02x07 - There's No Place To Go But Down

[bunniefuu]

This is bullshit!

- This is a kangaroo court.

- No way.

We got a real judge and everything.

Hey, Judge, get in here.

All rise for me.

- Bane's the judge?

- I promise you'll get a fair shake.

I am unbiased.

Well, he's actually telling the truth, which is really annoying, so I took it upon myself to provide you with Gotham's top litigator.

- Oh, we're so f*cked.

- Let's not judge a lawyer by the fact he's a bat.

The defendants are charged with the m*rder of Oswald Cobblepot and other stuff.

Counselor Man-Bat.

How do your clients plead?

Yeah, we're f*cked.

Theme music playing...

And then, she bit The Penguin's nose off.

- - She bit The Penguin's nose off.

Mm, mm, mm.

Is Harley Quinn who definitely did that in the courtroom today?

Yeah, that's Harley Quinn.

Does anyone speak bat?

I want to sustain or overrule, but it's indecipherable.

For my last witness, I call...

Poison Ivy!

Ooh, and they're friends.

This is going to be saucy.

Yeah.

Ive, blame it all on me, okay?

You had my back no matter what stupid messes I've gotten myself into.

For once, let me be the one who does something for you.

You have a whole life ahead of you, - I mean, you're engaged.

- But you and I are a team.

Ive, please, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you went down for me.

You hate people, is that correct?

- Yes.

- But you don't hate Harley Quinn, do you?

You partnered with her, your only friend and helped her plan and execute the m*rder of the Injustice League.

Yeah, we did it, okay?

We teamed up to k*ll your pathetic asses, 'cause you deserved it and one day, we're gonna finish the job.

Ivy!

Your Honor, given the testimony, I request that you find the defendants guilty on all counts!

I hereby sentence them to life!

In prison, of course.

What the hell are we doing in the sewer?

Smells like sh*t down here.

Wait.

That's me.

My God, I told you three times.

We need to stop Ratcatcher, he's using the tunnels to move weapons across Gotham.

Ratcatcher, right.

Living underground, these criminals have hit rock bottom.

- Gordon, are you drunk?

- I have a high tolerance.

And I have a low tolerance for evasive answers.

"I have a low tolerance for evasive answers." I know what I'm doing, all right?

I was putting away scum while you were filling up your bat diaper with stinky bat doodies.

I've seen this stuff on the dark web.

Okay, I'll circle around and block the exit.

Wait for my signal.

Taking orders from a cheerleader.

I used to be a damn good cop.

Oh!

Aah!

Huh?

Swarm, my children!

Swarm!

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Get it off!

- Oh, come on.

- Thanks.

That's not mine.

Why the hell did you do that, Ive?

Harls, I'm not gonna let you rot in prison while I'm kiting around the world on my honeymoon.

But no one even knows you're kidnapped, you could've led the rescue.

Maybe called it a mini-moon.

Come on, we can break out of Arkham in our sleep.

Uh, the hell is this?

Your new home.

- What the sh*t are you doing here?

- I'm not just a judge.

I am also a warden.

Welcome to he Pena Duro North Correctional and Rehabilitation facility.

Affectionately known as The Pit.

Listen, Bane, we're not going in your dumb hole.

So either free us or k*ll us.

Okay.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, they'll be fine.

I set up padding at the bottom.

Just more dramatic, you know, to see 'em drop like that.

While I was born in darkness, here at Pena Duro North, we're bringing people into the light.

We try to cultivate positive thinking in The Pit.

Teach our guests to redirect aggressive energies like maiming and k*lling into something more productive.

Holy crap, is that k*ller Croc?

See for yourself.

- Waylon.

- Oh, hey, Harley, Ivy.

I was working on a new water color.

I call this one "Reed in the Water." His name is Reed and, uh...

He's in the water, yeah, we get it.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I'm working out my sh*t.

There's a talent show tomorrow to showcase what everyone's been working on.

I'd like you both to participate.

- She'll never do it.

- I won't do it.

Here we are, home sweet home.

You're probably wondering to yourself, "Hey, Bane, why no door?" Because where would you escape to?

You are in a pit!

Oh, my, who caused this catastrophe?

In The Pit, your bed must be made daily.

A tidy room is the key to a tidy mind.

Now, bring it in, bring it in, my darlings.

- Don't f*cking touch me.

- I will m*rder you.

I will see you two in painting class.

Winking, I'm winking.

sh*t, Harls, I mean, how the hell are we gonna get out of here?

I don't know, beanstalk us up.

There's no plants!

There's no plants in sight.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, we're gonna be stuck in here forever.

I mean, who's gonna protect the rainforest?

- Swamp Thing.

- Who'll defend the Great Barrier Reef?

- Aquaman.

- Who's gonna write letters to the network when they're trying to decide whether they should renew Love It or List It?

- Some loser.

- Yeah, exactly, and Kite Man...

What about Kite Man?

I finally find somebody that I actually want to marry and now I can't even do it.

