05x13 - Mindy's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

Guys, cancel all your plans forever.

Alayna, my best friend
from grade school,

is coming to town because she's deciding

whether or not
she wants to live in New York.

When's the last time you saw each other?

Sixth grade. That's when
her bitch mom made her

move to Germany,
but we've kept in touch.

You know, she sends me
German chocolates.

I send her selfies of me eating them.

Oh, yeah. You send those to me, too.

And me. What's your friend like?

Lindsay, she is so cool and fun.

Anyway, I was thinking
of throwing this kind of

swanky cocktail party
so she can meet a guy.

Wait a second, you're from New Jersey.

Do you know Bruce Springsteen?

- Is he single?
- Mindy, I collect comic books.

I know tons of single guys.

No. I will not have nerds in this house.

- Whoa.
- I will not expose

my son to that. In fact, it's crazy

that your daughter is this cool.

[laughter]

- [knocking]
- Hey, I figured

I would just pop in and ask.
What can I bring?

To me? Right now?
Well, I had a huge lunch, but...

I'm sorry, I was talking
about what can I bring

- to your party?
- Oh, the usual.

A bucket, a mop, some rags.
Show up the next morning,

- at : a. m., don't wake me up...
- No, no no.

Ben invited me to your party.

As, like, a human guest.

Ben invited you to
my fancy dinner party?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, cool.

It was a very selective
guest list, but...

And I gotta tell you
this much, I'm very much

looking forward to meeting
your friend from Europe.

European women love me.

Eastern European women love me
because I smell like cabbage.

Which we've discussed.

Okay, no offense, Morgan,
but I'm having this party

to introduce Alayna to,
like, a certain type of guy,

and I don't know, I just
think don't think you're her...

actually, I don't think you're any type.

Yeah, no, I get it.
But forget about Alayna, okay?

I gotta tell you, I'm gonna be
the perfect party guest.

Grab a little bit of food,
talk about religion

and politics and people's salaries,

how old everyone is,
you know what I mean?

Don't worry, okay?
I'm not gonna embarrass you.

- What time?
- : .

Hey, I'll see you at : .

Oh! That hit my penis, John.

Ah, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

[music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Karen, you gotta stop hovering.

This is not helping
the perception around the office

- that you're weird.
- Sorry, Tamra,

but I saw something, and according to

the posters in the subway,
I need to say something.

I told you, the Elmo
in Times Square isn't real.

- There's a man inside.
- See, you nurses

are so much better at gossip than I am.

So far, I've only told one
person, the photo in my locket,

Aunt Maureen, and she was speechless.

Well, what'd you see?

I was in the Diamond District,
checking alleys

- to find a dice game.
- Okay, stop.

Good gossip isn't about the gossiper.

It's about the four W's:

Who, what, where, and whoa.

Okay, well,

I think I saw Dr. L's boyfriend, Ben,

in a diamond store and it looked like

he was buying something.

Whoa.

So is that good gossip?

I said, "Whoa," didn't I?

Wow, I can't believe that
Dr. L's done it again.

She got another guy ready to
propose to her and meanwhile

poor Taylor Swift's
withering on the vine.

Benjamin U*i Miller.

Hey, you just can't make up
a Jewish middle name

- when you're mad at me.
- Why did you invite Morgan

- to my party?
- You said I can

invite a friend.

Wait, he's your friend, too.

Oh, Ben. Poor, poor, sweet Ben.

- What?
- Obviously, I meant, like,

a cool, sexy friend.

Like the hot teenager
who mows your lawn.

You guys are acting like
Morgan isn't human.

Oh, look, we all love Morgan.

He's like a big, sloppy ice
cream sundae.

Every part of it is good,
but it gets you all sticky

and sometimes it makes you
sick to your stomach.

Listen to this.
This is wisdom from the ancient.

Well, I don't know about that.

Certain types of parties call
for certain types of guests.

I wouldn't expect to be invite
to, say, a bris.

Or that candle Christmas y'all have.

- No.
- It's such a good point.

This is a very elegant affair
for my sophisticated friend.

I don't need Morgan there.

Do you wanna know how elegant it is?

I put a bowl of seashells in my crapper.

Okay, look, there's no reason
Morgan shouldn't be invited.

He does everything for you.

He works for you, he Tweets for you,

he tricks you into taking your pills.

Oh, which reminds me, I have
to take my birth control cheese.

See?

Ok, well, he's been invited.

So there's nothing we can do now.

Thanks a lot. Let's go.

Duh.

- Oh, Ben, there you are.
- Hey.

