02x08 - Inner (Para) Demons

[bunniefuu]

Mr. President, Jim Gordon, aka Gotham PD Commissioner, aka the Commish, but you can call me Gordo.

Sir, Gotham City is finally ready to...

- Please hold for the President.

- Ah!

Sorry, I thought you were the President.

- No, I'm his secretary.

- Well, yes.

Now that you say it, it makes sense that the President wouldn't answer his own phone.

Just that I don't often hear of a male secretary.

- This is the President.

- Sir, I, on my own, with no help from others, definitely singlehandedly took out the Injustice League.

Gotham City is ready to rejoin the United States.

Gordo...

Can I call you that?

I'd prefer that.

Gordo, according to my intel, there's still one supervillain who is running amok.

Harley Quinn.

Uh...

she's nothing but a polyp up my bunghole.

Irritating?

Sure.

Uncomfortable?

Absolutely.

Horrifying to sexual partners and often times a deal breaker?

Definitely.

But nothing that a doctor-prescribed cream can't take care of.

That is...

a lot of specific knowledge about a**l polyps.

You're talking to an expert.

Look, Gordo, Harley Quinn caused the downfall of Gotham.

She's a menace.

She strikes fear into the heart of the public psyche.

If she's still out there, Gotham isn't safe.

Take care of Harley Quinn and I'll put Gotham back on the map.

I'm coming for you, Quinn.

Harls, if we're going to talk about it, let's just talk about it.

I mean, pssh, if you want to, I guess I could.

Yeah.

That was...

crazy, right?

So, crazy.

I've been thinking a lot, and I think it was...

An impetuous, spur of the moment thing.

- You know?

- Yes.

It was the adrenaline of escaping, you know.

I just think it went to our heads.

- Hundred percent.

- We weren't really thinking.

- You know?

- It's so weird and uncanny how you just said everything I was going to say.

I think we just chalk it up to a crazy moment where something crazy happened.

You know what I mean?

I mean, that's it.

Totally.

Totally!

It was so me!

It was Harley Quinn, always doing crazy things!

Always being impetuous!

Hey!

Always kissing people!

- Muah!

- Ugh!

Disgusting!

You're not my type.

Harley, are you sure you're cool, or...

Yes.

I swear to you.

I'm cool.

I'm just...

We are cool.

Ugh, great!

I'm just glad we're on the same page.

I mean, I'm getting married to Kite Man soon.

- You know, so I gotta focus on that.

- Obvs!

Yeah, I'm super busy, too.

I'm like planning my next move.

So many moves.

All...

Almost too many moves.

Wow, look at that.

I'm actually late to a move planning meeting.

Oh, this is so good.

Harley, I'm just glad we talked about this.

And I would never want anything to mess up our friendship, you know?

Yes, totally.

Yeah, especially not over some kiss that, you know, didn't even mean anything.

So, are you gonna tell Kite Man?

How could you do this to me?

Babe, I'm so sorry.

Look, I meant to call for a reservation and stuff came up.

I said I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't get us a table at Senor Mexico's authentic Mexican adobe house, which is my parents' favorite brunch spot in all of Gotham.

- Babe, you all right?

- Yes.

I'm...

I'm just...

It's...

I've got a lot on my mind right now.

Hey.

I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you.

It's just the first time they're meeting you, and I want them to love you as much as I do, because, no pressure, if they don't love you they won't approve of the wedding, and then they won't come to the wedding!

Honey, I will make sure that they love me.

Because parents always love me.

I mean, not my parents or any other parents.

But the point is for your parents?

Ah!

I'm gonna just blow them away.

God, I love you.

Okay.

So, as we all know, I'm super busy, I'm a crazy busy, busiest I've ever been.

The question is, what am I super busy with?

What's next?

I thought we were gonna chill out and have fun after we took the Injustice League out?

Oh, yeah.

We're gonna have fun.

As I become the world's most feared supervillain!

That's not you.

The gravitas just isn't there.

The gravitas is there!

Harley, first I want to apologize for these pussies!

I, for one, welcome you pushing the evil envelope.

This is what I've dreamed of.

If you want to do some truly evil sh*t, then I'm your guy!

What are your thoughts on k*lling puppies?

Harley, I've come to warn you about my...

- Wait, who are you?

- Um...

Batgirl.

Anyway...

All right.

You know what?

As a community, we should really get together and start coming up with more creative names.