- f*ck!

- Listen, we're gonna escape and you are gonna walk down that aisle.

You're right.

You're right.

We're gonna get out of here.

- Hey, girls.

- Oh, sh*t.

Just dropping off some welcome caps I've knitted.

It gets mighty chilly at night.

Oh, pass the mayo.

So, how'd the crime fighting go?

Eh, it's not working out with Batgirl.

She just doesn't have what it takes, I might have to fly solo.

Dad, we need to talk about your drinking.

Ah, it's great, loosens me up.

Um, okay, this is super hard for me, so I'm just gonna say it.

You are a problematic drinker.

A problematic drinker and former cop turned vigilante.

A person can be two things, or did you not know that?

Trust me, Dad, I know.

Right now, I'm telling you you need to clean yourself up.

Gotham needs you at your best.

I'm at my best.

Always have been, always will be.

If you won't stop drinking for Gotham, do it for me.

It hurts me to see you like this.

Ah.

Oh, Barbara.

- Get down!

- Oh, crap!

Hey, Gordo, I heard you've been playing cop again.

Trying to move in on my weapons sales.

Dent.

Ratcatcher's working for you?

The whole city works for me, hadn't you heard?

New New Gotham is mine.

Ah, you wanna play rough?

I should've k*lled you back at the station months ago.

And tonight, I fix my mistake.

Barbara, we need to...

Barbara?

I would watch the light leave their eyes and know that their last thought was fear.

But now I imagine myself in the bubble of calm and the urge to k*ll goes away.

- Why aren't you clapping?

- Because this is stupid.

Look, Bane, we wanna change.

We really do, but it's just too...

depressing in this very dark, dank pit.

I don't know, maybe if you transfer us to Arkham...

Arkham is for the criminally insane.

The Pit is for the criminally capable.

But I will let you in on a little secret to lift your spirits.

Tomorrow's talent show will have a special guest.

Mr. George Lopez.

Can you believe it?

Yeah, he's choppering down for a ten-minute set.

Mostly new material, but probably some old hits.

Okay, this is how we escape.

I sign up for the talent show...

- Lopez choppers in.

- We watch his hilarious set.

That pokes fun at the idiosyncrasies of a Latino family.

Then I do a tight five that incites a prison riot.

Which pulls the guards away from the chopper...

Wait, sorry, how is standup comedy gonna incite a riot?

I tell a bunch of jokes that piss people off.

Nice.

Right?

You and me are getting on that chopper.

We fly out and you're exchanging "I dos" with Kite Man in no time.

Where are ya hiding, Gordon?

Let's end this real nice and quick.

I got a dental appointment in the early a.m.

Lot of gum work, you know?

Do you hear me, Gordon?

I took your station, I took your city, and now I'm taking your life.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Let's get this over with, Harvey.

Glad you came to your senses.

Better to go out like a man rather than begging like one of those cats that thinks it's a dog.

- Any last words?

- Tell my daughter...

- I love her.

- Tell her yourself.

You and the bat hussy set me up.

I only brought two g*ons.

I thought this was gonna be a two-goon job.

That's on me.

I'll be back.

- Why the hell did you do that?

- What?

What'd you save me for?

You know what I am?

I'm dead weight, yesterday's news.

Dime store sushi.

I'll just get in your way again.

Hey.

Hey!

Ah, there was a swig and a half left.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Why?

You don't need me, Gotham doesn't need me.

My own daughter thinks I'm a joke.

That's not true.

You're a good man, Jim Gordon.

- You inspired me.

- Ha!

Oh, yeah?

Says the girl with bat ears.

Batman's your inspiration.

He inspired my costume.

My dad inspired me.

- Barbara?

- That's right.

I'm Batgirl, Dad.

You're the one that's been protecting Gotham.

That's my girl.

And k*ller Croc, he's so ugly.

- How ugly is he?

- He's so ugly that when I met him, I thought his assh*le was doing the talking.

Hey-oh!

Kind of feels like a low hanging fruit there, but, it'll probably k*ll with these dumb shits.

Harley, I see that you're doing stand up after Lopez.

Whoa, what is this?

You failed to make your bed.

Oh, sh*t, yeah, sorry about that.

Sorry doesn't cut it, I was very clear on the rules.

I cannot play favorites.

Harley may not participate in the talent show.

I'll make my bed, you weirdo.

God.

I wish your wave of enthusiasm had crested earlier.

- Ivy, you have to do my set.

- What?

No.

I can't tell jokes in front of strangers.

Yes, you can, you'll be a riot.

A riot, I need you to start a...

- Stop, yes, I got it.

- Do it, Ivy.

I guess I'm going up after Lopez.

Bold.

This is gonna be easy to break out of.

- There is no door.

- But there is a Cheryl.

Ugh, hi, Cheryl, you're really gonna make me k*ll you to escape?

Well, you can try.

I'm Cheryl.

If she attempts to escape, force her to join the show choir!

Hello.

Ah!

And welcome to the first annual Live from The Pit talent show.