Heard the news, and I gotta tell you,

even though it's probably
none of my business,

I think you're making
a terrible mistake.

Oh, yeah, that.

Listen, for a life-size
Darth Vader statue,

it's actually a pretty good deal.

It says five lines from the movie.

No, you dope.

I heard you were getting hitched.

Another victim of the con.

What? I'm not getting engaged.

Where did you hear that?

Page Six.

Ha, just joking.

Why would they even cover that?

No, someone at Shulman's told me.

Alayna, how was Germany?

You know, I really respect
their culture.

I'm a huge David Hasselhoff fan.

Well, Berlin is great, but I am so glad

to be back in the States.

Like, I'm tired of electronica
and club dr*gs.

I wanna get back to my roots...
Hip-hop and club dr*gs.

Well, you're gonna
really love Manhattan.

In a way, it's like
its own little island.

Yeah, New York's getting
cool again now that DeBlasio

is letting it go to crap.

And I just pray the racial
tensions get high enough

to produce some white flight
so I can get an apartment.

Well, I brought some really
cute, single guys here.

And the good kind.
Not ones, like, strapped down

with annoying little kids.

- Go meet them, go meet them.
- Okay.

So, what's going on at Shulman?

Any hot goss?
Things I would be interested in

or find personally relatable?

Okay, I see you've heard.

Yes, it's true, I went on
a date with Huma Abedin.

She said I was the worst guy
she'd ever met.

Can you imagine that?

That's it? No other relationship news?

Births, deaths, engagements?

Oh, my God, of course. I can't
believe I didn't tell you.

My bird, Roger, laid an egg.
It was a big surprise.

That's awesome. I'm gonna get a drink.

That's a...

Jeremy?

Hi. Have you met my friend Alayna?

She was in Germany for a very long time.

And Jeremy is from jolly old England,

so I think you guys probably have

a lot of castles you could discuss.

Well, actually, our castle
was seized by the crown

because of our cowardice
during World w*r II.

It's now a home for the insane.

So nothing much has changed.
[all laughing]

Talk about something else.
Something better.

Oh, okay. Well this morning,
I had a pedicure.

Next stop, sandal shopping.

[laughs]

I don't think we're clicking.

Oh, okay. I got something for you.

Hey, Jody, hey. I want you to meet

my beautiful, intelligent
friend, Alayna.

- Oh, charmed, charmed.
- She has not

lived in America for ten years.

Ten years? Oh, my. Let me catch you up.

We no longer go to space,
anything can marry anything,

and it's illegal to be a white man.

There are some good TV shows, though.

Well, I'm gonna grab a drink.

And please don't follow me.

Bye.

Hey, guys. I am appalled.

You're both such a waste of handsome.

Hey, listen, I think
your friend is into me.

Maybe I could invite her to
my harpsichord recital.

Oh, Alayna, please don't leave.

I am so sorry that you've talked
to so many losers tonight.

I wanna introduce you to my trainer.

I just am not sure that I will
be able to recognize him.

No, Mindy, I actually met
someone who is so great.

So we're just gonna slip out
and take a little walk.

And who knows? Maybe end up
at my hotel room.

Ooh, delicioso.

Who is it? Jody?

Jeremy? Cory Booker?
I can't believe he came.

I guess anything to get out
of Newark, huh?

No, it's none of those guys.
This guy is... [exhales]

Whoa. I'm dying to meet him.

Hey, your party is amazing, by the way.

I've been here for two hours,

and I have not spilled one thing.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh, God, no, there you go.

Okay, Morgan, can you
just give us a second?

My friend is telling me
about this hot guy

she's gonna take home.

Great party, Mindy. I had so much fun.

Ready? Let's go!

- Uh, bye!
- [both laughing]

Hey, listen, don't worry.
I'm gonna treat your friend

with the utmost respect.

Also I messed up the toilet.

No one can go in there,
seriously, look, it's sick...

I gotta go. Bye!

[door closes]

You know, that Cory Booker
fellow was nice.

Maybe I'll shave my head.

I did not invite you to the
party to talk to Cory Booker.

All right? You were there
to hit on my friend.

And what did you do? Nothing.
You were as charismatic

as my dad talking to a family
at a cruise.

I'm sorry. I'm off my game.

I switched from bourbon to rye,
for health reasons.

Whole grain, you know. And it is
just throwing everything off.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Where's Morgan with my breakfast?

Good morning!

So sorry I'm late. Personal apology.

I was just on my way to work
and I ran into Alayna

in the lobby of her hotel.

Where we had sex.