This is bullshit.

Can I just say, I love the stitch work on your costume, girl.

I see you.

Aw, geez, thanks.

Why the hell are you here?

Gordon's coming to take you down.

You are what stands in the way of Gotham rejoining the United States.

And I've come here to warn you because he thinks you're a villain, but I know that you're not.

What?

I'm bad as hell.

Total villain over here!

f*ck, yeah!

That's the Harley I've been waiting for.

Own it, girl!

You did kick the Legion of Doom out of Gotham, k*lled Joker, got rid of the Injustice League.

Those were all heroic things.

This is what we were just saying.

See?

Batgirl gets it.

You want me to melt her mind?

I will melt her mind.

All I'm saying is lay low, and hopefully this'll all blow over.

No time to lay low!

I was just telling Ivy how I am a very busy person, and that's what I am.

So I am going to lay very high, thank you.

Harley, he won't stop until he gets you.

You heard about what he did to Two-Face, and Two-Face had a whole mess of g*ons.

So, what you're saying is I need an army.

No, that's 100% not what I was say...

- You tell Commissioner Gor-dumb...

- Nice!

That I am the baddest bitch in town.

I'm Harley Quinn!

I'm impetuous!

I kiss people at random!

- Muah!

- What's happening?

I am a supervillain, and Gordon better sack up and prepare for an all-out w*r with me and my army.

- Thanks for the heads up.

- No, again, that was 100% not what I was saying...

All right, listen.

New plan.

We are gonna defeat Gordon.

We just need an evil army.

Anyone know how we can get an evil army?

I am rock hard right now!

That's nasty.

Harley, what has gotten into you?

Ever since you and Ivy emerged from Bane's pit, you seem unlike yourself.

Yeah, you never said anything about being a w*rlord.

Plus, where are we going to get an army?

Especially since the g*ons have unionized.

Nothing happened in the pit, and I am absolutely being totally like myself.

And no one is getting in my way.

Not even Gordon.

You know what?

I think I know where we can get an army.

But it's some real deal villain sh*t.

You got to get your hands dirty.

Are you down to do that?

Bitch, please.

I am super down.

This is exactly what I want to do.

I'm Harley Quinn.

I'm impetuous!

I kiss people for no reason.

Muah!

Yeah, you've made that whole kissing thing really clear, Harley.

Hey, sup.

Uh, I don't really care either way, but what're the chances you have a four top?

Four top is restaurant speak for...

A table, for four people.

Thanks.

My little foodie.

Yeah, it's a three-hour wait.

Sorry.

Oh, boy!

Um, babe, those people over there that look like a country club f*cked a yacht club are waving at us.

Charles dear, over here!

Mother, Father, please meet the love of my life, Pamela.

You didn't make a reservation.

- Mother, I am so sorry.

- Oh, God.

I had to have the credit card company concierge read management the riot act and we still got stuck here with the hoi polloi.

Our usual booth was taken.

Oh.

You know what?

Let me talk to the manager.

Good luck to her, I say.

Well, look at that.

A booth just opened up.

Pam, I must say, I like your style.

Well, shall we?

Senorita, can we get four mimosas and an order of your mashed avocado?

Gracias.

And if I don't escape my shackles in five minutes, I will plunge to my death!

Okay.

Where's this army you're promising?

Well, as you all know, I have always had a huge hard-on for world domination.

- Well, that's on brand.

- Just disgusting.

And there is truly only one foolproof way I've found to get it.

That idiot in the technicolor dreamcoat has a device called a "Mother Box" that can create a "Boom Tube." We take the Boom Tube to Apokolips, where Darkseid has a whole shitload of amazing armies.

We kiss Darkseid's ring, pledge fealty, blah blah blah, he gives us an army of flying monkey lizards, and we take out Gotham by supper.

Eff, yes!

I'm an eff maybe...

I find that plan to have many holes.

How would one even procure a Mother's Box?

I am so glad you asked!

Get ready for a BAFTA, because you're gonna be playin' a drunk.

A modern Falstaff!

Perfect.

Company!

Ah!

Oh, villainous, burp, company hath been, burp, the spoil of my...

Shut the f*ck up!

I'm the director.

You stumble onstage and distract security.

You just lost your BAFTA.

Then, while Miracle is chained up, I'm gonna go into his mind, figure out where he keeps the Mother Box and...

- Too late.

