02x12 - Lovers' Quarrel

[bunniefuu]

- I am going to k*ll you.

What?

I haven't even said the stuff yet that might piss you off.

[GASPS, YELLS]

- Ivy!

- [JOKER SIGHS]

v*olence was the hallmark of our relationship, too.

Beth, you craving Thai or Italian?

Hey!

I don't know what I did!

I'm sure it's somethin'.

Let's just hash this out like adults.

[GASPS, SQUEALS]

[KITE MAN]

I gotcha!

So, missed you at the dress fitting.

Kite Man, what the f*ck is happenin'?

- Also, hand.

- Uh...

Oh, oh!

Sorry.

- [PARADEMON SCREECHING]

- Uh, turns out Dr.

Psycho is now, like, all-powerful, and has my forever babe mind controlled.

[GROANS]

Well, we won't need to worry about Psycho after I k*ll him.

Oh, thank God!

She's the love of my life, and the wedding is tomorrow.

The wedding's happening, okay?

You didn't buy that tux for nothin'.

I didn't buy it at all.

It's a rental.

Jesus, you are a grown man.

Just buy it, you're gonna use it.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

- [PARADEMONS SNARLING]

- [BATMAN GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

One nest of Parademons, coming right up!

Okay, that wasn't to anybody.

[SUPERMAN GRUNTS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

I'll ask you this once.

Where is Dr.

Psycho?

[SCREECHES]

Oh, what?

Because I'm an alien, I understand all alien languages?

Okay.

I know a little Parademon, but it's still a r*cist assumption.

Be better.

[DR. PSYCHO AND RIDDLER LAUGHING]

Do the fish guy, do him.

[LAUGHS]

God!

You're like Jaws if all ya ate was fat people.

Okay, what's your most embarrassing moment?

[GASPS]

I thought we were friends, or at least coworkers with a begrudging professional respect.

Nanaue, play nice with your brother.

[YOUNG SHARK STRUGGLING, GRUNTING]

[WHIMPERS]

[SNIFFS]

Blood!

- [YOUNG SHARK SCREAMS]

- [BONES CRUNCHING]

No!

What are you doing?

That's your brother!

My lord!

You devoured your kin like an amuse-bouche!

Holy hell!

I thought we were gonna see you crap your pants, but that is dark, man.

Have you procured the head of Harley Quinn?

Funny you should ask.

I am procuring as we speak.

Any minute now, her head is gonna come rolling through the door like a bowling ball with a bad dye job.

Ahem!

Sorry to interrupt.

Um, apparently, Batman and his super friends destroyed the Parademons, and are, um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

- ... are coming here.

- f*ck!

You express fear and displeasure.

No!

Everything's fine.

That was a happy "f*ck".

It's a great word.

You can use it many different ways.

Like "f*ck, yeah!" or, "Let's f*ck".

Harley Quinn swore an oath to me and failed.

Now you have sworn the same oath.

I shall appear at nightfall to collect someone's head.

It is your choice whose.

No problem, no biggie!

Now, is that my nightfall or where you are?

'Cause time zones across planets and dimensions are like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...

okay.

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

You've stepped in it now, Psycho.

A big, fresh wet one!

♪ The Justice League to the rescue! ♪

Huzzah!

No way that helmet's powerful enough to control Superman's funky alien brain.

♪ The Justice League comes to get us ♪

♪ Free us all ♪

[CONTINUES VOCALIZING]

He might be right.

If the Justice League reach the mall, uh, game over.

Shut up, Debbie Downer, it's not game over.

It's game on!

Ha!

We got a new plan.

We're gonna k*ll Harley Quinn, but first we gotta k*ll the heroes.

k*ll the heroes, k*ll Harley, rule Earth!

Welcome to the old Kite-tress of solitude.

Sorry about the mess.

My, uh, roommate leaves stuff everywhere.

Psycho, that little sh*t.

Puts on a magic yarmulke and now, he's doin' Jedi mind tricks?

We need to destroy that helmet.

Uh, just a little caveat there.

Uh, we can't get close or he'll put our domes through the brain-washing spin cycle.

I know.

He did the same thing to Clayface and King Shark.

The second they... Sy.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Sigh is right.

For my lady love hath been led astray.

Not "sigh", dummy.

Sy.

Sy Borgman.

Sy wasn't affected by Psycho's mind control.

He was immune.

What the hell made you so special, Sy?

[YELPS]

Zombie eye, zombie eye!

Wait, wait!

My kite senses are fluttering.

It's Morse Code!

- You know Morse Code?

- Of course!

Sailors and kiters use signal lamps to transmit Morse Code without being detected.