- Oh.
- Hey, I know for some of you

it may be uncomfortable for me
to talk about

this kinda of stuff.
But what am I supposed to do?

Not announce it?

Look, I know how you have sex.
It's nothing to brag about.

- Mm, mm-hmm.
- Mindy, I wanna thank you

for such a great party last night.

Oh, and Morgan suggested that we
go on a little double date.

- Yeah.
- What do you think?

- That'd be fun, right?
- You wanna see him again?

Blink once if you're in danger.

Mindy, you're so funny.

Morgan is so different from German guys.

I mean, his English isn't as good,

but he's happy, he's non-judgmental,

- and, boy, is he circumcised.
- Okay.

Come on, we asked Ben, he's in. Please?

- Please?
- He said yes?

- Yes.
- Oh, he's in, baby.

Okay. For you, Alayna, sure.

both: Yeah!

That means I get another night with you.

- Mm.
- Oh.

- Mm, mm, mm...
- No, you just buck up.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- And buy some more condoms.

Yes, just need some cash.

[slurps]

- Oh!
- Bye, Min!

Bye.

- Hey, Ben!
- Hey.

- both: Hey, Ben!
- Hey, what's up?

- What's up?
- What you doing in here?

You looking for someone maybe
to choreograph a romantic

flash mob for a specific reason?

Or someone who's a licensed sky writer

with her own plane?

So it was you who's been
running around gossiping

that I'm gonna propose to Mindy.

You don't know it was us.

- How'd you know it was us?
- Dude, it's not gossip.

Karen saw you at the jewelry store.

And I have great eyesight,
'cause all I eat is carrots.

Well, you're wrong, because
what I was actually doing

was selling my wedding ring
from my first marriage.

Oh, damn. That's not gossip at all.

That's just a sad transaction.

How much did you get for it?

Hey, this is messed up, okay?

If Mindy finds out about this
she's gonna freak out.

We haven't even talked
about marriage yet.

Look, I don't know how, but you
gossip girls better fix this.

Fix this? Did he just ask us
to k*ll Dr. L?

Oh, man. Look at what I started.

I just need to stick to things
I'm good at,

like making carrot cake and sex.

No, no, no, you guys. We can fix this.

You can't make gossip go away.

I mean, I still believe
John Kerry was a bad soldier

in Vietnam and I started that rumor.

But you can bury gossip with
bigger gossip.

Oh, I know that trick.

Like when Grandma finds out
you're a lesbian so you say,

- "Jody's a Democrat."
- Exactly.

Oh, my God, this is one
hell of a beefsteak.

Morgan, I love this shirt on you.

Thank you, I got it at
the Big and Weird store.

[laughs] Stop it.

So, Alayna, what's Germany like?

Is it better than when my
grandparents fled from there?

Yeah, Germany's great.
They use cleanliness

and efficiency to cover up
a deep well of shame.

- Huh.
- Morgan, have you ever been

to Germany, or anywhere, in fact?

I have not. I have not been to Europe.

There's so many places
in America I wanna see.

- I wanna go to Coney Island.
- Ooh.

I wanna go to the Statue of Liberty.

I wanna go to the Verrazano Bridge.

He wants to go to Old Navy.

Um, I wanna say one thing
about this wine.

It opened beautifully, it smells great,

and it tastes... [slurps]

- good.
- Alayna, has he told you

- about his dogs?
- Dogs? No.

Oh, he has dozens of dogs that live in

his one bedroom apartment with him.

- Dozens?
- Yeah.

Ahh, I got a couple pooches at home.

That's true. You know, a lot of
people say that I rescued them.

But, I don't know, I like to
think they rescued me

- from wells and snow banks and...
- Morgan, you are so amazing.

How are you still single?
Seriously, where have you

- been hiding him, Mindy?
- Where have you been hiding me?

Can I ask a question that
I think we're all thinking?

Which is: Alayna, did you get
brain damaged in Germany?

Well, she did bump her head
last night a few times.

- [imitates head hitting wall]
- Bonk! [laughs]

That's why you're on the bottom tonight!

Oh, I've never done that before!

And you will straight up gag

when you hear what's going on with Ben.

- Ben? You wish.
- You wish.

I do wish. Why? What's going on? Not...

Yes, he's proposing to
Dr. Whee Here We Go Again.

- [sighs]
- Can you believe it?

I know, he's so hot. And is it just me,

- or is she awful?
- It's not just you, queen.

- Wait are you guys...
- Talking about how

your clown-woman of a boss
just got engaged

- to Jewish Josh Hartnett?
- Then yes.

Oh, no, no, no.