- Hey, you're not allowed onstage.

It was just in his dressing room.

So, hold on to your barf bags!

We're going to Apokolips.

Ha!

There goes my new year's resolution to not bite my nails or jump into any inter-dimensional portals.

Whee!

So...

So, then I said, "Did anyone call for kelp?" And then I wrapped Aquaman up in...

Can you guess?

Kelp.

You are a hoot!

Isn't she, Darryl?

Charles is one lucky son of a g*n.

- Hell yeah, I am.

- Charles!

Language!

Well...

But, it's kinda like my catch phrase.

Well, then find a new one!

Yes, ma'am.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go wash my hands before we chow down.

I love you.

Our son getting married was a shock in and of itself, but to find out his fiancee has actual super powers!

Our grandkids are going to have superpowers like us!

Oh, you...

So you guys have superpowers?

Oh, sure.

I can harness the power of cold, and this one has the old gift of flight.

So, you can imagine how disappointed we were when poor Charles was born...

powerless.

Well, he has his kite.

Ugh!

Pamela, we want the best for our grandkids, and that is them having superpowers, not pretending to have them.

And you're the answer to our prayers.

Well...

Good.

This is gonna be the last mustache you ever see, Quinn.

Wow, that is a lot of g*ns.

Or, not enough g*ns.

Dad, I don't think you should go up against Harley.

Oh, that old saw.

Because she's a girl, and boys against girls is unfair.

Um, no.

Because rumor has it she's going to have an army.

Thousands of people might die.

You might die.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

I see what you're saying.

Ugh!

Thank you!

- I need an army!

- No!

That is 100% not what I was saying...

Oh, frick!

Citizens of Gotham!

You're here today because you answered the call.

We have an opportunity to save our beloved Gotham City and get back our rightful place in the United States.

That means clean water, fresh food, and overpriced Internet providers!

But in order to do that, we have to take down the scourge that is Harley Quinn.

- Yes, Harley Quinn.

- All right!

Wait, are you cheering for Harley, or cheering for taking down Harley?

It's gotta be taking down, right?

Okay.

Good.

It was just the way I worded it, it wasn't...

Anyway.

I...

For too long we've allowed villains to run our lives, and they destroyed our beautiful city.

Well, I will not let that stand, and neither will you!

Who's with me?

There was a w*r, vermin.

And I won.

Your future belongs to Darkseid now.

I'm giving your BAFTA to him.

You seek an army, Harley Quinn?

- Um...

- Are you capable of wielding such power?

- Yeah, I...

- The power to take away a people's confusion and replace it with obedience?

- Yes, I...

- To liberate a people and give them one clear purpose.

One goal, to die for your will.

Oh, you're done.

Okay yes, totes to all that stuff.

Let me get that army!

Mr.

Great and Powerful Darkseid.

I sense a great pain in you.

Nope, no pain.

I'm good.

An anger, born from a want.

A want that was not met.

If we could just move on to the...

Are you trying to fill an empty hole in your life, Harley Quinn?

What is this guy, my therapist?

There are some holes that not even an army of Parademons can fill.

Definitely not.

All my holes are filled up to the brim.

Nothing?

Really?

Look, I'm just here for that army.

So, you know, what's the haps on that?

The dwarf did not tell you?

Okay, I may have come up here at a different time to ask for an army.

- I didn't mention that?

- No!

And I am a very active listener.

You must prove yourself to me.

He was too cowardly to do so.

The task is simple.

Defeat Granny Goodness in combat, and I will give her scepter to you, which you will use to command the Parademons.

So, I just gotta b*at up an old lady and I get an army?

I can do that.

Prepare to die!

And this is why I got cold feet.

You got this, Quinn.

Ah!

I promised myself I'd never k*ll an old person.

I'd let the American healthcare system do that.

But we need to get Harley's back.

I fear Darkseid clearly laid out the rules.

If she doesn't do it herself, she does not get the army.

Don't worry, she's gonna do it herself.

You fools!

You thought some little girl could defeat me?

Now get ready for some cookies, milk, and a lifetime of t*rture in Granny's dungeon.

Prepare to die.

Yes, still got it!

Where am I?

Did I do it?

Yes, Harley Quinn, you defeated Granny Goodness.

Yeah, you did.

Huzzah!

Harley!

You are a hero!

It was so smart of her to play possum like that.