I still sometimes can't get over the fact Ivy has sex with you.

[SUGGESTIVELY]

Oh, she does.

Look, the eye is saying...

Plug... me... in.

What does it mean?

Ta-da!

Oh, well, okay, right.

Sy, you're a zombie robot ghost!

N-n-n-none, none of the above, baby!

I just got a classic case of the human consciousness- transferred-into-the-machine-itis.

There was a whole chapter on it in my robot b-b-b-body handbook I didn't read.

Sy, we don't have a lot of time.

Listen, why weren't you affected by Psycho's mind control?

Because the C-C-C-Commies!

CIA wanted to make sure the Ruskies didn't flip me into a Manchurian candidate and/or president of the United States.

They used cutting-edge t-t-technology to create an anti-mind control device and jammed it in my n-n-n-noggin.

Can you tell us how to make that device?

Sure!

Easy-p-p-peasy on my metal neezy.

- Oh, thank God!

- We're coming, Ivy.

[SY]

All you need is magnetic coating - from a floppy disk...

- Huh.

- The photodiodes of a VHS tape...

- [GROANS]

And an -track recording of The Monkees' D-D-D-Daydream Believer.

Say we couldn't get those things...

[SY]

Well, then, it's gonna take a little elbow grease.

[INDISTINCT ROARING]

Oh, my God!

Superman's gonna k*ll Ivy!

Wasn't he trapped in a book?

- Who let Superman out of the book?

- [DISAPPOINTED SIGH]

[RIDDLER]

Are you sure you've got this?

I mean, there's still time to flee.

You've seen these calves.

Stop showing me your weird turkey leg calves.

I'm not gonna f*ck you.

If you wanna go, go.

But don't show up tomorrow when this is over and still expect me to let you rule Scandinavia.

I know you got a type.

Fine, fine, I'll stay.

Ah!

It's just so pretty there.

Everything looks like a fairy tale.

- [DR. PSYCHO]

Mmm.

- Ow! God!

Ivy, stand down.

[WONDER WOMAN AND SUPERMAN GRUNT]

Still got it, baby.

Hey...

I know I'm more of a wordplay guy, but, mathematically, I don't like your odds.

Don't get your onesie in a wad.

I got a couple of things up my sleeve.

Two very short arms?

God damn it, I was trying to think of a really cool Wesley Snipes-style one liner - and you had to go...

- Wesley Snipes?

When's the last time you saw a f*cking movie?

Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Dr.

Psycho's mind control.

So I give you this warning.

I, Kal-El, do say...

We don't want to have to take you out but if you don't give us another option, we will.

That's what he was getting to.

Don't worry, the shark hates v*olence and the lump of clay is harmless.

[YELLS]

Blood!

Okay, I did not, uh... yeah.

Uh.

Come on, come on!

I'm Kite Man!

Not Soldering Man!

I know Soldering Man, but he's in Milwaukee.

No, I said connect the thingamajig to the w-w-what's-ya-call-it, not the whose-it-what's-it!

I don't know how to do this!

Kites are electricity-free.

I went to Oberlin!

Well, unless you figure it out, the person I love - is gonna die!

- What?

As a friend.

The friend I love, as a friend, is gonna die!

Okay, 'cause that sounded intense.

I'm Harley Quinn, I'm impetuous, I kiss people.

Muah!

Oh-ho!

Hoochie mama!

What is happening?

Okay.

You know what?

I can't wait around until you graduate from DeVry!

I'm goin' to save Ivy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that is a sophisticated piece of cloth and wood.

It took years of training with my sen...

And she is soaring majestically.

- [ROARING]

- [BATMAN GRUNTS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

[KING SHARK GRUNTS]

[SUPERMAN STRAINING]

Get off me, you angry dolphin.

Get off me!

- [GLASS SHATTERING]

- [METAL CRUNCHING]

- [WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

- [POISON IVY EXCLAIMS]

Wait, wait!

Did I tell you?

Ivy and I basically spent her whole bachelorette party saving Themyscira from Lex Luthor?

Clear the area, clown.

Otherwise, I can't be responsible for your safety.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[PANTS]

Damn it, Harley!

[KING SHARK SNIFFING]

Blood!

[KING SHARK GROWLS]

[WONDER WOMAN GRUNTS]

[BATMAN GROANING]

Harley!

Are you shittin' me, Clayface?

You could change into this at any time and chose ditzy co-eds and divorcees?

[CLAYFACE ROARS]

[SUPERMAN GRUNTS]

You realize the Man of Steel isn't just a clever nickname, right?

Ive, you gotta snap out of it or they're gonna k*ll...