We have a lot of great acts tonight, but first, who wants to see some close-up magic?

And then I said, "From now on, we're home schooling you." So whatever we don't know, you don't know.

Like, when did the Korean w*r start?

I don't know.

And neither do you.

Okay, that's my time.

Thank you, The Pit.

Good night.

sh*t.

This plan is so stupid.

You've got this, Ivy.

Cheryl, listen, I'm getting past you, so either I do and you're alive, or I do and you're not.

What do you say?

Oh, Jesus.

Uh...

Hello.

Uh, I see k*ller Croc is here.

He's so ugly, when we met, I thought his assh*le was talking to me.

Oh, come on, it's a skin condition.

Ah, that's below the belt.

How about Victor Zsasz, okay?

Oh, boy, here we go.

The tally marks on his head make him look like a Peanuts character.

Oh , she's no Lopez.

Hey, you just got Ivy'd.

- You suck!

- I know, right?

I suck.

Blah!

Do you guys wanna riot?

Why?

This is a safe space.

Come on, Zsasz, you're not even like a little pissed off about that?

You just got Ivy'd.

Bleh.

Just start shanking, people.

- People, shank.

- If I could make a constructive criticism.

Your joke directed at me was reference-heavy, and if might, a bit derivative.

What the sh*t is this?

This should not be hard, you guys are K*llers, k*ll each other.

I'm getting to that chopper!

- sh*t!

- sh*t.

Good night, The Pit.

What a bunch of locos.

And after I defeated Riddler, - I knew what I had to do.

- I can't believe it.

I...

You were her!

And she was you while I was me.

Yeah, I even slipped up and called you Dad a few times.

But you were pretty...

Drunk.

Dad, stop.

Are you gonna lend a hand or is Batgirl too cool to help her dad in a montage where we skip past the hard parts of b*ating an alcohol addiction and cut to the part where I'm clean?

Get over here.

Welcome back, Dad.

You're finally home.

No, there's only one place that's home.

The Gotham City Police Department.

But that's Two-Face's lair.

I'm taking it back.

- Wanna know why?

- Why?

'Cause I'm a damn good cop.

So, um, I actually came on stage to start a riot.

- Huh?

- What?

I was gonna use the riot as a diversion to escape on George Lopez's helicopter.

Now that I say it out loud, I realize how stupid it sounds.

I mean, I'm never getting out of here, right?

My entire life I've been cut off from my feelings, you know?

I was living in an emotional pit, but I liked it that way, you know.

'Cause it was safe and secure, and no one ever put a knit hat on me, you know?

I guess that I accepted that being lonely was, you know, was my thing.

And then something happened.

I made friends, I got engaged.

- - Thank you.

I joined the mile high Kite club.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to give you a piece of advice about sex at 10,000 feet.

Don't do it into the wind.

And I was thinking about it, I'm like, was I happy?

I was really happy.

You know, it's like, I crawled out of my emotional pit.

Yeah.

And so then, what happens?

- Where did the universe put me?

- The Pit.

That's right, The Pit.

And no matter how much we change down here.

No matter how many times we make our g*dd*mn bed or pass the talking stick.

We're still stuck in this Pit.

And with Bane of all people.

This guy.

I relate.

Wow, she's got a great point there.

I did all this hard work to get myself out of one pit just to end up in another.

Life's just one big pit that none of us are ever gonna get out of.

One big f*cking inescapable pit.

And that is where we are stuck forever.

Damn, Ivy's right.

We gotta get out of The Pit.

Yeah, come on, guys, we're a talented group, if we work together, we can escape.

Also if you don't chip in, I'll s*ab you.

That was amazing, you spoke from your heart, - you started a riot!

- About 30 seconds too late, let's face it, George Lopez is never coming back, I bet they hardly met his quote.

Harley, I really blew it.

Or maybe not.

- Here's the plan, we go on the roof...

- Blah, blah, blah.

Daddy's got this.

Hey!

You still got this?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah.

All good.

Honey, I'm home.

You get a shiv.

You get a shiv.

You get a shiv.

Hey, Ivy, it's clear you made a breakthrough in The Pit.

How about you come back and continue to work on yourself?

Perhaps a vision board?

- I have some inspo.

- Ah, shove it, Bane.

Yeah, don't take credit for her emotional growth.

f*ck this, I shall rise!

Uh-oh, that's not good.

We're not gonna make it.

Hold on.

No one escapes The Pit!

Damn it, Bane.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

What, are you gonna write me a ticket?

A ticket to hell.

You still doing okay?

Yep.

Ah!

In the soft spot.

What's happening?

I'm back.

That's what.

- - You cannot run from your problems, Harley.

Hate weighs you down.

Only love sets us free.

- Ivy.

- No.

- It's okay.

- Don't, don't do this.

Have a good life, get married, make babies.

Name them Harley.

- The girls and boys.

- Harley?

See?

It totally works.

You know I love you.

Bye, Ive.

Hi!

We did it.