one heck of a cop.

I swear, I didn't do it.

Then play the song.

Show us you're not hiding something.

I can't.

And I want to believe you, but I can't.

Harley, look, it's...

Save it for the stand.

You're my next witness.

[sighs]

I swear, I can do this.

I changed my pants and everything.

I'm sorry. But if this goes my way,

you can still do the victory dance.

Shouldn't Beast be asking questions?

The judge is using a meat
tenderizer and rolling dice.

I think the ship has sailed on protocol.

Yeah.

If there's one thing
I know about Ethan Diaz,

it's that he never
deletes a song for good.

No matter how many times we ask him to.

So, I ask that the witness
let us hear that recording.

I can't.

Because he knows
it also contains the sound

of the car smashing into the garage.

I think we all know
who's lying here today.

[sighs]

I rest my case.

The end.

Hey, that was the end, right?

Now it's up to the jury.

Hopefully Mom and Dad
see through Ethan's fake story

faster than I did.

I'm just sorry I couldn't help you more.

Hey, you did your best.

You put on a suit
and blew out the pants.

But no one wants me as their lawyer.

Everyone wants Lewie.

That's not true.

He's the one who always wins.

He has the fancy words, the glasses.

He even b*at me at being born.

Just once, I wanted to save the day.

You can't without proof.

And we had none.

Yeah, it's weird Ethan
would delete a file

when the cloud gets backed up
to Dad's laptop.

What?

It does?

Yeah, Rachel set it up

after I erased her fashion vlogs
by mistake.

That came out fast.

That means the file Ethan deleted

is still on Dad's laptop.

If I find it,
I'll have the evidence I need

to cr*ck this case wide open.

Beast, you did save the day.

Without even meaning to.

Nice!

I'll take you as my lawyer anytime.

Thanks, but I'd rather
be court reporter,

now that I know they get to shred stuff.

[laughs]

Look what I got.

And it's all ours.

I had the delivery guy
meet me at Bethany's.

I was afraid the kids
would smell the egg rolls.

Genius.

I hope another kid
does something wrong soon.

There's an Indian place
that just opened.

- Ooh.
- [cell phone rings]

Hello?

Oh.

You're kidding me.

Ooh, that changes everything.

All right, thanks for letting me know.

Huh. We have our verdict.

I didn't even get to open my chopsticks.

Yes! That's what I'm looking for.

Ethan, you are so going down.

Ugh, how many times
am I going to mess this up?

All right, video invite
to Harley's quince, take nine.

[camera whirring]

Hey, guys. E-man here with
a message about my best friend.

♪ Special rapping invite
Coming your way ♪

♪ We're doing it for Harley
For her quinceañera day ♪

Oh, no.

This is what he didn't want me to hear.

[Daphne] Great, you're back.

Let's end this and eat
the Chinese food Dad snuck in.

Phluff misses nothing.

Where's Harley?

I'm guilty. It was me.

Punish me.

What are you talking about?

Super shocking plea coming your way.

E-man didn't do it.

That's all I got to say.

You found the song.

Not sure what this is,

but we reached a different verdict.

Yeah. Uh...

I got a call from our mechanic.

It turns out the car
has a faulty transmission.

It can slip out of gear
for almost no reason.

[Suzy] That must be why it
rolled into the garage.

No one did it... this time.

So, sorry for suspecting you...
this time.

[sighs]

"Sorry" was a little buried in there.

But thanks.

I just want to take off this itchy wig.

Case closed!

[all cheer]

[Harley] In the case of BFTF v BFTF,

the Diaz family court concludes
a mistrial.

[Ethan on computer] ♪ Special rapping
invite coming your way ♪

♪ We're doing it for Harley
For her quinceañera day ♪

♪ It's gonna be dope
It's gonna be lit ♪

♪ It's for her th birthday
Which is gonna be a hit ♪

♪ She's a schemin', dreamin'
Invention-makin' wiz ♪

♪ Never failed her family
Never failed a quiz ♪

♪ Always working hard
Keeping us together ♪

♪ That's why we celebrate
Regardless of the weather ♪

West th, y'all.
Details in the e-mail below.

Yo. E-Man out.

[all cheer]

That was so good!

[Harley] Life is tricky.

It's not always easy to know
who's on your side.

But even when there's reasonable doubt,

there are some people
you should always believe in.