You think she unconsciously flew through the air, idiots?

Rise, Harley Quinn, commander of my Parademon army.

Aw!

Thanks, D-Train.

Uh, Lord, sir.

All right!

Y'all ready to hand Gordon his ass and show him once and for all that Harley Quinn is Gotham's true boss and the baddest villain of all?

Yes.

Yes!

f*ck, yes!

I mean, I did this, but also f*ck, yes!

Boomtube us home, psycho!

I have to be honest, I am very scared about this whole thing.

As am I.

You can't tell, but I've clayed myself.

Whoa.

Babe, you wanna get frisky right here?

What about the 'rents?

Why do you let your parents treat you like sh*t?

What am I supposed to do?

They're my parents.

Let's do this again next week, Ivy, darling.

Don't worry, I already made a reservation, so Charles needn't cloud his mind with simple tasks.

You know what?

- f*ck you guys.

- Beg your pardon?

Yeah, I said, f*ck you.

Because first of all, I'm the one who messed up the g*dd*mn reservation, okay.

Chuck asked me several times not to forget, because for some reason he cares about you two.

And then, he took the heat for it because he cares about me, and for some reason, what you two think about me.

So, yeah!

He's a kind, loving, supportive partner.

And the only miracle here is that you two ghouls somehow raised him.

And another thing, he's not lucky to have me, I'm lucky to have him!

So, f*ck off!

Hell!

Yeah!

See you at the wedding?

Oh, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on.

Is that a Boom Tube?

Uh.

Sorry, just got excited and...

No baby, not that.

- That!

- Looks like it's over the Dead Mall.

Hang on, wait, which way...

That's east...

No, it is.

Oh, my God!

Harley!

Dad, you don't have to do this.

If saving Gotham means I have to g*n down another lady clown, then so be it.

Wait.

What do you mean another...

Oh!

Probably be best if you turn around your merry band of meatbags.

And why the hell would I do that?

Gordo, I have a flying army from a hell planet under my control.

Well, I made my decision!

And I never back down from my decisions.

It's a terrible quality that has ruined most of my personal relationships, so bring it!

It's your funeral, old man.

- Uh-uh, it's yours.

- Don't think so.

Well, I do think so.

Feels like you're overcompensating for something.

Why is everybody up my ass about that?

Nothing happened!

This is just my Wednesday, bitch.

- Not buying it.

- I don't give a sh*t!

f*ck, yes!

My God!

Gaping sphincter in the sky.

I'm coming!

Tanks, now!

Uh-oh.

Ah!

Harley!

What the hell is going on here?

Yeah, while you were out gettin' brunch, I was b*ating up an old lady to get a Parademon army from another galaxy.

You b*at up an old lady?

She was super jacked!

And now I'm gonna take over all of Gotham!

So what, you really just want k*ll thousands of people just because?

Because I'm Harley f*cking Quinn!

I'm always doing crazy things!

Always being impetuous, you know?

Always kissing people and sh*t!

This is just my Wednesday.

Yeah.

It's actually Thursday.

Anyway, look.

You know me, I mean, I'm ride or die, but...

I mean, is this really the ride you envisioned?

Uh, not exactly.

What's the endgame?

What do you really want?

What the hell are you doing?

No!

The city's yours, Gordo.

I know what I want, and it's not this.

We were gonna take over the f*cking world and you're squandering it all!

Ow!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, I should have known this was too good to be true.

You got no balls, Quinn.

f*ck this!

See you back at home?

No!

I'm out of the crew.

I f*cking quit.

See you never.

This mean I won?

I won!

This is why you don't back down, people!

Look, I can explain the whole Game of Thrones Khaleesi thing okay.

All...

All this has just been me avoiding something that I need to talk to you about and if I don't do it now, it will be too late.

Look, if you really need to say it, just...

Harley!

Cool Parademons.

Hey!

Did Ivy tell you what she just did?

How she's the coolest, hottest fiancee a regular guy with superpowers like me could ever ask for?

Well, I mean, I wasn't just gonna sit there and watch your parents be assholes to the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Mmm!

Oh, buddy!

Those Parademons are dry humping a taco truck.

I'm gonna go snap a pic for Insta.

Ah, man.

I love that idiot.

- What were you gonna tell me, Harls?

- Um...

We need to talk about...

What you wanna do for your bachelorette party!

Really?

That's what you wanted to tell me?

Yeah!