That rumor is hella late
and hella untrue.

Well, then spill that fresh tea, honey.

I heard Dr. Reed's getting deported.

Yeah, he got caught trying to
marry one of Tr*mp's daughters

for a green card.

- I think I did hear that.
- Me too.

Is it just me, or is he awful?

Cool. Keep talking about that.

You wanna hear some good gossip?

I hear Dr. Kimball-Kinney is
going out with Cindy Crawford.

Really? I heard his body
created a new strain of HPV

and he doesn't have any symptoms
but that every woman he dates

is a ticking time b*mb.

Okay, damn. Go with that.

Jeremy Hussein Reed is
actually al-Qaeda's number two.

Raised in England but born in Pakistan.

[gasps] Hey, Colette!

Did you hear the rumor about Dr. L?

- No. What?
- I heard that she's really

- grown-up Webster.
- Really?

Cool!

Oh, my God. Okay, so there
was this one time, right?

She's in her office and she's
like, "I smell bagels!"

And she just sprints into the kitchen

and crashes into a table and she farted.

[laughs] My God, you did
the exact same thing

at my th birthday party.

My God, I love hearing
these stories about Mindy,

'cause I haven't seen you in so long.

It feels like I'm getting
to know you all over again.

Well, you're gonna wanna hear
about the time that this one,

she got her tongue stuck
to a billboard of Tyrese.

- What?
- Sue Simmons called her

"Knucklehead of the Week."

I also own my own business
and I'm a single mom.

There's a lot of other things
you could say about me.

- What, what'd you say?
- Alayna, do your parents

still have that great vacation home?

Yes! We should pick
a weekend this summer

and go back to Montauk.

- Ben and Morgan would love it.
- Oh, God. In.

- Great.
- I love the beach.

You know why? Because if
you're wearing shoes,

- you're the weird one.
- [laughs]

I don't know if you want
Morgan to come along.

I mean, that place survived Sandy.

- Let's not push our luck.
- [laughs]

Hey, can I talk for a second?

No, I am saving my friend from herself.

Um, Alayna, let's go get a drink.

- Oh. Okay.
- Come with me to get a drink.

- See you later.
- Mm.

- Ah, ahh!
- Come on.

I've seen him put a dog's foot
in that mouth.

[cell phone vibrates]

Alayna, I am so happy
that you're back in New York.

But don't you wanna
play the field a little bit?

I mean, you haven't
even been in town long enough

to get hit on by Anthony Weiner.

Oh, no, he hit on me.

But I like Morgan. He's nice,

he makes me laugh, and his skin
is so hot, I never get cold.

It's because he's had
a fever for five years.

Okay, listen, um...

you know you could do
much better than him, right?

Oh, okay. I get it.

This is because you used to
have a crush on him.

He told me and it's fine.

No, no, okay, you know what?
I didn't wanna

have to tell you this,
but you're my oldest friend

and you deserve to know the truth.

Wait, what are you trying to say?

Oh, no. Oh, no, he's married.

He's married. I knew it.

Nobody gets that many
calls from Grandma.

No, who would marry him?

No, Morgan is an ex-con.

Oh, God, Morgan.
How much of that did you hear?

The part about you revealing
my most shameful secret.

Okay, I didn't know that
you were standing right here,

- behind me.
- No, no. I... uh,

I was actually... I was coming over

'cause a work emergency came up
and I have to go deal with it.

A, uh... a new mother betrayed her baby.

- [sighs]
- And it wasn't just her baby,

it was something much closer.

It was a friend from work.

And I want you to know something.

I went to prison for stealing cars.

Oh, right, the tattoo...

I didn't r*pe anyone.

I didn't m*rder anyone.
I didn't kidnap anyone.

I didn't t*rture them sexually.

I'm just a man.

I'm a simple man who's made mistakes.

[sniffs] They stink.

They smell like betrayal.

Good-bye.

Oh!

Oh.

Hey, that was... that was ugly.

I'm sorry. And it was a lot
harsher than I meant it to be.

But you're such a cool girl

and there are so many fish in the sea.

You know, wait till there's
a t*rror1st att*ck.

All the guys get really horny then.

Yeah, no, thank you. Thanks, Mindy,

for telling me he's an ex-con.

You know, it's just... I'm bummed

'cause it is so hard to meet a good man.

But you know what? Maybe I'll
just call Fritz in Berlin.

I mean, he said he was
only gay that one time.

Okay, well, um, can I call you
again to hang out?

- I'd love to see you.
- You know what?

I'll... I'll call you.

You know, if you hadn't
invited him to my party

- then none of this...
- No.