[YELPS]

- [SUPERMAN GRUNTS]

- [POISON IVY SCREAMS]

[HARLEY]

Ugh.

Homeboy's gotta upgrade to jet pack or somethin'.

[CLAYFACE ROARING]

[KING SHARK ROARING]

[KING SHARK ROARING]

[KING SHARK YELPS, GRUNTS]

- [ROARS]

- [METAL CLANGS]

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

[CLAYFACE ROARING]

[BEEPING]

[CLAYFACE ROARS]

[SNAPS]

[GRUNTS]

Ive, there you are.

Oh, wow, you rocked Superman.

Anyway, listen, I know the real you is in there somewhere.

Well, that's new.

[HARLEY SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

I guess Poison Ivy should've...

hedged her bet.

Hmm.

[GRAPPLE g*n f*ring]

Okie d-d-d-dokie, that should do it.

Give her a whirl, Mr.

Kite Man.

[DEVICE WHIRRS, BEEPS]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

- [KITE MAN GRUNTS]

- Sy?

- [STATIC]

Oh, frick, I k*lled him.

[SY]

No way, Jose!

Synet is online!

Where are you?

[SY]

Hey.

Let's build this anti-mind-control device and then if there's time, we'll make some fresh pasta.

Hell, yeah!

[HARLEY]

Oh, great!

g*ng's all here.

We don't need to settle this with v*olence.

You know...

Hmm.

That's a personal first.

Quinn's right. Wayne Tower has seen enough damage.

And I believe a metahuman battle falls outside Mr. Wayne's insurance coverage.

He's a friend, I'm just saying.

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

[POISON IVY GRUNTS]

Bats, you got her all tied up.

Leave her alone and go stop Psycho.

I'm sorry, Harley.

She's too dangerous.

She needs to be taken down.

She could escape and k*ll thousands before Dr. Psycho is neutralized.

I can't let you k*ll her.

I love her more than anything in this whole world.

I'm not gonna k*ll her.

I'm just gonna put her in the phantom zone where she'll rest for all of eternity.

Then, send me there, too!

Uh, all right.

Wow, this is so dramatic.

It's like a CW show, if the cast was less hot.

Yeah, you guys are right.

Ivy's too dangerous to...

To be left alive.

You should have k*lled her when you had the chance.

Because now?

You're right where I want you.

[WONDER WOMAN GASPS, COUGHS]

[GASPS]

Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.

- What?

- Batman, are those pecs real or is it just the suit?

[CHUCKLES PLAYFULLY]

Gross.

These pecs are definitely real.

Give them a grab.

Don't be shy.

Oh, gross.

Did you just spray them with Ivy's love pheromones?

Maybe we should see what's under these costumes.

[WONDER WOMAN CHUCKLES]

Or not.

A lot of not.

Please, not!

[SUPERMAN LAUGHS]

You know I can see through that, right?

[GASPS, YELPS]

[DISTANT WHISTLING]

[RIDDLER AND DR. PSYCHO LAUGHING]

Yes!

The heroes are defeated!

Ivy's bringing me Harley, my ramen takeout's almost here, and the Earth is about to be mine!

I'm the most powerful person on the f*cking planet!

[DR. PSYCHO]

Ahhh!

I've returned to collect what is owed to me.

Where is Harley Quinn?

[DR. PSYCHO]

Yeah.

So, it's mostly gadgets like drones and scented alarm clocks.

The kind of stuff you find in the sky mall.

And who is Orange Julius?

[RIDDLER LAUGHS]

- She's here.

- See?

Harley Quinn, as promised.

Psycho, release me, you tiny, giant assh*le!

Shut up.

k*ll her now and I shall call forth the armies of Apokolips to enslave this planet as we agreed upon.

Choose not to and it's your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Cool your jets, Big D.

I have been thinking about something, I'm more than just a "rule Earth" kind of guy, all right?

I could rule solar systems for you, g*dd*mn galaxies.

[CHUCKLES]

Unlikely.

Listen, I get it, I get it.

You probably think I'm just a run-of-the-mill supervillain but I got that charisma, that je ne sais quoi that you're looking for in a right-hand man.

Let me show ya.

I'm about to do something epic!

- Explain.

- [DEVICE BEEPS]

You see the living weed over there?

That right there is Poison Ivy.

Let me give you some backstory.

Harley, I made the anti-mind control device.

Well, actually Sy turned into a cake mixer and he made it...

It's kind of a funny story...

that we don't have time for.

We only had materials for two of these bad boys.

Put the other in Ivy's ear if my plan doesn't work.

This is the plan.

What the hell is your plan?

True love.

Pamela Isley.

It's me.

Chuck.

What is a "Chuck"?

Ivy, I'm your fiancé.

Your soulmate.

I believe our love is so powerful, that when I kiss you, it will break Psycho's spell.

Because true love conquers all.

[GRUNTS]

As I was saying, Ivy and Harley are best friends.

So it's gonna be very poetic when Harley is k*lled not only by her friend...

but her secret lover!

You know?

Of course I f*cking know!

You think I'm going to mind control Ivy and not read her mind?

You don't buy a Ferrari and leave it in the garage!

We are not secret lovers!

It was a couple times and it was amazing and Ivy broke it off and I'm totally cool with it!

Enough!

Stop trying to lower the stakes.

Hey.

Pitting two lovers against each other, like I said, epic.

I am mildly intrigued by evil usurping love.

Oh, look at the big words on Darkseid.

Someone did well on their SATs.

Ive, we love each other too much to do this!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Don't make me hurt you.

[GRUNTING]

Okay, don't make me hurt you again.

- [GRUNTS]

- [BAT CLATTERS]

[STRAINING, GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

Isn't this great?

Friends fighting to the death.

I mean, this is the stuff that gets you off, right?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[HARLEY STRAINING]

- [GRUNTS]

- [DEVICE CLATTERS]

Yes!

k*ll her!

k*ll Harley!

[STRAINING]

Here...

goes...

true...

love...

Okay!

Mr. Johnson's up!

Girl on girl.

So hot.

Holy sh*t.

True love worked.

What are you, ?

Psycho, focus.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Focus!

Fine.

I command you to k*ll Harley Quinn.

[GRUNTING]

Uh, come on!

And I command you to ess my vee.

"Ess my vee"?

[DR.

PSYCHO GRUNTS]

What the f*ck?

[GROANS]

What the hell is going on?

Guess you ain't as strong as you thought, Psycho.

You're not an A-lister.

Just a goon with delusions of grandeur.

Have you failed me, human?

No!

You think I need Ivy to k*ll her?

Come on.

I'll k*ll both of 'em.

I am an all-powerful man!

- Come and get me!

- [BOTH]

Sure.

- [DR. PSYCHO GRUNTS]

- [OBJECTS CLATTER]

You're not all-powerful, douchebag.

You're just a loser who puts on a hat to look cool.

Basically, everyone on Tinder.

Yeah a lot of hats on Tinder.

- A lot of hats.

- Oh!

Oh!

It's good to have my very bitter friend back.

It's over for ya, buddy!

[GRUNTS]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

- [DR. PSYCHO GROANS]

Harley Quinn!

[NERVOUSLY]

Hi, Mr. Darkseid, sir.

I'm really sorry about bringing those Parademons to Earth and not using them.

See, I was doing it for the wrong reasons and...

You have proved yourself even more formidable than I thought.

- The deal stands.

- "The deal"?

On your command...

- [DEVICE BEEPS]

- ... my armies shall spring forth and enslave the planet.

The Earth is yours, Harley Quinn.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Psycho, the creep that he is, he was right.

I don't wanna rule Earth on a throne of skulls.

I'm not a real supervillain.

Hell, I'm not sure I'm even a bad guy anymore.

All I've been doing is reacting.

Getting in the Legion of Doom to show up Joker.

Stopping the Injustice League to get revenge.

It's 'cause, deep inside, I didn't know what I really wanted, until now.

Your indecision baffles and angers me.

For this, I shall return one day and terraform your planet into a scrapyard.

Well, that seems ominous.

All right, pop back in your Boom Tube.

Darkseid is...

leaving.

Ivy, you call me out on all my bullshit, but you don't judge me for it.

We have fun whether we're sitting on the couch or murdering a group of investment bankers.

You showed me what the best version of myself could be and you held me to it.

I'm in love with you.

I want to be with you.

And, yes, it might be messy.

It might not work.

It might even destroy our friendship forever.

But love is a risk.

I'd rather risk our friendship than pretend these feelings aren't real.

You just, you don't give up on love.

Take a risk, take a leap of faith, and be with me.

[KITE MAN GROANS]

Hey, did my kiss work?

Where am I?

[DR. PSYCHO LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

We're laughing?

Are we friends again?

What is so funny?

Aw, man, I hate missing inside jokes!

Oh, don't worry, I'll tell you.

[DR. PSYCHO SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[POISON IVY AND HARLEY MOANING]

Whoa!

Oh, this is gonna affect the crew dynamic in a messy and complicated manner.

I already had a feeling.

The tension was palpable.

[LAUGHS]

She's still limber.

[DR. PSYCHO GRUNTING]

Ooh!

I need a cigarette.

[GROANS]

Um...