Why did you sell Morgan out like that?

I've never seen him that sad
and I've been to

five of his dogs' funerals.

Okay, I support Morgan.
I gave him a job.

I give him the tomatoes
from my sandwich.

I went to his level one improv
class graduation show, okay?

- He's fine.
- Yeah, and you told

his worst secret to a girl he likes.

Why would you wanna
ruin his relationship?

Wait, are you in love with Morgan?

Are you out of your g*dd*mn mind?

- In love with Morgan?
- Okay, okay I'm sorry,

but what is going on?

Why do you care if
Morgan dates somebody?

I guess I don't
think of him as a person.

You know, I think of him more
as, like, a singing candelabra

that tells me I'm pretty.

Damn. What do you think of me?

Well, you're Belle, obviously,
because you read books.

Mm. Obviously.

I guess it's not really fair for me

not to let Morgan have his own life

It's chilling that this is
a realization for you,

- but I'm glad that you got there.
- Thanks.

Ugh, okay, I have to go
see him and make it right.

Do you want me to come with you?

No, I'm fine. I'm packing my Derringer.

Okay.

[knocking]

Oh, hell no. You shouldn't be here.

Colette, just please let me in.

Your hallway smells like ethnic stew.

That's actually coming
from our apartment.

Karen's been crocking pot all day.

You stay away. You've ruined

Morgan's one chance at true love.

Now he's better off
just k*lling himself!

I told him And that's on you, bub.

- Thanks a lot.
- He's not even here.

- He's at the gym.
- Morgan's at the gym?

- Mm-hmm.
- [moaning]

- I hear his moans.
- That was me farting.

No, it is not. I know what
your farts sound like.

- Excuse me. Get out of my way!
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Ohh.
- Oh, Morgan.

Were you just laying here,
moaning this whole time?

No. I went to the bathroom
and Karen walked in on me

and it was humiliating.

You would've loved it.

Oh, my God.
You've never sassed me before.

Well, get used to it, bub.

Stop calling me bub!

Morgan, come.

Please?

Oh, God.

Morgan, hey.

Can you please look at me?

Won't you come and talk to me,
just the two of us?

Are you sure you'll be safe
alone in a room with an ex-con?

Whoa! You're an ex-con?

- Ahh! Karen!
- Morgan...

What I did at the restaurant was awful

and I'm very sorry.

Why'd you do it? I just...

I never thought anything could hurt more

than being stabbed in the front.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

Just... everything was going
so good for you, you know?

And this isn't cool to admit,

but I always kinda counted on

that no matter how bad
things were going for me,

they're always gonna be worse for you.

What are you talking about?
You have a perfect life, okay?

You have your own business
and a beautiful son

and soap and shampoo.

And Ben. Things are going
great with Ben.

You guys will probably get married.

I'm not getting married to Ben.

Why not?

You have a perfect relationship.

You're like a hippo
and a little Jewish bird

that eats the food
out of the hippo's teeth.

I don't know.
We've never talked about it.

Besides, who says I even
need to get married?

You don't.

Honestly, you're too cool
to get married.

Yeah, well, I guess
I should talk to him about it.

- Yeah.
- But enough of that.

I'm really glad
we had this conversation.

Because, honestly, you are so much more

than just a friend to me.

I'm flattered.

But I can't right now because of Alayna.

- What?
- But we can do

- over the clothes.
- Oh, my God! No!

- Okay.
- I was just gonna say that

you're, like, my best friend.

God.

Um, oh, my God. I can't believe this.

I have been carrying this BFF necklace

in my pocket, ever since I met you,

waiting for the day
that you would say that.

That's so sweet, Morgan. Thank you.

Oh, okay. You want me to put it on you.

- Please.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd everything go with Morgan?

Good.

As it turns out,
being nice to your friends

is almost as satisfying
as crushing your enemies.

Well, I'm really glad
I could help with that.

[sighs]

What's up?

You're so great.
I'm such a lucky person.

You're super hot. You're a good dad.

I convinced you that
Hillary isn't a Muslim.

Well...

we agree on all the important stuff.

Like how we're really happy as a couple

and we don't need to
get married or anything.

Yeah.

So you don't wanna get married?

No.

I love you and I don't want
things to change.

Good night.

Totally.

I love you too.

So I'm looking for a ring
that's classy but unique.

Oh, and we're gonna need a band
that can expand and contract

with the wearer's extreme salt intake.

Mm.

Dad, that's it. That's the ring.

Yeah?

It's so sparkly.

Mindy will love it.

We'll take it.